presenting, for your analysis, this anonymous contribution from a hair salon in bettendorf, iowa (pop. 32,394). for the scatologically inclined vandal — and for putz’s owner — the unconscious issues at play appear to be anything but borderline. college psych majors: care to address which stage of psychosexual development is associated with passive-aggressiveness?
related: i can’t stand this shit anymore
UPDATE: here’s a little more backstory on the situation from our note’s submitter. (warning: this might confuse more than it illuminates.)
the owner of a salon i work at posted this for the individual that had placed dog poop in the corridor that is shared by other businesses. they left the feces in the hallway shortly after her and her st. bernard, putz, arrived to work. putz goes everywhere with her. for the past eight months he’s grown tremendously, and his massive size at this point has freaked out other store owners. putz sleeps in the back room and he has suburb potty training skills — and his owner always picks up after him.
the landlord approached her [re: the feces in the hallway] and said he was very bothered by the possible health code concern. he later told her not to worry about it, seeing how it was totally impossible for putz to let himself out the back door, take a dump in the corridor, then turn around and open the door to let himself back in.
someone kept tearing down her note, so she added the written message at the bottom.
EMAIL THIS POST TO A PAL!
97 responses so far ↓
#1 Wade
So where did the poop come from to frame putz…oh my lord.
Sep 30, 2007 at 10:19 pm rating: +1
#2 jfruh
I shudder to imagine what horrible event will happen on September 28th that will take this dispute to the next level of horror.
Sep 30, 2007 at 10:20 pm rating: +1
#3 GVI
That poop was fucking delicious.
Does the bandit have tons of poop, or tons of class, I’m confused.
We need an update, beacuse It’s the 30th now and I would love to know what the bandit did.
ps. Who the hell names their dog Putz?
Sep 30, 2007 at 10:22 pm rating: +1
#4 Wade
jfruh - yeah, i'm not sure if the owner wrote that note (tons more trouble/notes) or the poop planter (tons more…well, you know, lol).
Sep 30, 2007 at 10:26 pm rating: 0
#5 caclark4
I can't help but wonder as well if there are tons of poop or tons of fliers. I also wonder if the handwritten portion of the note was posted by the bandit his/herself or by the dog owner. I would love this note even more if the note was from the bandit.
Team Bandit just for handling poop.
Sep 30, 2007 at 10:30 pm rating: 0
#6 Canthz_B
The Mad Bomber is a Pet-ophile?
Sep 30, 2007 at 10:34 pm rating: 0
#7 Andy
Yahoo! Another Mad Bomber sighting. I knew they'd be going cross-country with that shit.
CB: D'oh!Â
GVI: That's fucking gourmet, that's what that comment is.Â
I love the brown for "poop", then the purple (?) for "Putz", very well composed.
Yeah, so what's up with the 9/28 deadline? Was that to make sure to show up on this site?
This just sounds like one of the first pitches for "The Fugitive":Â It wasn't me, it was the one-armed man pooping in the building!
Well, I'm assuming it occurred in the building — I need more details. Come on, I'm begging ya!
You know, caclark4, you are on to something there. It's a shameless marketing ploy by the owner. I'm not sure what demographic you'd go for however, but it is Iowa, I suppose.Â
Sep 30, 2007 at 10:54 pm rating: 0
#8 Andy
Oh, and I thank you for the link to the Yiddish slang (okay, alternative) dictionary.
Dreck dreck dreck! Oy vey.
Sep 30, 2007 at 10:57 pm rating: 0
#9 Zsa
I want to know why if the Owner can bring her big, cool dog into work, why cant the employees??
Team bring your dog to work day!
Sep 30, 2007 at 11:01 pm rating: 0
#10 Canthz_B
Rolf!!
Sep 30, 2007 at 11:08 pm rating: 0
#11 Minox
If it's the business owner's dog, then what would be the point of framing it? So the owner could demand they send their own dog home?
Sep 30, 2007 at 11:42 pm rating: 0
#12 Sharona
I find it interesting that Owner assumes that the Bandit is motivated by Putz-envy, rather than, say, dissatisfaction with the service. Sometimes a bad haircut is just a bad haircut.
Sep 30, 2007 at 11:46 pm rating: +1
#13 morpho aurora
somehow, i don't think the issue is festering deep within anymore.
Sep 30, 2007 at 11:56 pm rating: 0
#14 tweedle
'Fur-ther seconded'..
Pretty, if not quite elegant.
What if the dog owner American Hair is stone cold paranoid and in denial about her –justly, I have no doubt– well-loved doggie? What if he simply could not hold it anymore? All the beauticians who work there are none the wiser (unless they have been gathering around the water cooler kvetching about the psycho-sexually fixated owner), and must be looking at each other in a new light of late.. Such lengths to frame the dog!
Oct 1, 2007 at 1:26 am rating: 0
#15 Potbelly
I’m always mildy irritated by people who brag about having a big dog, as if somehow it’s so bad-ass or prestigious to have a big dog rather than a small one. Usually these peole get off on seeing their dog intimidate others. No wonder people don’t want that dog around their workplace.
I wonder if the framing (if it actually occurred) was done using dog or human excrement? Brutal either way.
Oct 1, 2007 at 2:19 am rating: 0
#16 ian
I really would love to have the full story behind the p-a here, something like a NY Daily News item: Poop-planting perp pinched
@Andy - btw Dreck is also German - as are many Yiddish words. The word Yiddish itself must come from Jüdisch - the German word for Jewish.
Oct 1, 2007 at 3:58 am rating: 0
#17 s
i have to know more!!!
Oct 1, 2007 at 4:15 am rating: 0
#18 Grammar police
Dear PAN,
You misspelled "scatologica" and "scatological." These are Greek words, hence the linking vowel "o." Thought you should know. If you use long words, you should check how to spell them.
Oct 1, 2007 at 7:11 am rating: 0
#19 Andy
@ian: Thanks — when I was a kid, my grandparents (one side was German-Russian, the other German-Norwegian) would say quite a bit of those words. They woudn't give the precise meanings most of the time.Â
Oct 1, 2007 at 7:19 am rating: 0
#20 Andy
#18: In the spirit of this site, you should've added the following: "See m-w.com". If you're going to post a passive-aggressive note at a passive-aggressive note site, then you should know how to do it. Thought you should know.Â
Oct 1, 2007 at 7:23 am rating: 0
#21 caclark4
Every time I read this note now I see the hair salon owner as Claire Bennet's mother from the show "Heroes." Am I the only who could see her extremely cool dog licking her lips? Ewwwwww….
Oct 1, 2007 at 8:24 am rating: 0
#22 GhostWriter
Tweedle posits the best scenario: A nutty boss who won't believe that his own dog's poop stinks, or even exists.
"Boss, there's another dog crap in the storage room."
"What? Somebody took another crap in the storage room? Those dirty bastards!"
"Boss, no one was in there all day but Putz…"
"Exactly! The perfect way to frame my dog, wouldn't you say? Well, go clean it up while I put up a sign. "
"(I hate my job…)"
Oct 1, 2007 at 8:39 am rating: 0
#23 ShagNBag
In the spirit of grammar correcting, bandits would steal the poop (i.e. that poop being fucking delicious), not plant the poop.
Here are some possible alternatives (thesaurus):
charlatan, con artist, con man, counterfeiter, deceiver, defrauder, deluder, equivocator, fabler, fabricator,
fabulist, false witness, falsifier, fibber, fraud, imposter, jive turkey, maligner,
misleader, perjurer, phony, prevaricator,
promoter, rascal, rogue, scammer, scoundrel, trickster
Oct 1, 2007 at 8:41 am rating: 0
#24 Adam
Looks like this guy smoked some of the Brown Bomber.
" why do they call it the brown bomber?"
" cause when you smoke it, you shit your pants"
Oct 1, 2007 at 8:47 am rating: 0
#25 GhostWriter
Tweedle posits an interesting scenario; a nutty boss who won't believe his dog's poop stinks (or even exists.)
"Boss, there's another dog crap in the storage closet."
"Another crap? Well, who put it there? Those dirty bastards…"
"Boss, Putz if the only one who's been back there all day. Remember the Egg McMuffins you gave him? The wrapper's in the crap… "
"Exactly! A perfect way to frame my dog, huh? Well get to cleaning the mess up- I'm going to put up a sign!"
"(i hate my job…)"
Oct 1, 2007 at 8:49 am rating: 0
#26 Mishee
Once again this backs up my previous statement about Iowa - Idiots Out Walking Around (and planting poop apparently)
We have new options on the text box… you go PAN God!!
Oct 1, 2007 at 9:30 am rating: +1
#27 Grammar police
â„–21: Thank you, Andy!
I apologize profusely for not following the PAN Manual of Passive-Aggressive Style. I do not have it internalized. Also, PAN< way to go on correcting the "scatalogical" spelling in a matter of a few minutes.
Oct 1, 2007 at 9:31 am rating: 0
#28 Mishee
Grammar Police the PAN God is nothing if not Humble (see http://www.m-w.com)… but remember, "When in Rome"…
Oct 1, 2007 at 9:37 am rating: 0
#29 lola
As far as the poop, I'd check it for corn kernels. That's how you could tell if it came from the two-legged or the four-legged variety of being. Although I pity the fool who has that job.
Think of how irritated the person had to be to stoop to carrying poop to work in their purse / coat pocket - talk about EEEWWWW!
Oct 1, 2007 at 9:37 am rating: 0
#30 claw71
So the owner of the salon takes her(or his) dog to work and the employees don't like it. Boo-friggity-hoo.
I could see this act of rebellion if the person penning the posting pertaining to the persecution of putz happened to be a presumptuous manager but this is the OWNER of the FRIGGING COMPANY!
The person who owns the company I work for plays by her own rules. Some of my coworkers don't like it to which I respond: "Paycheck." If she wants to take four weeks off, more power to her. She pays all of us to do her work for her. That's the point of employees, right?
If you don't like the way your manager treats you, go over his head, if you have issues with the owner…quit.
Team Putz for me.
Oct 1, 2007 at 9:54 am rating: 0
#31 graceful
Why does everyone assume this note is directed to the employees of American Hair? I thought it was to the customers, leading to an entirely new level of aggressiveness.
Oct 1, 2007 at 10:04 am rating: 0
#32 Katzndogz
If the writer of the note finds planting poop to frame a dog only "borderline nasty," I'd hate to think what he/she thinks is crossing the line.
I initially thought the handwritten portion was from the poop planter, but I don't think he/she would use the word "reposting." I think maybe the poop planter is tearing the signs down, and the note writer is stating that he/she has tons of copies of this sign and will keep putting up replacements until the 28th. So now the big question is: Why the 28th? Will the note writer have reached full vindication by that point and no longer feel the need to vent his/her anger to the world?
Oct 1, 2007 at 10:16 am rating: 0
#33 spiderflowers
Hey Potbelly! I have to say that I get irritated by those people too. I have 2 Great Danes who are big babies. I would be more afraid of little ankle biting poodles than my two 180 pounders. Big dogs aren't scary, but their owners may be!
Oct 1, 2007 at 10:35 am rating: 0
#34 Sharona
ShagNBag, I would have gone with "vandal," since I would be more concerned with the defacement of my shop than with the (supposed) attempt to defame my dog.
Still, "poop perjurer" has a nice ring to it.
Oct 1, 2007 at 10:37 am rating: 0
#35 Wade
Maybe PPB was watching Putz, and when s/he did her/his business in the appropriate locale, PPB swooped, scooped, and deposited it in the store.
This would seem to reconcile the banditry with the planting, at least in the owner's mind, lol.
Oct 1, 2007 at 10:39 am rating: 0
#36 dragon
Team Scatological Scoundrel!
Oct 1, 2007 at 10:53 am rating: 0
#37 Katzndogz
If the note writer considers poop planting only "borderline nasty," I have to wonder what would be considered crossing the line.
I think the handwritten portion is from the writer saying she has tons of copies of the note and will keep reposting them everytime one is torn down (presumably by the poop planter or her minions). Why she will stop on the 28th is still a mystery.
Speaking of presumptions, I don't claim to know the gender of either person in this drama, I just got sick of typing he/she and him/her in the above narrative.
Oct 1, 2007 at 11:02 am rating: 0
#38 Denagh
What I want to know is…how does the owner actually KNOW that the poo doesn't belong to his dog? Does he watch him go? Was the poo too small for his supposed Big and Cool dog? The color was wrong? What???
Oct 1, 2007 at 12:13 pm rating: 0
#39 lauralaiwc
oh god. this notewriter is CRAZY. it would be one thing if this poop bandit was allowed to bring THEIR dog and was blaming said note-writers dog…but there isnt even another animal there??? psycho lady with scissors. thats kinda frightening.
and i think we assume it's a woman because of the handwriting. that and most guys rent crazy enough to blame a person for dog shit. i think most guys would just take the credit for the crap
Oct 1, 2007 at 1:05 pm rating: 0
#40 Team Cassandra
I had a Big Dog - and, I'll tell you: I knew his Poop!
But, seriously - I thought that was a roommate note - the American Hair being some kinda dog and the 28th being move out day.
Oct 1, 2007 at 1:07 pm rating: 0
#41 Mishee
Once again, the color coding of the word "Poop" really tickles my funny bone!
Oct 1, 2007 at 1:13 pm rating: 0
#42 Katzndogz
Well, my first attempt at submitting a comment didnt seem to come through, so I tried an hour later. Now both of them are here. I tried “reporting a problem” to the box on the upper right, and it doesn’t appear to be doing anything other than “Searching Satisfaction.”
I shall slink away in defeat.
Oct 1, 2007 at 1:17 pm rating: 0
#43 RP
Maybe the dog is some sort of guide dog or something similar (I've read that dogs can be trained to help people with Parkinsons stop shaking.)
Oct 1, 2007 at 1:27 pm rating: 0
#44 mere
i really have no comment.
except that now we have a handy dandy toolbar when we comment.
Oct 1, 2007 at 1:32 pm rating: 0
#45 will
unless you work with dogs, keep your dog at home. I've got a dog, she doesn't come to work with me.
Oct 1, 2007 at 1:32 pm rating: 0
#46 Team Cassandra
I won't let me post duplicates.
But it will let me play with the editor -
So I'm fine with it (what? no smiley's???)
Oct 1, 2007 at 1:32 pm rating: 0
#47 lauralaiwc
wtf happened to my nice, well-thought out comment? oh well.
this IS a nifty toolbar. oh joy!
for those who asked a few PA notes ago, my film premeir this weekend kicked ass, and i only mention it because im still on cloud nine about it, so no one get on my case for changing the subject or shameless plugs. crushthemovie.net, baby.
anyway, dog poop sucks and people poop is worse. ewww.
Oct 1, 2007 at 2:18 pm rating: 0
#48 lauralaiwc
had to test the smileys.
Oct 1, 2007 at 2:19 pm rating: 0
#49 DUH
@ #24 - "The Poop Jive Turkey"???
Actually, I kinda like it…
Oct 1, 2007 at 2:39 pm rating: 0
#50 stoke
Putz means lazy, according to the english slang version. Since she has a big dog it would make sense being that most large breeds are couch potatoes.
Oct 1, 2007 at 2:40 pm rating: 0
#51 Mishee
lauralai, is this movie not on IMDB? Cause I think if it's not on IMDB it doesn't exist, right? :) I would love to view more at the website provided, but I can't install Quicktime on this computer… possibly when I get home then…
Oct 1, 2007 at 2:46 pm rating: 0
#52 Kristi
@ RP:
A hairdresser with Parkinsons, what a bad idea! Someone clearly wasn't thinking when they made THAT career choice
Perhaps, though, that explains the poop planting…as someone else said, revenge for a bad haircut!
Oct 1, 2007 at 3:04 pm rating: 0
#53 stoke
I bet the owner was reposting them for a period of time to make sure whoever they suspected planting it was able to see the note.
I wonder why the owner assumes the ppb failed so miserably. The ppb apparently executed their purpose. Which then leads me to believe that the purpose went unnoticed by customers [the owner found it right away and disposed of it] therefore explains the "you should be embarrassed for trying so hard…" since the ppb had to go through the effort of retrieving poop, finding the perfect location to frame the dog [all while handling the poop] and then placing it in the desired location.
The "further seconded" portion leads me to believe the dog may have more class than the ppb since he doesn't leave his shit in public places.
Oct 1, 2007 at 3:06 pm rating: 0
#54 claw71
I believe this document has no legal bearing. I don't know what there was to second, but Putz failed to sign therefore rendering the entire note moot.
Oct 1, 2007 at 3:16 pm rating: 0
#55 stoke
Maybe the note is not for the employees or the customers… maybe it's for other store owners! [assuming it is not a freestanding salon, unless it's in a barn..it is iowa].
hmmm… mystery.
Oct 1, 2007 at 3:29 pm rating: 0
#56 claw71
It's possible that this salon is in a mall of some sort and the owner is vexing her neighbors. It could even be a merchant court of some sort where everybody has external entrances. There's an accountant around the corner from my office who leaves her dog out and he craps all over the side yard.
I hate when the contributing parties don't provide sufficient back story. I know Kerry follows through when it's available.
Oct 1, 2007 at 4:23 pm rating: 0
#57 claw71
And you have to love the Freud referrernce. Isn't it ironic that one of the foremost experts on passive aggressive behavior was such a well-versed practitioner of it?
Study Freud's work from a clinical perspective and issue a diagnosis on him. Talk about an over-compensating meglomaniac with mommy issues.
Oct 1, 2007 at 4:27 pm rating: 0
#58 Peggy Lu Who
How is planting poop only "borderline nasty"? What level would this have to be taken to in order to qualify as "totally nasty"?
And I must know what happened after September 28th! I cant stand the suspense.
Oct 1, 2007 at 4:40 pm rating: 0
#59 stoke
ah HA, back history. My assumptions are correct, for the most part.
Thanks for posting that… 19 hours later.
Oct 1, 2007 at 4:53 pm rating: 0
#60 Wade
#57 claw is indeed favored by the PAN goddess.
The backstory does fill in most of the blanks. I noticed the tape over the written note seemed to imply the owner wrote it.
Still not sure about the deadline. Is someone's lease up?
Oct 1, 2007 at 4:53 pm rating: 0
#61 Joe
was I the only one that thought, initially, that the poop-planter actually took a dump in the hallway? I didn't realize that they picked up a pile and relocated it.
Oct 1, 2007 at 4:58 pm rating: 0
#62 Juliet
So someone was leaving dog poo in the hallway in the vain hope that the dog would not be allowed in the said hallway?
What magnificent problem solving skills! What do they do if they don't want, say, children around? Leave a human turd in the hall? Whoever did this needs to be mocked!
Oct 1, 2007 at 5:11 pm rating: 0