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Gossip boy

December 2nd, 2007 · 46 comments

Our anonymous submitter in San Diego got this text message from a friend, explaining: “It’s in reference to him hooking up with one of my friends on my couch. He’s hooked up with three of my friends to date. It’s bound to get around, ya know?”

So I am so glad my drunk outings with you turn into great stories you share with EVERYONE

Adds our submitter: “There’s no safe way to respond to a passive-aggressive text, so I haven’t.”

related: Recipe for roommate discord

FILED UNDER: drizzunk · frenemies · San Diego · sarcasm · sex sex sex · text message

46 responses so far ↓

  • #1   aimee

    lol don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time!

    (yay, first!)

    Dec 2, 2007 at 12:23 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #2   Obstreperous B

    What’s hilarious is that by sending this text he has now exponentially increased the audience for the tales of his couch hookups.

    Dec 2, 2007 at 12:32 pm   rating: 22  small thumbs up

  • #3   WanderingPenguin bang

    There is an easy way to respond to a P/A text like this one. Fight fire with fire!

    “Well, if you’re happy I’m happy.”

    Never give anyone the P/A upper hand. :)

    I really like the ghostly phone in this picture. Gives the whole thing a kind of bizarre cartoony aspect that really sets it off nicely.

    Dec 2, 2007 at 12:33 pm   rating: 25  small thumbs up

  • #4   morpho aurora bang

    so slut boy leaves pecker tracks on someone else’s sofa and thinks no one is gonna talk about it? sorry, but if he wants his escapades kept quiet maybe he should be a little more, i don’t know, DISCREET? hey, go to your own place and have wild monkey sex! i hope the submitter has scotch-guarded that couch, cuz ewwww!

    besides, the girls probably told before the submitter did :D

    Dec 2, 2007 at 12:35 pm   rating: 29  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   Sean

      You are, of course, assuming that the others are girls….

      Jan 2, 2008 at 7:17 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

  • #5   Olrun bang

    I didn’t know drunk outing’s / hookup’s were “Top Secret”. If anything those are the best to talk about. ( If you remember them )

    Dec 2, 2007 at 1:05 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

  • #6   Olrun bang

    Damn !! It’a awsome how it ends up here now too, lol. Now EVERYONE does know !!!!

    Dec 2, 2007 at 1:06 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #7   anglophile bang

    I love that it’s completely devoid of textspeak. That’s what makes it doubly P/A!

    Caps and everything!

    Dec 2, 2007 at 1:32 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #8   Andy bang

    My response would be: “I need new stories. Let’s go out tonight!”

    Hooked up with 3 of the submitter’s friends? Yegads. Are they still your friends? :D

    Dec 2, 2007 at 1:34 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

  • #9   WanderingPenguin bang

    “Pecker tracks”. Ew! What a visual!! :D

    Dec 2, 2007 at 1:50 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #9.1   morpho aurora bang

      glad you enjoyed your visual :D sometimes having a keen mind’s eye is not such a good thing!

      Dec 3, 2007 at 12:34 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #10   Juliet bang

    I like this one. The text is short and sweet, and gets straight to the point. The levels of underlying hostility are perfect, as are the levels of whiny.

    People have already said what I was going to say:

    Since when are drunken hook-ups top secret? If you hook up with someone and other people are around to witness it, they will talk about it. Especially if it is on your couch while you are making futile efforts to sleep through it in the next room.

    This is from a guy, right? Probably early 20s? If so, I thought he would want his tales of conquest to, in fact, be shared with EVERYONE. Unless he’s a hipster, in which case it would be shocking if he hooked up at all.

    I mean, I know about his couch sex, but would like to hear the great stories about those hook-ups.

    Dec 2, 2007 at 1:53 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

  • #11   kureshii bang

    Ooh, I love this one! Perfect spelling, CAPS, and just the right tint of hostility.

    Things that happen on my couch are stories for me to tell. Not happy with that? Feel free to drop me a PAN ;-)

    Dec 2, 2007 at 2:29 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

  • #12   WanderingPenguin bang

    I think her (for I feel this submitter is a gal, actually) friend is lucky that she hasn’t used this camera to document the Couch Olympics and send that around instead of merely relating the stories.

    That may all change now, though….

    Dec 2, 2007 at 2:53 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

  • #13   ALA bang

    Does anyone else wonder if this is (gasp) a fake? It’s slightly too PAN-perfect. I teach college kids, and they don’t capitalize and/or spell correctly in their PAPERS, so god knows they’re not going to do it on a phone.

    Or maybe this is someone a little older…in his late 20s/early 30s…making the pecker tracks exponentially more creepy, somehow.

    Your thoughts?

    Also, Olrun (#5) – apostrophe abuse much?

    Dec 2, 2007 at 3:45 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #13.1   Katzndogz bang

      Well, there’s a couple of problems with your hypothesis.

      1. There is some grammatically incorrect verbiage in there. “So I am so glad..”

      2. The person only capitalizes in two places – the beginning of the sentence, which text does automatically, and the EVERYONE, which makes sense because the person was trying to make a point.

      3. It’s not hard to spell correctly in text if you use that feature where it tries to guess the word you are typing as you type in the letters.

      This person could very well be a poor speller/capitalizer when they aren’t being helped along by a texting program, and therefore (in your mind) a college student.

      Dec 3, 2007 at 10:15 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #13.2   kerbear

      I’m obsessive about perfect spelling, punctuation, and capitalization and that includes my text messages. I’m glad to see there are others like me out there. My friends make fun of me for it!

      Dec 3, 2007 at 2:06 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #13.3   WanderingPenguin bang

      Better keep that to yourself, kerbear. You might get lynched around here. ;)

      Dec 3, 2007 at 2:45 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #13.4   Troy McClure bang

      I consider “So I am so glad…” to be poor style—depending on context—but not incorrect grammatically.

      Dec 3, 2007 at 6:24 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #14   Leigh

    That drunk outing was fucking delicious!

    Dec 2, 2007 at 3:53 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #15   Olrun bang

    Damn, I ment it’s, not “it’a” on #6.
    It sucks when you made a mistake and don’t realize it untill way later.
    ALA, I love apostrophe abuse, gott’a get my repressed anger out somehow, so I figured why not take it out on those damn apostrophe’s, they’re just asking for it anyway !!!!

    Dec 2, 2007 at 4:02 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #16   ian in hamburg

    Great spin-off potential here.

    Dec 2, 2007 at 4:14 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #17   Olrun bang

    I didn’t know apostrophe’s were a typo on a blog forum.
    I could just do smily abuse instead.
    But it :) s just doesn’t look right to me.

    Dec 2, 2007 at 4:15 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #18   WanderingPenguin bang

    Olrun, sorry man but I just gotta say it: putting an apostrophe in “apostrophes” when talking about apostrophe abuse… and then doing it again in the next post… well, that’s just priceless. :D

    Dec 2, 2007 at 4:25 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

  • #19   Canthz_B bang

    She knows exactly how to respond…post the text on PAN!

    Dec 2, 2007 at 4:35 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #20   Olrun bang

    That’s what I go for…..Priceless ;)
    I’m rebellious when it come’s to my apostrophy’s
    Damnit !!! They’re the red headed step child I never had.
    ( not that I have anything against red headed step children )

    Dec 2, 2007 at 4:37 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #21   Olrun bang

    I’m guessing I’ll get a nice negitive rating on that one too, I think I’ll go tell everyone via text message on a drunken outing.

    Dec 2, 2007 at 4:46 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #22   Candice A

    So although Mr. Couch Pimp does sound pretty whiny, the fact that he starts his sentences with “So” unnecessarily and actually capitalizes words in a text message gives me a strong urge to join his team just for those reasons alone. Had it not been for the omission of punctuation, I just may have been the Captain of Team Sofa Sex.

    Dec 2, 2007 at 4:55 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #23   Anon bang

    I can understand the couch hookups…I think most of us have been there. And if the texter is a male, the general stereotype would say that he should be proud.

    Which brings me to….

    …the use of the word “outings” here. Perhaps he’s trying to hide something? Maybe he’s getting nervous about his “outings” because he’s on the down low?

    Dec 2, 2007 at 5:47 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #24   super_fan99

    I think the best way to respond is to wait until the next time they get really drunk and then ask the next day “Did you really mean what you said to me last night?”.

    And just leave it at that. Leaves them wondering for weeks.

    Dec 2, 2007 at 5:48 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #25   Steph

    You know you love me!

    Dec 2, 2007 at 5:50 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #26   Anon bang

    …and I’m sorry…anyone who hooks up on my couch that’s not me is fair game for pics, gossip, taunting. Do the crime, do the time (like #1 says)

    Dec 2, 2007 at 5:50 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

  • #27   super_fan99 bang

    Dammit! I tried to login but it didn’t work. So there.

    Here I am!

    Dec 2, 2007 at 5:51 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #28   Olrun bang

    You’re blue now super-fan99, so something worked. ( as opposed to grey)

    Dec 2, 2007 at 6:00 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #29   Karen bang

    Team Sofa Sex Those Were The Days !!! Woohoooo !

    Thank you Candice (the new Terry ?)

    Dec 2, 2007 at 9:12 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #30   thecox

    As the unfortunate bystander to Sofa Hookups, I see no reason that the story shouldn’t make it to the interwebs.

    And forget Scotchgard, I think this requires a couch condom.

    Go Team Crinkle-y Plastic Couch Covers!

    Dec 3, 2007 at 10:56 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

  • #31   bobwong

    #30–couch condom, that’s hysterical! Boy did I get an immediate visual for that.

    Dec 3, 2007 at 3:10 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #32   wicked opinion

    I think what happened was this poor guy was in the midst of two different texts and got confused. Here are the actual texts, separated properly:
    The actual text he wanted to send to his friend:
    “I am so glad my drunk outings with you turn into fuckfests with all your friends. I want to screw EVERYONE.”
    And the one he meant to send to his granny:
    “So, Grandma, thanks for brunch on Sunday. I really love all those great stories you share with me. Can I borrow $50.00 for laundry? Love, Steve”

    Mystery solved. You’re welcome.

    Dec 3, 2007 at 3:18 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

  • #33   Alix

    That boy is lucky all that happened is people gossiping about it. If someone tried to hook up on my couch, not only would I tell everyone I knew about it, beforehand I would douse the offenders with a garden hose!

    Dec 3, 2007 at 5:04 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #34   dawn bang

    Definitely Team Garden Hose. I should be one half of any couple that is bumping uglies on my couch.

    Dec 4, 2007 at 10:37 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #34.1   Inga

      I think I’d respond, “Oh, cripes. thanks for reminding me. I hadn’t told EVERYONE yet” with a cc: to the drunken-loverly-type’s mother, sister, boss, ex-partners, current partners, and spiritual advisor.

      Nah – now I’m just joking about that. I don’t think it’s at all nice to tell the truth about your friends’ bad behavior. Although it’s anonymous, the poster has now opened up this behavior to the entire world for criticism. The BEHAVIOR seems to have emerged from the text-messager’s special relationship with the poster. This isn’t the first time and all that. There seems to be an agreement of some sort – “What happens on the sofa stays on the sofa” – ??

      I actually think posting this is more passive-agressive than the text message, which is pretty clear. It might have said, “Hey! I heard you told Kari that I had sex on your couch! Hush up already about things that might embarrass me! You’re supposed to be my trusted friend and confidant!” (With a smiley face, maybe.)

      Pecker trails . . . heh heh!

      Dec 7, 2007 at 8:31 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #35   Evil Kinegro bang

    I’d reply with: “Anytime, just ask!”
    …of course I’m a jerk.

    Dec 8, 2007 at 11:43 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #36   Joe

    Just curious — why does everyone assume both the submitter and slutty boy are str8? Makes more sense to me that they’re both gay (or bi). Also, if slutty boy is hooking up with the couch owner’s female friends (if that is in fact their gender), then that makes them at least as slutty as he, no?

    Dec 20, 2007 at 1:39 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #37   Angelo Mcmahon

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    Mar 24, 2008 at 8:06 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #38   mean boys

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  • #39   SIGHting | EntVibe

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    Dec 27, 2010 at 1:12 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up


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