as the vilification of outback-bread-eating michelle shows, the passive-aggressive notes community has no mercy for the unrepentant food thief.
in fact, screw repentance — we’re out for revenge.
beyond simple note-leaving, one of most popular tactics for dealing with thieves seems to be the “if i can’t have it, nobody can” approach: booby-trapping a food item with laxatives, bodily fluids, or another type of foul-tasting/toxic substance.
asks one victim:
ExLax is a good tactic, but how do you prevent people from taking your alcohol? I’m down to two roommates now — from three previously — and there’s a communal ethic with food, which is usually fine except that my one roommate extends to certain douchebag freeloaders (who crash with impunity on our couch, eat and drink without replacement or payback) the right to drink my beer. “We all share here,” he says. This is good beer, btw. Maybe going back to buying Schlitz will scare them off?
don’t make our beleaguered poster go back to drinking shitty beer out of spite. any other suggestions, folks?
EMAIL THIS POST TO A PAL!
72 responses so far ↓
#1 The Queen of Passive Aggressiveness
I’ve never had a problem with food and roommates, but I dealt with roommates’ non-replacement of household goods (toilet paper, paper towels, etc.) by just keeping a private stash in my (always locked) room and taking it out as needed.
Along the same lines, I’d recommend a minifridge.
Jun 18, 2007 at 1:09 pm rating: 0
#2 the cox
well, wouldn’t the most passive-aggressive response be to no longer restock the beer, and the once your certain roommate brings back a sixer, invoice YOUR OWN freeloader douchebag friend over to consume the beverage and stay on the couch?
Jun 18, 2007 at 1:21 pm rating: 0
#3 missrisky
A possible happy medium between contamination and Schlitz: if there’s a specialty store near you, find some foreign non-alcoholic beer (foreign because they’ve probably never heard of it, so it’s less obvious than O’Doul’s). It’ll look pricey and delicious, but the moochers won’t get the buzz they’re craving. You can be cheerfully passive-aggressive when you comment on how there’s no alcohol in those beers they took without asking.
Jun 18, 2007 at 1:29 pm rating: +3
#4 Angela
Buy a mini Fridge and kjeep it in your room just for the beer. Then give someone one when they ask for it….
Jun 18, 2007 at 1:37 pm rating: 0
#5 will
A former roommate of mine used to drink my booze and then replace it. However he’s replace it with the cheapest booze he could find. Thanks for drinking my Bushmills and replacing it with Early Times, now move out.
Jun 18, 2007 at 1:39 pm rating: +1
#6 anonymouscoworker
Just add a note that says, “One of these bottles has been in my ass.”
Jun 18, 2007 at 1:43 pm rating: +1
#7 Jo
Anonymouscoworker - that only invites the response, “Two of these bottles have now been in an ass.”
Jun 18, 2007 at 1:54 pm rating: +1
#8 Lisa
I like missrisky’s idea very much! while a mini-fridge is a more practical solution, it hardly smacks of passive-aggressive justice. I like to hide things my roommates will consume in the vegetable drawers, they eat too many processed foods to even look there!
Jun 18, 2007 at 1:58 pm rating: 0
#9 MateodelFuego
Depending on how much you’re willing to invest in ruining the free beer fest for these chaps, you could invest in a bag of bottle caps and a capper to crimp them onto the bottles. These supplies are pretty widely available for homebrewing purposes. What surprise they’ll find in their ill-gotten beer is limited only by your imagination.
Jun 18, 2007 at 2:06 pm rating: 0
#10 feh
Always drink all your beer.
Then when you’ve drunk all your beer, you can kick their asses without feeling any pain.
Don’t forget! Drink all their beer too!
Mmmmm…Beer!
Jun 18, 2007 at 2:16 pm rating: +2
#11 Former Bartender
As a last resort: Dude can hide his beer outside the fridge (under his bed or something?). When he gets home and it’s time to drink, he can swirl the beer around in a bowl of ice water to cool it down, then use a frosty pint glass to pour it in. Just a way to x out the thieving roommates’ opportunity altogether.
Jun 18, 2007 at 2:18 pm rating: 0
#12 Candice
The roommate who replaces items with the cheapest possible brand is well known to me (our bathroom is currently stocked with 1-ply). I usually just deal with it, because I have more annoying things to get passive-aggressive with them about.
Anywho… back on topic. I’d suggest giving everyone in the place their own (labelled!) shelf in the cupboard / section in the fridge (or instructions to mark things in the fridge that aren’t to be touched). That way everyone can still share most of the food, but they’re able to set aside their special or expensive things.
If that doesn’t work… just do what’s already been suggested and keep it in your room in a mini-fridge or cool it down only just before you plan to drink it, or don’t buy it so far in advance.
Jun 18, 2007 at 2:56 pm rating: 0
#13 DUH
Stop buying six packs. Drink at a bar instead.
Jun 18, 2007 at 3:14 pm rating: 0
#14 K.R
Well if its the same guys coming over and over again there are 2 options:
-buy the worst beer available ( there are ones out there that have really chemically tastes) and consistently stock that so they won’t grab any beer as they will think that you only buy cheap crap. But they really could care less and drink it anyway, which doesn’t solve the problem , but it does save some money:P.
2. keep stocking up the fridge with frilly coolers, this is along the same lines as the 1st solution. They’ll think you only stock crap and not grab any. and then your beer is saved……..
Otherwise , I would say buy a padlock for your fridge
Jun 18, 2007 at 3:44 pm rating: 0
#15 Kat
People who actually spike food/drinks with Ex-lax or something need to be careful. If it makes the person sick enough, they could get sued. They should go with something “safe” like the salt on the ice cream from that book.
Jun 18, 2007 at 4:56 pm rating: 0
#16 Claire
You should buy the extremely cheap, nasty beer and place that in the fridge and test to see if the freeloaders take it or not…if they don’t then take the box and fill it with your favorite beers so it looks like you’re continuously buying the horrible stuff but your beautiful brew is chilling inside waiting for you!
Jun 18, 2007 at 5:18 pm rating: 0
#17 George
It’s simple, beer is a no-go without permission. No exception, no bargins, no other rules. Seriously, this should be common knowledge. Beer is ALWAYS ask-first, no matter what the ground rules are. Those who don’t respect this universal rule should be belt-whipped without mercy.
If beer is like holy water, then everything else is tap. Have as much of the tap as you like, but you’d better have god on your side if you’re gonna touch someone else’s beer.
Jun 18, 2007 at 5:33 pm rating: +1
#18 Grace The Heartbreaker
I would keep a running tab and invoice the person for all beers consumed, market value. If they only drank one beer from a six-pack, I would charge for the whole six-pack, since that’s the only way to replace it.
Put a note up on the fridge that says “By drinking any beer contained in this fridge, you are agreeing to the Terms & Conditions” and then in fine print, make your terms out. Market value for all beer consumed. Owner of beer will invoice within five days of consumption, consumer must pay within five days of recieving invoice. Failure to render payment within five days will result in 10% on goods consumed. ” blah blah blah…
Jun 18, 2007 at 5:45 pm rating: +4
#19 brian
Passive-aggressive approach?
Buy a sixer of any beer you want. Preferably one that your mooching roommates realy want.
Hide that six pack near a radiator or somewhere else where it is hidden and hot.
After a week, or month, or a couple of months, place that six pack in the fridge.
Don’t drink the skunky beer.
Jun 18, 2007 at 5:53 pm rating: +3
#20 quasaardvark
stop sharing groceries and make your roommate buy his own of everything. not that passive aggressive but it’s way easy. i lived in a place where we all went communal and we had this one roommate who was a total freeloading douche and ate everything and never replaced it.
don’t count on people being mature they never are.
Jun 18, 2007 at 6:09 pm rating: +1
#21 Irish
My solution? Buy a fresh 6pack or whatever size. Take it to a private place where no one can see.
Now, simply take a tube of superglue and stick those suckers together by slathering on that clear liquid glue.
You got two options, once that’s dry.
1) Do that with the cans in front (if in a box) and hide your non-stuck beers behind those
2) Leave the stuck cans in there and enjoy refreshing bursts of outrage while people report their attempts to drink them.
Go hog wild! No one deserves to be beerless
Jun 18, 2007 at 6:29 pm rating: +1
#22 Tobey
If you don’t mind being obvious… go with a lunchbox and a padlock. It’ll look silly, but you’ll still have your good beer.
Jun 18, 2007 at 6:48 pm rating: +1
#23 jeneria
The mini-fridge idea is a solid and one I had to use years ago. The suggestion to get the beer good and skunky is also fantastic. I can’t argue against the NA approach. Buckler is a brand made by Harp and Kaliber is made by Guiness. Both look legit.
Another option would be to drink the beer, fill the bottles with water, and recap them. I did that once to a roommates mooching boyfriend and it kept him out of my beer. It doesn’t leave you open to law suits nor does it inolve an escalation in inserted body parts/body fluids.
Jun 18, 2007 at 7:34 pm rating: 0
#24 silverneurotic
Invest in a cooler and keep the beer and cooler hidden in your room…in a closet or under the bed. Then buy mediocre beer for everyone.
Jun 18, 2007 at 7:53 pm rating: 0
#25 jen
The minifridge is solid and will pay for itself after a few cases of un-stolen beer. However, if it’s not locked, the guys will make fun of you while you’re gone and just drink it anyway.
I like the direct approach — “Hey, you cheap bastards, quit drinking my beer. Go buy your own.”
Jun 18, 2007 at 8:33 pm rating: 0
#26 Peykan
Threaten to:
1) Put a passive aggressive note with a picture of them on it in the fridge
2) Post it to this site.
Give them the URL, and a day or two to look it up as well. I am sure they will get the hint.
Jun 18, 2007 at 9:19 pm rating: 0
#27 dd
use the bitter anti-nail-biting stuff around the rim. just pour yours into a glass.
Jun 18, 2007 at 9:41 pm rating: 0
#28 Lexi
27 dd // Jun 18, 2007 at 9:41 pm
use the bitter anti-nail-biting stuff around the rim. just pour yours into a glass.
wow, I think that is pretty clever! Honestly though the best solution is a cheap mini cooler.
I had a roomate once that refused to buy his own shampoo, soap etc. The rest of us ended up having to keep our stuff in our room and take it back and forth to the shower. Our toothbrush wasn’t even safe! Who the hell randomly uses other people’s toothbrush??????? I should have cleaned the toilet with my toothbrush and left it in the bathroom! God, why didn’t I think of that then?
Jun 18, 2007 at 10:02 pm rating: 0
#29 theotherbear
I was going to suggest a bar fridge. I guess that’s what you call a mini fridge. HOWEVER - I like the suggestion of a lunchbox with a padlock on it, and love the idea of getting some beer all skunky and horrible tasting!
Jun 18, 2007 at 10:45 pm rating: 0
#30 BoggyWoggy
When I was in high school, my younger brother once came into my bedroom to play the piano while I was not home. I had a glass of water by my bedside, which he proceeded to spit a hunk of “chew” into while messing around. In the middle of the night, I awoke, thirsty, as I always do, and drank from the glass. The thick ooze went down my throat. The next night, in classic passive-aggressive action, I went into his bedroom while he was sleeping. Each room in our house had a separate thermostat, as the house had “ceiling heat coils.” I reached into his room and turned the heat all the way up. It takes approximately a full hour for the heat to kick in. I remember waking up at about 2 a.m. to hear him screaming. He thought he was dying. My mom and dad rushed to the room and couldn’t figure out what was going wrong. The next morning, when I looked at the thermostat, I couldn’t believe what I saw! The highest temperature it would go to?…95 degrees! Man! He must have been hot!
Jun 18, 2007 at 11:18 pm rating: 0
#31 team cassandra
You could:
Leave a post-it note on each item you buy (each beer or food item) with the cost of the item displayed. As its consumed, you can post the notes to the fridge door and tally them up, periodically, so your roommate (and you too!) can get a good idea of how much his friends are costing you.
You COULD also leave a jar, marked clearly, for payment - you might be surprised - a lot of times people WOULD pay for stuff but don’t because they’re drunk at the time, forget later, are too embarrassed to approach the subject, or they figure if you don’t mention it, it must be ok.
Jun 19, 2007 at 8:18 am rating: +1
#32 Jeff
I had this problem years ago. The simple fix is to make a wooden box (with vent holes) large enough for a twelve pack. Put a lock on it and stick it in the refridgerator. This is much cheaper than buying a mini fridge.
Jun 19, 2007 at 8:47 am rating: +1
#33 Kate
I know that people brew their own beer, and so you can buy something that will re-cap your beers, if you happen to buy bottles instead of cans. This way, you could just put something in the beer that will either taste horrible or make them sick and then reseal the thing. My suggestion is Magnesium citrate, as it tastes lemon-limey and might pass in the right kind of beer. But boy, will it make them go.
If both of these things are really expensive, I might go with the box or mini-fridge idea. Unless you want to inflict some misery, of course.
Jun 19, 2007 at 9:22 am rating: 0
#34 maran
one word: ipecac.
Jun 19, 2007 at 10:19 am rating: 0
#35 Stevie Kicks
First off…the suggestions about “buying good beer and hiding it and keep the fridge stocked with bad beer” is defeating the WHOLE purpose of this. These people are taking things they do not have the permission to take and it’s costing this guy money.
Your roommate has no respect for you, and that’s why he lets his friends take your stuff even after you’ve told him not to let them. Your roommates friends probably think it’s okay for them to take it, b/c your roommate has always let them and never said anything about it. So I wouldn’t go about “punishing” them, I’d save that for the roommate.
The line, “We all share here” would have made me see red.
Maybe your roommate could use a little dose of “we all share here” payback. Think of something that your roommate really enjoys and is almost insanely compulsive about how it’s HIS item. And then use it.
When he remarks that this belongs to him, just kindly retort, “But I thought we all shared here?”…this should open up the conversation about distinguishing “property” of roommates.
You could also have YOUR friends do your dirty work too.
If you want to be mature and adult about the whole situation, by-pass your friend and tell the freeloaders yourself, “Hey guys, I’m just as broke as you guys so do me favor…stay out of my beer.” Don’t say any kind of alternative to staying out of your beer like “Stay out of my beer or you need to reimburse me” b/c that’ll leave these guys with a scapegoat such as “Hey man, I took a beer…but I’ll pay you back next time!” and next time becomes next time and so on. So just be flat out with “Stay out of my beer, it’s not yours, it’s not (roommates name here), it’s mine.”
If telling them yourself doesn’t work, then payback on these f*cks is fair game.
Disrespecting you in your own home is no es bueno.
I can’t really help you with that b/c I’m a girl and all I have to do to my roommates douche bag friends after they disrespect me is to go “psycho-crazy-yelling-bitch” on them and they leave…I don’t think it works the same way for guys.
I have a freeloading roommate (and I mean FREELOADING…this f*cker doesn’t even pay rent…long story don’t ask) so I’ve had to deal with this sort of crap more times than I can count (plus my roommate likes to bring home “strays” and psycho codependent females who come to the apartment at all hours screaming ‘why doesn’t he love them’ and then threatening me b/c they think since I’m a chick…I had something to do with it.
Just DON’T buy crap beer for them and good beer for yourself and then hide it. Doing that gives your roommate and his friends the impression that you’re the “beer supplier” and will NEVER stop taking it.
Freeloaders are LAZY and really don’t give a crap about good beer vs bad (they can’t afford their own and beggars aren’t choosers) so that ideas a bust.
Jun 19, 2007 at 10:34 am rating: +5
#36 kittikin
Get some Antabuse from a physician. Secretly dose your roommate & friends non-alcoholic beverages. Provide plenty of receptacles for the ensuing vomit once they’ve drunk your beer. Advise them of your actions. Watch them steer clear of your stuff from now on. (Be sure to avoid eating or drinking anything they offer you in the future.)
Jun 19, 2007 at 10:49 am rating: 0
#37 Mr. Humpjeans
I believe your only option at this point is to kill them and carefully dispose of their bodies.
Jun 19, 2007 at 12:47 pm rating: +2
#38 Marissa
Okay, the Ipecac is a HORRIBLE suggestion. That stuff can kill someone. Bad idea.
I suggest what others have already suggested. Be straightforward. Tell them that under no circumstances are they to drink your beer. If they keep doing it, pull a wonderfully vicious prank and then just resort to what someone suggested: padlock a wooden crate in your fridge. Extreme, but if you love your beer, it’s the only way.
Jun 19, 2007 at 2:42 pm rating: +1
#39 Jane
Ipecac? What about Antabuse?
Don’t use Antabuse. Especially ill-gotten Antabuse. And especially if you’re going to tell them the background of the whole evil plan.
There are better recreational drugs.
Jun 19, 2007 at 7:40 pm rating: 0
#40 DontTakeMyBeer
Wow, I am overwhelmed, thank you! Also, Stevie Kicks, I too am a girl (my roommates are guys) but unfortunately the psycho-crazy-chick approach usually isn’t as effective on these Brooklyn hipsters, but I might give it a try. Or the direct, mature approach. Or gluing beer cans together. Whatever works.
Coming back to this post with so many responses just totally made my day.
Jun 20, 2007 at 2:50 pm rating: 0
#41 Irish
Yay!! I got an honorable, sorta!
Jun 20, 2007 at 4:42 pm rating: 0
#42 Jamison
Everyone I’ve lived with has been in a similar group of friends where possession of beer was more or less of a priveledge to not be taken lightly.
Nonetheless there were times when people had to do what they had to do. You should try offering them some Crystal Palace inside a bottle of Gray Goose. Honestly though, the passive aggressive approach doesn’t work with people who have been drinking. Tell those assholes how much beer they owe you next time they nab your brews.
Jun 20, 2007 at 10:35 pm rating: 0
#43 FlightAttendantFreddie
(expansion on earlier concepts)
First, hide your good beer. When you want to drink one, swirl it in a pot of ice water. It seriously takes only about a minute to cool a beer, and if you need one faster than that, maybe your roommates aren’t your beer problem.
Passive/Aggressive Expansion-
Put a nice sign in the fridge where your beer used to be, saying: “Beer is now FOR SALE! - see ”
When the freeloaders ask you, sarcastically or otherwise, for a beer, you put on your Flight Attendant hat, and reply, “Very Good! We are serving Meisterbrau, Braumeister, and Natural Light, for $4.50 each. How many would you like?”
rules:
(1) Never give out a beer before getting the money
(2) Never sell your good beer. “I’m sorry sir, but we don’t carry that brand anymore”
I’m guessing a six-pack of each would last you half a year (and set you back maybe ten bucks?)
Jun 21, 2007 at 8:28 am rating: +2
#44 Leela
Clearly you have to pee in the beer, like in the classic film Little Monsters, starring the incomparable Fred Savage & Howie Mandel.
That’ll teach the beer-drinking bastards.
You could also just leave a post-it that says there’s pee in one of those beers. Less funny and questionably effective, but also less gross.
Jun 21, 2007 at 9:02 pm rating: 0
#45 Amanda
Stevie Kicks has this one down - it’s great to make sure you have your own beer hidden, but why should you bother buying crappy beer for them anyway? That’s just costing you more money.
I’d say in the short term, the skunky beer or the near-beer ideas are best. For the long run though, do get a mini-fridge and just keep your good stuff with you.
Jun 22, 2007 at 1:24 pm rating: 0
#46 dragonfrog
Never mind putting a padlocked box in the fridge - put a padlock on the fridge.
Jun 24, 2007 at 3:28 am rating: +1
#47 Stinky Wizzleteats
Here’s an idea… grow up and stop having roommates!
Jun 30, 2007 at 9:37 am rating: 0
#48 Dunno
Sleep with his girlfriend and then remind him “we all share here”.
Jul 2, 2007 at 12:24 pm rating: +1
#49 RaggDolly121
Here’s what I would do…
I would buy a mini fridge, hide in like my closet, but a lock on the fridge AND the closet.
Job well done. (also, don’t buy bad beer-its just wasting money anyway)
Jul 3, 2007 at 9:24 am rating: 0
#50 About to kill my roomate
My problems are going mmuuch deeper then beer with my roomate but and considering the amount of anger and stress welling up inside me id personaly Next time i saw one fo them poping one of my delicious Broozkees id grab it and break it on there head
Cant ya just feel the love
Jul 3, 2007 at 2:00 pm rating: 0
#51 About to kill my roommate
WOW i am feeling so much stress i cant even spell
Jul 3, 2007 at 2:02 pm rating: 0
#52 Megan
On vacation in a cabin shared with two other families (one other family, one single guy), the single guy took the second floor, the largest room. To show our appreciation, my brother and I poured out his water bottles and replaced it with toilet water. Just buy bottled beer, replace a couple with toilet water.
Jul 10, 2007 at 5:15 pm rating: 0
#53 THE GUY
I had that problem to. I would buy beer and work out of town and my roomate would drink it and eat my food. So I set him up. I bought a 12 pack. Drank half of six of them and filled them them back up with my piss. Marked them with a black dot on the label and returned them to the fridge.
I also took pasta that had mold growing on it from him leaving it, cleaned it off and put old rotten sauce in it. Made it look nice and fresh. Then replaced the parmasean cheese with gold bond foot powder. Well when I came home that week the beer was gone, there was a plate of pasta on the counter. But all his shit was gone.
Jul 14, 2007 at 10:07 am rating: +1
#54 EClaire
To the above comment about soap, shampoo, etc: My old roommate never bought a new shampoo and conditioner bottle. It took my other roommate and I a couple of months to figure it out, what a mooch. BWHAAA HAA, there was sweet revenge though. I wonder if she ever tasted the soap on her toothbrush? I suggest clear handsoap… YUM.
Jul 15, 2007 at 8:37 am rating: 0
#55 Some Guy
Somerville was a pretty terrible time. I suppose living with 3 people is always hard.
Reminds me of the time when I found out one of my roommates was taking my beer and putting it in his own mini-fridge in his room. He was underage. I honestly didnt have a problem with him drinking the beer, it was more him storing it for later use.
He had moved in for just the summer. He was 19 to my 26. And through some magical stunt he moved into the biggest room in the house as that is the room that had been vacated. When he moved in, he put a lock on his bedroom door. He was the only room to have a lock.
One night, I took matter into my own hands. I admit fully that I was trashed. I picked the lock and got into his room.
Now, I didnt go for vengeance. I just went for equality. Stole back all the beer and took some chips. Cause I was hungry after all that work picking his lock.
He never said anything. The chips were on the coffee table when he got home. He did stop stealing my beer.
Jul 15, 2007 at 9:16 am rating: +1
#5