PES picked this note out of an apartment building in newark, nj in 2004 because he loved the paragraph, which is oh-so-amazing. add in the peculiar diction and the glorious redundancy of it all, and you’ve got one fucking delicious note.
p.s. for more deliciousness, be sure to check out the stop-motion shorts at eatpes.com.
EMAIL THIS POST TO A PAL!
190 responses so far ↓
#1 anglophile
I wish I had a witty comment, but as the note did not apply to me, I stopped reading after the first sentence.
Nov 6, 2007 at 10:11 pm rating: +12
#2 Mishee
Homeland Security? Yea, let’s forget about those terrorists for a while to investigate what happened in the 2nd floor hallway!
They should just be lucky they don’t live in an apt building where there is a whore who uses substance and regurgitates to no extent all over the garage! That would piss me off!
Nov 6, 2007 at 10:22 pm rating: +2
#3 Wade
HOMELAND SECURITY?!?!?
ROTFLMAO!!!!!
OK, won’t make the “word” but, damn.
Nov 6, 2007 at 10:22 pm rating: 0
#4 Troy McClure
My anticipated cooperation is yours to enjoy, for as long as you are able to sustain it.
Nov 6, 2007 at 10:22 pm rating: +5
#5 Mishee
Those deeply carved writings were fucking delicious!
Nov 6, 2007 at 10:23 pm rating: +4
#6 Mishee
Anglo, that was great. You are #1 for a reason, and you are going for another Word! aren’t you?
Nov 6, 2007 at 10:24 pm rating: 0
#7 Wade
Maybe that why we haven’t found bin Laden. Too busy investigating overly carved on tables.
Nov 6, 2007 at 10:25 pm rating: +1
#8 Mishee
Also be informed, that Homeland Security will be informed, that we have informed them of informing you about how you need to be informed. If you have questions, please inform me.
Nov 6, 2007 at 10:25 pm rating: +4
#9 Andy
Woot! Kerry beat ya’ll to it, so it doesn’t need to be stated here. See, I’m resisting…
Anyhow, I love the note. Homeland Security?! That’s so crazy, I think it must be true.
I love the scrawled “NOTICE” at the top.
Finally, I did go to eatpes.com, very nice. I am wondering, though. Is this note the result of that short “Roof Sex”? That may explain everything, it was furniture terrorists!
Nov 6, 2007 at 10:25 pm rating: 0
#10 Andy
Jeebus! As I was writing this, I was going to be #2 comment, now I’m at nine. Hey you guys, Ritalin is calling you! Sheesh!
Nov 6, 2007 at 10:27 pm rating: 0
#11 GVI
I so agree with this note, I hate having to come home to my stairwell and see that my neighbors have been smoking and throwing their ashes and trash on my home
Nov 6, 2007 at 10:27 pm rating: 0
#12 Mishee
And don’t forget the terrorists who are lingering at the other end of the stairwell G….
They use those big knives they always have and carve shit into tables! They are out of control!
Nov 6, 2007 at 10:29 pm rating: 0
#13 WanderingPenguin
“Several residents, who choose not to live as a slob…” [italics are mine]
Gee, that’s too bad. That would be one gigantic slob. How cool would that have been?
Nov 6, 2007 at 10:29 pm rating: +1
#14 Wade
Apparently things have improved since 2004.
Now the only policy is no pets.
http://www.hallmarkapts.com/policies.html
Nov 6, 2007 at 10:29 pm rating: +1
#15 Andy
One final thing, is this the luxurious Hallmark House of Newark? Please let it be so, please.
Nov 6, 2007 at 10:30 pm rating: 0
#16 southern girl
I’ll never know if the note applies to me or not! I stopped reading after the very first line!
Now I am going to go congregate in the stairwell, pondering what this note said, smoking cigs, and throw trash on the floor.
Bye!
Nov 6, 2007 at 10:30 pm rating: 0
#17 Andy
Holy shit! I didn’t read the first sentence, where it says newark, nj. I googled it, and I found it first off. Yegads. *blush*
Nov 6, 2007 at 10:31 pm rating: 0
#18 GVI
What are these carving that need to be decoded by Homeland Security, can’t they just read what it says?
Nov 6, 2007 at 10:31 pm rating: 0
#19 WanderingPenguin
“Look! Those deeply-carved… erm…. carvings! They’re spelling something! It says…. ‘S-U-R-R-E-N-D-E-R… D-O-R-O-T-H-Y…..’ Wow! I wonder what it means?”
Nov 6, 2007 at 10:31 pm rating: +1
#20 Mishee
Best of all you could throw the NOTE on the floor of the stairwell southern girl!
Nov 6, 2007 at 10:32 pm rating: 0
#21 Wade
Andy, the address is on the bottom of the note, lol
Nov 6, 2007 at 10:32 pm rating: 0
#22 Troy McClure
WP, yeah. I hope the choice is unanimous! Unrequited love is bad enough; an unrequited desire to assimilate into one gigantic borg-slob would be unbearable.
Nov 6, 2007 at 10:32 pm rating: 0
#23 Mishee
WP!!!!!! You made me laugh out my smoke!!! That was HILARIOUS!
Nov 6, 2007 at 10:33 pm rating: 0
#24 WanderingPenguin
But oh, so f’ing delicious, Troy!
Nov 6, 2007 at 10:33 pm rating: 0
#25 GVI
Aw man, you have to check out the amenities at that place.
Nov 6, 2007 at 10:33 pm rating: 0
#26 Andy
Wade, thppt.
I was just excited to find the website. At the site, under ‘policies’, I was hoping to find this note. Alas, all it says is, “Sorry, no pets.”
That needed a section to itself?!
Nov 6, 2007 at 10:33 pm rating: 0
#27 Mishee
How funny I just thought of this on a totally different line of thought (the No Pets line)… in Vancouver, WA there is an apt complex that has a big sign out front that says:
“Lions, Tigers, and Bears - OH NO!
Dogs and cats, ok”
Nov 6, 2007 at 10:35 pm rating: 0
#28 WanderingPenguin
Wade, I went to that site you linked to. You know, the one where they say, “Sorry. No pets.” and there are three pictures? One picture with a fountain pen framed against what I can only assume is a Lease…and two pictures of kids…..each of whom is holding….. a pet! WTH is up with that??
Nov 6, 2007 at 10:37 pm rating: 0
#29 Wade
no disrespect intended, Andy (typing fails at conveying tone
).
I too was disappointed by the policy statement.
I wonder if there were more, and it has gradually been whittled down to one.
Nov 6, 2007 at 10:39 pm rating: 0
#30 Andy
Those are pictures of people who can’t rent there, because they were taken away by Homeland Security.
Nov 6, 2007 at 10:39 pm rating: 0
#31 GVI
I love the fact that they offer A/C.
Nov 6, 2007 at 10:39 pm rating: 0
#32 Mishee
I wonder when “No Pets” became an amenity?
Nov 6, 2007 at 10:39 pm rating: 0
#33 WanderingPenguin
Furthermore, if you click on “Floor Plans” you come to a page saying, “Sorry we are under construction.” So…the building hasn’t even been finished and people have been living there since at least 2004??
Yes, yes, I know - it means the website is under construction. But that’s not as funny. I particularly liked the icon of the guy leaning on a shovel drinking a coffee. No wonder it’s never been completed.
Nov 6, 2007 at 10:40 pm rating: 0
#34 Andy
Wade, no problem. I was more chagrined I missed so much, observationally. Ah well.
Though, now I know, if I move to Newark, I know where to go first! Yay!
Nov 6, 2007 at 10:41 pm rating: 0
#35 WanderingPenguin
Andy, I just figured those devious pets were doing the unfathomable carvings on the table.
Those pets were…. well, you know.
Nov 6, 2007 at 10:42 pm rating: 0
#36 Mishee
I wonder how long until Kerry is contacted by the Hallmark House management demanding this note be taken down? Everyone save it to your hard drives now!
Nov 6, 2007 at 10:43 pm rating: 0
#37 Andy
Man, it’s tempting. So tempting, like, “Homeland Security has raised the fucking delicious level to red.”
There, I said it, dammit.
Nov 6, 2007 at 10:44 pm rating: 0
#38 Mishee
Let it out Andy! It’s cleansing!!
Nov 6, 2007 at 10:45 pm rating: 0
#39 Wade
A careful analysis of google maps shows that the hallmark house does in fact overlook the Newark City Hall.
Maybe Homeland Security should be concerned by 2nd floor (overly) table carving.
Nov 6, 2007 at 10:47 pm rating: 0
#40 Team Cassandra
That was lovely double take fun.
It started out so mellow, like a story almost…and the next thing I know they’re calling HOMELAND SECURITY on my ass cuz I’m practicing my bubble letter etching while I party in the hallway with my friends.
Yeesh. You coulda just said No Loitering.
Nov 6, 2007 at 10:52 pm rating: 0
#41 Mishee
Sorry. No Pets.
Sorry. No Loitering.
There’s your sign TC!
Nov 6, 2007 at 10:56 pm rating: 0
#42 GVI
This is NOT a pigsty.
Your mother does NOT clean here.
NO littering.
Nov 6, 2007 at 10:58 pm rating: 0
#43 rupert
Hmm……. I wonder if Homeland Security will dig a big ditch and erect a huge tall fence around the place?
Nov 6, 2007 at 10:58 pm rating: 0
#44 morpho aurora
all caps, scrawled header, really strange grammar - and then Homeland Security - wow!
i see you shiver with antici……pation
Nov 6, 2007 at 11:18 pm rating: 0
#45 Mishee
oh m_a I totally thought of Frank N. Furter when I saw “anticipation!”
Nov 6, 2007 at 11:32 pm rating: 0
#46 morpho aurora
glad i wasn’t the only one - but since you are the movie goddess i knew you’d smile
Nov 6, 2007 at 11:39 pm rating: 0
#47 Coke-aholic
Ahh, finally everyone is back to being fun again.
Nov 6, 2007 at 11:43 pm rating: 0
#48 Oti
Rocky Horror Rocks
Nov 6, 2007 at 11:44 pm rating: 0
#49 Mishee
Yes, I am a movie goddess, aren’t I?
Coke, good to see ya!
Nov 6, 2007 at 11:50 pm rating: 0
#50 Coke-aholic
You too Miss Mishee. I loved WP’s Dorothy comment. Thought I would wake up the kids I was laughing so loudly.
Nov 7, 2007 at 12:00 am rating: 0
#51 Mishee
I am still laughing about it!
Nov 7, 2007 at 12:02 am rating: 0
#52 Mishee
WP is a contender to be the first in the history of Word! to be listed twice in a row!
Nov 7, 2007 at 12:06 am rating: 0
#53 Wade
kudos to Team Cassandra!!
Nov 7, 2007 at 12:14 am rating: 0
#54 Mishee
WTG TC!!
Nov 7, 2007 at 12:31 am rating: 0
#55 morpho aurora
congrats tc - how’s the bubble lettering going?
Nov 7, 2007 at 12:35 am rating: 0
#56 Julie
“Deeply carved writings” . . . the way it’s put makes them sound EPIC.
Nov 7, 2007 at 12:40 am rating: 0
#57 Troy McClure
I googled the lyrics to today’s tune & found that it was covered by a band I’d never heard of before yesterday, Less Than Jake. What are the odds??
There’s a man who leads a life of danger
Who causes Hallmark management much anger
With every puff he takes
Another rule he breaks
Odds are he’ll throw his filth and make you wallow
Secret Agent Man
Secret Agent Man
Those deeply carved writings’
Meanings will soon be plain
If this does not apply, please disregard it
But some of you behave like you’re retarded
If you congregate and sit
And make cellphone calls and spit
Odds are an eviction note will follow
Secret Agent Man
Secret Agent Man
Those deeply carved writings’
Meanings will soon be plain
Maybe it’s just meaningless graffiti
It could be just a carving for your sweetie
But if the HSA aren’t told
And your horrific plans unfold
Odds are Newark’ll be a pile of ash tomorrow
Secret Agent Man
Secret Agent Man
Those deeply carved writings’
Meanings will soon be plain
Nov 7, 2007 at 5:22 am rating: 0
#58 Team Cassandra
Thanks! - And not very well m_a, Homeland Security took the nail file I was using
Nov 7, 2007 at 7:01 am rating: 0
#59 Wade
Throw their ashes?
How does that work? Are they tapping their cigarette ashes into a cup, then hurling them down the stairs?
Nov 7, 2007 at 7:23 am rating: 0
#60 Tarn
I like the idea of the borg-slob.
‘Resistance is…. oh shit, who cares. Hand me a beer and those Doritos…’
Can’t stand people who hang around in stairwells though. Happens at my block - it’s noisy & their smoke gets in my flat, which I hate. And they leave a mess on the stairs. (Wade - we have one loiterer who pretty much does that! He uses a coke can as an ashtray…)
Nov 7, 2007 at 7:52 am rating: 0
#61 Wade
LOL, Tarn.
I guess they should be glad no one is chewing tobacco.
Oh, wait, there is spitting. ick.
Nov 7, 2007 at 8:08 am rating: 0
#62 Stephanie
I wanna know what the hell was “deeply carved” into the table….
Nov 7, 2007 at 8:24 am rating: 0
#63 Ozymandias
Hey Stephanie…well, if people are ‘throwing their ashes’ (whose ashes?) down the stairwell, maybe there are some Satanic type rituals going on that involve (virgin) sacrafice and the writing of the lyrics of Deep Purple songs backwards onto hallway tables?? Though, I don’t know that that would be a case for Homeland Security…
Nov 7, 2007 at 8:35 am rating: 0
#64 Mishee
Oz, Homeland Security has their fingers in everyone’s pie…
They are reading this right now.. thanks to Google and their algorithms!
Nov 7, 2007 at 8:42 am rating: 0
#65 ginger
oh thanks for this. has cheered up a rotten day.
Nov 7, 2007 at 8:45 am rating: 0