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There you go, bringing Him into it again

June 4th, 2007 · 38 comments

What Would Jesus Steal?

Jesus doesn't steal Poptarts. NEITHER SHOULD YOU...

Jesus didn't steal hot wings & Pizza rolls Neither should you!! JJ + Destiny

This classroom is covered by the blood of Jesus. You deal with Him when you steal from children!

(Thanks to Sarah at Greenville College (a Christian school in Illinois) and  James in Beaumont, Texas for their submissions.)

related: Would Jesus steal jelly?

FILED UNDER: college life · excessive underlining · food · Illinois · Jesus · stealing · you know who you are

38 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Anhoni

    You’re right. Jesus doesn’t steal Pop Tarts (…or hot wings or pizzarolls) he makes them appear out of thin air. If you could make wine out of water (or is it the other way around?) why would you need to steal anything? I bet Jesus wouldn’t leave passive aggressive notes either.

    Jun 4, 2007 at 12:34 am   rating: 27  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   jenny

      exactly. he wouldn’t leave a note. He’d smite your freakin ass for stealing….or maybe get his dad to smite your ass. Either way, no notes would be involved.

      Mar 18, 2008 at 9:24 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

  • #2   mothmanbr

    That last one is so creepy!

    Jun 4, 2007 at 1:41 am   rating: 23  small thumbs up

  • #3   ObstreperousB

    Wasn’t Jesus all about feeding the hungry?

    Plus, I think the reason Jesus didn’t steal the aforementioned food items is much the same reason Jesus didn’t wear polyester or have an email account.

    And finally, if the classroom is covered by the blood of Jesus, does that mean that it has communion wine splashed all over it? What have those kids been getting up to?

    Jun 4, 2007 at 1:42 am   rating: 23  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   Brad

      QUOTE: “And finally, if the classroom is covered by the blood of Jesus, does that mean that it has communion wine splashed all over it?”

      Nah, it’s a belief of spiritual protection used by Pentecostal-types. Basically the Christian equivalent of a protection spell (sorry folks, but it is), but in this case they invoke the blood of Jesus, thus putting under the guise of being a prayer and not magic. But it functions in the exact same way.

      (Hope that in itself didn’t come off passive-aggressive.)

      Actual blood or wine strewn all over the place would be heaps cooler.

      Jun 30, 2009 at 4:25 am   rating: 19  small thumbs up

  • #4   letters

    What would Jesus steal?

    Jun 4, 2007 at 4:43 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #5   Daniel O'Brien

    Judas’ last poptart

    Jun 4, 2007 at 7:24 am   rating: 35  small thumbs up

  • #6   oldskychaos

    They actually took the time to change pens from black to red to write the word blood and underline it.

    Jun 4, 2007 at 10:51 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

  • #7   Ladies and Gentlemen We Are Sitting Here Listening to This Recording

    [...] wouldn’t steal Pop Tarts. This site’s sister site is boatloads of healthy good-for-you fun, [...]

    Jun 4, 2007 at 11:16 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #8   Meredith

    The last note is already creepy, but the exclamation point with the heart makes it even creepier.

    Jun 4, 2007 at 6:03 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   Melissa

      And also that it appears to be safety-pinned to a bedsheet from the 1920s…

      Sep 11, 2009 at 12:43 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

  • #9   Naughty Heather

    These people are seriously hardcore about hot wings and pizza rolls and poptarts (and presumably, crayons and scrap paper?). I was pretty sure with the war and drought and famine and AIDS and all that Jesus simply does not have time to be drug into this madness!

    Jun 5, 2007 at 5:13 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #10   luckyblog

    I love notes that end “you know who you are.”
    Its deliciously redundant. Except in an amnesia clinic.

    Poptart was delicious too,

    Jun 5, 2007 at 7:47 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

  • #11   joebec

    it’s not sanitary to be teaching in a bloody classroom,even if it IS J.C’s blood… time to send a note home to the parents.

    also, Jesus didn’t have poptarts, but if He would have, ooooohhhh the temptation!

    Jun 5, 2007 at 5:10 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

  • #12   knerd

    All these note-writers will have to make an uncomfortable paradigm shift when some shepherd boy in Iran finds some parchement scrolls in a buried jar which reveal a hidden gospel which states that Jesus did eat poptarts but they were given to him freely along the dusty roads of Palestine and the hot wings could have been stolen and destroyed by him if they weren’t prepared kosher. And pizza? Scholars are still arguing about that.

    Jun 5, 2007 at 7:38 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

  • #13   Dave

    Man I luv the comments as much as the

    This classroom is covered by the blood….instant classic!!

    Jun 5, 2007 at 7:39 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #14   Tom

    hmmmmm…..Jesus doesn’t clean his room or do laundry. Niether should I? ;)

    Jun 10, 2007 at 12:38 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #15   April

    Ok that’s pretty friggin awesome.

    Jun 14, 2007 at 7:01 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #16   Finn

    That room is covered in the blood of Jesus? Eewwwwwwwwwwwww!!!! HazMat!!!!

    Jul 7, 2007 at 10:45 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #17   Greta

    I just don’t see any awareness in those notes that people might be stealing food because they’re hungry, employed or not…all ya need to do is check out the Sermon on the Mount to get the Jesus lowdown on that!

    Jul 11, 2007 at 4:27 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #18   encyclopedia brown and the case of the processed-food fiend |

    [...] thief might be depending on the fridge’s contents as a source of food, but mercy? don’t count on it. stumble it! [...]

    Sep 10, 2007 at 8:01 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #19   will

    Jesus got nailed to a cross but i wont.

    Sep 10, 2007 at 2:50 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #20   Misheeâ„¢

    WWJD… he would take the damn pop tarts (and pizzarolls and hot wings) because he is the Son of God, that’s why, dammit!!

    As for the classroom covered in his blood… well, he probably got a pretty nasty papercut from writing all of those P/A notes!! (but I agree with above #9, it’s a bit creepy!)

    Oh, P.S. Those poptarts were fucking delicious, and hot wings are life….

    Sep 10, 2007 at 2:56 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #21   but He took the wheel

    [...] stealing hot pockets is apparently not the only thing that jesus wouldn’t do. [...]

    Sep 27, 2007 at 2:23 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #22   Diane

    Obviously Jesus DOES steal food… where do you think he “miraculously” got all the loaves and fishes, anyway?

    Sep 27, 2007 at 1:16 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #23   me

    hey if you were poor and starving i bet jesus wouldnt care you stole the poptart

    Dec 11, 2007 at 2:27 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #24   sprucemoose

    “Plus, I think the reason Jesus didn’t steal the aforementioned food items is much the same reason Jesus didn’t wear polyester or have an email account.”
    Perhaps not, but according to some of my older parishioners, he did use the King James Bible.
    In all fairness, I was told this back in the 70′s when new translations were popping up everywhere.

    Mar 3, 2008 at 12:33 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #25   Uncast

    In response to the last note:

    1. You allow children to enter a room that is covered by blood?
    2. Are you sure that’s the blood of JC and not the previous daycare provider?

    May 11, 2008 at 12:10 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #26   jesus who?

    your teaching in a room full of blood?! come on guys thats how aids gets around and you know jesus has enough of that shit to take care of. as for the poptarts who in thier right mind wouldn’t steal them their fucking delicious!

    Jun 15, 2008 at 12:58 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #26.1   Canthz_B bang

      “your” vs. “you’re”…what would Jesus choose?

      Who in their right mind writes “thier”?

      Jun 15, 2008 at 2:55 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #26.2   sprucemoose

      Are we talking about Jesus Alvarez, who lives next door to me? His English isn’t the greatest, so he might choose the wrong one.

      Jun 15, 2008 at 6:52 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #27   Canthz_B bang

    Is “blood” a hyperlink in note three?

    Jun 15, 2008 at 11:32 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

  • #28   Canthz_B bang

    I’ll bet that Jesus would have stolen hot wings and pizza rolls if they existed 2000 years ago.
    Loaves and fishes are easy in comparison!

    Jun 15, 2008 at 11:39 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #29   Miss Unloop

    No, Jesus doesn’t steal pizza rolls and Pop Tarts – he just pops down to the local Publix and buys His own. I know – I’ve seen Him.

    Jul 15, 2008 at 12:18 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #30   deeksdigs

    I think the little heart gives the last note a real “tough love” vibe. Nice touch.

    Nov 1, 2008 at 2:05 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #31   Michelle

    *sigh* this is from my college… community kitchens never really seemed like a good idea to me.

    Jul 6, 2009 at 2:53 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #32   dmap

    poptarts, pizza rolls, and hot wings are probably food of the devil. they’re all seriously bad for you. jesus wouldn’t eat that garbage anyway.

    Sep 11, 2009 at 4:29 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #33   Dom

    the poster is right – that stuff isn’t kosher and Jesus couldn’t eat it anyway.

    Oct 11, 2009 at 6:14 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up


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