craig from nottingham, england snapped these at the pub where his cousin works. (apologies for the blurriness — just pretend you’ve already knocked back a few pints.)
by the way, if you’d like to go meet stephen and shake his hand, craig says the name of the pub is the flowing spring, in henley. stephen seems like a kindred spirit to desi’s new york dungeon master, no?
related: p-e-t-t-y
reddit!
stumble it!
110 responses so far ↓
#1 TAJ
Congrats, GVI! Your parents must be so proud!
So if the actual money in the register is above what is expected, he’ll take the difference from the employee’s wages? I like that strategy!
Sep 11, 2007 at 12:09 am rating: 0
#2 BoggyWoggy
OK…let’s get this straight;
I can’t throw away the gold coffee lids? Well, for your information, I haven’t BEEN throwing them away! For god’s sake…they’re frickin’ GOLD! I’ve been melting them down in order to make new front teeth…since you keep taking money outta my wages! I can’t afford a dentist!
Sep 11, 2007 at 12:52 am rating: 0
#3 marla
It doesn’t do much good to threaten part-time workers with “consequences”. If he were going to fire them, he would have done it already- he obviously needs them way more than they need him. I bet he doesn’t pay very well either.
Sep 11, 2007 at 12:53 am rating: 0
#4 Ryan
I love the usage of “forthwith” in a PA note; it just makes it seem classier.
Sep 11, 2007 at 1:15 am rating: 0
#5 Obstreperous B
At first I thought the note-writer’s wrath had caused him to lapse into German or Flemish or some similarly guttural tongue–eventually what I’d been reading as “Au Statt” resolved itself into “All Staff”.
The standards achieved in your penmanship are not what I expect, pub-owning fussbudget.
Sep 11, 2007 at 5:19 am rating: 0
#6 claw71
Two words: employee handbook.
When you hire somebody give them a handbook and require them to sign off on it, then you can impose penalties (or consequences) without cluttering the joint up with signs.
And the coffee mints were fucking delicious.
Sep 11, 2007 at 6:54 am rating: 0
#7 S.S.
…great, if the till is down you will take the difference from my wages.
Then, by logic, it must follow that if the till is up you’ll give me the extra money, right?
Yeah, I thought so. Jerk.
Sep 11, 2007 at 7:47 am rating: 0
#8 southern girl
Well, I could clearly NEVER work for Stephen. All the pressure from the tons of rules would drive me over the edge.
I just hope Stephen doesn’t see this and find out his employee was busy snapping photos on company time. Look for a new note soon, “Company time is NOT for photo-taking”
Sep 11, 2007 at 9:01 am rating: 0
#9 S.S.
I’ve always found it a little unreasonable for any employer to expect their minimum-wage employees to take their job that seriously.
Especially when they are talked to like naught 5 year olds. “You must expect consequences.” Like what? Gonna fire me? Good luck getting anyone else to work this crappy job.
Sep 11, 2007 at 9:07 am rating: 0
#10 GhostWriter
Note the forshadowing used in the first note, which ends with an underlined, “AND LOTS MORE”
Yes, new employee- here in Stephensville, there is lots more where that came from. Lots, lots more.
Sep 11, 2007 at 9:09 am rating: 0
#11 spiderflowers
Hey whoever expects to go into a sparkling clean pub anyway? Is Martha Stewart Stephen’s idol?
And I seriously doubt that most of those part time workers even know the meaning of forthwith.
Sep 11, 2007 at 9:47 am rating: 0
#12 spiderflowers
Sorry that was supposed to be who ever, not whoever.
Don’t bitch at me for a typo!
Sep 11, 2007 at 9:48 am rating: 0
#13 claw71
It’s been a while since I handled food and beverage but when you’re managing a pub aren’t coffee mints quite a bit down from the top of the list of things you don’t want employees consuming?
Sep 11, 2007 at 10:03 am rating: 0
#14 zsa
Holy bad penmenship, Batman! #6- I saw the same thing and then I read “if the TIN is up or down” and my coffee deprived brain said HUH?
Where the heck does the TIN go then?
Luckily for all of us he moved to ALL CAPS typing, so we were not further confused.
that gold filter was f’ing delish… cause YUCK~ if I didnt eat it I’d have to hope someone washed it.
#14 claw– morning dear! I keep chowing on the coffee mints so none suspects tht I’m putting down a pint an hour~
Sep 11, 2007 at 10:28 am rating: 0
#15 Katzndogz
Maybe they were washing the mints down with cognac.
Sep 11, 2007 at 10:28 am rating: 0
#16 Lisa
good lord, stephen’s a little bitch! I’m picturing a blustering, short little blowhard with a bad combover. I hope he gets ignored.
Sep 11, 2007 at 10:42 am rating: 0
#17 the sos
ahahaha! yeah claw, i’d be a bit more concerned about my peeps dipping in the booze than the mints. and anyway, it’s a bar - and it sounds like he’s got staff coming and going everywhich way. if his standards are that high then he needs to hire some full time people. or start taking valium. come to think of it, valium is never out of order…
au staut!
Sep 11, 2007 at 10:46 am rating: 0
#18 the sos
i meant “au statt”
Sep 11, 2007 at 10:47 am rating: 0
#19 Sair
Claw, you beat me to it, boo hoo - was ready and raring to go with my ‘those coffee mints were fucking delicious’ then saw you got there first - curses!
I’ve worked in pubs like that for people like Stephen before and all I can say is - Hitler complex much? Stephen’s obviously a sad twat who gets his kicks from bullying the part-timers (who are usually students or, like me, work a daytime job too just to make ends meet, although thankfully don’t have to do that shit anymore…). Yeah, fair enough, there are always lazy no-hopers “working” in pubs/bars who couldn’t care less about the place and that’s not cool kids, but come on Stephen - treat your staff right and you’ll reap the rewards dude.
Tosspot. (Just for you Mishee!)
(Team Expect The Consequences)
Sep 11, 2007 at 10:52 am rating: 0
#20 lauralaiwc
if stephen just took up the art alcehmy his fears over lost golden coffee lids would be over.
at least they arent eating those fucking delicious lids.
now its 10am and i want a white russian. *sigh*
Sep 11, 2007 at 11:07 am rating: 0
#21 Heather
The use of “forthwith” in note 3 makes me strangely happy.
Sep 11, 2007 at 11:31 am rating: 0
#22 georgie
jesus, you people are fucking bitter. being a minimum wager doesn’t mean you can eat whatever you want and let your cash drawer go to shit. these are reminders and notices hoping that the information will stick out to people more and also be a warning if they continue to do it. cut the guy some slack, holy crap.
Sep 11, 2007 at 11:37 am rating: 0
#23 ijRoberts
Georgie, there are plenty of ways to get the same message across without sounding like you are degrading your own employees and treating them like three year olds. Perhaps if Stephen were a bit better boss, his employees might treat his pub with a bit more respect? Respect should start from the top and work its way down…
Sep 11, 2007 at 11:48 am rating: 0
#24 claw71
Whoa, there! It seesm as though somebody might be a little insecure. Are you underpaying your employees?
You’re right, low wages does not grant one the right to pilfer food or shirk one’s job duties but this series of notes clearly belies a lousy place to work and a seriously deficient manager.
If you treat employees with respect and pay them a fair wage you’ll retain good people who go the extra mile, treat people like idiots and that’s what you’ll be managing.
One thing that worries me, the staff clearly seems less than enthusiastic about their jobs which means the food might be getting some extracurricular attention. I’m a little concerned that Stephen is more worried about coffe lids than he is spit sandwiches.
Sep 11, 2007 at 12:09 pm rating: 0
#25 claw71
If I’m working a register and the balance is up I’m putting that money in my pocket. I’m just trying to help my boss.
And when I ring in sick, I’m going to his house to shag his wife.
Sep 11, 2007 at 12:14 pm rating: 0
#26 Shannon
Seriously - he’s pissed about mints? I can sorta understand if employees were eating real food, but mints? I used to work at a restaurant that gave out baskets of biscuits before each meal, and the manager would go apeshit if he caught us eating those. But you can’t serve the biscuits if they have a big thumbprint in them…
Mmmm, sabotaged biscuits…
Sep 11, 2007 at 12:42 pm rating: 0
#27 Fraulein N
God damn I know those mints were fucking delicious but how much can they possibly cost that Stephen felt the need to put up a notice about them? Unless the mints are gold as well, or the employees are making them into sandwiches or something, I’d say Stephen needs to chill the fuck out.
I like the “AND LOTS MORE,” though; it makes me feel like I should be expecting a second CD of Freedom Rock if I order within the next ten minutes.
Sep 11, 2007 at 12:52 pm rating: 0
#28 Mint Man
I can eat a bucketful of mints at one time, that fucker better hope I don’t apply there.
Sep 11, 2007 at 12:53 pm rating: 0
#29 GhostWriter
The more I read the notes, the more I get the feeling that the bar help follow Stephen’s orders about as well as a three-year-old responds to a threat of, “You’re going to be in very big trouble!”
Picture a head-scratching Stephen, looking at a half-empty box of coffee mints, (whatever in Hell they are) wondering, “Now, where are they going? It can’t be the help- I left a note!”
Something akin to Frasier Crane demanding that some absurd behavior must stop, moments before Roz unerringly redoes it.
Sep 11, 2007 at 12:58 pm rating: 0
#30 will
The Queen’s English is the gold standard of passive aggressive language. How the hell did they ever build an empire?
Sep 11, 2007 at 1:10 pm rating: 0
#31 claw71
Encyclopedia Brown and the Case of the Missing Mints.
Stephen was furious about the empty bucket of mints. “They seem to disappear about a week after I open them,” he lamented. “It’s putting me out of business!”
Encyclodpedia Brown looked around the pub carefully examining every clue. “I think I solved the case,” he said, “but I have to check on something to be sure.”
“Where are we going? ” Sally asked as they pedaled down Maple Street.
“Bugs Meany’s hideout,” Encyclopedia said grimly. “Haven’t you figured this out by now?”
When they got there Bugs’ clubhouse was quiet. Too quiet. So they slowly crept up and peered in the window. That’s when the heard the sound of a pump action shotgun chambering a round.
“Don’t even think about moving, ho,” Bugs growled as he jabbed the barrel of the Remmington into Sally’s ribs. “I’ve been waiting for this a long time.”
“Bugs, what do you think you’re doing?” Encylopedia asked timidly.
“What I should have done a long time ago, you nosey little bitch. I’m taking you down, gangsta style.”
Sally, ever the brave one turned around. She looked Bugs squarely in the eye and calmly said, “I don’t think you have the guts to…”
She was interupted by a blast from the Remmington and her lifeless body was thrown through the thin particle board walls of the old clubhouse, knocking over stolen bikes, lawn ornaments and something that sounded suspiciously like a can of cheap coffee mints, the kind the drunks chew on when they go back to work after a liquid lunch at the dirty little pub on the edge of town. Stephen’s pub.
Bugs laughed and turned to Encyclopedia. “It looks like I won’t be getting beat up by a girl this time,” he chuckled, chambering another round of buck shot as he took aim at Encyclopedia’s face…
Sep 11, 2007 at 1:20 pm rating: 0
#32 Misheeâ„¢
claw! you totally kill me!! how did this solve the Case of the Missing Mints though if E.B. wasn’t around to take everyone down? A pre-mailed letter to his dad? Please elaborate!
Sep 11, 2007 at 1:26 pm rating: 0
#33 Wade
I think I have figured out most of the last part of the first note:
?? Boxes left, ashtrays dirty, litter in the garden, balcony untidy, cobwebs everywhere, dirty dishes left out overnight AND LOTS MORE.
Garden? Balcony?
I guess the well-rounded au statt, along with tending bar, must be well versed in landscaping and ushering.
Sep 11, 2007 at 1:32 pm rating: 0
#34 claw71
The shotgun blast drew the attention of neighbors who called the cops. After a vengeful rampage by Encyclopedia’s father, who was taken down by the state cops after killing Bugs Meany, Will Wilford and the rest of the town hooligans, the stolen mints were discovered and returned to the rightful owner.
The moral of this story: don’t fight crime unless you’re packing heat.
Oh, and a side note: An autopsy done on Sally revealed that she was pregnant…WITH BUGS MEANY’S BABY!!!
Sep 11, 2007 at 1:33 pm rating: 0
#35 TL
Stephen, the tin is up! No, wait! Now it’s down! It’s up again! Down! Up! Down! Thanks, Terry.
Sep 11, 2007 at 1:40 pm rating: 0
#36 lauralaiwc
wow, claw. just, wow. i dont know whether to laugh or cry and hide under a blanket.
mishee, darlin, making such statements back at those “tosspots” furhter reinforces what they have said. youre just adding fuel to the fire, honey
i worked for a boss like this but in an office, and he accused me of embezzeling company accounts which i had no access too. he was paranoid. he later apologized when he found a receipt for said amount of missin money on a receipt to a resturaunt he had taken the office to.
therefore, i bet stephen eats the mints in his sleep.
Sep 11, 2007 at 1:42 pm rating: 0
#37 lauralaiwc
haha, until i figured out what “Tin” really was in context of the rest of the note(s), i thought maybe it was some of that odd brittish slang for toilet lid.
Sep 11, 2007 at 1:43 pm rating: 0
#38 Sair
Aw, Mish, shucks thanks! Am now racking my brains every day to think of more good Brit insults for you - think I excelled myself with tosspot earlier so that’s probably your lot for today…
Claw, when you ring in sick to go round and shag the boss’ wife, do you take her a box of coffee mints?
Sep 11, 2007 at 1:57 pm rating: 0
#39 Misheeâ„¢
No claw probably offers her a tin of biscuits after he wines and dines her with some bangers and mash….
Cheerio!
Sep 11, 2007 at 2:03 pm rating: 0
#40 lauralaiwc
if he does take her coffee mints, i wonder where he leaves them to hide the scent…
Sep 11, 2007 at 2:08 pm rating: 0
#41 lauralaiwc
yah. i went there.
Sep 11, 2007 at 2:14 pm rating: 0
#42 claw71
Those mints are for me, after I leave. I don’t want to wander around town all day with muff breath.
I think the best British insult is wanker, but we Americans rarely enunciate it properly. It’s got to be WAHN’ kah if it’s going to count. And if you really been business modify it with the traditional “bloody.”
I also like to see it used in that bubbly queen’s English you might associate with Mary Poppins. Think of Julie Andrews saying the following in her musically impeccable British accent:
“I say child, are you a wanker? Do you like to toss off in the loo? Why don’t you show me? Go on, now. Reach down and give yourself a proper wank. That’s it. My you’re a big boy, aren’t you? Keep wanking. That’s it. Delightful, wasn’t it? Never mind that, I’ll clean it up straight away. Now go fetch me Stephen’s mints, and for the queen’s sake, leave the tin down. Be sure to keep the area neat and tidy. La, la, la!”
Sep 11, 2007 at 2:22 pm rating: 0
#43 lauralaiwc
*shudders* i would find it kinda funny if it werent for the thought of “child”.
i see how you are, you leave her with the gold coffee lids whilst you run amuck with the edible goods.
Sep 11, 2007 at 2:41 pm rating: 0
#44 claw71
Sorry for the creepy moment but I was playing out a personal fantasy. If it makes you feel any better imagine that “child” refers to a young lad who is of the age of consent. In the UK that might be 12.
Sep 11, 2007 at 2:45 pm rating: 0
#45 lauralaiwc
yuck 2x. in texas its 17, somehow thats not as bad. but being over the age 0f 20, i still cant bring myself to do it.
you have a personal fantasy of brittish nanies watching children (of consent age, of course) wack off?
Sep 11, 2007 at 2:49 pm rating: 0
#46 zsa
“My dear… I know Stephen wont let you even touch those gold coffee lids, but I am your knight in shining gold armor!!! Please, touch the gold lids… stroke them… and keep them as a momento”
Sep 11, 2007 at 2:51 pm rating: 0
#47 zsa
Or is it just Mary Poppins/ Julie Andrews? Still a bit creepy any way you look at it.
Sep 11, 2007 at 2:53 pm rating: 0
#48 lauralaiwc
lets just hope you wash them before you stick them back on the shelf, zsa!
Sep 11, 2007 at 2:55 pm rating: 0
#49 lauralaiwc
i know. i cant get the short-haired sound of music nun image out of my head though.
Sep 11, 2007 at 2:56 pm rating: 0
#50 lauralaiwc
“you are 16, going on seventeen…”
almost legal!
Sep 11, 2007 at 3:00 pm rating: 0
#51 Misheeâ„¢
Why pick on Stephen wanting to keep the lids? Perhaps he is going on an Urban Legend much like the tootsie pop wrapper story that if he collects a certain amount of coffee lids he gets a free pound of coffee… or maybe he is recycling??
Sep 11, 2007 at 3:01 pm rating: 0
#52 claw71
The fantasy is of a British nanny watching ME, wank away on the trouser tea biscuit. Jeez! What do you think I am, some kind of sicko?
Sep 11, 2007 at 3:07 pm rating: 0
#53 lauralaiwc
i wouldnt want to drink out of a recycled coffee lid. those things are typically meant to be disposable. if they are the kind of lid i am thinking.
ESPECIALLY if claw got his, erm…hands…on them…
Sep 11, 2007 at 3:09 pm rating: 0
#54 lauralaiwc
i prefer biscotti to tea biscuts myself.
Sep 11, 2007 at 3:10 pm rating: 0
#55 Anna-banana
Encyclopedia Brown has solved the REAL case of the missing mints….in Claw’s gullet after cleansing his muff-breath from an afternoon shagging the boss’ wife.
And the mints weren’t stolen from Stephen’s pub, but rather from the employee communal fridge-after the 45 min rule.
Case closed.
That boss’s wife was F-ing delicious.
Sep 11, 2007 at 3:17 pm rating: 0
#56 lauralaiwc
how delicious could she have been if a gullet-full of mints was required afterwords?
Sep 11, 2007 at 3:21 pm rating: 0
#57 dawn
I have not laughed so long and loudly at work in a long time. Claw, that Encyclopedia Brown writeup was brillant. Between that and the “Bad” parody in the other thread, I’m cracking up over here.
Sep 11, 2007 at 3:36 pm rating: 0
#58 claw71
Look I love garlic bread but that doesn’t mean I want to go around smelling like it all day. The same goes for dining at the “Y”.
Sep 11, 2007 at 3:53 pm rating: 0
#59 GhostWriter
I was about to make my obligatory comment that the Claw went too far again, substituting violence and porn for true wit, but the results are in, and it’s a hit all around, so I won’t.
…but they really are known as after-coffee mints. Coffee mints would make your breath smell like coffee, the same way that dog biscuits make your breath smell like, umm.. oh, never mind.
Sep 11, 2007 at 3:58 pm rating: 0
#60 claw71
A song, to the tune of “My Baby Just Wrote me a Letter”
I left the stupid tin down just yesterday, now the boss may dock my stinking pay
Coffee mints are gone, cleaning work ain’t done, Stephen just scribbled a letter.
Someone took all the golden coffee lids, could have sworn it was the soccer kids
Coffee mints are gone, cleaning work ain’t done, Stephen just scribbled a letter.
Well he scribbled a letter said we better keep this area neat and clean
Can’t call in sick, we owe it to the pub, why is Stephen so mean?
Everyday, Yeah.
Sep 11, 2007 at 4:06 pm rating: 0
#61 claw71
GW:
Not to cast aspersions but you strike me as one of those old Jewish comics hanging out at the friars club telling the young stars not to go blue. “Never go blue kid, it’s not classy.”
Or perhaps you’re the Bill Cosby to my Richard Pryor. Except I’m not very funny. Of course there’s a joke in there. Bill Cosby+pudding pops+ Richard (Dick) = gold. Jerry, I tell ya, it’s gold.
Think of my violence laden parody of EB as a satire of modern society with a gen-x pop culture reference. That spoon full of sugar will help the medicine go down.
Sep 11, 2007 at 4:13 pm rating: 0
#62 GhostWriter
I love the song!
But you need to add “after-” as a prefix to each mention of coffee mints.
Sep 11, 2007 at 4:13 pm rating: 0
#63 Oveta
[quote]#42 lauralaiwc on Sep 11, 2007 at 1:42 pm
mishee, darlin, making such statements back at those “tosspots†furhter reinforces what they have said. youre just adding fuel to the fire, honey [/quote]
You think she doesnt know that?
Sep 11, 2007 at 4:13 pm rating: 0
#64 Misheeâ„¢
GW, I think claw is still calling them coffee mints just to see how many times he can get you to post with a correction.
Pay attention claw! It’s AFTER- coffee mints!!
Sep 11, 2007 at 4:15 pm rating: 0
#65 GhostWriter
PS: I love the characterization of Buddy Young “Mr. Saturday Night” so much that I am contemplating sticking with it for a bit.
And yes, I do have a choice.
After much thought, I’m certain the sole reason it hasn’t caught on yet is that I forgot to bold the full label of after-coffee mints.
Sep 11, 2007 at 4:22 pm rating: 0