summer from decatur, georgia says she found this note “left on a car piously parked while attempting to attend mass on vacation” in galveston, texas.
stealing hot pockets is apparently not the only thing that jesus wouldn’t do.
but He took the wheel
September 27th, 2007 · 104 comments
reddit!
stumble it!
Tags: cincinatti · jesus · parking · texas · the lawn
104 responses so far ↓
#1 eh
team jesus- get off the lawn ASSHOLE
Sep 27, 2007 at 3:13 am
#2 Andy
Wow, way to break out the Golden Rule with that first note. Wouldn’t the Christian thing to do is share your grass with thy neighbor?
Okay, that second one is worth a chuckle, not PA, but hey.
That third one is funny, especially when you read the backstory. This is the PA style I can get behind — being a wiseass handing out bad (or illegal) parking justice. Heigh ho, Silver, and annoy! Whee!
Finally, I am assuming this is from the UK, gleaning from ‘tyre’ and ’sort it out’. I love that they have to point out the legality of the situation, and how selfish you are by putting you and others at risk. Bald Tyre Police to the rescue!
Jesus has enough going on to be concerned with bald tires, with all of the Hot Pockets being stolen and all.
Sep 27, 2007 at 3:15 am
#3 Katy
Team Jesus - all the way. Parking on someone’s lawn in order to attend church? That’s an original sin, right there.
Sep 27, 2007 at 4:19 am
#4 Nattie
That Jesus was fucking delicious…
Sep 27, 2007 at 5:30 am
#5 Toasty
Loving that the last one isn’t just a casual note scribbled on an old scrap of paper from their own car or whatever, but a proper spend-some-time-at-home-and-wang-it-in-one-of-those plastic-wallets-to-protect-it-from-our-crappy-British-weather effort. Lovely stuff. Pre-meditated PA notes are just so much more A.
Sep 27, 2007 at 6:04 am
#6 Toasty
Oh, and PS. In note two, I’m with team-bad-parking. “If you’re so Christian and feel my parking isn’t up to scratch, then forgive me.” (Nod to Bill Hicks…
).
Sep 27, 2007 at 6:08 am
#7 Alison
What Would Atheists Do?
Team Jeezus on the first one. Get the fuck off my lawn!
Maybe Jeezus can pay for a new set of rear tires…hmmmm? Or he could perform that water into wine trick and instead turn bald tires into new. I like that idea.
Sep 27, 2007 at 7:50 am
#8 Nerdyradiogirl
The person who wrote and left the note in Texas, was definately being passive. Normally you will get shot for obstructing ones lawn. Our lawns are our Holy ground.
Sep 27, 2007 at 7:58 am
#9 heisa
what would heisa do?
Sep 27, 2007 at 8:18 am
#10 anna-banana
Uh, Jesus wouldn’t park. They didn’t have cars way back then!!!
So, that’s just dumb.
And sorry to Joe (and everyone else) for this but: That parking space was fucking delicious!!!
Sep 27, 2007 at 8:23 am
#11 anna-banana
@#9-eat naughty little kids & THEN steal their parents parking space
Sep 27, 2007 at 8:25 am
#12 tessa
All I can say to this one is “Thank GOD I am a PAGAN”!!
Sep 27, 2007 at 8:27 am
#13 Team Cassandra
ok, Alison - that’s priceless - you are SO on the list:
“Team Jeezus on the first one. Get the fuck off my lawn!”
Sep 27, 2007 at 8:51 am
#14 Fraulein N
Team Bald Tyres, mostly because (as Toasty pointed out) it’s premeditated PA. Sorry, but that really is fucking delicious.
Sep 27, 2007 at 8:53 am
#15 Adam
Damn hicks… How hard is it to spell tire.
Sep 27, 2007 at 8:56 am
#16 HateStupidComments
What Would Scooby Do?
These are good notes…the type that make your skin crawl. One time I found a note on my minivan that said, “If you would park your car just a few inches further up, Asshole, I could have parked my car here, too.” As I took the note off of my windshield, I felt extremely paranoid and began looking around, trying to figure out if the note-writer was hiding nearby with a BB-Gun, just waiting to tag me. However, in my defense, when I had parked along the street, there was a car directly in front of me and I had actually moved forward enough to touch his/her bumper…
Grrrr…
This series of P-A notes have caused a flood of bad memories! Now I’ll have a horrid day. Jeez…I…must…kick…a…dog…
Sep 27, 2007 at 8:57 am
#17 Toasty
@Adam - quite hard by the looks of it.
Oh, and no damning of The Hicks.
Sep 27, 2007 at 8:58 am
#18 morpho aurora
team get the fuck off my lawn (or my parking space) i lived in an apartment where this was a problem we couldn’t leave on sunday mornings because we would come back and not be able to park. the members of the church across the street parked in front of our building. they would cuss you out if you asked them to move. i loved being called a fucking bitch by some “christian” on their way to sunday service. makes me glad i’m not one.
Sep 27, 2007 at 9:17 am
#19 dirty old lady
How mean, to leave a note like that on a car piously parked while attempting to attend mass! That poor car was probably having a hard enough time participating in mass, without people sticking notes on it.
Sep 27, 2007 at 9:18 am
#20 Heather
Actually, where WOULD Jesus park?
I love that sheet protectors were used in picture 4. It doesn’t have quite the finality of lamination, but it’s close.
Sep 27, 2007 at 9:19 am
#21 anna-banana
#16-I wrote that note on your minivan. Because you hate stupid comments
Sep 27, 2007 at 9:23 am
#22 Hey-Seuss
But Jesus is my co-pilot! He told me to park on the lawn.
Sep 27, 2007 at 9:28 am
#23 ShagNBag
Team Darwin.
Sep 27, 2007 at 9:29 am
#24 Jessica
When I got to the “Sort it out” on that ones about the tires, all I could think of was Tim Gunn saying “Make it work” on Project Runway - and I can totally see him writing that note. I love Tim Gunn by the way…
Sep 27, 2007 at 9:35 am
#25 Inner Space
She may be right, but the sanctimonious way that first note was written makes me want to hunt down the note writer and do some donuts in her front lawn.
Seriously, who brings religion into PARKING issues?
Sep 27, 2007 at 9:37 am
#26 Wade
Jesus wept…over your lack of parking skills.
Sep 27, 2007 at 9:56 am
#27 lauralaiwc
this ruins it for the non-wackos!
seriously though, it spins me into a crazy level of pissed off when people have the jesus fish on their cars, because they are the WORST drivers on the planet. either they are going too slow (why? are they trying to make everyone else slower? GET IN THE RIGHT LANE), or they cut you off and then shoot YOU the bird, yada yada.
team stupid drivers should be shot in the knee caps.
Sep 27, 2007 at 10:00 am
#28 Wade
NRG #8
In the part of Texas I lived in, the lawn is the parking lot, lol.
Maybe he was late to his Christian Ethics seminar.
Sep 27, 2007 at 10:02 am
#29 lauralaiwc
whoa crazy bold-ness!
yes, but the lawn is YOUR parking not. not someone elses.
Sep 27, 2007 at 10:05 am
#30 GhostWriter
I’m sorry, but bald tyres (I’m using the ancient Hebrew spelling here) is a obvious sign that Jesus does not love you.
It’s all in First Michellin, 15:15 -24
RTFM, People!
Sep 27, 2007 at 10:10 am
#31 Wade
Sorry, HTML hiccup.
True, lauralai. A Texas lawn is holy ground.
And I am sure that the person parking on the lawn:
a. will regale his/her friends of their persecution.
b. be convinced in their own mind that the lawn-owner is not really a “fellow christian”, or they would not object to having their lawn torn up “to the glory of God.”
Sep 27, 2007 at 10:13 am
#32 mattiff
fabulous! I’m a lone atheist working at a church (!!!) and we have a CONSTANT parking problem (people parking in our limited spaces when they ought not). These notes give me new ideas of literature I can distribute on their windshields. Yay!
Sep 27, 2007 at 10:13 am
#33 Wade
GW - this may be a British idiom, but it seems the tyre police doubt baldy’s salvation: Jesus might love you.
Sep 27, 2007 at 10:15 am
#34 lauralaiwc
i love how mere mortals have decided to speak for jesus.
hes up in heaven shaking his head.
Sep 27, 2007 at 10:15 am
#35 lauralaiwc
mattiff, what made you decide to get THAT job?
Sep 27, 2007 at 10:16 am
#36 Wade
We are, after all, his parking emissaries, lol.
Sep 27, 2007 at 10:16 am
#37 mattiff
lauralaiwc…LONG story, but it makes for an interesting work day nonetheless!
Sep 27, 2007 at 10:20 am
#38 Wade
“Jesus, why are you crying? Because of the bloodshed in Burma? The war in Iraq? The children starving around the world?”
“No, sniff, it’s just that, people with Christain bumper stickers aren’t honoring me by their parking and lack of tyre maintenance. I must raise an army of righteous emissaries to put P-A notes on their cars. Only then can I find peace.”
Sep 27, 2007 at 10:24 am
#39 lauralaiwc
lmao. i mean, seriously? where are jesus’ parking emissaries’ priorities? sheesh!
Sep 27, 2007 at 10:36 am
#40 the sos
jesus was my copilot, but our plane crashed in the Andes and the heisa montser and i had to eat him.
Sep 27, 2007 at 10:38 am
#41 Goldie
Team “if it’s parked on my lawn, then it’s my car”. Thank you for this generous gift, fellow Christian. Now hand over the title.
Sep 27, 2007 at 10:43 am
#42 turrboenvy
I’m on Team Have-Enough-Parking. I’m sick of roads being nigh UNDRIVEABLE on Sunday because churches can’t provide enough parking for their parishoners. The fuckers have the streets CLOGGED.
Sep 27, 2007 at 10:51 am
#43 the sos
fuckers.
Sep 27, 2007 at 10:53 am
#44 mere
jesus drove a camel.
the camel ‘heisa’
and parked it on your lawn!
and his back hoof was flat.
and it was dangerous.
but then a nice blacksmith named terry fixed the hoof.
THANKS TERRY!
Sep 27, 2007 at 11:14 am
#45 lauralaiwc
common sense SHOULD dictate that you just dont park on someones lawn.
i LOVE how the notewriter assumes this person is a fellow christian, or uses that as a guilt-trip. guilt trips dont work on me, personally.
i havent been to church in ages, but i have always hated navigating the parking lots at churches. its “praise jesus” until evryone is trying to leave. ive seen some nasty violent behavior in church parking lots.
Sep 27, 2007 at 11:30 am
#46 todd
go team emissary, mainly because i enjoy acting poorly on someone else’s behalf.
Sep 27, 2007 at 11:33 am
#47 Goldie
lauralaiwc, Sunday mornings are arguably the most dangerous time on the road as I’ve noticed. After all, your average church-goer is usually in his 80s.
Getting out of the parking lot is interesting. We have two ways out and one is usually completely blocked, what with all the cars pulling up to the curb and little old ladies trying to get in.
Almost every Sunday without fail, somebody manages to park in the fire lane. WTF?
Sep 27, 2007 at 11:59 am
#48 WanderingPenguin
I was hoping I was the only one who noticed the dangling participle in the preamble, but no - that dirty old lady (#19) beat me to it. I hate dirty old ladies!
But seriously - if your car wants to attend mass, I say let it! Freedom of religious expression, people! It’s not just for animate objects!
Unless, of course, your car is a “Diablo” or “Fury”. Then they can stay on the lawn.
Also, what does “mass on vacation” look like? Wouldn’t that just be Armageddon?
Sep 27, 2007 at 12:02 pm
#49 eric the beehivehairdresser
Seeing all those WWJD notes would probably drive Jesus to alcoholism.
Sep 27, 2007 at 12:25 pm
#50 lauralaiwc
Goldie, yes, it is insane. There is a dangerous, winding road that I have to take to get to the nearest highway and it has a church on it. Usually there are police officers out there directing traffic so there isnt a melee.
but even so, on weekdays, people will linger in the driveway and wait until i am practically to where they are to whip their car out on the road, and get in MY lane, not the empty one next to me, or not waiting 5 seconds to get behind me.
i have my faith and all, but i would still smack these people around for their stupidity. then they blast you when they have screwed up.
*shudders*
all the old people with their super-strong cologne…
Sep 27, 2007 at 12:31 pm
#51 anna-banana
#50-don’t you mean rather, “police officers out there directing traffic so there isn’t a Mishee“?
Sep 27, 2007 at 12:51 pm
#52 Juliet
I think Jesus should be left out of motor vehicle issues because Jesus wouldn’t drive a vehicle, he’d ride a bike.
I loved how the first note started: Dear fellow Christian…
Even if I was a Christian it would inspire violence.
Team Darwin!
Sep 27, 2007 at 1:00 pm
#53 zsa
# 48- WP I was wondering what “mass on vacation” was too. Although I picture the pastor in shorts and hawaiian shirt, choir director with BBQ tools and a BIG cooler of holy wine on the back porch. Makes sense then that cars are parked every-which-way including the neighbors lawn.
Sep 27, 2007 at 1:38 pm
#54 WanderingPenguin
zsa, I like your thinking better. Although BBQ tongs and a cooler of holy wine might come in handy at Armageddon… so maybe we’re BOTH right?
Sep 27, 2007 at 2:19 pm
#55 Mel
Juliet -
I totally was going to say Jesus would ride a bike…as all christians and non-christians alike should be doing.
Sep 27, 2007 at 2:29 pm
#56 claw71
…of course Jews, Muslims and Atheists are welcome to park anywhere they’d like.
Seriously though, I was too busy coveting my neighbors wife to realize I was parking on the grass.
Do you suppose Jesus could park on water too?
Sep 27, 2007 at 2:34 pm
#57 Jaquelyn
I live in Austin, TX (sadly) and churches everywhere stop traffic entirely so that the people going in and coming out have full access to the street. On one of the busiest streeets right next to the University of Texas, there is an old church with all of its parking on the OTHER side fo the road. And I had been stuck there many a time when I lived downtown. Thank god I am an athiest.
Team Jesus would probably hate you.
Sep 27, 2007 at 2:48 pm
#58 Naomi
I get the feeling that if Jesus didn’t want them parked on the lawn, he would do something along the lines of MOVING the damn car off the lawn.
Sep 27, 2007 at 2:49 pm
#59 Jaquelyn
Oh, and I thank god for my athiesm because I am not subject to the crazy people who taunt these church goers in the street by coming within an inch of hitting them before stopping out of anger.
Sep 27, 2007 at 2:50 pm
#60 GhostWriter
This just in from John Tesh:
Nighttime “Last Call” driving is much more dangerous than daytime “Church -goin’” driving.
It says so right here!
Sep 27, 2007 at 2:50 pm
#61 Jaquelyn
Like myself.
Sep 27, 2007 at 2:50 pm
#62 lauralaiwc
i almost said they should just put stop lights by church parking lots where traffic gets REALLY bad, but then we’d have to deal with shitty stops all week instead of just one day.
thats why i sleep in till noon every sunday. then everyone is at lunch by the time i roll out of bed.
Sep 27, 2007 at 3:19 pm
#63 Kate
Cincinnati is spelled wrong in the tags!
Sep 27, 2007 at 3:26 pm
#64 claw71
John Tesh has the voice of an angel, a heart of gold and a huge throbbing member that has kept Connie Selleca quite happy for a number of years.
But that still doesn’t mean I buy anything published on his site.
Sep 27, 2007 at 3:27 pm
#65 Canthz_B
Solution—Drive-thru churches. Pick-up a copy of the sermon at window one, wine and wafer at window two then take your invisible entity worshiping ass home!
Jesus doesn’t drive, he’s on the dashboard.
Team Secular Humanism
Sep 27, 2007 at 3:32 pm
#66 Canthz_B
#65 Offering based on car model driven so rent a Yugo!
Sep 27, 2007 at 3:36 pm
#67 anglophile
Yeah, the tithe on a Hummer’s a bitch!
What would PA Jesus do about people parking on his lawn every Sunday? I’m pretty sure he’d accidentally leave nails and broken bottles scattered around in his lawn.
Sep 27, 2007 at 3:52 pm
#68 Joe
Note #1…. my p-a response to someone parking on my lawn would be a phone call to a towing company.
Sep 27, 2007 at 4:02 pm
#69 zsa
#54 Wp- I’m down for that party!
I like the Drive Thru Church too~ I would probably like it better than having to hold hands with the sweaty-palmed person on either side of me.
Team Jesus might love you, but I dont like you much at all.
Sep 27, 2007 at 4:05 pm
#70 Nattie
Some of these notes have obviously taken time, so have these good Christians been SKIPPING CHURCH to be so helpful?
May god forgive them is all i say.
Sep 27, 2007 at 4:17 pm
#71 GVI
Team hugs from Jesus.
Sep 27, 2007 at 4:27 pm
#72 Trickster
I say, if you decide that the church s going to be located so that people have to drive there, just build it out in the countryside!
And more importantly, What Would Batman Do?
Sep 27, 2007 at 5:12 pm
#73 Jesus Christ
If I had a loaf of bread for every time someone asked how I park my ride…
the real question is, what wouldn’t I do
I get “Jesus Christ Superstar” parking, suckers!
Sep 27, 2007 at 5:12 pm
#74 the sos
“Yeah, the tithe on a Hummer’s a bitch!
What would PA Jesus do about people parking on his lawn every Sunday? I’m pretty sure he’d accidentally leave nails and broken bottles scattered around in his lawn.”
you said nails. ahahaha! (i’m ready to go to hell now)
Sep 27, 2007 at 5:40 pm
#75 Canthz_B
#72 “…They paved paradise and put up a parking lot .”
Sep 27, 2007 at 6:03 pm
#76 Team Cassandra
Now, as a sorta distant cousin to Christians - I always find need some education in these kinds of conversations so I wondered…
Has Jesus always had such a foul mouth? I mean, from a distance, he comes across as a pretty nice guy so I’m a little surprised. But I found some interesting examples at #1(!), #7I
Maybe that kinda talk made some people nervous cuz, y’all also asked
What Would:
Scooby Doo Do?#16
Batman Do?#72
Heisa Do? #9&11
Athiests Do? #7
And I can’t get PA Jesus from #67 out of my head, nor can I remove #54’s “cooler of holy water”
#20, #22, 26, #30,#34, #38, #40,#44,
Sep 27, 2007 at 7:02 pm
#77 Team Cassandra
Sep 27, 2007 at 7:03 pm
#78 Team Cassandra
(oopsie) #49, #55, #58 and #73 all speculate on the true nature of Jesus . That’s a lot! It gave me all kinds of new insight into the inner workings of Christianity.
And #42 and #43 are just funny because I can be a little 8 year old boy like that:P
As far as I can tell: Team Darwin is in the lead with Team Get the Fuck Off My Lawn at a close second.
So, after my intensive study, I have decided to join Team Hugs from Jesus with GVI.
PS. Thank God I don’t drive:)
Sep 27, 2007 at 7:03 pm
#79 Trickster
Ya, you are right Cassandra, who really cares anyway? It’s not about what *insert name here* would do, it’s about what the noteleavers feel THEY in their moral superiority would do.
Sep 27, 2007 at 7:11 pm
#80 BoggyWoggy
Hmmm. I think the Christians should BURN RUBBER on the lawn, just as they BURNED WITCHES at the stake.
Sep 27, 2007 at 7:13 pm
#81 GVI
WOOOO!!! I made the list
.
Sep 27, 2007 at 7:23 pm
#82 Matt
> “The way you have parked makes our Lord and Savior cry”
What a pussy.
Sep 27, 2007 at 8:35 pm
#83 Bee
Tyre is a UK variant of Tire…sort it out sounds a british saying too so I’m thinking the person is British..
Sep 27, 2007 at 9:22 pm
#84 tweedle
I’ve been wondering — I know my flag decal won’t get me into heaven anymore, but what about my ribbon-shaped magnets?
My ‘Honk if You’re a Clumsy Lover’ sticker?
(Ah swear to gard I saw that bumper sticker on a car today). What in the heck could it all mean?
Sep 27, 2007 at 11:03 pm
#85 WanderingPenguin
re #76 - actually, TC, zsa