To the victor goes the bile

January 17th, 2008 · 59 comments

Ruben in Pregon works for an Apple reseller where the managers like to fire up the sales team with little competitions. (iPhones don’t sell themselves, people! For that, you’ll have to hold out for version 2.0.)

When Josh, the store’s very own Dwight Schrute, was pronounced the winner of a recent contest, things unfolded pretty much the way you’d expect.

to the victor goes the bileto the victor goes the bile (part 2)

The only person more universally reviled than the office suckup? the new guy, of course.

Says Ruben: “Most of us are real sticklers for keeping track of new product, but recently we brought on this new guy, Victor, and he hasn’t been doing too well.” Ruben came into work one day to find this MacBook battery on one of the tech benches, along with these notes that explain the entire story in just nine words. (And three question marks.)

to the victor goes the bile

Ruben says this pwnage became less hilarious when Victor actually did end up getting fired. “Awwkard!”

related: Your last day of work was yesterday

FILED UNDER: confusion??? · fired · group bitchfest · office · Oregon · retail hell · whiteboard


59 responses so far ↓

  • #1   jfruh

    It appears that certain elements in the first picture have been photoshopped out. What kinds of passive aggression are we being denied access to? YOUR READERSHIP DEMANDS ANSWERS!

    Jan 18, 2008 at 12:01 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #2   MICHAEL

    I AGREE WITH JFRUH. THIS INJUSTICE WILL NOT STAND.

    Jan 18, 2008 at 12:09 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #3   Teresa

    Agreed. I cannot quite appreciate the p/a going on here due to being distracted by that which I am being denied.

    Jan 18, 2008 at 12:15 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #4   Canthz_B bang

    “Everyone be more like Josh. He’s willing to kiss any ass to make a sale and then come back here and blow me! Step it up folks…I have needs!”

    Jan 18, 2008 at 12:21 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   amy d bang

      *Wonders what influenced CB to have such nasty thoughts. *

      Jan 18, 2008 at 6:00 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.2   Numinous bang

      The same thing that influences all males: the constant need for sex. Surely you’ve observed this in other males before now?

      Jan 18, 2008 at 10:08 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.3   Canthz_B bang

      LOL, Numinous…you soooo missed the joke…and the orgy! ;-)

      *hey, who’s tickling me there?!

      Jan 20, 2008 at 1:16 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.4   amy d bang

      I was wondering if you were gonna defend my knowledge of men. :D

      Jan 20, 2008 at 10:47 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #5   Carlina

    I’m very confused. Which one is Victor and which one is the suck-up? Or is Victor the suck-up… Damnit! Who got pwned?!

    I’m having an asthma attack.

    Jan 18, 2008 at 12:29 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #6   jeff

    The city name, and employee name in the post should come down. Apple retail/big brother will find this, and they’ll get in some deep shit.

    Jan 18, 2008 at 2:06 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #7   Team Cassandra bang

    Ok – but did Victor get fired for his little WTF?? Then it would be even funnier. Or more awkward. Your pick.

    That first one SO takes me back to my retail days and other whiteboard snarkies…but I can’t remember any of those – so have this:

    It makes me remember the Top 50 Stupid Questions! It makes me wish we were doing the digital thing on the regular back then…

    I worked in a record store and behind the counter we had a big bristol board all decked out by our sign makers. It was especially funny because it was so big and customers still couldn’t tell it was back there.

    Anyhow – when the Stupid Question left the store we’d add it as soon as we got some privacy. I think we only got up to 36 or something before I left…

    Samples:
    Do you have Frank Sinatra’s Greatest Hits on a single?

    Yeah – so I opened it and I listened to it and I don’t like it. Can I just get another one instead?

    Do you have the Mayonnaise song?
    (It was a very popular song called: Mentirosa – I was there for that one – it only took us 10 minutes of interrogating the guy to solve that one and we only tried cuz he said it was on the chart.)

    Do you have that song – I don’t know the lyrics – but that song that goes: (whatever the sound of “I can’t carry a tune” might be that day)?

    Jan 18, 2008 at 2:23 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

     
  • #8   Tyler bang

    I think Josh is the suckup, hence the “EvERyoNE BE MORE LIKE JoSH”.

    I think I like “Victor. Is Fired.” the best. The punctuation does it.

    Jan 18, 2008 at 3:29 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   Grimfool_Reluctant

      Hey, is this the same Josh from yesterday’s post?

      Jan 18, 2008 at 5:11 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #9   Grimfool_Reluctant

    Well, I think that if Josh really

    according to policy,

    why Victor

    .

    (portions deleted)

    Jan 18, 2008 at 5:06 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #10   Writerrejected bang

    Yeah, but you ever been to an Apple Store? Those guys are super dweebs, especially the ones who are older than 22.5 years of age, walking around in their t-shirts, jeans, and cool Apple nametags in that crazy 21st-Century designed store. It’s all so ridiculous. Josh is probably just a cut above the rest, spawning iJealousy from the rest.

    Jan 18, 2008 at 6:50 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #10.1   Juliet bang

      iJealousy… yes!

      They are super dweebs. There is one near my work, where I had to take my computer last month. It would kill them to show even a little bit of friendliness.

      All I thought was that it must suck to work there.

      Jan 18, 2008 at 11:09 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #11   Luv this site

    I’m confused…. if Dwight won the contest, what does Josh have to do with it?

    Jan 18, 2008 at 8:33 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   Suhayla

      Josh won the contest. He’s supposed to be LIKE (or akin to) Dwight from The Office.

      Jan 18, 2008 at 5:35 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.2   raiseyourglass

      In case anyone doesn’t know who Dwight is….

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5H3jbYAnlcs

      Jan 18, 2008 at 9:44 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.3   Luv this site

      yes, well I guess now it’s obvious that I don’t watch tv at all, and so look like a moron when tv-related themes come up. This is also probably the wrong time to mention that I *like* Hot Pockets!

      Jan 19, 2008 at 1:00 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #12   Lurker

    Ah, yes, I remember retail well. Not fondly, but well. The arsehole who always left the salesfloor a mess, didn;t take down the sale signs, hung around takling to his buddies all day, would luck into a big sale and all of a sudden he’s Employee of the month.

    Jan 18, 2008 at 8:35 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #13   Shagnbag

    (with all apologies to Victor)

    I’d like to know more of the story, but firing Victor via sticky note is one of my favorite PA moves of all time. What could more aggressive than firing someone in one sentence? What is more passive than a sticky note? The only way that would have been better would be if the writer stuck it to Victor’s back!

    Jan 18, 2008 at 9:06 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #14   Smack

    I am kind of in love with the boss.

    Jan 18, 2008 at 9:16 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #15   Wade bang

    Well, now we know why Josh was so surly about his purely abused bathroom.

    Jan 18, 2008 at 9:26 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #16   p'chick

    “Dwight Schrute” is a character on The Office… super dork.

    Jan 18, 2008 at 9:37 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #17   mere bang

    i agree with the first commentors.. i want to know what was ‘blurred’ out! CENSORSHIP!!!
    now..
    i was laughing, because even though all of the comments (on the first set of notes) were p/a, clearly, the MOST p/a comment was the last one:
    ‘yes, ….do those things..’

    Jan 18, 2008 at 9:45 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #18   amy d bang

    Employee Ideeut Duhns, taking note of the bosses instructions, his fellow employee’s questions and the clarification from the boss, devises a plan to be the next Employee in the spotlight.

    Day One: Lies down on sales floor during the daily rush.

    Day Two: Performs the Jive to King of Swing by Big Bad Voodoo Daddy.

    Day Three: Leaves work 5 times during shift with the alarm keys.

    Day Four: Sets new store record for number of iPods returned by giving the customers 20% more than they paid for the iPod in the first place.

    Day Five: 7:50 a.m. Secretly gloats during the morning meeting as he waits for his reward.
    8:00 a.m. Is unemployed.

    Jan 18, 2008 at 10:15 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #18.1   Karen bang

      Nice one, amy :)
      Thumbs up to ya

      Jan 18, 2008 at 10:46 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #19   Dan Weber

    What’s wrong with swing dancing????!one

    Jan 18, 2008 at 10:19 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #19.1   Cass

      Nothing is wrong with swing dancing. Apparently more is right with it than originally thought. It can make you Employee of the Month.

      Coming soon: Company Training Seminar featuring Jitterbug your Way to Higher Profits and Lindy Hop Marketing.

      Henceforth all sales people will be known as Hep Cats and are required to wear wingtip shoes.

      Jan 18, 2008 at 11:15 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #20   Patrick B...

    Victor… Are you employed now?

    Jan 18, 2008 at 10:34 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #21   KittyKat

    I would absolutely pay money to see an Apple store full of swing-dancing geeks. Can’t you just picture it? They could take it on the road like the Blue Man Group or something. It could be the next big thing from Apple.

    Jan 18, 2008 at 11:11 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #21.1   Cass

      iSwing

      …. I like it because it sounds like icing. Now I want cake.

      Jan 18, 2008 at 11:17 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.2   hamburke bang

      Cass – just cake and not cake and fruit?

      Jan 20, 2008 at 8:53 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #22   Lurker

    Wasn’t there a TV show once where the guy broke up with his girlfriend via Post-It?

    Coupling? Friends? Seinfeld?

    Jan 18, 2008 at 11:46 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #22.1   unholyghost2003 bang

      Sex and the City

      Jan 18, 2008 at 11:54 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #23   unholyghost2003 bang

    Who hasn’t been there when dumbass #1 who spends ALL FREAKING DAY doing jackshit then gets his dad/brother-in-law/friend to place their new office computer/supply order with him thus enshuring that HE will win the sales competition.
    As far as pic. 2 goes … was I the only one that was confused as to why leaving the battery in the office was a VERY bad thing? I then read the discription and I GUESS that if they are talking about leaving it out on the tech benches (which, as I recall are basicly right behind the counter on the sales floor) it is bad, but even at that only REALLY bad if Victor never moved it. LORD I wouldn’t want to work there!
    If poor Victor was picking up Josh’s slack (because josh was off swing dancing on the sales floor with some High School girl) doing 1000 different things and forgot one battery on the counter and THEN gets FIRED for it?! Bite my ass Apple Store!

    Jan 18, 2008 at 12:02 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #23.1   Suhayla

      Yeah, I agree about the battery thing… The thing I hate more than people who don’t put shit away is people who say “Who left this here?” and then don’t DO anything about it. Where’s the teamwork? Just put the freaking thing away, and TALK to Victor — don’t leave stupid f-ing notes that are obviously meant to implicate anonymously more than contribute to a better work environment.

      Go, Victor, Go and don’t look back.

      Jan 18, 2008 at 5:47 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #24   Larry David

    Would have been funnier if the comments on the marker board were written in permanent marker instead of the eraseable. (*note to self)

    Jan 18, 2008 at 12:25 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #25   Bellabeastie

    Poor. Fired. Victor. If I were him I’d take those alarm keys home for good, cuz he know’s Josh is gonna get the blame… then find out where he lives and purely abuse his bathroom some more……

    Jan 18, 2008 at 2:35 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #26   anglophile bang

    What I want to know is, what exactly is Josh doing on the floor that is so admirable and worthy of imitation?

    Jan 18, 2008 at 7:39 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #26.1   starburst2185

      Why, kissing ass, that’s what!

      Jan 18, 2008 at 9:43 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #27   raiseyourglass

    A MAC battery in a Apple store. The nerve. Is that anything like working in Ford plant and driving a SAAB? Guess they better go union.

    Jan 18, 2008 at 9:49 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #28   ro-nonymous

    that macbook battery was fucking delicious.

    Jan 18, 2008 at 10:15 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #28.1   Team Cassandra bang

      Not as fucking delicious as that Ipod. ;)

      Jan 18, 2008 at 10:49 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #29   park rose bang

    I don’t know if this one is too obscure, or not.
    To the tune of XTC’s
    Making Plans for Nigel.

    We’re only selling pods for Apple
    We only want what’s best for them
    We’re only selling pods for Apple
    Apple just needs a helping hand
    And if young Apple says it’s happy,
    it must be happy,
    it must be happy, it must be happy with our work.

    We’re only selling pods for Apple.
    It has its future in Technicalese
    We’re only selling pods for Apple
    Apple’s whole future’s as good as sealed
    And if young Josh sells lots of i-pods,
    Apple is happy
    it must be happy, it must be happy with his work.

    No Josh is not on the floor,
    He’s a swinging deadbeat
    and loves to give free tokens, too
    But Apple is happy with his work.
    (with his work)
    But Apple is happy with his work
    (with his work).

    (Repeat first verse to sudden end)

    Jan 19, 2008 at 8:47 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #29.1   GhostWriter bang

      We’re all in X – T – C, from Park Rose…

      Jan 19, 2008 at 11:49 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #30   GhostWriter bang

    I love that Josh doesn’t even erase the notes written about him.

    …which makes me think that Josh himself wrote the first and last notes. “Yes, people, I really do mean, BE MORE LIKE ME!”

    Jan 19, 2008 at 11:17 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #31   Lurker

    Ghosty, I’ve decided to believe that Josh is the author, too. Because, y’know, that’s so Josh.

    Hey, I just thought of something – is this the same Josh whose roommate invited the band to stay the night? No wonder he’s having trouble in the workplace!

    Jan 19, 2008 at 10:51 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #32   Canthz_B bang

    Greed is good! I don’t care if you swing dance, lie to customers or streak down Main Street! If it sells iPods, do it damn it!!

    Jan 20, 2008 at 1:35 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #33   Nonyas

    This is even funnier if you know the REAL story! I work for this particular Apple reseller and know exactly who … and what Ruben is! Ruben is the guy that calls in “busy”. He has even called in sick and showed up later the same day (seemingly perfectly healthy to boot) to purchase some product for home use. Now let me be clear; He came in to purchase an item at the store he is employed by DURING the shift for which he called in sick! Ruben disappears during the workday to who-knows-where, and literally holds the phone to his ear pretending to be in the middle of a conversation so he doesn’t have to deal with customers. Ruben’s name is cursed … oh … daily in various departments and is the only one in any real danger of being fired.

    The whole “whoever is FIRED” thing is a running joke around the store, not an actual threat. It appears (Ruben being the example actually) that it is extremely difficult to get fired from the company.

    Victor is still employed and wonderful. Poor guy is getting beaten down by dealing with Ruben’s antics.

    Josh is a sweet naive kid that just tries to please people.

    Ruben is an asshole.

    Wow! I can’t WAIT to talk to Josh, Victor, and Ruben tomorrow!

    Jan 24, 2008 at 3:06 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #33.1   GhostWriter bang

      I beg to differ- this does not make the story funnier.

      It makes it more confusing.

      …and now I think Nonyas is the manager who penned the original “Be More Like Josh” orders.

      Jan 24, 2008 at 9:20 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #33.2   Nonyas

      *laugh* Okay. It makes it funnier if you KNOW the people. You are correct that I was unclear.

      If you are nice, maybe I will tell you what was covered up on the board.

      As for me being the manager, no. I think Ruben is the one that wrote the “be more like Josh” to deflect the “be less like Ruben” consensus at the store. ;)

      Jan 24, 2008 at 10:55 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #33.3   GhostWriter bang

      I will be Super Nice to gain the cover-up info.

      Also, we’d all like to hear how the Apple gang responds to all this attention!

      Jan 24, 2008 at 11:23 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #33.4   Nonyas

      Actually, I really like my job and really enjoy the people I work with, other than Ruben. I did say “maybe.” I may be foolish enough to have responded to the original post, but I am not THAT foolish!

      Jan 24, 2008 at 1:59 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #33.5   MacPDX

      MacPac!

      Apr 8, 2008 at 5:58 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #34   Denver

    Yes Nonyas, please tell us how your position at your job is so loved, but you still feel like putting it in jeopardy by disparaging a coworker online in a public forum.

    Jan 25, 2008 at 5:39 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #35   M

    Aagh, the reports of points remind me of awful office depot. Good riddance.

    Feb 21, 2008 at 2:07 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #36   “that’s what she said”

    [...] related: to the victor goes the bile [...]

    Nov 18, 2008 at 9:50 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     

Comments are Closed