So much for turning the other cheek

December 13th, 2007 · 140 comments

Thanks to Sarah for capturing this delicious little slice of life from her Christian college in Illinois. (Delicious like a quart of Starbucks Coffee Almond Fudge, not one measly little low-fat Frappucino bar.)

Dear Sinner, I specifically wrote on the box of Starbuck's Frappucino bars Don't Touch! But did that stop you. No instead you took the liberty of taking my last one!

related: but He took the wheel

FILED UNDER: apostrophe abuse · college life · excessive underlining · heart · ice cream · Illinois · irregular capitalization · not-so-veiled threats · spelling and grammar police · touching · You call that punctuation? · you're like so going to hell


140 responses so far ↓

  • #1   S.S.

    YAY! 1st comment! (first time that happens)

    ..and to continue the tradition:

    That Frapuccino bar was fucking delicious.

    Dec 13, 2007 at 12:26 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   Andy bang

      Now, now. Before we cast stones at the sin of using the phrase, the phrase was used perfectly in context.

      However, being a Christian college, I’m sure the phrasing was, “That Frappucino Bar was ding-dig-diggily delicious!” :D

      I’m letting the “First!” part of the comment slide, as well. :) Must be the power of the CRE flowing through me.

      Dec 13, 2007 at 7:34 am   rating: 15  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.2   park rose bang

      De-diddily-delcious?

      Neward Flanders channeling Sean Coombs.

      Dec 13, 2007 at 7:47 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.3   Rocky bang

      No, no no. Fair is fair. We’ve all worn the Unitard at least once I think…..

      A Unithong for S.S.

      Dec 13, 2007 at 10:02 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.4   Andy bang

      A unithong? Oy. :D

      Dec 13, 2007 at 10:24 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #2   Olivia

    That bright pink pen means serious business.

    I bet it was written by Britney Spears. Quick! Someone replace her Starbucks bar! I heard having a highly caffeinated diet could set someone off!

    Dec 13, 2007 at 12:29 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   S.S.

      Shhh, don’t say that, because I think that at the moment I have about 90% coffee, 10% blood running through my veins.

      Someone remind my why in the world I ever went to medical school. :/

      Dec 13, 2007 at 12:42 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.2   Crash bang

      So you could learn how to inject an I.V. of coffee in your veins….?
      8)

      Dec 13, 2007 at 12:56 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.3   Shane

      d00D, just chew on the coffee beans. Doesn’t leave track marks.

      Dec 13, 2007 at 5:12 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.4   Shane

      oh, and….. LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!!!! (sob)

      sorry, I just had to.

      Dec 13, 2007 at 5:14 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #3   eh

    team ashley. eff thieves.

    Dec 13, 2007 at 12:36 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #4   morpho aurora bang

    will someone PLEASE, for the love of all that is holy, confiscate this girl’s magic markers?
    i just know she uses the scented ones!

    Dec 13, 2007 at 12:36 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   usp45

      MA, Your right. I sniffed my screen, smells like raspberry.

      No no, wait …..thats my computer… never mind

      Dec 13, 2007 at 1:00 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.2   hamtax

      Those scented markers… were fucking… delicious? Did I do that right?

      Dec 13, 2007 at 11:00 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.3   Andy bang

      hamtax: Well, you did it right if William Shatner was reading it… well, more precisely:

      “Those… scented… markers……. were…. fuckingdelicious! KHAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

      *sigh* I wanna go home! *whine* :)

      Dec 13, 2007 at 6:10 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.4   super_fan99 bang

      Andy: That’s close but I think it’s like this:

      “Those…scented markers….were fucking delicious!!!
      KHAN!!!!!!!!!!!!”

      It’s all about the grouping you see?

      Dec 13, 2007 at 8:40 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.5   Andy bang

      Yes, you’re right. It’s a kind of morse code pacing… short long short short long… KHAN!

      Dec 13, 2007 at 9:02 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #5   Grimfool

    What parents would name their daughter “Sinner” and then send her off to a Christian college? And, do Christian college students find question marks unholy? But does that stop me.

    Dec 13, 2007 at 12:44 am   rating: 38  small thumbs up

     
  • #6   Cat Skyfire

    Sinner to open it. Check. Angry tone (justified). Check. Heart next to name….wha?

    Dec 13, 2007 at 12:44 am   rating: 14  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   frostedflake

      yeah, seriously…..these girls who leave the notes, but sign with a heart… “I HATE YOU WITH A BURNING PASSION, YOU FUCKING BITCH!! luv, Amber(or whatever cutesy name)”. and in pink, and yeah, probably strawberry scented. and “dear sinner-i know who you are”…for crying out loud, why not just say “listen, bambi, stop (whatever the ‘sin’ is)…”. now me, i’d write a passive note, but with an aggressive permanent black sharpie!

      Jun 25, 2009 at 11:18 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #7   Inga bang

    The passion of Ashley! And He took bread, gave thanks, and broke it, and gave it unto them all, saying, “This is my body. DON’T TOUCH!”

    That CRE business is going to drive me mad until someone comes up with a good excuse for it.

    Dec 13, 2007 at 12:48 am   rating: 16  small thumbs up

    • #7.1   pirateywill

      i hope Mel Gibson doesn’t direct that movie! there would be a 20 minute sequence of the girl being flogged with a frapuccino bar!

      Dec 13, 2007 at 2:15 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #8   Crash bang

    Damn…
    I might have somthing witty to say
    or sarcastic…..but really I didn’t know they made “Starbucks Frappucino Bars”
    Anyway……

    Dec 13, 2007 at 12:48 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #9   Grimfool

    “I know who you are, so if you don’t (know who you are), I’ll go to the CRE (Christians Remembering Everyone) about it!” It’s Ashley’s way of being kind to the absent-minded sinners!

    Dec 13, 2007 at 12:53 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #9.1   park rose bang

      Dear Sin-nah, if you don’t know who you are, Jesus will help you find a way, and I can help you find a way to Jesus (via CRE), because I know who you are and who He is, too.

      I imagine she would stress the greeting.

      Dec 13, 2007 at 7:38 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #10   Canthz_B bang

    “CRE”? She’s going to call upon Christ’s Resurrected Energy over a Frappuccino Bar?
    So much for charity.

    Dec 13, 2007 at 12:58 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #10.1   Inga bang

      That has GOT to be it – oh, excellent. Thank you. I couldn’t tell if it were the caffeine in my system, the CRE dilemma, or if I’d just been possessed and was going to bust out into some wild speaking-in-tongues thing. I’d push that little plus sign thing five times if it’d let me.

      Dec 13, 2007 at 1:09 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #11   Tyler bang

    “Dear Sinner.” Good thing they’re at a Christian college :) . They can just repent and everything will be OK! (Except that would include replacing the stolen item. But at least you get a nice note out of the deal!)

    Dec 13, 2007 at 12:59 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   Rocky bang

      Wait – I thought repenting was enough to let you in the pearly gates….no one said anything about refunding…………!

      Dec 13, 2007 at 10:05 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #12   Derek Wong

    I enjoy the Christian college vibe. At least there are hearts to go around for everyone.

    Dec 13, 2007 at 1:03 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #13   Canthz_B bang

    Umm *gulp*, does anyone else have locusts covering their lawn right now? Okay, Okay…I’ll replace it! Just please make it stop!! :|

    Dec 13, 2007 at 1:06 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

    • #13.1   Crash bang

      I’ve got hail and fire, I’m thinking of sacrificing a lamb…..
      Damn those Frappucino bars.

      Dec 13, 2007 at 1:17 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #14   Simster

    Those frappucino bars clearly belonged to Starbuck (Ashley clearly indicates this) so I think she should let Starbuck deal with the situation and leave the CRE out of it. Her inability to remain articulate when in a passionate rage will seriously impede the process should she pursue the issue on Starbuck’s behalf. Perhaps the person in question spoke to Starbuck and requested the last bar and Ashley should take up the problem with Starbuck him/her self – after all it seems Starbuck offered this bar to Ashley, leading to her secure sense of possession and the right to scrawl DON’T TOUCH on the box. Which leads us back to the fact that she refers to this bar as Starbuck’s and not her own, so I doubt the veracity of her claim to prior ownership. I hope Starbuck slaps her for her impudence.

    Dec 13, 2007 at 1:11 am   rating: 20  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   Obstreperous B

      Sir or Madam, you are awesome.

      That is all.

      Dec 13, 2007 at 6:04 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.2   Rocky bang

      And what about that oh so Christian of activities…..
      Sharing?

      Dec 13, 2007 at 10:07 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.3   Numinous bang

      So, which Starbuck do you think it is: Dirk Benedict or Katee Sackhoff?

      Dec 14, 2007 at 7:58 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.4   dakimob

      First time poster, longtime lurker.

      As to which Starbuck? Katee Sackhoff. I’d love to see that Starbuck smack Ashley for being so petty over a bar that’s not even hers to begin with.

      I can’t stop laughing at the images that brings up.

      Simster, you rock! That was genius!

      Dec 15, 2007 at 1:07 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.5   Numinous bang

      Maybe, but I really don’t see Katee Sackhoff sharing her bars. Lets face it, she’d be like, “Get your own frackin’ bars.”

      Dirk Benedict on the other hand, I figure he’d use one of those bars to charm his way into getting what he wants. Especially if there was a girl involved.

      Dec 16, 2007 at 10:56 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #15   usp45

    Dear Ashley,
    I have confessed my sins to Father Tom, and said 15 Hail Marry’s. He said all was forgiven. In short you aint getten the bar back.

    love,
    Sinner

    Dec 13, 2007 at 1:19 am   rating: 16  small thumbs up

     
  • #16   Canthz_B bang

    Dear Ashley,
    I was going to take the last of Megan’s Heavenly Hash but your Frap. Bar just seemed like a lesser sin (it has a stick up the butt just like you).
    Forgive me,

    Sinner

    Dec 13, 2007 at 1:27 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #17   whOOt

    Reminds me of this video.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RSsJ19sy3JI

    Dec 13, 2007 at 1:33 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #17.1   this one guy

      doh! i’m gonna git you…

      Dec 13, 2007 at 1:38 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #17.2   raiseyourglass

      That’s the guy! I’ve been trying to think of who it was that Clay Aiken reminded me of!

      MAN that’s been driving me nuts for years!

      Dec 13, 2007 at 7:52 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #17.3   anglophile bang

      Damn! Rickrolled again!

      Dec 13, 2007 at 7:58 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #18   pirateywill

    maybe she should have been more specific. I bet it would be possible to take one of those bars without touching the box.

    Dec 13, 2007 at 2:17 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

     
  • #19   fussbudget bang

    dear ashley, please stop accusing me of stealing your shit. i have video and adio in process and it clearly shows you wandering into the kitchen at 3:00am and stuffing your face with frappucino bars and red bull burritos (aka red bullitos). i guess drink-food is your thing and that’s okay but it’s high time you gave up all this self-denial (maybe do it for lent).

    p.s., god loves us all…even bulimics and/or chicks with that weird disorder that makes you sleep-walk down the stairs, into the kitchen, and across to the fridge to make and eat sandwiches and other random foodstuffs in the middle of the night (he probably saw it on dateline, too).

    love, sinner

    Dec 13, 2007 at 3:59 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

     
  • #20   Scatman Dan

    The little heart by the signature really adds to the note, I feel.

    Dec 13, 2007 at 5:26 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #21   Grimfool

    And why is “sinner” underlined once but “don’t touch” gets double stress? Is touching more PA than sinning?

    Dec 13, 2007 at 5:46 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #21.1   mamason bang

      It depends on what you’re touching.

      Dec 13, 2007 at 6:17 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.2   park rose bang

      That’s not more PA, it’s just more sinful. ;-). Plus, if sinner had been doing it enough, she’d probably gone blind, so Ashley realised that double stress was needed if there was to be any hope of catching her attention.

      Dec 14, 2007 at 4:47 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #22   jillfrost

    You know, Ashley is that friend you see chewing gum and you ask for a piece and she says she doesn’t have anymore, but you know she does.

    Dec 13, 2007 at 6:14 am   rating: 14  small thumbs up

    • #22.1   Andy bang

      That is so true. Or, if you see her eating a Frappucino Bar and ask for one. ;)

      Dec 13, 2007 at 7:27 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #22.2   Rocky bang

      That’s why I didn’t ask and went straight to the fridge and got her last one. She may think I’m a sinner, but I KNOW she’s a liar!!!!!! And so does GOD!

      Dec 13, 2007 at 10:09 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #22.3   Canthz_B bang

      Yeah, or rips a stick in half.

      Dec 13, 2007 at 7:16 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #23   Willow

    Who’s CRE? Christian Reprobate Eliminaters?

    Dec 13, 2007 at 6:30 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #23.1   Andy bang

      Heh. I like it.

      The thing I like about these kind of notes is that they say they know exactly who did it, then leave a note threatening said person — but they don’t mention the offender.

      However, I’m sure in the course of her day, she’s told everyone who could hear her voice that “So-and-so TOOK my last Frappucino Bar, even AFTER I wrote on there DON’T TOUCH! I pray for so-an-so’s soul. Let’s go to prayer circle!”

      And Jesus wept. :D

      Dec 13, 2007 at 7:25 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.2   amy d bang

      I believe it stands for the little known group Christ’s Repentance Enforcers. Their motto is “We make sinners sorry”.

      Dec 13, 2007 at 9:16 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.3   Andy bang

      I wish I could give some of these more than one +. :D

      Dec 13, 2007 at 11:54 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #24   Willow

    Well, at least she left Sinner a whole week to replace it…

    Dec 13, 2007 at 6:31 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #25   Andy bang

    Well, she specifically said DON’T TOUCH, not DON’T STEAL.

    Though, I suppose to steal said bar, you have to touch said bar.

    Is one of the Ten Commandments “Thou Shalt Not Touch”?

    However, I do think that in referring to by Book of Douchebaggery, it states specifically, “Thou Shalt Not Sign Note Slamming Thy Neighbor With Cartoony Hearts”.

    I suppose that’s following the philosophy of “Love the sinner, hate the sin”?

    Dec 13, 2007 at 7:21 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #25.1   park rose bang

      Andy: Is one of the Ten Commandments “Thou Shalt Not Touch”?

      It is if it’s the neighbour’s wife in question.

      Dec 14, 2007 at 4:51 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.2   Andy bang

      park rose: That’s a very good point! :D

      Dec 14, 2007 at 7:24 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #26   Toasty

    For me, best response from Sinner would be “Forgive me.” tbh. Qudos to Bill Hicks once again… :)

    Dec 13, 2007 at 7:22 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #27   GezD bang

    Being a subversive in a Christian school must be lots of fun. What are the odds that Sinner targeted the bars specifically because they had DON’T TOUCH all over the box.

    Dec 13, 2007 at 8:16 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #27.1   GezD bang

      I missed out the question mark on purpose. Or did I.

      Dec 13, 2007 at 8:17 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #28   anglophile bang

    I hope that, by the time Ashley graduates from this College, she has an understanding of grammar in replace of the one she has now.

    Oh, and I also hope all her pink Sharpies have gone dry.

    Dec 13, 2007 at 8:44 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #28.1   Rocky bang

      You beat me to it Anglo – I was waiting to read to the end first but….She’s in college? What are they teaching there…Oh, Christian college. I guess they don’t teach English, only Tongues!

      And remember, it’s not a Sharpie, its a raspberry scented marker she received in replace of the “DON’T TOUCH” labeled Sharpie she stole from the office during her summer internship at Christian Reformers Enclave.

      Plus, everyone knows that this Starbuck guy is the Devil (how else can you account for massive sales of $4 cups of coffee while everyone is complaining about $3 gallons of gas?).

      Dec 13, 2007 at 10:19 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #29   tragically mep bang

    I think CRE = Christian Resident Ethicist. If PA notes don’t work, you have to take it to a higher authority.

    Dec 13, 2007 at 9:28 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #30   Katzndogz bang

    If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your Starbucks Frappuccino bars, do not stop him from taking your Chanellos cheese breadsticks.

    Luke 6:29, New College Dorm Version

    Dec 13, 2007 at 9:34 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #30.1   Juliet bang

      Thank you, Katzndogz.

      Leaving P-A notes is decidedly un-Christ-like. I think Ashley should ask herself, “What Would Jesus Do?”

      If Jesus were to leave a note at all, it would probably say something like, “Those Frappachino bars were really great, weren’t they? I’m getting another box next Tuesday. See you here!”

      I’m hard pressed to imagine Jesus addressing anyone as ‘sinner’. God of course would, but not Jesus.

      Dec 13, 2007 at 11:24 am   rating: 18  small thumbs up

       
    • #30.2   tragically mep bang

      Juliet, I wish I could press the plus rating button 20 times on your comment!

      “See you here.” Brilliant!

      Dec 13, 2007 at 12:40 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #30.3   SilverIris bang

      Technically, Ashley *could* overturn all the furniture in the apartment while yelling and cracking a bull whip and throwing an all-out hissy fit over the injustice that has turned her father’s house (who knows, maybe he pays her rent) into a den of thieves, and she could pass it off as following Jesus’ actions in the Temple.

      To which I could only say, “Yeah, but that was different.”

      And if she were to ask why it’s so different, I guess my answer would have to be, “I don’t know. Because he was freaking Jesus, man.”

      Dec 13, 2007 at 4:23 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #31   Wade bang

    I have found small christian colleges to be finishing schools for passive-aggression.

    (it’s probably Coordinator of Residence Education, but I like the other suggestions better, lol)

    Dec 13, 2007 at 9:46 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #31.1   Juliet bang

      Yes, because they are human and they are trying to rise above some of the more human parts of life, ie that feeling of annoyance when someone eats the last of your food.
      But as Christians they aren’t supposed to get upset about it, even though it is kind of upsetting (it would upset me if someone took the *last* of any food item). So they have to vent their anger through notes such as this one (which isn’t all bad, of course). :-)

      Dec 13, 2007 at 11:27 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #31.2   Wade bang

      that is my point, Juliet. rather than dealing honestly and openly with their feelings, disputes, whatever… it’s all covered over with a thin veneer of niceness and piety. Granted, “sinner” may have been written tongue-in-cheek, but it more likely is a peek at a lot of repressed anger that will eventually manifest itself.

      Dec 13, 2007 at 12:37 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #31.3   Numinous bang

      So, are we saying these are our future serial killers?

      Dec 14, 2007 at 8:14 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #32   unholyghost2003 bang

    Dear Ashley,
    As an alumna of a small, private, conservative, nondenominational college I think I should tell you; those of us that you refer to as “sinners” DELIGHT in that label. Not only has your note elicited giddy squeals of glee from the individual you are addressing, you have now made yourself a target for EVERY SINNER on campus. Lock your door tight! There will be pre-marital sex being had on your bed and all of your shit is going to be stolen. This time it wont be ONE mildly hungry dormmate, it will be people just trying to piss you off. They wont even eat the food, they will use it in other (probably disgusting) pranks on each other and other “Non-Sinners.” The rip on the top of the page suggests to me that obscene things have already been done to the note. Wear gloves if you are going to touch it.

    <3 Sinner

    Dec 13, 2007 at 9:56 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #32.1   GhostWriter bang

      “…there will be pre-marital sex being had on your bed…”

      All through college, I dreamed of getting this as a chinese cookie fortune.

      Dec 13, 2007 at 11:47 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #32.2   unholyghost2003 bang

      sadly Ashley will not be a participant in said premarital sex.

      Dec 13, 2007 at 11:56 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #33   jen

    First stone, cast.

    Dec 13, 2007 at 10:11 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #34   *sinner*

    Hah!!! I love the heart with the name. I also love the fact that it was addressed to SINNER…!!!

    STOP touching her frappucino bars!!! (wait, no don’t)

    Dec 13, 2007 at 11:02 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #35   Rae

    Dear Ashely,

    Hold your hands out while I shove my index finger down my throat to activate my gag reflex so that you will promptly get your Starbucks bar back. Oh…look at that! A bonus…my pizza I had for lunch.

    Dec 13, 2007 at 11:29 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #35.1   Rocky bang

      Would that be Hideaway’s individual cheese pizza with chicken, bacon, sun-dried tomato and feta cheese for $6.31 with salad & choice of dressing?

      You mean HC’s pizza that you had for lunch!
      Wait, Rae, that means YOU are “to whom it may concern”!!!!

      Dec 13, 2007 at 4:44 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #35.2   Rae

      Damnit. I’ve been caught. So, I like food! And good food at that. I regurgitate my food so that I can stay slim and sleek. I really want to wear the unitard that everyone speaks so fondly of.

      Dec 13, 2007 at 11:31 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #36   KittyKat

    Sinner didn’t really want to take the last Frappucino Bar, but merely wanted to take the LIBERTY of taking the Frappucino bar. So why isn’t Ashley on him for stealing the liberty, too? What is she, some kind of Communist?

    Dec 13, 2007 at 11:31 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #37   cvp bang

    I believe that CRE stands for
    Caffeine Rescue Ensemble

    Dec 13, 2007 at 11:40 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #38   Wade bang

    Now, the serpent was more crafty than any of the other residents on the hall.

    And the serpent said to Sinner, “Did Ashley really say, “You must not eat from my Starbuck’s Frappucino Bar box’?”

    And Sinner said to the serpent, “I can eat anything else in the room, but Ashley did write, specifically, ‘Don’t Touch’ or you will surely be reported to the CRE.”

    “You will not surely be reported,” the serpent said to Sinner. “For Ashley knows that when you eat of the Frappucino Bar, your eyes will be opened, and you will have energy to face the day.”

    When Sinner saw that the Frappucino Bar was delicious and attractively wrapped, and also desirable as an energy boost, she took some and ate it.

    and so it began…

    Dec 13, 2007 at 11:41 am   rating: 24  small thumbs up

     
  • #39   GhostWriter bang

    To be fair… Ashley’s note on the box actually looked more like “Dort blicht!” which is Hungarian for “These are snacks!”

    Who can really blame the poor little matchgirl who took one?

    Dec 13, 2007 at 11:44 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

     
  • #40   DrAstroZoom

    Is it ok if I replace it with my love in your heart?

    Dec 13, 2007 at 11:46 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

     
  • #41   GhostWriter bang

    The weird thing is, she’s missing a Frappucino bar…

    …and I just found one on the steps (under a note saying “Seriously?”)

    OK, OK! I’ll have it back in the box by Friday!

    Dec 13, 2007 at 11:57 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #41.1   Juliet

      Great comment!

      Dec 13, 2007 at 12:37 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #42   mere bang

    if loving starbucks frappucino bars is a sin, then i don’t want to be .. umm.. holy?
    <3
    sinner.

    Dec 13, 2007 at 12:10 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #43   Tom Jones

    CRE= coordinator for residential education

    What is *should* mean:
    craptastic rudeness eliminator
    crippled rules enforcer
    carping response evangelical
    cheapskate reporting ethicist
    chief raging (insert profanity that starts with an “E” here)

    Dec 13, 2007 at 12:11 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #43.1   unholyghost2003 bang

      ummmm is there a profanity that starts with E?

      Dec 13, 2007 at 12:38 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #43.2   Writerrejected bang

      Ejaculate…is that profane?

      Dec 13, 2007 at 3:16 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #43.3   Wade bang

      excrement?

      Dec 13, 2007 at 3:17 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #43.4   Lorelie

      enema?

      Dec 13, 2007 at 3:55 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #43.5   SilverIris bang

      Actually, there is no profanity, it really just stands for “[expletive].”

      They are at a Christian school here people! If ever there was a place in which such a meta acronym could exist, I feel confident this would be it.

      Dec 13, 2007 at 4:26 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #43.6   Andy bang

      No, it’s “Eastern Orthodox”. We’re all about AMERICAN Christianity here, people! USA!

      Dec 14, 2007 at 10:35 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #44   Lurker

    She’s going to report him to the Christian Right Evangelicals!

    Dec 13, 2007 at 12:14 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #45   Sundaeg1rl

    She hates yet she still loves. Nice love heart on the bottom there.

    Dec 13, 2007 at 12:28 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #46   Quite Contrary

    Dear Ashley:

    Last I checked, we were in college. Shouldn’t you know basic grammar and tenses by now?

    Please allow me to introduce you to the , (comma), ? (question mark), and the word “place.” Please note that “place” is really not interchangable with the word “replace.”

    I hope this small (and free) grammar lesson will more than make up for the one Frappuchino bar.

    Love (and I really mean that),
    Sinner

    Dec 13, 2007 at 12:38 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

     
  • #47   unholyghost2003 bang

    Two questions. Do you all think Ashley realizes that by putting up this note she is giving everyone who sees it carte blanche to steal the replacement ice-cream bar (if it IS replaced) with a built in scapegoat? Also, who here (other than me) would check the freezer EVERYDAY just in case the thief actually felt bad enough to replace the bar, just so they could steal it and keep the PA feud alive?

    Dec 13, 2007 at 1:30 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #47.1   Andy bang

      uhg: That’s just fiendishly clever. I’d have to say I’d do that as well. I’d also leave a note simply stating, “*burp*”.

      I’ve done that before — actually, it wasn’t something I ate, it’s just that some people here would “bribe” an instrument to work with an offering of chocolate on top. So, I’d toss the candy, keep the wrapper, and add the note.

      Hey, I was amused, so thppt. :D

      Dec 13, 2007 at 1:51 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #47.2   amazon bang

      I think I’d eat it, and then leave the wrapper in the box. That’s even more infuriating!

      Dec 13, 2007 at 2:09 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #47.3   Lorelie

      I’d eat it, then replace it with an ice cream chocolate taco. If it had been sitting at the back of a freezer getting freezer burned for 10 months, even better.

      Dec 13, 2007 at 3:59 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #47.4   Inga bang

      Hold it. This “bar” is made of ICE CREAM? Hold it hard and hold it right there; this changes everything. I thought this was a granola-ie, puffed-ricish, chocolate-covered-espresso-beanly little overpriced piece of crap wrapped in too many layers of garish tinfoil and cardboad . . . the kind of yuppie non-food that comes six in an enormous box you can hurl across the entire grocery store, even if you throw like a girl.

      Ice cream. You just hang on right there. I’m taking back my previous opinion and putting this one in replace of it. “Sinner” is too kind a word for someone who would stoop so low.

      Jesus is perceived as generous, sure, but He never ate ice cream.

      Dec 13, 2007 at 7:09 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #47.5   Wade bang

      http://www.starbucks.com/grocery/frap_flavors.asp

      :D

      Dec 13, 2007 at 7:46 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #48   acolyte

    I believe Ashley’s divine rage was fully justified against the sinner who dared steal her blessed starbuck’s bars.
    But the heart at the end of the note shows that Ashley has forgiven the sinner and has only love for them but they may have to see the Christian Religious Enforcer if they don’t replace those bars!

    Dec 13, 2007 at 2:17 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

     
  • #49   Writer, Rejected

    Jesus said when you have two overcoats, you are to give away the extra one to your brother or sister in need. I think, Ashley, we all know that this important Scriptural Lesson can extend to a variety of other luxury items, including delectables from a certain overpriced coffee chain.

    Upon reflection, do you really think that Jesus would condone the pink markers, the snotty label “Sinner,” and the little tiny heart drawings? No, I think you know He would not like it at all.

    In fact, I’m quite certain you know what Jesus would want you to do, Missy: share the bars and stop acting holier than thou.

    As you learned in all your Freshman 101 classes: we’re all sinners, Ash. Live with it.

    Dec 13, 2007 at 2:44 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #49.1   Inga bang

      Very creepy, WR – what if Ashley is on a diet and has written this note to herself? And what if Ashley is also the CRE?

      Well, it won’t quite work, but you did give me a little shiver.

      Dec 13, 2007 at 7:22 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #50   Mishee bang

    Sarah should’ve waited a day more before taking the picture to submit… she might have gotten the note with a bunch of penises drawn on it.

    Dec 13, 2007 at 3:31 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #51   SilverIris bang

    Today’s haiku:
    Frappuccino bars
    are not meant for you. They are
    for me and Jesus.

    Dec 13, 2007 at 4:12 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

     
  • #52   chonny

    There is a place for you in hell, Sinner. And that place is right between the heathen who stole the package of dentyne from Walmart and the godless woman who received the extra cheeseburger in her McDonalds bag and didn’t return it. You know who you are!

    Dec 13, 2007 at 4:17 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

     
  • #53   Jodi Blaze

    Thou shalt not steal Ashely’s Frap Bars

    Dec 13, 2007 at 4:26 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #54   Katzndogz bang

    Have y’all seen the other PA notes in Sarah’s photostream? This one is good:

    http://flickr.com/photos/sarahjc/99451973/in/photostream/

    Dec 13, 2007 at 4:27 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #55   s

    nothing is worse than slanted writing.

    Dec 13, 2007 at 4:29 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #56   zoe

    …”in replace of the one you took”??? I guess they don’t teach ENGLISH at Christian colleges. Or maybe only to the sinners.

    Dec 13, 2007 at 4:34 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #57   fussbudget bang

    is a dear sinner somebody who does naughty things to dears (like getting them high and fat on people food), or a dear who does naughty things of his own accord (like framing unsuspecting humans for theft)?

    also, CRE = christian revenge emulator (it’s a virtual reality holideck that lets you smash people in the face with a baseball bat without the guilt of actually doing it)

    Dec 13, 2007 at 4:44 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #57.1   fussbudget bang

      oh snap i shoulda said holydeck

      Dec 13, 2007 at 6:14 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #58   TygerAKC bang

    OK-Long time lurker, first time poster so please be kind!

    I grew up going to Catholic grade school and high school, so as any good little Catholic girl knows, the First Commandment says:
    I am the Lord thy God, Thou shalt have no other gods before me.
    Clearly Ashely has been worshiping the false god of Starbucks and “sinner” was only trying to bring her back to the fold.

    Dec 13, 2007 at 4:55 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

     
  • #59   fussbudget bang

    i’d like to note that sinner isn’t the only sinner here:

    LUST: i’m guilty of that one (ashley and sinner, i know it is wrong to secretly want to poke you and various other christian girls in your holy vaginas or at least see you kneeling down in your bra and panties saying prayers before bed)

    GLUTTONY: well ashley and sinner, i have to say that you are both guilty here. there was only one bar left after all.

    GREED: ashley, you are a greedy ho for not sharing your frappers in the first place. not everyone can afford such luxury, why not spread the wealth among your friends, and perhaps most of all, your enemies.

    SLOTH: ashley, it was kind of lazy for you to forgo a simple grammar check before dropping your note. small ding to you.

    WRATH: well, this one is all on you ashley. crazy ultimatums, threatening to go the the cre. be the better christian, girl.

    ENVY: i’ll take this one, too. i envy anyone whose major crisis in life is an empty box of bourgeois candy bars

    PRIDE: well, i never met a christian who didn’t suffer from this affliction, so ashley and sinner, i’m just going to assume that you both get dinged here.

    RESULTS: um, WHY IS LUST A SIN geez? for the love of all things holy, what am i supposed to think about when christian girls start talking about bars and boxes.

    Dec 13, 2007 at 5:13 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #60   machead

    CRE = Christian Rightwing Edumakashun

    Dec 13, 2007 at 5:32 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #61   Cimmy

    Team Get a Mini Fridge.

    Dec 13, 2007 at 5:34 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #62   anonymous

    Dear Ashley,
    Do you remember in the bible where it cautions us to be kind to people and strangers??? You never know when someone in your daily life may ACTUALLY be a MESSENGER FROM GOD! Bet you never thought of that did you Ashley you little f**kstick. Well you blew it! Your one and only chance at Heaven. Just because your greedy and grasping.
    And by the way…we know WHY your looking for the CRE. Naughty, naughty girl. We’ve seen the videos.
    sinner
    P.S. I did Sodom hunny and now I’m gonna do you. Heh

    Dec 13, 2007 at 5:45 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #63   saisei

    Sounds like Ashley is FILLED with Christ’s love.

    Though, sadly, not Starbucks Frappucino bars.

    Is it even OK for Christians to eat Frappucino bars?…it sounds awfully sinful to me.

    Dec 13, 2007 at 6:18 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #64   fussbudget bang

    with all this talk of christianity i was inspired to do something nice for humankind. so i decided to scroll down and +1 every single comment on this board. it’s just like that kevin spacey movie pay it forward except the nice thing i did probably isn’t big enough to actually make a difference in anybody’s day so they won’t bother paying it forward and also i’m not gay.

    plus i only got about a third of the way down the list and then my computer froze and now i can’t be bothered going back and finishing it. oh well. i guess christianity isn’t all that it is cracked up to be (if it was cracked up, which maybe it isn’t now that i think about it)

    Dec 13, 2007 at 6:59 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #64.1   fussbudget bang

      the guilt was killing me so i went back and finished the job. +1s for everybody, love fussbudget.

      Dec 13, 2007 at 8:08 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #64.2   cvp bang

      oh, thanks for blowing it. that was my first ever post and i thought someone actually liked it…

      Dec 13, 2007 at 9:47 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #65   Canthz_B bang

    CRE = Creator Restored Equity.
    If 40 loaves and fishes can be stretched to feed masses of people, surely strong prayer can replace a Frappuccino.

    Dec 13, 2007 at 7:37 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #66   raiseyourglass

    Dear Ashley,
    Jesus made me do it.
    Love ya,
    God

    Dec 13, 2007 at 7:38 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #67   raiseyourglass

    Who looks at the box? She should have taped the note on the bar.

    xoxoxo

    Dec 13, 2007 at 7:43 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #68   fussbudget bang

    i think ashley should make some friendship bracelets for her room-mates. they could be emblazened with the letters WWJDIHWJFASBAFBBHANSDT?* to help them act in good conscience at al times.

    *What Would Jesus Do If He Was Jonesing For A Snack But Ashley’s Frappucino Bar Box Had A Note Saying Don’t Touch?

    Dec 13, 2007 at 7:53 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #69   kimba

    the pink pen…the love heart….

    but for an aussie like me the most amusing thing is that such a thing as a ‘frappucino bar’ even exists and people even eat them…

    Dec 13, 2007 at 7:57 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #69.1   park rose bang

      Hey ‘grats, kimba, on “word!” of the day, from an Aussie like me (to prove it, I’m now going to bed).

      Dec 14, 2007 at 9:26 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #70   Lurker

    This wouldn’t have happened if she’d gone to Brigham Young instead.

    Dec 14, 2007 at 10:21 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #71   frequent lurker

    what is it with passive aggressive people and the phrase
    “but did that stop you”
    i think it should be added to the labels. dramatic christian kids.

    Dec 20, 2007 at 9:49 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #72   former RC

    Was this at Greenville College?

    Jan 23, 2008 at 7:15 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #73   the book of cubicleism, article iv: “the laying on of hands”

    [...] so much for turning the other cheek extra credit: the great and dreadful day of the lord [...]

    Nov 2, 2008 at 7:30 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #74   gesundheit

    Sehr wertvolle Informationen! Empfehlen!

    Mar 11, 2009 at 12:52 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     

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