says our anonymous contributor from los angeles: “this is page three (!) of a three-page letter of complaints from my wife’s (ex) office manager to the heads of the company.” apparently one of her coworkers, jake, merited his own page. (no word on how this went over with the bosses.)
click to enlarge!
184 responses so far ↓
#1
Andreas
First!
That teabag was fucking delicious too!
Nov 5, 2007 at 10:14 pm rating: 0
#2
A-Town
That flatulence smelled fucking delicious!
Nov 5, 2007 at 10:14 pm rating: 0
#3
WanderingPenguin
Thank God they crossed out “Nora”. I would hate for her to be embarrassed unnecessarily.
Nov 5, 2007 at 10:17 pm rating: +3
#4
WanderingPenguin
If it’s her “ex” office manager (unless she quit) then it would appear we already know how it went over with the bosses.
Nov 5, 2007 at 10:19 pm rating: 0
#5
GVI
I want to see the rest of complaints. Jake is an asshole, i mean come on, farting at work is one thing, but to light a match and all that crap is just overdoing it.
Nov 5, 2007 at 10:19 pm rating: 0
#6
Troy McClure
I think the office manager should not write “he should not eat everything until it is gone rather than allow things to remain available” rather than “he should allow things to remain available rather than eat everything until it is gone.”
Nov 5, 2007 at 10:21 pm rating: +4
#7
Andy
This season on The CW: “The Jake Issues”, starring Jim Belushi as a guy who just doesn’t give a shit.
Nov 5, 2007 at 10:21 pm rating: +2
#8
WanderingPenguin
Don’t know why I didn’t think of this right away: it seems Jake is pretty low on the evolutionary list, but to send such a specific list around in private would seem to me to be….wait for it… “Less Than Jake”.
Too obscure? Dammit.
Nov 5, 2007 at 10:21 pm rating: +7
#9
WanderingPenguin
Wow, Troy – I know exactly what you were getting at as I had the same opinion, but still – reading post #6 just made my head spin!
Nov 5, 2007 at 10:22 pm rating: 0
#10
Canthz_B
In this case Jake is the fat man…with gas!
Nov 5, 2007 at 10:30 pm rating: 0
#11
GVI
Or she could have said “Jake is a greedy bastard, who eats all the damn snacks, his mom doesn’t buy these snacks.”
Nov 5, 2007 at 10:30 pm rating: 0
#12
WanderingPenguin
:O holy wow. I made the “Word! of the Day” section! I knew someone would like that joke.
Nov 5, 2007 at 10:44 pm rating: 0
#13
GVI
Hooray WP!!
Nov 5, 2007 at 10:47 pm rating: 0
#14
Andy
Wow. Where the hell did that section come from? I wouldn’t have been mailing it in, if I knew about that thing.
Nov 5, 2007 at 10:56 pm rating: 0
#15
GVI
It’s new Andy, PANGod put it up today.
Nov 5, 2007 at 10:59 pm rating: 0
#16
Troy McClure
Actually I think maybe the office manager has also worked as a PR officer for the Swell Leader regime in North Korea. The language is the same; for instance, ‘Japan would be well advised to abandon its wicked intention to attain its sinister purpose while talking about someone’s “threat.” It had better behave itself, cogitating over the fact that its moves to hold a military edge in Northeast Asia would only precipitate its own self-destruction.’ Read all you want at http://www.kcna.co.jp/index-e.htm.
Nov 5, 2007 at 11:06 pm rating: 0
#17
WanderingPenguin
Thanks GVI, but I feel kinda badly because anglophile didn’t even get a whole day to enjoy his name in lights.
Nov 5, 2007 at 11:06 pm rating: 0
#18
GVI
I guess the GOD put it up, for the Mishee in all of us.
Nov 5, 2007 at 11:09 pm rating: 0
#19
Troy McClure
I have a feeling Anglophile will be in there a few times yet. Congrats to you both!
Nov 5, 2007 at 11:10 pm rating: 0
#20
Queequeg
Jake: Fat, Loud, Greedy, Smelly, Farty… where do I sign up? He sounds like quite a catch!
Yeah, for the record, farting in public decreases your chances of getting laid by 100%.
Nov 5, 2007 at 11:17 pm rating: 0
#21
Andy
Also, I second GVI — we need the other two pages. If there’s gold like “…he should not eat everything until it is gone rather than allow things to remain available over the course of the day…”, then we’d be happy campers.
That passage is still making me freak out.
Nov 5, 2007 at 11:20 pm rating: 0
#22
Canthz_B
Way to go WP!!!
Nov 5, 2007 at 11:35 pm rating: 0
#23
GVI
That line made me pass out, so i am not going there again.
Nov 5, 2007 at 11:36 pm rating: 0
#24
WanderingPenguin
You are so right, Troy. I think every dawg here will have his/her day ‘ere long.
Ok, CB. Thank you! Whaddya say? Third time’s the charm?
Making this one a short night, folks. See you in the morning…say, around post #273 or so.
Nov 5, 2007 at 11:38 pm rating: 0
#25
Marc
I called it…”The Jake Issues” is the name of my new emo band…
Nov 5, 2007 at 11:38 pm rating: 0
#26
ginger
i used to work with someone just like jake. some folks just brought in munchies on his day off. i’d say poor old minging jake probably has a case for harrassment with this list lol
Nov 5, 2007 at 11:45 pm rating: 0
#27
anna-banana
Reminds me of claw….
Nov 5, 2007 at 11:45 pm rating: 0
#28
lola
I’m betting this note was never even given to Jake (or anyone else for that matter)
it’s just a wet dream of complaints in some brown-noser’s journal
fart away, Jake! as a book I once read as a child was entitled: Everyone Farts
Nov 5, 2007 at 11:50 pm rating: 0
#29
GVI
45 minute rule you bastards.
Nov 5, 2007 at 11:50 pm rating: 0
#30
Mishee
#26 anna – first thing that ran through my mind… OMG, is this guy claw71??? LOL!
Nov 5, 2007 at 11:54 pm rating: 0
#31
Mishee
OMG GVI #18 – that is just too funny!! Maybe one of these days the PAN God will deem me awesome enough to be Word! of the Day!
Nov 5, 2007 at 11:56 pm rating: 0
#32
Mishee
lola, that book is one in the series along with “Everyone Poops” “Everyone Pees” and “Nobody Poops But You and That is Concentrated Evil Coming Out the Backside of You” (Catholic version of Everybody Poops)
Nov 5, 2007 at 11:57 pm rating: 0
#33
Troy McClure
Can someone else do yankovic duty today? I’m struggling for inspiration. I considered My Fart Will Go On but I don’t actually know the tune.
Nov 5, 2007 at 11:59 pm rating: 0
#34
Troy McClure
Mishee, that’s hilarious! Reminds me of something … I’ll see if I can find it ….
Nov 6, 2007 at 12:01 am rating: 0
#35
Mishee
Here’s the tune for ya Troy
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uO_vFuzPJvc
Nov 6, 2007 at 12:04 am rating: 0
#36
Katy
I despise people who yell into the phone. Unless it’s the shittiest connetion ever or you’re calling for help on the dark side of the moon, no yelling. It’s a modern piece of technology, damn it!
Team Nora!!!
Nov 6, 2007 at 12:08 am rating: 0
#37
Mishee
Troy, alas, as much as I would love to take credit and Praise from Cesear, I got that one from Family Guy… Potty training episode.
Damn!
Maybe next time…
Nov 6, 2007 at 12:14 am rating: 0
#38
lola
Mishee – you watch WAY too much damned TV!
It may be time we do an intervention
Nov 6, 2007 at 12:18 am rating: 0
#39
Mishee
P.S. TV Is Life
Nov 6, 2007 at 12:19 am rating: 0
#40
Wade
Jake was teabagging while cupping… and others may want it but he has already eaten … say what?!?
Nov 6, 2007 at 12:24 am rating: 0
#41
A.A guy
Now about the farting(love that word..makes me laugh) and the matches….If the matches were used after said gaseous expulsion,well that’s okay(see a guys guide to questionable odors) but if he was publicly blue-flaming it that is definetly crossing a line.
Nov 6, 2007 at 12:29 am rating: 0
#42
Wade
AA – I thought the same thing. yeesh.
Nov 6, 2007 at 12:32 am rating: 0
#43
Troy McClure
Mishee, #34: hey, I try to give of myself here on PAN, and some sacrifice is necessary, but I am not watching that!
Nov 6, 2007 at 12:36 am rating: 0
#44
Mr DeBakey
A package of oatmeal?
“Hey everyone, gather ’round, we’ve a new case of Oatmeal! Who would like one? Get’em while they’re hot. Get ‘em while you can…”
Nov 6, 2007 at 12:36 am rating: 0
#45
Mishee
Family Guy rules Troy…!
Nov 6, 2007 at 12:41 am rating: 0
#46
morpho aurora
the ex mgr needs to stop writing 3 page letters. she also needs to be mindful of her whining volume.
if she keeps this up, one day she will be the late office manager instead of the ex.
#39 – rofl thank you wade
Nov 6, 2007 at 12:42 am rating: 0
#47
Troy McClure
Oh yeah, I’ll watch all the Family Guy you like; it’s the Celine Dion I was objecting to.
Nov 6, 2007 at 12:43 am rating: 0
#48
A.A guy
I wonder if perhaps there is a connection between the oatmeal and Jakes’ air biscuit problem.I’ll bet Black Beauty launched a few killers.
Nov 6, 2007 at 12:48 am rating: 0
#49
anglophile
I’ve noticed a distinct jumpiness among office managers since the Great Tea and Oatmeal Shortage of ‘03. Things get real ugly when you run out of Red Zinger. And you learn to move fast if you want the Maple Brown Sugar oatmeal. If you’re too slow, you have to settle for Peaches and Cream. Bad morale in the office.
Possibly the over-consumption of tea and oatmeal is causing Jake some gastric difficulties?
Nov 6, 2007 at 12:50 am rating: 0
#50
Mishee
Troy – ok, sorry about that. TC keeps apologizing for her on behalf of Canada – I promise it will never happen again.
Nov 6, 2007 at 12:52 am rating: 0
#51
T-Bone
This note is reads like the teacher’s comments on my kindergarten report card.
Nov 6, 2007 at 1:11 am rating: 0
#52
Wade
anglophile
It may affect his hearing as well, thus the loud phone conversations.
Gastric difficulties could also explain the pacing.
Nov 6, 2007 at 1:13 am rating: 0
#53
anglophile
Really, it seems somewhat churlish to complain about what is obviously a rash of connected medical problems. I think Jake needs to get a hold of a labor-rights lawyer STAT.
Nov 6, 2007 at 1:17 am rating: 0
#54
morpho aurora
Coke – well i was gonna, but i’m drinking coke and finishing the sentence that way just didn’t look right
and your girl is too cute – i’m thinking from her expression that she wasn’t supposed to be anywhere near the pixie stix?
Nov 6, 2007 at 1:23 am rating: 0
#55
Coke-aholic
Man, the whole world really does hate that Peaches and Cream oatmeal.
Air biscuits? Black Beauty? Hilarious!
Nov 6, 2007 at 1:36 am rating: 0
#56
hannibal
Oh man. Team Office. I hate people like Jake; they should be eradicated. Pacing and yelling–why?!
Nov 6, 2007 at 4:25 am rating: 0
#57
ian in hamburg
I once had a colleague named Jake
Who farted with hardly a break
He’d yell on the phone
And make us all moan
Then eat all the things he could take.
Nov 6, 2007 at 7:11 am rating: 0
#58
Misplaced
If he is lighting a match to cover the smell then I agree that it’s obnoxious but if he is, in fact, lighting his farts then that could be construed as “team building”
Nov 6, 2007 at 7:26 am rating: 0
#59
BoggyWoggy
This was all so good until #29 joined in.
GVI’s comment was so true. Ick.
I wonder what Jake smells like when he sleeps? I’ve heard that folks who fart a lot during daylight basically empty their entire gaseous bowel system at night while relaxed.
He’s the type of person who would toot under the covers and then make his partner smell it!
Gross!
Nov 6, 2007 at 8:00 am rating: 0
#60
Troy McClure
#57: Sehr gut! (Wen das etwas bedeuten.)
Nov 6, 2007 at 9:07 am rating: 0
#61
Mishee
Seems a little suspicious that claw didn’t show up and ramble on for this post… Guilty Conscience I bet!
Nov 6, 2007 at 9:09 am rating: 0
#62
tweedle
How does that Kenny Rogers song go?
“Everyone considered him the scavenger of the office..”
Nov 6, 2007 at 9:10 am rating: 0
#63
A.A guy
Who would want to eat flatuence coated snacks?I say let Jake recyle all that methane himself and the rest of you go out for sushi.
Nov 6, 2007 at 9:15 am rating: 0
#64
Mitsu
Wow. This guy seems like one of those typical sitcom guys…or Peter from Family Guy… Loud, gassy and inconsiderate. Maybe Jake is a talking pig?
Nov 6, 2007 at 9:16 am rating: 0
#65
Mitsu
Jake’s contributing to global warming!!! He’s releasing greenhouse gases!!
Nov 6, 2007 at 9:16 am rating: 0
#66
Mitsu
I’m gonna call the EPA on his ass!!
Nov 6, 2007 at 9:18 am rating: 0
#67
Troy McClure
On his ass. Nice!
Nov 6, 2007 at 9:20 am rating: 0
#68
A.A guy
I also don’t understand why Jake insists on playing the saxaphone while Nora is at her desk.Isn’t one horn in Jakes repertoire enough?
Nov 6, 2007 at 9:22 am rating: 0
#69
Mitsu
True. I just think he should go see a doctor about his excessive flatulence.
Nov 6, 2007 at 9:26 am rating: 0
#70
Mitsu
I don’t know, but a clump of cat hair seems to get a lot more commnets than a letter about a loud fart guy.
Nov 6, 2007 at 9:27 am rating: 0
#71
Mitsu
Meow.
Nov 6, 2007 at 9:30 am rating: 0
#72
DrAstroZoom
“Air biscuit” almost made me cry.
Nov 6, 2007 at 9:31 am rating: 0
#73
Mishee
The cat hair clump came at a bad time when we were starving for ANYTHING new… I think this is one of the best notes we have gotten in a while.
I used to work at Fred Meyer Corp Office, and one man in our dept was unusually large, and my co-worker once told me she had to complain about him because he came to talk to her in her cube one day and it was all she could do not to regurgitate to no extent because all she could smell was his scrotum. Ewwwww….
Team Nasty office people need to be TOLD – We all have to share this space!
Nov 6, 2007 at 9:37 am rating: 0
#74
Troy McClure
Dammit Mitsu you gave away the punchline of my joke: “What do a cat and a caveman who just bumped his head on the roof of his cave have to talk about?”
Nov 6, 2007 at 9:38 am rating: 0
#75
Wade
I think the speakerphone abuse in cubicle land may be more obnoxious than the flatulence. At least flatulence dissipates.
Nov 6, 2007 at 9:42 am rating: 0
#76
Kelly
I like that he went to the higher-ups about these ridiculous issues rather than talking to Jake himself.
What exactly is the office manager’s job? Shouldn’t he be taking care of this instead of whining to the heads of the company about such petty stuff as farting and talking too loud on the phone?
Also, I used to sit right across from someone like this at a previous job. This guy would belch incredibly loudly – you know those gross burps that sound like the person is half-vomitting? Yeah that. Plus he was an idiot who started every sentence with “dude,” and talked really loudly on the phone to his “Nana.”
Nov 6, 2007 at 9:42 am rating: 0
#77
Troy McClure
If flatulence dissipated at 300 metres per second, like speakerphone abuse, I think it would be less of a constant issue.
Nov 6, 2007 at 9:44 am rating: 0
#78
Mitsu
Troy, what was the punchline? Meow? ( I know, I’m a bit slow when it comes to jokes)
Nov 6, 2007 at 9:45 am rating: 0
#79
WickedLady
#43, Troy: What’s wrong with Celine Dion? I happen to love that song. Love the movie too.
Today in class we had this new guy. One of my friends was sick, so he had to sit next to me. The guy was farting too, it was disgusting. Also he would turn around and pant in my face. He had a terrible breath too. That was the longest hour of my life.
Nov 6, 2007 at 9:55 am rating: 0
#80
Wade
with apologies to Office Space
Office Manager: Jake Waddams.
VP 1: Who’s he?
Office Manager: You know, squirrely looking guy, farts a lot. Eats all the oatmeal.
VP 1: Oh, yeah.
VP 2: Yeah, we can’t actually find a record of him being a current employee here.
VP 1: I looked into it more deeply and I found that apparently what happened is that he was laid off five years ago and no one could ever through on his speakerphone and tell him about it; but through some kind of glitch in the payroll department, he still gets a paycheck.
VP 2: So we just went ahead and fixed the glitch.
Office Manager: Great. So, uh, Jake has been let go?
VP 2: Well, just a second there, professor. We, uh, we fixed the *glitch*. So he won’t be receiving a paycheck anymore, so it’ll just work itself out naturally.
VP 1: We always like to avoid confrontation, whenever possible. Problem is solved from your end.
Nov 6, 2007 at 9:55 am rating: +1
#81
Wade
Mitsu
cat Meow
caveman Me Ow!
Nov 6, 2007 at 9:57 am rating: 0
#82
A.A guy
Took me a minute too Mitsu………Me – OW (ouch)
A groaner ,but I’m certainly not one to talk.
Nov 6, 2007 at 10:03 am rating: 0
#83
GhostWriter
Team Jake!
…but only because I found this note crumpled up in the Boss’s trash:
My Office Issues
1. Everybody needs to stop secretly adding FiberShure to my coffee and sodas while I am making copies. This is now a six-month-old joke, and it’s getting old. The only person laughing about this anymore is Corky, who I suspect is the main culprit.
2. In a related note, it is cruel to call my sales number when you know the FiberShure is kicking in. Three times last week, I was trapped on a call at my desk, pacing, sweating, trying desperately to wrap up and head to the men’s room, only to read back the buyer’s name and realize it is “Heywood Jablowme” …for the third time!
3. Everybody needs to stop taking/hiding/dumping my Weight-B-Gone meals. They are expensive and I am trying to improve my weight problem. The other day I overheard Corky whispering, “I put out a year-old fruitcake- let’s see if he eats it.” Of course I’m going to eat it- what choice do I have? Last Friday there was a big office hub-bub about, “Who ate all the wasabi peas?” Everybody knew where they went. Do you think I enjoyed my belly full of wasabi peas? That was my only lunch, and I felt it into Saturday evening.
Geez, I feel sorry for the guy!
Nov 6, 2007 at 10:03 am rating: 0
#84
Wade
OMG, WP!!!
LMAO!!!
Nov 6, 2007 at 10:05 am rating: 0
#85
Wade
And by WP I of course meant GW!
Nov 6, 2007 at 10:06 am rating: 0
#86
WanderingPenguin
#79: Hang on – you “love” Celine Dion….and Titanic?
We may need to take a vote to see if you should even be allowed to post here any more!
Nov 6, 2007 at 10:08 am rating: 0
#87
WanderingPenguin
That’s ok, Wade, they’re next to each other on the keyboard. Sorta. Well, ok, They’re on the same keyboard.
Nov 6, 2007 at 10:09 am rating: 0
#88
WickedLady
Nov 6, 2007 at 10:10 am rating: 0
#89
WickedLady
Besides, I gave you a free puppy!
Nov 6, 2007 at 10:12 am rating: 0
#90
WanderingPenguin
Well, I’ll tell ya – it would help a lot more if you at least were old and half-deaf. We’re going to have to think about this one.
Nov 6, 2007 at 10:13 am rating: 0
#91
K-Tron
WP: The Less Than Jake reference was beautiful. Hats off to you.
Nov 6, 2007 at 10:13 am rating: 0
#92
Ariadne
I used to work 3 cubicles away from a heavy guy who was trying to lose weight on the “Cabbage Soup Diet”. 3 cubicles away was not far enough to escape the stench that the cabbage produced in his digestive tract.
Nov 6, 2007 at 10:20 am rating: 0
#93
WickedLady
Oh, what misery has come to me?
Every day I’d come home to see
PA notes and comments galore
Every funny line made me laugh even more
Now banned from such beauty I’ll be
Nov 6, 2007 at 10:20 am rating: 0
#94
WanderingPenguin
Troy, not sure if this is what you had in mind, but I saw your cry for help and thought I’d do what I could:
The Ballad of Jake Loudbottom
Come and listen to a story ’bout a man named Jake
Poor office worker always took all he could take
Then one day he was pacin’ all around,
And up from his belly come a gurglin’ sound
(Flatulence, that is, from the oatmeal… & Earl Grey tea)
Well the first thing you know old Jake’s a fartin’ strong
Co-workers said, “Jake! Move your ass along!”
Said, “Human Resource is the place you oughta be,”
So they typed a three-page memo which they sent to all VPs
(Suits that is, big ol’ desks, office bars)
Well now it’s time to say goodbye to loudly-talking Jake
Maybe then we’d all get back to normal coffee breaks
So light a match to poor ol’ Jake that foul-smelling cuss
And now he’s gone there may be Twinkies for the rest of us!
(Backstabbers, that’s what they call ‘em,
But to your face they’ll say: “Y’all come back now, ya hear?”)
Whaddya think?
Nov 6, 2007 at 10:29 am rating: 0
#95
Wade
Oh, and WP love your “word”
LMAO 2.o
Nov 6, 2007 at 10:30 am rating: 0
#96
WanderingPenguin
Ok, ok WL – you can stay. That was nice.
Thanks, K-Tron. Believe me, when I typed it in I thought I might be the only one who found it funny – but that’s a normal day for me, so what the hell!
Ariadne – my better half tells exactly the same story. That diet should be banned from all offices, I think!
Nov 6, 2007 at 10:32 am rating: 0
#97
Wade
WP
Nice!
Nov 6, 2007 at 10:33 am rating: 0
#98
Q
I want to see the other 2 pages!
Nov 6, 2007 at 10:33 am rating: 0
#99
WickedLady
Whoohoo!
This deserves a victory dance, let me put on some music. How about Celi.. Uhm, I mean.. Let’s dance in silence.
Nov 6, 2007 at 10:34 am rating: 0
#100
Zsa
dont worry WickedLady– no one has actually voted you off the island yet!
Nov 6, 2007 at 10:35 am rating: 0
#101
WickedLady
This is an island?
Nov 6, 2007 at 10:36 am rating: 0
#102
WanderingPenguin
See? I think this is exactly what Kerry thought might happen if the “Word! of the Day” section was added. These comments are brilliant today. Wade and GW’s were coke-spittingly funny. I have to admit, I thought my band of reference – despite their many albums – was more obscure than they turned out to be. I’m pleased to discover that, since I am a fan of their stuff.
Bravo, everyone, and “Thanks, Ter….erm, Kerry!”
Nov 6, 2007 at 10:37 am rating: 0
#103
Zsa
yes, with magical polar bears and horses. And you crashed here~ in your dreams~
Nov 6, 2007 at 10:37 am rating: 0
#104
WanderingPenguin
Thanks, Wade! “2.0″ even!
re: #98 – excellent job, WL. See? We can all get along! Just back away from the Celine Dion and nobody gets hurt….
Nov 6, 2007 at 10:39 am rating: 0
#105
Wade
Shhh, Zsa
No one knows this is where the plot for Lost comes from…. oops.
Nov 6, 2007 at 10:41 am rating: 0
#106
Wade
Yay! It’s crazy italics day again!
Nov 6, 2007 at 10:42 am rating: 0
#107
WanderingPenguin
Wade
That HTML code was fuc….. erm, never mind.
Nov 6, 2007 at 10:42 am rating: 0
#108
unholyghost2003
#63 If they all get Sushi is it not a given that Jake will steal it from the office fridge? Especially if it is Trader Joe’s…
Nov 6, 2007 at 10:43 am rating: 0
#109
the dawd
does anyone know what happened to Jake’s stapler?
Nov 6, 2007 at 10:43 am rating: 0
#110
WanderingPenguin
LMAO @ “crazy italics day”
Nice one. Seriously, I can barely type here I’m laughing so hard.
Nov 6, 2007 at 10:44 am rating: 0
#111
WanderingPenguin
I think he lost it at band camp this one year, dawd.
Nov 6, 2007 at 10:44 am rating: 0
#112
Wade
Hey WP
I hope the laughing will keep you warm today, lol.
Nov 6, 2007 at 10:47 am rating: 0
#113
Idman
(Covertly smelling scrotum to make sure no bad smells are emitting from his nether regions…..)
Yes, the pacing is directly related to the farts. Remember the old “Mall Fake Out” where you’re in a store, make a fart, and move briskly away from the scene of the crime, doing your best to implicate the much slower moving old lady who has the misfortune of standing behind you.
Idman
Nov 6, 2007 at 10:48 am rating: 0
#114
the dawd
WP, don’t ask where i found it… some things you just can not unsee.
Nov 6, 2007 at 10:49 am rating: 0
#115
WanderingPenguin
Idman – I have no idea what you’re talking about. Who would do such a thing?
And BTW, I was just wondering….how are you able to “covertly” smell your scrotum? That’s a neat trick! Albeit probably quite disgusting….
Wade – it’s certainly helping.
Nov 6, 2007 at 10:50 am rating: 0
#116
WanderingPenguin
And dawd – ew. That’s all I got.
Nov 6, 2007 at 10:51 am rating: 0
#117
unholyghost2003
#112
ummm HOW does one “covertly smell” one’s scrotum? I mean It isn’t like the “Stretch and turn head” armpit sniff, which is not really that covert itself. What is it that you do that you can covertly bob your head toward your groin?
Nov 6, 2007 at 10:52 am rating: 0
#118
unholyghost2003
Great Minds WP
Nov 6, 2007 at 10:53 am rating: 0
#119
the dawd
I think in our office safety procedures for ISO 9001, “crop dusting” is covered. To properly crop dust in an office, one must not pace back and forth. Rather move from office to office saying hello. This ensures a generous and fair spray of the crops.
Nov 6, 2007 at 10:53 am rating: 0
#120
WanderingPenguin
You know it, uhg2k3. Now if we can only get an answer….though I’m not 100% sure I want to hear it!
Nov 6, 2007 at 10:54 am rating: 0
#121
Wade
Maybe idman uses the old chemistry class maneuver for smelling test tube contents.
Wave your hand over what you want to smell and waft the odor toward your nose…
I just threw up a little in my mouth. ewww!
Nov 6, 2007 at 11:00 am rating: 0
#122
WanderingPenguin
Nov 6, 2007 at 11:01 am rating: 0
#123
unholyghost2003
Wade, That works only if you have a good, non crotch sniffing, reason for waving your hand from groin to face. I have no doubt that crotch sniffing is POSSIBLE I am just curious how one does it covertly. hmmm 10:00am my time and I have used the phrase “crotch sniffing” multiple times. Today will either be very good or very bad.
Nov 6, 2007 at 11:04 am rating: 0
#124
Wade
So, WP
It may be Less Than Jake, but at least it is Better Than Ezra.
Nov 6, 2007 at 11:04 am rating: 0
#125
Bethany
My favorite part is that Jake should be embarrassed about his reputation. Like that’s a complaint – not only is he annoying, he doesn’t even have the decency to feel ASHAMED!
Nov 6, 2007 at 11:18 am rating: 0
#126
eric the beehivehairdresser
Who’s this office manager, Maude Flanders?
Nov 6, 2007 at 11:20 am rating: 0
#127
Strideo
Jake is the boss’s nephew hence the “ex” office manager.
Nov 6, 2007 at 11:22 am rating: 0
#128
WanderingPenguin
Hell yeah, Wade! Wonder which of these people is “Ezra”?
Nov 6, 2007 at 11:30 am rating: 0
#129
WanderingPenguin
Hmm. There is a hot link in my previous post. Does it show up blue on anybody’s screen? It doesn’t here and I am not sure why.
Troy had a link earlier that came up in bright blue.
Nov 6, 2007 at 11:33 am rating: 0
#130
unholyghost2003
I think I have to throw my lot in with the group that asks “WTF is wrong with an office manager who can’t manage the office?” HELLO Office manager, if someone is causing a problem in the work place YOU need to deal with it. If YOU can’t deal with it then the higher ups should already be aware that you have spoken to Jake about his bad behavior but he persists. In that case “The Jake Issues” portion would be reduced to “Jake CONTINUES in the poor office behavior he was previously reprimanded for.”
Nov 6, 2007 at 11:34 am rating: 0
#131
WickedLady
WP the link shows up in bright blue. In fact it’s brighter than bright.
Nov 6, 2007 at 11:34 am rating: 0
#132
unholyghost2003
It is blue for me.
Nov 6, 2007 at 11:36 am rating: 0
#133
Wade
ROFL WP!
I’d have to go with all of the above, lol
Nov 6, 2007 at 11:40 am rating: 0
#134
WanderingPenguin
Thanks WL and uhg2k3. I guess it’s just one of those things. At least it looks like a hot link to everyone else!
Thought you’d like that, Wade.
Nov 6, 2007 at 11:42 am rating: 0
#135
Mishee
Wade #120 – That’s the only way I can imagine scrote sniffing would be achieved.
#122 unholyghost – You are complaining its too early, but imagine what the direction this thread is taking is going to do to our google ads?
OMG! LMAO! Right now I have:
“Clean Office Humor: Are you bored at work? Find funny videos, games and more!”
“Fix Your Grammar: Automated online editing tool – checks grammar, style, & usage” (we should probably provide a constant link to this one!)
Nov 6, 2007 at 11:43 am rating: 0
#136
Wade
The issues re Jake are what issues from Jake.
Nov 6, 2007 at 11:44 am rating: 0
#137
unholyghost2003
Wade, you (Like Jake’s emissions) are on FIRE today!
Nov 6, 2007 at 11:52 am rating: 0
#138
WickedLady
LOL. Mishee. I have “Wanted: 8 Lazy People.” and “Stylish Geek Swag… only available at ThinkGeek.”
Nov 6, 2007 at 11:54 am rating: 0
#139
WanderingPenguin
I have “Supervise ‘Toxic’ People” and “Difficult People Guide”. I don’t know if that last one is a guide to dealing with difficult people, an encyclopædia of difficult people or a How-To book on being difficult!
Have a good afternoon, folks.
Nov 6, 2007 at 12:00 pm rating: 0
#140
FB Stalker
Team &/or
Nov 6, 2007 at 12:06 pm rating: 0
#141
Mitsu
I have “supervise toxic people” as well. I take it that Jake is one of those toxic people, releasing noxious gases and all.
Nov 6, 2007 at 12:40 pm rating: 0
#142
Mitsu
Must I put on a HAZMAT suit before I go to supervise him?
Nov 6, 2007 at 12:41 pm rating: 0
#143
mere
jake sounds like a peach. the lady who wrote this sounds like a peach pit.
Nov 6, 2007 at 12:47 pm rating: 0
#144
Third(3rd) Worlder
Such uncouth behavior for someone to fart in the office.
LOL. Burning matches? Reminds me of the some story on the news a while back when someone burned a match to cover up their fart-y stink during a flight.
#3-I’ve experienced that, one on one, LOL. I can see where the office manager is coming from with that…
Who was the EX? the wife, the office manager, or/and both?
Nov 6, 2007 at 1:45 pm rating: 0
#145
Third(3rd) Worlder
The office manager should know better than to break the chain of communication. By writing this letter he is intricating an issue he should be able to tackle on his own. Say..er…reprimand Jake? Isn’t that part of his job description???
Nov 6, 2007 at 1:55 pm rating: 0
#146
Wade
OMG!!
I was going back through some old PANotes, and found another los angeles one:
http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2007/06/05/thanks-for-eating-my-lunch/#more-193
Look at the initials in the right bottom of the note.
LMAO!!!!
Nov 6, 2007 at 1:57 pm rating: 0
#147
morpho aurora
wade, you amaze me – one more trip into the labyrinth
Nov 6, 2007 at 2:13 pm rating: 0
#148
D
Wow, Jake sounds like a catch. Can I get his number?
Nov 6, 2007 at 3:51 pm rating: 0
#149
Space Monkey
‘the jake issues’….Sounds like a bonus mag from “The Turkey Hunter Monthly”.
“Showcasing the best shots from our eagle-eyed hunters of the finest-feathered strutting jakes in the Tri-State area. Git’chu a copy today!”
Nov 6, 2007 at 4:09 pm rating: 0
#150
Big Sis
I think the Jake in the note might be my brother. Seriously. Also, he has colitis, so he really can’t help the excess gas (and he makes a joke out of it because it’s so embarassing to him). The rest though is total douche-bag behavior and typical of my brother.
Nov 6, 2007 at 4:18 pm rating: 0
#151
Vicious Trollop
How could matches not take care of the problem? Jake has to be passing more than gas LOL
Nov 6, 2007 at 5:02 pm rating: 0
#152
Queequeg
Re: #59 BoggyWoggy
He’s the type of person who would toot under the covers and then make his partner smell it! Gross!
I believe you’re referring to what is commonly known as a “Dutch Oven.”
Nov 6, 2007 at 5:07 pm rating: 0
#153
Wade
Maybe someone should dissolve some Beano in his Earl Grey tea.
Nov 6, 2007 at 5:19 pm rating: 0
#154
Team Cassandra
That teabagging flatulence was fucking delicious?
Just a thought.
I think Jake could be anyone’s brother…this note reminds me of a neighbour girl who seemed to be constantly screaming in the yard about her brother to her mom:
MA! Non mi piace Carmelo! (MOM! I don’t like Carmelo!) I hear it just the way she said it because of the particularly unique whining she used.
Every time you heard it you knew he was either farting in her face, bugging her while she was tryna do something or eating all the pastries.
Nov 6, 2007 at 5:26 pm rating: 0
#155
Meeg
The “&/or” was kind of weird. Also “he should not eat everything until it’s gone rather than allow things to remain available over the course of the day” that sentence is so awkward as to obscure its intended meaning.
Nov 6, 2007 at 5:47 pm rating: 0
#156
The Scrotum Police
In response to post #73:
I want to know two things:
1) How did that woman know it was his scrotum she was smelling?
2) How did that woman know it was his scrotum she was smelling?
Sounds to me like she had prior intimate knowledge of said scrotum. Or she’s just a slut.
Nov 6, 2007 at 5:56 pm rating: 0
#157
Mishee
I am not sure how she knew it was scrote and that it was HIS…
But I do know she’s not a slut… and she is a lesbian so maybe she switched sides because she can’t stand the smell of his scrote.
To be fair, this guy DID smell – I couldn’t tell you personally if it was his scrotum, but he reeked! It was nasty.
Nov 6, 2007 at 6:21 pm rating: 0
#158
Troy McClure
WP, I love your Bubbly Hellbelly tune!
Nov 6, 2007 at 6:34 pm rating: 0
#159
WanderingPenguin
Nov 6, 2007 at 6:45 pm rating: 0
#160
Troy McClure
If you worked in an office where, instead of emailing messages to each other, you rolled messages up into tight wads & then blowdarted them around the office, then you could pretend you were having trouble with your blowdart, & peer down the tube. You could surreptitiously open your fly a little & poke the far end through (after ensuring dart removal), & then take a quick sniff from the near end. It’s foolproof.
Nov 6, 2007 at 7:05 pm rating: 0
#161
A.A guy
Troy I don’t know how that twisted senario came to you but it will definetly be burned into my mind for far too long. LOL
Nov 6, 2007 at 7:12 pm rating: 0
#162
A.Thought
Just gross…from farts to scrotum skank.
Nov 6, 2007 at 8:38 pm rating: 0
#163
Wade
Troy, I shudder to think what would happen if you weren’t applying your Rube Goldberg-like problem-solving skills for good, lol.
Nov 6, 2007 at 8:39 pm rating: 0
#164
Wade
Any person who writes a memo that includes the phrase “should be mindful” should be mindful of how pathetic they sound.
Nov 6, 2007 at 8:42 pm rating: 0
#165
Troy McClure
It does sound a bit Jedi, doesn’t it?
Nov 6, 2007 at 8:45 pm rating: 0
#166
Former Teacher
I had HS students like this. I can’t believe a “grown-up” can’t get it together
Nov 6, 2007 at 8:47 pm rating: 0
#167
Team Cassandra
Any person who entitles a memo: The (insert name here) Issues needs to grow a spine.
In my humble opinion.
Nov 6, 2007 at 9:13 pm rating: 0
#168
A.A guy
Troy; It’s three hours later and I’m still reliving the horror show that you planted in my mind(only now it’s with a bendy straw).
Nov 6, 2007 at 10:27 pm rating: 0
#169
Team Cassandra
“Just gross…from farts to scrotum skank,” as put, so eloquently, by #161 – here is the list (so the rest of us don’t have to feel left behind by the Word of the Day – #8 which, incidentally, I don’t get – but I don’t get a lot of things so I wouldn’t worry about it. I’ll figure it out;):
#1 was first.
The Grammar Police slips in, short and sweet today, through the Twilight Zone at #6,11, 40,and 154.
And Law and Order enters at:#16,28, 48(ick!),49, 52, 53, 59, 61, 64, 65, 66, 113, 119, 515, and152.
Walk down memory lane: 26, 73, 76, 79,80, 92, 135, 138, 139,144,146, and153.
Wanna date Jake? Take a number:#20, 148, and150. Well, look how short that line is! Step right up!
Are the TV and Music industries just begging for this?:#7, 25, 33(exposed!at37),52, 64, 94, 124, and126.
Wickedness at #27.
My thoughts exactly: #51
The high art of Jake: #57.
Sign up for Team Jake at #83
And last but not least:
Scrotum Talk at #73, 113, 115,117, 123, 155, 155, and159.
Nov 6, 2007 at 10:34 pm rating: 0
#170
WanderingPenguin
Heya TC.
Less Than Jake is a ska-punk band that I had the great pleasure of seeing at the Phoenix here in Toronto a couple of years ago.
And I would like to point out that I showed remarkable restraint and didn’t point out a single grammatical or spelling error in this thread. Yet. Don’t get used to it!
Nov 6, 2007 at 10:48 pm rating: 0
#171
Troy McClure
A.A guy, um, did you sleep okay? Any, er, nightmares?
Nov 7, 2007 at 5:58 am rating: 0
#172
Team Cassandra
Very cool WP! I love ska but I only see what passes through at Lee’s or the Horseshoe…actually one of my favourite bands that *bordered* on ska (I would say) was The Hopping Penguins! I didn’t know their name until I’d seen 2 or 3 shows…
And, yes – I did notice the Grammar Police was a little distracted these days, lol.
Nov 7, 2007 at 7:25 am rating: 0
#173
WanderingPenguin
The Hopping Penguins are pretty cool.
There have been some interesting ska bands coming through our town over the years – if you ever get a chance to see “The Slackers”, don’t miss them!
Nov 7, 2007 at 10:09 am rating: 0
#174
agirlie
Is the note from LA too? This sounds like my nephew.
Nov 7, 2007 at 11:03 am rating: 0
#175
Mitsu
TC: Thanks for the honorable mentions!! Yay! I’m “Law and Order”, that’s one of my fave shows!
Nov 7, 2007 at 12:22 pm rating: 0
#176
TeeHee
Team Jake! Whoever wrote that is a complete bitch.
Nov 7, 2007 at 5:21 pm rating: 0
#177
super_fan#99
it used to be cool to say such and such was fucking delicious, now it’s on every single god damn post. half of the ‘tards doing it have no idea why i’m sure.
i rule.
Nov 7, 2007 at 10:18 pm rating: 0
#178
Mishee
wow superfan, have’t seen you in a while…
Nov 7, 2007 at 10:29 pm rating: 0
#179
Mishee
oh and superfan… you are fucking delicious!!
Nov 7, 2007 at 10:31 pm rating: 0
#180
super_fan#99
yeah i changed jobs and i’m actually busy for a change, i still check here every now and then though.
what’s up with the ! after all the names?
Nov 7, 2007 at 10:40 pm rating: 0
#181
super_fan#99
oh sorry, i guess that should go on the OTHER site. wtf, go away for a month and everything changes.
Nov 7, 2007 at 10:47 pm rating: 0
#182
Mishee
superfan, the ! is for registering your name, remember the issues we had with fakers? This protects you so people know it’s actually you and not some middle schooler who is home suspended for the day…
Nov 8, 2007 at 9:17 am rating: 0
#183
unholyghost2003
My coworker is laughing. Very Very hard. She just farted. Apparently is smells horrible. Surprisingly her name is NOT Jake.
Nov 9, 2007 at 3:57 pm rating: 0
#184
Nerva
Short story about farts and matches in an office: Last summer, we had a sudden fire alarm go off in the building, resulting in the total evacuation and the calling of several fire engines (as it should be). Turns out the culprit was a lawyer for a firm in one of the upper floors. He had farted in his office and lit a match to dissipate the fumes – and then dropped the smoking match into the wastebasket and went to a meeting. The wastebasket ignited and tripped the fire alarms. This story circulated within hours of our returning to our offices. It was hilarious, embarrassing to the individual, and incredibly stupid.
Nov 10, 2007 at 11:59 am rating: 0
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