this exercise in how not to get a job is brought to us by an anonymous submitter in kansas city. the worst part: before sending this e-mail, this guy was actually in the top five.
(i think steve might have watched in good company one too many times.)
EMAIL THIS POST TO A PAL!
141 responses so far ↓
#1 anna-banana
This guy has a really large attitude….not influence. And just WHAT does he “no” about 25 yr olds??? He’s experienced a lot of ‘em he says?
That large influence was fucking delicious!
Oct 22, 2007 at 9:02 pm rating: 0
#2 WanderingPenguin
Some of us have a rather large influence. And by “some of us” I mean “everyone but me”. And by “rather large influence” I mean “a clue”.
Oct 22, 2007 at 9:05 pm rating: 0
#3 WanderingPenguin
a-b, I think that typo of “Steve’s” was supposed to say “In my experience….”. But who the hell knows? This is why friends don’t let friends “drunk email”.
Oct 22, 2007 at 9:06 pm rating: 0
#4 Mishee
I love it! Good grammar, well thought out sentences, spell checked, and just the right amount of underlying pissyness!!
Oct 22, 2007 at 9:07 pm rating: 0
#5 Mishee
or would that be pissiness….? it’s not in http://www.m-w.com, so I am not sure… since it’s not really a word!
Oct 22, 2007 at 9:12 pm rating: 0
#6 Mary Quite Contrary
Oh, Steve. You thought you were being so clever. Yet, I think this email has come to bite you in the ass…
Wasn’t exactly what you intended, huh?
Oct 22, 2007 at 9:15 pm rating: 0
#7 WanderingPenguin
“Good grammar”? Uh, if you say so. It was almost impossible to read with all its two-word “sentences” and the lack of quotes where needed.
I am pretty sure I have met “Steve” at every party I have ever been to in my life, FTR.
Oct 22, 2007 at 9:17 pm rating: 0
#8 Mishee
I’m sorry WP, I am actually being really sarcastic because it was pretty bad, but also saying it with a vein of truth when compared to the other notes we have seen on this site (i.e. Anthony Grosso and the crazy Yolanda cat lady to name a few)
Oct 22, 2007 at 9:23 pm rating: 0
#9 GVI
What an asshole, he is like anti-Jason, but he burns his bridges before he crosses them.
Oct 22, 2007 at 9:25 pm rating: 0
#10 gdad
I think I interviewed this guy a while ago. His mom was so pissed that I did not hire him she almost fired me. She is a large woman as well.
Oct 22, 2007 at 9:27 pm rating: 0
#11 Troy McClure
Yolanda’s grammar drove donuts over Steve’s. In fact Steve’s email shows my problem with spell-checkers: people who can’t write think the spell-checker will fix it. Instead, they end up with something a little bit prettier, but just as irrational and ungrammatical.
Oct 22, 2007 at 9:28 pm rating: 0
#12 Troy McClure
gdad, great story. Did she sing too? Coz I want it to be over.
Oct 22, 2007 at 9:29 pm rating: 0
#13 HendrixIsTheCat
I, for one, am thankful for this informative e-mail. I might have gone years without realizing that I should direct my commitment-energy especially toward the “sales process.” Silly me — I’d been using it for personal relationships and finishing grad school!
Oct 22, 2007 at 9:32 pm rating: 0
#14 Canthz_B
Perhaps someone in the personnel dept. has larger influence and our Steve has already been Blackballed…way to go Steverino!
Oct 22, 2007 at 9:33 pm rating: 0
#15 todd
i can’t imagine blowing it that big. talk about running your mouth off…
Oct 22, 2007 at 9:34 pm rating: 0
#16 Canthz_B
Ladies and Gentlemen, here we have an example of how to write a follow-up letter after your resume has actually (Mish) gotten you an interview…
Oct 22, 2007 at 9:37 pm rating: 0
#17 carmelo-rules
he sounds like he should be in the t.v. show, the office, he’d be the creepy guy in the corner that no one talks to but in his mind he runs the show! yup there’s one at every job!
Oct 22, 2007 at 9:41 pm rating: 0
#18 Canthz_B
That age discrimination was fucking delicious!
Oct 22, 2007 at 9:43 pm rating: 0
#19 GVI
Oh damn, someone mentioned the office, don’t tell lonely myspace girl.
Oct 22, 2007 at 9:48 pm rating: 0
#20 WanderingPenguin
And by “large woman” gdad meant that she brought a lot of salads and yogurt to work, but ate out every day.
Oh sorry, that was last thread.
Oct 22, 2007 at 9:51 pm rating: 0
#21 WanderingPenguin
Wait….is Mishee a guy?
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/40984
Oct 22, 2007 at 10:06 pm rating: 0
#22 Mishee
har har har
Oct 22, 2007 at 10:07 pm rating: 0
#23 kureshii
Well, this just made me decide to send out interview requests late if I ever start my own company, just to weed out “talent” like him.
Oct 22, 2007 at 10:10 pm rating: 0
#24 lola
Steve’s getting all better-than-thou on those people - the same people whose asses he would gladly kiss if they turned around and offered him a job. Hey, he’s not too proud, ethics be damned
Oct 22, 2007 at 10:15 pm rating: 0
#25 Mishee
Clever!
Oct 22, 2007 at 10:41 pm rating: 0
#26 Team Cassandra
Well kiss my ass and call me home for dinner!
I think I can feel that “large influence” all the way over here in Canada…o my…o my god…i …i…
I think its coming this way!
AAAAAHHGG!! Help, help! Its the large influence of a pot-bellied, balding, unemployed, illiterate man!
HEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLP!
Oct 22, 2007 at 10:43 pm rating: 0
#27 Troy McClure
#33, I love how abruptly it ends after “large influence”, like that phrase got him so excited he just had to go & jerk off in the mirror or something.
Oct 22, 2007 at 10:48 pm rating: 0
#28 Wade
WP #3 reminded me of Life Lesson #72:
Merlot and email don’t mix
Oct 22, 2007 at 10:59 pm rating: 0
#29 GVI
Troy, it’s like he pulled a sexual chocolate and just walked away from his pc.
Oct 22, 2007 at 11:01 pm rating: 0
#30 Katy
A mistake like what Steve made here with this email is something that only 25-year-olds (or younger) might make. After that first mistake, they should learn to put their P-A tendencies aside when talking to potential employers (or any employer, for that matter, current or past). The kind of overreactionary shit Steve just pulled should *not* be the actions of someone bitching about those young 25-year-old whippersnappers.
Team Kansas City, all the way. (Although, if they’re having trouble deciding on someone, they should inform their applicants of a delay.)
Oh and by the way…
Those 25-year-olds were fucking delicious.
Oct 22, 2007 at 11:07 pm rating: 0
#31 Troy McClure
GVI, I’m begging you not to tell me what the hell that means.
Oct 22, 2007 at 11:30 pm rating: 0
#32 ALA
Sadly, as I lack a clever wit, I have to go for the obvious…that ass was fucking delicious.
Oct 22, 2007 at 11:33 pm rating: 0
#33 GVI
To bad Troy, it’s a reference to the movie Coming To America.
Oct 22, 2007 at 11:36 pm rating: 0
#34 raiseyourglass
Steve,
Sorry we did not respond promptly. You know how slow human resources can be with the hiring practices and job offers. We were very excited about accepting you as our new sales associate. However in light of the recent email you sent. We are only able to offer you the door. P.S.We hear the post office is hiring. Good luck in your future endeavors.
Oct 22, 2007 at 11:37 pm rating: 0
#35 Dave Ward
Good lord, that aggressive twit deserves to remain unemployed. A few years of standing in the soup line to get a can of creamed corn, a packet of dried milk and a loaf of stale bread might teach him a little fucking humility and respect.
Oct 22, 2007 at 11:37 pm rating: 0
#36 anglophile
I have a lot of interest in Steve. He sounds like the kind of pro-active, take charge kind of employee I would like to have working for me. Everyone needs someone like Steve on their team, reminding us of ethics issues, punctuality, and how to be an asshole.
Really enjoyed this one!
Oct 22, 2007 at 11:37 pm rating: 0
#37 lola
GVI - I got it
Sexual Chocolate… SEXUAL CHOCOLATE!
That Sexual Chocolate was fucking delicious
Oct 22, 2007 at 11:44 pm rating: 0
#38 Mishee
#46 - I am pretty sure it said it was Kansas City, not Soviet Russia!
Oct 22, 2007 at 11:47 pm rating: 0
#39 Troy McClure
Mishee, I don’t think he meant a few years for one can or corn, packet of dried milk & stale crust! (And why’s it called a “soup” line, anyway??)
Oct 22, 2007 at 11:56 pm rating: 0
#40 Canthz_B
Technically Troy, and I know you love technicalities
, one stands in a bread line to get into a soup kitchen. Depression Era jargon (1930’s).
Oct 23, 2007 at 12:19 am rating: 0
#41 Coke-aholic
This note sounds a lot like my exhusband. These guys never can keep the jobs they do actually fake their way into. Typically they are only hired so the management can blame them when things get really bad, and then they fire them. So, he will get what is coming to him one way or another.
And I am still laughing from the sexual chocolate reference. Classic, believe me. It made me spit my coke out all over the monitor, dammit.
Oct 23, 2007 at 1:52 am rating: 0
#42 Troy McClure
Damn now I must see that movie.
Coke-aholic, let us know if you have to buy a new monitor because the phosphoric acid in the Coke corrodes your old one. We’ll organise reimbursement—Rene Hall will send you a cheque.
Oct 23, 2007 at 3:00 am rating: 0
#43 dicky49
Mr. Steve :
We have a new opening in our sales associates division and would appreciate your participation in the interview process. Your resume and references have been forwarded to the interview team seeking qualified applicants. Your quest for a long term commitment and a move to the next level could be accommodated , as long as you could exert your “large influence” on a mop handle and a broom. Please see Mr. Bates in Custodial Services to set up your interview.
Team K.City
Oct 23, 2007 at 3:31 am rating: 0
#44 WickedLady
What the hell’s he nagging about? So he didn’t get a response in that exact week, who cares? Thoughts like “Maybe something happened.” or “I’ll probably hear from them next week.” should come to his mind. Instead he decides to show them what a complete prick he is. Someone should teach him about patience. (And perhaps some good grammar, lol)
Oct 23, 2007 at 4:27 am rating: 0
#45 Katy
IN SOVIET RUSSIA, THE CANDIDATE FIRES YOU!!!
Oct 23, 2007 at 5:22 am rating: 0
#46 bisticles
Digging the Fountains of Wayne reference (I think?) in the title.
Oct 23, 2007 at 6:28 am rating: 0
#47 Sair
Holy mother of god… What an utter, utter wanker.
Had an idea though - do you think maybe he was being metaphorical when he said “Some of us have a rather large influence”? Maybe his mummy told him calling it a penis in public was rude so he should call it his ‘influence’? So actually what he’s saying at the end of his email there is ‘Screw you guys, I don’t need your job, I’ve got a huge dick’?
Just a thought…
Oct 23, 2007 at 7:59 am rating: 0
#48 lambaste
I thought maybe it was more like God wrote it (bad punctation and typos and all, God has Metratron??? to deal with such things after all), and we all know that God has rather a large influence; also he’s pretty up there with ‘relationship superiority’, or at least many of his followers are…
Oct 23, 2007 at 8:14 am rating: 0
#49 lambaste
Or He’s pretty up there , as are many of His followers.
Oct 23, 2007 at 8:16 am rating: 0
#50 lambaste
or out there…
Oct 23, 2007 at 8:33 am rating: 0
#51 Mitsu
Holy crap! Talk about arrogant and conceited! I’m really glad he didn’t get the job, he doesn’t deserve it! There are too may arrogant twits at my workplace, who think they know everything, and are the greatest!
Team K.City!
Oct 23, 2007 at 8:44 am rating: 0
#52 Fraulein N
See, dammit, this is probably why they take forever to get back to you after an interview. They need that window of opportunity to weed out the Steves of the world.
I dearly love that he was in the top five before he pulled this shit. That irony was fucking delicious!
Oct 23, 2007 at 8:51 am rating: 0
#53 NoTeam
Aside from the rudeness, bad grammar, and balls & ego the size of Godzilla, everyone here secretly knows how good it would feel to write something like that to the a**holes who never inform a prospective candidate that the company chose “someone more suited to our needs”. You know I’m right.
With regards to the nerve and ego of “Steve”, he IS a salesperson - kinda goes with the territory, doesn’t it?
Oct 23, 2007 at 9:22 am rating: 0
#54 Doug Keaachie
The answer is simple. He does not really want that job in the first place. He is going through the motions, probably to mollify others in his environment and, of course, himself, but as much as he needs the money (or maybe not) overall, this job is not something that turns him on.
As soon as he realizes this, he will either stop chasing squirrels up the wrong trees, or persuade himself that actually their acorns are indeed tasty. As it is, it’s sort of a preemptive case of sour grapes.
In varying degrees, I’ve been there, done that, myself. That’s part of what makes this funny. We all do it to some degree, in some situations. Aesop’s Notes deja voodooed again. Same stories, different milleniums.
Oct 23, 2007 at 10:02 am rating: 0
#55 Doug Keaachie
Actually, that should possibly be “millenia ?”
Oct 23, 2007 at 10:03 am rating: 0
#56 GVI
And my question to you Doug, is who the hell applies to a job that they do not want?
Did you not read the note, and see that he sobotaged himself, by being an ass before he got his callback.
Oct 23, 2007 at 10:27 am rating: 0
#57 jen
Another option for when news is delayed — call me crazy,
“Thank you for taking the time to interview me for your sales group last (week, month, year, millennium, whatev). I am following up to check on the status of your decision. I am very interested in being a part of the future growth of XYZ Co. Yadda.
Best regards,
A-Hole Jones”
Oct 23, 2007 at 10:32 am rating: 0
#58 Anon
Do you know how happy I would be if I was hiring and had 5 possible candidates and then got this e-mail?
YESSSS!!!! DOWN TO FOUR!!!!
A-hole.
Oct 23, 2007 at 10:40 am rating: 0
#59 Zsa
Ah, GVI- you never been on unemployment I see.
Prime way to milk the system into getting your $400 a week for the next 12 months is to apply to the minimum number of jobs required (something like one application a week) and then NOT get hired.
In the freakish case when you actually get called to the interview, proceed to be a pompus ass so you do not get hired.
Do not pass go, collect your $400
Oct 23, 2007 at 10:41 am rating: 0
#60 Doug Keaachie
Who marries somebody they will wind up divorcing ??? Believe or not, same sort of situation.
Oct 23, 2007 at 10:42 am rating: 0
#61 Mishee
#49 Katy - That got a definite attention getting “Office LOL” - great followup!! Still chuckling!
Oct 23, 2007 at 10:54 am rating: 0
#62 Mishee
Sorry to post again, but I noticed the PAN God took MOST of “Me”s postings from last night down… I’m just wondering why she left a few… probably for the memories… so we can go back one day and laugh at CB.
Oct 23, 2007 at 11:00 am rating: 0
#63 GhostWriter
I have done similar, well into my 30’s. After interviewing for a management position, and being soundly rejected, the same company emailed me later to see if I had any interest in an “individual contributor” position.
Something gets into your mind at that point. I remember penning a vitriolic note turning down their “menial” offer (which, of course, I had not yet been offered, but was fairly equivalent to the initial management position). I included comments like, “…can I expect yet another call from you when your newly-hired manager finds himself hopelessly over his/her head?”
It got me nowhere- in truth, at that point, I no longer wanted to work for them. I just wanted the satisfaction of turning them down, after they had rejected me earlier. Heck, the job was in upper Minnesota; what kind of a pale-skinned, frozen tundra, lamps from whale blubber, nearly Canadian bridge was I really burning, anyway? But as this note clearly demonstrates, the final joke is on the vengeful retorter.
I even remember receiving a reply to my rant, including something like, “…you were one of the better candidates for the original management spot, but we filled it internally…” Looking back now, I am certain they were simply playing with me.
But if you are going to write such a note, you have to re-read it before hitting “Send”. It’s much more classy that way.
But
Oct 23, 2007 at 11:03 am rating: 0
#64 T-Bone
Gordon Gecko has been recently released from Federal prison and is searching desperately for a sales position.
Oct 23, 2007 at 11:08 am rating: 0
#65 Jon
i love how he misspelled know; maybe he will also abuse those apostrophes too http://apostrophe-abuse.blogspot.com/
Oct 23, 2007 at 11:10 am rating: 0