Now that’s effective management

September 10th, 2007 · 113 comments

Craig from Nottingham, England snapped these at the pub where his cousin works. (Apologies for the blurriness — just pretend you’ve already knocked back a few pints.)

TO ALL STAFF  The habit of simply writing in the duties diary or ringing up to say "Can't work" will cease forthwith. With my approval, attempts to swap shifts with another member of staff of a similar experience will be made first if that is not possible then approach to me to ask for time off. Although for some of you your work is part-time it is not temporary and I expect people when they say they want to to work at the pub to fufil [sic] their part of the bargain.

Keep this area clean and tidy and all times  do not throw away the gold coffee lids   do not eat the coffee mints

All staff: The standards achieved in this pub are not what I expect. Unless effort and levels of cleanliness improve then you must expect the consequences.

If the tin is down or up and you don't tell me then I MAY take the difference from your wages.

By the way, if you’d like to go meet Stephen and shake his hand, Craig says the name of the pub is The Flowing Spring, in Henley. Stephen seems like a kindred spirit to Desi’s New York dungeon master, no?

related: p-e-t-t-y

FILED UNDER: bar · CAPS LOCK · cleaning · crazy boss · excessive underlining · not-so-veiled threats · Nottingham · office · U.K.


113 responses so far ↓

  • #1   TAJ

    Congrats, GVI! Your parents must be so proud!

    So if the actual money in the register is above what is expected, he’ll take the difference from the employee’s wages? I like that strategy!

    Sep 11, 2007 at 12:09 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #2   BoggyWoggy

    OK…let’s get this straight;
    I can’t throw away the gold coffee lids? Well, for your information, I haven’t BEEN throwing them away! For god’s sake…they’re frickin’ GOLD! I’ve been melting them down in order to make new front teeth…since you keep taking money outta my wages! I can’t afford a dentist!

    Sep 11, 2007 at 12:52 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #3   marla

    It doesn’t do much good to threaten part-time workers with “consequences”. If he were going to fire them, he would have done it already- he obviously needs them way more than they need him. I bet he doesn’t pay very well either.

    Sep 11, 2007 at 12:53 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   jason

      Exactly. I love how restaurant managers threaten termination as if “server” is some rare position that one can’t find elsewhere.

      May 10, 2009 at 5:06 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #4   Ryan

    I love the usage of “forthwith” in a PA note; it just makes it seem classier.

    Sep 11, 2007 at 1:15 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #5   Obstreperous B

    At first I thought the note-writer’s wrath had caused him to lapse into German or Flemish or some similarly guttural tongue–eventually what I’d been reading as “Au Statt” resolved itself into “All Staff”.

    The standards achieved in your penmanship are not what I expect, pub-owning fussbudget.

    Sep 11, 2007 at 5:19 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #6   claw71

    Two words: employee handbook.

    When you hire somebody give them a handbook and require them to sign off on it, then you can impose penalties (or consequences) without cluttering the joint up with signs.

    And the coffee mints were fucking delicious.

    Sep 11, 2007 at 6:54 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #7   S.S.

    …great, if the till is down you will take the difference from my wages.

    Then, by logic, it must follow that if the till is up you’ll give me the extra money, right?

    Yeah, I thought so. Jerk.

    Sep 11, 2007 at 7:47 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #8   southern girl

    Well, I could clearly NEVER work for Stephen. All the pressure from the tons of rules would drive me over the edge.

    I just hope Stephen doesn’t see this and find out his employee was busy snapping photos on company time. Look for a new note soon, “Company time is NOT for photo-taking”

    Sep 11, 2007 at 9:01 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #9   S.S.

    I’ve always found it a little unreasonable for any employer to expect their minimum-wage employees to take their job that seriously.

    Especially when they are talked to like naught 5 year olds. “You must expect consequences.” Like what? Gonna fire me? Good luck getting anyone else to work this crappy job.

    Sep 11, 2007 at 9:07 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #10   GhostWriter

    Note the forshadowing used in the first note, which ends with an underlined, “AND LOTS MORE”

    Yes, new employee- here in Stephensville, there is lots more where that came from. Lots, lots more.

    Sep 11, 2007 at 9:09 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #11   spiderflowers

    Hey whoever expects to go into a sparkling clean pub anyway? Is Martha Stewart Stephen’s idol?

    And I seriously doubt that most of those part time workers even know the meaning of forthwith.

    Sep 11, 2007 at 9:47 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #12   spiderflowers

    Sorry that was supposed to be who ever, not whoever.

    Don’t bitch at me for a typo!

    Sep 11, 2007 at 9:48 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #13   claw71

    It’s been a while since I handled food and beverage but when you’re managing a pub aren’t coffee mints quite a bit down from the top of the list of things you don’t want employees consuming?

    Sep 11, 2007 at 10:03 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #14   zsa

    Holy bad penmenship, Batman! #6- I saw the same thing and then I read “if the TIN is up or down” and my coffee deprived brain said HUH?
    Where the heck does the TIN go then?

    Luckily for all of us he moved to ALL CAPS typing, so we were not further confused.

    that gold filter was f’ing delish… cause YUCK~ if I didnt eat it I’d have to hope someone washed it.

    #14 claw– morning dear! I keep chowing on the coffee mints so none suspects tht I’m putting down a pint an hour~

    Sep 11, 2007 at 10:28 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #15   Katzndogz

    Maybe they were washing the mints down with cognac.

    Sep 11, 2007 at 10:28 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #16   Lisa

    good lord, stephen’s a little bitch! I’m picturing a blustering, short little blowhard with a bad combover. I hope he gets ignored.

    Sep 11, 2007 at 10:42 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #17   the sos

    ahahaha! yeah claw, i’d be a bit more concerned about my peeps dipping in the booze than the mints. and anyway, it’s a bar – and it sounds like he’s got staff coming and going everywhich way. if his standards are that high then he needs to hire some full time people. or start taking valium. come to think of it, valium is never out of order…

    au staut!

    Sep 11, 2007 at 10:46 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #18   the sos

    i meant “au statt”

    Sep 11, 2007 at 10:47 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #19   Sair

    Claw, you beat me to it, boo hoo – was ready and raring to go with my ‘those coffee mints were fucking delicious’ then saw you got there first – curses!

    I’ve worked in pubs like that for people like Stephen before and all I can say is – Hitler complex much? Stephen’s obviously a sad twat who gets his kicks from bullying the part-timers (who are usually students or, like me, work a daytime job too just to make ends meet, although thankfully don’t have to do that shit anymore…). Yeah, fair enough, there are always lazy no-hopers “working” in pubs/bars who couldn’t care less about the place and that’s not cool kids, but come on Stephen – treat your staff right and you’ll reap the rewards dude.

    Tosspot. (Just for you Mishee!)

    (Team Expect The Consequences)

    Sep 11, 2007 at 10:52 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #20   lauralaiwc

    if stephen just took up the art alcehmy his fears over lost golden coffee lids would be over.

    at least they arent eating those fucking delicious lids.

    now its 10am and i want a white russian. *sigh*

    Sep 11, 2007 at 11:07 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #21   Heather

    The use of “forthwith” in note 3 makes me strangely happy.

    Sep 11, 2007 at 11:31 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #22   georgie

    jesus, you people are fucking bitter. being a minimum wager doesn’t mean you can eat whatever you want and let your cash drawer go to shit. these are reminders and notices hoping that the information will stick out to people more and also be a warning if they continue to do it. cut the guy some slack, holy crap.

    Sep 11, 2007 at 11:37 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #23   ijRoberts

    Georgie, there are plenty of ways to get the same message across without sounding like you are degrading your own employees and treating them like three year olds. Perhaps if Stephen were a bit better boss, his employees might treat his pub with a bit more respect? Respect should start from the top and work its way down…

    Sep 11, 2007 at 11:48 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #24   claw71

    Whoa, there! It seesm as though somebody might be a little insecure. Are you underpaying your employees?

    You’re right, low wages does not grant one the right to pilfer food or shirk one’s job duties but this series of notes clearly belies a lousy place to work and a seriously deficient manager.

    If you treat employees with respect and pay them a fair wage you’ll retain good people who go the extra mile, treat people like idiots and that’s what you’ll be managing.

    One thing that worries me, the staff clearly seems less than enthusiastic about their jobs which means the food might be getting some extracurricular attention. I’m a little concerned that Stephen is more worried about coffe lids than he is spit sandwiches.

    Sep 11, 2007 at 12:09 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #25   claw71

    If I’m working a register and the balance is up I’m putting that money in my pocket. I’m just trying to help my boss.

    And when I ring in sick, I’m going to his house to shag his wife.

    Sep 11, 2007 at 12:14 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #26   Shannon

    Seriously – he’s pissed about mints? I can sorta understand if employees were eating real food, but mints? I used to work at a restaurant that gave out baskets of biscuits before each meal, and the manager would go apeshit if he caught us eating those. But you can’t serve the biscuits if they have a big thumbprint in them…
    Mmmm, sabotaged biscuits…

    Sep 11, 2007 at 12:42 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #27   Fraulein N

    God damn I know those mints were fucking delicious but how much can they possibly cost that Stephen felt the need to put up a notice about them? Unless the mints are gold as well, or the employees are making them into sandwiches or something, I’d say Stephen needs to chill the fuck out.

    I like the “AND LOTS MORE,” though; it makes me feel like I should be expecting a second CD of Freedom Rock if I order within the next ten minutes.

    Sep 11, 2007 at 12:52 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #28   Mint Man

    I can eat a bucketful of mints at one time, that fucker better hope I don’t apply there.

    Sep 11, 2007 at 12:53 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #29   GhostWriter

    The more I read the notes, the more I get the feeling that the bar help follow Stephen’s orders about as well as a three-year-old responds to a threat of, “You’re going to be in very big trouble!”

    Picture a head-scratching Stephen, looking at a half-empty box of coffee mints, (whatever in Hell they are) wondering, “Now, where are they going? It can’t be the help- I left a note!”

    Something akin to Frasier Crane demanding that some absurd behavior must stop, moments before Roz unerringly redoes it.

    Sep 11, 2007 at 12:58 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #30   will

    The Queen’s English is the gold standard of passive aggressive language. How the hell did they ever build an empire?

    Sep 11, 2007 at 1:10 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #31   claw71

    Encyclopedia Brown and the Case of the Missing Mints.

    Stephen was furious about the empty bucket of mints. “They seem to disappear about a week after I open them,” he lamented. “It’s putting me out of business!”

    Encyclodpedia Brown looked around the pub carefully examining every clue. “I think I solved the case,” he said, “but I have to check on something to be sure.”

    “Where are we going? ” Sally asked as they pedaled down Maple Street.

    “Bugs Meany’s hideout,” Encyclopedia said grimly. “Haven’t you figured this out by now?”

    When they got there Bugs’ clubhouse was quiet. Too quiet. So they slowly crept up and peered in the window. That’s when the heard the sound of a pump action shotgun chambering a round.

    “Don’t even think about moving, ho,” Bugs growled as he jabbed the barrel of the Remmington into Sally’s ribs. “I’ve been waiting for this a long time.”

    “Bugs, what do you think you’re doing?” Encylopedia asked timidly.

    “What I should have done a long time ago, you nosey little bitch. I’m taking you down, gangsta style.”

    Sally, ever the brave one turned around. She looked Bugs squarely in the eye and calmly said, “I don’t think you have the guts to…”

    She was interupted by a blast from the Remmington and her lifeless body was thrown through the thin particle board walls of the old clubhouse, knocking over stolen bikes, lawn ornaments and something that sounded suspiciously like a can of cheap coffee mints, the kind the drunks chew on when they go back to work after a liquid lunch at the dirty little pub on the edge of town. Stephen’s pub.

    Bugs laughed and turned to Encyclopedia. “It looks like I won’t be getting beat up by a girl this time,” he chuckled, chambering another round of buck shot as he took aim at Encyclopedia’s face…

    Sep 11, 2007 at 1:20 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #32   Misheeâ„¢

    claw! you totally kill me!! how did this solve the Case of the Missing Mints though if E.B. wasn’t around to take everyone down? A pre-mailed letter to his dad? Please elaborate!

    Sep 11, 2007 at 1:26 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #33   Wade

    I think I have figured out most of the last part of the first note:

    ?? Boxes left, ashtrays dirty, litter in the garden, balcony untidy, cobwebs everywhere, dirty dishes left out overnight AND LOTS MORE.

    Garden? Balcony?

    I guess the well-rounded au statt, along with tending bar, must be well versed in landscaping and ushering.

    Sep 11, 2007 at 1:32 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #34   claw71

    The shotgun blast drew the attention of neighbors who called the cops. After a vengeful rampage by Encyclopedia’s father, who was taken down by the state cops after killing Bugs Meany, Will Wilford and the rest of the town hooligans, the stolen mints were discovered and returned to the rightful owner.

    The moral of this story: don’t fight crime unless you’re packing heat.

    Oh, and a side note: An autopsy done on Sally revealed that she was pregnant…WITH BUGS MEANY’S BABY!!!

    Sep 11, 2007 at 1:33 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #35   TL

    Stephen, the tin is up! No, wait! Now it’s down! It’s up again! Down! Up! Down! Thanks, Terry.

    Sep 11, 2007 at 1:40 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #36   lauralaiwc

    wow, claw. just, wow. i dont know whether to laugh or cry and hide under a blanket.

    mishee, darlin, making such statements back at those “tosspots” furhter reinforces what they have said. youre just adding fuel to the fire, honey :)

    i worked for a boss like this but in an office, and he accused me of embezzeling company accounts which i had no access too. he was paranoid. he later apologized when he found a receipt for said amount of missin money on a receipt to a resturaunt he had taken the office to.

    therefore, i bet stephen eats the mints in his sleep.

    Sep 11, 2007 at 1:42 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #37   lauralaiwc

    haha, until i figured out what “Tin” really was in context of the rest of the note(s), i thought maybe it was some of that odd brittish slang for toilet lid.

    Sep 11, 2007 at 1:43 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #38   Sair

    Aw, Mish, shucks thanks! Am now racking my brains every day to think of more good Brit insults for you – think I excelled myself with tosspot earlier so that’s probably your lot for today…

    Claw, when you ring in sick to go round and shag the boss’ wife, do you take her a box of coffee mints?

    Sep 11, 2007 at 1:57 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #39   Misheeâ„¢

    No claw probably offers her a tin of biscuits after he wines and dines her with some bangers and mash….

    Cheerio!

    Sep 11, 2007 at 2:03 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #40   lauralaiwc

    if he does take her coffee mints, i wonder where he leaves them to hide the scent…

    Sep 11, 2007 at 2:08 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #41   lauralaiwc

    yah. i went there.

    Sep 11, 2007 at 2:14 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #42   claw71

    Those mints are for me, after I leave. I don’t want to wander around town all day with muff breath.

    I think the best British insult is wanker, but we Americans rarely enunciate it properly. It’s got to be WAHN’ kah if it’s going to count. And if you really been business modify it with the traditional “bloody.”

    I also like to see it used in that bubbly queen’s English you might associate with Mary Poppins. Think of Julie Andrews saying the following in her musically impeccable British accent:

    “I say child, are you a wanker? Do you like to toss off in the loo? Why don’t you show me? Go on, now. Reach down and give yourself a proper wank. That’s it. My you’re a big boy, aren’t you? Keep wanking. That’s it. Delightful, wasn’t it? Never mind that, I’ll clean it up straight away. Now go fetch me Stephen’s mints, and for the queen’s sake, leave the tin down. Be sure to keep the area neat and tidy. La, la, la!”

    Sep 11, 2007 at 2:22 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #43   lauralaiwc

    *shudders* i would find it kinda funny if it werent for the thought of “child”.

    i see how you are, you leave her with the gold coffee lids whilst you run amuck with the edible goods.

    Sep 11, 2007 at 2:41 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #44   claw71

    Sorry for the creepy moment but I was playing out a personal fantasy. If it makes you feel any better imagine that “child” refers to a young lad who is of the age of consent. In the UK that might be 12.

    Sep 11, 2007 at 2:45 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #45   lauralaiwc

    yuck 2x. in texas its 17, somehow thats not as bad. but being over the age 0f 20, i still cant bring myself to do it.

    you have a personal fantasy of brittish nanies watching children (of consent age, of course) wack off?

    Sep 11, 2007 at 2:49 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #46   zsa

    “My dear… I know Stephen wont let you even touch those gold coffee lids, but I am your knight in shining gold armor!!! Please, touch the gold lids… stroke them… and keep them as a momento”

    Sep 11, 2007 at 2:51 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #47   zsa

    Or is it just Mary Poppins/ Julie Andrews? Still a bit creepy any way you look at it.

    Sep 11, 2007 at 2:53 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #48   lauralaiwc

    lets just hope you wash them before you stick them back on the shelf, zsa!

    Sep 11, 2007 at 2:55 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #49   lauralaiwc

    i know. i cant get the short-haired sound of music nun image out of my head though.

    Sep 11, 2007 at 2:56 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #50   lauralaiwc

    “you are 16, going on seventeen…”

    almost legal!

    Sep 11, 2007 at 3:00 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #51   Misheeâ„¢

    Why pick on Stephen wanting to keep the lids? Perhaps he is going on an Urban Legend much like the tootsie pop wrapper story that if he collects a certain amount of coffee lids he gets a free pound of coffee… or maybe he is recycling??

    Sep 11, 2007 at 3:01 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #52   claw71

    The fantasy is of a British nanny watching ME, wank away on the trouser tea biscuit. Jeez! What do you think I am, some kind of sicko?

    Sep 11, 2007 at 3:07 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #53   lauralaiwc

    i wouldnt want to drink out of a recycled coffee lid. those things are typically meant to be disposable. if they are the kind of lid i am thinking.

    ESPECIALLY if claw got his, erm…hands…on them…

    Sep 11, 2007 at 3:09 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #54   lauralaiwc

    i prefer biscotti to tea biscuts myself.

    Sep 11, 2007 at 3:10 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #55   Anna-banana

    Encyclopedia Brown has solved the REAL case of the missing mints….in Claw’s gullet after cleansing his muff-breath from an afternoon shagging the boss’ wife.

    And the mints weren’t stolen from Stephen’s pub, but rather from the employee communal fridge-after the 45 min rule.

    Case closed.

    That boss’s wife was F-ing delicious.

    Sep 11, 2007 at 3:17 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #56   lauralaiwc

    how delicious could she have been if a gullet-full of mints was required afterwords?

    Sep 11, 2007 at 3:21 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #57   dawn

    I have not laughed so long and loudly at work in a long time. Claw, that Encyclopedia Brown writeup was brillant. Between that and the “Bad” parody in the other thread, I’m cracking up over here.

    Sep 11, 2007 at 3:36 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #58   claw71

    Look I love garlic bread but that doesn’t mean I want to go around smelling like it all day. The same goes for dining at the “Y”.

    Sep 11, 2007 at 3:53 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #59   GhostWriter

    I was about to make my obligatory comment that the Claw went too far again, substituting violence and porn for true wit, but the results are in, and it’s a hit all around, so I won’t.

    …but they really are known as after-coffee mints. Coffee mints would make your breath smell like coffee, the same way that dog biscuits make your breath smell like, umm.. oh, never mind.

    Sep 11, 2007 at 3:58 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #60   claw71

    A song, to the tune of “My Baby Just Wrote me a Letter”

    I left the stupid tin down just yesterday, now the boss may dock my stinking pay
    Coffee mints are gone, cleaning work ain’t done, Stephen just scribbled a letter.

    Someone took all the golden coffee lids, could have sworn it was the soccer kids
    Coffee mints are gone, cleaning work ain’t done, Stephen just scribbled a letter.

    Well he scribbled a letter said we better keep this area neat and clean
    Can’t call in sick, we owe it to the pub, why is Stephen so mean?

    Everyday, Yeah.

    Sep 11, 2007 at 4:06 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #61   claw71

    GW:

    Not to cast aspersions but you strike me as one of those old Jewish comics hanging out at the friars club telling the young stars not to go blue. “Never go blue kid, it’s not classy.”

    Or perhaps you’re the Bill Cosby to my Richard Pryor. Except I’m not very funny. Of course there’s a joke in there. Bill Cosby+pudding pops+ Richard (Dick) = gold. Jerry, I tell ya, it’s gold.

    Think of my violence laden parody of EB as a satire of modern society with a gen-x pop culture reference. That spoon full of sugar will help the medicine go down.

    Sep 11, 2007 at 4:13 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #62   GhostWriter

    I love the song!

    But you need to add “after-” as a prefix to each mention of coffee mints.

    Sep 11, 2007 at 4:13 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #63   Oveta

    [quote]#42 lauralaiwc on Sep 11, 2007 at 1:42 pm

    mishee, darlin, making such statements back at those “tosspots” furhter reinforces what they have said. youre just adding fuel to the fire, honey [/quote]
    You think she doesnt know that?

    Sep 11, 2007 at 4:13 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #64   Misheeâ„¢

    GW, I think claw is still calling them coffee mints just to see how many times he can get you to post with a correction.

    Pay attention claw! It’s AFTER- coffee mints!!

    Sep 11, 2007 at 4:15 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #65   GhostWriter

    PS: I love the characterization of Buddy Young “Mr. Saturday Night” so much that I am contemplating sticking with it for a bit.

    And yes, I do have a choice.

    After much thought, I’m certain the sole reason it hasn’t caught on yet is that I forgot to bold the full label of after-coffee mints.

    Sep 11, 2007 at 4:22 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #66   lauralaiwc

    oveta, that was so five minutes ago ;)
    aparently not because it keeps happening.

    lets bury this topic, i wish to not discuss it.

    im so hungry right now.

    Sep 11, 2007 at 4:22 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #67   claw71

    Stephen didn’t call them “after” coffee mints, did he? He’s been so specific I can only assume that he means coffee mints. I don’t want to cross him.

    Sep 11, 2007 at 4:24 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #68   Sair

    Over here we call them after dinner mints, but you do actually have them with coffee.

    Confused? Jolly good!

    Claw, I’m at once both in awe and appalled with your Mary Poppins/Julie Andrews story – don’t you know she’s second to like, the Queen in this country’s affections?! But jolly well done on the Brit-speak, you hit that nail just tip-top on the head there old fellow!

    And Anna-banana – ‘That boss’s wife was F-ing delicious’? You’re today’s official PAN hero for that one…

    Sep 11, 2007 at 4:33 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #69   GhostWriter

    Yaa- well you Anglo-types have no problem crossing the Jews! I AM REMINDED of the time you crossed good ol’ what’s-his-name, oh yeah- JESUS.

    I’m not sure this is gonna play in Vegas…

    Sep 11, 2007 at 4:39 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #70   Anna-banana

    I try.

    Usually I’m lame. But, I was pretty proud of myself for that little gem! (uh-oh I’m getting Mishee-like with the self-kudos. put my eyes out with a burning stake!)

    But, really, thanks for the recognition, Sair :)

    Sep 11, 2007 at 4:40 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #71   GhostWriter

    Yaa- don’t knock the self-kudos, sister. I played a club in the Poconos once where they were the only kind of kudos ya get. Talk about a dead audience- they walked in with toe tags!

    is this thing on?

    Sep 11, 2007 at 4:59 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #72   Misheeâ„¢

    Anna, you do know that statements like
    “(uh-oh I’m getting Mishee-like with the self-kudos. put my eyes out with a burning stake!)” make Baby Jebus cry.

    Sep 11, 2007 at 5:19 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #73   GhostWriter

    Yaa- Ya know what else makes baby Jesus cry? Those clouds of Frankincense smoke in the manger! He’s gonna grow up thinking he’s Rasta, I tell ya.

    …but enough about Jesus…

    Sep 11, 2007 at 5:27 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #74   Misheeâ„¢

    There’s not one thing wrong with a smoke filled manger!! Ja mon!!

    …but enough about what I did at lunch…

    Sep 11, 2007 at 5:33 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #75   lauralaiwc

    you know what else does?

    italics. lots and lots of italics.

    Sep 11, 2007 at 5:33 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #76   zsa

    Oh my GW… I almost wet my pants with that Buddy Young impression! Baby Jesus is laughing his loincloth off!

    Sep 11, 2007 at 5:57 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #77   GVI

    Team comedy for Jesus!

    Sep 11, 2007 at 6:04 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #78   Misheeâ„¢

    I wonder if, when things get rowdy at the pub (like they seem to do in all the movies that take place in a pub that I’ve seen), does Stephen call the Sheriff of Nottingham?? (sorry, had to go for the bad Robin Hood joke)

    Sep 11, 2007 at 6:14 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #79   claw71

    Jesus never wore a loin cloth but Tarzan did. I have to tell you I think I’d rather have Tarzan as a savior. Sure water into wine is cool…I do like to drink… but did Jesus talk to apes? Sure he walked on water but Tarzan could swing on vines and if he was in a pinch he could call up a couple of eagles and have them carry him to safety.

    Apples to apples, I’ll take Tarzan in a loin cloth over Jesus in swaddling clothes every time.

    BTW, SpookScribe, love the Buddy Young/Hacket routine. Spot on stuff.

    Sep 11, 2007 at 6:22 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #80   zsa

    see that is what I get for not just calling it a diaper. Baby Jesus is laughing his ass off.

    Sep 11, 2007 at 6:32 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #81   Dave9

    Thank you GhostWriter and Sair, for clarifying the true nature of the mints. I was quite confused.

    Sep 11, 2007 at 6:46 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #82   Laurie

    Passive-aggressiveness is much more effective in British.

    Sep 11, 2007 at 7:29 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #83   GVI

    I totally agree, with all their proper sounding words and all. Oh hey Sair you forget about “minger”, “spanner” and “wasteman”.

    Sep 11, 2007 at 8:30 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #84   BoggyWoggy

    Read Mint Man (#33)
    He’s DAMN funny.
    He can say all that needs to be said in a single statement.
    CONSIDER THAT, Mishee.

    Sep 11, 2007 at 10:17 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #85   marla

    will: with the cunning use of flags.

    Sep 12, 2007 at 12:40 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #86   T-Bone

    Claw, I’ve decided I want to have your babies. Lots of them. We’ll be so happy, like two rotten, acerbic peas in a pod! What say you?

    Erm… you ARE a man, aren’t you?

    Sep 12, 2007 at 10:40 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #87   claw71

    Of course I’m a man, and when I’m swinging through the jungle I don’t wear a loin cloth.

    Acerbic peas, eh? Sounds tasty.

    Sep 12, 2007 at 10:57 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #88   Misheeâ„¢

    #91 Marla – gave me a chuckle… made me think of Church of England myself… “Cake or death!!?”

    Sep 12, 2007 at 11:10 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #89   zsa

    Let them eat MINTS
    Thank you Terry

    Sep 12, 2007 at 11:27 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #90   lauralaiwc

    wait wait wait wait…until i see some eagles, claw, i am not willing to call you a savior!!!

    Sep 12, 2007 at 11:35 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #91   claw71

    Lauralai, if you saw me swinging through the jungle in the buff you’d change your tune. That’s not an albino python, you know.

    Sep 12, 2007 at 11:46 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #92   zsa

    Oh GOD~ where is the steel wool to scrub THAT visual out of my brain

    Sep 12, 2007 at 11:54 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #93   lauralaiwc

    ok, you got me, i would change my tune.

    from a definate maybe to a no no no!

    :)

    Sep 12, 2007 at 12:11 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #94   ALA

    Please excuse me while I go poke out my mind’s eye (after reading #97).

    Sep 12, 2007 at 1:26 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #95   ALA

    Yeah, you say than now… ;)

    Sep 12, 2007 at 1:44 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #96   Anna-banana

    true Mishee. You’ve never had Claw’s albino python. Or have you? Hmmmmm……

    I’d take Tarzan, too. And don’t forget, he had Jane. (Behind every great man, there’s an even greater woman, or whatever the saying went).

    #92-93:

    Two acerbic peas in a pod. Frolicing in the garden with the tomatoes (from an earlier Claw post—but I’m too lazy to look it up.)

    And even better: frolicing in Boggy’s garden!!!

    Sep 12, 2007 at 2:50 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #97   claw71

    Acerbic peas don’t frolic. Acerbic peas sit in their pod high up on the vine and criticize all of the other plants.

    Let’s just say that if I were Tarzan I would have been behind Jane. You know what I’m talking about.

    Sep 12, 2007 at 3:35 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #98   T-Bone

    Claw:

    I’ll be your Jane, Python-Boy.

    Sep 12, 2007 at 4:20 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #99   claw71

    T-bone:

    I’ve clicked your link and understand you live in the Rockies. It can get a bit brisk up there and, well…you’ve heard of shrinkage, right?

    Also, I probably should have specified that the python in question might have been one of those pygmie pythons they have in Borneo.

    I’m only saying because if acerbic peas don’t need to waste time sniping at each other when so many others have it coming.

    Sep 12, 2007 at 4:32 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #100   marla

    Misheeâ„¢: the explorers taped notes to doors wherever they went.
    No Flag, No Country.
    That’s the rule.
    -the British Empire
    (thanks Terry)

    Sep 12, 2007 at 4:34 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #101   T-Bone

    Yes I live in the Rockies, but we do go indoors on occasion. Shrinkage is not an issue once inside. Er… indoors. Yeah.

    Sep 12, 2007 at 4:48 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #102   Misheeâ„¢

    Marla #108 – Do you have a gun on loan from the NRA to back it up?

    Sep 12, 2007 at 5:17 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #103   GVI

    :| wow, i do not even know what to say.

    Sep 12, 2007 at 6:14 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #104   BoggyWoggy

    Hey, I don’t allow any frolicking in my garden. Licking is nasty.

    Sep 13, 2007 at 7:05 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #105   BoggyWoggy

    However, going back to these horrid notes:
    Consider this:
    If one is to tell the owner when the “tin is down or up,” wouldn’t it make sense to always have a little side stash? If the tin (which I assume is a till) is up, take out the excess. Hide it. Then, when the tin is down, replace it.
    In regards to the boss, “kick ‘em when they’re up, kick’em when they’re down…” as the song goes.

    Sep 13, 2007 at 7:09 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #106   Nanna

    Stephen is a dick.

    The staff should do their jobs.

    Stephen is still a dick.

    I have been away too long.

    Sep 15, 2007 at 5:24 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #107   Nanna

    I missed you guys!

    Sep 15, 2007 at 5:24 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #108   Anna-banana

    Sorry, Boggy. Seemed funny at the time…

    PETBG (variation of PETA): People for the Ethical Treatment of Boggy’s Garden has released an “official” announcement:

    At no time was actual harm done to Boggy’s garden in the making of these posts.

    Sep 15, 2007 at 7:11 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #109   not a kid

    “Georgie, there are plenty of ways to get the same message across without sounding like you are degrading your own employees and treating them like three year olds. ..”

    here’s another one: “I’ve always found it a little unreasonable for any employer to expect their minimum-wage employees to take their job that seriously.

    Especially when they are talked to like naught 5 year olds. “You must expect consequences.” Like what? Gonna fire me? Good luck getting anyone else to work this crappy job.”

    I see it happens on the other side of the pond as well. On average, legal domestic minimum wage workers aren’t the cream of the crop for various reasons, and have an even worse work ethic. Illegals work harder because they know the world doesn’t owe them anything.

    Many today think the world owes them something for farting let alone doing “work”. We live in a youth centric culture, and what that means is that ignorance and immaturity are rewarded. Look at film and TV (in the US at least) and how the age of “stars” keeps going down, pretty soon they will be in diapers. People are “old” by the time they hit middle age now, yet we all live longer. Hmm.

    The fact is that *if* these “kids” are getting paid for their time, they need to *do* their shitty minimum wage job *they* asked to have… without complaint. Everyone knows it sucks, it’s the nature of the beast. Stealing from the register or inventory, not doing their job tasks properly, doesn’t qualify them for praise or even respect. It’s irrelevant if the manager isn’t mom’s favorite. It’s not rocket science to wash your hands, not steal, show up on time etc. Still managers need skills to manage properly I agree. Hiring and firing is a time consuming process, especially if you want to find someone who can wipe their ass and not think it’s dinner time. Employers have a tough time in today’s legal and social climate.

    That said, this guy could be an ass of a manager and/or human being, but I’ve been less than impressed with *any* low wage food service help I’ve seen (from behind the scenes) in years. Minimum wage food service workers (especially the younger ones) just don’t give a shit about what it takes to keep afloat let alone prosper in these ventures. Instead, they act like they are brought up, which is sadly not saying much. People forgot how to cook their own fucking food so they go to quick and easy hash houses for basic sustenance, then they bitch about the: price, service, quality etc. The business trends are pretty clear, restaurants are the most expensive way to eat, yet more keep opening, and more and more to satiate the endless demand for those that don’t want to go to the grocery store. Eliminate 80% of all restaurants and you would still have plenty, if society actually knew how to boil water. Sorry, I digress.

    Simply put, a minimum wage worker typically should get paid for their time, and shut up and just do whatever their job requires (not fucking the boss or business in any manner, literally or figuratively).

    If the boss is terrible, they can always quit of course, it’s not a prison after all, but that doesn’t mean the boss owes them anything but a wage for their time, and their time spent to serve the business properly, not fuck off in whatever way they please.

    There is a moral issue here, do the job you were hired to do as if you were the one paying the bills. Renting another’s property is the same; treat the house as if it were in your own family, don’t trash it. Sure, one can blame the landlord for having warts and take it out on the property (shit where you eat etc), but *you* get the chance to inspect the house, neighborhood and even neighbors before *you* go in. “you” is a generic you of course, not you!

    Taking personal responsibility, it’s a good thing despite what the lawyers want since they always want to blame everyone else.

    Sep 16, 2007 at 4:51 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #109.1   Josh

      BORING. Learn to be concise ‘not a kid’

      Dec 31, 2007 at 11:48 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #109.2   un-earthed lurker

      Why assume that the employees were stealing? The till where I work is often a little over or under what it should be, due to mistakes giving change, entering orders etc, which are to an extent unavoidable in a busy bar environment. It dickish of the boss to jump to conclusions – most pubs worth their salt have cctv behind the bar for fuck’s sake, even minimum wagers aren’t that thick.

      Nov 27, 2008 at 3:37 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #110   poed

    The “do not eat the coffee mints” sign really should be posted above the urinal for maximum impact, in much the same manner that a condom machine is required to display the warning “this chewing gum tastes funny”

    Mar 5, 2009 at 5:48 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     

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