says our anonymous contributor from los angeles: “this is page three (!) of a three-page letter of complaints from my wife’s (ex) office manager to the heads of the company.” apparently one of her coworkers, jake, merited his own page. (no word on how this went over with the bosses.)
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184 responses so far ↓
#1 Andreas
First!
That teabag was fucking delicious too!
Nov 5, 2007 at 10:14 pm rating: 0
#2 A-Town
That flatulence smelled fucking delicious!
Nov 5, 2007 at 10:14 pm rating: 0
#3 WanderingPenguin
Thank God they crossed out “Nora”. I would hate for her to be embarrassed unnecessarily.
Nov 5, 2007 at 10:17 pm rating: 0
#4 WanderingPenguin
If it’s her “ex” office manager (unless she quit) then it would appear we already know how it went over with the bosses.
Nov 5, 2007 at 10:19 pm rating: 0
#5 GVI
I want to see the rest of complaints. Jake is an asshole, i mean come on, farting at work is one thing, but to light a match and all that crap is just overdoing it.
Nov 5, 2007 at 10:19 pm rating: 0
#6 Troy McClure
I think the office manager should not write “he should not eat everything until it is gone rather than allow things to remain available” rather than “he should allow things to remain available rather than eat everything until it is gone.”
Nov 5, 2007 at 10:21 pm rating: 0
#7 Andy
This season on The CW: “The Jake Issues”, starring Jim Belushi as a guy who just doesn’t give a shit.
Nov 5, 2007 at 10:21 pm rating: +1
#8 WanderingPenguin
Don’t know why I didn’t think of this right away: it seems Jake is pretty low on the evolutionary list, but to send such a specific list around in private would seem to me to be….wait for it… “Less Than Jake”.
Too obscure? Dammit.
Nov 5, 2007 at 10:21 pm rating: 0
#9 WanderingPenguin
Wow, Troy - I know exactly what you were getting at as I had the same opinion, but still - reading post #6 just made my head spin!
Nov 5, 2007 at 10:22 pm rating: 0
#10 Canthz_B
In this case Jake is the fat man…with gas!
Nov 5, 2007 at 10:30 pm rating: 0
#11 GVI
Or she could have said “Jake is a greedy bastard, who eats all the damn snacks, his mom doesn’t buy these snacks.”
Nov 5, 2007 at 10:30 pm rating: 0
#12 WanderingPenguin
:O holy wow. I made the “Word! of the Day” section! I knew someone would like that joke.
Nov 5, 2007 at 10:44 pm rating: 0
#13 GVI
Hooray WP!!
Nov 5, 2007 at 10:47 pm rating: 0
#14 Andy
Wow. Where the hell did that section come from? I wouldn’t have been mailing it in, if I knew about that thing.
Nov 5, 2007 at 10:56 pm rating: 0
#15 GVI
It’s new Andy, PANGod put it up today.
Nov 5, 2007 at 10:59 pm rating: 0
#16 Troy McClure
Actually I think maybe the office manager has also worked as a PR officer for the Swell Leader regime in North Korea. The language is the same; for instance, ‘Japan would be well advised to abandon its wicked intention to attain its sinister purpose while talking about someone’s “threat.” It had better behave itself, cogitating over the fact that its moves to hold a military edge in Northeast Asia would only precipitate its own self-destruction.’ Read all you want at http://www.kcna.co.jp/index-e.htm.
Nov 5, 2007 at 11:06 pm rating: 0
#17 WanderingPenguin
Thanks GVI, but I feel kinda badly because anglophile didn’t even get a whole day to enjoy his name in lights.
Nov 5, 2007 at 11:06 pm rating: 0
#18 GVI
I guess the GOD put it up, for the Mishee in all of us.
Nov 5, 2007 at 11:09 pm rating: 0
#19 Troy McClure
I have a feeling Anglophile will be in there a few times yet. Congrats to you both!
Nov 5, 2007 at 11:10 pm rating: 0
#20 Queequeg
Jake: Fat, Loud, Greedy, Smelly, Farty… where do I sign up? He sounds like quite a catch!
Yeah, for the record, farting in public decreases your chances of getting laid by 100%.
Nov 5, 2007 at 11:17 pm rating: 0
#21 Andy
Also, I second GVI — we need the other two pages. If there’s gold like “…he should not eat everything until it is gone rather than allow things to remain available over the course of the day…”, then we’d be happy campers.
That passage is still making me freak out.
Nov 5, 2007 at 11:20 pm rating: 0
#22 Canthz_B
Way to go WP!!!
Nov 5, 2007 at 11:35 pm rating: 0
#23 GVI
That line made me pass out, so i am not going there again.
Nov 5, 2007 at 11:36 pm rating: 0
#24 WanderingPenguin
You are so right, Troy. I think every dawg here will have his/her day ‘ere long.
Ok, CB. Thank you! Whaddya say? Third time’s the charm?
Making this one a short night, folks. See you in the morning…say, around post #273 or so.
Nov 5, 2007 at 11:38 pm rating: 0
#25 Marc
I called it…”The Jake Issues” is the name of my new emo band…
Nov 5, 2007 at 11:38 pm rating: 0
#26 ginger
i used to work with someone just like jake. some folks just brought in munchies on his day off. i’d say poor old minging jake probably has a case for harrassment with this list lol
Nov 5, 2007 at 11:45 pm rating: 0
#27 anna-banana
Reminds me of claw….
Nov 5, 2007 at 11:45 pm rating: 0
#28 lola
I’m betting this note was never even given to Jake (or anyone else for that matter)
it’s just a wet dream of complaints in some brown-noser’s journal
fart away, Jake! as a book I once read as a child was entitled: Everyone Farts
Nov 5, 2007 at 11:50 pm rating: 0
#29 GVI
45 minute rule you bastards.
Nov 5, 2007 at 11:50 pm rating: 0
#30 Mishee
#26 anna - first thing that ran through my mind… OMG, is this guy claw71??? LOL!
Nov 5, 2007 at 11:54 pm rating: 0
#31 Mishee
OMG GVI #18 - that is just too funny!! Maybe one of these days the PAN God will deem me awesome enough to be Word! of the Day!
Nov 5, 2007 at 11:56 pm rating: 0
#32 Mishee
lola, that book is one in the series along with “Everyone Poops” “Everyone Pees” and “Nobody Poops But You and That is Concentrated Evil Coming Out the Backside of You” (Catholic version of Everybody Poops)
Nov 5, 2007 at 11:57 pm rating: 0
#33 Troy McClure
Can someone else do yankovic duty today? I’m struggling for inspiration. I considered My Fart Will Go On but I don’t actually know the tune.
Nov 5, 2007 at 11:59 pm rating: 0
#34 Troy McClure
Mishee, that’s hilarious! Reminds me of something … I’ll see if I can find it ….
Nov 6, 2007 at 12:01 am rating: 0
#35 Mishee
Here’s the tune for ya Troy
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uO_vFuzPJvc
Nov 6, 2007 at 12:04 am rating: 0
#36 Katy
I despise people who yell into the phone. Unless it’s the shittiest connetion ever or you’re calling for help on the dark side of the moon, no yelling. It’s a modern piece of technology, damn it!
Team Nora!!!
Nov 6, 2007 at 12:08 am rating: 0
#37 Mishee
Troy, alas, as much as I would love to take credit and Praise from Cesear, I got that one from Family Guy… Potty training episode.
Damn!
Maybe next time…
Nov 6, 2007 at 12:14 am rating: 0
#38 lola
Mishee - you watch WAY too much damned TV!
It may be time we do an intervention
Nov 6, 2007 at 12:18 am rating: 0
#39 Mishee
P.S. TV Is Life
Nov 6, 2007 at 12:19 am rating: 0
#40 Wade
Jake was teabagging while cupping… and others may want it but he has already eaten … say what?!?
Nov 6, 2007 at 12:24 am rating: 0
#41 A.A guy
Now about the farting(love that word..makes me laugh) and the matches….If the matches were used after said gaseous expulsion,well that’s okay(see a guys guide to questionable odors) but if he was publicly blue-flaming it that is definetly crossing a line.
Nov 6, 2007 at 12:29 am rating: 0
#42 Wade
AA - I thought the same thing. yeesh.
Nov 6, 2007 at 12:32 am rating: 0
#43 Troy McClure
Mishee, #34: hey, I try to give of myself here on PAN, and some sacrifice is necessary, but I am not watching that!
Nov 6, 2007 at 12:36 am rating: 0
#44 Mr DeBakey
A package of oatmeal?
“Hey everyone, gather ’round, we’ve a new case of Oatmeal! Who would like one? Get’em while they’re hot. Get ‘em while you can…”
Nov 6, 2007 at 12:36 am rating: 0
#45 Mishee
Family Guy rules Troy…!
Nov 6, 2007 at 12:41 am rating: 0
#46 morpho aurora
the ex mgr needs to stop writing 3 page letters. she also needs to be mindful of her whining volume.
if she keeps this up, one day she will be the late office manager instead of the ex.
#39 - rofl thank you wade
Nov 6, 2007 at 12:42 am rating: 0
#47 Troy McClure
Oh yeah, I’ll watch all the Family Guy you like; it’s the Celine Dion I was objecting to.
Nov 6, 2007 at 12:43 am rating: 0
#48 A.A guy
I wonder if perhaps there is a connection between the oatmeal and Jakes’ air biscuit problem.I’ll bet Black Beauty launched a few killers.
Nov 6, 2007 at 12:48 am rating: 0
#49 anglophile
I’ve noticed a distinct jumpiness among office managers since the Great Tea and Oatmeal Shortage of ‘03. Things get real ugly when you run out of Red Zinger. And you learn to move fast if you want the Maple Brown Sugar oatmeal. If you’re too slow, you have to settle for Peaches and Cream. Bad morale in the office.
Possibly the over-consumption of tea and oatmeal is causing Jake some gastric difficulties?
Nov 6, 2007 at 12:50 am rating: 0
#50 Mishee
Troy - ok, sorry about that. TC keeps apologizing for her on behalf of Canada - I promise it will never happen again.
Nov 6, 2007 at 12:52 am rating: 0
#51 T-Bone
This note is reads like the teacher’s comments on my kindergarten report card.
Nov 6, 2007 at 1:11 am rating: 0
#52 Wade
anglophile
It may affect his hearing as well, thus the loud phone conversations.
Gastric difficulties could also explain the pacing.
Nov 6, 2007 at 1:13 am rating: 0
#53 anglophile
Really, it seems somewhat churlish to complain about what is obviously a rash of connected medical problems. I think Jake needs to get a hold of a labor-rights lawyer STAT.
Nov 6, 2007 at 1:17 am rating: 0
#54 morpho aurora
Coke - well i was gonna, but i’m drinking coke and finishing the sentence that way just didn’t look right
and your girl is too cute - i’m thinking from her expression that she wasn’t supposed to be anywhere near the pixie stix?
Nov 6, 2007 at 1:23 am rating: 0
#55 Coke-aholic
Man, the whole world really does hate that Peaches and Cream oatmeal.
Air biscuits? Black Beauty? Hilarious!
Nov 6, 2007 at 1:36 am rating: 0
#56 hannibal
Oh man. Team Office. I hate people like Jake; they should be eradicated. Pacing and yelling–why?!
Nov 6, 2007 at 4:25 am rating: 0
#57 ian in hamburg
I once had a colleague named Jake
Who farted with hardly a break
He’d yell on the phone
And make us all moan
Then eat all the things he could take.
Nov 6, 2007 at 7:11 am rating: 0
#58 Misplaced
If he is lighting a match to cover the smell then I agree that it’s obnoxious but if he is, in fact, lighting his farts then that could be construed as “team building”
Nov 6, 2007 at 7:26 am rating: 0
#59 BoggyWoggy
This was all so good until #29 joined in.
GVI’s comment was so true. Ick.
I wonder what Jake smells like when he sleeps? I’ve heard that folks who fart a lot during daylight basically empty their entire gaseous bowel system at night while relaxed.
He’s the type of person who would toot under the covers and then make his partner smell it!
Gross!
Nov 6, 2007 at 8:00 am rating: 0
#60 Troy McClure
#57: Sehr gut! (Wen das etwas bedeuten.)
Nov 6, 2007 at 9:07 am rating: 0
#61 Mishee
Seems a little suspicious that claw didn’t show up and ramble on for this post… Guilty Conscience I bet!
Nov 6, 2007 at 9:09 am rating: 0
#62 tweedle
How does that Kenny Rogers song go?
“Everyone considered him the scavenger of the office..”
Nov 6, 2007 at 9:10 am rating: 0
#63 A.A guy
Who would want to eat flatuence coated snacks?I say let Jake recyle all that methane himself and the rest of you go out for sushi.
Nov 6, 2007 at 9:15 am rating: 0
#64 Mitsu
Wow. This guy seems like one of those typical sitcom guys…or Peter from Family Guy… Loud, gassy and inconsiderate. Maybe Jake is a talking pig?
Nov 6, 2007 at 9:16 am rating: 0
#65 Mitsu
Jake’s contributing to global warming!!! He’s releasing greenhouse gases!!
Nov 6, 2007 at 9:16 am rating: 0
#66 Mitsu
I’m gonna call the EPA on his ass!!
Nov 6, 2007 at 9:18 am rating: 0
#67 Troy McClure
On his ass. Nice!
Nov 6, 2007 at 9:20 am rating: 0
#68 A.A guy
I also don’t understand why Jake insists on playing the saxaphone while Nora is at her desk.Isn’t one horn in Jakes repertoire enough?
Nov 6, 2007 at 9:22 am rating: 0
#69 Mitsu
True. I just think he should go see a doctor about his excessive flatulence.
Nov 6, 2007 at 9:26 am