My sadistic dungeon-master won’t let me call in sick

June 8th, 2007 · 27 comments

Explains Desi in New York: “I work in a dungeon —  a “we-do-S&M-here” place — and not only is our boss passive-aggressive (really, he is, in a more strict interpretation of the term) he also doesn’t speak English all that well.” Now that’s a formula for comic gold.

Although the circuitous first sentence here is pretty great, I think the thing I love most about this sign is how terribly average it is. (No clip art of whips and chains, say.) Except for the use of the word “girls,” this wouldn’t be terribly out of place at any other office. (It’s also a nice companion piece to this.)

Calling Out Sick: Unfortunately because so many girls have been calling out sick we have to enforce a new rule of not being able to call out sick. If you are sick you need to find someone to cover your shift (without taking them from another shift). The shifts are already very empty because of planned vacations. You also need to provide us with a valid doctor's note with a telephone number so we can call and confirm. Otherwise, sick or not, you are expected to show up for work on time.

related: Suck on this!

 

FILED UNDER: crazy boss · illness · New York · sex sex sex


27 responses so far ↓

  • #1   jfruh

    Yeah, ’cause when I hire a dominatrix, there’s nothing hotter than if she has some kind of phlegmy, hacking cough.

    Jun 8, 2007 at 7:38 am   rating: 80  small thumbs up

     
  • #2   eh

    what an a-hole!! and who actually goes to the doctor when they have a cold/cough/flu? a) it is no good for emergency rooms, b) family physicians are usually too busy to fit drop ins into the schedule, c) who has the energy to go to the doc anyways when they are sick, d) the company they work for probably doesn’t even supply them with decent benefits anyways. doctor’s note my ass. maybe if the jackass wasn’t a cheapass and hired an adequate # of employees to cover shifts, he wouldn’t run into this problem. have a nice day. :)

    Jun 8, 2007 at 8:37 am   rating: 67  small thumbs up

     
  • #3   RAPTOR PORN

    C’mon, please post mine. The ones I sent you are funnier than this.

    Jun 8, 2007 at 9:55 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #4   Lesley

    Even if they wanted to call and confirm that you were actually sick, the HIPAA laws would prevent the doctor’s office from even acknowledging that they’ve ever seen you for anything. Unless you signed a waiver for that.

    You could say “Could you please tell my boss I was sick? My job is torture!”

    Jun 8, 2007 at 11:48 am   rating: 42  small thumbs up

     
  • #5   Jill

    damn, you’re gonna have to whip that guy into shape!

    *yuk yuk*

    Jun 8, 2007 at 2:14 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

     
  • #6   Dr. Amie Ragan of www.psychologyofclutter.com

    This supervisor is a genius. Make somebody come in sick, get everyone sick and shut the whole place down. Must be an anarchist.

    Jun 8, 2007 at 6:56 pm   rating: 17  small thumbs up

     
  • #7   Mike

    They did this at my job also. I can’t wait to get strep throat again so I can go to work and spread the love.

    Jun 8, 2007 at 7:23 pm   rating: 19  small thumbs up

    • #7.1   Lindsay

      One hopes if you have strep throat that you would go see a doctor. That shit is serious, dawg.

      Jun 10, 2013 at 3:22 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.2   Rocket J

      Yeah, but he’s not allowed to call in sick to go to the doctor. Catch 22!

      Jun 10, 2013 at 3:58 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #8   WhatLadder

    I know I’m going to lie awake tonight thinking about what kind of “ailments” might trouble your average S&M dungeon worker.

    Jun 9, 2007 at 12:09 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

     
  • #9   ecuadoriana

    Next time you’re sick go into your bosses office & cough all over his desk, phone, chair & desk accessories. Lick the rim of his coffee cup (it couldn’t make you sicker than you already feel!). Cough on those special overlooked places like his door handle & light switch. I’d even go so far as to pick my nose & deposit the gems on his stapler- but that’s just me. You can come up with more creative embellishments.

    Later, when no one’s looking, lay down on the floor of the breakroom, copier room or bathroom- a place where you won’t be discovered immediately so as to allow you a bit more “down time”. Place yourself in a position that appears like you had fallen down from passing out. If you want to go all out, hold your breath for as long as you can to further enhance the flushed look on your face. (Also if you happen to have any undisclosed bruise on your leg, arm or hip it will further help your cause!) Disheveled hair across your face is killer!

    Keep your eyes closed & keep holding your breath (sneaking breaths so that you don’t really pass out!) until someone walks & finds you. When they are able to get you to “come to” babble nonsense about the McCleary account being trapped in the microwave (or whatever would be appropriate to your line of work- involving a customer or client name & a bizare inanimate object). Act like you are struggling to get up but haven’t the strength. (Any previous acting experience will really pay off with this one, just don’t get all “theatrical” or it’ll turn into a comedy.)

    Someone should be calling 911 or emergency services at this point while others are commanding for the rest to “back off & give her some room”. You may be offered sips of water which you should let dribble down the front of your shirt as you fall back in a heap. Soon, you will be whisked off to a medical facility where they will care for you at the expense of your employer. You will even be given written instructions for a few days rest (one of the requirements of your S&M boss!). Since you suffered a work related injury (remember that “undisclosed bruise”?!), due to your boss’ negligence, you will be paid to lay at home for a few days & maybe even receive some compensation for your “pain & suffering” (there’s a lawyer for every need).

    I did this with a boss just like yours. It only works once so make it count for something big. When my lawyer found out about the boss’ “come in to work even when sick” policy (which like in your case was a posted memo- evidence for my cause!!) it caused a sweet chain reaction involving OSHA among others.

    You will be a hero & your boss will get the spanking he so much deserves!

    Jun 9, 2007 at 8:39 am   rating: 82  small thumbs up

    • #9.1   Janine

      This is amazing! I think I love you.

      Jun 10, 2013 at 3:22 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.2   Tammi

      Diabolical. My hat’s off to you, Sir.

      Jun 10, 2013 at 5:34 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #10   desi

    no, ha we have no health plan.
    and ‘what ladder’ your ‘average S&M dungeon worker’ I would say is likely to have the same or less ailments then you would. We disinfect most of the surfaces we touch and are more aware of germs then I’m sure your co-workers are. Perhaps if you were less quick to make assumptions, you wouldn’t be having that ‘tough time emotionally’ you mention in your blog.
    Sadly the owner doesn’t come in very often so nobody can really stage an infectious death scene for him.

    Jun 9, 2007 at 2:12 pm   rating: 14  small thumbs up

     
  • #11   Dave

    Seems like a rather excessive solution!

    - Blemmy.com,
    the site for New Yorkers

    Jun 10, 2007 at 7:22 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #12   Kelly

    Haha, I worked at Einsteins Bagels for like a month and they were exactly the same way. You couldn’t call in sick unless you had a sub and could produce a doctor’s note. It was such bullshit.

    Jun 14, 2007 at 9:19 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #13   RaggDolly121

    Jeez, Why so MEAN?!?!

    Jul 3, 2007 at 10:13 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #14   m

    Where I live (and I wonder if this is nation-wide, as well…), that would be called “Illegal” and “A Valid Reason to Call the Labor Board”.

    Jul 26, 2007 at 3:07 pm   rating: 14  small thumbs up

     
  • #15   Boo

    Dude. My Bobo was just diagnosed with TB due to THIS EXACT policy in the call center cube farm he worked at. They had 57 people test positive due to 1 dude, who just thought he had a cough for a long time, and had to go to work because of this policy. Plue their bennies sucked, so even if he had gone to the doctor faster, it wouldn’t have mattered. At least it’s latent and not active, but still. This kind of policy sucks donkey ass.

    Jul 26, 2007 at 3:58 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

     
  • #16   treesits

    Last year I produced about 20 sick notes for my call centre job. I had to get a note saying due to my ‘polyuria’ I must use the bathroom on a frequent basis. I love my doctor. He purposely puts the wrong rtn to work day on there so I have extra days off…so bad and yet so nice…It helps when the company you work for says they will accomodate those with chronic illness (such as myself- cancer & tx’s) but then don’t follow through. AND THEN your best friend brings a sick note but was over his allowed sicks days so was fired, which is illegal- so sues the same company…ahhh and since than, no one has been fired regarding sick days/notes….ahh ha ha evil laughs!!

    Jul 26, 2007 at 5:03 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

     
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  • #18   Jeremy

    I just grab extra doctor notes while the doctor is making me wait.

    Sep 14, 2007 at 6:19 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #19   Taylor

    Joys of having a mom who’s a nurse!

    Jun 26, 2009 at 9:51 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
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