Our anonymous submitter from Dallas works in the creative department of a large corporation that’s recently cut back on extras like holiday parties and cake and fruit. This Scrooge-like misanthropy seems to have taken a toll on staff morale — even among the determined breed of office “fun fund” leaders.
(Click to enlarge; transcription below!
subject: Secret Santa
Since we have no more motherly types left (Denise, Andrea, etc.), I have been elected to be the cruise director this year.
We’re doing it from next Monday (the 10th) to next Friday (the 14th), since people will start going out of town the week after that.
We have a $20 max. You can spend it however you like. You can get your person a $4 gift every day, a big $20 gift on the last day, or however you want to break it up.
If you’ like to participate, please come sign up at my desk by tomorrow by noon. I will be drawing the names at lunch time. It’s not mandatory for everyone to play, but just do it. Don’t be a grinch!
If you don’t care what your Santa gets you that is fine, but if you do, please post a “Secret Santa Wish List” on your cube, so that they will have an idea what you like, and can go shopping this weekend.
Also, don’t give people used stuff (the person who gave me the half burned candle two years ago knows who they are!).
related: If you can afford $10 worth of flair…
101 responses so far ↓
#1
GhostWriter
To be fair, the candle was only a small part of the whole wax-dripping romantic evening package.
Dec 10, 2007 at 1:21 pm rating: 2
#2
GezD
I love the sign off. The motivation behind this “helpful” note is good old fashioned greed and self interest.
Dec 10, 2007 at 1:22 pm rating: 2
#3
unholyghost2003
someone tried to do that on my floor at my workplace. but we are pretty sure it was a cover so he could buy a gift for his girlfriend w/o his wife knowing/getting pissed.
Dec 10, 2007 at 1:30 pm rating: 4
#4
TeeHee
Take your half-burned candle, light it and shove it up your ass, miserable bitch.
Dec 10, 2007 at 2:03 pm rating: 0
#5
Katzndogz
“It’s not mandatory for everyone to play, but just do it.”
Tears of awesomeness are rolling down my cheeks.
Dec 10, 2007 at 2:07 pm rating: 7
#6
amy d
Your motherly types (Denise, Andrea) don’t work here! They are not here to tell you how to spend the $20 maximum for the Secret Santa game we are having the week of Monday the 10th through Friday the 14th. Be an adult and decide how to spread it out yourself! Additionally, this shouldn’t have to be said because we are all grown-ups, but DONOT give used presents, it’s just trifling! Please note that your Secret Santa is not psychic. If there is something specific you are hoping for, post a “Secret Santa Wish List” on your cubicle.
MOST IMPORTANTLY: HAVE FUN AND MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!
Dec 10, 2007 at 2:13 pm rating: 9
#7
GhostWriter
So the new Cruise Director’s first holiday game is, “Guilt Trip (circa 2005)”.
…and who said all the motherly types have left?
Dec 10, 2007 at 2:15 pm rating: 8
#8
Bucklehoneysuckle
I hate how many times she hit enter.
I mean, can’t we just have one paragraph?
Are six really needed for such a small message?
If yes, could she have at least indented?
If no, then why did she do it?
Indenting is not mandatory, but just do it!
Dec 10, 2007 at 2:17 pm rating: 6
#9
acolyte
Damn that candle really must have galled her for her to remember it 2 years later!
If I worked with her I know what I would be getting her…….
Dec 10, 2007 at 2:26 pm rating: 3
#10
unholyghost2003
The thing is (and i doubt I am alone in this) you send me an email that says “We are doing a secret santa exchange. Talk to Suzie for more info.” I MIGHT do it. If I am in a good mood and my undies are fitting just right I might seek Suzie out to sign up for the Secret Santa. An email like this lands in my in-box? I have to STRUGGLE not to fill a gift bag with “presents” from my dog and leave it on Suzie’s desk w/ a not that says ‘To Suzie From Santa’
Dec 10, 2007 at 2:32 pm rating: 7
#11
tragically mep
I love the line”…or however you want to break it up.”
Thanks for doing some of the math for me! But what if I wanted to give x number of items each worth a nickel? Argh. Why didn’t I pay attention in junior high algebra?
Dec 10, 2007 at 3:17 pm rating: 5
#12
unholyghost2003
My fav bit is “It is not mandatory for everyone to play, but just do it! Don’t be a grinch!” That tells me the whole “not madatory” thing is said under duress. I have $5 that says that draft #1 of this email either directly said or heavily implied that participation was mandatory. Seeing this HR LOST THEIR MINDS and explained in firm tones how not fun lawsuite land is. Thus version #2 says flat out that participation is not mandatory then basicly damns non-participants to Hell.
Dec 10, 2007 at 3:19 pm rating: 2
#13
Ariadne
I like the part that says “please post a ‘Secret Santa Wish List’ on your cube”.
How would you ever look at the list without tipping someone off that you were their Secret Santa? Run over when they leave to go to the bathroom? Strike up a conversation and glance at the list when you think they’re not looking?
Dec 10, 2007 at 3:21 pm rating: 5
#14
pirateywill
that must have been one sweet and nourishing candle, for her to have to bring it up two years later
Dec 10, 2007 at 3:23 pm rating: 1
#15
damon
This whole Secret Santa thing doesn’t fit in well with the whole “Office Asshole” image that I like to cultivate for myself.
Dec 10, 2007 at 3:38 pm rating: 5
#16
Pand0raWilde
To be fair I had to make sure it wasn’t one of those really nasty fakey-scented candles that could set off an asthma attack.
Dec 10, 2007 at 3:51 pm rating: 1
#17
Writer, Rejected
To be fair, I think half a candle is about all she deserves. She’s not a motherly type at all. She’s the absent drunk fatherly type, no?
Dec 10, 2007 at 4:38 pm rating: 4
#18
SilverIris
What I really want is for everyone in the office to add “half-burned candles” to their Secret Santa Wish List. I don’t even know why I want that, I just do.
Dec 10, 2007 at 4:56 pm rating: 10
#19
anglophile
Besides the non-mandatory Secret Santa exchange, there will also be a non-mandatory Christmas decoration contest and a non-mandatory Christmas coloring contest for different age groups. Prizes for 1st, 2nd, and 3rd place will be an unburnt candle, a third-burnt candle, and a half-burnt candle.
Dec 10, 2007 at 5:02 pm rating: 8
#20
Sue D'oh Nim
To be fair, the candle was from Denise or Andrea.
Dec 10, 2007 at 5:03 pm rating: 1
#21
Jodi Blaze
Half burned candle
Payback maybe?
Dec 10, 2007 at 5:06 pm rating: 2
#22
anglophile
What I’m wondering about is why they have no more motherly types left. Did they all commit suicide after receiving less-than-satisfactory Secret Santa gifts? Was there a mass firing after the Incident at the Office Party?
Dec 10, 2007 at 5:23 pm rating: 3
#23
KittyKat
To be fair, that was a $40 candle, so I burned it, thus using $20 and obeying the Secret Santa $20 price limit!
Dec 10, 2007 at 5:37 pm rating: 8
#24
mamason
I must be very maternal. I’m constantly being told what a real mother I am!
Dec 10, 2007 at 5:40 pm rating: 2
#25
Canthz_B
What a pessimist. Your candle was not half burned, it was half unburned!
Dec 10, 2007 at 6:12 pm rating: 10
#26
Karen
I really don’t appreciate being told to do something I don’t want to do, told I have 1/2 a day to make the “non”-mandatory “decision” about it, being told when I have to go shopping…
You’re right – you’re NOT my mother !
Can I go out of town next week, instead of waiting until the week after like everyone else ?
Dec 10, 2007 at 6:34 pm rating: 2
#27
genericscreenname
@ 18 – I agree.
Or, everyone could bring in a candle for their desk, burn it, then give it to whoever they drew. Then everyone has half-burned candles AND can get high from all the fragrances, hallucinating that they are on an actual cruise and not stuck in the office.
Dec 10, 2007 at 7:37 pm rating: 0
#28
Hank
To be half-fair, you guys are hilarious!
Dec 10, 2007 at 7:44 pm rating: 0
#29
Troy McClure
I’m dreaming of an office Christmas
Not like the ones I used to know
Where the grinches are missing,
and workers listen
To orders from the fun fund’s head honcho
I’m dreaming of an office Christmas
With every email that I write
May your candles stand their full height
And may all your Christmas gifts ignite
Dec 10, 2007 at 8:03 pm rating: 7
#30
saisei
To be fair, the candle was half UNburned…not half burned.
sheesh. What a pessimist.
Dec 10, 2007 at 8:30 pm rating: 0
#31
Inga
I gave the half-burned candle two years ago. To be fair, this was the memorial candle we all passed around when Denise and Andrea drove the company car into the Grand Canyon to escape this nightmarish work environment.
Last year, I didn’t play. Grinch, Jewish, impoverished – call it whatever you like; I skipped a year.
This year, I’m going to let the Cruise Director eat half my cold Little Kahuna and a bit of dry salad. That’s Monday. $20.00 minus $3.16.
(Say, if they know who they are, does that mean the author knows who they are? I think it does. Just what the hell is water-cooler talk like in this place? “I heard Barbara bought a stuffed monkey holding a heart that says ‘God WUVS you’ . . . now all we have to do is wait and see WHOSE cubicle it turns up in, and then we’ll know who they are!”)
To be fair, Jesus loved half-burned candles – I’ve never seen him with any other kind. But Secret Santa makes him cry.
Dec 10, 2007 at 9:12 pm rating: 5
#32
Writer, Rejected
I really miss Denise and Andrea.
Dec 10, 2007 at 9:55 pm rating: 3
#33
Masha G.
To be fair, I was going to give her another half-burned candle this year to even it out.
Dec 10, 2007 at 10:32 pm rating: 2
#34
Willow
“All you motherly types left”
What does that make the rest of them? Half burnt candle giving idiots?
Dec 11, 2007 at 12:21 am rating: 0
#35
Lurker
They’ll be doing it from Monday to Friday? Better stock up on the Viagra.
Dec 11, 2007 at 10:46 am rating: 2
#36
Ariadne
Maybe the “motherly types” are just away… on maternity leave?
Dec 11, 2007 at 10:49 am rating: 2
#37
Huh?
So, if it’s not really mandatory, what if some grinch does not draw a name but **gasp** someone has already drawn his name?
Then there’s a leftover person without a Santy? Some poooooor secret Santa won’t get nothin’.
Imagine next year’s Yule Missive!
“Last year, I didn’t even get a half burned candle and you know who you are, you giver of nothing. Participation is not mandatory but don’t be a Greedy Giftee if you won’t be a Secret Santa. Let me know in 10 minutes if you will not be participating so I can take your candle-burning name out of the stocking hat. “
Dec 11, 2007 at 11:46 am rating: 0
#38
Aliz
I think I’d put on my wish list that I wanted $20. And that could be $4 a day or the whole $20 on Friday. Surprise me.
Dec 11, 2007 at 12:14 pm rating: 3
#39
sarah
One year my friend got a used tube of lipstick… I think I’d take the half burnt candle over used lipstick.
Dec 12, 2007 at 12:38 pm rating: 1
#40
anonymous
blah
Dec 12, 2007 at 12:46 pm rating: 0
#41
wickedopinion
This lady was TOTALLY forced into the position of “cruise director” – and what does Secret Santa have to do with cruises anyway?? She is so NOT interested in any of this…and I can’t blame her. What kind of brother’s keeper, guilt-inducing, micro-managing, bossy people USED to be in charge of this office’s SS? Oh yeah – Denise, Andrea and etc. I bet it was etc.’s idea to dress up Fat Ed in the corner as Santa and also to leave tacky lists of what $20 present you want on your cube. It is extremely tasteless to tell someone what to buy you as a gift – that’s why common sense dictates that you don’t buy for people you don’t know. DUH.
If I worked here, I would not only NOT participate in this farce of Christmas spirit, I would stealthily switcheroo ALL the post-it lists, all the gifts, AND all the nametags on the gifts. Then I would drink my spiked eggnog from my thermos and watch the fun commence.
Now THAT’S Christmas!
Dec 12, 2007 at 1:45 pm rating: 6
#42 actually, we just hate you
[...] related: the thought that counts [...]
Dec 13, 2007 at 10:21 pm rating: 0
#43
Nezrite
To be fair, Denise and Andrea were fucking delicious.
Dec 15, 2007 at 6:47 pm rating: 0
#44
frodo441
what’s wrong? Nothing you SOB…slam!
(that’s Passive Aggressive)
Dec 16, 2007 at 10:40 am rating: 0
#45
Nun sex
Maybe the “motherly types” are just away… on maternity leave?
Aug 21, 2009 at 11:52 am rating: 0
#46
autoauctions
Hello, I found your blog in a new directory of blogs. I dont know how your blog came up, must have been a typo, Your blog looks good. Have a nice day.
Sep 11, 2009 at 10:25 pm rating: 0
#47
Caobwyn
If you have to do it, you might as well do it right.,
Oct 6, 2009 at 12:55 pm rating: 0
#48
Blaxadneday
Wow! Thank you! I always wanted to write in my site something like that. Can I take part of your post to my blog?
Oct 9, 2009 at 8:13 pm rating: 0
#49
Benny
new sites
Oct 16, 2009 at 3:28 am rating: 0
#50
Blaxadneday
It sounds like you’re creating problems yourself by trying to solve this issue instead of looking at why their is a problem in the first place
Oct 16, 2009 at 8:38 pm rating: 0
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