mara in minneapolis ( average temperature in january: 12° F/-11° C) says the worst job she’s ever had was at a local thrift store – and not because of the crazy customers and their indiscreet use of the fitting rooms. no, like many workers, the crazy person driving mara crazy was her boss — the author of the masterpiece below.
mara says she lasted three weeks before her boss made her so angry that she walked out and never looked back. (no, not even to leave a little surprise behind in the bath–er, fitting room. that’s management-level thinking, folks.)
related: when nature calls
133 responses so far ↓
#1
anglophile
(I am a tool that’s why I am the manager).
Jan 9, 2008 at 9:08 pm rating: +19
#2
Nix
Beware of little people with big badges!
Whatta bitch.
Jan 9, 2008 at 9:09 pm rating: +5
#3
Wade
Warms up from the lights?
What are they illuminating the store with – torches?
Jan 9, 2008 at 9:14 pm rating: +11
#4
Canthz_B
“I am the Heat Miser. If you don’t like the temperature, I will be the Wardrobe Nazi as well. I will not set the thermostat to turn the heat up an hour before my serfs arrive. Their work will generate the requisite heat for their survival. Now, back to my office where my space heater awaits me!”
Jan 9, 2008 at 9:17 pm rating: +6
#5
morpho aurora
and as soon as i take off this sweatshirt, i’m going to wrap it around your throat until you turn blue. and die.
Jan 9, 2008 at 9:19 pm rating: +7
#6
Mishee
I hate to do this to the PAN Goddess, but this IS PAN, so anything posted on this page is fair game (including the google ads) –
Umm, what the hell is this??
…before her boss her so angry that she walked…”
I love ya Kerry!!!
(Ok, possibly I am a tad bitter since my submission hasn’t been posted yet! let me take you on a “guilt trip” Goddess!) lol!
Jan 9, 2008 at 9:25 pm rating: +1
#7
Canthz_B
Dear Manager,
Making us turn as blue as Smurfs is a great concept, huh? Maybe that’s why you manage a thrift store!
—The Thermostat Touch-ers
Jan 9, 2008 at 9:25 pm rating: +4
#8
Mishee
Shit like this is why I live in California. It got down to 50 today! Brrrrrr!!!
Jan 9, 2008 at 9:30 pm rating: 0
#9
Crash
She sounds a little fridged to me…
Jan 9, 2008 at 9:35 pm rating: +5
#10
Canthz_B
So now I know what “cold sales” means!
Jan 9, 2008 at 9:45 pm rating: 0
#11
Canthz_B
Sign seen in Minneapolis:
Stripper Thrift Shop…The more you shop, the more we drop!
Jan 9, 2008 at 9:50 pm rating: +3
#12
Mishee
What happens if you are super cold, but don’t have a sweatshirt so you oogle someone’s sweatshirt in their cart? Do you get in double trouble?
Jan 9, 2008 at 9:56 pm rating: +1
#13
Crash
Okay, what kind of hard work is involved working in a Thrift store that a person would warm up in those temperatures without heat ?
Jan 9, 2008 at 10:00 pm rating: +1
#14
Tim
I would just turn up the thermostats full-blast to piss her off. How do you like those heating bills now, bitch? Huh?
Jan 9, 2008 at 10:01 pm rating: +2
#15
Mishee
I just pray to God that there are no defenseless Hamsters in that store!
Jan 9, 2008 at 10:05 pm rating: +3
#16
amy d
ThermostatS?? This must be a huge thrift store to require more than one AC/heating unit. The manager clearly has a relative in the heating and cooling business. It was her blatant nepotism that caused the financial set-back wherein there was no money left to use the units.
Jan 9, 2008 at 10:10 pm rating: +2
#17
Canthz_B
Since the manager is depending primarily on the illumination system and the sun for heat, can we assume this thrift shop specializes in light clothing?
Jan 9, 2008 at 10:11 pm rating: +4
#18
Grimfool
I do not know how to use punctuation especially commas correctly that is why I am the manager.
Signed Ebenezer.
Jan 9, 2008 at 10:19 pm rating: +5
#19
mamason
Is this store run by Mr. Crabbs?
*i watch way too much Spongebob*
Jan 9, 2008 at 10:21 pm rating: 0
#20
raiseyourglass
Don’t know ’bout ya’ll… but when I get cold I usually gotsta pee…
hmm might be the reason for the fitting room prob.
Team turn it up!!!
Jan 9, 2008 at 10:24 pm rating: +2
#21
raiseyourglass
Whoa! Hot flash!
Jan 9, 2008 at 10:32 pm rating: +2
#22
lola
See, this is unfamiliar territory for me.
My ex-boss insisted I touch his thermostat… usually while removing my sweatshirt.
Jan 9, 2008 at 10:36 pm rating: +8
#23
Kelly
“That’s why I’m a manger. Because I don’t do actual work, so I have plenty of time to make stupid signs for stupid rules. Now…have we discussed your requisite flair on the sweatshirt? Or the need to obnoxiously greet all incoming customers?”
Jan 9, 2008 at 11:11 pm rating: +2
#24
Grimfool
Taken too long, someone has to do it . . . Foreigner’s “Cold As Ice”
We’re cold as ice
You’re willing to sacrifice our health
We never touch the dial –
With worker’s comp we’ll file, you know
I’ve been cold before
But now my fingers are blue
Someone crapped on the floor
And it’s addressed to you
You’re saving some dimes
But scaring away
Employees and shoppers
And someday, you’ll pay!
What a cold concept!
You thought of it yourself you say
You want the temperature kept
So the ice in your blood won’t melt away.
I’m working ‘til four
So I can feel sunshine
Then I’m out the door
To a warmer clime
You’re staying behind
The sign is a judge
Your thermostat heart
Will be forever untouched.
Jan 9, 2008 at 11:25 pm rating: +13
#25
MJaz
Nothing like topless thrift store employees to get those sales up, eh? Shake it baby!
Jan 9, 2008 at 11:26 pm rating: +2
#26
Grimfool
Too bad Mara quit so soon . . . she missed the next “concept” from the manager . . .
NO ONE IS TO TOUCH THE LIGHT SWITCH.
It is always dark in the morning so wear a miner’s helmet, when it brightens up from the sun and my incandescent ego and I hope because your chattering teeth emit sparks, take it off. What a great concept. I couldn’t get hired at Taco Bell that’s why mom made me the manager here.
Jan 9, 2008 at 11:42 pm rating: +12
#27
Canthz_B
Umm…you are the manager, if it is always cold in the morning it is your bloody job to touch the thermostat!
Set the darned thing so it is warm when we come in to work and it lowers the heat after hours! What a great concept. (That’s why they invented thermostats!)
Jan 9, 2008 at 11:44 pm rating: +2
#28
pdog
Has everyone lost their mind? You can try to
sound inteligent but this is a useless topic.
Peace out!
Jan 10, 2008 at 12:32 am rating: 0
#29
Locke
Sounds like my thrifty-ass first boss, he was so cheap he didn’t install carpeting in the store or the sales office till like 5 years after i quit.
Jan 10, 2008 at 12:34 am rating: +1
#30
A.A guy
Holy Irony Batman!
This is the first time I’ve been on this site since I moved and the topic is thermostats!The first thing I was told when I walked into my new store was”If you turn off the heat at night the pipes wont thaw until spring.Send little Miss nasty pants up here and see how long she lasts.
P.S Missed you C.B, Penguin,Wicked et al.
Jan 10, 2008 at 12:40 am rating: +4
#31
Olivia
Which thrift store is this??? I live in Minneapolis.
Yeah heat is often a problem around here in the Arctic climate.
Jan 10, 2008 at 12:47 am rating: +2
#32
A.A guy
Thanks C.B;
More irony Olivia.I just moved to Baker Lake Nunavut.It’s about 600 km south of the Arctic Circle.
Jan 10, 2008 at 12:53 am rating: +1
#33
Tyler
Is she allowed to create huge run on sentences because she’s the manager?
Jan 10, 2008 at 1:53 am rating: +3
#34
WanderingPenguin
I would totally touch that thermostat. Most likely with my ass.
This has happened to me in the past, too. I didn’t last any longer than Mara did – I just stopped showing up for work and didn’t even bother to collect my last measly paycheque – and with these kinds of cretins it’s not the thermostat issue that makes you quit, it’s something else even more sociopathic. Anyone who can and does write this kind of note to the employees has some pretty serious problems and is invariably impossible to work with.
Jan 10, 2008 at 2:05 am rating: +5
#35
Locke
A.A guy- you are in Nunavut right now!? holy crap, thats much worse than here
at least it’s like 15 degrees F here…
Jan 10, 2008 at 2:15 am rating: +1
#36
Locke
What the french, toast?!
Jan 10, 2008 at 2:28 am rating: +1
#37
Locke
man, I’m having too much fun with this.. oh god, i’ve obviously drank too m uch tonight.. ignore everything from here on out!
Jan 10, 2008 at 2:31 am rating: 0
#38
Canthz_B
I have worked for some egomaniacs in my time, but the Captain of the Starship Thrift Store takes the cake…and the fruit as well!
Jan 10, 2008 at 4:03 am rating: +1
#39
Locke
I knew it was a bunch of perverts here..
Jan 10, 2008 at 4:04 am rating: 0
#40
park rose
I think the sentence in parentheses should read: (I may be up myself that’s why I am the manager).
Sorry if it was posted before, I couldn’t find it.
Jan 10, 2008 at 8:48 am rating: +1
#41
Lurker
IT WEARS THE SWEATSHIRT OR IT GETS THE HOSE!
Jan 10, 2008 at 9:28 am rating: +4
#42
GhostWriter
Team Quick-Change Attire Protest!
All the employees should spend 8am to 10am wearing olive drab eskimo parkas, with the hood pulled up into a little periscope-like tube, bumping into displays, customers, and generally looking like the place has been taken over by animated pipes.
Then, during morning break, everybody squeezes into the changnig room, removes the winter-wear, and returns to work in a outfit from M*A*S*H; thin tanktop, baggy undershorts and green socks pulled way up high like Frank Burns.
This solves nothing, but the sight of viewing female coworkers stripping out of parkas to reveal Army underwear is simply…
…thought-provoking!
Jan 10, 2008 at 9:40 am rating: +1
#43
Team Cassandra
DA na na na
Na na
Na na
Don’t Touch That!
DA na na na
Na na
Na na
Don’t Touch That!
MY my my
Thermostat is set now
Just right
Don’t need adjusting
Just sit tight
Thank you
For leaving it
Just the way I left it when I left
I know
It’s chilly in here
But it’s ok
Have no fear
I’m here now
Just sit and stare
Hey look at that shiny thing
Over there!
But let me
Tell you now
I’m the manager
I’ll show you how
To stay warm
Even when it’s cold –
Not the Thermostat
Don’t Touch That.
DA na na na
Na na
Na na
Don’t Touch That!
DA na na na
Na na
Na na
Don’t Touch That!
My my my
Job is to tell you
What to do
So listen up
Cuz I’m no fool
My idears
are flowin’ through
Just like a little note
Addressed to you…
You can
Wear a sweater
or a white puma jacket
or a coat of fur
Somehow
It will get warm
Sometime
after the break of dawn
Hey – sit down!
Hey where you goin’?
You didn’t let me
Finish my song
Next we
gotta talk about the lights
You gotta wear a miner’s helmet
That’s just right!
No wastin’
Electricity
Not while this place
is under me
So you
Think you got it figured out?
Lightswitches; thermostats?
Don’t touch that!
Da na na na
Na na
Na na
Don’t touch that!
Da na na na
Na na
Na na.
(I’m sorry everybody – Ralphy made me do it
)
Jan 10, 2008 at 10:38 am rating: +12
#44
A.A guy
Yeah it’s January,really COLD and there are no bars…but..let the adventure begin.
Team,Momma didn’t raise a bright boy.
P.S -41 C today….but thats with wind chill
Jan 10, 2008 at 10:47 am rating: +1
#45
Ariadne
Hmm – employees working in a thrift shop who are cold. If only there were some place they could pick up a sweatshirt for say…$2.99.
Jan 10, 2008 at 11:11 am rating: +4
#46
Juliet
I am amazed that Mara was able to get a picture of that note before someone defaced it. You can’t just leave a note like that alone. I’d draw penises on it, in pink pen if there was a pink pen available.
Jan 10, 2008 at 11:22 am rating: +3
#47
lou fah
sometimes managers get their elevated positions because of the Charmin soft lips they apply to the head honcho’s ass.
just sayin’.
Jan 10, 2008 at 12:03 pm rating: +1
#48
GhostWriter
…an abbreviated version
The heat ain’t on, turn on the heat
The thermostat’s on 58
But the boss is so loud; a creep inside
He pressures hard, for us to wear attire
‘Cause the heat ain’t on
Co-oh-old, Co-oh-old
Cold until the action from working hard warms you
Con-tro-ol, Con-tro-ol,
Told me not to touch it
Told me not to touch it
Told me not to touch it
The heat ain’t on …
sing-along link featuring Eddie Murphy
Jan 10, 2008 at 12:13 pm rating: +8
#49
Karen
What took you so long, GW ? I’ve been humming that tune for an hour.
Good job !
Jan 10, 2008 at 12:23 pm rating: +1
#50
the sos
I’m more partial to THIS kind of management:
In Court He Refers to the Judge As “Venerable Dickhead”
Intern: Holy shit, it’s cold in here!
Sandy*, ancient secretary: Allen*! This a law office — a professional place of business. We do not use profanity in this office. What if a client had been waiting in reception and heard you use that kind of language? In the future I would ask that you refrain from using that kind of language. I’m sure the partners would not appreciate you speaking that way to your coworkers, especially those who are older than you.
Partner, entering five minutes later: Jesus-fucking-Christ, it’s cold in here! Goddamn, Larry* — cheapskate son of a bitch won’t turn the heat on until nine. Sandy, get me Larry’s number so I can give that asshole a piece of my mind. Fucking dick. Every goddamn winter he pulls this shit. And Sandy, make some coffee for these interns — it’s like 40 degrees in here!
Law office
New York, New York
taken from: http://www.overheardintheoffice.com
Jan 10, 2008 at 12:47 pm rating: +4
#51
unholyghost2003
hmmm is this why thrift stores are ALWAYS cold? I thought the whole “thrift” thing was regarding their prices and what not, not their buisness management. Also ummm what are you supposed to be DOING to work hard enough to warm up at a thrift store? Running a register and what not doesn’t exactly make me work up a sweat.
Now for story time:
There is a store here in my town where the owner is such a greedy cheap bastard that he doesn’t heat it in the winter. At ALL. BTW This is in southern WISCONSIN. Then the numbnuts wonders why his sales fall in the winter. Ever think that CUSTOMERS might like to be warm? Or are THEY supposed to be working hard to warm up?
* “lazy ass customers. If they were working harder, hard enough to keep warm in my store then they wouldn’t HAVE to shop a the thrift store!” Says evil thrift store manager while twirling mustache and turning down thermostat
Jan 10, 2008 at 2:37 pm rating: +1
#52
DrAstroZoom
Wear a sweatshirt. Oh, who am I kidding? I don’t give a shit if you set your pansy ass on fire to stay warm, as long as you KEEP WORKING, MY SNIVELING MINIONS!
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Jan 10, 2008 at 2:56 pm rating: +1
#53
Writerrejected
Ridiculously sarcastic ass-hat for a boss: what a great concept.
Jan 10, 2008 at 6:01 pm rating: +1
#54
cre8tivewmn
Customer: “Don’t you have any sweatshirts for sale? I’ve been looking all over!”
Manager: “There should be a whole pile of them over there……wait a minute…!”
Manager, on loudspeaker: “Attention employees! I told you to wear one of your own sweatshirts, not several of mine! Put the merchandise back right now! That applies to the coats, too!”
Jan 10, 2008 at 6:34 pm rating: +1
#55
Brandi Ballard
I bet she covered this in a team huddle as well. My office makes me do things like this sometimes.
Jan 11, 2008 at 12:08 am rating: +1
#56
Lurker
They HAVE to do the team huddle, just to stave off hypothermia.
Jan 11, 2008 at 9:06 am rating: +2
#57
Tiffany
I think that is the best run-on sentence I have seen in a long time.
Jan 11, 2008 at 9:45 am rating: 0
#58 in-game placement would have scored much higher in user engagement
[...] (what is this “efficiency” of which you speak? it’s certainly not in the retail management handbook!) [...]
Jan 21, 2008 at 12:10 pm rating: 0
#59
fuhuck
Mara won’t be missed.
Peevish little clit.
Sep 3, 2008 at 5:59 pm rating: 0
#60 the rules for strip bingo
[...] related: more like hardly working [...]
Dec 8, 2008 at 2:15 pm rating: 0
#61 the rules for strip bingo
[...] related: more like hardly working [...]
Dec 8, 2008 at 2:15 pm rating: 0
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