another doozy of an apartment manager note from oakland, california. our anonymous submitter wasn’t able to save any of those 14 notices, so it’s unclear if any of them were anything like this one.
related: love, apt. 3
free markets, free people, free papers
October 19th, 2007 · 217 comments
FILED UNDER: CAPS LOCK · california · excessive underlining · guilt trip · landlord · neighbors · newspaper · oakland · obnoxious definition · stealing
217 responses so far ↓
#1
Troy McClure
Rose is in espionage. The apparent content of the note is a decoy. The true message is hidden in the elaborate pattern of underlining.
Oct 19, 2007 at 10:58 am rating: 0
#2
Troy McClure
This note was certainly extended.
Oct 19, 2007 at 11:00 am rating: +2
#3
Troy McClure
Okay so Rose wants everyone to cooperate, in this and any other matter. Tell your friends.
Oct 19, 2007 at 11:02 am rating: +1
#4
WanderingPenguin
All 14 notes were removed, possibly.
Come on, Rose - were they removed or weren’t they? Inquiring minds want to know!
Oct 19, 2007 at 11:03 am rating: 0
#5
dawn
14 notices about a swiped newspaper? Can you say C-R-A-Z-Y, boys and girls?
Team Read the Paper Online and Move On With Your Life!
Oct 19, 2007 at 11:04 am rating: 0
#6
Troy McClure
Possibly by the person who might have been responsible! Or maybe by someone else who might’ve been responsible….
Oct 19, 2007 at 11:05 am rating: 0
#7
WanderingPenguin
I particularly love the way it starts off like a Hallmark greeting (”Nine Simple Words….”) and rapidly degenerates into more and more stressed-out and inappropriate underlining.
So let me get this straight: it’s not ok to take a resident’s newspaper if they plan to be away from the building…but it is ok to take it if additional plans are “make”? So…if I live there and go visit my brother for the afternoon, my paper should still be there when I get back…but if we decide on a whim to go get a beer, say goodbye to my WSJ?
Hardly seems fair.
Oct 19, 2007 at 11:06 am rating: 0
#8
Troy McClure
Come on, Dawn, integrity is at stake! No one’s going anywhere until we find that paper.
Actually I think some cash-strapped resident stole the newspaper to use for heating, or lining a bird-cage, or something. The 14 extra sheets of paper are just encouraging the thief.
Oct 19, 2007 at 11:07 am rating: 0
#9
WanderingPenguin
No, Troy, that’s not what she said with that extra comma.
Look again!
Oct 19, 2007 at 11:07 am rating: 0
#10
WanderingPenguin
That note makes me want to go around TOUCHING papers in the lobby and letting Rose know about it.
Oct 19, 2007 at 11:08 am rating: 0
#11
Troy McClure
Yeah, poor Rose has tried so hard to pin down the exact nature of the circumstances under which you can take a paper. I wouldn’t have thought it should be that difficult.
Oct 19, 2007 at 11:10 am rating: 0
#12
todd
I’M not SURE than anyone G-I-V-E-S a (shit) ROSE.
THANK YOU,
Team Newspaper-Swiper
Oct 19, 2007 at 11:12 am rating: 0
#13
Juliet
# 10 - LOL!
It’s just a newspaper! A newspaper! What the hell? Did it have a winning lottery ticket in it? Do you know how inexpensive and easy it is to get newspapers?
This reminds me of the time when I was in grade 9 and the teacher kept all of us after school because her favourite student lost her pencil. The teacher made us all wait 20 minutes and during that time urged us to return the pencil. It wasn’t engraved in gold and wasn’t a gift from a dying relative. It was a standard #2 pencil. I missed my bus over a friggin pencil!
Team newspaper thief!
Oct 19, 2007 at 11:13 am rating: 0
#14
Zsa
Bold, Caps, underlined. Bold and underlined, Caps and underlined. Bold AND caps AND underlined. Oh my, can just see Rose pounding the heck out of the keybard by the time she was done. escalate much?
All she needed was colors and (source: m-w.com) to make this an A+
Oct 19, 2007 at 11:13 am rating: 0
#15
WanderingPenguin
I bet one of those “lizzards” came in and took it. Or perhaps a vagrant and thief.
There is no way that paper was fucking delicious, btw. It’s the Wall Street Journal!
Oct 19, 2007 at 11:13 am rating: 0
#16
Mishee
That Wall Street Journal was fucking delicious!
Oct 19, 2007 at 11:14 am rating: 0
#17
Mishee
WP, great minds think alike - I was surprised we went 15 posts before someone said it anyways!
Oct 19, 2007 at 11:15 am rating: 0
#18
Troy McClure
Look again? I can’t look away! Does “possibly” qualify “removed”? Or “were”? And who is “the” person who might be responsible? (And if they’re not responsible, then who the hell is?)
Oct 19, 2007 at 11:16 am rating: 0
#19
Mishee
But I do have to say, if you are living in Oakland and the only thing stolen is your newspaper, I would say that you are in pretty good shape!! Oakland is just a scary, scary place…
Oct 19, 2007 at 11:16 am rating: 0
#20
Troy McClure
Rose obviously has a MUCH finer sensitivity to subtle gradations and rhythms of emphasis than I have. I cannot imagine what I would have to be trying to express, to want to underline four words in a row, break the underline for the following space, and then underline the next four words in a row. I’m in awe. Really, this is teaching me how little I understand of humanity.
Oct 19, 2007 at 11:20 am rating: 0
#21
Zsa
Maybe the person taking down all 14 notices was the owner of the stolen WSJ who thinks this has gone beyond all reason for a newspaper or two (if I remember right WSJ doesnt do a sunday paper)
Maybe she just missed the ransom note:
Cant buy own paper- leave $2 in the mailbox and the paper will be returned, unharmed, after I’m done in the bathroom.
Oct 19, 2007 at 11:22 am rating: 0
#22
Zsa
oops… missed the “OR maybe she missed the ransom note”
Oct 19, 2007 at 11:23 am rating: 0
#23
Troy McClure
#21 Omg yes that must be it. Some staid accountant is kicking himself for having mentioned it to Rose in the first place, but too embarrassed to ask her to stop. He’s just digging himself a deeper hole…
Oct 19, 2007 at 11:25 am rating: 0
#24
WanderingPenguin
Troy, it reads:” ALL 14 notices were removed, possibly, by the individual who….”
That extra comma means “possibly” modifies “removed” and not “by the individual”. That was all I was getting at.
So….were they removed or not, Rose?
Oct 19, 2007 at 11:26 am rating: 0
#25
WanderingPenguin
#17 LOL Mishee - precisely!
Oct 19, 2007 at 11:27 am rating: 0
#26
Mishee
Yes, I believe this note also needs to be tagged with “Comma Abuse”
Oct 19, 2007 at 11:28 am rating: 0
#27
WanderingPenguin
How about the colon before “AGAIN”? I am certain that is not supposed to be there.
I think she really meant she wanted to prevent this from happening “again”, because she’s too late to prevent this from happening “once”. Instead, she says that “AGAIN” she is asking people not to take a paper. Because obviously that worked so well the first time she asked it.
Oct 19, 2007 at 11:31 am rating: 0
#28
MasterTwisted
If Rose were a copy editor or writer, possibly, she wouldn’t have to work in apartment management. This would obviate her dealings with paper thieves. Perhaps the erstwhile WSJ reader needs to get a mat that doesn’t say “Leave”.
I’m just sayin’.
Team leave-my-paper-alone.
Oct 19, 2007 at 11:31 am rating: 0
#29
sea
team underline excessively!
Oct 19, 2007 at 11:31 am rating: 0
#30
Cookie
I want to go to Oakland, find Rose, and leave a WSJ on the doormat of every tenant in that complex. Does this make me:
a) less crazy than Rose,
b) equally crazy,
or c) more crazy?
Team My Crazy Beats Your Crazy
Oct 19, 2007 at 11:34 am rating: 0
#31
Troy McClure
WP, maybe you’re right. It’s not the right way to punctuate anything, though, so I can’t get too concerned about what it comes closest to saying. Anyhow the last part of that sentence is definitely my favourite. My eyes are wet.
Oct 19, 2007 at 11:36 am rating: 0
#32
WanderingPenguin
If she was a copy editor, MT, I don’t think she would be done with paper thieves in the slightest.
BTW, I have been parsing this note, MT, because I like to think there’s a special place in hell for people who like to produce such grandiose missives but have absolutely no idea how to form simple sentences. From the very first line Rose obviously fancies herself to be a brilliant note-writer; it’s equally obvious she needs to be disabused of this notion with all due haste.
Period.
Oct 19, 2007 at 11:36 am rating: 0
#33
Mishee
WP, Oakland is just about 20 minutes from me, should I go find Rose and slap her silly for thinking she could write or that she was clever?
Oct 19, 2007 at 11:39 am rating: 0
#34
lauralaiwc
i think rose is the paper theif and this is just a convenient cover-up.
methinks the lady protests too much!
Oct 19, 2007 at 11:40 am rating: 0
#35
GhostWriter
Juliet (#13) asked: “Do you know how inexpensive and easy it is to get newspapers?
Sure we do, Juliet- but we have more I-N-T-E-G-R-I-T-Y than that…
Oct 19, 2007 at 11:42 am rating: 0
#36
the sos
the heisa monster did it. and he said that WSJ was fucking delicious.
Oct 19, 2007 at 11:43 am rating: 0
#37
GhostWriter
BTW, if we happen to agree with Rose on this matter, why does she have to push her luck and ask for cooperation on, “…any other matter” as well?
I don’t plan to cooperate on her ridiculous “Octoberfest-in-November” happy hour idea.
Oct 19, 2007 at 11:46 am rating: 0
#38
lauralaiwc
this is the sort of note asking for rebellion within the apartment community!
i wonder if rose hides in the bushes and picks up dog poop to leave on tennants doorsteps…
Oct 19, 2007 at 11:47 am rating: 0
#39
WanderingPenguin
#33 - I would say slap her twice, Mishee, for both. No point in wasting a trip.
Oct 19, 2007 at 11:49 am rating: 0
#40
Mishee
“I’m asking ALL to cooperate, in this and any other matter….”
Dammit the comma abuse is burning my corneas!!
Oct 19, 2007 at 11:54 am rating: 0
#41
nate
God, I can just hear Rose now:
“It’s not the paper per se, it’s the principle of the thing!”
God, people like this are tiresome.
Oct 19, 2007 at 11:55 am rating: 0
#42
Team Cassandra
I would love to see, on this particular note, a little pink marker with “Rose sucks 8==o” and other fun comments and drawings. I’m not sure why…
Oct 19, 2007 at 11:57 am rating: 0
#43
Troy McClure
#37, for sure. See #3. Say goodbye to war, poverty and injustice; Rose is in charge now. (But maybe not illiteracy.)
Oct 19, 2007 at 11:57 am rating: 0
#44
Mitsu
Ok, living in an apartment building, a stolen paper would be the LEAST of my worries! It’s so funny how people can overreact at times!
Wandering Penguin: Dalton McGuinty is so fucking hot!!! I don’t care what anyone says!! (I’m form Ottawa South, btw)
Oct 19, 2007 at 11:58 am rating: 0
#45
Mishee
Team Cass you are so right! That would’ve been great! LMAO! But only if it was written in handwriting that could only belong to a 19 year old girl… with a pink pen
Oct 19, 2007 at 11:58 am rating: 0
#46
Troy McClure
Scented ink! (Oh Stupendous PANgolin, can we get smell on this thing?)
Oct 19, 2007 at 12:01 pm rating: 0
#47
Mitsu
this would be a lot better if it was handwritten. Then we would be able to tell how crazy Rose is, just by analyzing her handwriting.
Oct 19, 2007 at 12:03 pm rating: 0
#48
Troy McClure
Mitsu, yeah, then we’d be really sure.
Oct 19, 2007 at 12:05 pm rating: 0
#49
MeinSchatz
Maybe one of the possoms dragged it off to his lair.
Oct 19, 2007 at 12:05 pm rating: 0
#50
Mitsu
OOPS! I meant “from Ottawa South”… *please don’t hurt me*
Oct 19, 2007 at 12:06 pm rating: 0
#51
sunlotus
Nine more letters: G-E-T-O-V-E-R-I-T.
And another nine letters: N-E-W-S-S-T-A-N-D.
Is there evidence that the WSJ in question was even actually delivered that day?
Going forward, additional plans should definitely be MAKE with someone.
Oct 19, 2007 at 12:06 pm rating: 0
#52
Paul
ok ok…I took the fuckin paper and my windows have never been cleaner!
I think Rose is the codename being used by Ellen Degeneres
“PLEASE GIVE THAT PAPER BACK TO THAT POOR FAMILY!”
heh….but you know what they say…a Rose by any other name…
Oct 19, 2007 at 12:07 pm rating: 0
#53
WanderingPenguin
Well, he’s hot in a Norman Bates kind of psychotic way, I guess, Mitsu.
My riding is about 4 hours southwest of you, BTW.
Oct 19, 2007 at 12:08 pm rating: 0
#54
Mitsu
WP: I was at the Chateau Laurier on election night, and I grabbed his ass, when I took a pic with him, LMAO!!! BEST…NIGHT…EVER!
Oct 19, 2007 at 12:09 pm rating: 0
#55
lola
The notices were removed, possibly, OR they became invisible to the human eye… both scenarios are equally likely because I am OFF MY ROCKER!
Did it ever dawn on her that the other tenants don’t give a rats ass that one person had a newspaper taken, perhaps unintentionally, and thrown away? Maybe they’re the ones removing the posters? I know I would be tempted to tear them down after, say, the SIXTH one, let alone the FOURTEENTH.
Oct 19, 2007 at 12:13 pm rating: 0
#56
Adam Amato
Team: these notes are getting less and less passive aggressive everyday.
1) who the fuck cares get a P.O. Box, problem solved.
2) Does this guy really want his paper returned after I took it to the crapper with me??
3) This note was kinda boring due to the lak of craziness. I want illiterate beratement goddamn it…
Oct 19, 2007 at 12:15 pm rating: 0
#57