confession: over the past few days i’ve become a little bit obsessed with google analytics. the dashboard has a lot of numbers and graphs on it, so i can convince myself that what i’m doing is somehow “work,” rather than what it is really is (pointless procrastination).
the feature that most fascinates me is the one that shows the search-engine keywords people use to navigate to this site. today, i realized that’s because these keywords hit the same sweet spot (the voyeurism, the pathos, the hilarity!) of my very favorite passive-aggressive notes. (or a really good episode of this american life.)
i figured it was only fair to let you share in the fun. here’s a sampling from the range of (4000+) phrases that led hapless search-engine users to this site….with lots more after the jump. i couldn’t make this shit up if i tried.
what are some good rules to stand by with my children
should nanny sleep on the job?
what are the effects of a 2 year old locked in his room alone?
why are women expected to clean poopy toilets
what happens when you turn 17
what kind of beer should i drink with my food
why am i aggressive when i drink
why would you shit your pants while drunk
guys and there stupidy how you deal
how can ipecac kill someone
what does wearing your pants down low means in jail
what does “back atcha” mean?
how do you stop being passive aggressive?
hot pockets
hotmom
coco pops
elevator porn
preschooler doesn’t clean up
have a nice day clip art
shitting in fitting rooms
nose picking clip art
sadistic master
“panty gluten”
how to break your own arm
sex in elevator
daughters in bikinis
antabuse and non alcoholic beer
buying schlitz beer in sacramento
dodecatuplets
girls pee on floor
how long to cook a hot pocket
how to handle assholes
how to deal with stupid people
peeing girls
hybrid squat toilet
pull up your pants song
uk dirty panties
what happened to a 9-5 workday
what happens when you turn 40
clipart, man wearing pants that are too large
coco pops fantasy world
creepy cereal killer stuff
dating staying over with no toothbrush
dish rag doesn’t smell gross
do us all a favor kill yourself
ducttape “smell her feet”
dungeon master for hire
eating lunchmeat during pregnancy
explosive diarrhea
fart knuckle
feeling left out co-workers
feeling uncomfortable with guests in my home
fired for jacking off
feces on office building bathroom wall
fat person sitting on a chair
flushing tampons down the toilet, is it bad?
fucking my neighbors son
funny rhymes to display in your bathroom and toilet
gang-banger pants
grossed out by feet
guys and there stupidy how you deal
how cold should a window a/c get
how can ipecac kill someone
how do you spell tennant
how do you stop being passive aggressive?
how is microwaves helpful
old cereal killer in wisconsin
oopsy the clown in the 70’s
participating in a gangbang
passive aggressive anger myspace confrontation
passive aggressive bitches and how to deal with them
passive aggressive shampoo crotch
passive aggressive won’t marry
paying child support for childern that are not yours
people use much paper to wipe seat
pictures of fatty stools
pictures of people flicking their boogers
pissing mom - wtf?
poop on the floor roommate
poison someone
problems flushing toilet floaters
proper forms of the word stupid
pull up your pants in spanish
quit stealing my highlighter
rebuttal dont hate the player, hate the game
room traps to keep people out of your room
roll that beautiful bean footage, sound clip
room traps to keep people out of your room
roommate has no job and eats my food
roommate won’t flush toilet
roommate stop eating “my food” exlax
sex “ice cube tray”
sex crazed moms
sex offenders needing roommates in iowa
should nanny sleep on the job/
signs of very smart childern for free
sink drain smells like dirt
so i’m “passive aggressive” now what
sources for custom toilet seats
spitting in the workplace
starve self kill baby in stomach
strangers want to touch my pregnant stomach on the bus
syrup of epacac for poisoning
take all my money take my bread do you get the message
test to see if one is passive aggressive
things to do with cookie dough
throne sitting in a cloud clipart
to determine the color of a girl’s pubes
torture her in his sadistic dungeon
trains with holes china peoples hygine toliet
u screwed a fatty
unborn baby’s letter to mom
valid reasons to call in sick
visual aids for picking nose
walked in your cube while u were eating
washing hands really necessary after using restroom
what are the effects of a 2 year old locked in his room alone?
what do you do when magnesium citrate doesn’t work
what does “back atcha” mean?
what does fat in the stool look like
what does wearing your pants down low means in jail
what does sd mean on craigslist
what happen when you turn 40 years old
what can you do when you turn 18
what are some good rules to stand by with my childern
what happens when you turn fifty
what happens when you turn 17
what happens to you in a cold room
what is dogshit?
what kind of beer should i drink with my food
what is the reason for booger’s
what to do in brooklyn fun with 12 year olds
what to eat while pregnant smart baby
what will the weather be like for the rest of july in saskatchewan
when does a constantly bitching coworker constitute harassment
who flushes condoms?
who was the first nose picker
why am i aggressive when i drink
which way do you squat when you use a public toilet?
why are women expected to clean poopy toilets
why cant you flush condoms down the toilet
why guys always leave their beer on the bottom shelf poster
why people live in filth
why sitting on the toilet is important
why women vandalize restrooms
why would you shit your pants while drunk
will beer go skunky if left in sun all day
wiping snot on walls
wow sex so fun
your whore of a mom
girl porn in pull-up diapers
why do people wipe snots on walls
“how’s that for an intestine, benson?”
reddit!
stumble it!
93 responses so far ↓
#1 Andy
Wow.
That’s a whole lotta crazy!
Some of it creepy, all pretty durn funny.
Thanks for the hookup! Woohoo! Just in time for Friday at work.
Aug 30, 2007 at 9:46 pm rating: 0
#2 Andy
Hrm. It’d be nice if TAL would do a show (or at least a segment) on this site. I’d like to hear Ira Glass read some of these notes, or perhaps David Sedaris.
Aug 30, 2007 at 9:49 pm rating: 0
#3 Anna-banana
passive aggressive shampoo crotch
what does fat in the stool look like
roll that beautiful bean footage, sound clip
pull up your pants in spanish
…are some of my faves here.
But, where was -’pull up your pants song’? I want that!!!
Why am I obsessed with pull up your pants, stuff? Odd.
Aug 30, 2007 at 10:07 pm rating: 0
#4 cranberry
hahahahaha. now i feel like saying something silly just in case it directs people to your site.
iguana buttsex!
Aug 30, 2007 at 10:14 pm rating: +1
#5 e-Doe
Yeee-aaahhh.
Uh, if I have a “poop on the floor roommate” problem, I’m _not_ going to be googling about it. I’ll be too busy burying the body.
Aug 30, 2007 at 10:33 pm rating: +1
#6 Foxtrot
Why would some need to search for “girl porn in pull-up diapers”? Everyone knows that http://www.shitty-shitty-bang-bang.com is the most comprehensive website for fecal porn. There’s Google, Myspace, Youtube, and Shitty-Shitty-Bang-Bang.com. Duh!
Aug 30, 2007 at 10:52 pm rating: 0
#7 Spooky MILF
It’s a bit disturbing that there are a few searches on how to kill someone, though not surprising…..
Shitting in fitting rooms??? Okay, I’ll never sit down on those little benches again….
Actually they are all a bit disturbing on some level, lol.
Aug 30, 2007 at 11:06 pm rating: 0
#8 Potbelly
Cereal killers!!!! U screwed a fatty. Diaper porn. This is wonderful.
I want to make a contribution to help freaks get here too! Let’s see…testicular torsion, Cleveland steamer, Fitzchivalry, how to beat a paternity test, monsternuts, Milwaukee style lemon chiffon pie recipe, cure for herpes, Aileen Wuornos is still alive, Mace Windu’s purple light saber, Neelix.
Aug 30, 2007 at 11:10 pm rating: 0
#9 Kristi
“how do you spell tennant”
um…not that way.
“starve self kill baby in stomach”
that really creeps me out. dude, just hide the pregnancy and have it in the bathroom at prom already.
“what happen when you turn 40 years old
what can you do when you turn 18
what happens when you turn fifty
what happens when you turn 17″
I wonder if those all came from the same person. Their can’t possibly be this many people in the world asking essentially the same stupid question, can there?
“panty gluten”
…
do I really want to know?
…
that panty gluten was fucking delicious!
Aug 30, 2007 at 11:16 pm rating: 0
#10 Kristi
er, make that “THERE can’t possibly be…”
Aug 30, 2007 at 11:17 pm rating: 0
#11 Kristi
oh, and for the record, I think that the new address for this site should be http://www.pooponthefloorroommate.com
It speaks volumes. VOLUMES.
SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT
Aug 30, 2007 at 11:20 pm rating: 0
#12 super_fan#99
jedi, britney spears, paris hilton, world of warcraft cheats, anal bum covers, more cowbell, lost, heroes, foot fetish
yep, that oughtta just about cover it.
I want to type some of those into google to see what comes up.
fucking my neighbors son
how to break your arm
room traps to keep people out of your room
Aug 30, 2007 at 11:21 pm rating: 0
#13 super_fan#99
There are so many that are so bizarre! I could go on naming my favorites but in the end it would just be a repeat list. Awesome post for a Friday.
Aug 30, 2007 at 11:27 pm rating: 0
#14 Wry Exchange
I’m glad I read this before I went to sleep. I’m going to lock all the doors and windows so the freaks don’t attack. That’s a whole lot of fucktards in one post.
Aug 30, 2007 at 11:30 pm rating: 0
#15 Sonic Joe
“guys and there stupidy how you deal”
“proper forms of the word stupid”
EPIC.
Aug 30, 2007 at 11:30 pm rating: +1
#16 anglophile
What does happen to you in a cold room?
Aug 30, 2007 at 11:51 pm rating: 0
#17 Kai
Can someone please explain to me “How’s that for an intestine, Benson?” It sounds so familiar…
Aug 31, 2007 at 12:33 am rating: 0
#18 super_fan#99
signs of very smart childern for free
Please God, let my kids be smarter than me!
Aug 31, 2007 at 12:42 am rating: 0
#19 spiderflowers
I keep rereading that list wondering how many people typed all of these things each….such as “unborn baby’s letter to mom” and “visual aids for picking nose”. If your unborn baby has a pen or a laptop, you gotta wonder. And if you are in need of any kind of aid for nose picking, that is just sad, people.
Really, could there be more than one person googling these phrases? If so, there truly is something terribly wrong with the human race.
Aug 31, 2007 at 1:08 am rating: 0
#20 spiderflowers
Oh, and hey, by the way what is a fart knuckle?
Aug 31, 2007 at 1:08 am rating: 0
#21 Sweet Jane
I just don’t know why I find poop and farts so funny, but I howled when I read “explosive diarrhea” and “fart knuckle” back to back. HAHAHAHA still laughing!
I rarely laugh out loud when I’m by myself. This is going to keep me going for WEEKS! Best. Post. Ever.
That explosive diarrhea was fucking delicious!
Eeewwwwww….
Aug 31, 2007 at 1:18 am rating: 0
#22 Laurie
http://colbertsheroes.org/google.shtml
I love weird Google searches, to the point that I put a list of them on my Web site. The number of people who want to find out if Stephen Colbert is gay….
Aug 31, 2007 at 4:04 am rating: 0
#23 claw71
“Fat Person Sitting on Chair” is an early Van Gogh painting and I believe “Flushing Condoms” Ska band from Thunder Bay.
“Take all my money, take my bread, do you get the message?” Is an old Conway Twitty song that Shania reworked in her slutty Canadian prarie tart style.
Panty gluten sounds pretty gross but if you have it and get a yeast infection you could end up with a case of ciabata.
The phrase pertaining to passive aggressive bitches is perfect for this site. It’s a passive aggressive solution to your passive aggressive problems.
Aug 31, 2007 at 6:42 am rating: 0
#24 S.S.
My favorite is the one that says,
“Guys and their STUPIDY and how you deal”
I love irony.
Aug 31, 2007 at 9:02 am rating: 0
#25 Adam
Not to funny… Sorry.
Aug 31, 2007 at 9:12 am rating: 0
#26 the cox
Haha, nicely done. Team fart knuckle!
Aug 31, 2007 at 9:19 am rating: 0
#27 claw71
I guess if you want to know what a fat knuckle is you’ll have to do a google search for it.
Aug 31, 2007 at 9:28 am rating: 0
#28 e
do people really put “What, why and how” in their google searches?? C’mon people, that’s “How to use the Internets 101.”
I like the one about women vandalizing restrooms. The answer has something to do with their passive aggresive nature. Interesting stuff if you look into it.
Aug 31, 2007 at 9:37 am rating: 0
#29 Adam
In fact, it’s the most dry piece of humor I’ve seen in a while… I mean WTF did I wake up in England or something, fart jokes are funny in two places only, Simpsons, and Family Guy… Oh my god Shit Sex ha ha ha soooooooooooo funny, oh wait wait wiping snots on the wall bua ha ha ha ha ha Oh, no I jussed pissed myself. So lets re-cap, your note isn’t even a note now is it, and whats more your non- note isn’t even funny… Please, you seem like an internet nut, follow the rules, keep it real in here with funny notes, not this toilet humor nonsense…
Aug 31, 2007 at 10:06 am rating: 0
#30 spiderflowers
Yeah, yeah, yeah it really wasn’t a funny note. You are right. But who cares??? That list was fucking hilarious. So hey, lay off. Anything that shows the stupidy of the general population is golden.
Aug 31, 2007 at 10:24 am rating: 0
#31 Stephanie
I only have one thing to say to this post……..
Thank you Terry!
Aug 31, 2007 at 10:37 am rating: 0
#32 georgie
“why would you shit your pants while drunk”
“pictures of fatty stools”
“what to do in brooklyn fun with 12 year olds”
wow, Mishee, three of your contributions made an actual posting rather than just seeing you in the comments section. congrats!
Aug 31, 2007 at 10:39 am rating: 0
#33 Uh huh
I love Shitting in Fitting Rooms. Their first album is a must-listen.
Aug 31, 2007 at 10:49 am rating: 0
#34 GhostWriter
After all is said and done, we still haven’t found out who was the first nose picker.
JUST ANSWER THE QUESTION !!!
Aug 31, 2007 at 10:51 am rating: 0
#35 T-Bone
The best list EVER for playing “Ad-Libs”!!!
While eating a bowl of coco pops, I was looking at the elevator porn on my way up to my fifth-floor apartment. I’d just had an attack of panty gluten and realized that I was also having
problems flushing toilet floaters, so I had to change my underwear. I had googled “pictures of fatty stools” earlier at work, thinking that might be the problem with those floaters, but my questions weren’t answered by these images.
Going through a nasty divorce, I thought, might be the culprit, but I was also haunted by the question: what are some good rules to stand by with my childern during this difficult time?
Just then, the elevator stopped on the fourth floor, and who should step on but the wise and funny Oopsy the Clown in the 70’s?! “Oh Oopsy, you’ve guided me all these years– you are my good luck charm! You can provide me with these answers, I’m sure!” Oopsy answered quietly, saying, “Which way do you squat when you use a public toilet?”
Aug 31, 2007 at 10:51 am rating: 0
#36 claw71
Adam:
Boy are you a dope. It’s not a note but actual search phrases entered into google that led people to this site. Do you not see the humor in it?
I’ve typed some crazy phrases into Google to see if it was possible to make the internet blow up but none of these ever crossed my mind.
And for the record, farts are always funny. Unless you have IBS in which case it’s still funny for everybody else. I think I’d enjoy IBS myself because then I could make a game of it. What state of matter will this one be? Solid, liquid or gas? Place your bets, folks! And remember if its all three, the house wins.
I suppose you’re a refined Woody Allen fan who doesn’t find humor in things like Cleveland Steamers because they really turn you on. You sick little poop monkey.
Aug 31, 2007 at 10:59 am rating: 0
#37 Andy
What I find amusing about it is the fact that actual people were using these items as Google search terms, and PAN.com came up as a hit.
That’s what makes it gold. Dry humor is not “take all my money take my bread do you get the message”. That’s pretty wet humor.
Hrm. I suppose that’s the opposite of dry humor, but it sounds gross.
Aug 31, 2007 at 11:00 am rating: 0
#38 Mishee
wow, I think for once I am speechless…
Aug 31, 2007 at 11:01 am rating: 0
#39 Adam
I believe that you enjoying this post is a good example of the stupidity of the human race…
Aug 31, 2007 at 11:09 am rating: 0
#40 Mishee
whoa, there’s a pic of Stevie on the This American Life page… why is that?
I’m surprised there isn’t some strange Stevie Nicks reference in this list since we talked about her for a while on the copy paper note…
Aug 31, 2007 at 11:10 am rating: 0
#41 Adam
boo-ya
Aug 31, 2007 at 11:10 am rating: 0
#42 Sazbot
Dear Adam,
You are a doughnut.
Love and Pride
Sazbot.
Representing English Comedy since 1983
Aug 31, 2007 at 11:15 am rating: 0
#43 Adam
Claw 71,
Let me say this, Club Dread Hilarious, Fuking Aqua teen Hunger Force rocks, Dave Chappell may be a demi-god, but this ( which yes I realize its not a note you twit) is not funny, oh my fucking god, people do weird searches, oh my god lets all look down on the poor miscreants that don’t limit themselves to searching for : Paris Hilton Naked, Paris Hilton Sex tape, Or maybe in your case, Eddie blows Dallas…
Aug 31, 2007 at 11:19 am rating: 0
#44 Adam
Sazbot,
You are the shiznat, don’t worry, much love…
Up the Fucking Irons.
Adam
P.S. Benny Hill still rocks!!!
Aug 31, 2007 at 11:23 am rating: 0
#45 mere
-oopsy the clown in the 70’s ?
when?.. wha?… i don’t remember reading about ..?
-starve self kill baby in stomach.
is that some bad japanese translation?
-u screwed a fatty.
just plain funny!
-unicorn fucker leprechaun hustler.
i put that in to see if it would lead to this site.
Aug 31, 2007 at 11:30 am rating: 0
#46 claw71
I’ve never searched for anything like that. The kinkiest website I’ve ever linked through a search was the main page for the Republican National Convention. I believe the phrase I used is posted above: “fucking my neighbors son”
Aug 31, 2007 at 11:34 am rating: 0
#47 luckymommy
mothafuckas are sick, I swear.
I remember going behind my bf on the computer one day to find he’d done a quick search for “wet panties” …wtf? That’s disgusting. What in the hell is wrong with people out here?
Aug 31, 2007 at 11:43 am rating: 0
#48 Adam
Also Claw 71,
Take a look at the top of the page does it not say “Passive Agressive Notes”, Now let me say again, this is not a note… now that i’ve broken that down for you, do you understand where i’m coming from. I was promised notes goddamn it, this is not a note, nor is it funny. WTF…
Aug 31, 2007 at 11:50 am rating: 0
#49 claw71
Technically speaking the site doesn’t necessarily promise passive agressive notes. It’s not as though this post was a picture of somebody’s puppy…it pertains to this site and how people find it. So technically it’s related to passive aggressive notes.
I appreciate the fact that you aren’t thrilled with it but at the end of the day you’re in the minority. Nothing wrong with that at all but instead of whining about it, be a good citizen and track down a note that meets your criteria. I’m sure we’d all love to review it.
Aug 31, 2007 at 11:58 am rating: 0
#50 Naomi
The only one that makes me say WTF:
How to break your own arm.
Aug 31, 2007 at 11:59 am rating: 0
#51 Patrick
Fut the Whuck?
buying schlitz beer in sacramento.
Aug 31, 2007 at 12:37 pm rating: 0
#52 Mrs L Carrot
How do you spell tennant?
EXACTLY that way if you are looking for Dr Who.
Cracking list for a Friday!
Aug 31, 2007 at 12:45 pm rating: 0
#53 Mrs L Carrot
Actually…. I might have got that wrong, he might only spell it with one N….
Aug 31, 2007 at 12:46 pm rating: 0
#54 Mrs L Carrot
Nope, that IS the way to spell tennant.
Aug 31, 2007 at 12:46 pm rating: 0
#55 Mrs L Carrot
Ah… just thought, you’re all american, you’re not going to understand any of this… David Tennant plays the part of Dr Who. Dr Who is a popular british sci fi TV programme.
Aug 31, 2007 at 12:47 pm rating: 0
#56 Team Cinnamon
“how’s that for an intestine, benson?â€
I mean, really!
Aug 31, 2007 at 12:52 pm rating: 0
#57 Mrs L Carrot
PS A lot of people seem to type “Peggy Wanker” in to get to my site.
Aug 31, 2007 at 1:02 pm rating: 0
#58 Mr DeBakey
“fired for jacking offâ€
Is this one a typo, Its meant to refer to a dress code issue – “fired for jacket offâ€
“sex offenders needing roommates in iowaâ€
Try Senator Craig’s place
“what is dogshit?â€
I know the answer to that one without looking it up
“who flushes condoms?â€
The lucky dog who gets to use ‘em, that’s who!
Aug 31, 2007 at 1:29 pm rating: 0
#59 mere
my friend has the biggest crush on mr. tennant, so i understood the reference.
Aug 31, 2007 at 2:37 pm rating: 0
#60 S
Thanks for the laughs (once I got over being slightly creeped out).
http://www.pooponthefloorroommate.com — Brilliant!
Maybe these Googlers think they’re on AskJeeves? The collective Googling concious displayed here is a little disconcerting in its stupidy.
Aug 31, 2007 at 2:43 pm rating: 0
#61 Zsa
These are like a train wreck, you dont want to keep looking but you just HAVE to.
After being disgusted and only slightly amused, I send my burnt offering–what’s left in the bottom of the coffee pot– to the PAN gods asking for an ACTUAL NOTE please.
(and yes, I submitted so I KNOW there is at least one out there)
Aug 31, 2007 at 3:54 pm rating: 0
#62 Elsa
What DOES wearing your pants down low mean in jail?
Aug 31, 2007 at 4:24 pm rating: 0
#63 Mrs. Bender
it became a style because they got their belts taken away. it’s code for “Look at my boxers, I am a total fool” in the big house.
Aug 31, 2007 at 5:15 pm rating: 0
#64 Mishee