What Would Jesus Steal?
(Thanks to Sarah at Greenville College (a Christian school in Illinois) and James in Beaumont, Texas for their submissions.)
related: Would Jesus steal jelly?
There you go, bringing Him into it again
June 4th, 2007 · 38 comments
FILED UNDER: college life · excessive underlining · food · Illinois · Jesus · stealing · you know who you are
38 responses so far ↓
#1
Anhoni
You’re right. Jesus doesn’t steal Pop Tarts (…or hot wings or pizzarolls) he makes them appear out of thin air. If you could make wine out of water (or is it the other way around?) why would you need to steal anything? I bet Jesus wouldn’t leave passive aggressive notes either.
Jun 4, 2007 at 12:34 am rating: 24
#2
mothmanbr
That last one is so creepy!
Jun 4, 2007 at 1:41 am rating: 20
#3
ObstreperousB
Wasn’t Jesus all about feeding the hungry?
Plus, I think the reason Jesus didn’t steal the aforementioned food items is much the same reason Jesus didn’t wear polyester or have an email account.
And finally, if the classroom is covered by the blood of Jesus, does that mean that it has communion wine splashed all over it? What have those kids been getting up to?
Jun 4, 2007 at 1:42 am rating: 21
#4
letters
What would Jesus steal?
Jun 4, 2007 at 4:43 am rating: 4
#5
Daniel O'Brien
Judas’ last poptart
Jun 4, 2007 at 7:24 am rating: 35
#6
oldskychaos
They actually took the time to change pens from black to red to write the word blood and underline it.
Jun 4, 2007 at 10:51 am rating: 9
#7 Ladies and Gentlemen We Are Sitting Here Listening to This Recording
[...] wouldn’t steal Pop Tarts. This site’s sister site is boatloads of healthy good-for-you fun, [...]
Jun 4, 2007 at 11:16 am rating: 0
#8
Meredith
The last note is already creepy, but the exclamation point with the heart makes it even creepier.
Jun 4, 2007 at 6:03 pm rating: 8
#9
Naughty Heather
These people are seriously hardcore about hot wings and pizza rolls and poptarts (and presumably, crayons and scrap paper?). I was pretty sure with the war and drought and famine and AIDS and all that Jesus simply does not have time to be drug into this madness!
Jun 5, 2007 at 5:13 am rating: 2
#10
luckyblog
I love notes that end “you know who you are.”
Its deliciously redundant. Except in an amnesia clinic.
Poptart was delicious too,
ta
Jesus
Jun 5, 2007 at 7:47 am rating: 13
#11
joebec
it’s not sanitary to be teaching in a bloody classroom,even if it IS J.C’s blood… time to send a note home to the parents.
also, Jesus didn’t have poptarts, but if He would have, ooooohhhh the temptation!
Jun 5, 2007 at 5:10 pm rating: 5
#12
knerd
All these note-writers will have to make an uncomfortable paradigm shift when some shepherd boy in Iran finds some parchement scrolls in a buried jar which reveal a hidden gospel which states that Jesus did eat poptarts but they were given to him freely along the dusty roads of Palestine and the hot wings could have been stolen and destroyed by him if they weren’t prepared kosher. And pizza? Scholars are still arguing about that.
Jun 5, 2007 at 7:38 pm rating: 5
#13
Dave
Man I luv the comments as much as the notes..Joebec..lol.
This classroom is covered by the blood….instant classic!!
Jun 5, 2007 at 7:39 pm rating: 1
#14
Tom
hmmmmm…..Jesus doesn’t clean his room or do laundry. Niether should I?
Jun 10, 2007 at 12:38 pm rating: 4
#15
April
Ok that’s pretty friggin awesome.
Jun 14, 2007 at 7:01 pm rating: 0
#16
Finn
That room is covered in the blood of Jesus? Eewwwwwwwwwwwww!!!! HazMat!!!!
Jul 7, 2007 at 10:45 am rating: 2
#17
Greta
I just don’t see any awareness in those notes that people might be stealing food because they’re hungry, employed or not…all ya need to do is check out the Sermon on the Mount to get the Jesus lowdown on that!
Jul 11, 2007 at 4:27 pm rating: 1
#18 encyclopedia brown and the case of the processed-food fiend | passiveaggressivenotes.com
[...] thief might be depending on the fridge’s contents as a source of food, but mercy? don’t count on it. stumble it! [...]
Sep 10, 2007 at 8:01 am rating: 0
#19
will
Jesus got nailed to a cross but i wont.
Sep 10, 2007 at 2:50 pm rating: 1
#20
Misheeâ„¢
WWJD… he would take the damn pop tarts (and pizzarolls and hot wings) because he is the Son of God, that’s why, dammit!!
As for the classroom covered in his blood… well, he probably got a pretty nasty papercut from writing all of those P/A notes!! (but I agree with above #9, it’s a bit creepy!)
Oh, P.S. Those poptarts were fucking delicious, and hot wings are life….
Sep 10, 2007 at 2:56 pm rating: 1
#21 but He took the wheel
[...] stealing hot pockets is apparently not the only thing that jesus wouldn’t do. [...]
Sep 27, 2007 at 2:23 am rating: 0
#22
Diane
Obviously Jesus DOES steal food… where do you think he “miraculously” got all the loaves and fishes, anyway?
Sep 27, 2007 at 1:16 pm rating: 2
#23
me
hey if you were poor and starving i bet jesus wouldnt care you stole the poptart
Dec 11, 2007 at 2:27 pm rating: 1
#24
sprucemoose
“Plus, I think the reason Jesus didn’t steal the aforementioned food items is much the same reason Jesus didn’t wear polyester or have an email account.”
Perhaps not, but according to some of my older parishioners, he did use the King James Bible.
In all fairness, I was told this back in the 70′s when new translations were popping up everywhere.
Mar 3, 2008 at 12:33 pm rating: 3
#25
Uncast
In response to the last note:
1. You allow children to enter a room that is covered by blood?
2. Are you sure that’s the blood of JC and not the previous daycare provider?
May 11, 2008 at 12:10 am rating: 2
#26
jesus who?
your teaching in a room full of blood?! come on guys thats how aids gets around and you know jesus has enough of that shit to take care of. as for the poptarts who in thier right mind wouldn’t steal them their fucking delicious!
Jun 15, 2008 at 12:58 pm rating: 1
#27
Canthz_B
Is “blood” a hyperlink in note three?
Jun 15, 2008 at 11:32 pm rating: 7
#28
Canthz_B
I’ll bet that Jesus would have stolen hot wings and pizza rolls if they existed 2000 years ago.
Loaves and fishes are easy in comparison!
Jun 15, 2008 at 11:39 pm rating: 1
#29
Miss Unloop
No, Jesus doesn’t steal pizza rolls and Pop Tarts – he just pops down to the local Publix and buys His own. I know – I’ve seen Him.
Jul 15, 2008 at 12:18 am rating: 1
#30
deeksdigs
I think the little heart gives the last note a real “tough love” vibe. Nice touch.
Nov 1, 2008 at 2:05 am rating: 1
#31
Michelle
*sigh* this is from my college… community kitchens never really seemed like a good idea to me.
Jul 6, 2009 at 2:53 pm rating: 0
#32
dmap
poptarts, pizza rolls, and hot wings are probably food of the devil. they’re all seriously bad for you. jesus wouldn’t eat that garbage anyway.
Sep 11, 2009 at 4:29 am rating: 0
#33
Dom
the poster is right – that stuff isn’t kosher and Jesus couldn’t eat it anyway.
Oct 11, 2009 at 6:14 pm rating: 0
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