Our anonymous submitter in San Diego got this text message from a friend, explaining: “It’s in reference to him hooking up with one of my friends on my couch. He’s hooked up with three of my friends to date. It’s bound to get around, ya know?”
Adds our submitter: “There’s no safe way to respond to a passive-aggressive text, so I haven’t.”
related: Recipe for roommate discord
46 responses so far ↓
#1
aimee
lol don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time!
(yay, first!)
Dec 2, 2007 at 12:23 pm rating: 3
#2
Obstreperous B
What’s hilarious is that by sending this text he has now exponentially increased the audience for the tales of his couch hookups.
Dec 2, 2007 at 12:32 pm rating: 20
#3
WanderingPenguin
There is an easy way to respond to a P/A text like this one. Fight fire with fire!
“Well, if you’re happy I’m happy.”
Never give anyone the P/A upper hand.
I really like the ghostly phone in this picture. Gives the whole thing a kind of bizarre cartoony aspect that really sets it off nicely.
Dec 2, 2007 at 12:33 pm rating: 24
#4
morpho aurora
so slut boy leaves pecker tracks on someone else’s sofa and thinks no one is gonna talk about it? sorry, but if he wants his escapades kept quiet maybe he should be a little more, i don’t know, DISCREET? hey, go to your own place and have wild monkey sex! i hope the submitter has scotch-guarded that couch, cuz ewwww!
besides, the girls probably told before the submitter did
Dec 2, 2007 at 12:35 pm rating: 27
#5
Olrun
I didn’t know drunk outing’s / hookup’s were “Top Secret”. If anything those are the best to talk about. ( If you remember them )
Anyway…..
Dec 2, 2007 at 1:05 pm rating: 9
#6
Olrun
Damn !! It’a awsome how it ends up here now too, lol. Now EVERYONE does know !!!!
Dec 2, 2007 at 1:06 pm rating: 4
#7
anglophile
I love that it’s completely devoid of textspeak. That’s what makes it doubly P/A!
Caps and everything!
Dec 2, 2007 at 1:32 pm rating: 4
#8
Andy
My response would be: “I need new stories. Let’s go out tonight!”
Hooked up with 3 of the submitter’s friends? Yegads. Are they still your friends?
Dec 2, 2007 at 1:34 pm rating: 10
#9
WanderingPenguin
“Pecker tracks”. Ew! What a visual!!
Dec 2, 2007 at 1:50 pm rating: 6
#10
Juliet
I like this one. The text is short and sweet, and gets straight to the point. The levels of underlying hostility are perfect, as are the levels of whiny.
People have already said what I was going to say:
Since when are drunken hook-ups top secret? If you hook up with someone and other people are around to witness it, they will talk about it. Especially if it is on your couch while you are making futile efforts to sleep through it in the next room.
This is from a guy, right? Probably early 20s? If so, I thought he would want his tales of conquest to, in fact, be shared with EVERYONE. Unless he’s a hipster, in which case it would be shocking if he hooked up at all.
I mean, I know about his couch sex, but would like to hear the great stories about those hook-ups.
Dec 2, 2007 at 1:53 pm rating: 6
#11
kureshii
Ooh, I love this one! Perfect spelling, CAPS, and just the right tint of hostility.
Things that happen on my couch are stories for me to tell. Not happy with that? Feel free to drop me a PAN
Dec 2, 2007 at 2:29 pm rating: 9
#12
WanderingPenguin
I think her (for I feel this submitter is a gal, actually) friend is lucky that she hasn’t used this camera to document the Couch Olympics and send that around instead of merely relating the stories.
That may all change now, though….
Dec 2, 2007 at 2:53 pm rating: 7
#13
ALA
Does anyone else wonder if this is (gasp) a fake? It’s slightly too PAN-perfect. I teach college kids, and they don’t capitalize and/or spell correctly in their PAPERS, so god knows they’re not going to do it on a phone.
Or maybe this is someone a little older…in his late 20s/early 30s…making the pecker tracks exponentially more creepy, somehow.
Your thoughts?
Also, Olrun (#5) – apostrophe abuse much?
Dec 2, 2007 at 3:45 pm rating: 1
#14
Leigh
That drunk outing was fucking delicious!
Dec 2, 2007 at 3:53 pm rating: 0
#15
Olrun
Damn, I ment it’s, not “it’a” on #6.
It sucks when you made a mistake and don’t realize it untill way later.
ALA, I love apostrophe abuse, gott’a get my repressed anger out somehow, so I figured why not take it out on those damn apostrophe’s, they’re just asking for it anyway !!!!
Dec 2, 2007 at 4:02 pm rating: 0
#16
ian in hamburg
Great spin-off potential here.
Passiveaggressivetexts.com
Dec 2, 2007 at 4:14 pm rating: 1
#17
Olrun
I didn’t know apostrophe’s were a typo on a blog forum.
s just doesn’t look right to me.
I could just do smily abuse instead.
But it
Dec 2, 2007 at 4:15 pm rating: 1
#18
WanderingPenguin
Olrun, sorry man but I just gotta say it: putting an apostrophe in “apostrophes” when talking about apostrophe abuse… and then doing it again in the next post… well, that’s just priceless.
Dec 2, 2007 at 4:25 pm rating: 8
#19
Canthz_B
She knows exactly how to respond…post the text on PAN!
Dec 2, 2007 at 4:35 pm rating: 2
#20
Olrun
That’s what I go for…..Priceless
I’m rebellious when it come’s to my apostrophy’s
Damnit !!! They’re the red headed step child I never had.
( not that I have anything against red headed step children )
Dec 2, 2007 at 4:37 pm rating: 2
#21
Olrun
I’m guessing I’ll get a nice negitive rating on that one too, I think I’ll go tell everyone via text message on a drunken outing.
Nice……
Dec 2, 2007 at 4:46 pm rating: 1
#22
Candice A
So although Mr. Couch Pimp does sound pretty whiny, the fact that he starts his sentences with “So” unnecessarily and actually capitalizes words in a text message gives me a strong urge to join his team just for those reasons alone. Had it not been for the omission of punctuation, I just may have been the Captain of Team Sofa Sex.
Dec 2, 2007 at 4:55 pm rating: 3
#23
Anon
I can understand the couch hookups…I think most of us have been there. And if the texter is a male, the general stereotype would say that he should be proud.
Which brings me to….
…the use of the word “outings” here. Perhaps he’s trying to hide something? Maybe he’s getting nervous about his “outings” because he’s on the down low?
Dec 2, 2007 at 5:47 pm rating: 3
#24
super_fan99
I think the best way to respond is to wait until the next time they get really drunk and then ask the next day “Did you really mean what you said to me last night?”.
And just leave it at that. Leaves them wondering for weeks.
Dec 2, 2007 at 5:48 pm rating: 4
#25
Steph
You know you love me!
Dec 2, 2007 at 5:50 pm rating: 0
#26
Anon
…and I’m sorry…anyone who hooks up on my couch that’s not me is fair game for pics, gossip, taunting. Do the crime, do the time (like #1 says)
Dec 2, 2007 at 5:50 pm rating: 5
#27
super_fan99
Dammit! I tried to login but it didn’t work. So there.
Here I am!
Dec 2, 2007 at 5:51 pm rating: 0
#28
Olrun
You’re blue now super-fan99, so something worked. ( as opposed to grey)
Dec 2, 2007 at 6:00 pm rating: 1
#29
Karen
Team Sofa Sex Those Were The Days !!! Woohoooo !
Thank you Candice (the new Terry ?)
Dec 2, 2007 at 9:12 pm rating: 2
#30
thecox
As the unfortunate bystander to Sofa Hookups, I see no reason that the story shouldn’t make it to the interwebs.
And forget Scotchgard, I think this requires a couch condom.
Go Team Crinkle-y Plastic Couch Covers!
Dec 3, 2007 at 10:56 am rating: 7
#31
bobwong
#30–couch condom, that’s hysterical! Boy did I get an immediate visual for that.
Dec 3, 2007 at 3:10 pm rating: 1
#32
wicked opinion
I think what happened was this poor guy was in the midst of two different texts and got confused. Here are the actual texts, separated properly:
The actual text he wanted to send to his friend:
“I am so glad my drunk outings with you turn into fuckfests with all your friends. I want to screw EVERYONE.”
And the one he meant to send to his granny:
“So, Grandma, thanks for brunch on Sunday. I really love all those great stories you share with me. Can I borrow $50.00 for laundry? Love, Steve”
Mystery solved. You’re welcome.
Dec 3, 2007 at 3:18 pm rating: 5
#33
Alix
That boy is lucky all that happened is people gossiping about it. If someone tried to hook up on my couch, not only would I tell everyone I knew about it, beforehand I would douse the offenders with a garden hose!
Dec 3, 2007 at 5:04 pm rating: 2
#34
dawn
Definitely Team Garden Hose. I should be one half of any couple that is bumping uglies on my couch.
Dec 4, 2007 at 10:37 pm rating: 4
#35
Evil Kinegro
I’d reply with: “Anytime, just ask!”
…of course I’m a jerk.
Dec 8, 2007 at 11:43 pm rating: 0
#36
Joe
Just curious — why does everyone assume both the submitter and slutty boy are str8? Makes more sense to me that they’re both gay (or bi). Also, if slutty boy is hooking up with the couch owner’s female friends (if that is in fact their gender), then that makes them at least as slutty as he, no?
Dec 20, 2007 at 1:39 pm rating: 0
#37
Angelo Mcmahon
semichaotic amyclaean stratosphere outscream marybud shorling dowie ideographically
BBC Staffordshire
http://www.capability-scotland.org.uk/
Mar 24, 2008 at 8:06 am rating: 0
#38 mean boys
[...] related: gossip boy [...]
Jan 22, 2009 at 2:35 pm rating: 0
#39 SIGHting | EntVibe
[...] Gossip boy Image by passiveaggressivenotes http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2007/12/02/gossip-boy/ [...]
Dec 27, 2010 at 1:12 pm rating: 0
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