my former roommate eric inspired this roundup (and an overly dramatic round of gagging/hair-pulling/eye-gouging on my part) by passing along a photo of this sign spotted on marco island, florida — though it could have been anywhere on main street, usa. note the small print at top, which reads: “signs sold in our gift shop.”
i think the only thing that could make this sign more irritating would be if it said — shudder — “expresso.”
this sign must be stopped!
reddit!
stumble it!
181 responses so far ↓
#1 Troy McClure
#1 Fur St!
Oct 31, 2007 at 8:48 am rating: 0
#2 Jeff
Weird, I’ve never heard this before. I had no idea it was so ubiquitous. Maybe living in NYC, the kids here already have espresso and puppies that their parents gave them so the threat is empty.
Oct 31, 2007 at 8:50 am rating: +1
#3 Jeff
Oh, and that espresso and puppy were fucking delicious.
Oct 31, 2007 at 8:52 am rating: +1
#4 GhostWriter
And that, my friend, is how those terrible Thai websites get their footage.
Oct 31, 2007 at 8:53 am rating: +1
#5 Katie
What would happen if some clod actually INSISTED that their child get the free puppy?! This is my fear!
Oct 31, 2007 at 8:55 am rating: 0
#6 Jeff
^
HA! I can see the waitress’s (is that correct?) face now “But… but… it’s just a folksy sign, ma’am. We don’t actually have any puppies here.” Chances are a parent who is shitty enough to let their child run wild would be just the person to do that.
Oct 31, 2007 at 8:58 am rating: 0
#7 Mishee
Why the hell would someone take their child with them to a winery?
Troy - your prayer to the PAN God was answered! Good job!
Oct 31, 2007 at 9:03 am rating: 0
#8 ficklegal
I’ll see your espresso/free puppy, and raise you a lifetime supply of pixie sticks.
Oct 31, 2007 at 9:05 am rating: +1
#9 jfruh
The one I’ve seen everywhere lately is a small jar labeled “ashes of problem customers.” Much more straightforwardly aggressive than p-a.
(OK, by “everywhere” I mean “at a local vegan restaurant and at my chiropractor”, but the two locales are disparate enough to indicate a wide trend, yes?)
Oct 31, 2007 at 9:08 am rating: 0
#10 hannibal
Those unattended children were fucking delicious.
Oct 31, 2007 at 9:13 am rating: +2
#11 Mitsu
I’ve seen this sign… It’s a horrible idea! Screaming kids are bad enough, do we really need to give them a shot of espresso? It would also be cruel to the puppy, to give him/her to a hyperactive child.
Team Please Think of the Puppies!
Oct 31, 2007 at 9:14 am rating: 0
#12 Troy McClure
Your daddy’s he’s around here
But has wandered off somewhere
I’ll teach him; would you like to choose
A puppy? We have spare!
And kids normally don’t drink them,
But with sugar these are good
Your parents need to learn
A thing or two about parenthood
One more cup of coffee and a dog
One more cup of coffee and a dog
And you can have it “to go”
Oct 31, 2007 at 9:15 am rating: 0
#13 Elphaba
I’m with the change to a lifetime supply of pixie sticks. Much easier for a child to manage than a burning hot cup of espresso! All the same power to get them hyped up, but none of the 2nd degree burns. Think of the children!
Oct 31, 2007 at 9:16 am rating: +1
#14 lism.
Katie, that’s exactly what would happen in Scotland. “Ah know ma rights. Ahm goin tae the Record.”
But, ugh, how hideously “quirky”.
Oct 31, 2007 at 9:18 am rating: 0
#15 the dawd
This one time in band camp, i was left unattended. My therapist would like it if i talked about the expresso and puppy more, but that puppy was fucking delicious.
Oct 31, 2007 at 9:19 am rating: 0
#16 Troy McClure
Mishee, yeah, what timing! I think it must have been my abject obsequiosity; I think she likes that. (GhostWriter? Are you looking that up??)
Oct 31, 2007 at 9:19 am rating: 0
#17 Mishee
#13 - Or even the childern
Oct 31, 2007 at 9:19 am rating: 0
#18 Troy McClure
Elphaba, I may remember you from such novels as Wicked. You’re the sexiest wrinkly green woman I know!
Oct 31, 2007 at 9:21 am rating: +1
#19 Mishee
I love Wicked… I was so into that book I was reading it at stoplights….
But I digest… back to the notes!
Oct 31, 2007 at 9:24 am rating: 0
#20 pry
i was dangerously close to having submitted this very sign posted outside a downtown toy store. i’m glad i didn’t. i didn’t realize it was so unoriginal.
Oct 31, 2007 at 9:27 am rating: 0
#21 Mitsu
hell, I could use an espresso and a puppy…time to steal it from the unattended child…
Oct 31, 2007 at 9:27 am rating: 0
#22 Strideo
Oh come on!
Isn’t anyone else as freaked out as I am by the fact that the first sign has a small head IN the espresso cup?
Oct 31, 2007 at 9:28 am rating: 0
#23 the dawd
I thought the first sign was in reference to the fucking delicious children. Its like the designer of the sign knew about us…creepy.
Oct 31, 2007 at 9:30 am rating: 0
#24 Troy McClure
Mitsu, are puppies supposed to be “used”?
Anyone can look like a child—think of Mugatu in the “Obey my Dog” scene—the trick is to act like a hyperactive child. For that, coffee helps.
So all you need is a dog and coffee, and you could probably pull it off. Oh, hang on….
Oct 31, 2007 at 9:30 am rating: 0
#25 GhostWriter
Sorry- I had distracted my myself surfing some terrible Thai websites (for note research, of course)
abject obsequiosity - “abject” as in light-reflecting, or white, and “obsequiosity” meaning, protruding sequoia-like wood.
Hey, this is straight from http://www.m-w.com!
Oct 31, 2007 at 9:39 am rating: 0
#26 Troy McClure
Madeup Words dot com?
Oct 31, 2007 at 9:47 am rating: 0
#27 A.A guy
The kid in the coffee cup has that “I’m in the middle of peeing in the pool” look on his face.
Oct 31, 2007 at 9:56 am rating: 0
#28 T-Bone
Other sign suggestions:
If you can’t control your childern, they will be shot.
We love kids, but if they act out, we will sell them into white slavery.
Kids throwing a tantrum? Please take them and get the hell out of here.
Today’s lunch special– Kidz-on-a-stick
Oct 31, 2007 at 9:59 am rating: 0
#29 Troy McClure
I think it was The Chocolate Fish in Wellington where I saw “uncontrolled children will be used in medical experiments”.
Oct 31, 2007 at 10:07 am rating: 0
#30 A.A guy
And the top two appear to be trying to shit their pants.
Oct 31, 2007 at 10:15 am rating: 0
#31 KB
Am I the only one who would be really excited by the concept of an espresso and a free puppy? I wish the offer was real, and that it was for unattended adults.
Oct 31, 2007 at 10:19 am rating: 0
#32 Troy McClure
The third one presents the message as a “gardening tip”. I fail to see how puppies and coffee-drinking children will help your garden … unless … eew.
Oct 31, 2007 at 10:20 am rating: +1
#33 Deborah
I should leave my daughter at one of these places for the day… and then take her and her accumulated puppies to my parents house… for like, the whole next year… *evil grin*
Oct 31, 2007 at 10:23 am rating: 0
#34 Wade
#21
Now Mitsu, you know what happens when you steal from the children:
http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2007/06/04/there-you-go-bringing-him-into-it-again/#more-174
photo #3
Oct 31, 2007 at 10:24 am rating: 0
#35 Wade
if this double-posts, i apologize in advance (damn you, heisa monster!)
#21
Now Mitsu, you know what happens when you steal from the children:
http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2007/06/04/there-you-go-bringing-him-into-it-again/#more-174
ref. photo #3
Oct 31, 2007 at 10:27 am rating: 0
#36 T-Bone
Troy– good suggestion.
“After lunch, visit our latest exhibit– tantrum-throwing kids in formaldehyde-filled jars! Fun for the whole family.”
Oct 31, 2007 at 10:32 am rating: 0
#37 Katy
I would like to quote StrongBad (for some reason)…
“Wave o’ baaaabies!”
“Children!!!!”
Oct 31, 2007 at 10:34 am rating: 0
#38 Wade
#23
Dawd - that would be sign number 5, where the children, espresso and puppies are listed on the Fine Food “Today’s Special”-type chalkboard.
Oct 31, 2007 at 10:35 am rating: 0
#39 FickleGal
Maybe the two kids at the top are upset cause they weren’t chosen to be beheaded and dropped into the espresso.
Oct 31, 2007 at 10:37 am rating: 0
#40 Nightwalker
I don’t seem to get it. Where is the threat in that? Is that a movie quote or something like that?
Oct 31, 2007 at 10:39 am rating: 0
#41 Katy
Ahh, here we go…
http://www.homestarrunner.com/tgs2.html
http://www.homestarrunner.com/tgs6.html
Oct 31, 2007 at 10:42 am rating: 0
#42 Centaurea
Those overused memes were fucking delicious!
Oct 31, 2007 at 10:52 am rating: 0
#43 Mishee
How can a place called “Blackjack Ranch - Vineyard & Winery” expect childern to be attended to for very long?
I guess that’s why they have the sign; an unusually large number of childern wandering around doing tastings and doubling up on 11….
Oct 31, 2007 at 10:53 am rating: 0
#44 Wade
ahh, Katy.
brings back memories of Trogdor, burninating the thatch roof cottages.
good times, good times
Oct 31, 2007 at 10:56 am rating: 0
#45 WanderingPenguin
That apostrophe and space in “TODAY’S FINE FOOD” were fucking delicious.
Oct 31, 2007 at 10:58 am rating: 0
#46 Wade
The sixth photo looks like the cover of a passive-aggressive “I Spy” book.
Oct 31, 2007 at 11:01 am rating: 0
#47 Troy McClure
Or the G & R in FINGERFOOD, maybe?
Oct 31, 2007 at 11:02 am rating: 0
#48 Troy McClure
#43: That’s right Mishee. And threatening the parents isn’t solvang anything.
Oct 31, 2007 at 11:04 am rating: +1
#49 Wade
And the kid in the eighth photo looks like he could use an espresso.
wait! what is that in his hand? Is it an espresso cup, or something else that might have made him, er, “drowsy”.
Oct 31, 2007 at 11:04 am rating: 0
#50 GhostWriter
Dude! forget the expresson- feed those little kids the two hits of Labybug Acid from pic 6!
They’ll be trippin’ OOOOUUUUUUUuuu…
Oct 31, 2007 at 11:09 am rating: 0
#51 Mitsu
#34…True enough…too bad this offer wasn’t for adults. I’d like a cute little puppy and some coffee, please!
Oct 31, 2007 at 11:11 am rating: 0
#52 jen
Bwaaa. My mom has the last one in her small-town dress shop. She also has one that says, “Your husband called. He said to buy whatever you want.”
Oct 31, 2007 at 11:12 am rating: 0
#53 Kim
This sign is made of awesome. I hate when parents leave their brats unattended.
Oct 31, 2007 at 11:16 am rating: 0
#54 Wade
I can’t decide which sign is the most P-A:
The restaurant one(s) with Thank You at the end
or the gardening tip one with Have a Nice Day in light blue ink.
Oct 31, 2007 at 11:19 am rating: 0
#55 adriana
wow, i hope this trend doesn’t continue, I would be forced to groan every time I saw a sign like that
Oct 31, 2007 at 11:23 am rating: 0
#56 GhostWriter
Yahh, there’e this winery that has a sign, “Unattended Children will be given an espresso and a free puppy.” …and they DO IT! They ain’t kiddin’ around!
So I bring my kid and leave him there for about five minutes. I come back, drink the coffee, grab my kid and the puppy- and head over to the Vietnamese Barbeque for a free lunch!
They ain’t kiddn’ around either!
Oct 31, 2007 at 11:24 am rating: 0
#57 Wade
omg, Solvang, CA!
The Danish town. I remember going there as a kid.
As I recall, I received neither espresso nor puppy.
Oct 31, 2007 at 11:24 am rating: 0
#58 mere
“unattended puppies will be given a free child.”
or
“puppies on espresso free to bratty child”
Oct 31, 2007 at 11:26 am rating: 0
#59 WickedLady
Haha, I must say I find this one quite adorable. If I was a kid and I saw that sign, I’d be begging my mom to leave me behind to receive a puppy.
(And I think she would leave me, just to get a free puppy out of it.)
Oct 31, 2007 at 11:30 am rating: 0
#60 Meredith
A sign like this was posted in the waiting room of a funeral home…I found that especially amusing. It’s good to maintain a sense of humor in a time of sorrow and grief, I suppose.
Oct 31, 2007 at 11:41 am rating: 0
#61 WanderingPenguin
Wow - a funeral home/puppy mill/espresso bar. Talk about a small town!
Oct 31, 2007 at 11:50 am rating: 0
#62 Team Cassandra
*I* would change it to a can of Coke and a box full of beads. Kids just won’t drink espresso…and anyone whose had a kid who likes beads will know what I’m talking about. You can always give a puppy away - the only way to find every last bead that kids bring home is first thing in the morning with your bare feet.
Also, if my kid saw that sign she’d lose me in a half-second just to get that puppy. The cool thing is that she’d also bring the espresso to me:)
Oct 31, 2007 at 11:55 am rating: 0
#63 Jen
I think sign 5 would be more effective if they just left it as:
Today’s fine food
Wandering Children
Oct 31, 2007 at 12:49 pm rating: 0
#64 protocrone
hey, don’t they give ADD kids uppers to calm them down? maybe that’s the plan with the espresso…
Oct 31, 2007 at 1:02 pm rating: 0
#65 Cole
I went to a hair salon this past Saturday and saw the same sign in the waiting area. They’re all over the place!
Oct 31, 2007 at 1:04 pm rating: 0
#66 Brandon
How about this:”Team You Are All Idiots”. I can’t believe how utterly stupid these comments are. For one thing, they are not even funny. For another, its the same thing over, and over, AND OVER. Everyone wants to be the first to say something is “fucking delicious”. Well have I got news for you idiots. YOU ARE NOT FUNNY.
Oct 31, 2007 at 1:04 pm rating: 0
#67 Mishee
Brandon’s rant (which none of us care about) was fucking delicious!!
Oct 31, 2007 at 1:08 pm rating: 0
#68 A.A guy
I worked in a restaurant that had herds of charging wildebeast-type children. We had an ongoing ̶