nothing could have prepared lauren in oakland for the passive-aggressive avalanche that awaited her the other day at her new apartment. she calls the experience of finding the notes totally surreal. “it keeps playing back in slow motion in my mind, from the second i saw the first one hanging over the threshold to my absolute horror and delight at finding an eleventh one hours later on the bathroom door.” here’s the theme park version!
“i’m not sure anything in particular prompted it,” lauren says, “but i live, apparently, in some kind of alternate dimension where full-grown adults believe in chore-wheels, so it could’ve been anything — but certainly not ELEVEN things to correspond with the number of found notes. then again, i’m not a timebomb waiting to explode, so how would i know?”
related: recipe for roommate discord
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108 responses so far ↓
#1 Suhayla
dirty IS dirty. It’s also triflin’. I want to see the mess(es).
Feb 8, 2008 at 9:23 am rating: +1
#2 kylydia
Holy moly!
Feb 8, 2008 at 9:25 am rating: 0
#3 Mung Bean
My advice to Lauren: get out and save yourself before it’s too late.
And no, with the sheer volume and creepiness of these signs, there’s nothing about this that is fucking delicious.
Feb 8, 2008 at 9:26 am rating: +1
#4 unholyghost2003
Clean up the “dirty” you made? ummm what is a dirty?
also note #6 … “I clean everytime I cesk even if Im drunk …”
How does one “cesk?”
Feb 8, 2008 at 9:36 am rating: 0
#5 S.S.
Yes, Lauren, clean up “you’re” mess!
Feb 8, 2008 at 9:40 am rating: +2
#6 Lisa
Whoa.
Obsess much?
Feb 8, 2008 at 9:41 am rating: +2
#7 Izzy
Get out before the bad grammar pulls you down!
Feb 8, 2008 at 9:41 am rating: 0
#8 CajunKate
Regular reader, never commented before. But I just have to say- Holy S**TBALLS, Batman! It’s like Christmas come early in the PA notereader world!
Feb 8, 2008 at 9:42 am rating: +4
#9 S.S.
And a Chore Wheel? What the bloody hell is that? Sounds like something my kindergarten teacher would do.
My roommates and I had an agreement: We all clean our own messes during the week, do our own dishes, cook our own meals, buy our own separate foods (no shared foods unless asked), and then on Saturday mornings we all clean together, OK?
Given that our apartment was just a little over 700ft square, cleaning didn’t take more than a couple of hours between all of us.
Feb 8, 2008 at 9:43 am rating: +1
#10 jfruh
11 notes are insane, obviously, but I’m on Team Chore Wheel, or at least Team Agreements On Who Does What Chores, for group living. Otherwise, you know, you get dirties everywhere.
Feb 8, 2008 at 9:44 am rating: +1
#11 nerdabilly
If I were Lauren, I’d begin the roommate/apartment search again.
Feb 8, 2008 at 9:49 am rating: +1
#12 unholyghost2003
I have had WONDERFUL luck with roomies. “Special” (i.e. EXPENSIVE) foods were kept separate but normal foods were fair game if in a fit of the drunchies as long as they were replaced in a reasonable amount of time and were not the last one of something. Common use items (Milk, butter, bread, toilet paper) were purchased with the money made from bottle returns after parties. everyone had “THEIR” part of common areas (rooms that they spent the most time in) and unless the mess was causing a SMELL or blocking use of the room for others they were ignored until the responsible person had a chance to clean them up. There was a general understanding that if your stuff was left in a common area long enough to piss off the roomies it might well be unceremoniously dumped in the middle of your bedroom floor. BIG Kitchen clean up was done on Sat mornings with the assistance of non-roomie roommates (i.e. boyfriends who were regular fixtures and would NOT make eye contact with each other in the AM) and thereby they pulled their own weight and stopped any bitching about non-rent paying roomies.
AND THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS HOW ADULTS LIVE
Feb 8, 2008 at 10:01 am rating: +3
#13 Yes!
Finally! I now know the phone number to the Oakland non-emergency police department.
510-777-3333.
Feb 8, 2008 at 10:02 am rating: +1
#14 Denagh
Careful…bad grammer or not..they are a “Time Bomb, waiting 2 explode”! Wouldn’t that leave a mess? Who’s on the chore wheel to clean that up??
Feb 8, 2008 at 10:03 am rating: +2
#15 mjohnson
For the sake of all of us make a mess, leave a wet towel out, put the forks inthe knife section. We all what to see the explosion!
(We are bad though).
Feb 8, 2008 at 10:04 am rating: +1
#16 Robin Claire
PLEASE. just CLEAN YOURE MESS. I CLEAN EVEN WHEN I AM HIGH AND DRUNK!! CLEAN YOURE MESS!!!!!
Feb 8, 2008 at 10:10 am rating: +1
#17 KittyKat
How much therapy do you think it would take to defuse the timebomb?
Feb 8, 2008 at 10:11 am rating: +1
#18 unholyghost2003
Cleaning while high/drunk … perhaps also writing PA notes while high/drunk? Also, in a house where being HIGH is openly referred to as not an excuse for not cleaning perhaps there are bigger issues than not cleaning? Like the mess that results from a large group of stoners living together? Not that I have anything against stoners … but being surprised/angered by messes in such a house is a bit foolhardy.
Feb 8, 2008 at 10:20 am rating: +1
#19 pry
pretty uptight for someone who cooks while drunk and high.
Feb 8, 2008 at 10:26 am rating: +2
#20 Wade
“Clean that ass”?!?!
Well, at least we have a suspect in The Great Berkeley Towel Robbery.
Feb 8, 2008 at 10:47 am rating: +2
#21 etherealangel
OMG get out while you still can! Seriously wouldn’t 1 note have sufficed? Perhaps the ticking time bomb did explode, leaving PA notes everywhere.
Feb 8, 2008 at 10:48 am rating: +1
#22 Writerrejected
You know what? MESSES *are* like ASSHOLES. They *do* both stink and require cleaning! God, Lauren’s Roomate is a like a mad-genius PA Poet Paper Bomber.
I think we should all view Lauren’s Roomate’s work here as a cry for help; Lauren should call 9-1-1 immediately and have her carted away. That would fix here note-leaving wagon.
Feb 8, 2008 at 10:54 am rating: +2
#23 Cass
“please don’t be its dirty”
What’s dirty? or whose dirty?
If she’s imploring lauren to not be the dirty people’s dirty, shouldn’t it read “their dirty”?
Feb 8, 2008 at 11:09 am rating: 0
#24 jfentry
totally doubt the veracity of these things. they’re too oblique. no specific reference to what the mess is. no signed name. and if ‘adults’ live in this house i think we can assume there are more than just the writer and lauren. how does lauren know the notes are addressed to her? also why post an eleventh note if the 10th hasn’t gotten the point across?
Feb 8, 2008 at 11:20 am rating: 0
#25 Christin
My favorite part is the whiteboard in the background of one of the notes. Look closely–it’s COVERED in passive-aggressive notes already.
Also, I love the other printed instructional signs occasionally seen the background, with all their laminated, cartoon, kindergarten-condescension glory.
Feb 8, 2008 at 11:29 am rating: +2
#26 seeyounexttuesday
Lauren shouldn’t be such a dirty fucking slob. Clean up after yourself, you stupid cunt.
Feb 8, 2008 at 11:35 am rating: 0
#27 Michelle B
I rather be homeless than share living space with any other person than a lover.
Feb 8, 2008 at 11:38 am rating: +1
#28 GhostWriter
It’s a clever gambit. If you keep taping up notes saying, “Clean this Dirty Mess” somebody will eventually tear them down.
Then you get to post the note, “How Come the Only Thing You Ever Clean Up is My Notes!?!?“
Feb 8, 2008 at 11:39 am rating: +2
#29 mamason
I guess I’d be pretty upset too if the messes had anything to do with someone’s ass. Nothin’ worse than a dirty ass mess.
Feb 8, 2008 at 11:41 am rating: +3
#30 Liz
The repeated misuse of “youre” instead of “your” is the best part.
Feb 8, 2008 at 11:46 am rating: 0
#31 GhostWriter
“Well, that’s it then- one jumbo-sized 3ft. x5 ft. whiteboard, delivered and mounted.”
“Thanks so much! Here’s my check.”
“So, I guess you guys like to do a lot of note writing, huh?”
“Oh, you have no idea…”
“Well, at least this board will keep all the notes in one place, right?”
“Again, Sir, you have no idea…”
Feb 8, 2008 at 11:51 am rating: +2
#32 secondsout
I’m surprised nobody has jumped all over the “chores were A agreement” line. See, here’s the problem: Lauren lives in a home for the retarded.
Feb 8, 2008 at 11:57 am rating: 0
#33 secondsout
I also like “the time bomb waiting to explode” line. Good thing it’s not a land mine. With those, you have to be careful what you do; with a time bomb, it just goes off when the time runs out.
Feb 8, 2008 at 12:00 pm rating: 0
#34 WastedDaze
I think the excessive use of ellipses is what bothers me the most. More than the misuse of “your” and “you’re” or the “a agreement.” Also, with all those crazy third-grade-teacher-esque posters seen in the backgrounds of these photos you’d think there would be a grammar nazi living somewhere in that place, even if they are not also the “dirty” nazi.
Feb 8, 2008 at 12:04 pm rating: 0
#35 unholyghost2003
I am a waster, not a saver … Bonfire anyone? I know where we can get a couple of reams of used paper no one will miss …
Feb 8, 2008 at 12:14 pm rating: +2
#36 fantasy
OMG! hahahaha
If you look real close those notes are on kindergarten type paper! They sure made a mess ,they didn’t stay in the lines.
Feb 8, 2008 at 12:18 pm rating: 0
#37 fantasy
I think I know what a dirty is……..A wiener poopie!
Feb 8, 2008 at 12:20 pm rating: 0
#38 GhostWriter
Here’s a question: which is the easier way to impress a new room mate? (a) do your chores that have piled up over the past month, or (b) spin the Chore Wheel and post eleven notes distributing the blame.
I think we know what happened here.
Feb 8, 2008 at 12:23 pm rating: +3
#39 p'chick
I once had a roommate like that. She would go ballistic if I left a pair of shoes in the living room. She also cleaned the toilet seat with Comet… owww!
Once I told her someday she’d have a roommate who really was messy, and then she’d be sorry. She replied, “No, I have the money, I’d just move out and keep paying the rent.”
After that, I fantasized that if she drove me over the edge, I could just trash the place and she’d probably leave. Made me feel much better, imagining I had an option. LOL
Feb 8, 2008 at 12:25 pm rating: 0
#40 liz
And what about all the PSA posters that are hanging in the background?
Get out! Get out! There’s a real lunatic in the house!
Feb 8, 2008 at 12:28 pm rating: 0
#41 amy d
This is my favorite note. It’s repetitive and doesn’t make any sense.
Feb 8, 2008 at 12:30 pm rating: +6
#42 fantasy
This is P/A Heaven! Eleven notes at once……….and not one smiley face. I don’t understand , these people can’t be adults, you have got to be kidding.
Feb 8, 2008 at 12:32 pm rating: 0