“you know when you drink so much that you can’t remember what you did the night before?” asks our anonymous scottish pizza bandit. “sometimes we’re lucky enough to encounter certain things which trigger memories of our alcohol-fueled rampage. i was lucky enough to come across this the next day.”
reddit!
stumble it!
126 responses so far ↓
#1 Dave Ward
That pizza your mum bought you was fucking delicious.
Sep 24, 2007 at 2:34 am rating: 0
#2 tellos
domino’s… delicious???
Sep 24, 2007 at 3:11 am rating: 0
#3 ahmeen
“but I will still kill you”
That is priceless!
Yet, I agree with tellos (#2) …domino’s???
Sep 24, 2007 at 3:40 am rating: 0
#4 ian
soooo p-a. String him along with a little story and then WHAM - I will still kill you.
Sep 24, 2007 at 4:11 am rating: 0
#5 marla
He must have been really drunk to want to eat two slices of pizza that his roommate had already eaten, regurgitated, and put back in the fridge.
Sep 24, 2007 at 4:50 am rating: 0
#6 Alison
I’d have thanked him/her for eating that nasty Domino’s pizza. That crap tastes like cardboard.
And what is she bitching for? Mommy paid for it anyway…not like she lost any money.
Team Drunken Pizza Snatcher
Sep 24, 2007 at 7:40 am rating: 0
#7 Andy
*peers at Dave* You know, I’d think that you had stated that the ‘fucking delicious’ phrase was being overused, so you could just break it out first.
That’s an awesome note. The only thing that is a bit confusing is the first paragraph. Did he imply that the two alleged stolen pieces he had enjoyed already, and was looking forward to enjoying again?
Gross.
I’ll also third Tellos — Dominos = delicious? Not so much. You need some better pizza places in Scotland, then.
The “I’ll kill you” is the nice icing to the cake, though. Yay!
Sep 24, 2007 at 7:48 am rating: 0
#8 Andy
Whoops. Sorry Marla, I see I stole your bit about the enjoying slices twice. Where’s my coffee?
Sep 24, 2007 at 7:49 am rating: 0
#9 lola
the note SHOULD have read:
“Thank you, pizza thief, for saving me from eating reheated pizza-flavored cardboard.”
Sep 24, 2007 at 8:12 am rating: 0
#10 nate
Awww, his mom bought him that pizza.
Go whine to your mom, momma’s boy.
Sep 24, 2007 at 8:13 am rating: 0
#11 lola
and I also wonder if this guy is Catholic. he seems to be heaping the guilt on awefully thick for a couple slices of pizza
guilt is something Catholics live for!
Sep 24, 2007 at 8:14 am rating: 0
#12 Izzy
He should have got the pizza from Pizza Hut. Much nicer! But his mum did buy it for him, so maybe that’s why Dominoes. I hope I don’t know this guy!
Sep 24, 2007 at 8:23 am rating: 0
#13 Team Cassandra
Its not British spelling but dintcha know that Scots can spell things any damn way they choose?
And this story is such a nice way to start the day when your hungover so much better than one of my past roommates who stomped around the house yelling: “ARRRGHH! MY PIZZA! WHO ATE MY FUCKING PIZZA! WHEN I FIND OUT WHO ATE THAT PIZZA…”
I didn’t eat it but I did get drunk with the roomie who did (and I TOLD him not to but he thought I was funny) and would have much preferred a quiet, threatening note to the rude awakening I got that day.
Sep 24, 2007 at 8:30 am rating: 0
#14 lola
Even Jesus might’ve eaten the pizza if he got drunk enough. But I bet he would have turned it into something edible first.
Sep 24, 2007 at 8:33 am rating: 0
#15 the comment police
This is good. Now can all the dullards who have ruined every thread for the last month with their inane drivel just fuck off please?
Thanks, Terry
BWAAAHAAHAAAHAHHAAHA ROTFLMAO!!!!!!11111111!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111111
Sep 24, 2007 at 8:39 am rating: 0
#16 bethany
that last line really makes this one a classic. I hope I never die because of mediocre takeout pizza.
Sep 24, 2007 at 9:01 am rating: 0
#17 Goldie
So the Scottish for “munchies” is “dire hunger”?
Sep 24, 2007 at 9:02 am rating: 0
#18 BoggyWoggy
RED RUM…
RED RUM…
RED RUM…
I can just see this person walking through the house, smelling everyone’s breath…chanting and panting…
Sep 24, 2007 at 9:19 am rating: 0
#19 Wade
BW
or
O NI MOD…
O NI MOD…
O NI MOD…
Sep 24, 2007 at 9:29 am rating: 0
#20 robins
DEAR “THEIF”, you handwriting looks that of a girl’s. SUCK IT WRITERS
Sep 24, 2007 at 9:30 am rating: 0
#21 Marissa
Craig has a lot to learn. Just casually inquire as to who ate it, appear to think that it’s all a joke and no big deal, and then quietly murder them in their sleep once you find out.
Nobody appreciates subtlety anymore.
Sep 24, 2007 at 9:31 am rating: 0
#22 GhostWriter
Think how much better the note will seem, when we hear that Craig actually does kill the Pizza Theif.
“Pizza Theif” - that’s not a bad name for a restaurant.
Sep 24, 2007 at 9:33 am rating: 0
#23 GhostWriter
…and Kudos to the PAN God, for removing the top-5 comment tracker (stirring up trouble)!
Me hopes this might lessen the posting-for-posting’s-sake competitions.
Sep 24, 2007 at 9:42 am rating: 0
#24 ShagNBag
#14 - Jesus ate my pizza!
Sep 24, 2007 at 9:45 am rating: 0
#25 T-Bone
GW– it sure seems to be working so far, doesn’t it? What a relief.
Today’s note– truly P.A. Hooray!
Sep 24, 2007 at 9:45 am rating: 0
#26 anna-banana
GW…if said ‘Theif’ is found to be murdered….at least he’d been warned beforehand! Maybe had enough time to get his affairs in order.
Reminds me of the kitty giblets can thief & the wish for kitty to choke on it….same vein, ya know?
Hmmmm….maybe the kitty-food UPS orderer has a mom in Scotland & he went there on a visit…and she bought him Dominoes’…and someone snatched THAT, too!?!
Boy, I’m with Wade…need some coffee!
Sep 24, 2007 at 9:47 am rating: 0
#27 Talea
Passive, passive, passive……DEATH THREAT! I love it!
Sep 24, 2007 at 9:50 am rating: 0
#28 lauralaiwc
craigs handwriting is fucking gourmet.
i bet this is the same guy whos mommy wrote from iowa. mommas boy. and then he ran away to scottland.
Sep 24, 2007 at 9:53 am rating: 0
#29 Wade
the pizza bandit never actually says said slices was eaten…
Maybe Craig should check the compost pile.
Sep 24, 2007 at 9:54 am rating: 0
#30 Wade
were eaten…more coffee!!
Sep 24, 2007 at 9:56 am rating: 0
#31 lauralaiwc
ugh…i need coffee.
and some medicine. someone make my nose stop running.
Sep 24, 2007 at 10:01 am rating: 0
#32 Sharona
“Dear Craig,
It’s OK, your mum said I could have the pizza. I truly was in dire hunger after the workout she gave me. But suffice it to say, a Domino’s pizza has never been enjoyed so much, by so many people, in so many ways.
you and what army,
Not a Theif”
Sep 24, 2007 at 10:20 am rating: 0
#33 lauralaiwc
lmao! sharona, that rocks. i applaud you.
Sep 24, 2007 at 10:34 am rating: 0
#34 William
I have eaten
the pizza
that was in
the icebox
and which
you were probably
saving
for breakfast
Forgive me
it was delicious
so cheesy
and so cold
Sep 24, 2007 at 10:34 am rating: 0
#35 Melissa
But he cleaned the plate! So, he’s not a totally horrible person!
Sep 24, 2007 at 10:58 am rating: 0
#36 Andy
Beautiful, William! A Billy Collins reference woven into a Scottish Domino’s Pizza theft, that’s a great skill.
Sep 24, 2007 at 11:05 am rating: 0
#37 claw71
Seriously, I do appreciate the fact that you cleaned the plate and I’m not unsympathetic to your dire hunger, but you did eat my pizza and since it was purchased by my mother I have no choice but to kill you. That’s the way it’s got to be.
Sep 24, 2007 at 11:08 am rating: 0
#38 morpho aurora
a hangover on top of greasy, already-been-enjoyed-once, Domino’s pizza?
death would have been welcomed with open arms. sounds like the pregnant lady whose food disappeared from the office had relatives in scotland.
Sep 24, 2007 at 11:09 am rating: 0
#39 Phil
You have no idea how much we have to pay for Domino’s in Britain… it’s the equivalent of $25-30 a pizza, I’d be pissed off aswell!
Sep 24, 2007 at 11:11 am rating: 0
#40 WanderingPenguin
I was all set to write, “Dear Craig: The pizza wasn’t actually all that delicious, but at least it tasted better than YOUR MOM.”
But then I saw Sharona’s note.
Damn. I need to check this site earlier in the day.
BTW, I wonder what was on the “side plate”? I sure hope it was some of that Outback bread!
Sep 24, 2007 at 11:11 am rating: 0
#41 lola
Phil - I hope it tastes better there for that price!
Sep 24, 2007 at 11:13 am rating: 0
#42 bethany
Andy: I believe it is a William Carlos Williams reference. Equally elegant regardless of source.
Sep 24, 2007 at 11:26 am rating: 0
#43 tweedle
Forgive me, Andy (#36, unpunctuated) Isn’t that a William Carlos Williams borrowing? The cold plums one?
I think Craig was being sarcastic about the ‘cleaned’ side plate, by the way. Is that some Scot-ism for drainboard? Covered in crumbs?
Sep 24, 2007 at 11:30 am rating: 0
#44 zsa
Elementary, My dear Craig~
Jesus made the wine that got me drunk and gave me the munchies. Therefore- Jesus WANTED me to eat your pizza. But he did cry a little when I was nice enough to wash the plate.
Next time, better protect it with the blood of prior pizza theifs (or a note from Momma)
Sep 24, 2007 at 11:33 am rating: 0
#45 zsa
I can just see the next note in this series-
“My Momma bought this pizza and she will KILL you if you eat it before her Darling Baby Boy does”
Sep 24, 2007 at 11:35 am rating: 0
#46 Andy
Yep, tweedle, you’re right. I guess that’s what happens when I get all my poetry from NPR.
Sep 24, 2007 at 11:36 am rating: 0
#47 anna-banana
Good one, Zsa.
Hugs for Jesus.
I think it was Claw…or his zombie-clone (or groupie?) who followed the 45 min rule & stole it.
Sep 24, 2007 at 11:41 am rating: 0
#48 Fraulein N
Maybe Domino’s pizza tastes better once it’s already been enjoyed.
Sep 24, 2007 at 11:44 am rating: 0
#49 claw71
I can just see the doorway of the kitchen lined with the severed heads of thos who previously purloined pizza from Craig.
And while I do have the 45 minute rule I would never apply it to something with sentimental value. This pizza was purchased by Craig’s mother. It came from the heart.
Sep 24, 2007 at 11:48 am rating: 0
#50 Gadget
Pizza leading to homicide? Clearly pizza needs to be banned. If this was over a bowl of plain rice we would never have seen this note…..
Sep 24, 2007 at 11:51 am rating: 0
#51 claw71
What Craig doesn’t know is that the thief ate that pizza while Craig’s mom was giving him a reverse cowgirl.
Sep 24, 2007 at 11:52 am rating: 0
#52 anna-banana
Gadget…I think that you have forgotten about all of those starving kids in China?
Sep 24, 2007 at 11:56 am rating: 0
#53 claw71
It is Scotland, Gadget, they kill over soccer in that damned country. Soccer! And they eat haggis. I bet this pizza was topped with haggis and pickled beef tongue thus aggravating the criminal act. Sure, if it had been a sausage and mushroom pie the death sentence might be a bit severe but you top that pizza with haggis, tongue and a bit of worm cheese and that’s a hanging offense.
Sep 24, 2007 at 11:56 am rating: 0
#54 turrboenvy
I’m sorry your momma never bought you pizza as a kid! Steal hot pockets — It’s cooler.
Sep 24, 2007 at 11:57 am rating: 0
#55 lauralaiwc
claw, its futbol. get it right
if Pizza Thief stole the coffee mints, too, he won’t have to worry about the way anything that he ate off that plate tastes.
even craigs mom.
Sep 24, 2007 at 12:03 pm rating: 0
#56 Sea
But eat them with the silver handled spoon, the chemical coated glassware, and only the white enamel in/out boxes. period.
Sep 24, 2007 at 12:06 pm rating: 0
#57 anna-banana
http://www.thedenverchannel.com/news/14187801/detail.html
The ‘dire hunger pizza theif’….this guy in Denver must be the Yank equilavent…only grosser. Bites off ducks’ heads out of dire hunger.
I’d take the Dominoes’ Pizza mom stealer any day of this kook….
-shudders-
Sep 24, 2007 at 12:07 pm rating: 0
#58 anna-banana
I meant OVER this kook…damn, still haven’t gotten any coffee and it’s 9.10AM!!!!
Sep 24, 2007 at 12:09 pm rating: 0
#59 lauralaiwc
i dunno, maybe if he scooped it (you decide what i mean by “it”) with said spoon into beaker, thn serve it on the inbox like a tray.
but you have to put the gold coffee lids on the beakers.
Sep 24, 2007 at 12:14 pm rating: 0
#60 Jesus Christ
Drink, good servants of the Lord, but do not take unto yourself the pizza from Dominoes.
Go forth and steal hotpockets instead…
My will be done
Sep 24, 2007 at 12:33 pm rating: 0
#61 Inner Space
I don’t know why, but there’s something extra pathetic about the ‘my mom bought me that pizza’ line. Can’t you order your own damn pizza?!
Sep 24, 2007 at 12:39 pm rating: 0
#62 Wade
Apparantly, pizza side plates are very popular in the UK
http://item.express.ebay.co.uk/Home-Garden_Kitchen_Crockery-Tableware_Pizza-Photo-Print-Melamine-Side-Plate-8ins-BN_W0QQitemZ140159236789QQihZ004QQptdnZCrockeryQ20Q26Q20TablewareQQddnZHomeQ20Q26Q20GardenQQadnZKitchenQQptdiZ1831QQddiZ2150QQadiZ2197QQcmdZExpressItem
Sep 24, 2007 at 12:45 pm rating: 0
#63 Mishee
Melamine? That doesn’t sound very safe… I don’t know, it brings to mind “Lead Paint” for some reason…
Sep 24, 2007 at 12:50 pm rating: 0
#64 zsa
naw, Mishee~ melamine is the unbreakable stuff. Unlike glass beakers, it doesnt retain chemical residue
Sep 24, 2007 at 1:01 pm rating: 0
#65 Wade
Here’s what I found on a Scottish Domino’s menu:
“We’re currently offering the Domino’s Scrummy as our Guest Pizza. This is a great pizza comprising Pepperoni, Ham, Chorizo, Tandoori Chicken, Meatballs and Smoky Bacon, together with our Tomato Sauce and Mozzarella Cheese, all on our classic fresh-dough base.”
maybe mum was trying to kill craig, lol
Sep 24, 2007 at 1:10 pm rating: 0
#66 anna-banana
heartburn city
Sep 24, 2007 at 1:21 pm rating: 0
#67 Kristina
I think that needs a “less passive, more aggressive” tag on it.
Sep 24, 2007 at 1:22 pm rating: 0
#68 Katzndogz
If it had been a Domino’s crunchy thin crust pizza with pepperoni and mushrooms, I would have snatched it right out of mum’s hands and done it stone cold sober.
Sep 24, 2007 at 1:40 pm rating: 0