so much for turning the other cheek
thanks to sarah for capturing this delicious little slice of life from her christian college in illinois. (delicious like a quart of starbucks coffee almond fudge, not one measly little low-fat frappucino bar.)
related: but He took the wheel
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FILED UNDER: apostrophe abuse · excessive underlining · heart · ice cream · illinois · irregular capitalization · jesus · not-so-veiled threats · spelling and grammar police · touching · university · you call that punctuation? · you're like so going to hell
137 responses so far ↓
#1 S.S.
YAY! 1st comment! (first time that happens)
..and to continue the tradition:
That Frapuccino bar was fucking delicious.
Dec 13, 2007 at 12:26 am rating: --9
#2 Olivia
That bright pink pen means serious business.
I bet it was written by Britney Spears. Quick! Someone replace her Starbucks bar! I heard having a highly caffeinated diet could set someone off!
Dec 13, 2007 at 12:29 am rating: +1
#3 eh
team ashley. eff thieves.
Dec 13, 2007 at 12:36 am rating: 0
#4 morpho aurora
will someone PLEASE, for the love of all that is holy, confiscate this girl’s magic markers?
i just know she uses the scented ones!
Dec 13, 2007 at 12:36 am rating: +3
#5 Grimfool
What parents would name their daughter “Sinner” and then send her off to a Christian college? And, do Christian college students find question marks unholy? But does that stop me.
Dec 13, 2007 at 12:44 am rating: +20
#6 Cat Skyfire
Sinner to open it. Check. Angry tone (justified). Check. Heart next to name….wha?
Dec 13, 2007 at 12:44 am rating: +8
#7 Inga
The passion of Ashley! And He took bread, gave thanks, and broke it, and gave it unto them all, saying, “This is my body. DON’T TOUCH!”
That CRE business is going to drive me mad until someone comes up with a good excuse for it.
Dec 13, 2007 at 12:48 am rating: +10
#8 Crash
Damn…
I might have somthing witty to say
or sarcastic…..but really I didn’t know they made “Starbucks Frappucino Bars”
Anyway……
Dec 13, 2007 at 12:48 am rating: +2
#9 Grimfool
“I know who you are, so if you don’t (know who you are), I’ll go to the CRE (Christians Remembering Everyone) about it!” It’s Ashley’s way of being kind to the absent-minded sinners!
Dec 13, 2007 at 12:53 am rating: +3
#10 Canthz_B
“CRE”? She’s going to call upon Christ’s Resurrected Energy over a Frappuccino Bar?
So much for charity.
Dec 13, 2007 at 12:58 am rating: +7
#11 Tyler
“Dear Sinner.” Good thing they’re at a Christian college
. They can just repent and everything will be OK! (Except that would include replacing the stolen item. But at least you get a nice note out of the deal!)
Dec 13, 2007 at 12:59 am rating: +1
#12 Derek Wong
I enjoy the Christian college vibe. At least there are hearts to go around for everyone.
Dec 13, 2007 at 1:03 am rating: +4
#13 Canthz_B
Umm *gulp*, does anyone else have locusts covering their lawn right now? Okay, Okay…I’ll replace it! Just please make it stop!!
Dec 13, 2007 at 1:06 am rating: +10
#14 Simster
Those frappucino bars clearly belonged to Starbuck (Ashley clearly indicates this) so I think she should let Starbuck deal with the situation and leave the CRE out of it. Her inability to remain articulate when in a passionate rage will seriously impede the process should she pursue the issue on Starbuck’s behalf. Perhaps the person in question spoke to Starbuck and requested the last bar and Ashley should take up the problem with Starbuck him/her self - after all it seems Starbuck offered this bar to Ashley, leading to her secure sense of possession and the right to scrawl DON’T TOUCH on the box. Which leads us back to the fact that she refers to this bar as Starbuck’s and not her own, so I doubt the veracity of her claim to prior ownership. I hope Starbuck slaps her for her impudence.
Dec 13, 2007 at 1:11 am rating: +10
#15 usp45
Dear Ashley,
I have confessed my sins to Father Tom, and said 15 Hail Marry’s. He said all was forgiven. In short you aint getten the bar back.
love,
Sinner
Dec 13, 2007 at 1:19 am rating: +10
#16 Canthz_B
Dear Ashley,
I was going to take the last of Megan’s Heavenly Hash but your Frap. Bar just seemed like a lesser sin (it has a stick up the butt just like you).
Forgive me,
Sinner
Dec 13, 2007 at 1:27 am rating: +4
#17 whOOt
Reminds me of this video.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RSsJ19sy3JI
Dec 13, 2007 at 1:33 am rating: +1
#18 pirateywill
maybe she should have been more specific. I bet it would be possible to take one of those bars without touching the box.
Dec 13, 2007 at 2:17 am rating: +5
#19 fussbudget
dear ashley, please stop accusing me of stealing your shit. i have video and adio in process and it clearly shows you wandering into the kitchen at 3:00am and stuffing your face with frappucino bars and red bull burritos (aka red bullitos). i guess drink-food is your thing and that’s okay but it’s high time you gave up all this self-denial (maybe do it for lent).
p.s., god loves us all…even bulimics and/or chicks with that weird disorder that makes you sleep-walk down the stairs, into the kitchen, and across to the fridge to make and eat sandwiches and other random foodstuffs in the middle of the night (he probably saw it on dateline, too).
love, sinner
Dec 13, 2007 at 3:59 am rating: +6
#20 Scatman Dan
The little heart by the signature really adds to the note, I feel.
Dec 13, 2007 at 5:26 am rating: +2
#21 Grimfool
And why is “sinner” underlined once but “don’t touch” gets double stress? Is touching more PA than sinning?
Dec 13, 2007 at 5:46 am rating: +2
#22 jillfrost
You know, Ashley is that friend you see chewing gum and you ask for a piece and she says she doesn’t have anymore, but you know she does.
Dec 13, 2007 at 6:14 am rating: +8
#23 Willow
Who’s CRE? Christian Reprobate Eliminaters?
Dec 13, 2007 at 6:30 am rating: +2
#24 Willow
Well, at least she left Sinner a whole week to replace it…
Dec 13, 2007 at 6:31 am rating: +2
#25 Andy
Well, she specifically said DON’T TOUCH, not DON’T STEAL.
Though, I suppose to steal said bar, you have to touch said bar.
Is one of the Ten Commandments “Thou Shalt Not Touch”?
However, I do think that in referring to by Book of Douchebaggery, it states specifically, “Thou Shalt Not Sign Note Slamming Thy Neighbor With Cartoony Hearts”.
I suppose that’s following the philosophy of “Love the sinner, hate the sin”?
Dec 13, 2007 at 7:21 am rating: +4
#26 Toasty
For me, best response from Sinner would be “Forgive me.” tbh. Qudos to Bill Hicks once again…
Dec 13, 2007 at 7:22 am rating: +4
#27 GezD
Being a subversive in a Christian school must be lots of fun. What are the odds that Sinner targeted the bars specifically because they had DON’T TOUCH all over the box.
Dec 13, 2007 at 8:16 am rating: +6
#28 anglophile
I hope that, by the time Ashley graduates from this College, she has an understanding of grammar in replace of the one she has now.
Oh, and I also hope all her pink Sharpies have gone dry.
Dec 13, 2007 at 8:44 am rating: +7
#29 tragically mep
I think CRE = Christian Resident Ethicist. If PA notes don’t work, you have to take it to a higher authority.
Dec 13, 2007 at 9:28 am rating: +5
#30 Katzndogz
If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your Starbucks Frappuccino bars, do not stop him from taking your Chanellos cheese breadsticks.
Luke 6:29, New College Dorm Version
Dec 13, 2007 at 9:34 am rating: +8