Thanks to Sarah for capturing this delicious little slice of life from her Christian college in Illinois. (Delicious like a quart of Starbucks Coffee Almond Fudge, not one measly little low-fat Frappucino bar.)
related: but He took the wheel
So much for turning the other cheek
December 13th, 2007 · 140 comments
FILED UNDER: apostrophe abuse · college life · excessive underlining · heart · ice cream · Illinois · irregular capitalization · not-so-veiled threats · spelling and grammar police · touching · You call that punctuation? · you're like so going to hell
140 responses so far ↓
#1
S.S.
YAY! 1st comment! (first time that happens)
..and to continue the tradition:
That Frapuccino bar was fucking delicious.
Dec 13, 2007 at 12:26 am rating: 1
#2
Olivia
That bright pink pen means serious business.
I bet it was written by Britney Spears. Quick! Someone replace her Starbucks bar! I heard having a highly caffeinated diet could set someone off!
Dec 13, 2007 at 12:29 am rating: 1
#3
eh
team ashley. eff thieves.
Dec 13, 2007 at 12:36 am rating: 0
#4
morpho aurora
will someone PLEASE, for the love of all that is holy, confiscate this girl’s magic markers?
i just know she uses the scented ones!
Dec 13, 2007 at 12:36 am rating: 7
#5
Grimfool
What parents would name their daughter “Sinner” and then send her off to a Christian college? And, do Christian college students find question marks unholy? But does that stop me.
Dec 13, 2007 at 12:44 am rating: 34
#6
Cat Skyfire
Sinner to open it. Check. Angry tone (justified). Check. Heart next to name….wha?
Dec 13, 2007 at 12:44 am rating: 13
#7
Inga
The passion of Ashley! And He took bread, gave thanks, and broke it, and gave it unto them all, saying, “This is my body. DON’T TOUCH!”
That CRE business is going to drive me mad until someone comes up with a good excuse for it.
Dec 13, 2007 at 12:48 am rating: 15
#8
Crash
Damn…
I might have somthing witty to say
or sarcastic…..but really I didn’t know they made “Starbucks Frappucino Bars”
Anyway……
Dec 13, 2007 at 12:48 am rating: 4
#9
Grimfool
“I know who you are, so if you don’t (know who you are), I’ll go to the CRE (Christians Remembering Everyone) about it!” It’s Ashley’s way of being kind to the absent-minded sinners!
Dec 13, 2007 at 12:53 am rating: 7
#10
Canthz_B
“CRE”? She’s going to call upon Christ’s Resurrected Energy over a Frappuccino Bar?
So much for charity.
Dec 13, 2007 at 12:58 am rating: 12
#11
Tyler
“Dear Sinner.” Good thing they’re at a Christian college
. They can just repent and everything will be OK! (Except that would include replacing the stolen item. But at least you get a nice note out of the deal!)
Dec 13, 2007 at 12:59 am rating: 1
#12
Derek Wong
I enjoy the Christian college vibe. At least there are hearts to go around for everyone.
Dec 13, 2007 at 1:03 am rating: 4
#13
Canthz_B
Umm *gulp*, does anyone else have locusts covering their lawn right now? Okay, Okay…I’ll replace it! Just please make it stop!!
Dec 13, 2007 at 1:06 am rating: 13
#14
Simster
Those frappucino bars clearly belonged to Starbuck (Ashley clearly indicates this) so I think she should let Starbuck deal with the situation and leave the CRE out of it. Her inability to remain articulate when in a passionate rage will seriously impede the process should she pursue the issue on Starbuck’s behalf. Perhaps the person in question spoke to Starbuck and requested the last bar and Ashley should take up the problem with Starbuck him/her self – after all it seems Starbuck offered this bar to Ashley, leading to her secure sense of possession and the right to scrawl DON’T TOUCH on the box. Which leads us back to the fact that she refers to this bar as Starbuck’s and not her own, so I doubt the veracity of her claim to prior ownership. I hope Starbuck slaps her for her impudence.
Dec 13, 2007 at 1:11 am rating: 19
#15
usp45
Dear Ashley,
I have confessed my sins to Father Tom, and said 15 Hail Marry’s. He said all was forgiven. In short you aint getten the bar back.
love,
Sinner
Dec 13, 2007 at 1:19 am rating: 15
#16
Canthz_B
Dear Ashley,
I was going to take the last of Megan’s Heavenly Hash but your Frap. Bar just seemed like a lesser sin (it has a stick up the butt just like you).
Forgive me,
Sinner
Dec 13, 2007 at 1:27 am rating: 5
#17
whOOt
Reminds me of this video.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RSsJ19sy3JI
Dec 13, 2007 at 1:33 am rating: 1
#18
pirateywill
maybe she should have been more specific. I bet it would be possible to take one of those bars without touching the box.
Dec 13, 2007 at 2:17 am rating: 8
#19
fussbudget
dear ashley, please stop accusing me of stealing your shit. i have video and adio in process and it clearly shows you wandering into the kitchen at 3:00am and stuffing your face with frappucino bars and red bull burritos (aka red bullitos). i guess drink-food is your thing and that’s okay but it’s high time you gave up all this self-denial (maybe do it for lent).
p.s., god loves us all…even bulimics and/or chicks with that weird disorder that makes you sleep-walk down the stairs, into the kitchen, and across to the fridge to make and eat sandwiches and other random foodstuffs in the middle of the night (he probably saw it on dateline, too).
love, sinner
Dec 13, 2007 at 3:59 am rating: 10
#20
Scatman Dan
The little heart by the signature really adds to the note, I feel.
Dec 13, 2007 at 5:26 am rating: 3
#21
Grimfool
And why is “sinner” underlined once but “don’t touch” gets double stress? Is touching more PA than sinning?
Dec 13, 2007 at 5:46 am rating: 2
#22
jillfrost
You know, Ashley is that friend you see chewing gum and you ask for a piece and she says she doesn’t have anymore, but you know she does.
Dec 13, 2007 at 6:14 am rating: 14
#23
Willow
Who’s CRE? Christian Reprobate Eliminaters?
Dec 13, 2007 at 6:30 am rating: 2
#24
Willow
Well, at least she left Sinner a whole week to replace it…
Dec 13, 2007 at 6:31 am rating: 2
#25
Andy
Well, she specifically said DON’T TOUCH, not DON’T STEAL.
Though, I suppose to steal said bar, you have to touch said bar.
Is one of the Ten Commandments “Thou Shalt Not Touch”?
However, I do think that in referring to by Book of Douchebaggery, it states specifically, “Thou Shalt Not Sign Note Slamming Thy Neighbor With Cartoony Hearts”.
I suppose that’s following the philosophy of “Love the sinner, hate the sin”?
Dec 13, 2007 at 7:21 am rating: 6
#26
Toasty
For me, best response from Sinner would be “Forgive me.” tbh. Qudos to Bill Hicks once again…
Dec 13, 2007 at 7:22 am rating: 4
#27
GezD
Being a subversive in a Christian school must be lots of fun. What are the odds that Sinner targeted the bars specifically because they had DON’T TOUCH all over the box.
Dec 13, 2007 at 8:16 am rating: 7
#28
anglophile
I hope that, by the time Ashley graduates from this College, she has an understanding of grammar in replace of the one she has now.
Oh, and I also hope all her pink Sharpies have gone dry.
Dec 13, 2007 at 8:44 am rating: 9
#29
tragically mep
I think CRE = Christian Resident Ethicist. If PA notes don’t work, you have to take it to a higher authority.
Dec 13, 2007 at 9:28 am rating: 5
#30
Katzndogz
If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your Starbucks Frappuccino bars, do not stop him from taking your Chanellos cheese breadsticks.
Luke 6:29, New College Dorm Version
Dec 13, 2007 at 9:34 am rating: 8
#31
Wade
I have found small christian colleges to be finishing schools for passive-aggression.
(it’s probably Coordinator of Residence Education, but I like the other suggestions better, lol)
Dec 13, 2007 at 9:46 am rating: 7
#32
unholyghost2003
Dear Ashley,
As an alumna of a small, private, conservative, nondenominational college I think I should tell you; those of us that you refer to as “sinners” DELIGHT in that label. Not only has your note elicited giddy squeals of glee from the individual you are addressing, you have now made yourself a target for EVERY SINNER on campus. Lock your door tight! There will be pre-marital sex being had on your bed and all of your shit is going to be stolen. This time it wont be ONE mildly hungry dormmate, it will be people just trying to piss you off. They wont even eat the food, they will use it in other (probably disgusting) pranks on each other and other “Non-Sinners.” The rip on the top of the page suggests to me that obscene things have already been done to the note. Wear gloves if you are going to touch it.
<3 Sinner
Dec 13, 2007 at 9:56 am rating: 9
#33
jen
First stone, cast.
Dec 13, 2007 at 10:11 am rating: 5
#34
*sinner*
Hah!!! I love the heart with the name. I also love the fact that it was addressed to SINNER…!!!
STOP touching her frappucino bars!!! (wait, no don’t)
Dec 13, 2007 at 11:02 am rating: 1
#35
Rae
Dear Ashely,
Hold your hands out while I shove my index finger down my throat to activate my gag reflex so that you will promptly get your Starbucks bar back. Oh…look at that! A bonus…my pizza I had for lunch.
Dec 13, 2007 at 11:29 am rating: 2
#36
KittyKat
Sinner didn’t really want to take the last Frappucino Bar, but merely wanted to take the LIBERTY of taking the Frappucino bar. So why isn’t Ashley on him for stealing the liberty, too? What is she, some kind of Communist?
Dec 13, 2007 at 11:31 am rating: 3
#37
cvp
I believe that CRE stands for
Caffeine Rescue Ensemble
Dec 13, 2007 at 11:40 am rating: 2
#38
Wade
Now, the serpent was more crafty than any of the other residents on the hall.
And the serpent said to Sinner, “Did Ashley really say, “You must not eat from my Starbuck’s Frappucino Bar box’?”
And Sinner said to the serpent, “I can eat anything else in the room, but Ashley did write, specifically, ‘Don’t Touch’ or you will surely be reported to the CRE.”
“You will not surely be reported,” the serpent said to Sinner. “For Ashley knows that when you eat of the Frappucino Bar, your eyes will be opened, and you will have energy to face the day.”
When Sinner saw that the Frappucino Bar was delicious and attractively wrapped, and also desirable as an energy boost, she took some and ate it.
and so it began…
Dec 13, 2007 at 11:41 am rating: 24
#39
GhostWriter
To be fair… Ashley’s note on the box actually looked more like “Dort blicht!” which is Hungarian for “These are snacks!”
Who can really blame the poor little matchgirl who took one?
Dec 13, 2007 at 11:44 am rating: 7
#40
DrAstroZoom
Is it ok if I replace it with my love in your heart?
Dec 13, 2007 at 11:46 am rating: 7
#41
GhostWriter
The weird thing is, she’s missing a Frappucino bar…
…and I just found one on the steps (under a note saying “Seriously?”)
OK, OK! I’ll have it back in the box by Friday!
Dec 13, 2007 at 11:57 am rating: 7
#42
mere
if loving starbucks frappucino bars is a sin, then i don’t want to be .. umm.. holy?
<3
sinner.
Dec 13, 2007 at 12:10 pm rating: 1
#43
Tom Jones
CRE= coordinator for residential education
What is *should* mean:
craptastic rudeness eliminator
crippled rules enforcer
carping response evangelical
cheapskate reporting ethicist
chief raging (insert profanity that starts with an “E” here)
Dec 13, 2007 at 12:11 pm rating: 2
#44
Lurker
She’s going to report him to the Christian Right Evangelicals!
Dec 13, 2007 at 12:14 pm rating: 4
#45
Sundaeg1rl
She hates yet she still loves. Nice love heart on the bottom there.
Dec 13, 2007 at 12:28 pm rating: 3
#46
Quite Contrary
Dear Ashley:
Last I checked, we were in college. Shouldn’t you know basic grammar and tenses by now?
Please allow me to introduce you to the , (comma), ? (question mark), and the word “place.” Please note that “place” is really not interchangable with the word “replace.”
I hope this small (and free) grammar lesson will more than make up for the one Frappuchino bar.
Love (and I really mean that),
Sinner
Dec 13, 2007 at 12:38 pm rating: 8
#47
unholyghost2003
Two questions. Do you all think Ashley realizes that by putting up this note she is giving everyone who sees it carte blanche to steal the replacement ice-cream bar (if it IS replaced) with a built in scapegoat? Also, who here (other than me) would check the freezer EVERYDAY just in case the thief actually felt bad enough to replace the bar, just so they could steal it and keep the PA feud alive?
Dec 13, 2007 at 1:30 pm rating: 8
#48
acolyte
I believe Ashley’s divine rage was fully justified against the sinner who dared steal her blessed starbuck’s bars.
But the heart at the end of the note shows that Ashley has forgiven the sinner and has only love for them but they may have to see the Christian Religious Enforcer if they don’t replace those bars!
Dec 13, 2007 at 2:17 pm rating: 6
#49
Writer, Rejected
Jesus said when you have two overcoats, you are to give away the extra one to your brother or sister in need. I think, Ashley, we all know that this important Scriptural Lesson can extend to a variety of other luxury items, including delectables from a certain overpriced coffee chain.
Upon reflection, do you really think that Jesus would condone the pink markers, the snotty label “Sinner,” and the little tiny heart drawings? No, I think you know He would not like it at all.
In fact, I’m quite certain you know what Jesus would want you to do, Missy: share the bars and stop acting holier than thou.
As you learned in all your Freshman 101 classes: we’re all sinners, Ash. Live with it.
Dec 13, 2007 at 2:44 pm rating: 12
#50
Mishee
Sarah should’ve waited a day more before taking the picture to submit… she might have gotten the note with a bunch of penises drawn on it.
Dec 13, 2007 at 3:31 pm rating: 5
#51
SilverIris
Today’s haiku:
Frappuccino bars
are not meant for you. They are
for me and Jesus.
Dec 13, 2007 at 4:12 pm rating: 12
#52
chonny
There is a place for you in hell, Sinner. And that place is right between the heathen who stole the package of dentyne from Walmart and the godless woman who received the extra cheeseburger in her McDonalds bag and didn’t return it. You know who you are!
Dec 13, 2007 at 4:17 pm rating: 6
#53
Jodi Blaze
Thou shalt not steal Ashely’s Frap Bars
Dec 13, 2007 at 4:26 pm rating: 2
#54
Katzndogz
Have y’all seen the other PA notes in Sarah’s photostream? This one is good:
http://flickr.com/photos/sarahjc/99451973/in/photostream/
Dec 13, 2007 at 4:27 pm rating: 2
#55
s
nothing is worse than slanted writing.
Dec 13, 2007 at 4:29 pm rating: 2
#56
zoe
…”in replace of the one you took”??? I guess they don’t teach ENGLISH at Christian colleges. Or maybe only to the sinners.
Dec 13, 2007 at 4:34 pm rating: 2
#57
fussbudget
is a dear sinner somebody who does naughty things to dears (like getting them high and fat on people food), or a dear who does naughty things of his own accord (like framing unsuspecting humans for theft)?
also, CRE = christian revenge emulator (it’s a virtual reality holideck that lets you smash people in the face with a baseball bat without the guilt of actually doing it)
Dec 13, 2007 at 4:44 pm rating: 4
#58
TygerAKC
OK-Long time lurker, first time poster so please be kind!
I grew up going to Catholic grade school and high school, so as any good little Catholic girl knows, the First Commandment says:
I am the Lord thy God, Thou shalt have no other gods before me.
Clearly Ashely has been worshiping the false god of Starbucks and “sinner” was only trying to bring her back to the fold.
Dec 13, 2007 at 4:55 pm rating: 8
#59
fussbudget
i’d like to note that sinner isn’t the only sinner here:
LUST: i’m guilty of that one (ashley and sinner, i know it is wrong to secretly want to poke you and various other christian girls in your holy vaginas or at least see you kneeling down in your bra and panties saying prayers before bed)
GLUTTONY: well ashley and sinner, i have to say that you are both guilty here. there was only one bar left after all.
GREED: ashley, you are a greedy ho for not sharing your frappers in the first place. not everyone can afford such luxury, why not spread the wealth among your friends, and perhaps most of all, your enemies.
SLOTH: ashley, it was kind of lazy for you to forgo a simple grammar check before dropping your note. small ding to you.
WRATH: well, this one is all on you ashley. crazy ultimatums, threatening to go the the cre. be the better christian, girl.
ENVY: i’ll take this one, too. i envy anyone whose major crisis in life is an empty box of bourgeois candy bars
PRIDE: well, i never met a christian who didn’t suffer from this affliction, so ashley and sinner, i’m just going to assume that you both get dinged here.
RESULTS: um, WHY IS LUST A SIN geez? for the love of all things holy, what am i supposed to think about when christian girls start talking about bars and boxes.
Dec 13, 2007 at 5:13 pm rating: 3
#60
machead
CRE = Christian Rightwing Edumakashun
Dec 13, 2007 at 5:32 pm rating: 2
#61
Cimmy
Team Get a Mini Fridge.
Dec 13, 2007 at 5:34 pm rating: 2
#62
anonymous
Dear Ashley,
Do you remember in the bible where it cautions us to be kind to people and strangers??? You never know when someone in your daily life may ACTUALLY be a MESSENGER FROM GOD! Bet you never thought of that did you Ashley you little f**kstick. Well you blew it! Your one and only chance at Heaven. Just because your greedy and grasping.
And by the way…we know WHY your looking for the CRE. Naughty, naughty girl. We’ve seen the videos.
sinner
P.S. I did Sodom hunny and now I’m gonna do you. Heh
Dec 13, 2007 at 5:45 pm rating: 0
#63
saisei
Sounds like Ashley is FILLED with Christ’s love.
Though, sadly, not Starbucks Frappucino bars.
Is it even OK for Christians to eat Frappucino bars?…it sounds awfully sinful to me.
Dec 13, 2007 at 6:18 pm rating: 4
#64
fussbudget
with all this talk of christianity i was inspired to do something nice for humankind. so i decided to scroll down and +1 every single comment on this board. it’s just like that kevin spacey movie pay it forward except the nice thing i did probably isn’t big enough to actually make a difference in anybody’s day so they won’t bother paying it forward and also i’m not gay.
plus i only got about a third of the way down the list and then my computer froze and now i can’t be bothered going back and finishing it. oh well. i guess christianity isn’t all that it is cracked up to be (if it was cracked up, which maybe it isn’t now that i think about it)
Dec 13, 2007 at 6:59 pm rating: 5
#65
Canthz_B
CRE = Creator Restored Equity.
If 40 loaves and fishes can be stretched to feed masses of people, surely strong prayer can replace a Frappuccino.
Dec 13, 2007 at 7:37 pm rating: 3
#66
raiseyourglass
Dear Ashley,
Jesus made me do it.
Love ya,
God
Dec 13, 2007 at 7:38 pm rating: 4
#67
raiseyourglass
Who looks at the box? She should have taped the note on the bar.
xoxoxo
Dec 13, 2007 at 7:43 pm rating: 2
#68
fussbudget
i think ashley should make some friendship bracelets for her room-mates. they could be emblazened with the letters WWJDIHWJFASBAFBBHANSDT?* to help them act in good conscience at al times.
*What Would Jesus Do If He Was Jonesing For A Snack But Ashley’s Frappucino Bar Box Had A Note Saying Don’t Touch?
Dec 13, 2007 at 7:53 pm rating: 5
#69
kimba
the pink pen…the love heart….
but for an aussie like me the most amusing thing is that such a thing as a ‘frappucino bar’ even exists and people even eat them…
Dec 13, 2007 at 7:57 pm rating: 4
#70
Lurker
This wouldn’t have happened if she’d gone to Brigham Young instead.
Dec 14, 2007 at 10:21 am rating: 0
#71
frequent lurker
what is it with passive aggressive people and the phrase
“but did that stop you”
i think it should be added to the labels. dramatic christian kids.
Dec 20, 2007 at 9:49 pm rating: 1
#72
former RC
Was this at Greenville College?
Jan 23, 2008 at 7:15 am rating: 0
#73 the book of cubicleism, article iv: “the laying on of hands”
[...] so much for turning the other cheek extra credit: the great and dreadful day of the lord [...]
Nov 2, 2008 at 7:30 pm rating: 0
#74
gesundheit
Sehr wertvolle Informationen! Empfehlen!
Mar 11, 2009 at 12:52 pm rating: 0
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