You can do it. We can’t help.

February 25th, 2008 · 91 comments

Julie spotted this amazing note on New York’s Lower East Side…

I WANT MY MONEY I WILL POST SIGNS ALL OVER HOME DEPOT IF I DON'T GET IT BY TODAY

(Dude, how ominous are those ellipses?)

related: Movin’ out (Anthony’s song)

FILED UNDER: crazypants · money · not-so-veiled threats · Say wha?


91 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Grimfool_Reluctant bang

    I’m posting sighs, too, over the future of Ellington Woodard’s punkass shit.

    Feb 25, 2008 at 9:24 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   anglophile bang

      Only one comment ahead of me, and already I’m out of material! ;)

      Feb 25, 2008 at 9:26 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.2   radiofreenova

      say, that’d be a great title for a new gorey-by-way-of-boondocks comic:

      The Future of Ellington Woodard’s Punkass Shit

      love it!

      Feb 26, 2008 at 10:32 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #2   gingerE

    Sucks to be Ellington Woodard

    Feb 25, 2008 at 9:28 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #3   Canthz_B bang

    So…Roberta does not care if she posts signs all over Home Depot screaming, “I was played for my money by Ellington Woodard!”
    She’s got some moxie!

    Feb 25, 2008 at 9:32 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   GVI bang

      Oh it’s Roberta, I was thinking who the hell is Robert 2.

      Feb 26, 2008 at 9:20 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #4   boone

    Feb 25, 2008 at 9:55 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #5   Troy McClure bang

    Is that like, good money after bad? “The first half, that your brother gave my horse, sucked! So pay up with the rest!” Anyways….

    I worked hard to get you the first half.
    My bro gave you it on my behalf.
    But you called me a knave!
    Fine! Spend what I gave
    You on posters while I have the last laugh.

    Feb 25, 2008 at 9:59 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

     
  • #6   mamason bang

    That’s some real punkass shit. Not the fake, low-fat shit the man be trying to force on us.

    Feb 25, 2008 at 10:09 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   humanity

      roflol thats funny:)

      Feb 29, 2008 at 6:04 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #7   pry

    next week she’s posting signs all over lowe’s. the week after that—–signs all over ace hardware. don’t fuck with roberta.

    Feb 25, 2008 at 10:23 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

     
  • #8   wutevah.

    the best notes read like a harry potter screamer.

    Feb 25, 2008 at 10:23 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #9   Coke-aholic bang

    You know, I was reading it as Robert A., not Roberta. See how she capitalizes her A’s in the middle of some words but the one at the end of Robert is a lowercase a? Somehow the fact that it is a lady makes this way more hilarious.

    Feb 25, 2008 at 10:29 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #10   bellabeastie

    Okay.. she is going to post “sighs” all over Home Depot. That’s like I feel every time I walk in there.. “Hi Welcome to Home Depot… ken I hep u find sum punk ass shit ) U O Me Money.

    Team I Will Mess You Up. Pay Up.
    And how dare you send your brother in with half. wtf…

    Be afraid of the wrath of Robert- a

    -

    Feb 25, 2008 at 10:32 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

     
  • #11   Aijaz bang

    Punkin’ my place with his brother
    Dissing my debt with just half
    Bilking me softly for so long
    Bilking me softly for so long
    Telling Home Depot with my sighs
    Bilking me softly, for so long…

    I heard him talk a good talk, I saw him walk with style.
    And so I let him grovel and beg me for a while.
    And there he was, this “E. Dub”, a stranger to my eyes.

    Punkin’ my place with his brother
    Dissing my debt with just half
    Bilking me softly for so long
    Bilking me softly for so long
    Telling Home Depot with my sighs
    Bilking me softly, for so long…

    I felt all flushed with anger, embarrassed by the crowd,
    Like he found my P.A. Notes and read each one out loud.
    I prayed that he would pay up but he just kept right on …

    Punkin’ my place with his brother
    Dissing my debt with just half
    Bilking me softly for so long
    Bilking me softly for so long
    Telling Home Depot with my sighs
    Bilking me softly, for so long…

    He started in the summer: “Bro, I’ll pay you next week.”
    But then he’d walk right past me as if I wasn’t there.
    Ellington Woodard’s just a leech, leeching clear and strong

    Punkin’ my place with his brother
    Dissing my debt with just half
    Bilking me softly for so long
    Bilking me softly for so long
    Telling Home Depot with my sighs
    Bilking me softly, for so long…

    He was punkin’, oh, he was dissing me strong,
    Bilking me softly for so long
    Bilking me softly for so long
    Telling Home Depot with my sighs
    Bilking me softly, for so long…
    For so long…

    Feb 25, 2008 at 10:39 pm   rating: 18  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   mamason bang

      OMG! Didn’t Roberta Flack do this song? What a coinky-dink! :-P
      Oh, and Bravo btw.

      Feb 25, 2008 at 10:45 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.2   Aijaz bang

      Thanks. First post ever.

      Yes, she did. That’s all I could think of, reading the note: Roberta Flack at the Chicago Bluesfest, wanting her money back, fool! :)

      Feb 25, 2008 at 10:50 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.3   mamason bang

      Stellar first showing, Aijaz. Welcome aboard!

      Now, who you callin’ fool, fool? ;-)

      Feb 25, 2008 at 10:55 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.4   Canthz_B bang

      F’ing gorgeous! :-D

      finally has mamason right beneath him! :twisted:

      Feb 25, 2008 at 10:56 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.5   mamason bang

      *looks up quickly in hopeful anticipation only to have her heart dashed again. Alas, CB is referring to the song parody* :oops:

      Feb 25, 2008 at 11:03 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.6   mamason bang

      Ah… sneaky editing! Me likey when you play dirty! :-P And thanks for throwing me a bone…
      8-O

      Feb 25, 2008 at 11:13 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.7   Cimmy

      OMG. I literally LOLed.

      Feb 26, 2008 at 3:26 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.8   humanity

      awesome song

      Feb 29, 2008 at 6:07 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #12   Canthz_B bang

    Forgive me Paul, John, George and Ringo for this short parody of Eleanor Rigby:

    Ahhh, there are signs
    All ‘round Home Depot.
    Ahhh, there are signs
    All ‘round Home Depot.

    Ellington Woodard,
    You owe me money,
    I posted a sign,
    Please remit.
    No punk ass shit!

    You sent your brother
    Over to my home
    With half of what’s owed,
    I need more.
    Even this score.

    Signs all ‘round Home Depot.
    Don’t make me put up more.
    Signs all ‘round Home Depot.
    They’re all over the store.

    Feb 25, 2008 at 10:53 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   S.S.

      Y’all have way too much time on your hands.

      :P

      Feb 25, 2008 at 10:57 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.2   mamason bang

      You need no forgiveness! :lol:

      Feb 25, 2008 at 10:57 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.3   mamason bang

      You should see what else I have on my hands.
      8-O Where’s Wade with the tissues?

      Feb 25, 2008 at 10:59 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.4   Sarah bang

      I should read comments first. But that was awesome.

      Feb 26, 2008 at 1:37 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.5   mere bang

      i was thinking ‘eleanor rigby’ immediately. so THANK YOU for the parody.

      Feb 26, 2008 at 1:55 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #13   bamBAM!! bang

    Well if she doesn’t care if he or she doesn’t care, then why would Ellington pay her back?

    Feb 25, 2008 at 11:42 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #14   Sara

    That punkass shit was fucking delicious.

    Feb 26, 2008 at 12:08 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   mamason bang

      Umm… Sara? Would you care for a tic-tac? :-|

      Feb 26, 2008 at 12:26 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.2   Set To Evil

      yeah, even I wouldn’t have said that.

      Feb 26, 2008 at 8:29 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #15   amina

    WOW, sending the brother? with only half? that is some real punk ASS shit!

    Feb 26, 2008 at 12:55 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #16   Sarah bang

    This makes the second Eleanor Rigby, because I’m overeager…

    Ah, look at all the angry flyers!

    Ellington Woodard pissed off Roberta by keeping her money too long
    And that’s just wrong
    He won’t return it; he sent his brother to visit with just half of it
    That punk-ass shit

    All of the angry flyers
    Where do they all come from?
    All of the angry flyers
    Where do they all belong?

    Ripped-off Roberta, writing her words on a posted sign no one will heed
    Or even read
    Look at her cursing, leaving her notes in Home Depot when nobody’s there
    What does she care?

    All of the angry flyers
    Where do they all come from?
    All of the angry flyers
    Where do they all belong?

    Ellington Woodard fled from the town once he saw what a scene he had made
    He never paid
    Pissed-off Roberta kept leaving signs in department stores asking for pay
    Day after day

    All of the angry flyers
    Where do they all come from?
    All of the angry flyers
    Where do they all belong?

    Feb 26, 2008 at 1:26 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

    • #16.1   ALA bang

      Effing BRILLIANT!

      Feb 26, 2008 at 1:44 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #17   Tyler bang

    I bet Ellingtons brother is enjoying that other half of the money right now.

    Feb 26, 2008 at 1:28 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

     
  • #18   Crash bang

    Guess he’s gotta find some way of gaining a reputation with a name like that though…
    This way he looks a little more notoriouse at least, it might be some childhood payback lesson for his brother…
    Or he’s just…well…you know…with that name anyway…They could call him Elli for short…

    Feb 26, 2008 at 2:00 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #19   Chipmunk

    But… why Home Depot? Does he work there or something? I need backstory, Julie!

    Oh and Team Punk-Ass Shit FTW.

    Feb 26, 2008 at 2:43 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #20   secondsout bang

    the mafia sends guys out with baseball bats and brass knuckles to collect their money. This loser just posts signs all over Home Depot. Which is more effective…?

    Feb 26, 2008 at 3:24 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #21   Writerrejected bang

    I love the: “If you don’t care, neither do I.”

    Also, it looks like Roberta is threatening to post sighs (not signs) all over Home Depot, which seems appropriate because the old HD is so overwhelming and towering with crap that I do always sigh whenever I happen in that place. Sigh postings would be comforting.

    Also, it is punk-ass shit to send your bro with half the dough. That Ellington, what a mole!

    Feb 26, 2008 at 7:25 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #22   Rumblefish

    I believe that Ellington sent his half brother with half the money. The irony is completely lost on Roberta.

    Feb 26, 2008 at 7:54 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #23   Sandy

    Roberta Roberta Roberta … it saddens me you could not be more creative. And if you don’t care either, why the hassle??

    Feb 26, 2008 at 7:58 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #24   claw71 bang

    TWO DOLLARS!!!!

    Feb 26, 2008 at 8:32 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #24.1   Set To Evil

      Roberta, this isn’t a good time for me right now, you see my grandmother dropped acid and freaked out and hi-jacked a school bus full of, uh , penguins! so if you could come back later that would be great…!

      Feb 26, 2008 at 8:32 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.2   ellington in the garbage

      Now that’s a real shame when folks be throwin’ away a perfectly good white boy like that.

      Sep 13, 2009 at 12:49 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #25   claw71 bang

    Well the sigh says gimme my money if you don’t I’ll do this all day

    So I took my pen out of my pocket and I wrote out what I wanted to say

    Go ahead it don’t bother me, it’s punk ass shit I wouldn’t do

    But send your brother for half, that’s low, Huh! even from you

    WHOA!

    Sighs, sighs, Roberta’s written sighs

    blocking out the price tags, posted in the lines

    pay me, I can’t spell, can’t you read the sighs.

    Feb 26, 2008 at 8:39 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

     
  • #26   Nekomimi bang

    claw71, that was awesome!

    Feb 26, 2008 at 8:45 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #26.1   claw71 bang

      I think I’d like to hear Tesla cover Signs with these alternative lyrics. Nothing against FMAB, I just think that Tesla could convey the pettiness of posting scribbled notes all over Home Depot.

      Poor Artie Blank. First Mike Vick ruins his football team and now Roberta is about to bring punk ass drama into his billion dollar empire.

      Feb 26, 2008 at 9:39 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #27   claw71 bang

    The tune of Mama Said Knock you Out:

    Don’t call it an invoice
    I’m collecting a debt

    You thought you could take money and jet

    But I’m not nice like other people
    I found you at Home Depot

    Posting signs, yeah I know I wrote sighs
    is this spelling class, you can kiss my ass
    Punk ass…
    Shit I’m slinging, mad lyrics I’m singing, for the money your bringing

    I’m gonna post this sign, Huh,

    Roberta gonna post this sign

    I’m gonna post this sign

    Roberta gonna post this sign

    Feb 26, 2008 at 8:59 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #27.1   tbrock

      I think you might be the first person to ever refer to Mama Said Knock You Out as a “tune”.

      Feb 26, 2008 at 7:07 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #28   unholyghost2003 bang

    “If I don’t get it by today” Sorry Roberta, it cost half the money for Ellington to send his brother BACK THROUGH TIME just to give you half!

    Feb 26, 2008 at 9:17 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #29   Lurker

    In honor of Ellington Woodard, a Duke Ellington song…

    In the Home Depot you haunt me
    With P.A. notes and heavy sighs.
    In the Home Depot you taunt me:
    “If you don’t care, neither do I.”
    I walk through the store;
    Can’t take it no more.
    There’s no one could be so sad.
    I’ll send you my bro
    With ten dollars mo’.
    I won’t be a punkass cad.
    In the Home Depot, I’m praying,
    Dear Lord above, pay back my love.
    In the Home Depot…

    Feb 26, 2008 at 9:18 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #30   Kate

    Is there a reason why I can’t see about 75% of these posts?

    Feb 26, 2008 at 9:31 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #30.1   GVI bang

      Is your pc on?

      Feb 26, 2008 at 9:34 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #30.2   Kate

      :) Oh silly me.

      I can see the post, just not the pictures. Any plausible ideas why?

      Feb 26, 2008 at 9:55 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #31   GhostWriter bang

    It’s a little late, but that’s the way Turtles are…

    You gotta think about it
    You just can’t stiff Roberta
    You really need to, Ellington, hear me
    My notes in publication
    Posted at people’s stations
    Here, no one likes you, Ellington Woodard

    Ellington, cheater’s stink; you smell
    And my eerie posts will dwell
    at Home Depot, Lowes, et cetera
    Ellington, does not pay you back
    Punk-ass shit too weak-by half
    Sending me your brother Edgar

    I really think you’re stupid
    I’m gonna take your moped
    If you don’t care now, Ellington, do I?
    I’ll ruin your name and we know
    Signs all over Home Depot
    I think you’ll pay me, Ellington, today!

    Ellington, cheater’s stink; you smell
    And my eerie posts will dwell
    at Home Depot, Lowes, et cetera
    Ellington, does not pay you back
    Punk-ass shit too weak-by half
    Sending me your brother Edgar

    Feb 26, 2008 at 9:45 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #32   claw71 bang

    The one thing about this note that impresses me is the fact that Roberta or Robert 2 clearly struggles with some sort of learning disability but yet has the presence of mind and sense of professionalism to date the note.

    If only Roberta would have included the disclaimer:

    This is an attempt to collect a debt…

    Feb 26, 2008 at 12:15 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #32.1   tragically mep bang

      Later posted in Home Depot:

      As stated in my warning note dated November 2, Mr. E. Woodard owes me the sum of two thousand (2000) dollars US.

      sigh.

      Feb 26, 2008 at 3:40 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #33   Mark

    My bitch better have my money
    Through rain, sleet, or snow
    My whore better have my money
    Not half, not some, but all my cash
    ‘Cause if she don’t,
    I’m gonna put my foot in her ass.

    Feb 26, 2008 at 12:52 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #33.1   pimp of the year

      *dons pimpin fish pumps and takes a stroll*

      Sep 13, 2009 at 12:40 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #34   Heidi

    hahahahaha all over Home Depot? Why stop there?

    Feb 26, 2008 at 1:55 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #35   mere bang

    my question:
    does the home depot hold magical powers that posting signs there would be more effective, than, say, the lowe’s or the circuit city?

    Feb 26, 2008 at 1:57 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #35.1   Lurker

      Maybe he works there.

      Feb 26, 2008 at 6:18 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #36   Max

    I think there’s a future for Ellington and Rene Hall.

    Thanks Terry.

    Feb 26, 2008 at 2:39 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #37   the dawd bang

    to the tune of Wintersleep’s Weighty Ghost.

    Your brother showed up today, but he had only half my pay,
    Your brother showed up today, that’s the punkass way.
    Wouldn’t give me the rest of my pay,
    Where’d my money go?

    Where did my money go,
    I’ve posted sighs all over home depot,
    Where oh where did my money go,
    Where’d my money go?

    Have you seen my money
    This really isn’t funny,
    Have you seen my money,
    That’s some real punkass shit.

    Are you some kind of uncaring man
    This is gonna end up on PAN,
    Ellington Woodward is a punkass man.
    Just leave him alone,
    Don’t you give that dog a bone.
    He doesn’t care and neither do I,
    He won’t bring my money by,
    He won’t even pick up the phone.

    Feb 26, 2008 at 3:01 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #37.1   unholyghost2003 bang

      I love that song.

      Feb 26, 2008 at 3:30 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #37.2   the dawd bang

      i agree, it is a great song.

      Feb 26, 2008 at 3:34 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #38   bamBAM!! bang

    Nov 2

    Dearest Duke Ellington of Woodward,
    I fucking freed your people from the communists. Give me my fucking money, or I won’t care Mr. Ellington. Don’t make your brother come here and kiss the ass off of your fancy pants. Just give me my fucking money that I don’t care about.
    Most sincerely,
    Roberta

    Feb 26, 2008 at 6:01 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #39   bamBAM!! bang

    why did she date the letter? if she was trying to be formal, she could have just signed her full name and typed the damn thing.

    Feb 26, 2008 at 6:03 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #40   bamBAM!! bang

    Wouldn’t it be great if neither of them actually ever go to Home Depot? and like, all the passersby would read the letters that were intended for Duke Ellington?

    Feb 26, 2008 at 6:04 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #40.1   Set To Evil

      I’m posting a sigh to that

      Feb 26, 2008 at 8:45 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #40.2   Canthz_B bang

      Isn’t Duke Ellington dead, bB? :???:

      Feb 26, 2008 at 8:56 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #40.3   bamBAM!! bang

      exactly why he wouldn’t be wasting his time in home depot.

      Feb 26, 2008 at 11:13 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #41   Lurker

    He’s shopping for coffin nails.

    Feb 27, 2008 at 8:21 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #42   Chris

    ELLINGTON WOODARD
    GIVE ROBERTA BACK HER MONEY
    YOUR KILLING
    ANTHONY GROSSO
    THANKS TERRY

    Feb 27, 2008 at 9:04 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #42.1   bamBAM!! bang

      Apostrophize much?

      Feb 27, 2008 at 11:56 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #42.2   Chris

      Clearly, any apostrophes would have been misplaced in that particular comment.

      Feb 28, 2008 at 4:41 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #42.3   amy d bang

      I see no need for apostophes in Chris’ comment. Unless, you meant ‘prosthelize much’, which is befitting.

      Feb 28, 2008 at 4:55 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #42.4   Canthz_B bang

      “You’re” :-|

      Feb 28, 2008 at 5:00 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #42.5   claw71 bang

      Cut Chris some slack. He posted that in the spirit of Anthony Grosso which I believe mitigates the error.

      Eulogize much?

      Feb 28, 2008 at 5:13 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #42.6   amy d bang

      True, CB, if it was written that way. It was not. Therefore no need in my book.

      Feb 28, 2008 at 5:24 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #42.7   Chris

      Comment grammar police? Those who have been around (like amy d, obviously) will remember the great Anthony Grosso and his mastery of the English language. To those who haven’t (yeah, I do know how to use apostrophes)… I would suggest reading it, as it is quite possibly the finest thing ever posted on PAN.

      Thanks Terry

      Feb 28, 2008 at 9:06 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #42.8   Huh?

      Good work, Chris. Pay no attention to the two jabbering mouth-breathers with no sense of humor.

      Feb 28, 2008 at 10:44 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #42.9   Canthz_B bang

      Yes, I got the joke. I was trying to give bB the benefit of the doubt.
      Sheesh! Try to be nice and someone who never makes jokes about the notes gets bent out of shape.

      I agree, Chris. That note belongs in the PANtheon!

      Feb 28, 2008 at 10:59 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #43   stargirl

    wtf

    Feb 28, 2008 at 8:47 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #44   Katzndogz bang

    *sigh*

    Feb 29, 2008 at 11:31 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #45   Hellbound Alleee

    Cy.

    Mar 2, 2008 at 6:57 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     

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