choose-your-own adventure memo

December 4th, 2007 · 124 comments

daniel m. saw this note in a men’s room on the 59th floor of the empire state building, where he confirms the toilets were indeed frequently left unflushed.

583706925_f8e057cc81.jpg

related: priorities; et tu, dora

Tags: memo · new york · office · pleasantries as afterthought · toilet

124 responses so far ↓

  • #1  Cheesemonkey

    If I was one of these defecating exhibitionists, I think I would increase the frequency of my art, just to spite the angry note writer.

    Dec 4, 2007 at 8:50 am   rating: +2  

     
  • #2  Troy McClure

    Have you been a grown-up for long?
    It seems to me something is wrong…
    The Empire State
    Building … oh, wait!
    I know who you are: King Kong!

    Dec 4, 2007 at 9:01 am   rating: +6  

    • #2.1  Cheesemonkey

      People who are doing this are possibly getting a thrill out of anonymously enraging strangers and colleagues. The note just tells these leavers of ploppies that they have succeeded. So they might as well keep at it!

      Dec 4, 2007 at 9:30 am   rating: +1  

       
     
  • #3  kureshii

    If it’s yellow, let it mellow, if it’s brown, flush it down.

    I like the DO NOT REMOVE THANK YOU at the very top, in ALL CAPS no less.

    A simple underlined MEMO heading, near-perfect grammar (and perfect spelling and punctuation!), impeccable politeness… is this really a PA note? I don’t smell any A in there… *sniff sniff*

    I would probably have replied “thanks for the offer, but you really don’t have to flush it for me, I like it that way” =)

    Dec 4, 2007 at 9:07 am   rating: +2  

    • #3.1  Katzndogz

      I think “who raised you?” would be the aggressive part.

      Dec 4, 2007 at 9:49 am   rating: +2  

       
     
  • #4  amy d

    I have to go with Team Flush the Dookie on this one

    Dec 4, 2007 at 9:21 am   rating: +2  

     
  • #5  A.A guy

    He/She takes turns flushing the toilet? Try riding the elevator for that extra New York moment. WEEEEEEE!

    Dec 4, 2007 at 9:21 am   rating: +3  

     
  • #6  GhostWriter

    …if the answer is “I was born in the wagon of a traveling show” ” then then all is forgiven, but only because I have a soft spot in my heart for gypsies, tramps and thieves.

    Dec 4, 2007 at 9:29 am   rating: +8  

     
  • #7  acolyte

    I like the mixture of anger and shaming that is used in this note! Plus the very plastic “have a nice day” at the end.
    Now I’m just waiting for a “fucking delicious” comment………..

    Dec 4, 2007 at 9:33 am   rating: +3  

     
  • #8  A.A guy

    I’m with team mellow yellow on this one.There’s nothing wrong with saving a flush or two,I’m all for saving water.If it’s a honkin triple-coiler that’s a different story.

    Dec 4, 2007 at 9:34 am   rating: +6  

     
  • #9  T-Bone

    The culprit dropping the kids off at the pool isn’t going to bother reading this nicely-worded, polite note. Good alternative note: FLUSH THE FUCKING TOILET.

    After all, it is NYC.

    Dec 4, 2007 at 9:36 am   rating: +5  

     
  • #10  GhostWriter

    Thanks to Wally’s ever-present candydish of peanuts, almonds and cheddar cheese nuggets, there is no point in flushing within 30 minutes of log-laying.

    In fact, the only thing that seems to speed up the process is two cups of muriatic acid, unless you plan to work it with a butter knife.

    Sure Happy It’s Tuesday!

    Dec 4, 2007 at 9:36 am   rating: 0  

    • #10.1  GhostWriter

      oh Oh OH! I forgot to mention that we’ve asked Wally to take it easy on the nuts and cheese, but he finds them so damn fucking delicious.

      Dec 4, 2007 at 9:47 am   rating: +2  

       
    • #10.2  Rocky

      Unitard for the GhostWriter!

      Dec 4, 2007 at 10:04 am   rating: +4  

       
     
  • #11  A.A guy

    If the unitard was replaced with the “thongitard” perhaps fear would deter us from the “FD” transgression.

    For the greater good.

    Dec 4, 2007 at 9:37 am   rating: +5  

     
  • #12  A.A guy

    Log laying…….triple tee -hee!

    Dec 4, 2007 at 9:39 am   rating: +2  

     
  • #13  Denagh

    What pigs..there’s no saving water at the office! They pay for it. Flush the damn toilet you Toads.

    Dec 4, 2007 at 9:41 am   rating: +2  

     
  • #14  A.A guy

    That’s Mr. Toad,and welcome to my wild ride(every third or fourth flush).

    Dec 4, 2007 at 9:47 am   rating: +3  

     
  • #15  Ariadne

    Why are there so many questions in this memo? Doesn’t the writer know any other way to get his message across? If not, where did he go to school? If yes, why didn’t he write some statements rather than pose everything as a question? Is it possible that he just really, really likes question marks??

    Dec 4, 2007 at 9:51 am   rating: +11  

    • #15.1  anglophile

      Ariadne, why do you ask? Do you think the writer will show up and tell you? Don’t you know how many people there are in the world? What makes you think the writer will ever know he’s been posted on PAN? Doesn’t everyone like question marks???

      Dec 4, 2007 at 10:01 am   rating: +7  

       
    • #15.2  Bucklehoneysuckle

      Should I like question marks? What has a question mark done for me lately? Or should I tell myself “It’s not what the question mark can do for you, but what you can do for the question mark”?

      Dec 4, 2007 at 10:05 am   rating: +7  

       
    • #15.3  Ariadne

      Anglo - do you think we’ll ever know the answer to these questions? Is it possible that the water pressure on the 59th floor of the Empire State Building is weak, and that even when someone does flush, the toilet doesn’t completely empty? Couldn’t the note-writer simply use a urinal instead??

      Dec 4, 2007 at 10:08 am   rating: +6  

       
    • #15.4  GhostWriter

      Yeah! Remember “Kingpin” when Ishmael simply used a urinal instead?

      Team Nothing-Trumps-A-Urinal-Cake-Like-A-Urinal-Log

      Dec 4, 2007 at 10:25 am   rating: +3  

       
    • #15.5  WanderingPenguin

      Why is there only one note? With all the questions yet to be answered, shouldn’t there have been a follow-up note from The Unflusher? Doesn’t “The Unflusher” sound like the handle for an English king from the Middle Ages - such as “Elorean The Unflusher”? Or do you think it’s more like the title of a horror novel? Why am I so far off-topic only four questions in? Do you want another question about the note? If yes, do you think the comma after “Thank you” was just a little superfluous? If no, how about this weather, huh?

      Dec 4, 2007 at 10:27 am   rating: +10  

       
    • #15.6  amy d

      Unflusher reminds me of Unabomber. Strangely fitting, eh?

      Dec 4, 2007 at 12:15 pm   rating: +2  

       
    • #15.7  anglophile

      Ariadne, is is really such a triumph to gain Word! of the Day with a completely rhetorical comment? Would you have thought this comment would win? If the answer is no, why would you write it? If the answer is yes, who taught you to write?

      Dec 4, 2007 at 9:32 pm   rating: +2  

       
     
  • #16  Katzndogz

    This note is so perfectly anal (heh) in execution and design and yet I’m anal (heh) enough to see that the THANK YOU should be more centered underneath the DO NOT REMOVE.

    Dec 4, 2007 at 9:52 am   rating: +3  

    • #16.1  unholyghost2003

      Why? The “DO NOT REMOVE” and the “THANK YOU” are left aligned (much like our beloved PAN Comments: Thank you KERRY for returning to left alignment!)

      Dec 4, 2007 at 1:26 pm   rating: +2  

       
    • #16.2  Katzndogz

      Yeah, I know it’s left aligned. If there’s only two lines, they should be center aligned - at least in my neurotic world.

      Dec 4, 2007 at 2:21 pm   rating: +1  

       
     
  • #17  Abe Lincoln

    I find that those nonflushers tend to be people raised outside of the U.S…. Commy Pigs…

    Dec 4, 2007 at 9:55 am   rating: --2  

     
  • #18  Bucklehoneysuckle

    “I don’t think I should have to do it for you before it’s my turn.”

    So… we are taking “turns” on the toilet? Is it a bathroom or a kid’s playground?

    Dec 4, 2007 at 10:00 am   rating: +1  

     
  • #19  kureshii

    Looks like we’re in the same boat, I’m anal enough to see that there’s a double-space after “Please flush the toilets.” ;-)

    And yeah, frequent use of rhetorical questions FTL.

    Dec 4, 2007 at 10:00 am   rating: +2  

    • #19.1  Numinous

      Um, I was always taught that a double space was correct after the end of sentence punctuation. Am I showing my anal side now too?

      Dec 4, 2007 at 2:21 pm   rating: +2  

       
    • #19.2  anglophile

      Team Double Space! A pox on automatic-space-removing software.

      Dec 4, 2007 at 2:44 pm   rating: +2  

       
    • #19.3  Troy McClure

      At least in LaTeX, not double-spacing after the end of a sentence (or colon (heh)) is called “French spacing.” I double-space. (And I call it “Freedom spacing.”)

      Dec 4, 2007 at 5:55 pm   rating: +3  

       
     
  • #20  Sparkles

    I think it is likely that the writer is getting a huge enough kick out of being so unassailably right that we as an audience are being denied our smileys and clip art in this instance.

    His smugness is understated but present in the use of the ‘do not remove’ adhesive label of some sort. I especially enjoy the way the label is incorporated into the assemblage holding the note to the wall.

    Dec 4, 2007 at 10:09 am   rating: +4  

     
  • #21  anglophile

    Just because I was raised in the wild by wolves doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings. I’m filing a workplace harassment suit. This note definitely creates a hostile environment.

    Dec 4, 2007 at 10:12 am   rating: +4  

     
  • #22  Rocky

    While you are all extolling the virtues of the layout, grammar and content of this PAN, apparently no-one noted that “If the answer is no, then why would you leave it unflushed at the office?” is NOT answerable by a “yes” or a “no” ….Therefore, the follow-up question “if the answer is yes, who raised you?” is just the writer venting his life-long accumulated frustrations……
    WHY YES, this IS a PAN indeed!

    BTW: According to Merriam-Webster, “unflushed” is not a word…….

    And then I realized, no comment yet from WP - who would have caught this immediately……..

    Dec 4, 2007 at 10:14 am   rating: +3  

    • #22.1  WanderingPenguin

      Rocky, thanks for the shout out. Just got here. :)

      I think you need to think of the two “If the answer is…” questions as two branches on a linguistic flowchart. The root, of course, is the question: “Would you leave the toilet unflushed at your home?”

      “Unflushed” is just a little poetic license in an otherwise black & white (literally) note. Think of it as the clip art or hand-drawn pink penis that this note is sorely missing.

      Hope that helps. :D

      Dec 4, 2007 at 10:23 am   rating: +5  

       
     
  • #23  Sparkles

    I love this site.

    The questionable martyrdom of ‘I don’t think I should have to do it for you.’ also qualifies as PA in my book.

    As a whole the note doesn’t really hit the heights of previous postings, yet as usual the quality of the commentaries is superb!

    Dec 4, 2007 at 10:18 am   rating: +4  

     
  • #24  A.A guy

    Urine….coming soon to a toilet near you.

    Dec 4, 2007 at 10:19 am   rating: +3  

     
  • #25  GhostWriter

    I am looking forward to the day that our notewriter actually stops flushing for the inconsiderate, and doubles down on the deal.

    Dec 4, 2007 at 10:28 am   rating: +3  

     
  • #26  Writer, Rejected

    I love the martyred tone of “I don’t think I should have to do it for you before it’s my turn.” Something about everyone getting a turn to take a dump on the 59th floor of the Empire State Building is really quite priceless. In fact, I think it should become an official stopping and dumping point on every tourist’s visit. You know how hard it is to find a public bathroom in the big apple. This could be a perfect solution. As for flushing, I say each to his own conscience and breeding.

    Dec 4, 2007 at 10:53 am   rating: +7  

     
  • #27  Still Bonkers

    I like the fact that the note is placed in a tidy, urine proof plastic sleeve. It also appears that the note has possibly been folded. Possibly it was shoved in someone’s IN box and this person, who is totally without guilt decided to post it.

    Dec 4, 2007 at 10:56 am   rating: +3  

     
  • #28  unholyghost2003

    I don’t care if you have started shitting little orange men with harpoon guns and are worried about the effect they might have on the sewer ecosystem. FLUSH THE GOD DAMN TOILET!
    Not flushing results in an excess of doody and TP in the toilet … which can result in an ‘Over Flow Situation’ if someone else sits w/o looking.

    Your poop is NOTHING SPECIAL . I DON’T WANT TO SEE IT. I don’t CARE if you are drinking enough water. The color of your urine does not interest me. I am HORRIFIED by the idea that in an emergency pee type situation I might sit and have YOUR pee water splash MY rear end.

    If you do not flush your waste I HATE you and want you dead.

    If you want to “leave the yellow mellow” do it in your own home, not in public.

    Dec 4, 2007 at 11:15 am   rating: +7  

     
  • #29  Juliet

    Team Flush it Down!!!

    Nothing is grosser than going into a public washroom and discovering a toilet filled with someone’s pee/poo.

    Dec 4, 2007 at 11:26 am   rating: +2  

    • #29.1  WanderingPenguin

      It’s certainly more gross than gum on a chopping board. ;)

      Dec 4, 2007 at 11:30 am   rating: +5  

       
    • #29.2  unholyghost2003

      WP,
      I disagree. Gum on a chopping board is worse. I can flush after you with my foot. I will curse you and hate you, but I don’t have to TOUCH anything that has been inside your body. The only way to clean up gum is to touch it. It is sticky and nasty and has been inside your nasty ass mouth and ……blood lust rising…..

      Dec 4, 2007 at 11:36 am   rating: +1  

       
    • #29.3  WanderingPenguin

      You have to touch it? Why? Can’t you just pick it up as if you were cleaning up after a dog - with an inside-out bag? :D

      Dec 4, 2007 at 12:51 pm   rating: +5  

       
    • #29.4  unholyghost2003

      well OBVIOUSLY I wear latex gloves and use a papertowel in a grocery bag … but I can still feel the horrible gooy texture. yuck yuck yuck.

      With toilet flushing I can flush with my foot and run away.

      Dec 4, 2007 at 12:59 pm   rating: +3  

       
    • #29.5  WanderingPenguin

      Maybe you need to invest in one of those bomb-disposal robots for the gum issues. Otherwise… not much help from this corner, sorry. :D

      Dec 4, 2007 at 1:15 pm   rating: +3  

       
     
  • #30  Jodi Blaze

    “Captain’s Log…..”

    ….only in NYC

    Dec 4, 2007 at 11:34 am   rating: +1  

     
  • #31  Eilis

    I worked with a doctor who said he would never keep his toothbrush within ten feet of a toilet due to the germs that become airborne when the toilet is flushed. Eww! Now I have to turn my back on a flushing toilet and try to get the hell out of the stall as quickly as possible, while holding my breath of course.

    Dec 4, 2007 at 11:48 am   rating: +3  

    • #31.1  Rita

      OMG, Eilis #31, I do the same thing!

      Dec 4, 2007 at 10:59 pm   rating: 0  

       
     
  • #32  b0xxx

    I think if I was in NYC my note would simply have been “I appreciate all you have done to conserve water by not flushing after you shit. After some deliberation and much peanuts and even more nachos, I’m fully on board. Signed, Not-going-to-flush-either”.

    Dec 4, 2007 at 11:55 am   rating: +2  

     
  • #33  mamason

    Dear note writer,
    Yes. It is too much of a hardship for me to flush the toilet. I lost both arms and a leg in a terrible shopping bag incident. It’s all I can do to hop to the bowl! And it’s starting to get too cold for the kilt! But I digest.
    No, I don’t leave the toilet at home unflushed. My helping hands monkey takes care of it for me. Unfortunately, I can’t bring him to work with me due to liability concerns. So honestly, any help you can give will be greatly appreciated. Am currently seeking a wiper.
    P.S. It was me mudder whut raised me.

    Dec 4, 2007 at 12:03 pm   rating: +10  

    • #33.1  amy d

      Ha ha ha ha. Mamason, you are the woman.

      Dec 4, 2007 at 12:25 pm   rating: +4  

       
     
  • #34  marla

    If someone’s not flushing their poo at work, that’s even more p/a than leaving an angry note about it. Just man up already and ask for a raise, douchebag.
    And the yellow/brown rule does not apply in public bathrooms that are hooked up to a public water system.

    Dec 4, 2007 at 12:17 pm   rating: +2  

     
  • #35  Wade

    Maybe it’s a cultural thing.

    “If your grandma goes to the bathroom and comes out yelling ‘Y’all come look before I flush it!’, you might be a redneck.” — Jeff Foxworthy

    Dec 4, 2007 at 12:21 pm   rating: +4  

    • #35.1  Rocky

      But only if she saw the face of Jesus in it….
      - the Cable Guy.

      Dec 5, 2007 at 9:00 am   rating: +1  

       
     
  • #36  Space Monkey

    Water baptism is only proper any time you make a sacrifice to the Porcelain Gods. Otherwise you will be stricken with the affliction of Montezuma’s Curse.

    …and nobody wants Hershey Squirts backsplash, either.

    Team Flush Your Caca

    Dec 4, 2007 at 12:34 pm   rating: +1  

     
  • #37  Writer, Rejected

    Hey, thank you, PAN God. Thank you for restoring LITERARY REJECTIONS ON DISPLAY to the blog roll. I feel redeemed. I will from now on always flush turds, throw chewed gum in the garbage, wash dishes (but never leave them too long without putting them away). And I will stop throwing cat hair and cats out the window. All because of your kindness. Thank you.

    Dec 4, 2007 at 12:58 pm   rating: +4  

     
  • #38  amazon

    I kinda agree with Ari in 15.3… the toilets at my school don’t flush well, and there is occasionally some post-flush nastiness left behind. What I never understand is how pee gets on the toilet seats in a women’s restroom!

    This guy makes it seem like a huge problem. I bet it only happened once, which offended his delicate sensibilities, leaving him unable to eat lunch that day. So he saved his lunch in the refrigerator, and when he came to work the next day, someone had stolen it! Leaving notes on the fridge is clearly PA, so he decided to take it out on the bathroom community instead.

    Dec 4, 2007 at 1:07 pm   rating: +5  

    • #38.1  amy d

      The answer is one of 2 things:

      1 Hovering

      or

      2 Backsplash from the flush (depending upon the power of the flush)

      Dec 4, 2007 at 1:11 pm   rating: +6  

       
    • #38.2  GhostWriter

      …and if you haven’t yet caught amy d’s “hovering raincloud” act, you are in for a treat. It’s mystifying!

      Dec 4, 2007 at 1:17 pm   rating: +5  

       
    • #38.3  WanderingPenguin

      See, I was kinda hoping that this would have been treated as more of a rhetorical question. :| Yuck!

      Dec 4, 2007 at 1:18 pm   rating: +2  

       
    • #38.4  Space Monkey

      Totally OT, but, I once sat on a toilet only to discover (too late) that the entire seat was wet .
      Either this person:
      (a) walked in, immediately turned around, pulled her pants down, hovered over- well, apparently nothing , or at least not the toilet seat- backed up while pissing the entire way, drenched the entire seat when she finally got there and didnt bother to clean it up.
      Or
      (b) the back splash on that toilet was similar to the graceful and delicate blowhole emission from an angry adult Orca whale.

      Dec 4, 2007 at 2:15 pm   rating: +6  

       
    • #38.5  Karen

      Ass Gaskets - only in California. We have them everywhere here. I rarely see them in any other state - or country.

      Sometimes you just gotta double-up !

      Dec 4, 2007 at 2:22 pm   rating: +1  

       
    • #38.6  amy d

      Not on this site, WP.

      Dec 4, 2007 at 2:23 pm   rating: +2