You left evidence.

May 28th, 2007 · 19 comments

Don’t be fooled by the smiley: this is the kind of note that really throws you off balance. (It’s been more than a month since she received this note, and Kiki from Boston says she’s still shaking in her boots a little.)

Hey You! Look — I know you ate some of my Smart Balance. You left evidence. Stealing is rude! Next time — ask. I'm ok with sharing y'know. :) Amy

related: I Can’t Believe It’s Not (My) Butter

FILED UNDER: Boston · excessive underlining · exclamation-point happy!!!! · food · office · office fridge · smiley · stealing


19 responses so far ↓

  • #1   chilly77

    I have totally received a note like this before from a roommate and her name was Erin. I love how that last sentence tries to sugarcoat the sneak attack of the first part of the note. Oh and of course there’s the ever-present overly-used smiley. Sometimes I like using those at work in an email, like:

    Dear Boss,

    I seem to have quite a bit on my plate this week; however, it really is a great opportunity for me to increase productivity. That said, I will be unable to do items 25 thru 74, just so you know, because I’m, like, you know, one person.

    Thanks!!!
    :-)

    Me

    lol. Love this blog btw!

    May 28, 2007 at 11:35 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

     
  • #2   no

    kiki needs to buy her own food. fuck off, kiki. :)

    May 28, 2007 at 2:35 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

     
  • #3   Hazard Pay

    Where can I buy tee-shirts with these images on them?

    Do you have any merchandise?

    May 28, 2007 at 5:32 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #4   Smandung

    Good blog…

    May 28, 2007 at 10:08 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #5   nikki

    i never care if roomates eat my food in moderation. everybody gets hungry, why be so anal about it? like jerri blank says – “it’s like a commune. take what ya need, leave what ya have.”

    May 29, 2007 at 1:25 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   Joey's Stinky Foot

      Sometimes certain people take everything and leave nothing. What do you do, then? Shut up, be a doormat, and let it keep happening? Maybe if everyone understood and practiced the idea of give and take, it would never happen. Unfortunately, we don’t live in that kind of world. You need to look out for #1 so nobody has the nerve to take a #2 right on your head.

      Jul 3, 2008 at 10:33 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #6   joebec

    love this blog!

    i wonder what kind of “evidence” one could leave behind… crumbs, a dirty spoon? what?

    May 29, 2007 at 11:43 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #7   metaljaybird

    What did she eat? The handwriting isn’t clear.

    May 29, 2007 at 1:27 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #8   Good Soul

    In 2001, I solved a “disappearing food” problem without these little notes. For some time (3 weeks or so), I bough some very nice food, put my name on it with a “do not touch — not for human consumption!” sign, and watched it disappear. I also found out about the fine taste of the thief – sugar was high in the rank. So on a random day, I placed a box of very nice sugar treats with the same sign, in the same place, and — as expected — it disappeared pretty soon. That was 9-10AM. By 2PM, the horse laxative I put in the food made two co-workers abandon the office in a hurry, only to spend the next 24 to 48 hours in the hospital.
    Nothing was ever said (it could lead to lawsuit). If needed, I would claim the treats where for my horses, and “not for human consumption” — notice a similarity? I immediately stopped eating the food I left behind, just in case they thought of doing the same. Somehow, food never disappeared again.
    Next time I would use ink — permanent ink — just in case the idiots choose the lawsuit option.

    May 31, 2007 at 8:57 am   rating: 14  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   Nick

      Real clever, dumbass. Of course, any lawyer with a pulse would simply point out that since the food put out with the ‘not for human consumption sign’ on it has been eaten the day before, you could reasonably have expected it would happen again, which would completely negate your obvious bullshit claim that you really didn’t mean for anybody in the office to eat them.

      Oct 4, 2008 at 2:53 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #9   Mallory

    Has anyone realized that sometimes the only way you can communicate with your room-mate is by leaving a note. All my room-mates keep very different schedules and I am not going to wait around the house just to talk to them. I will however willingly take pictures of my notes and post them, if you would like.

    Jun 2, 2007 at 5:17 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #10   poyupop

    You know I have this same problem with my room mate. If it isn’t ketchup or mayo (to me isn’t a big deal) he will actually take the food right off my plate. The other night I was eating, and he came in to gab. He then started eating the chicken right off my plate. I asked him WTF… and he said… oh don’t worry I will make you some more. So now I guard my food like I’m a prison inmate.

    Jun 2, 2007 at 9:23 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #11   how not to housetrain a roommate

    [...] smileys can be terrifying. [...]

    Jul 2, 2007 at 9:18 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #12   Captain Petrolards

    Hello P-A Notes Readers! Whilst casually reading this blog, lo — I have stumbled upon a note that I wrote with my very own hand.

    Here is the oh-so pertinent backstory:
    Many mornings I enjoy a delicious bowl of Quaker Instant Grits (the level of their deliciousness is a subject of another post) and living up North as I do, we only have plain Quaker Instant Grits in the grocery. Therefore, it is incumbent on me, the lowly grits enjoyer, to add my own chemicalified butter-like product.

    On a grits morning (sometimes called “Wednesday,” or on a rare occasion, “Tuesday”) I spoon out a heaping portion of petrolard and swirl it about the plain bowl of grits. As the petrolard melts off the spoon it imparts its neon yellow color as well as its artificial je ne ce quois.

    On the particular morning that I wrote the note, I found knife tracks in the baby vat o’ chemical goodness. Of course I immediately phoned David Caruso to have the matter thoroughly inspected and he confirmed the marks were indicative of a plastic knife swipe and not congruent with a spoon swoop. Having thus confirmed the thievery beyond the shadow of a CSI doubt, I left a note.

    I paid for the damn petrolard and as the original photographer knows, we are paid far too poorly to be giving away petrolards to the masses. One day Kiki, the next day, everyone else!!! (Note intentional crazy exclamation points inserted for extra psychotic goodness).

    Kiki, rest assured, if you ever need petrolards, I will share.

    Also, yes, the cleaning people spit in drink bottles but only because I ask them to.

    Also, I’m not sure but Cartboy could very well be underage. Tread carefully, if you can get a word in between him and his iPod.

    Jul 11, 2007 at 6:37 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #13   Freud

    Very Interesting – you repeatedly insist that you are “OK with sharing” and yet, you feel that someone who privately takes the very item that you wish to share is rude.

    I diagnose a full-blown case of “I-don’t-donate-unless-I-get-a-tax-deduction-itis”

    Jul 11, 2007 at 7:34 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #14   Captain Petrolards

    I am ok with sharing which is differentiated from stealing by way of consent. Allow me to distill the calculus for you:

    When someone asks before taking = Sharing
    When someone takes with no asking = Stealing

    If A=B and C= cheeseburger, then it would appear that I am “ok” with sharing but not stealing.

    For the record, I do donate to charity but due to crap income (see above) not in large enough amounts to even exceed the standard deduction.

    Jul 11, 2007 at 7:48 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #15   Jennie

    All of this over some frickin’ butter? Jeez! I mean, it’d be different if it was Outback bread…

    Dec 12, 2008 at 2:46 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #16   TinyTurtle bang

    This is one of the best notes I have read! It is perfection! Just a hint of sinister wrapped in super sweetness!

    Cereal theft issues can be solved by buying a box of All Bran, dumping out contents and placing bag of scrumptious cereal inside box.

    Dec 14, 2008 at 2:54 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #16.1   Eleanor

      Hahahaha….that’s genius…I might actually try that.

      Jan 29, 2009 at 1:52 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     

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