nothing could have prepared lauren in oakland for the passive-aggressive avalanche that awaited her the other day at her new apartment. she calls the experience of finding the notes totally surreal. “it keeps playing back in slow motion in my mind, from the second i saw the first one hanging over the threshold to my absolute horror and delight at finding an eleventh one hours later on the bathroom door.” here’s the theme park version!
“i’m not sure anything in particular prompted it,” lauren says, “but i live, apparently, in some kind of alternate dimension where full-grown adults believe in chore-wheels, so it could’ve been anything — but certainly not ELEVEN things to correspond with the number of found notes. then again, i’m not a timebomb waiting to explode, so how would i know?”
related: recipe for roommate discord
110 responses so far ↓
#1
Suhayla
dirty IS dirty. It’s also triflin’. I want to see the mess(es).
Feb 8, 2008 at 9:23 am rating: +1
#2
kylydia
Holy moly!
Feb 8, 2008 at 9:25 am rating: 0
#3
Mung Bean
My advice to Lauren: get out and save yourself before it’s too late.
And no, with the sheer volume and creepiness of these signs, there’s nothing about this that is fucking delicious.
Feb 8, 2008 at 9:26 am rating: +3
#4
unholyghost2003
Clean up the “dirty” you made? ummm what is a dirty?
also note #6 … “I clean everytime I cesk even if Im drunk …”
How does one “cesk?”
Feb 8, 2008 at 9:36 am rating: 0
#5
S.S.
Yes, Lauren, clean up “you’re” mess!
Feb 8, 2008 at 9:40 am rating: +2
#6
Lisa
Whoa.
Obsess much?
Feb 8, 2008 at 9:41 am rating: +2
#7
Izzy
Get out before the bad grammar pulls you down!
Feb 8, 2008 at 9:41 am rating: 0
#8
CajunKate
Regular reader, never commented before. But I just have to say- Holy S**TBALLS, Batman! It’s like Christmas come early in the PA notereader world!
Feb 8, 2008 at 9:42 am rating: +4
#9
S.S.
And a Chore Wheel? What the bloody hell is that? Sounds like something my kindergarten teacher would do.
My roommates and I had an agreement: We all clean our own messes during the week, do our own dishes, cook our own meals, buy our own separate foods (no shared foods unless asked), and then on Saturday mornings we all clean together, OK?
Given that our apartment was just a little over 700ft square, cleaning didn’t take more than a couple of hours between all of us.
Feb 8, 2008 at 9:43 am rating: +1
#10
jfruh
11 notes are insane, obviously, but I’m on Team Chore Wheel, or at least Team Agreements On Who Does What Chores, for group living. Otherwise, you know, you get dirties everywhere.
Feb 8, 2008 at 9:44 am rating: +1
#11
nerdabilly
If I were Lauren, I’d begin the roommate/apartment search again.
Feb 8, 2008 at 9:49 am rating: +1
#12
unholyghost2003
I have had WONDERFUL luck with roomies. “Special” (i.e. EXPENSIVE) foods were kept separate but normal foods were fair game if in a fit of the drunchies as long as they were replaced in a reasonable amount of time and were not the last one of something. Common use items (Milk, butter, bread, toilet paper) were purchased with the money made from bottle returns after parties. everyone had “THEIR” part of common areas (rooms that they spent the most time in) and unless the mess was causing a SMELL or blocking use of the room for others they were ignored until the responsible person had a chance to clean them up. There was a general understanding that if your stuff was left in a common area long enough to piss off the roomies it might well be unceremoniously dumped in the middle of your bedroom floor. BIG Kitchen clean up was done on Sat mornings with the assistance of non-roomie roommates (i.e. boyfriends who were regular fixtures and would NOT make eye contact with each other in the AM) and thereby they pulled their own weight and stopped any bitching about non-rent paying roomies.
AND THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS HOW ADULTS LIVE
Feb 8, 2008 at 10:01 am rating: +8
#13
Yes!
Finally! I now know the phone number to the Oakland non-emergency police department.
510-777-3333.
Feb 8, 2008 at 10:02 am rating: +1
#14
Denagh
Careful…bad grammer or not..they are a “Time Bomb, waiting 2 explode”! Wouldn’t that leave a mess? Who’s on the chore wheel to clean that up??
Feb 8, 2008 at 10:03 am rating: +5
#15
mjohnson
For the sake of all of us make a mess, leave a wet towel out, put the forks inthe knife section. We all what to see the explosion!
(We are bad though).
Feb 8, 2008 at 10:04 am rating: +1
#16
Robin Claire
PLEASE. just CLEAN YOURE MESS. I CLEAN EVEN WHEN I AM HIGH AND DRUNK!! CLEAN YOURE MESS!!!!!
Feb 8, 2008 at 10:10 am rating: +2
#17
KittyKat
How much therapy do you think it would take to defuse the timebomb?
Feb 8, 2008 at 10:11 am rating: +2
#18
unholyghost2003
Cleaning while high/drunk … perhaps also writing PA notes while high/drunk? Also, in a house where being HIGH is openly referred to as not an excuse for not cleaning perhaps there are bigger issues than not cleaning? Like the mess that results from a large group of stoners living together? Not that I have anything against stoners … but being surprised/angered by messes in such a house is a bit foolhardy.
Feb 8, 2008 at 10:20 am rating: +1
#19
pry
pretty uptight for someone who cooks while drunk and high.
Feb 8, 2008 at 10:26 am rating: +4
#20
Wade
“Clean that ass”?!?!
Well, at least we have a suspect in The Great Berkeley Towel Robbery.
Feb 8, 2008 at 10:47 am rating: +2
#21
etherealangel
OMG get out while you still can! Seriously wouldn’t 1 note have sufficed? Perhaps the ticking time bomb did explode, leaving PA notes everywhere.
Feb 8, 2008 at 10:48 am rating: +1
#22
Writerrejected
You know what? MESSES *are* like ASSHOLES. They *do* both stink and require cleaning! God, Lauren’s Roomate is a like a mad-genius PA Poet Paper Bomber.
I think we should all view Lauren’s Roomate’s work here as a cry for help; Lauren should call 9-1-1 immediately and have her carted away. That would fix here note-leaving wagon.
Feb 8, 2008 at 10:54 am rating: +2
#23
Cass
“please don’t be its dirty”
What’s dirty? or whose dirty?
If she’s imploring lauren to not be the dirty people’s dirty, shouldn’t it read “their dirty”?
Feb 8, 2008 at 11:09 am rating: 0
#24
jfentry
totally doubt the veracity of these things. they’re too oblique. no specific reference to what the mess is. no signed name. and if ‘adults’ live in this house i think we can assume there are more than just the writer and lauren. how does lauren know the notes are addressed to her? also why post an eleventh note if the 10th hasn’t gotten the point across?
Feb 8, 2008 at 11:20 am rating: 0
#25
Christin
My favorite part is the whiteboard in the background of one of the notes. Look closely–it’s COVERED in passive-aggressive notes already.
Also, I love the other printed instructional signs occasionally seen the background, with all their laminated, cartoon, kindergarten-condescension glory.
Feb 8, 2008 at 11:29 am rating: +2
#26
seeyounexttuesday
Lauren shouldn’t be such a dirty fucking slob. Clean up after yourself, you stupid cunt.
Feb 8, 2008 at 11:35 am rating: 0
#27
Michelle B
I rather be homeless than share living space with any other person than a lover.
Feb 8, 2008 at 11:38 am rating: +1
#28
GhostWriter
It’s a clever gambit. If you keep taping up notes saying, “Clean this Dirty Mess” somebody will eventually tear them down.
Then you get to post the note, “How Come the Only Thing You Ever Clean Up is My Notes!?!?“
Feb 8, 2008 at 11:39 am rating: +2
#29
mamason
I guess I’d be pretty upset too if the messes had anything to do with someone’s ass. Nothin’ worse than a dirty ass mess.
Feb 8, 2008 at 11:41 am rating: +3
#30
Liz
The repeated misuse of “youre” instead of “your” is the best part.
Feb 8, 2008 at 11:46 am rating: 0
#31
GhostWriter
“Well, that’s it then- one jumbo-sized 3ft. x5 ft. whiteboard, delivered and mounted.”
“Thanks so much! Here’s my check.”
“So, I guess you guys like to do a lot of note writing, huh?”
“Oh, you have no idea…”
“Well, at least this board will keep all the notes in one place, right?”
“Again, Sir, you have no idea…”
Feb 8, 2008 at 11:51 am rating: +2
#32
secondsout
I’m surprised nobody has jumped all over the “chores were A agreement” line. See, here’s the problem: Lauren lives in a home for the retarded.
Feb 8, 2008 at 11:57 am rating: +1
#33
secondsout
I also like “the time bomb waiting to explode” line. Good thing it’s not a land mine. With those, you have to be careful what you do; with a time bomb, it just goes off when the time runs out.
Feb 8, 2008 at 12:00 pm rating: 0
#34
WastedDaze
I think the excessive use of ellipses is what bothers me the most. More than the misuse of “your” and “you’re” or the “a agreement.” Also, with all those crazy third-grade-teacher-esque posters seen in the backgrounds of these photos you’d think there would be a grammar nazi living somewhere in that place, even if they are not also the “dirty” nazi.
Feb 8, 2008 at 12:04 pm rating: 0
#35
unholyghost2003
I am a waster, not a saver … Bonfire anyone? I know where we can get a couple of reams of used paper no one will miss …
Feb 8, 2008 at 12:14 pm rating: +2
#36
fantasy
OMG! hahahaha
If you look real close those notes are on kindergarten type paper! They sure made a mess ,they didn’t stay in the lines.
Feb 8, 2008 at 12:18 pm rating: 0
#37
fantasy
I think I know what a dirty is……..A wiener poopie!
Feb 8, 2008 at 12:20 pm rating: 0
#38
GhostWriter
Here’s a question: which is the easier way to impress a new room mate? (a) do your chores that have piled up over the past month, or (b) spin the Chore Wheel and post eleven notes distributing the blame.
I think we know what happened here.
Feb 8, 2008 at 12:23 pm rating: +3
#39
p'chick
I once had a roommate like that. She would go ballistic if I left a pair of shoes in the living room. She also cleaned the toilet seat with Comet… owww!
Once I told her someday she’d have a roommate who really was messy, and then she’d be sorry. She replied, “No, I have the money, I’d just move out and keep paying the rent.”
After that, I fantasized that if she drove me over the edge, I could just trash the place and she’d probably leave. Made me feel much better, imagining I had an option. LOL
Feb 8, 2008 at 12:25 pm rating: 0
#40
liz
And what about all the PSA posters that are hanging in the background?
Get out! Get out! There’s a real lunatic in the house!
Feb 8, 2008 at 12:28 pm rating: 0
#41
amy d
This is my favorite note. It’s repetitive and doesn’t make any sense.
Feb 8, 2008 at 12:30 pm rating: +7
#42
fantasy
This is P/A Heaven! Eleven notes at once……….and not one smiley face. I don’t understand , these people can’t be adults, you have got to be kidding.
Feb 8, 2008 at 12:32 pm rating: 0
#43
Oink
Why not just have a loudspeaker playing a pre-recorded message on loop? CLEAN UP YOURE MESS…. CLEAN UP YOURE MESS…. CLEAN UP YOURE MESS…. YES, YOU. YOU!!
Feb 8, 2008 at 12:55 pm rating: +1
#44
Bellabeastie
Didn’t she interview and/or meet this psycho BEFORE she moved in? Hellooo??? People with the tendancy to do this shit will definately exhibit the signs well in advance of reaching the “timebomb” stage. I mean, this can’t be the only available apartment in Oakland.
Hope for her sake it’s a short lease…. YIKES…
Feb 8, 2008 at 1:01 pm rating: 0
#45
Team Cassandra
“in some kind of alternate dimension where full-grown adults believe in chore-wheels,”
I have SO been there!
It was during the Year Long Sleepover after high school. We had this huge LSD party and the next day, after partying all night, I cleaned the whole house, made a Chore Wheel and let everyone know about how to win Accomplishment Points!
At about 7pm I passed out and missed my date with that hot guy I met at work. Boo hoo.
Feb 8, 2008 at 1:21 pm rating: +3
#46
SailorAlphaCentauri
Honestly, if they actually cared what people thought of them, maybe they wouldn’t have a bazillion decorations that make the entire place look like a jacked up kindergarten room. Tons of posters and snowflake decorations; you would think that this was a classroom for children and not a place “adults” would actually be willing to reside.
Feb 8, 2008 at 1:51 pm rating: 0
#47
KittyKat
This would make such a great episode on Jerry Springer/ Dr. Phil/ Montel.
Feb 8, 2008 at 1:52 pm rating: 0
#48
fantasy
On the ‘fridge there is a magnet that says,
“Therapy has thaught me that it is all your fault”!
Must have got an A+ in “Therapy”.
Feb 8, 2008 at 2:15 pm rating: +7
#49
RP
What’s up with comment #26?
Methinks it is the note writer in the middle of their explosion.
Feb 8, 2008 at 2:30 pm rating: 0
#50
Suhayla
Is this some kind of boarding house? what normal people live like this?
Feb 8, 2008 at 2:44 pm rating: +1
#51
rajbot
holy shit are those cleaning motivational posters in the background?
Feb 8, 2008 at 2:51 pm rating: +2
#52
fantasy
Enlarged photos show that these were taken on Feb. 2……
Are those Christmas decorations?
I think that would really bother me, isn’t it bad enough that Christmas seems to start the day after Halloween do we have to extend it until Valentine’s Day?
Feb 8, 2008 at 2:55 pm rating: +1
#53
Kelly
Someone failed the spelling bee.
And the grammar bee.
And the being a decent human being bee.
Feb 8, 2008 at 3:16 pm rating: +2
#54
Tyler
I would find it scary in the first place that there is a poster hanging up in the apartment saying, “Don’t leave messes. When you’re finished, clean up!” That’s a good indication of a total nut job…
Feb 8, 2008 at 3:19 pm rating: +2
#55
Lurker
Sounds like a classic case of “One man’s clean is another man’s dirty.”
I was brought up that clutter and everything not put away is OK as long as there isn’t any actual soilage, smells, or potential germ situations.
My friend was brought up that all the canned food in the cupboard has to be arranged so that the labels face front.
To each of us, our own standards seem perfectly normal and ordinary.
I’m glad we never shared an apartment, though.
Feb 8, 2008 at 3:32 pm rating: +1
#56
Canthz_B
Who’s going to clean up all of these notes? They’re making a mess all over this place!
Feb 8, 2008 at 4:42 pm rating: +1
#57
Canthz_B
And so we learn that the three levels of Cleanliness Hell are “The Mess”, “The Dirty” and “The Dirty Mess”.
Feb 8, 2008 at 4:54 pm rating: +2
#58
tom
woooooo. old 97’s.
Feb 8, 2008 at 5:44 pm rating: +1
#59
Suhayla
we all have to use this board, why not try to keep yr msg small…
Feb 8, 2008 at 7:50 pm rating: 0
#60
MustangSally
you’re grammar is wrong
Feb 8, 2008 at 7:51 pm rating: 0
#61
park rose
Im a timebomb wiating 2 explode and Ive got the spatula to prove it…
Feb 8, 2008 at 8:08 pm rating: +1
#62
park rose
I also love,
Please help Please…
I don’t know if the should applicable to the notewriter, or to Lauren.
Sorry if any of these are duplicate, heisa monster is really playing up!
Feb 8, 2008 at 8:12 pm rating: +1
#63
Crash
Well…She should have fun cleaning up all those notes she posted everywhere…all over the place.
Feb 8, 2008 at 9:01 pm rating: 0
#64
Crash
Damn…almost double posted.
Feb 8, 2008 at 9:02 pm rating: 0
#65
Crash
I like the “clean up the dirty” sounds like something you’d find a pet left behind or in a diaper…
Feb 8, 2008 at 9:08 pm rating: 0
#66
slag
some things i cant figure out:
are there other notes hiding in strange places? could a quick look behind the toilet or under the sink reveal yet another PAN and solidify the evidence against the note leaver’s sanity?
is the timebomb waiting to explode because it hasnt been set yet? how many dirties do you have to find before the countdown begins?
why would someone use a pen to point out things on an lcd monitor? how the hell am i supposed to scrub this shit off?
Feb 8, 2008 at 10:29 pm rating: +1
#67
ALA
I love the overwritten note on the board; someone wrote a note about the kitchen being dirty EVERYDAY, then wrote over it “MUST I REPEAT?”
Also from the board: I’m wondering if Colin got his $2.50 back. The roomie may not have had any money after spending so much on paper.
Feb 9, 2008 at 8:24 am rating: +1
#68
Rachael
How many people LIVE in this place? God, I get the sense it’s like 6 damn college students who can’t communicate. That whiteboard gives me the horrors. House Meetings? God, kill me if I ever have to live with someone who writes notes on a whiteboard about house meetings or chore wheels.
Feb 9, 2008 at 6:56 pm rating: 0
#69
Lara
OK, the best part of all is the note on the bottom right of the white board. It’s a list of bands playing at a certain venue, and one is called:
“ill-literacy”!
Now that we know the heroes our note-writer has, we can understand why she embraces her own “ill-literacy”!
(Unless she just can’t spell illiteracy either.)
Feb 12, 2008 at 12:11 pm rating: 0
#70
K
This happened to me. I only had 2 other roommates my sophmore year in college. The one was rarely there b/c she lived at her parents. The apartment was for when she wanted to bang her boyfriend. Kind of expensive just so your parents will not think her a sinner–just the same, that made money an issue, a HUGE issue, to her.
Example: I came home after Xmas break and the heat was at 52–and she was there with her boyfriend! I could see my breath indoors! I am surprised the pipes didn’t freeze.
Anyway:
One night, I was so tired I fell asleep after cleaning the house in the evening. The lights were on, and the TV for company… when I woke up less than 2 hours later, there were post-it notes on EVERY light and appliance that was left on… about 15-20 (even the switches for the overheads.) They were worded like the electronics were talking or worded like the power bill was talking.
It was INSANE.
I wish this blog existed back then; you’d all be desensitized to this kind of crap by now… and I would have someone to share the insanity with.
Feb 20, 2008 at 1:02 pm rating: 0
#71
mercatur
PLEASE CLEAN UP THE DIRTY YOU MADE
lmfao
Feb 20, 2008 at 2:17 pm rating: 0
#72 “swiffer gives cleaning a whole new meaning”
[...] landmine in my bloodline digg_skin = ‘compact’; reddit! stumble it! function fbs_click() { [...]
May 21, 2008 at 12:09 am rating: 0
#73
Mormon Temple Spotter
Did anyone notice the pictures of the Latter-Day Saint (Mormon) Temple on the white board? I’m guessing that this apartment is at a Mormon School like Brigham Young University, where I went to school. The most hilarious thing to me is that all those curse words are mere inches from a picture of the Salt Lake Temple, a building that it supposed to remind us of Christ, peace, love, and charity! Come on, people!
Also, you should know that “Chore Wheels” and “Apartment Meetings” are commonplace at BYU, practically part of the young single mormon culture they have going on there. That’s why everyone gets married so fast – so they don’t have to deal with those crazy roommates anymore!
Jun 27, 2008 at 1:24 am rating: +1
#74
OrangeXenon54
That timebomb was fucking delicious.
Dec 10, 2008 at 8:45 am rating: 0
#75
win now
Keep it up (like I do
) Great site – loved the bit about yourselves.
Nov 10, 2009 at 1:37 am rating: 0
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