Market segmentation

September 25th, 2007 · 79 comments

From Jasmine in Georgia…

STAY OFF OUR PORCH!

FILED UNDER: excessive underlining · Georgia · kids · neighbors · not-so-veiled threats · rainbow-colored


79 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Alicia

    It took me a minute to figure out what a “Heisa” monster is.

    Sep 25, 2007 at 9:12 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

     
  • #2   Inner Space

    Hmmm, I don’t think that’ll work without a demonstration. Or at least a photo of the monster! You know, kids these days with their video games and skateboards and whatnot…

    Sep 25, 2007 at 9:12 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #3   T-Bone

    Where does the note-writer live that she can post a note on her front door to various parents and kids, hoping they’ll read it? Do they live at the local McDonald’s?

    That note isn’t going to change anything.

    Sep 25, 2007 at 9:22 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #4   sea bang

    Wow. How colorful.

    Sep 25, 2007 at 9:26 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #5   GhostWriter

    Do I count 8 (eight) font color changes in the 2nd note?

    …and if you look at the signature on the 1st note, it kinda looks like “the Crazies“, doesn’t it?

    Sep 25, 2007 at 9:28 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #6   WanderingPenguin bang

    I agree with Inner Space – perhaps a few scattered kiddy bones and some blood spatters on the outside walls will do the trick.

    Or perhaps this grumpy old toothless couple is actually having a problem with squirrels or raccoons? I mean, did they actually SEE the kids smear the mud and pile peanut shells – PEANUT shells? really?? – on their porch? If so, why didn’t they just stop them at that time?

    Also, the note to the kids is a bit too specific. What if they smear fecal matter instead of blood on their railings….or pour dirt OR peanut shells (but not both) on their porch? Will their “friend” still be as hungry?

    Sep 25, 2007 at 9:29 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #7   WanderingPenguin bang

    I mean instead of MUD on their railings. Wow – what was I thinking there?

    Sep 25, 2007 at 9:30 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #8   Denagh

    I wish there was a kid eating monster..I’de hire him for those little jerks who live down the street. And I am NOT a toothless old grump, lol…just some one who thinks parents should keep their kids under control..Go Team Crazies!

    Sep 25, 2007 at 9:34 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #9   nikga

    are the kids REALLY smearing “mud” on thier porch??? If up to this point it was only mud … well this note will result in real poop being smeared.

    Sep 25, 2007 at 9:35 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #10   Sair

    That potting soil, mud and peanut shells combo was fucking delicious…

    Yes, I got it first! Woooo!

    Sep 25, 2007 at 9:35 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #11   claw71

    I’d be dumping potting soil and peanut shells all over the porch hoping to catch a glimpse of that monster.

    Sep 25, 2007 at 9:36 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #12   Bucklehoneysuckle bang

    Those naughty kids were fucking delicious…

    Sep 25, 2007 at 9:45 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #13   Deluxx

    Team Kid-Eating-Monster. The kids on my street like to torment my dogs. Yesterday I watched one of the kids kick a cat. A monster could avenge the other creatures in the ‘hood…

    Sep 25, 2007 at 9:50 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #14   T-Bone

    Deluxx- the kids in your neighborhood need an old-fashioned ass-kick. That’s just awful. Does anyone in the nabe say or do anything about these kids abusing animals?

    Sep 25, 2007 at 9:59 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #15   anna-banana bang

    I’m with inner space & tbone: who says the little brats can EVEN read???

    Maybe they’re a pack of rabid 5-yr olds who can barely spell “the” much less their own names!

    Encyclopedia Brown!!! I’ve got it!!!!

    I think it’s zombie Claw…creating havoc around the globe….this was his latest prank after doing the boss’ wife & eating the coffee mints at the UK pub, pinching the pizza theif’s dominoes’, leaving hookah burns on the steps, taking a bite out of the pregger’s moldy sandwich (starving her unborn babe), and thank you, TERRY….at least he didn’t also leave the fat chef placemats on their porch….THAT would really have been a travesty.

    Sep 25, 2007 at 10:06 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #16   janey bang

    I thought #8 said that peanuts should keep their kids under control, lol.

    Sep 25, 2007 at 10:06 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #17   Heather

    Hmm. There’s an interesting cross out in that second note. Who was the note writer’s first choice to call? Ghostbusters?

    Sep 25, 2007 at 10:09 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #18   anon

    peanut shells? and potting soil? are kids these days into some sort of horticultural country-western tavern scene?

    Sep 25, 2007 at 10:27 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #19   Caclark4

    Team Nasty Monster!

    I just moved to my new apt and not only do I find cigarette butts and sunflower seed shells on my patio furniture all time (ewww) but everyone feels that walking the extra 2 feet to the walkway outside my patio is just too taxing.

    In addition, I have actually seen the children from the apt across from me walk up to my deck door and put their hands and faces on the glass (funny faces until I have to clean their spit off the glass). I’m almost to passive-aggressive note status myself.

    Sep 25, 2007 at 10:29 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #20   nerdabilly

    what neighborhood do these people live in, where kids run around eating peanuts and walking across neighbor’s porches? Is it 1930 where they live?

    Sep 25, 2007 at 10:31 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #21   Sazbot

    I love it!

    I’m going to imitate a monster all day.

    Sep 25, 2007 at 10:35 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #22   mere bang

    he he.. i was wondering what a ‘heisa’ was as well (to alicia-first comment). took me a moment to decipher.
    so… the first note is for the parents and the second note is for the kids.
    kids that smear mud and peanut shells.
    i’m pretty sure they can’t read.
    thanks, terry!

    Sep 25, 2007 at 10:36 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #23   Pockets bang

    I love that they only words written in brown are “mud” “dirt” and “peanut shells”.
    The color code really helped me figure out what they were.

    Sep 25, 2007 at 10:48 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #24   Wade bang

    It almost looks like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde:

    One note very passive

    One note VERY aggressive.

    Team HEISA Monster!

    Sep 25, 2007 at 10:49 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #25   Wade bang

    #20 nerdabilly in the ’30′s those kids would have been whipped at least twice…once by the neighbors and then by the parents, lol

    Sep 25, 2007 at 10:56 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #26   Pockets bang

    Heisa= He is a

    Sep 25, 2007 at 11:08 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #27   Olivia

    #12 Bucklehoneysuckle on Sep 25, 2007 at 9:45 am

    Those naughty kids were fucking delicious…

    ^^Yes, for the win.

    Sorry, Sair.

    Sep 25, 2007 at 11:13 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #28   Juliet

    Team nasty monster. My neighbours flick their cigarette butts off their porch on onto my car and the driveway generally. When I find any butts, especially those on my car, I throw them back up onto their porch. If they find using an ashtry is too hard, they can try finding their porch littered with their cigarette butts. How much of a dumbass do you have to be?

    Sep 25, 2007 at 11:19 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #29   Bucklehoneysuckle bang

    @ #28 Olivia

    Thank you, thank you. Hah. But…seriously…

    Fucking delicious.

    Sep 25, 2007 at 11:36 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #30   Huh?

    There isn’t a literate kid in the world who’s naive enough to fall for that kid-eating monster threat. It might work on toddlers, but they can’t read.

    Sep 25, 2007 at 11:55 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #31   Bucklehoneysuckle bang

    There’s no kid eating monster?? I’m confused now.

    Sep 25, 2007 at 12:04 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #32   ho!!y

    I love that it took only six comments before the hick jokes started.
    Man, I love stereotypes.

    Sep 25, 2007 at 12:06 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #33   ShagNBag

    I want to know who they were going to call before they crossed it out!

    Looks like ‘the’… probably ‘the police’.. but then … inspiration strikes! No, mud-smearing kids these days aren’t scared of the police. Deviant kids really respond well to made-up threats and taunting! That’ll show them!

    Someone should have gotten a picture of the porch the day after that note went up.

    Sep 25, 2007 at 12:11 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #34   ALA

    Ho!!y, did I miss a hick joke? WTF? Did anyone get that reference?

    Sep 25, 2007 at 12:21 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #35   claw71

    When kids cause trouble around my house I run out into the yard buck naked and throw pennies at them.

    Sep 25, 2007 at 12:24 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #36   Wade bang

    ALA – all I can figure is in Holly-world, toothless & grumpy = hick.

    Sep 25, 2007 at 12:33 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #37   GhostWriter

    “Excuse me, Miss- I’m Officer McMurphy; can I ask you a few questions about the incident?”

    “Of course, Officer, I’m just a caring daycarer with nothing to hide!”

    “I see, well, are you still claiming that you saw and heard nothing?”

    “Oh yes- whomever did this was very quiet…”

    “You’re telling me that you didn’t notice three children being disemboweled last evening, right in front of your porch?”

    “No, no, I didn’t hear a thing- I just came out this morning like I always do, and there they were!”

    “Witnesses across the street say that a small person in a monster mask was seen chasing the kids around the yard.”

    “Oh, well- that’s interesting…”

    “Do you own a monster mask, Miss?”

    “Oh no, well, I did, but it recently disappeared…”

    “Are those blood stains on your apron, Miss?”

    “What, this? Oh, I’m just whipping up a, umm… hunter’s stew, that’s all…”
    .
    .
    .
    “OK, Miss- we may be back…”

    Sep 25, 2007 at 12:39 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #38   T-Bone

    Well, the note is from GEORGIA, ya’ll.

    Ho!!y, what are you talking about? No one was stereotyping or making hick jokes. Help us out here. We want to be politically correct.

    Sep 25, 2007 at 12:43 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #39   Mishee bang

    T-Bone, there’s being politically correct and there’s realizing, like you said, that the note is from GEORGIA and there’s just no denying some things…!

    Sep 25, 2007 at 12:51 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #40   the sos

    i want a heisa monster. i’ll bet it looks like one of the beasts from Where the Wild Things Are…

    Sep 25, 2007 at 1:42 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #41   lauralaiwc bang

    ever time i see heisa i chuckle out loud, im geting some stragne looks from coworkers, but its just hysterical!

    seriously, what happens when these kids decide to call the crazy note leaver out by leaving more stuf fon the porch, because they know there isnt a monster? anytiome you threaten a kid, you gotta be able to follow through!!! i hope theyve saved some halloween makeup.

    i hope these are boiled peanut shells. thatll make it even MORE southern.

    Sep 25, 2007 at 1:51 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #42   ahmeen bang

    I would like to know what the adults did to make themselves the neighborhood targets. When I was a kid I didn’t just egg and tp at random, you know.

    Sep 25, 2007 at 1:58 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #43   Canthz_B bang

    It’s 2007…the monster is trashing the porch. They “The Crazies” need to call these scary kids to eat the monster.

    Sep 25, 2007 at 2:06 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #44   lauralaiwc bang

    maybe they just like the porch. sometimes kids just have active imaginations. now that theres a monster, they might HAVE to go there to beat it up or something.

    adults stooping to childlike behavior to frighten away children makes me lol.

    Sep 25, 2007 at 2:18 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #45   Jasmine

    I am the one who wrote this note. To clear a few things up..

    A) We live in an upstairs apartment and the kids GO OUT OF THEIR WAY to come up the stairs and dump stuff and smear mud on our porch. We are new to the neighborhood (was not born and raised in Georgia ;]) and therefore haven’t even had the chance to become hated in any way. o.0
    B) I know little kids can’t read, I was hoping one of the older ones would read it to them..
    C)We know it’s kids because we hear them running away, and they left the ziploc baggie when they dumped the peanuts. -_-
    D) We are 22 and 23.
    E) No repercussion as of yet.
    F) My handwriting sucks.
    I wish I could just yell and throw cats at them but I never catch them in time.

    Sep 25, 2007 at 2:24 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #46   Canthz_B bang

    No mention of “My boyfriend or husband and I”.
    maybe this is a lesbian couple that have been targeted for that reason?…What do you think claw71? And others, of course.

    Sep 25, 2007 at 2:53 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #47   WanderingPenguin bang

    I love that ho!!y immediately assumed that I was making a “hick” comment. I said they were grumpy and old BEFORE I called them “toothless”. The lack of teeth is a double reference both to their being OLD and to their not having the balls to actually stop the kids themselves without the help of their made-up monster.

    Man, I love people who assume stereotypes when none are actually present.

    Loosen the chain, ho!!y, you’re wound a bit tight.

    Sep 25, 2007 at 2:55 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #48   WanderingPenguin bang

    Hang on, Jasmine – you have an upstairs apartment WITH A PORCH? How odd is that?

    ’round ’bout these parts we would call that a “balcony”. Or perhaps even a “deck”. That’s what makes language so much fun, though. :)

    A tip for you: if you DO ever throw cats at these kids, make sure their parents don’t know anybody in Iowa or your landlord is liable to get a very P/A note in a couple of weeks.

    Sep 25, 2007 at 3:01 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #49   Elaina

    how old are these children?!?!

    seriously though, I got a better idea (not that throwing cats or any other small furry claw bearing animal isn’t excellent….)

    but you could smear crisco on the top 2 steps of your stairs so when the lil bastards try to do it again you can hear them tumbling down the stairs. yay for my team! TEAM CRISCO!!!

    p.s. be careful when using your own steps ;o)

    Sep 25, 2007 at 3:02 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #50   Upstater

    Jasmine, nice Simpson’s reference.

    Sep 25, 2007 at 3:06 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #51   Canthz_B bang

    In the South isn’t that a “veranda”?

    Sep 25, 2007 at 3:07 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #52   Upstater

    …or Simpsons reference.

    Sep 25, 2007 at 3:08 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #53   Spreggels

    Seriously, the kids will probably stop bothering you if you just set fire to one of them.

    Sep 25, 2007 at 3:09 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #54   Canthz_B bang

    Crisco may be a hard clen-up, how about marbles instead?
    Watch out for the Aggies kids!

    Sep 25, 2007 at 3:10 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #55   Canthz_B bang

    Crisco may be a hard clean-up, how about marbles instead?
    Watch out for the Aggies kids!

    Sep 25, 2007 at 3:11 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #56   lauralaiwc bang

    what you out to do is loosen a stair a little bit that you know is there but these obnoxious kiddos DONT. that way they fall in and cant get out. hahah.

    Sep 25, 2007 at 3:17 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #57   Elaina

    Spreggles you just made me spit laughing.

    thanks

    seriously.

    Sep 25, 2007 at 3:23 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #58   mainmamason

    If these kids are too young to read why are they outside by themselves? I say find these little boogers and where they live then slap the snot out of their parents.

    Sep 25, 2007 at 3:43 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #59   will

    It’s about time somebody took those kids down a few notches.

    Sep 25, 2007 at 3:54 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #60   Mishee bang

    Spreggles #55 – that was just priceless… definitely a LMAO.

    Sep 25, 2007 at 3:57 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #61   lauralaiwc bang

    leave some rat poison in candy wrappers?

    label them “heisa”

    Sep 25, 2007 at 4:47 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #62   Lara

    I do like the combo of one passive note, one aggressive. No suggestions on the kids, except maybe putting a gate or something across the porch entrance.

    Sep 25, 2007 at 5:03 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #63   Lara

    Plus that’s a nice set of rainbow markers there.

    Sep 25, 2007 at 5:05 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #64   lola bang

    Jasmine – do you have kids, too, or do you keep a pack of markers on hand just in case you have to torment the asshole neighbor kids?

    Either way, love the use of caps, underlining, and color – reminiscent of that PA email…. you know the one.

    Sep 25, 2007 at 6:18 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #65   Andy bang

    I wonder if the markers were those cool smelling markers. That’d explain the crazier and crazier writing, as they’d sniff and sniff.

    Also, way to go with the constant stereotype of the kid-eating monster. Monsters all around the country live normal lives, contributing to the community, then you have someone like this taking advantage these gentle giants. Boo.

    Sep 25, 2007 at 7:12 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #66   Team Cassandra bang

    O. MY. GOD.

    They ACTUALLY made me work today! Gah!

    So now I’m tired, no less… but here’s what I’ve got:

    The Heisa Monster phenomenon is fucking delicious.

    The fucking delicious competition is pretty fucking delicious too.

    Really good alternate ideas, Jasmine, occur at #2, #6 (and I smell no hick there at all), #15 – because the fat chef placemats might actually work!, #37, #47 – but you know that, #51&#55 may work well together…
    #20 was a very good question at the time.
    #29 displays my favourite kind of passive aggression.
    #33 funny:)
    #48 what the hell? have you been watching porn all day? ( i jest.) but have you?
    Ghostwriter – you stuck today! But it made me wonder – are you using this place to write your next murder mystery by any chance?And also – what’s hunter’s stew?

    And me? I thought that a set of parents had put up the first note and then their adolescent daughter/son, having seen their pathetic attempt, went ahead and showed them how things get done.

    Sep 25, 2007 at 7:24 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #67   Canthz_B bang

    #48 responds…have you been privy to previouse posts by claw71? He could run a mile with this one and leave a trail of laughter, there is nothing pornographic about my post per se unless your mind is in the gutter.

    Sep 25, 2007 at 9:41 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #68   Canthz_B bang

    previous…I tend to add “e”‘s for some reason—e

    Sep 25, 2007 at 9:42 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #69   tweedle

    The Heisa monster has a name, people!

    …Terry, the patron saint of leavers of crazy notes on their own doors (known, weirdly enough, among the door-note leavers as the Heisa monster), thanks you for all of the suggestions: crisco, marbles, setting fire, cat-a-pulting, booby trapping stairs, naked with pennies…

    And Andy, bless your heart. Terry offers you his/her (don’t know; we’re still getting to know each-other) crazy door note blessings.

    (Anthony Grosso introduced us).

    Sep 26, 2007 at 1:46 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #70   sise bang

    RaWrRrrr
    HEISA MONSTER!

    Sep 26, 2007 at 3:27 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #71   Team Cassandra bang

    Canthz_B: Oops! You’re right – my bad.

    I’m all better now:)

    Sep 26, 2007 at 7:53 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #72   heisa

    i like that canthz_b’s response as #48 was post #69.

    Sep 26, 2007 at 8:13 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #73   GhostWriter

    Hunter’s Stew (n) – a nonspecific term used to describe a conglomeration of kill meat mixed in a kettle, heated for three hours, then…

    …oh what’s the use; if I have to explain it, the joke didn’t work. My theory is it got lost in translation due to an overuse of bold and italics.

    …and who cares anyway, Cassandra? I’m writing for Mishee, not you!

    Sep 26, 2007 at 9:04 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #74   BoggyWoggy

    Squirrels can’t read.
    Set up a hidden camera.
    When the squirrels approach your porch with a load of peanut shells, soil, and mud, blast them with the lazer gun!

    Sep 26, 2007 at 10:02 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #75   the sos

    fire breathing heisa monster. sets fire, cooks, and eats kids in one breath.

    Sep 26, 2007 at 10:08 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #76   Team Cassandra bang

    Thank you GW – That might explain the murder mystery thing but…

    Aw! I thought you were all here writing just for ME!

    Sep 26, 2007 at 11:30 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #77   GVI bang

    That Heisa Monster was fucking delicious.

    Team Crazies.

    Sep 28, 2007 at 4:20 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #78   Tech Guy

    To the tard that said that they saw 8 different “font color changes”… IT WAS WRITTEN WITH MARKER!!! YOU CAN’T HAVE FONT COLOR CHANGES, IF IT’S HAND-WRITTEN!!! Go, Team Unplug Yourself From Your Computer If You Think People Write In “Fonts”.

    Nov 27, 2008 at 8:43 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #79   No girls allowed | PassiveAggressiveNotes.com

    [...] related: No kids allowed! [...]

    Nov 17, 2011 at 6:41 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     

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