the third paragraph of the first e-mail is the brilliant part.
adds michelle: “that bread was fucking delicious.”
(sorry, michelle: i have to side with your roommate on this one.)
the first thing i did when i woke up
June 16th, 2007 · 108 comments
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Tags: CAPS LOCK · charlottesville · e-mail · food · fucking delicious · more aggressive than passive · not-so-veiled threats · university · virginia
108 responses so far ↓
#1 E
“The bread was fucking delicious” - I’d say Michelle is a fucking bitch, and I wouldn’t have her for my roommate.
Me, I’d spit in her food.
Jun 16, 2007 at 8:55 am rating: +4
#2 eh
team not-michelle
Jun 16, 2007 at 9:00 am rating: 0
#3 Meredith
I’d start eating Michelle’s food. I’d be so fucking pissed off if someone were eating my food. Team Not-Michelle, indeed.
Jun 16, 2007 at 9:03 am rating: +2
#4 Debbie
I’m with E. That note wasn’t passive aggressive, it was calm and rational and polite.
Seriously — Michelle’s comment at the end was almost enough to make me wish her a happy bout of salmonella food poisoning.
Grow up, thoughtless bitch.
Jun 16, 2007 at 9:05 am rating: +3
#5 ajn
Michelle sucks. And this blog posts way too much of this kind of crap, where the “victim” is completely in the wrong.
Jun 16, 2007 at 9:16 am rating: 0
#6 kiki
It is one thing to borrow normal wonder bread for some toast in the morning (and then replace it), but to eat someone’s leftovers from a restaurant meal is just rude. I don’t care if it was f-ing delicious. Team-Outback!
Jun 16, 2007 at 9:18 am rating: 0
#7 Andrew L.
Michelle, if you’re reading this, you deserved that email and more. What a bitch.
Jun 16, 2007 at 9:23 am rating: +2
#8 Katie
Add me to team “Not Michelle”. What a rude and inconsiderate thing to do. This is yet another reason why I’m glad I never had to live with a roommate.
Jun 16, 2007 at 9:30 am rating: 0
#9 Katie
Oh, Michelle, you heartless, bread-filled bitch.
Jun 16, 2007 at 9:41 am rating: +2
#10 Agargara
“The apartment is a happy place.”
Is this wishful thinking?
As has already been said above, I don’t see anything passive-aggressive about this note. Michelle really needs to not eat people’s food.
Jun 16, 2007 at 9:47 am rating: +1
#11 Potbelly
Touch my food if you’re willing to lose that hand.
I grew up in a household with a brother who always ate ALL of ANYTHING remotely good or special one placed in the fridge, no matter how short a time it was in there, or how well it was wrapped, labeled and obviously not his. He would eat pies made for school bake sales, cakes made for someone’s birthday party the next day, whatever. I still kind of hate him for it. Oh and he also stole money. He could find it anywhere.
So yeah, go team not-Michelle.
Jun 16, 2007 at 10:22 am rating: +1
#12 jeneria
I had a roommate like Michelle in college and I’m guessing she eats everyone else’s food because she a) doesn’t budget money for her own food or b) is too lazy to get her ass to the store.
My roommate would wait until one of us went out of town for a weekend or a night and then she’d eat to her heart’s content. When we’d come home and notice the food missing, her response was always “But you were gone, you weren’t gonna need it and besides, I was gonna replace it.” But she never did!
She also bought the most ridiculously expensive food when she did go shopping so her money would get her half the food the rest of us were able to buy.
What a nightmare.
Jun 16, 2007 at 10:48 am rating: 0
#13 Emily
I’m totally Team NOT michelle. The email wasn’t out of line at all…i could keep going but everyone has already said what i want to. Michelle go grocery shopping!!!
Jun 16, 2007 at 11:45 am rating: 0
#14 i'mwonderful
hahaha, i hope michelle feels like an asshole for submitting this. she totally thought people were going to laugh at her roomie’s email. hahaha. that’s funny.
Jun 16, 2007 at 11:58 am rating: 0
#15 racergirl
Why would Michelle do such a fucking bitchy thing?
Because she’s a fucking bitch, that’s why.
Jun 16, 2007 at 12:17 pm rating: 0
#16 Miss Lucky Mommy
OK, I’m not going to reiterate how awful that was of michelle because that’s just obvious.
But the 3rd paragraph is the best? I must beg to differ. I found the opening, “you’ve crossed the line by eating my bread from my Outback meal” to be stupendously powerful and just down right funny! It was just captivating. Paragraph 3 was 2nd for me.
Jun 16, 2007 at 12:59 pm rating: 0
#17 Susan Getgood
On a similar note, when I was in college, I house-shared over a summer with some friends of a friend. It was mostly fine, but one evening toward the end of the summer, I was planning a dinner party for some of my friends and had baked a cheesecake. Went to work in the morning as usual, and when I came home, found that someone had helped themselves to a piece of pristine, uncut cheesecake. Let’s just say that I am not passive aggressive, and let the person have it both barrels.
Jun 16, 2007 at 1:04 pm rating: 0
#18 romanlily
Holy cow, every time I look at this site I’m SO glad that I don’t have roommates.
Jun 16, 2007 at 1:14 pm rating: +1
#19 angiedmann
rule #1 when living with someone: never eat something that’s not yours unless you’ve asked
rule #2: never open a new package of something if you didn’t buy it
rule #3: never eat the last of anything if it’s not yours
Michelle, you’re an idiot, and a rude idiot to boot.
Jun 16, 2007 at 1:19 pm rating: 0
#20 Irish
Is she charging her for the butter, too? lol
Jun 16, 2007 at 2:09 pm rating: 0
#21 Daniel Hoffmann-Gill
Found you via ultimateinsult.net great site , you is linked, keep the repressed angst coming on strong.
Jun 16, 2007 at 2:18 pm rating: 0
#22 Jacinda
As I have had a roomate just like this, I COMPLETELY side with the Anti-Michelle taskforce, lol.
What bitch submits that, btw? As if people were going to say, “What an asshole! You ate his food that’s not easily replaced without asking and HE got upset? JERK!”.
It’s one thing to help yourself to a bowl of cereal, it’s QUITE another to eat a purchased single meal.
This kind of shit makes my blood boil! Inconsiderate people BLOW! I hope you’re reading this Michelle, YOU’RE AN ASSWIPE!
Jun 16, 2007 at 2:56 pm rating: 0
#23 Kelsey
Yup. I don’t care whether the notes meet strict criteria for being truly passive-aggressive or not; in fact, I probably like the deranged just-plain-aggressive ones best of all.
But there should be some distinction made between sensible complaints like “don’t steal my food” and the touchingly outraged ones like “that shit is disrespectful.”
Jun 16, 2007 at 3:12 pm rating: 0
#24 silverneurotic
From that first email, regardless of whether or not it was out of line…I think the author needs to stop buying $15 cheese and save that money to learn some proper writing techniques.
That was pure torture to try to read.
Jun 16, 2007 at 3:20 pm rating: 0
#25 aliastaken
Love the post-script.
Jun 16, 2007 at 4:07 pm rating: 0
#26 mothmanbr
Team Not Michelle FTW
Jun 16, 2007 at 5:54 pm rating: 0
#27 theobviouschild
ajn says that “this blog posts way too much of this… where the ‘victim’ is completely in the wrong.”
While I disagree with that, I do find it interesting that Michele saved these e-mails for half a year and then chose to share them with the world. Instead of being freaking mortified by her behavior, she seems proud of pilfering the aforementioned bread.
What are you, twelve years old, Michele? Petty theft is no more acceptable when roommates are the victims. Team Not-Michele, indeed.
Jun 16, 2007 at 5:54 pm rating: 0
#28 jenny
oh, true… i didn’t even notice the date on these emails. i wonder how many people she forwarded this to between then and now… so rude.
yay team not- michelle!
Jun 16, 2007 at 6:26 pm rating: 0
#29 Nostalgia
It doesn’t matter who’s right or wrong. It’s the delivery that’s key. For example, the phrase “smother it in butter.” This victim hasn’t just lost out on some bread, she’s lost out on a sensual experience. I haven’t noticed magnification of loss like this in any of the other notes; so, this is probably a first. Keep ‘em coming!
Jun 16, 2007 at 6:58 pm rating: +1
#30 Jacq
Some people just don’t care and will eat whatever the hell they want if it’s in front of them. Sad, but true. It sucks to have your heart set on something to enjoy later on, only to have some hog eat it up. (My sister used to do that to me all the time growing up. ;P)
But it happens. Remember that and don’t expect this heathen to care. No need to get even with her. It’ll come back to her soon enough.
Jun 16, 2007 at 7:53 pm rating: 0
#31 S.S.
Michelle, you are a jerk. A plain inconsiderate, rude theft.
Roomate Rule #1: If it’s not yours, don’t use it, eat it, or put it on without permission.
Jun 16, 2007 at 8:34 pm rating: 0
#32 Heather
A pox on Michelle for eating something that wasn’t hers and for gleefully sending in her naughtiness, but kudos for posting it.
I hope after ingesting her roomie’s bread that the massive amount of gluten and carbs in said bread passed through Michelle’s digestive system resulting in excessive flatulence and diarrhea.
Jun 16, 2007 at 11:21 pm rating: 0
#33 jim
I seriously doubt it was Michelle who submitted the post.
I would kick Michelle to the curb on the first offense.
Attn: all roommate wannabes out there - think twice before getting a roommate. Cough up the extra money to have your own place. It can be done. Not worth the headaches.
Jun 17, 2007 at 6:07 am rating: 0
#34 southern girl
The bread at Outback is great!
TEAM BREAD!
Jun 17, 2007 at 6:55 am rating: 0
#35 Andrew
Return the food you eat? Yuck.
I don’t think the note is passive-aggressive though, merely justifiably annoyed.
Jun 17, 2007 at 9:04 am rating: 0
#36 Hopefulgirl
oh this is wonderful. so funny, thank GOD I no longer have roommates.
Jun 17, 2007 at 9:53 am rating: 0
#37 transplant southern girl
This website is amazing and whoever said that they’re posting way too much of “this kind of crap” can kiss my ass. I love all of this passive aggressive tomfoolery, no matter how obscenely ridiculous or whiny. If only I had saved the note that finally got my first college roomie to stop watching Roseanne at 5 am so I could sleep!
Team bread, indeed.
Jun 17, 2007 at 9:56 am rating: 0
#38 aspheric
I hope michelle dies in a horrible accident within the next two weeks
Jun 17, 2007 at 1:31 pm rating: 0
#39 Jim
Isn’t it interesting that every now and again a note appears on this site that just makes people pissed, and I mean really pissed.. Have we all had a Michelle of one kind or another in our lives at some point? and we’re using this one to vent a little? I for one hope she chokes on the next loaf of Outback bread that she steals… it sounds like she’s had it coming for a while… bitch.
Jun 17, 2007 at 7:28 pm rating: 0
#40 Corey
First off, I would also like to pledge my support to team Not-Michelle. Fuck that fucking bitch!
But I also can’t resist telling everyone about my horribly bitchy roommate. One day I had nothing left to eat and decided I would take a package of poptarts from my roommate. One silver package that comes 4 or 5 to a box, mind you. The next day when I did my grocery shopping, I bought another whole box of the same kid of poptart and gave it to her. She was LIVID that I had eaten one of her poptarts and promptly complained to one of our mutual friends (who then told me). The friend’s response to her (echoing my sentiments)? “Dude, get the fuck over it! He bought you a whole box of poptarts! You GAINED 3-4 packs! STFU!” Needless to say, I’m moving out, Since that incident I started buying boxes of poptarts and replacing the individual pack before she noticed it was missing and since she’s turned out to be the type of roommate who does NOT replace food that she eats, I’ve now (shamefully) stopped replacing anything of hers either. Have I mentioned I am moving…to save myself from her AND to save myself from turning into the kind of roommate I have hated having.
TEAM POPTART!
Jun 18, 2007 at 5:22 am rating: 0
#41 Sue
Anybody who’s been through the ordeal of having roommates has run into a “Michelle” as some point. I think that’s why this particular post is getting so much response. Back in college I not only had THREE roommates at the same time who did this, but they brought along their boyfriends who raided the fridge regularly. I was eventually forced to put up my own sign telling them that I was not a catering service and they could buy their own fucking food.
Another horror story: I worked at a theater a few years ago, and they had a community fridge in the break room. Everybody brought packed lunchs because there were no cheap restaurants nearby. Some asshole would regularly go through ALL the lunchs and pick and choose items–an apple out of this bag, a pudding out of this one, and so on. We never caught the person while I was there…
Jun 18, 2007 at 7:59 am rating: 0
#42 ladylivewire
I hate it when people go out to dinner and then order more free bread to go. The bread is for eating with your meal while you’re there. If you want toast for breakfast, go buy a loaf!
Jun 18, 2007 at 8:03 am rating: 0
#43 Tarn
Michelle reminds me of my worst ever flatmate, a hygenically-challenged Yorkshireman (Ok, not relevant, but who needs a smelly roomie?)
This guy regularly ‘finished off’ whole loaves of the nice bread I bought from the specialist baker for myself - and replaced it, but with nasty, supermarket’s own brand cotton-wool white sliced! Which he of course, never touched, because he was eating MY, much nicer, bread. And nobody else wanted it, so it would go green while he carried on eating mine and feeling virtuous because he’d ‘replaced’ it! What a tool.
He also used to open and finish my newly-bought milk. When I came down for breakfast, there was no sign of the milk I’d brought home the night before, and I had to do without.
In fact, HE’S the reason I started using (still use it) skimmed milk. Because he wouldn’t touch that nancy-boy stuff!
Some roomies just need to die painfully, don’t they?
Jun 18, 2007 at 8:38 am rating: 0
#44 Babychaos
Hello everyone, in light of the fact that there is a twat like Michelle in every boarding school dormitory, every university or college hall and every shared house or flat, let me share the ultimate revenge with you. This one, works every time.
I went to a boarding school and one of my friends was a great chef. Unfortunately, the Michelle’s got to know. He would make some fabulous meal in cookery class, leave it in his own study and when he came back from lessons, hey presto! It had always disappeared.
Eventually, he made a very luscious cake, laced it with several doses of a well known purgative called “ExLax” and left it on the windowsill in his study. Later that evening it had all gone.
What we learned from this experiment was that ExLax makes you go and go. The perpetrators had to stay on the lavatory for various lengths of time ranging from the next 12 to the next 24 hours. Nobody stole his food again.
Since then, I have used this technique to deal with people like Michelle. After the first time, unless they have bowels of concrete, they are unlikely to re-offend and it’s worth blowing your food budget for the week on the cake ingredients and the ExLax.
Sweet justice.
If I was Michelle’s flat mate and I’d seen this post, her sneering boast “that bread was fucking delicious” would have had me out on the streets collecting dog pooh to put in her bed.
Cheers
BC
Jun 18, 2007 at 8:40 am rating: +1
#45 DontTakeMyBeer
ExLax is a good tactic, but how do you prevent people from taking your alcohol? I’m down to two roommates now — from three previously — and there’s a communal ethic with food, which is usually fine except that my one roommate extends to certain douchebag freeloaders (who crash with impunity on our couch, eat and drink without replacement or payback) the right to drink my beer. “We all share here,” he says. This is good beer, btw. Maybe going back to buying Schlitz will scare them off?
Jun 18, 2007 at 11:38 am rating: 0
#46 Potbelly
DontTakeMyBeer…may I suggest piss? Just a little. Then at least you have the private satisfaction of knowing the offender is drinking your piss.
Jun 18, 2007 at 12:14 pm rating: 0
#47 Psipsina
You could add habanero sauce to the beer. However, the real problem with beer is, how do you open it in a way that it can be reclosed?
Jun 18, 2007 at 12:46 pm rating: 0
#48 joebec
that girl needs her ass kicked. screw emailing i’d have called her ass out on the carpet and made her look like an idiot in front of all the roomates. freakin mooch.
Jun 18, 2007 at 12:50 pm rating: 0
#49 passive-aggressive challenge #2: don't take my beer
[…] the vilification of outback-bread-eating michelle shows, the passive-aggressive notes community has no mercy for the unrepentant food […]
Jun 18, 2007 at 1:06 pm rating: 0
#50 Olivia
Comment number 9 for the win.
Jun 18, 2007 at 4:00 pm rating: +1
#51 Gwen
Michelle should be chased down by a mob of torch and pitchfork carrying villagers. Bitch.
My ex-roommate used a different tactic for her food stealing. She’d ask if I’d mind if she took a piece of my bread or a glass of my milk or whatever. I’d say yeah, sure, go for it. Then she seemed to think that I meant you can take some any time. I gave her permission once so she never had to ask again.
Then I borrowed a box of her craft dinner (which I had every intention of replacing later that day when I went to the store) and she flipped. She got home before I left to go shopping and freaked because it was what she was going to eat for dinner before going to work. So I offered to let her take anything of mine she liked and I’d still replace the box.
She huffily took a can of soup (the expensive one too… way better than shitty mac and cheese), I replaced the can and she still wouldn’t let it go. Months later her mom would still send food over and tell her not to leave it out where “Gwen would steal it”. She took great pleasure in poointing that out to me. (yeah, she told her mom.)
Jun 18, 2007 at 4:57 pm rating: 0
#52 Chica
It’s really interesting how self-righteous so many people are when telling their own stories…i particularly like #51’s subjective judgment that her replacement of her roommate’s planned meal was “way better than shitty mac and cheese.” The “which I had every intention of replacing” parenthetical is also notable. I also love #40’s reasoning that the addition of ‘interest,’ in the form of 4 extra packs of Pop-Tarts, repaid at a later time, makes the initial theft OK.
Nice work, guys. Keep up that good justification.
So perhaps the issue isn’t, as #39 suggested, that “we all had a Michelle of one kind or another in our lives at some point…and we’re using this one to vent a little” and something closer to “we’ve all been a Michelle of one kind or another in our lives at some point”…and we still feel at least a little bit guilty about it.
Jun 18, 2007 at 9:48 pm rating: +1
#53 Hoor.
You’re all a bunch of pussies.
Jun 18, 2007 at 10:50 pm rating: 0
#54 Condom Man
While I understand the original writer’s annoyance at looking forward to a certain meal at the beginning of the day, only to have someone else steal it from you, I also have to note her control-freakish behavior and attitude. Telling her roomies to send an email to her blackberry before borrowing food? Just a liiiiil bit anal retentive.
Perhaps Michelle is the truly passive-agressive one, relishing stealing food from her nemesis instead of having the guts to confront her face-to-face.
Jun 19, 2007 at 12:13 am rating: 0
#55 Juno Henry
Condom Man — I disagree with you.
Her point was that permission should be asked, and food taken be replaced — with products of a similar quality.
More to the point, Michelle — the fuckhead perp in question — gleefully displayed her fuckheadity and lack of regard for anyone else on the planet by her aside at the end of her submission. Given this non-coerced display of antisocial and just plain rude behaviour, I can only imagine what other obnoxious activities Michelle indulged in.
From where i’m sitting, the original writer’s behaviour was probably a straw-that-broke-the-camel’s-back reaction. Control-freakish and anally retentive? I don’t think so.
PS Hoor? Eat me.
Jun 19, 2007 at 1:36 am rating: 0
#56 avv
uptight fucking poor people - the dripping, totally fake ‘reasonableness’ of that email is unbearable - it’s a vile, calculated display of matyrdom. i find the sort of people who drag around a mental filing cabinet of all the petty injustices they’ve endured a far more depressing strand of human behaviour than someone stealing a bit of bread.
i’m glad you stole that bread, michelle, and i’m glad it was fucking delicious.
Jun 19, 2007 at 3:43 am rating: --1
#57 Tarn
avv - I’m interested to know whether, if Michelle’s roomie had simply confronted her rather than emailing, that would make her anger acceptable to you?
Michelle’s behaviour was unacceptable by any standards. Anger is a reasonable response. So you don’t like the way the wronged person expressed it - that doesn’t make Michelle a hero.
Jun 19, 2007 at 8:16 am rating: 0
#58 Sue
Hey Chica, I wanted to point out that you are totally wrong in this regard. I personally have always respected the property of others–particularly roomates–and have never used someone else’s food without first asking (each time!). Instead, I’ve had the misfortune of running into several bad roommates over the years (including one that bounced her rent check TWICE resulting in marks on MY record and official eviction threats). Some of us ARE victims and not just transferring our frustration or justifying our own actions. I wonder if YOU have an agenda of your own.
Jun 19, 2007 at 11:35 am rating: 0
#59 Potbelly
avv is just a Michelle themselves. While I agree that petty and martyr-like behavior sucks, what is this “file cabinet”? All I saw mentioned was the bread.
The great thing is, Michelles really do pay. Doors close silently in all kinds of ways without the person even knowing, when they treat others that way. In some cultures they cut off your hands for stealing. People don’t like that shit.
Jun 19, 2007 at 11:42 am rating: +1
#60 Melissa
I’m going to have to say that you people have taken one line of text, “that bread was f*cking delicious” and made ALL sorts of assumptions about it when it could very well have been taken out of context.
Michelle ENTIRE comment could have been something like: “I shouldn’t have eaten it, but that bread was f*cking delicious.”
Comments indicating that Michelle is a “fuckhead perp” or and asswipe are way out of line, especially when you realize that your comments may be based on a false assumption!
There is absolutely NO CALL for such rudeness, even if she DIDN’T regret her actions (which I’m betting she DID to some degree, unless she’s a sociopath).
Jun 19, 2007 at 4:49 pm rating: 0
#61 lulu
Michelle? Is that you?
Jun 19, 2007 at 5:25 pm rating: +1
#62 sPaRklE-BuRNoUt
Oh Michelle, you silly twat.
You arrogant thief,
I hope you rot
Jun 19, 2007 at 5:36 pm rating: +1
#63 sPaRklE-BuRNoUt
Oh Michelle,
You silly twat.
You arrogant thief,
I hope you rot
Jun 19, 2007 at 5:36 pm rating: +1
#64 Katfo
It wasn’t inappropriate to put that email up - Michelle is clearly being passive-aggressive in doing so!
Jun 19, 2007 at 5:50 pm rating: 0
#65 BAR
Oh Michelle
you thieving twat
You’ve no remorse,
I hope you rot.
Jun 19, 2007 at 5:55 pm rating: