tourist traps have the best signs. more proof? this exercise in subtlety is from provincetown, mass., where it was spotted by intrepid vacationer teresa from boise.
exhibit b) is from washington, d.c., in a store sam says sold “all sorts of crap, from nixon and michael jackson pins to african drums and sweaters.” (admittedly, this one’s more puzzling than it is passive-aggressive.)
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94 responses so far ↓
#1 Ben
That Ice Cream Was Fucking Delicious.
Nov 29, 2007 at 12:36 pm rating: --11
#2 cre8tivewmn
Poor hungry and thirsty tourists, always being picked on for eating and shopping. Where’s the “no shirt no shoes, no service” signs?
Is ice cream in a different category because it is one food we’re allowed to eat while we walk around?
Nov 29, 2007 at 12:37 pm rating: 0
#3 Space Monkey
The first sign banned coffee and drinks?? Since when don’t you drink coffee? Do they make coffee suppositories now? Coffee enemas?
Or do they mean “No Coffee” as in no brown people, cause if they do, I’m offended.
Nov 29, 2007 at 12:39 pm rating: +5
#4 Canthz_B
Bring only cash or a major credit card. Thank you.
–The Management
Nov 29, 2007 at 12:39 pm rating: 0
#5 will
That drink holder box just screams free drinks to me. Of course I don’t care about germs.
Nov 29, 2007 at 12:39 pm rating: +1
#6 Space Monkey
Oh. Wait, coffee does have caffeine and it’s addictive so that counts as a drug.
NO FOOD
NO DRiNK
NO DRUGS
…and NO SMoKing
Nov 29, 2007 at 12:41 pm rating: 0
#7 T-Bone
“Use our petri dish holder”. Use this and you’re begging for someone to spit in your drink.
Nov 29, 2007 at 12:41 pm rating: +4
#8 Canthz_B
Does anyone really use the convenient drink holder? Talk about helping the homeless!
Nov 29, 2007 at 12:42 pm rating: +2
#9 cre8tivewmn
I would never pick up and consume a drink after leaving it on a tray outside of a store. They might as well put a trash can there instead.
Nov 29, 2007 at 12:49 pm rating: +1
#10 cre8tivewmn
#7 unfortunately spit isn’t the worst thing I can think of. uuuuuhhhhh.!
Nov 29, 2007 at 12:51 pm rating: +3
#11 unholyghost2003
random capitalization in #2 brings joy to my heart!
I would TOTALLY leave my food or beverage unattended outside a store. I also like to lick the handrails on the subway… YETCH!
Nov 29, 2007 at 12:53 pm rating: +2
#12 Canthz_B
This store is my church.
You may be cavity searched.
Leave your crap outside!
Nov 29, 2007 at 12:53 pm rating: +3
#13 Wade
I can’t tell if NO Ice Cream was affixed over the name of some other banned substance, or if they just got sloppy with the stencil at the end of the list.
Nov 29, 2007 at 12:59 pm rating: +3
#14 Bucklehoneysuckle
I would have liked it better if the “convenient drink holder” WAS a trash can.
Nov 29, 2007 at 1:03 pm rating: +2
#15 unholyghost2003
I like the SECOND list below the “convenient cup holder” … you know … just in case you are less than a foot and a half tall and therefore unable to see the higher sign.
hmmm sign 2 neglects “coffee” & “candy” … perhaps midgets are allowed to have coffee and candy but people of normal height are not …
Nov 29, 2007 at 1:11 pm rating: +4
#16 GezD
I really want to correct #14 but I’ll resist because I’m not that much of an arse. OK I am http://spandg.blogspot.com/2007/07/could-of-would-of-should-of.html
Nov 29, 2007 at 1:13 pm rating: +4
#17 GezD
Anyway, I got distracted. I worry about the standard of the ice-cream that can’t be classified as food.
What is it?
Nov 29, 2007 at 1:15 pm rating: +3
#18 Katzndogz
I used to live in an apartment complex outside DC and people would leave their half-eaten ice cream on the stairs.
Team Eat Your Ice Cream Or Throw It Away!
Nov 29, 2007 at 1:21 pm rating: 0
#19 unholyghost2003
The regulations on Ice-cream are actual pretty tight (re: Fat content, source of flavor etc.) so if it isn’t FOOD then it isn’t Ice Cream. hmmm perhaps the FDA will bust them for their incorrect info … or the NDC will bust them for libel…
Nov 29, 2007 at 1:21 pm rating: 0
#20 Courts
But it’s not ice cream, it’s frozen yogurt!
Nov 29, 2007 at 1:25 pm rating: +4
#21 wickedgirl
I love that there is a CUP holder but no place to put your candy, food or ice cream!
It’s also pretty funny that they have to list each of those items separately… as someone else pointed out that “coffee” is technically a drink, so are “ice cream” and “candy” technically food.
The second sign has obviously been there long enough that they had to re-do the wording because the previous one had faded, not a good sign (in more ways than one).
Nov 29, 2007 at 1:27 pm rating: +1
#22 Canthz_B
How did they forget “No shoes, No shirt, No service”?
I smell a “foodophobe”!
Nov 29, 2007 at 1:36 pm rating: 0
#23 Shane
#1 - I want to echo other posts I’ve seen before on this blog: The “fucking delicious” has been played out along with “first post”.
At least have the decency to put in a backstory:
“I normally don’t like ice cream that has been sitting out in front of a store because I’m lactose intolerant, but that ice cream was fucking delicious!”
Nov 29, 2007 at 1:36 pm rating: 0
#24 Iris
I’ve been to that store in Provincetown! It’s full of puzzles and games and other wonderful things. I go there every time I visit, and no, I have never seen any drinks in that tray. To be fair, there are a good number of ice cream places nearby, and no one wants to throw out a half-finished ice cream cone. Maybe they need to be told a second (and more specific) time.
Nov 29, 2007 at 1:39 pm rating: +1
#25 Stephanie
You put your drink in there, you will never see it again.
Nov 29, 2007 at 1:41 pm rating: 0
#26 Jodi Blaze
You forgot to add No Candy and No Coffee on the sign below the drink holder =)
Nov 29, 2007 at 1:43 pm rating: 0
#27 kureshii
I love the “please” - classic requirement of PA notes, and in a nice little cursive font too.
Nov 29, 2007 at 1:43 pm rating: 0
#28 Canthz_B
If there is no Ice Cream in the U.S. Senate cafeteria, I won’t have it in my store!
http://en.wikinews.org/wiki/Italian_senators_lobby_for_ice_cream
Nov 29, 2007 at 1:52 pm rating: 0
#29 Robin Claire
I’d kinda want to walk in consuming everything the signs tell me not too. Or eating dog food or something. “what! It’s not food!”
Nov 29, 2007 at 1:53 pm rating: 0
#30 MJaz
Are popsicles OK?
Nov 29, 2007 at 2:31 pm rating: +1
#31 Canthz_B
Er…umm…That’s “Italian Senate”!
Nov 29, 2007 at 2:31 pm rating: --1
#32 SHARKFAN
I have always thought that a cup was a convenient drink holder. Their convenient drink holder looks like a newspaper rack, and I think that it will not hold my drink as effectively as a cup would.
Nov 29, 2007 at 2:34 pm rating: +12
#33 fussbudget
making a list that extensive is a risk. people will start thinking that anything *not* included on the list is okay.
“it doesn’t say NO monkeys”
“explosives?”
“burger king bags?”
Nov 29, 2007 at 2:42 pm rating: +5
#34 unholyghost2003
considering the uh…. diversity of the products sold at store #2 perhaps sign #2 is simply a list of things they DON’T sell.
“Geez Bill! that is the third guy this morning asking if we have food, drink, smoking, or ice cream.”
“I know Frank! When will they understand that our ‘Everything Except Food, Drink, Smoking, and Ice Cream Emporium’ has NO Food, NO Drink, No SMoKing, and NO Ice Cream?”
“Maybe we should put up a sign that says that.”
“Like ANYONE will ever read it. Stupid tourists.”
Nov 29, 2007 at 2:47 pm rating: +7
#35 Canthz_B
Why has the King of the Smo people been banned?
Nov 29, 2007 at 3:03 pm rating: +2
#36 GhostWriter
Additions to Fussbudget’s list:
- Silly Putty
- Ten Thousand Marbles (please)
- Axle Grease
- Pipes (!)
- …i’m stuck…
Nov 29, 2007 at 3:10 pm rating: +1
#37 GhostWriter
The restrictive rules are all about protecting their beautiful carpeting.
Nov 29, 2007 at 3:12 pm rating: 0
#38 Mishee
Possibly the NO SMoKING is because Rene Hall frequents this business establishment?
Either that or it is run by Anthony Grosso?
Nov 29, 2007 at 3:17 pm rating: +1
#39 Space Monkey
#38
LOL.
Add’n to FussBudget’s list:
NO SMoKing your killing
Nov 29, 2007 at 3:22 pm rating: --1
#40 GhostWriter
…
- No Smoking
- No Joking
- No Midnight Toking
Nov 29, 2007 at 3:32 pm rating: +1
#41 anglophile
What’s that box for under the sign? Maybe to put your drink there? They should have said so!
Nov 29, 2007 at 4:03 pm rating: +2
#42 Canthz_B
Maybe sign #1 is saying that we should displease all: coffee, candy, drinks, food and ice cream.
Nov 29, 2007 at 4:07 pm rating: 0
#43 anglophile
Something tells me the ice cream social the CA planned at this store is not going to work out so well.
Nov 29, 2007 at 4:08 pm rating: +4
#44 GhostWriter
I looked in the wooden “drink holder” box. It’s filled with brine and a live octopus. A maximum of eight drink-laden shoppers in the store at a time, please!
Nov 29, 2007 at 4:10 pm rating: +2
#45 anglophile
I do not find it at all convenient to return to the front of the store every time I want a sip of my frappuchino. Not at all convenient.
Nov 29, 2007 at 4:39 pm rating: +6
#46 KarenLW
Amazing how much thought, effort and expense they went into here. I think they began with the top sign, but people would stand out front trying to finish up their drinks - or maybe they set them on the floor before going in - so the store adds this box with the sign on front. That sign didn’t grab enough attention, so they came up with the arrow board. Finally a near-duplicate of the top sign is posted at the bottom. And all this stacked up and held together somehow on a piece of store shelving.
Really, people, how long did all of this take? And we know it’s all completely ignored !
Nov 29, 2007 at 4:56 pm rating: +3
#47 warinthepocket
Sadly, the sign is probably nessecary. After woking at an amusment park for five mounths, i learned that people really are block heads. Chances are, people don’t even notice these signs.
Nov 29, 2007 at 5:00 pm rating: --2
#48 fussbudget
maybe it’s like a key party. you all put your drinks in the holder at the front and then on the way out you grab one at random.
bring some excitement back into the whole drinking experience (who wants to be stuck with the same drink sip after sip)
that’s how they roll in provincetown.
Nov 29, 2007 at 5:01 pm rating: +5
#49 WanderingPenguin
GezD: being repulsed by “would of” most certainly does not make you an arse.
Shane: hear, hear. Don’t let the negative ratings get you down - keep fighting the good fight!
WO (if you ever read this thread): I may have been mistaken with my previous comment w.r.t. haikus.
Now to the topic at hand:
I love that in the first note they specified that they don’t wish you to have food, drinks or ice cream in the store. It would appear, by dint of the note above the convenient drink holder that they don’t wish you to have coffee or candy anywhere. The bastards!
Nov 29, 2007 at 5:04 pm rating: +2
#50 raiseyourglass
So where is the ice cream holder?
Is gum allowed?
Nov 29, 2007 at 5:05 pm rating: +2
#51 Rocky
So let me get this straight, there IS smoking in the first store? I’m on my way to the Provincetown store to light up - we have found the last smoking venue in the world!
Of course, I quit over a year ago, but for this I’ll start up again!
AND….as I slip on the unitard, THAT CIGARETTE WAS FUCKING DELICIOUS!!!!!!!
Nov 29, 2007 at 5:08 pm rating: +1
#52 Canthz_B
Critics are sure great.
They ridicule and chastise,
Yet never create.
Nov 29, 2007 at 6:01 pm rating: 0
#53 amy d
#15, the lower sign serves to show potential customers that ‘you must be this tall to shop’
Nov 29, 2007 at 6:08 pm rating: +3
#54 Canthz_B
Don’t bring your food
into my store.
Can you not see,
the sign at the door?
I have within here,
costly merchandise.
I don’t want it ruined,
by your chosen vice.
One more spilled drink,
and I am going to scream!
Someone stop that kid,
with the drippy ice cream!
Nov 29, 2007 at 6:21 pm rating: +1
#55 anglophile
With many apologies to Dorothy Parker:
Food is crumby
Drinks cause spills
Smoking’s nasty
Ice cream gives chills
Candy’s sticky
Coffee stains
We don’t need customers
Giving us pains!
Nov 29, 2007 at 6:31 pm rating: +6
#56 WanderingPenguin
Lots of off-topic comments on here today. Wonder if TMHQ is broken again? Hmm. Whatever.
):
Hey, here’s something creative (with my sincere apologies to anglophile
Folks are tired of posts
That rhyme but say nothing: they
Grow quite tedious.
Or how about:
There once was a man from NJ
Who really had nothing to say
He’d rant and he’d bluster
But all he could muster
Were “rules” that would change by the day.
He thought of himself as quite witty
When every third post came a ditty
That was rambling and long
And quite often spelled wrong
And sometimes it didn’t even rhyme.
Well. There’s 5 minutes I won’t get back again.
Nov 29, 2007 at 6:33 pm rating: +4
#57 Canthz_B
Repulsion is sure,
A strong feeling to have for,
A slip of grammar.
Nov 29, 2007 at 6:38 pm rating: 0
#58 Canthz_B
Nicely done WP! Though poetry does not have to rhyme.
Come on home please? You are missed. I mean that.
Nov 29, 2007 at 6:41 pm rating: +2
#59 amy d
Tomorrows sign: You must don a unitard before entering store so as to insure that no stray materials from previously listed items will tarnish our lovely store. Your cooperation is appreciated. Please take a unitard from our convenient unitard holder. Thank you.
Nov 29, 2007 at 6:44 pm rating: 0
#60 Writer, Rejected
You have to understand that the families from all across the world come into these stores with their sticky kids and their spilly drinks. Ever been to the center of Ptown in the middle of August? I think they should have posts to tie up those animals right next to that coffee trough.
Nov 29, 2007 at 7:00 pm rating: +1
#61 Troy McClure
As silly as it is that “No ice cream” is listed under “no food,” I’m confident that the patrons are to blame. I expect they had a “no food” sign up for quite a while, but eventually grew weary of having the “but it’s only ice cream” conversation several times a day.
Nov 29, 2007 at 7:25 pm rating: +4
#62 Olrun
All they need now is a security guard to pat down each customer upon entry……..Hell, just for the fun of it I would go inside with my pockets conspicuously stuffed full of candy.
I wonder though, where do the employees eat ?
Are they allowed to eat at work ?
Or does this sign not include employees ?
Nov 29, 2007 at 7:26 pm rating: +2
#63 Juliet
It probably started off as just one sign, and then expanded to the glory it is today.
First there was the sign saying “no food, no drinks, no candy, no ice cream, etc” and then when people ignored the sign they added the convenient drink holder. And then they added another sign which backs up the first , but placed at a lower level . I guess this lower sign is directed at children and ‘vertically challenged’ persons, both of whom (who?) were likely to be repeat offenders, especially the children with their melted ice cream fingers touching everything. (It’s amazing to watch a child with goop on his/her hands spread the goop everywhere with breathtaking ease.)
I would like to know who out there would argue that ice cream or candy isn’t a food. But it must have happened because they are specifically listed.
Nov 29, 2007 at 7:53 pm rating: +2