Commenter confessions: dealing with office thieves

June 1st, 2007 · 17 comments

re: “You left evidence”, Good Soul says:

In 2001, I solved a “disappearing food” problem without these little notes. For some time (3 weeks or so), I bought some very nice food, put my name on it with a “do not touch — not for human consumption!” sign, and watched it disappear. I also found out about the fine taste of the thief – sugar was high in the rank. So on a random day, I placed a box of very nice sugar treats with the same sign, in the same place, and — as expected — it disappeared pretty soon. That was 9-10AM. By 2PM, the horse laxative I put in the food made two co-workers abandon the office in a hurry, only to spend the next 24 to 48 hours in the hospital.

Nothing was ever said (it could lead to lawsuit). If needed, I would claim the treats where for my horses, and “not for human consumption” — notice a similarity? I immediately stopped eating the food I left behind, just in case they thought of doing the same. Somehow, food never disappeared again. Next time I would use ink — permanent ink — just in case the idiots choose the lawsuit option.

re: “I swear this isn’t some kind of stealth viral marketing campaign”, LQP says:

Back in the day when I worked at a public library somebody stole my Hot Pockets. I responded by writing this passive-aggressive haiku (or something similar, I can’t recall it exactly) and posting it on the fridge:

Dear Hot Pocket Thief:
I hope that it tastes like guilt,
So hot and delish

The next day there was a note from the Hot Pocket thief who was profuse in his/her apology, as well as two new replacement boxes of hot pockets. I felt really terrible despite it all, and attempt to curb any passive aggressive behavior from myself.

re:“I spit in mine”, briggs says:

Where I used to work, there was this guy who would drink from anothers guy drink when he left the room. One time he place his drink on a napkin and wrote: “I spit in this”. When he got back somebody else had written “So did I!”


FILED UNDER: food · office · office fridge · spitting · stealing · touching

17 responses so far ↓

  • #1   laurafern

    I just stumbled over here. Nice site! Although considering you are one of WordPress’ top blogs, you probably know that.

    Well, all I can say is I wish I still had a copy of one of many notes my stepmother left me in high school. It was attached to our cat’s litter box. It read something like:

    Dear Laura (me):
    Pleaz kleen my boxx. Its stinkee and me like things to bee kleen. Meow.
    Timmy the cat

    True story. Too bad I didn’t know the term passive aggressive back then…

    Jun 1, 2007 at 10:45 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #2   jalix

    isnt horse laxative a bit…dangerous?

    Jun 2, 2007 at 4:47 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #3   soxmax

    dangerous or not the thieves got the message……whatever works huh?

    Jun 2, 2007 at 5:03 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #4   zoelouise

    Howdy, large animal veterinarian here- perhaps “good soul” used a laxative, but it sure was not a horse laxative- the only laxative used in horses is mineral oil. If you put enough of that in food to cause diarrhea, the food would be inedible. Sorry.
    Horses can die from diarrhea, consequently powerful laxatives are not used in that species.
    Urban legend, anyone?

    Jun 2, 2007 at 6:21 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #5   MS

    That spitting one didn’t happen. I heard that being told as a joke years ago.

    Jun 2, 2007 at 7:06 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #6   cardinalrowe

    I luv the horse laxatives one! I know of a person that got mad because another person was putting chemicals in different bottles and to get the person back put hydrogen peroxide in this person’s greican formula hair dye. This was priceless, as I witnessed the result! White hair!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Jun 2, 2007 at 7:41 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #7   Harper

    I’m a South African. I had to look ‘hot pocket’ up on wikipedia. And WHOA! I wouldn’t give a hot pocket to my dog! You seem to be confusing a hot-pocket-thief with a guardian angel.

    Jun 3, 2007 at 7:46 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #8   Collaroy

    The spitting thing is an urban legend. Everyone’s heard of it by now, which is why I’m always baffled that people still try to pass it off as their own (or their friends’) idea. It used to be funny the first two or three times I heard it, but now it’s just lame.

    Love the one with the laxative, though!

    Jun 4, 2007 at 2:37 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #9   Rick

    The spitting on has been done many times over the years. I use to do it with my brother and beer.

    Jun 4, 2007 at 3:26 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #10   Rick

    What the heck is moderation?

    Jun 4, 2007 at 3:27 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #11   Emeny of Passive Agression

    I have been a victim of this. Among other things, cat ‘poo’ on my tooth brush and people making comments I can’t defend against because they appear to be addressed some-where else. The worst thing was when people found out the things I held sacred and started attacking them. Passive agressive behaviour is a form of bullying, in the long term it damages peoples minds.

    Jul 16, 2007 at 2:39 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   Josh

      Post #13, or author of… you can’t blame people bullying or taking advantage of someone so blatantly stupid, they cannot even spell ‘enemy’ and ‘aggressive’. It’s called evolution, putting shit on your toothbrush should be the least of your worries Pedro. And for the record, your mind is already damaged.

      Dec 31, 2007 at 10:59 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #12   InvefeHeiteli

    hm.. thank you

    Dec 5, 2007 at 9:12 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #13   LaughterRX bang

    1. There is no such thing as a horse laxative.

    2. Hot pockets are delicious

    3. Urban legend.

    Aug 12, 2008 at 10:50 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #14   JoBoo

    FYI – Liquid Parrafin is used as a horse laxative before certain treatments.

    Oct 19, 2008 at 12:39 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #15   Suzi

    I really like that the poem note has a William Carlos William Thing going on. I don’t work in an office or have a roomate but the honors program does have a lounge..I’m gonna lave something extra tasty just so to have something “Just to Say”

    Nov 22, 2008 at 12:53 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #16   Sir Dick

    To LaughterRX,

    Horse laxatives is dangerous. In Durban-ZA its called Jamal-Coti. Small bean type looks like a peanut. A quarter cruched, spread on a sandwich makes thieves run to the toilet after consuming water causes diahrea with embarresment.

    Feb 20, 2009 at 10:27 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up


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