my former roommate eric inspired this roundup (and an overly dramatic round of gagging/hair-pulling/eye-gouging on my part) by passing along a photo of this sign spotted on marco island, florida — though it could have been anywhere on main street, usa. note the small print at top, which reads: “signs sold in our gift shop.”
i think the only thing that could make this sign more irritating would be if it said — shudder — “expresso.”
this sign must be stopped!
215 responses so far ↓
#1
Troy McClure
#1 Fur St!
Oct 31, 2007 at 8:48 am rating: +4
#2
Jeff
Weird, I’ve never heard this before. I had no idea it was so ubiquitous. Maybe living in NYC, the kids here already have espresso and puppies that their parents gave them so the threat is empty.
Oct 31, 2007 at 8:50 am rating: +32
#3
Jeff
Oh, and that espresso and puppy were fucking delicious.
Oct 31, 2007 at 8:52 am rating: +27
#4
GhostWriter
And that, my friend, is how those terrible Thai websites get their footage.
Oct 31, 2007 at 8:53 am rating: +1
#5
Katie
What would happen if some clod actually INSISTED that their child get the free puppy?! This is my fear!
Oct 31, 2007 at 8:55 am rating: +21
#6
Jeff
^
HA! I can see the waitress’s (is that correct?) face now “But… but… it’s just a folksy sign, ma’am. We don’t actually have any puppies here.” Chances are a parent who is shitty enough to let their child run wild would be just the person to do that.
Oct 31, 2007 at 8:58 am rating: +5
#7
Mishee
Why the hell would someone take their child with them to a winery?
Troy – your prayer to the PAN God was answered! Good job!
Oct 31, 2007 at 9:03 am rating: +2
#8
ficklegal
I’ll see your espresso/free puppy, and raise you a lifetime supply of pixie sticks.
Oct 31, 2007 at 9:05 am rating: +16
#9
jfruh
The one I’ve seen everywhere lately is a small jar labeled “ashes of problem customers.” Much more straightforwardly aggressive than p-a.
(OK, by “everywhere” I mean “at a local vegan restaurant and at my chiropractor”, but the two locales are disparate enough to indicate a wide trend, yes?)
Oct 31, 2007 at 9:08 am rating: +5
#10
hannibal
Those unattended children were fucking delicious.
Oct 31, 2007 at 9:13 am rating: +19
#11
Mitsu
I’ve seen this sign… It’s a horrible idea! Screaming kids are bad enough, do we really need to give them a shot of espresso? It would also be cruel to the puppy, to give him/her to a hyperactive child.
Team Please Think of the Puppies!
Oct 31, 2007 at 9:14 am rating: +4
#12
Troy McClure
Your daddy’s he’s around here
But has wandered off somewhere
I’ll teach him; would you like to choose
A puppy? We have spare!
And kids normally don’t drink them,
But with sugar these are good
Your parents need to learn
A thing or two about parenthood
One more cup of coffee and a dog
One more cup of coffee and a dog
And you can have it “to go”
Oct 31, 2007 at 9:15 am rating: +8
#13
Elphaba
I’m with the change to a lifetime supply of pixie sticks. Much easier for a child to manage than a burning hot cup of espresso! All the same power to get them hyped up, but none of the 2nd degree burns. Think of the children!
Oct 31, 2007 at 9:16 am rating: +5
#14
lism.
Katie, that’s exactly what would happen in Scotland. “Ah know ma rights. Ahm goin tae the Record.”
But, ugh, how hideously “quirky”.
Oct 31, 2007 at 9:18 am rating: 0
#15
the dawd
This one time in band camp, i was left unattended. My therapist would like it if i talked about the expresso and puppy more, but that puppy was fucking delicious.
Oct 31, 2007 at 9:19 am rating: 0
#16
Troy McClure
Mishee, yeah, what timing! I think it must have been my abject obsequiosity; I think she likes that. (GhostWriter? Are you looking that up??)
Oct 31, 2007 at 9:19 am rating: 0
#17
Mishee
#13 – Or even the childern
Oct 31, 2007 at 9:19 am rating: 0
#18
Troy McClure
Elphaba, I may remember you from such novels as Wicked. You’re the sexiest wrinkly green woman I know!
Oct 31, 2007 at 9:21 am rating: +3
#19
Mishee
I love Wicked… I was so into that book I was reading it at stoplights….
But I digest… back to the notes!
Oct 31, 2007 at 9:24 am rating: +2
#20
pry
i was dangerously close to having submitted this very sign posted outside a downtown toy store. i’m glad i didn’t. i didn’t realize it was so unoriginal.
Oct 31, 2007 at 9:27 am rating: 0
#21
Mitsu
hell, I could use an espresso and a puppy…time to steal it from the unattended child…
Oct 31, 2007 at 9:27 am rating: +2
#22
Strideo
Oh come on!
Isn’t anyone else as freaked out as I am by the fact that the first sign has a small head IN the espresso cup?
Oct 31, 2007 at 9:28 am rating: +2
#23
the dawd
I thought the first sign was in reference to the fucking delicious children. Its like the designer of the sign knew about us…creepy.
Oct 31, 2007 at 9:30 am rating: 0
#24
Troy McClure
Mitsu, are puppies supposed to be “used”?
Anyone can look like a child—think of Mugatu in the “Obey my Dog” scene—the trick is to act like a hyperactive child. For that, coffee helps.
So all you need is a dog and coffee, and you could probably pull it off. Oh, hang on….
Oct 31, 2007 at 9:30 am rating: 0
#25
GhostWriter
Sorry- I had distracted my myself surfing some terrible Thai websites (for note research, of course)
abject obsequiosity – “abject” as in light-reflecting, or white, and “obsequiosity” meaning, protruding sequoia-like wood.
Hey, this is straight from http://www.m-w.com!
Oct 31, 2007 at 9:39 am rating: 0
#26
Troy McClure
Madeup Words dot com?
Oct 31, 2007 at 9:47 am rating: 0
#27
A.A guy
The kid in the coffee cup has that “I’m in the middle of peeing in the pool” look on his face.
Oct 31, 2007 at 9:56 am rating: +3
#28
T-Bone
Other sign suggestions:
If you can’t control your childern, they will be shot.
We love kids, but if they act out, we will sell them into white slavery.
Kids throwing a tantrum? Please take them and get the hell out of here.
Today’s lunch special– Kidz-on-a-stick
Oct 31, 2007 at 9:59 am rating: +8
#29
Troy McClure
I think it was The Chocolate Fish in Wellington where I saw “uncontrolled children will be used in medical experiments”.
Oct 31, 2007 at 10:07 am rating: +5
#30
A.A guy
And the top two appear to be trying to shit their pants.
Oct 31, 2007 at 10:15 am rating: +1
#31
KB
Am I the only one who would be really excited by the concept of an espresso and a free puppy? I wish the offer was real, and that it was for unattended adults.
Oct 31, 2007 at 10:19 am rating: +1
#32
Troy McClure
The third one presents the message as a “gardening tip”. I fail to see how puppies and coffee-drinking children will help your garden … unless … eew.
Oct 31, 2007 at 10:20 am rating: +1
#33
Deborah
I should leave my daughter at one of these places for the day… and then take her and her accumulated puppies to my parents house… for like, the whole next year… *evil grin*
Oct 31, 2007 at 10:23 am rating: 0
#34
Wade
#21
Now Mitsu, you know what happens when you steal from the children:
http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2007/06/04/there-you-go-bringing-him-into-it-again/#more-174
photo #3
Oct 31, 2007 at 10:24 am rating: 0
#35
Wade
if this double-posts, i apologize in advance (damn you, heisa monster!)
#21
Now Mitsu, you know what happens when you steal from the children:
http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2007/06/04/there-you-go-bringing-him-into-it-again/#more-174
ref. photo #3
Oct 31, 2007 at 10:27 am rating: 0
#36
T-Bone
Troy– good suggestion.
“After lunch, visit our latest exhibit– tantrum-throwing kids in formaldehyde-filled jars! Fun for the whole family.”
Oct 31, 2007 at 10:32 am rating: 0
#37
Katy
I would like to quote StrongBad (for some reason)…
“Wave o’ baaaabies!”
“Children!!!!”
Oct 31, 2007 at 10:34 am rating: 0
#38
Wade
#23
Dawd – that would be sign number 5, where the children, espresso and puppies are listed on the Fine Food “Today’s Special”-type chalkboard.
Oct 31, 2007 at 10:35 am rating: 0
#39
FickleGal
Maybe the two kids at the top are upset cause they weren’t chosen to be beheaded and dropped into the espresso.
Oct 31, 2007 at 10:37 am rating: 0
#40
Nightwalker
I don’t seem to get it. Where is the threat in that? Is that a movie quote or something like that?
Oct 31, 2007 at 10:39 am rating: 0
#41
Katy
Ahh, here we go…
http://www.homestarrunner.com/tgs2.html
http://www.homestarrunner.com/tgs6.html
Oct 31, 2007 at 10:42 am rating: 0
#42
Centaurea
Those overused memes were fucking delicious!
Oct 31, 2007 at 10:52 am rating: 0
#43
Mishee
How can a place called “Blackjack Ranch – Vineyard & Winery” expect childern to be attended to for very long?
I guess that’s why they have the sign; an unusually large number of childern wandering around doing tastings and doubling up on 11….
Oct 31, 2007 at 10:53 am rating: 0
#44
Wade
ahh, Katy.
brings back memories of Trogdor, burninating the thatch roof cottages.
good times, good times
Oct 31, 2007 at 10:56 am rating: +1
#45
WanderingPenguin
That apostrophe and space in “TODAY’S FINE FOOD” were fucking delicious.
Oct 31, 2007 at 10:58 am rating: 0
#46
Wade
The sixth photo looks like the cover of a passive-aggressive “I Spy” book.
Oct 31, 2007 at 11:01 am rating: 0
#47
Troy McClure
Or the G & R in FINGERFOOD, maybe?
Oct 31, 2007 at 11:02 am rating: 0
#48
Troy McClure
#43: That’s right Mishee. And threatening the parents isn’t solvang anything.
Oct 31, 2007 at 11:04 am rating: +1
#49
Wade
And the kid in the eighth photo looks like he could use an espresso.
wait! what is that in his hand? Is it an espresso cup, or something else that might have made him, er, “drowsy”.
Oct 31, 2007 at 11:04 am rating: 0
#50
GhostWriter
Dude! forget the expresson- feed those little kids the two hits of Labybug Acid from pic 6!
They’ll be trippin’ OOOOUUUUUUUuuu…
Oct 31, 2007 at 11:09 am rating: 0
#51
Mitsu
#34…True enough…too bad this offer wasn’t for adults. I’d like a cute little puppy and some coffee, please!
Oct 31, 2007 at 11:11 am rating: 0
#52
jen
Bwaaa. My mom has the last one in her small-town dress shop. She also has one that says, “Your husband called. He said to buy whatever you want.”
Oct 31, 2007 at 11:12 am rating: 0
#53
Kim
This sign is made of awesome. I hate when parents leave their brats unattended.
Oct 31, 2007 at 11:16 am rating: +1
#54
Wade
I can’t decide which sign is the most P-A:
The restaurant one(s) with Thank You at the end
or the gardening tip one with Have a Nice Day in light blue ink.
Oct 31, 2007 at 11:19 am rating: 0
#55
adriana
wow, i hope this trend doesn’t continue, I would be forced to groan every time I saw a sign like that
Oct 31, 2007 at 11:23 am rating: 0
#56
GhostWriter
Yahh, there’e this winery that has a sign, “Unattended Children will be given an espresso and a free puppy.” …and they DO IT! They ain’t kiddin’ around!
So I bring my kid and leave him there for about five minutes. I come back, drink the coffee, grab my kid and the puppy- and head over to the Vietnamese Barbeque for a free lunch!
They ain’t kiddn’ around either!
Oct 31, 2007 at 11:24 am rating: +1
#57
Wade
omg, Solvang, CA!
The Danish town. I remember going there as a kid.
As I recall, I received neither espresso nor puppy.
Oct 31, 2007 at 11:24 am rating: 0
#58
mere
“unattended puppies will be given a free child.”
or
“puppies on espresso free to bratty child”
Oct 31, 2007 at 11:26 am rating: 0
#59
WickedLady
Haha, I must say I find this one quite adorable. If I was a kid and I saw that sign, I’d be begging my mom to leave me behind to receive a puppy.
(And I think she would leave me, just to get a free puppy out of it.)
Oct 31, 2007 at 11:30 am rating: 0
#60
Meredith
A sign like this was posted in the waiting room of a funeral home…I found that especially amusing. It’s good to maintain a sense of humor in a time of sorrow and grief, I suppose.
Oct 31, 2007 at 11:41 am rating: 0
#61
WanderingPenguin
Wow – a funeral home/puppy mill/espresso bar. Talk about a small town!
Oct 31, 2007 at 11:50 am rating: 0
#62
Team Cassandra
*I* would change it to a can of Coke and a box full of beads. Kids just won’t drink espresso…and anyone whose had a kid who likes beads will know what I’m talking about. You can always give a puppy away – the only way to find every last bead that kids bring home is first thing in the morning with your bare feet.
Also, if my kid saw that sign she’d lose me in a half-second just to get that puppy. The cool thing is that she’d also bring the espresso to me:)
Oct 31, 2007 at 11:55 am rating: 0
#63
Jen
I think sign 5 would be more effective if they just left it as:
Today’s fine food
Wandering Children
Oct 31, 2007 at 12:49 pm rating: +2
#64
protocrone
hey, don’t they give ADD kids uppers to calm them down? maybe that’s the plan with the espresso…
Oct 31, 2007 at 1:02 pm rating: 0
#65
Cole
I went to a hair salon this past Saturday and saw the same sign in the waiting area. They’re all over the place!
Oct 31, 2007 at 1:04 pm rating: 0
#66
Brandon
How about this:”Team You Are All Idiots”. I can’t believe how utterly stupid these comments are. For one thing, they are not even funny. For another, its the same thing over, and over, AND OVER. Everyone wants to be the first to say something is “fucking delicious”. Well have I got news for you idiots. YOU ARE NOT FUNNY.
Oct 31, 2007 at 1:04 pm rating: 0
#67
Mishee
Brandon’s rant (which none of us care about) was fucking delicious!!
Oct 31, 2007 at 1:08 pm rating: 0
#68
A.A guy
I worked in a restaurant that had herds of charging wildebeast-type children. We had an ongoing “trip the little bastards” competition.Points were awarded for quantity,style,fall quality and length of time spent crying.We intended to take points away for getting busted,but no one ever did(I recall seeing a few suspicious”down children” in the vicinity of management)
No animals were injured in the playing of this game.
Oct 31, 2007 at 1:09 pm rating: +4
#69
Team Cassandra
Yay Brandon!
We love you!
But you lose. Sorry:)
Oct 31, 2007 at 1:11 pm rating: 0
#70
ijRoberts
Aww, that’s too bad I didn’t know this thread was going up earlier, there’s one of these signs at a Deli that I go to a lot (Rose’s Deli on NW 23rd for you other Portlanders).
I thought it was funny when I saw it, since that was the first time, but seeing all these others, I guess it’s kind of lost its charm…
Oct 31, 2007 at 1:26 pm rating: 0
#71
Wade
Maybe Brandon designed the sign in photo #1.
Or owns the gift shop where the sign is sold.
Of maybe he is just cranky because someone stole the towel he uses to wipe btwn his legs.
Oct 31, 2007 at 1:29 pm rating: +1
#72
GhostWriter
No one expected the Brandon Inquisition!
He has two weapons; First, his fanatical lack of belief (in the the stupidity of the comments.) Second, it’s the same thing over, and over, AND OVER, and third, The news he gots for you idiots- …Three Weapons!!
…and his fourth weapon- IT’S THE SAME DAMN THING OVER AND OVER AND OVER!!
Oct 31, 2007 at 1:30 pm rating: 0
#73
Wade
and by “of” I, of course, mean “or”.
Oct 31, 2007 at 1:31 pm rating: 0
#74
Wade
GW – The Soft Cushions are too good for him, sez I. Bring out the Comfy Chair!!!
Oct 31, 2007 at 1:33 pm rating: 0
#75
A.A guy
I hear the” scrape scrape ” of knives being sharpened.
Oct 31, 2007 at 1:36 pm rating: 0
#76
FickleGal
*Team – Brandon is a tool!*
Oct 31, 2007 at 1:42 pm rating: 0
#77
Katzndogz
Let’s see, Brandon thinks that we are not funny and that we’re repeating ourselves.
Well, Brandon, that may possibly be true. But, guess what?
a. Your comment was not funny.
b. You were repeating the same whining comment that we’ve seen many times before.
If it makes you feel better, Brandon, think of it this way: There’s nothing new under the sun. (I just made that up)
Oct 31, 2007 at 1:50 pm rating: +1
#78
Team Cassandra
And that leaves GW in the lead for the Golden T!
(especially because it starts with “He has two weapons…”)
There’s something kinda special about that.
Oct 31, 2007 at 1:53 pm rating: 0
#79
Jen
Team Brandon is a Tool – oh wait, someone already said that didn’t they
Oct 31, 2007 at 1:57 pm rating: 0
#80
Spreggels
I don’t understand how this is more popular than the sign I came up with: “Unattended children will be given a Quaalude and a hearty buggering.”
Oct 31, 2007 at 2:08 pm rating: +3
#81
WanderingPenguin
Brandon strikes me as exactly the kind of child these signs were aimed at in the first place.
BTW, the apostrophe missing from Brandon’s post was just as fucking delicious as the one from the sign earlier. What a tool.
Amongst our weaponry….are such diverse elements as…. I’ll come in again. (stomp stomp stomp…slam)
40 years later and Python still rules.
Oct 31, 2007 at 2:22 pm rating: 0
#82
WanderingPenguin
Methinks Spreggels must be a church caretaker.
Oct 31, 2007 at 2:23 pm rating: 0
#83
amazon
Did anyone else notice that the last sign is a homemade rip-off of the third-to-last sign? The flowers are in the same position and everything! I bet that damn vineyard is the origin of this whole nightmare.
p.s. People who say “expresso” should have a steaming cup of it thrown in their face.
Oct 31, 2007 at 2:31 pm rating: +1
#84
Cad
#55
The Manbearpig says…
“GRROOOOAAAANNNN”
Oct 31, 2007 at 2:38 pm rating: 0
#85
SpaceMonkey
The wittiest one I’ve seen-that I have yet to see everywhere else- is “Unattended children will be sold as slaves.”
Oct 31, 2007 at 2:42 pm rating: 0
#86
anglophile
What should I do? Brandon doesn’t think I’m funny. I will be turning off my computer, pawning it and using the money to buy….
Espressos and puppies for everyone!
Oct 31, 2007 at 2:45 pm rating: 0
#87
Wade
Ohhhhh! This is why Brandon is so cranky!
http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2007/08/20/i-think-its-going-to-be-a-long-long-time/
Oct 31, 2007 at 2:50 pm rating: 0
#88
the dawd
This one time at band camp, brandon had a clarinet and was jealous of the flutist (sp?)
Go team repetition is funny!
Oct 31, 2007 at 3:02 pm rating: 0
#89
Wade
This gives me an idea for tonight – hand out espresso and puppies to the trick-or-treaters.
Oct 31, 2007 at 3:03 pm rating: 0
#90
WanderingPenguin
Only if they show up unattended, Wade, I mean fair is fair.
Oct 31, 2007 at 3:05 pm rating: 0
#91
mike
why the hell would you take your kids to blackjacks winery and bootsmith anyways…
Oct 31, 2007 at 3:08 pm rating: 0
#92
mike
the second to last one doesnt look like a kid and what the fuck is he doing with his fly…
Oct 31, 2007 at 3:09 pm rating: 0
#93
Kimmers
Am I losing it, or did there used to be a link on this site to an “embarassing confessions” kind of site?? I swear I looked at it yesterday and now it’s gone…
Oct 31, 2007 at 3:18 pm rating: 0
#94
Team Cassandra
Wow. Can you imagine the streets full of unattended caffeinated, costumed children carrying bags of candy and chasing puppies?
Now, that’s scary.
Oct 31, 2007 at 3:26 pm rating: 0
#95
SpaceMonkey
Holy Ass Crackers. I posted after #92 -which, by my calculations, use of the word awakened, and math- should’ve made me post #93, but somehow it has migrated to post #85. WTH.
Oct 31, 2007 at 4:03 pm rating: +1
#96
WickedLady
“Wandering penguins are given an espresso and a free puppy.”
Sorry, I couldn’t resist.
Oct 31, 2007 at 5:04 pm rating: 0
#97
The Webulator
Great little place call the Britt Inn (www.zeuter.com/~lilbritt), located in Britt, Ontario that has the following on it’s menu:
“”Kids? We try to serve them first and fast – please find out what they want and let us know. We have chicken fingers, of course, macaroni and cheese, pogos, grilled cheese, small soup, fish and chips with french fried or mash and a drink-$8.
Noisy kids – fried liver, fried onions, broccoli with a side of olives – no ketchup – priced according to noise level.
Polite kids – free ice cream.”
Oct 31, 2007 at 5:05 pm rating: 0
#98
ziggytosh
This sign is a lie. I’ve left my toddler alone for hours in several of these establishments and I (he) did not get ONE SINGLE FREE PUPPY OR ESPRESSO. I call bullshit on this one.
Oct 31, 2007 at 5:19 pm rating: 0
#99
Mishee
Wow SpaceMonkey, you are way in outer space aren’t you? You posted #95! LOL
Oct 31, 2007 at 5:19 pm rating: 0
#100
WickedLady
At out local hardware store there’s a sign that says “Unattended children come back in pieces.” and I just LOVE that sign.
Oct 31, 2007 at 5:24 pm rating: 0
#101
OJ
Hey, what did you do to the RSS feed?
Oct 31, 2007 at 6:02 pm rating: 0
#102
WickedLady
I’ve been having trouble with the RSS feed too, unfortunately.
Oct 31, 2007 at 6:05 pm rating: 0
#103
WanderingPenguin
re: #96 – Yay! I want an espresso and a free puppy! Thanks, Wicked Lady!
Oct 31, 2007 at 6:28 pm rating: 0
#104
Matt
Unattended children will be fed to the heisa monster.
Oct 31, 2007 at 6:42 pm rating: 0
#105
Erinersss
Espresso and puppies.
It’s what’s for dinner.
Oct 31, 2007 at 6:48 pm rating: 0
#106
SpaceMonkey
Mishee!- When I posted the first time, the post above mine was #92 and ended up being #85, my last post-before this one- was #9- whatever you said. I distinctly remember reading the comments of mike, WP, wade, the dawd, etc. It’s just weird.
Oct 31, 2007 at 6:58 pm rating: 0
#107
Mishee
That is kinda weird… my bad (looks like you posted 10 posts apart then… lol)
Oct 31, 2007 at 7:01 pm rating: 0
#108
SpaceMonkey
Who’s in outer space now?
Oct 31, 2007 at 7:07 pm rating: 0
#109
Wade
SpaceMonkey
I posted #34 and it vanished into cyberspace. I reposted and it was #34 for a while. After about ten minutes the original showed up, shoved the repost to #35 and took over the #34 spot.
I think the combination of a link and a smiley freaks out the WordPress police and/or the PAN Spam Filter.
Oct 31, 2007 at 7:31 pm rating: 0
#110
SpaceMonkey
but….
….I didnt USE any links or smileys
Oct 31, 2007 at 7:57 pm rating: 0
#111
Wade
All I can say is the comment-eating heisa monster is a fickle beast.
Oct 31, 2007 at 8:41 pm rating: 0
#112
Naomi
That is pure awesomeness. XD
Oct 31, 2007 at 8:49 pm rating: 0
#113
Horkin Chunks
Give my kids an espresso and a puppy and they’ll lay waste to your crappy little shop. Then when they crash I’ll take them home & put them to bed. Oh and thanks for the puppy.
Oct 31, 2007 at 9:26 pm rating: +2
#114
Mishee
#108 – I’m just a happy little stoner girl… known to make mistakes! Always in “outer space”
LOL
Oct 31, 2007 at 9:41 pm rating: 0
#115
morpho aurora
#85 (unless the numbers jump around again)
space monkey – my mom had that sign at her house – the crazy neighbor saw it, got offended and quit sending her kids to play every day, all day
Oct 31, 2007 at 9:44 pm rating: 0
#116
Bench
Many years ago I saw a sign in a small record store:
“Unattended children will be towed at owner’s expense”
Oct 31, 2007 at 9:52 pm rating: +1
#117
A.A guy
I have a trunk fullof unattended children.They don’t seem to be making much noise though.
Oct 31, 2007 at 10:15 pm rating: +3
#118
Mishee
Did you drill holes for air AA??? OMG! You forgot to do that!?
Oct 31, 2007 at 10:24 pm rating: 0
#119
claw71
I have a note by my house that reads: Unattended children will be given a tour of my pants.
The tally:
3 tours. 1 unwanted pregnancy. 6 months prison.
Oct 31, 2007 at 10:53 pm rating: 0
#120
Mishee
look on the face of the mother’s as they read the sign: priceless
Oct 31, 2007 at 11:00 pm rating: 0
#121
Mishee
OMG apostrophe abuse! I’m sorry! I’m soooo sorry! Please don’t attack me!
*cowers in corner*
Oct 31, 2007 at 11:01 pm rating: 0
#122
Darcy
I had a friend who worked in a bird shop for years, and theirs said, “Unattended children will be fed to the macaw one finger at a time.”
Nov 1, 2007 at 12:06 am rating: 0
#123
Susan
That has to be the most clever, original sign ever – all NINE of ‘em!!!! You know that’s what the proprietors thought when they made them!
Nov 1, 2007 at 7:49 am rating: 0
#124
claw71
Unattended children will be fed to the C.H.U.D.
Nov 1, 2007 at 8:22 am rating: +1
#125
Wade
ROFL, claw.
C.H.U.D.
There’s a Halloween classic they just don’t show enough of.
Nov 1, 2007 at 9:10 am rating: 0
#126
Andre
Unattended Children will be shot up with codine and fed to a rapid rottweiler
Nov 1, 2007 at 10:05 am rating: 0
#127
Andre
crap, rabid. oh and codeine
i’m leaving now, but I will let the door hit me on my tushie
Nov 1, 2007 at 10:06 am rating: 0
#128
thinking about thinking
Just thinking about thinking says;
I am new to this but love the idea of a place to complain. When my kids were little it was stay by me, keep your hands to yourself and your mouth shut unless you have to pee. Now that the little people are grown and gone I kina like to0 shop, eat ect. in peace. I like the trippin them idea.
Nov 1, 2007 at 10:30 am rating: 0
#129
thinking about thinking
My mother had only one arm and just loved to shake her stump at a child and growl if no one was looking. She must have gave ‘em nightmares.
Nov 1, 2007 at 10:35 am rating: +1
#130
CrpyticQ'sUrnAim
Rapid could work too. I hear it’s all in the chase.
-115 m_a: Totally off topic, but: When I was kid we had some friends with 8 spawns that lived down the street from us. They were HUGE mofo’s too. The mother started all of them on gravy as soon as they turned 4 months. Anywhoo, they were pre-teens when they started making a habit of coming to our house and inviting themselves to the food in our refrigerator. My mother loved to make salsa. She’d roast a Japanese pepper we call ‘piquin’, anyway the smoke itself was enough to water your eyes and it clogged your airway-think mustard gas. She figured out that they couldnt take it (we were raised around so we were immune) so everytime they came over out came the ‘piquin’ and frying pans. Worked like a charm.
Team Unattended Chi’rens Will Get a Cayenne Pepper Rubdown. Particularly in the eyes and other mucus membranes.
Nov 1, 2007 at 10:42 am rating: 0
#131
WanderingPenguin
Hee hee “rapid Rottweiler”.
Don’t know why but that just made me spit coke all ov…. erm, never mind.
Nov 1, 2007 at 12:56 pm rating: 0
#132
unholyghost2003
The “child” in the second to last sign looks like he could use an espresso, if only to wake him long enough to stop sleep masterbating and knock away the puppy that seems to have mounted his right side.
Nov 1, 2007 at 2:51 pm rating: +1
#133
bitchphd
I’ve only seen the sign in my local coffee shop, where I think it’s funny because after all, they *do* serve espresso and they have board games and it seems fair enough to playfully ask customers not to just drop off their kids there to play scrabble while they go to the grocery store (full disclosure: my kid loves that coffeeshop b/c of the games, and the owners are always perfectly nice about his being there). But yes, piled up like in this thread it just becomes irritatingly assholish.
Nov 1, 2007 at 2:56 pm rating: 0
#134
Reno
…unattended children will be given free chocolate. The special ex-lax brand…
Nov 1, 2007 at 7:47 pm rating: 0
#135
goose
Unattended children will be forced to read the comments at PAN.com.
Nov 1, 2007 at 9:38 pm rating: 0
#136
GVI
I’m guessing you are unattented.
Nov 1, 2007 at 10:43 pm rating: 0
#137
Team Cassandra
Its Fucking Delicious!:#3,10,15(with a Band Camp bonus),23 (but its not us),45,and67
What ifs at: #5,6,14,31,32,33,34,36,51,55,and113
Alternatives at:#8,9,28,29,58,62,63,85,96,97,104,116,119,122,124,126,134,and135
Evil Laughter at the expense of innocent children:#10,21,22,27,30,38,39,49,50,68,89,92,117,and129
Grammar Smackdown:#16,25,26,121,127,and130(with a Story!)
Brandon Smackdown begins at:#66(with Brandon),67,69,71,72,74(I think),75,77,79,80,81,86,87,and88(Band Camp bonus – floutist)
Hallowe’en Ideas!:#89
Step into the Twilight Zone:#95,99,106,107,,108,109,111,
Is this true???:#56
I love StrongBad #37,41 – Thanks for reminding me, I’m going there now:)
And I’d never thought I’d see myself type this but: Team Horkin Chunks!
Nov 1, 2007 at 10:47 pm rating: 0
#138
Mishee
TC – I know you have your oh-so-wonderful synopsis but could a name here and there be too much to ask? I had to go to the top of the page, do a CTRL+F for “Mishee”, write down a list of all my comment numbers, and then consult your posting to see if I was mentioned (BTW, yay! I was, like, 3 times!) – I felt like I was either playing the lotto or trying to catch up at bingo!! But I still love your Summarizing and props every day! You rock!
lol
Nov 2, 2007 at 12:22 am rating: 0
#139
Mishee
And in a way, it kinda was like playing the lotto, cause when you are mentioned in a TC post, you have won! But in my opinion the reward is much greater! (ok, I lied about that.. just trying to be nice)
Nov 2, 2007 at 12:23 am rating: 0
#140
doxgukka
i would tell my kid to go in and ask for the espresso and puppy! hahaha ive never ever heard of this before in my life! maybe cause im australian and we dont do silly things like give away shit
Nov 2, 2007 at 12:43 am rating: 0
#141
Mishee
doxgukka – us silly Americans aren’t actually going to give the kids a puppy! what do you take us for? Canadians? (just kidding TC!)
Nov 2, 2007 at 9:36 am rating: 0
#142
Team Cassandra
No, we won’t actually give you anything either…thing is we’d, likely, keep an eye on your kids for you for a while without complaint. When they’re lost for real – we’d apologize profusely and let you know that we did our best to keep our eye on them while we worked our *actual* jobs. In truth, we might even *help* your kids get lost for real, but you’d never be able to prove it:)
Canada. We put the passive in aggression.
Nov 2, 2007 at 10:55 am rating: 0
#143
kelly
you gotta love it….can I post this at my church?
Nov 2, 2007 at 1:42 pm rating: 0
#144
MrWizerd
YES giving espresso to a kid with add would most likely calm them down and make them overly docile.
Nov 2, 2007 at 5:55 pm rating: 0
#145 Unattended Children: A Waste of Good Espresso » Needcoffee.com
[...] Aggressive Notes has an interesting round-up of signs that are supposed to be threats. Don't they know that these days, kids will ditch their folks and wander about for such a [...]
Nov 4, 2007 at 2:24 am rating: 0
#146
Kj
this cracks me up…
Go ahead, give my kids caffeine….
It’ll backfire on you majorly cos caffeine puts my kids to sleep…..
and I love puppies….
Nov 4, 2007 at 3:47 pm rating: 0
#147
Shlosha-esreh
Wow, this sign is awsome. I need it for my place of work, maybe than perants will keep better watch of their kids
Nov 4, 2007 at 7:18 pm rating: 0
#148
Eric C
“Sanctimonious proprietors will have my shoe wedged up their ass.”
Nov 5, 2007 at 12:07 pm rating: 0
#149
Steph
I saw this sign last week at a coffee shop (where it actually makes sense) in Greendale, Wis.
To people who don’t like it: control your children and you won’t have to worry about it! How about that.
Nov 5, 2007 at 2:31 pm rating: 0
#150
WanderingPenguin
Well, exactly, Steph. I have seen this kind of sign – in many, many forms – in several different kinds of establishments both in “real life” and online over the past several years and I am always amazed at the backlash it gets from angry parents. They spout crap like, “that’s what kids do – make noise and cause a stir….I’d like to see [insert proprietor here] raise a couple of kids and try to keep them under control for a whole day at a time”. Why do people assume that just because they don’t have a clue how to raise kids to be respectful of the world around it naturally follows that nobody has a clue?
And here’s another thought: nobody is telling you to keep your kids under control 24/7 – just when you are out and about and need to use your “inside voice”. If you can’t do that much, then take a damned course or something. Seriously, speaking from experience (2 to nearly adulthood), it’s just not that friggin’ hard if you respect people around you.
Hmm. That last phrase makes me think that maybe it is that hard. Respect for others seems to be a lost art everywhere these days – or is that just a city thing?
Nov 5, 2007 at 2:52 pm rating: 0
#151
claw71
In all honesty the signs are just a humorous reminder that the business is not necessarily child-oriented. If you must take a child into a place such as a coffee house or a winery, keep them on a short leash.
Not long ago I stopped at a local pub after an evening soccer game. I wanted a sandwich and afew beers. A buddy of mine made a few crude jokes at our expense but these comments were overheard by a guy behind us who was there with his kids. I was going to apologize before it dawned on me that he made the choice to have a late dinner at a bar with his kids. Screw him. He muttered something about respect to his wife loud enough for me to hear so I leaned back and mentioned that Ci-Ci’s Pizza was right next door.
We didn’t go out of our way to be offensive to him…in fact I think he went out of his way to be offended.
Kids are great but they have their place.
Nov 5, 2007 at 2:56 pm rating: 0
#152
claw71
They should lower the age of consent for unattended children.
Nov 5, 2007 at 2:58 pm rating: 0
#153
Carson
Perhaps the signs could come down if the parents didn’t let their children act like animals.
Are you reading this, Eric C?
Nov 5, 2007 at 5:06 pm rating: 0
#154
KB
Mitsu – are you really that dumb? They’re not implying they INTEND to give away espresso shots and puppies – it’s a veiled threat. Dumbass.
Nov 6, 2007 at 11:46 am rating: 0
#155
Troy McClure
WP, #150: Respect people around me? What would respectable people be doing around me?
Mitsu, looks like you reeled one in at #154. The irony!
Nov 6, 2007 at 6:05 pm rating: 0
#156
WanderingPenguin
So to sum up, KB, 6 1/2 days after the fact you come riding in here to call someone who is not even slightly likely to return to this thread a “dumbass”… and you do so after completely misinterpreting the sarcasm in the original note. How brave and insightful of you!
You have to be the single most pathetic poster I have seen in here since I starting reading the notes. I only wish there was an award we could give you, but then that would only encourage you and your ilk.
Actually, perhaps my note here should have read like this:
“KB – are you really that dumb? She’s not implying that she BELIEVES they will actually give away espresso shots and puppies – it was blatant sarcasm. Dumbass.”
Yeah, that would have read better. Oh well. Tough shit. All I really wanted to say was you’re a jackass.
Nov 6, 2007 at 6:06 pm rating: 0
#157
FREEPOUR
Is this at Paris Hilton’s House of Fun?
Nov 7, 2007 at 10:32 pm rating: 0
#158
Chaely
There’s a sign on the grounds of my state’s renaissance festival that says “unattended children will be imprisoned & sold into slavery” which is only hilarious because they ACTUALLY have a jail nearby where they put missing kids & spouses who don’t appear to be enjoying themselves. To get them out you either have to post bail or they have to dance & sing in front of a crowd of onlookers.
Nov 9, 2007 at 12:29 pm rating: 0
#159
Shieldmaiden96
The picture of tearful children being forced to sing and dance for my amusement will make me smile inside all day.
Dec 7, 2007 at 11:45 am rating: +1
#160
Emilie
I saw one in an ice cream shop that said : Unattended children will be dipped in chocolate and sold…
Dec 11, 2007 at 9:43 pm rating: 0
#161
A visitor
Is that red and white sign hand-written-looking from Flying Fish? (restaurant)
There’s one just like it there, but perhaps they bought it. I was under the impression they made it.
I’ll check next time we go.
Jan 12, 2008 at 4:26 pm rating: 0
#162
A visitor
Excuse me, but contrary to what everyone here thinks, Espresso really is spelled espresso.
So, like all your t-shirt ads say, “joke’s on you”.
According to Wikipedia, “Expresso” is a common misspelling.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Espresso
Jan 12, 2008 at 4:29 pm rating: 0
#163
WanderingPenguin
Hee hee – yeah, I think GW’s was a typo (I read it as “expression” missing an “i”), I didn’t count Kerry’s, there was one talking about how stupid it was to spell it that way and then one person actually spelling it wrong. Add in the two in this last thread and you get 6, of which only 1 is an actual error in the spelling of “espresso”. And the only person to spell it with a capital “E” was… you guessed it: “A Visitor”. So… yeah. What was my point again?
Thanks, you two, for the kudos on the other post. That felt soooooooo good I can’t even begin to describe it.
*sigh* I wish they were all laid in big and fat like that…I think I hit that one 550 feet to the power alley!
Jan 13, 2008 at 1:19 am rating: 0
#164 School is good :) « Hello Jello
[...] sort of persuasive type of paper and it should be around four pages. *** Song Eating is in Style Your Mother Doesn’t Work Here – Pictures [...]
Jan 24, 2008 at 8:38 pm rating: 0
#165
forsoothsayer
as an idea, it’s not a bad one. i hate kids.
Mar 26, 2008 at 8:03 am rating: 0
#166 this clip art must be stopped
[...] this phrase, there are a few irritating little pieces of clip art that keep popping up in submissions over and [...]
Apr 15, 2008 at 7:28 pm rating: 0
#167 stop! in the name of clip art
[...] this phrase, there are a few irritating little pieces of clip art that keep popping up in submissions over and [...]
Apr 15, 2008 at 7:31 pm rating: 0
#168
camille
much better was the sign in a new orleans shoe shop: unattended children will be sold for fema vouchers.
Apr 15, 2008 at 7:54 pm rating: 0
#169
Froggy
Hmmm, you know, the first time I read it I actually thought it was funny… but each repetition just made it less and less so.
However, I still love the one I saw in a shop in Baltimore aeons ago…
“Warning: Unattended Children Will Be Sold.”
Apr 16, 2008 at 11:56 am rating: 0
#170
Izzi
The people that post these signs are annoying as hell. Unattended children may be lost. What ever happened to neighborhoods? I don’t even have kids and I find this rude.
But I would like a free espresso and free puppy. I’ll just act like an unattended child. I’ll bring coloring books and be very polite…
Apr 16, 2008 at 2:44 pm rating: 0
#171
Nancy
My mother’s antique shop used to have a sign that read, “Unattended children will be sold to the gypsies”. I found it rather amusing!
May 21, 2008 at 3:31 pm rating: 0
#172
Amy
I’ve seen this one in a children’s bookstore in San Carlos, CA. And I have to admit I thought it was pretty funny. It’s lost some charm now that I realize they didn’t think of it themselves, unless, of course, they were the original. They do get points for the absence of dopey clip art.
Jun 15, 2008 at 6:38 am rating: 0
#173
Amnell
LOL! My Doctor’s office has that sign up.
Jun 19, 2008 at 12:40 pm rating: 0
#174
fuhuck
Unattended children will be kidnapped and trained to take extremely large objects into their body cavities for the amusement of Asian businessmen in Bangkok.
Sep 3, 2008 at 6:31 pm rating: 0
#175 the rhyme that must be flushed
[...] related: the “your mother doesn’t work here” of the hospitality industry [...]
Dec 9, 2008 at 3:35 pm rating: 0
#176
Gail
How did I never even see this before? Too hilarious.
Dec 10, 2008 at 4:21 pm rating: 0
#177
Aimee
I personally prefer : Unattended children will be given to the circus.
Because espresso wears of, puppies can be given away, but the mental scarring of a traveling circus never really goes away.
Dec 11, 2008 at 6:56 pm rating: +1
#178
anon
What??? My mom has a great sign in her backyard that is more awesome. It says something like “Unattended children will be sold into slavery.”
Dec 22, 2008 at 7:21 pm rating: +2
#179
Miss Lynx
Damn, now I’m disappointed. I had only ever seen this sign once before – a hand-written one, in a bookstore/cafe that’s basically the only cool place in the small Northern Ontario town it’s located in. I thought it was really funny at the time, but had no idea it wasn’t original.
Dec 22, 2008 at 8:04 pm rating: 0
#180
heather em
What i like most about the first sign is the strange knot outline… as if this is a very precarious situation, that could fall to pieces at any moment or get tightly wound. Strange, no?
Feb 1, 2009 at 2:15 am rating: 0
#181
mietwagen
Sehr gute Seite. Ich habe es zu den Favoriten.
Mar 12, 2009 at 5:15 pm rating: 0
#182
Coyote
I wish I had a picture – the laundromat near where my sister lives, in Missouri, says, in large hand-drawn letters:
“Unattended children will be sold into slavery.”
And this well-known tourist attraction/restaurant on Tybee Island, in Georgia, has signs that say “Unattended children will be given a free kitten.”
http://thecrabshack.com/
(The crab shack is also well-known for the large number of cats that live on the premises)
May 11, 2009 at 4:09 am rating: 0
#183
Daniel
I told my kid to ask the shop owner for his puppy, and to scream until he got one.
Aug 7, 2009 at 7:43 am rating: 0
#184 unattended children will be shot.
[...] previously discussed, this cringe-inducing little “witticism” is the scourge of retail stores the world [...]
Sep 13, 2009 at 5:18 pm rating: 0
#185
nick
the thing that got me about the first sign is the knot that the artist has attempted to drawit appears to be an attempt at a reef knot but done so badly i had to recreate what the artist had drawn wist a peice of rope just to prove to myself that if pulled it would simply fall apart. I take knots too seriously
Sep 13, 2009 at 6:33 pm rating: 0
#186 2 notes, 1 cupcake
[...] related: the “your mother doesn’t work here” of the hospitality industry [...]
Sep 15, 2009 at 8:33 pm rating: 0
#187
Insetaendonna
My mom is thinking of doing a reverse mortgage in two years when she turns 62. The house has a tax lien. How would this affect getting the reverse mortgage, if it affects it at all?
When a bank or mortgage company gives you a mortgage against a house, they put a lien on the house. They usually won’t do the deal unless they are the first lien. If there is already a tax lien on the home, the mortgage company would be 2nd in line to be paid if/when the house sells, so they will treat the loan like a 2nd mortgage (even though there is no first mortgage). Being a 2nd mortgage will make it much harder to get the loan, and result in much higher interest rates if you do get the loan.
With that being said, I believe she will be unable to get a reverse mortgage. But I’m not sure.
[url=http://www.subprimealta.com]wholesale mortgage[/url]
Sep 21, 2009 at 5:15 am rating: 0
#188
Insetaendonna
My mom is thinking of doing a reverse mortgage in two years when she turns 62. The house has a tax lien. How would this affect getting the reverse mortgage, if it affects it at all?
When a bank or mortgage company gives you a mortgage against a house, they put a lien on the house. They usually won’t do the deal unless they are the first lien. If there is already a tax lien on the home, the mortgage company would be 2nd in line to be paid if/when the house sells, so they will treat the loan like a 2nd mortgage (even though there is no first mortgage). Being a 2nd mortgage will make it much harder to get the loan, and result in much higher interest rates if you do get the loan.
With that being said, I believe she will be unable to get a reverse mortgage. But I’m not sure.
[url=http://www.subprimealta.com]wholesale mortgage california[/url]
Sep 21, 2009 at 6:25 am rating: 0
#189
Insetaendonna
My mom is thinking of doing a reverse mortgage in two years when she turns 62. The house has a tax lien. How would this affect getting the reverse mortgage, if it affects it at all?
When a bank or mortgage company gives you a mortgage against a house, they put a lien on the house. They usually won’t do the deal unless they are the first lien. If there is already a tax lien on the home, the mortgage company would be 2nd in line to be paid if/when the house sells, so they will treat the loan like a 2nd mortgage (even though there is no first mortgage). Being a 2nd mortgage will make it much harder to get the loan, and result in much higher interest rates if you do get the loan.
With that being said, I believe she will be unable to get a reverse mortgage. But I’m not sure.
[url=http://www.subprimealta.com]wholesale mortgages[/url]
Sep 21, 2009 at 6:48 am rating: 0
#190
Insetaendonna
My mom is thinking of doing a reverse mortgage in two years when she turns 62. The house has a tax lien. How would this affect getting the reverse mortgage, if it affects it at all?
When a bank or mortgage company gives you a mortgage against a house, they put a lien on the house. They usually won’t do the deal unless they are the first lien. If there is already a tax lien on the home, the mortgage company would be 2nd in line to be paid if/when the house sells, so they will treat the loan like a 2nd mortgage (even though there is no first mortgage). Being a 2nd mortgage will make it much harder to get the loan, and result in much higher interest rates if you do get the loan.
With that being said, I believe she will be unable to get a reverse mortgage. But I’m not sure.
[url=http://www.subprimealta.com]wholesale mortgage banker[/url]
Sep 21, 2009 at 7:34 am rating: 0
#191
Insetaendonna
My uncle is thinking of doing a fha mortgage in two years when he turns 62. The home has a tax lien. How would this effect aquiring the loan, if it changes it at all?
When a bank or mortgage co gives people a mortgage against a home, they put a lien on the subject house.
They usually will not do the deal unless they are the first lien. If theyre is already a tax lien on the home, the mortgage co would be second in line to be paid back if when the house is sold, so they will treat the loan like a second mortgage even though there is no first mortgage.
Being a 2nd loan will make it alot harder to get the financing needed, and result in much higher interest rates if you obtain the refi.
With that being addressed, we beleive she will be unable to get a good loan. i just dont know anymore.
Sep 28, 2009 at 12:39 pm rating: 0
#192
electronic cigarette
LOL These warning signs are hilarious.
Oct 24, 2009 at 10:35 pm rating: 0
#193
carrie
my doctor’s office has one of these signs lol
Dec 7, 2009 at 4:26 pm rating: 0
#194
carrie
wow chill dude its just a joke get a life and wtf does perpetuite and foster even mean i mean really talk english its not like you can’t u don’t hav to go off showing off ur education thats just lame ass
Dec 7, 2009 at 4:33 pm rating: 0
#195
pony girl
Well, this is interesting.
More pokey and stabby action.
Maybe it’s the weather? Or maybe everyone is sick and tired of waiting for the new HBO season.
Is it January yet???
Seriously, what is with all the pokey and stabby people?
Dec 7, 2009 at 4:41 pm rating: 0
Leave a Comment