Where angels fear to spit

February 13th, 2008 · 69 comments

From an anonymous heathen in Washington, D.C.:

Dear Those Who LOITER/SMOKE in THIS PARTICULAR HALLWAY: This is not a place where you can place your trash!!! People actually live here, believe it or not, and frankly, we're sick and tired of cleaning up after grown people who can go outside and do their business !!!!!!! The last thing people who actually work and have a life in this APARTMENT BULIDING [sic] WANT TO SEE WHEN THEY COME HOME IS ASHES, CIGARETTE BUTTS AND SALIVA (OR SPIT, FOR THOSE WHO CANNOT READ) IN THIS HALLWAY!!!! GO AWAY AND DO YOUR BUSINESS ELSEWHERE, WE'RE VERY SICK AND TIRED OF CLEANING UP AFTER YOU!!! BE A ROACH AND A HEATHEN SOMEWHERE ELSE. Dutifully, Disgruntled Resident

related: It must have been a pretty big bite

FILED UNDER: bold underlined italics · D.C. · excessive underlining · exclamation-point happy!!!! · neighbors · obnoxious definition · smoking · spelling and grammar police · spitting


69 responses so far ↓

  • #1   ErikaBlare

    I’m confused. Does the disgruntled resident live in the hallway?

    Feb 13, 2008 at 10:10 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   fantasy bang

      No, he lives in the BULIDING!?!???

      Feb 14, 2008 at 12:16 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #2   Dent

    so if i can’t read how am i going to be able to read “spit” let alone “saliva” or the whole note for that matter, how insensitive!

    It seems like the note is missing something… yes… i think it needs some italics too just to compliment the bolding, underlining, and size change or all three

    Feb 13, 2008 at 10:13 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

     
  • #3   kramertime

    how do you clean up spit or saliva?

    doesn’t it just dry…

    Feb 13, 2008 at 10:15 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #4   lslslslsl

    Team note writer! and thanks, Terry.

    Feb 13, 2008 at 10:20 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #5   Katy bang

    Doesn’t this person realize that “do one’s business” is more commonly defined as urinating or defecating, not smoking and spitting?

    Wonderfully angry punctuation, though. Is there more backstory?

    Feb 13, 2008 at 10:51 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #6   Kelly

    Um…unless you live in the hallway…why are you cleaning it up?

    Feb 13, 2008 at 11:11 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   fantasy bang

      ’tis better than living in a BULIDING?!

      Feb 13, 2008 at 11:59 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #7   Raye

    Heathen?
    I wonder why they brought religion into it… It may be gross and annoying to smoke and spit in the hall but there doesn’t seem to be anything that IRRELIGIOUS about it.
    And y’know, I was kind of with the note writer up until the end too. The “heathen” just sent it over the wall into psychoville.

    Feb 13, 2008 at 11:17 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #7.1   Lorelie

      It’s a little known fact but the original version of the 23rd Psalm read “Yea, though I walk through the hallway of the shadow of filth, I will fear no evil.”

      Feb 14, 2008 at 10:19 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #8   WanderingPenguin bang

    “THIS IS NOT A PLACE WHERE YOU CAN PLACE YOUR TRASH!!!”

    Um…clearly it is. Otherwise, what made you write the note? :)

    Also – and I may be speaking only for myself – as much as I hate coming home to ashes and cigarette butts in my stairwells they are likely not the “last thing[s]” I want to see when I come home. In fact, they’re probably not even in the top 50. :D

    Feb 13, 2008 at 11:34 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   Canthz_B bang

      How many excrement notes does a body need to know that! LOL
      Nice point, nicely made! :-D

      Feb 14, 2008 at 12:25 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #9   Canthz_B bang

    I love the “WE’RE” with a lack of petitioners’ signatures!
    Just say “I” and stop hiding behind imaginary others.

    Feb 13, 2008 at 11:40 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #9.1   park rose bang

      God works in mysterious ways, CB.
      ;)

      Feb 13, 2008 at 11:52 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.2   fantasy bang

      When you’re that Big,Bold, andUnderlined , everyone already knows who you are. So why bother to actually confess? *might as well be a heathen*

      Feb 14, 2008 at 12:38 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #10   Canthz_B bang

    “Of course, I have no problem with you loitering, smoking, spitting or otherwise trashing other hallways. Just not this particular hallway!”

    Feb 13, 2008 at 11:45 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #11   park rose bang

    Disgruntled meant:

    LEAVE YOUR ROACH AND A-HEAVIN’ SOMEWHERE ELSE .

    surely?

    Feb 13, 2008 at 11:51 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #12   fantasy bang

    Oh,those heathen roaches leaving ashes,Butts,and spit all over the particular hallway in the buliding! They should take their business outside.
    Who is Frankly?

    Feb 13, 2008 at 11:54 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   park rose bang

      Frankly is grown people, fantasy, who can do their business elsewhere.

      I’m picturing grown men called frank running around with potty seats now.

      Feb 14, 2008 at 12:44 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.2   amy d bang

      I believe Frankly is Shirely’s husband.

      Feb 14, 2008 at 9:47 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #13   Canthz_B bang

    Would it not have been more helpful to enlighten as to the first thing people who actually work and have a life would like to see would be? That way they could perhaps overlook the other things.

    Feb 14, 2008 at 12:17 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #14   Troy McClure bang

    Why all the indignant seethin’?
    Our diktat ain’t strict; it’s mild, even.
    A church-going roach
    Is beyond our reproach,
    And so is a bipedal heathen.

    Feb 14, 2008 at 1:33 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   ER

      A+ Limerick!

      Feb 14, 2008 at 6:12 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #15   DougB

    Perhaps the author is just testing their new Macintosh Plus / Apple Imagewriter dot matrix printer.

    Feb 14, 2008 at 2:07 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #15.1   park rose bang

      lol. The ‘heathen’ reference would be explained by the holy ghosts in the machine.

      Feb 14, 2008 at 2:21 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #16   Sue Do Nim bang

    If I can’t place my trash in your hallway, can I throw it?

    Feb 14, 2008 at 2:23 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #17   park rose bang

    Dutifully Disgruntled’s Guide to The 3 Levels of Phlegm Literacy.

    Level 3: No expectoration!
    Reader is highly literate and his/her hawking skills are second to none. Is likely to perspire rather than sweat. Likely not to be a heathen or a roach.

    Level 2: No saliva!
    Reader has functional literacy and his/her hawking skills are competent, but lacking in finesse. Likely not to be a heathen, but possibility of being a roach.

    Level 1: No spit!
    Reader has minimal to no literacy skills. Hawking skills are sub-par, and is likely to create an unsightly string of drool and to blow spittle when trying to cough up a convincing ball of phlegm. Likely to be a heathen and a roach, but unlikely to be able to leave pools of sputum in hallways. With Christian encouragement, may be able to attain level 2.

    Feb 14, 2008 at 2:44 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

     
  • #18   doeseatoats bang

    Can anyone tell me what this note says? I can’t read, but I did phonic my way through the word SPIT.

    Is it spiteful?

    Feb 14, 2008 at 3:42 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #19   celluloid history

    Frankly, Mr. Shankly, It’s a sickening wreck
    I’ve got the tenant in 4g breathing down my neck
    You must smoke fast, you understand me
    You must leave your cigar butts in the ashtray, Mr. Shankly

    Feb 14, 2008 at 6:42 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #20   Grimfool_Reluctant bang

    Why do we never see notes from gruntled residents? Why is it “dutifully” posted — does he work for the exclamation point factory?

    Feb 14, 2008 at 7:42 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #21   Shagnbag

    Oh, the creamy PAN goodness –

    - excellent use of changing font sizes
    - random boldness and ALL CAPS to simulate shouting
    - PAN mandated salutation and closing
    - reference to disgusting bodily functions
    - irrelevant religious craziness
    - thrilling use of exclamation points!!!!!!!

    It could use a couple smiley faces and/or penis drawings, but overall i give it 8 out of 10.

    Feb 14, 2008 at 9:12 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #21.1   Bellabeastie

      Well done Shag. However you didn’t factor in the unadulterated vehemence and self-righteousness….. for that I would have to give it a 9. :)

      Feb 14, 2008 at 9:46 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #22   unholyghost2003 bang

    It could be worse, there could be deeply carved writings. Don’t be a heathen, count your blessings!

    Feb 14, 2008 at 9:44 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #22.1   Mishee bang

      dammit uhg – that was the first thing that came to my mind!

      watch out for Homeland Security!!

      Mar 5, 2008 at 2:58 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #23   amy d bang

    They HAVE A LIFE IN THIS APARTMENT BULIDING which, apparently, CEASES TO EXIST when they exit the buliding.

    Feb 14, 2008 at 9:51 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #24   Wade bang

    Wait. You mean someone has come up with a business based on loitering, smoking and spitting? I would like to see their prospectus.

    Feb 14, 2008 at 10:10 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

     
  • #25   aj

    That note would make me want to start smoking and spitting in my hallway. What a jerk.

    Feb 14, 2008 at 10:42 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #26   kcb

    From Wikipedia:

    “Heathen is from Old English hæðen “not Christian or Jewish”, (c.f. Old Norse heiðinn). Historically, the term was probably influenced by Gothic haiþi “dwelling on the heath”, appearing as haiþno in Ulfilas’ bible as “gentile woman,” (translating the “Hellene” in Mark 7:26). This translation probably influenced by Latin paganus, “country dweller”, or it was chosen because of its similarity to the Greek ethne, “gentile”. It has even been suggested that Gothic haiþi is not related to “heath” at all, but rather a loan from Armenian hethanos, itself loaned from Greek ethnos.”

    Feb 14, 2008 at 10:48 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #26.1   WanderingPenguin bang

      ….and?

      Feb 14, 2008 at 3:39 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #27   etherealangel

    Hmm time to move to a different building I think.

    Feb 14, 2008 at 11:13 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #28   GhostWriter bang

    I’ve spent years crafting my smoking and spitting into a legitimate business, and to legally take the home office tax deduction I have to remain in the building. Frankly, taking my business elsewhere would bankrupt me.

    Where’s the pity for the modern American Entrepreneur?

    Feb 14, 2008 at 11:13 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #29   Writerrejected bang

    Sounds like a crazy religious note: “Be a heathen and a roach.” I don’t cotton to that kind of PA note. Not at all.

    I might like the note better if it said” “I’ll thank you very kindly for being a heathen and a roach somewhere else!!!!! Have a great day!!!!!”

    Feb 14, 2008 at 11:24 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #30   Set To Evil

    For people who can’t read, will there be an Audiobook version?

    Feb 14, 2008 at 12:43 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #31   Gez bang

    Just marvellous. On so many levels.

    Feb 14, 2008 at 1:42 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #32   sitboaf

    Frankly, take these butts off of me
    I don’t smoke here anymore
    You have a life, I clearly see
    So I’ve stopped hockin’ in Heathen’s Hall

    Hock, hock, hockin’ in Heathen’s Hall
    Hock, hock, hockin’ in Heathen’s Hall
    Hock, hock, hockin’ in Heathen’s Hall
    Hock, hock, hockin’ in Heathen’s Hall

    Outside the buliding, on the grounds
    I’ll salivate forevermore
    No more cleaning up after me
    See I’ve stopped spittin’ in Heathen’s Hall

    Hock, hock, hockin’ in Heathen’s Hall
    Hock, hock, hockin’ in Heathen’s Hall
    Hock, hock, hockin’ in Heathen’s Hall
    Hock, hock, hockin’ in Heathen’s Hall

    Feb 14, 2008 at 2:47 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #33   noneofyourbusiness

    I have sympathy for the note writer. When you are a clean person with some class and you share common areas with people who are filthy pigs, it gets annoying. The problem is the note will have no effect whatsoever on people like that.

    Feb 14, 2008 at 3:16 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #33.1   ALA bang

      My guess is that the heathens will purposely behave worse in an attempt (probably a successful one) to further piss off the note-writer.

      Feb 14, 2008 at 9:00 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #34   Neil

    I’m thinking the saliva was of the PHLEGM variety…..I used to live in a building where people were horking all the time….it is quite disgusting!!!….especially when your hand touches a handrail or wall covered in it!!!

    Feb 15, 2008 at 4:26 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #35   Lurker

    I do sympathize with the note writers, but they lost me at “heathen.” That’s religious discrimination.

    Feb 15, 2008 at 8:19 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #36   K

    Hello. I’m the “creator” of this particular note. First and foremost, when I said the word, “heathen”, I wasn’t thinking of any religious connotation whatsoever, so please, spare me w/ that “religious discrimination” crap. Second, the letter was meant for those particular people in the area where I live who find a way to get INSIDE the building where I reside, and use it as a “hang-out place” AND as a personal “bathroom”, leaving saliva and the like, noted in my message. I think MOST of you just made fun of the note, and missed the point. I think only 2 people who commented actually UNDERSTOOD where I’m coming from. Whoever wrote “from an anonymous heathen in washington, d.c.”—WTF? I don’t know if it was meant to be a joke, but I didn’t find it funny. Excuse me for being a clean person, and wanting my environment to be the same as well. I posted it here, because I DID find it funny, once my anger subsided, and thought I could post it here, since I used to like this site. Again, you all missed the point, but I’m sure you do on A LOT of other notes as well.

    Signed,

    K

    Feb 17, 2008 at 5:59 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #36.1   anglophile bang

      Hi K! Thanks for writing a perfectly spiffy note! Sorry you have to deal with heathens and roaches. That must be very frustrating!

      Could you please tell us, as a matter of pure scientific interest, whether the note worked? Inquiring minds want to know! :mrgreen:

      Feb 17, 2008 at 6:05 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #36.2   amy d bang

      K, no offense, but if you are familiar with this site then you know that we’re just doing what we do . It’s not personal, we are just folks with warped senses of humor. :D

      Feb 17, 2008 at 6:23 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #37   K

    Anglophile:

    I know you’re being sarcastic, but if you must know–the note actually worked. I didn’t think it would myself, but instead of getting my head blown off by some thugs by getting verbal with them in person, I wrote a note and posted it. My building has been quiet ever since. :)

    Feb 17, 2008 at 6:11 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #37.1   anglophile bang

      Aw, you pegged me! I was being sarcastic, but in a friendly way, you understand? Glad it worked!

      I myself have written scores of p/a notes, so I have no leg to stand on at all! ;)

      Feb 17, 2008 at 6:19 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #38   K

    Anglophile:
    Hmm. ;) I can be sarcastic(even downright bitchy), but I TRY to be nice. My note was to offend only those who do those disgusting things in my building, NO ONE ELSE. And because no one else in this bldg wouldn’t do anything, I took matters into my own hands. Simple as that.

    Feb 17, 2008 at 6:25 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #38.1   anglophile bang

      I don’t think any PAN readers were offended by your note, K. You can rest easy on that score.

      Again, I offer you my congratulations on your P/A victory! Glad the non-heathens and non-roaches won! :D

      Feb 17, 2008 at 6:28 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #39   K

    Amy D:
    Well, thank you for clearing that up! I can understand “warped sense of humor”, since I have one, but again, some of you guys didn’t understand what I had went through in my place of residence. It. was. DISGUSTING. I’m trying to mellow out about the whole thing. Really.

    Feb 17, 2008 at 6:29 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #39.1   amy d bang

      ‘k, K.

      Feb 17, 2008 at 6:30 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #40   K

    Anglophile:
    Thanks. :) I’d like to thank my blinding fury towards the “heathens” and quick fingers on the keyboard on my DELL computer. ;)

    Feb 17, 2008 at 6:30 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #41   Troy McClure bang

    Hi K. I’m not offended, & I hope I don’t offend you. I am, however, very interested in the way words are used (that’s a lot of the reason I hang around here). I’m very interested in your non-religious use of “heathen”. Is that just you? Or do you sometimes converse with other people who use the word in a non-religious way? I’ve never heard it meaning anything other than nonbeliever.

    Feb 17, 2008 at 6:36 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #42   K

    Troy:
    That’s just me. When I wrote the note, of course I was upset (did you not see the bold, italic, and underlining, lol?) and was thinking of words that would REALLY offend those who the message was for…….and “roach” and “heathen” poped up. Again, nothing to do with religion, from my standpoint. Glad you weren’t offended! :D

    Feb 17, 2008 at 6:40 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #43   Open English

    lol – a “heathen”?? wow, someone needs to get them a dictionary… or take away their bible privileges.

    Feb 18, 2008 at 2:31 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #44   K

    Open English:

    I’m not going to explain myself all over again. Just read the note I wrote–or not–whatever. I said what I said, so please, ppl—get the (bleep) over the word “heathen”. Damn.

    Feb 18, 2008 at 3:43 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #45   kingning

    step 1-take lunatics note off the wall and place neatly in the middle of the hallway.

    step 2-expend your bowels on top of lunatics note.

    step 3-to conceal the crime, cover it in a 1-2 foot pile of cigarette butts mixed with 4 boxes plain instant j-e-l-l-o and approx. 2-3 gallons of saliva.

    step 4-leave note informing the Gruntleds’ of their leet hallway restoration skills they have always bragged about on their notes on walls, and tell them to clean their adopt-a-hallway up.

    Feb 18, 2008 at 8:30 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #46   Shane

    this is what they meant by “doing one’s business” in the hallway… http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2007/12/11/seriously/

    SRSLY!!

    Feb 18, 2008 at 11:17 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #47   K

    kingning:

    Yea…whatever. Again with you ppl? Geez.

    Anything else you would like to add to your “steps”???

    Feb 19, 2008 at 9:24 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #48   K

    Shane:

    Aw, yea, sucks for those ppl who like to be clean too. Dog crap? Ew. Cigarrette butts and spit? Ew, too. Either way: ppl were doing their “business” in HALLWAYS where OTHERS live!

    *sighs*.

    Feb 19, 2008 at 9:27 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #49   demonfafa

    I would post this in my building, but no one would understand it unless it was written in Korean or Spanish.

    Feb 20, 2008 at 6:41 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #50   K

    Demonfafa:

    Elaborate: b/c these ppl live in your bldg? They’re gross too, or you’re just being silly? :)

    Feb 21, 2008 at 9:07 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     

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