Spotted by Sarah in Minneapolis…
related: take out of box, place directly in toilet
FILED UNDER: "helpful" advice · food · FYI · Minneapolis/St. Paul · office fridge
Uncle Smokin' Joe
There’s nothing like a beef sandwich generously slathered with a Boston Market turkey dinner. I can almost feel my arteries clogging. Worth it!
Feb 28, 2008 at 9:44 am rating: 0
This is crazy talk: why would you BUY food if you can STEAL it? It’s so much cheaper.
Feb 28, 2008 at 9:56 am rating: 6
Fuck you Imogen!
Feb 28, 2008 at 9:56 am rating: 2
WHAT neighbor do you like enough to allow unsupervised in your home, but you don’t know their name and you can’t just ASK them about the missing food?
If this is a workplace fridge issue WHY call the thief “Neighbor?”
Beef sandwich and yogurt dude, NO POINTS. You were not pissed enough to write your OWN PAN, but you were happy to jump on Miss BM turkey dinner’s PAN to whine about your beef sandwich and your $0.50 yogurt. Either make your OWN PAN about the rampant fridge theft or SHUT THE HELL UP!
Feb 28, 2008 at 9:58 am rating: 5
Maybe he lives in a neighboring cubicle?
Feb 28, 2008 at 10:32 am rating: 0
I don’t know, I think beef sandwich dude might have the win. So passive they won’t even write their own note? Awesome.
Feb 28, 2008 at 10:38 am rating: 3
Maybe he works with Jim Nabors, but can’t spell very well.
Feb 28, 2008 at 4:11 pm rating: 2
this must be the same place where Janice lives, boy they really know how to party!!! beef sandwiches, yogurt, boston market, oh my! there’s no place like home.
Feb 28, 2008 at 10:00 am rating: 1
People in Minnesota must leave their perishables outside in the winter to save space. Unless “neighbor” is one of those colloquial expressions but here in Ohio a food thief is normally referred to as claw71.
I also find it hard to believe that the Boston Market Turkey Dinner was enjoyable at all. I’ve eaten sponge with more texture than their meat and I’ve seen milk with more viscosity than those potatoes. Chances are the neighbor knew this and made a citizen’s arrest to spare somebody else the misery of eating anything from BM.
And what sort of beef are we talking about? Roast Beef? Corned? Potted? Chipped? Raw? The variation of beef would have a significant impact on the level of enjoyment.
Feb 28, 2008 at 10:20 am rating: 4
I DO actually leave some of my perishables outside in the winter … that is weird isn’t it? But if you are going to do that you MUST leave them in a secure area. Perhaps Vetta moved down from Winnipeg and threw away the food thinking it was garbage left on the fire escape.
Feb 28, 2008 at 10:32 am rating: 5
…and my axe!
I also fail to see why anyone would steal Boston Market food. I ate a chicken caesar salad there once which had a dead cockroach nestled among the greens.
Feb 28, 2008 at 10:28 am rating: 0
Those are croutons in Boston Market world.
In fact, they are croutons in Boston. But that’s OK because in New York City cockroaches pass for people, most of them get elected.
Feb 28, 2008 at 1:51 pm rating: 4
“Food” that kills roaches is not fit for human consumption. That dinner was not stolen…it was removed by a HAZMAT team!
Feb 28, 2008 at 3:27 pm rating: 1
Yes, your Target- purchased Boston Market turkey dinner was quite enjoyable. Some may even say it was fucking enjoyable, but not me.
Thanks for asking.
As to the beef sandwich and yogurt; they left a little to be desired I’m sorry to say. May I request the Yoplait Whips Chocolate Mousse for next time? How do I say this delicately? Your beef was not enough to fill the bread. I would not have said anything but you brought it up.
Thanks for the eats
Feb 28, 2008 at 10:31 am rating: 11
Truly, madly, deeply yours,
The Larcenous Gourmet
Mar 2, 2008 at 9:32 am rating: 1
I think Mr. Beef Sandwich and Miss Yougart are victims 2 & 3 in this obviously hostile work enviroment. If you cant trust co-workers not to eat your food then I wouldn’t trust them alone and unsupervised with my food.
This PAN writer needs to bring in something really gross from the back of their fridge at home and put a note on it stating this is her Aunt Marg’s very special receipe and PLEASE don’t eat it as she has been looking forward to savoring it.
Or do what my mom did in collage, put some milk of mag in the yougart and see who your culprit is
Feb 28, 2008 at 10:31 am rating: 1
Milk of mag … college student’s best friend. Also works well mixed in White Russians to discourage booze mooches.
Feb 28, 2008 at 10:35 am rating: 1
Wouldn’t one have to buy one’s “own lunch” in order to then be able to “steal it”? Shouldn’t that read “stealing mine”?
Beef sandwich and yogurt guy is a bit shy because his sandwich and yogurt are generic brands that don’t even measure up to Boston Market.
Feb 28, 2008 at 11:12 am rating: 0
I’m with you on this one CB. The writer’s error was to view “to pay for one’s own” as a phrasal verb, which was then contrasted with “to steal.” But that’s … non-standard.
Feb 28, 2008 at 5:49 pm rating: 0
Feb 28, 2008 at 6:04 pm rating: 0
Wait, instead of ” Instead of steal it” shouldn’t it be ” instead of stealING it?
Feb 28, 2008 at 12:09 pm rating: 0
No, because you cannot steal “your own lunch”.
I could be wrong, but I think I’m right in #10.
Feb 28, 2008 at 12:24 pm rating: 0
at 11, it’s all a matter of aspect…
Feb 28, 2008 at 8:07 pm rating: 2
Why, yes, in fact, your turkey dinner was scrumptious. Thanks for asking. Next time, get the side of Mac & Cheese instead of the side of coleslaw. Oh, and be sure to get extra napkins.
Feb 28, 2008 at 12:29 pm rating: 0
Interesting legal questions have been posed regarding lunch theft and while I have previously represented myself as an expert on lunch ettiquette I did take a few online courses and now have the certification to practice lunch room law in 14 states, 3 Canadian Provinces and most of South America.
First of all, one can steal one’s own luch under certain curcumstances. In Ohio vs Farrell I successfully established that my client did not steal his own lunch, which was part of an office potluck, but rather borrowed against future consumption. The state was arguning that he had sacrificed ownership of the lunch when he agreed to participate in the potluck. Ultimately I had the case dismissed on the grounds of illegal search, his tupperware was breached without a warrent, but we polled the jury and they were ready to acquit because the rest of the participants had failed to match the quality of his dish.
I have trouble with this particular case because specifics have not been established. The PAN clearly identifies the Boston Market product as a dinner. So it would be difficult to apply lunch laws to this matter. We also don’t know whether or the yogurt and mysterious “beef” sandwich were intended to be consumed or if they were placed in an common area for decorative purposes.
These are important distinctions.
More important is the issue of where this took place. Was there a reasonable expectation of food security? Had the 45 minute grace period expired? Was the food just sitting on the front steps?
At the end of the day, most people choose to be victims. They fail to properly secure their food stuffs or consume them within a reasonable period of time. If we would all take a few steps to proectect ourselves and our food the criminals who prey on our lunches and snacks would have to find a new vocation.
Feb 28, 2008 at 1:01 pm rating: 14
Oh Claw….it’s been days since I’ve read a post worth giggling about. Or even LOLing at. Thanks … and a big thumbs up for you !
Feb 28, 2008 at 1:22 pm rating: 0
That’s funny, some of these people are hilarious.
Feb 28, 2008 at 2:33 pm rating: 0
Were the beef sandwich and yogurt poached on the same occasion, or are they charged as separate counts?
Feb 28, 2008 at 3:06 pm rating: 0
Feb 28, 2008 at 4:06 pm rating: 0
whoa, when the hell did claw come back???
what happened to you claw? did you have albino python issues or something???
Feb 28, 2008 at 1:15 pm rating: 0
I got mad, took my balls and went home. Then I carefully worked out a plan to have the people who vexed me eliminated.
I got caught, did some time in prison and now I’m out.
As I told C-B earlier, I don’t remember much about prison because the first thing I did was found the biggest brother in the joint and hit him in the face. Next thing I knew I woke up in the infirmary and I was up for parole.
Feb 28, 2008 at 1:49 pm rating: 2
oh my god I think I’m in love with Claw71 after just a couple comments…
That will teach me to read the comments. Dang! I knew there was a reason I was avoiding it.
Feb 28, 2008 at 2:00 pm rating: 0
claw, I was gone about a month but I have to say it is really good to have you back and making me laugh quietly in my cube, hoping I won’t get caught surfing! Keep it up, holmes!
Feb 28, 2008 at 2:09 pm rating: 0
my theory on the “dear neighbour”;-
perhaps it’s college dorms room with a shared kitchen?
Also it seems to me that yogurt guy and beef sandwich guy are two different (but equally passive) people.
I deduce that the culprit is therefore a _serial_ lunch thief.
Feb 28, 2008 at 1:52 pm rating: 0
It’s one thing for the object of the note to scribble a response on it. That’s fair play in PAN land.
However the grievances filed on behalf of the yogurt and the beef sandwich should be part of a new complaint on a separate PAN.
First of all it’s rude because you’re stealing the thunder of the orginal author. Secondly, how can we resolve this issue if subsequent violations are being added after the grievance has been filed?
I declare this a mistrial. Let’s move on to the next note.
Feb 28, 2008 at 2:43 pm rating: 1
What, he steals cereal too? How dastardly!
Feb 28, 2008 at 2:01 pm rating: 1
Heh heh, enjoyable beef sandwiches, that skank. Bow chicka bow wow!
Feb 28, 2008 at 2:21 pm rating: 0
Claw is an idiot. His posts are too long and he writes too many stupid song parodies.
Less is more, buddy.
Feb 28, 2008 at 2:32 pm rating: 0
That’s what she said…
…when I asked her why she’s married to a clown like you.
As for me, my posts aren’t all that’s long. You know what I’m talking about.
That’s right, you don’t.
Feb 28, 2008 at 2:47 pm rating: 6
claw, I know you live to offend, but you haven’t been very offensive of late and it seems EVERYONE is all over you.
Well I think you are funny
Feb 28, 2008 at 3:03 pm rating: 1
Yomama, senses of humor vary.
You do not find claw funny. Other people do.
Your comment, apropos of nothing, is uncalled for and rude.
This is just my opinion.
Feb 28, 2008 at 3:06 pm rating: 2
I agree uhg and amy… first of all, no racist comments have been made by claw, and secondly the posts seem to be about 1/3 the length they used to average!!
Did you get a lobotomy or something while you were on vacation claw???
Either way, I still look forward to reading your posts, and anyone who has a problem with it… well, take it up with Claw – I’ve seen him in a fight over his own honor, and he usually emerges victorious. And all for the entertainment of us all…
Feb 28, 2008 at 3:09 pm rating: 1
It’s really sad when some numb-nuts without much imagination comes in here and ranks on someone just because they are too dim-witted to get the jokes!.
Feb 28, 2008 at 3:13 pm rating: 1
I would have injected race into the conversation but I didn’t think black people lived in Minnesota. Unless Dante Culpepper is back in town. In all honesty nobody really “lives” in Minnesota. It’s too cold in the winter and the rest of the year they get eaten alive by various biting insects.
Besides, this was a Boston Market Turkey Dinner. Had it been a two-piece dark meat special from Church’s I’d have been all over that race card.
Feb 28, 2008 at 3:39 pm rating: 1
My neighbors are Asian so I’m comfortable with leaving food out…my pets, on the other hand, or a different story.
Feb 28, 2008 at 4:04 pm rating: 1
claw you are gonna get me fired, and it’s only my 4th day!! LOL!
Now that gives me an idea for dealing with my crack-head Kitty… but unfortunately the Asian part of town is the expensive area, I live in “Little Mexico” so all they would do it make some DAMN TORTILLAS BY BANGING ON THE COUNTER ALL FUCKING DAY! God, there are only 4 of them in the Jr. 1 bedroom, how many damn tortillas do they eat each day???
Anyways, I digest…
This is about the beef sandwich and the yogurt… and the childern.
Feb 28, 2008 at 4:11 pm rating: 0
I am personally vexed by Claw71.
Yes- he writes notes that are too long and too offensive. And too short, sometimes. When I read them, I often feel envious. Why does he get to write the unprintable, experiencing neither remorse nor guilt? Why do the very notes that I am diametrically opposed to, garner the elusive green background? Look! It’s Claw71 again; badmouthing the Jews along with Jesus. Now he’s degrading blacks, Asians, and Hawaiians. OMG- he just bragged about his genitals. Why am I laughing on the outside and cursing on the inside?
Soon, he will author another of his offensive attacks on hillbillies, or cityfolk, or retarded children, or the obese- it matters not what the subject is. I will laugh through my tears. The tears of a clown.
Feb 29, 2008 at 9:12 am rating: 4
I hate it when things get nasty in here, back to the note people, the real business at hand is group home food theft, and the underlying poor nutrition of those less priveledged.
Feb 28, 2008 at 3:10 pm rating: 2
It does take a bit of arrogance to assume that the person that stole your food can afford their own, doesn’t it.
After all, you’d have to be pretty down and out to steal a Boston Market turkey dinner!
Feb 28, 2008 at 3:18 pm rating: 1
First of all, who are the “note people”? Are they the new “boat people”?
And screw the nutrition of those less “priveledged” [sic] – I wanna know who’s looking after the needs of those less “edumacated”? Yikes.
Feb 28, 2008 at 6:22 pm rating: 1
Don’t hate me because i don’t check my grammer and spelling like a neurotic fat computer nerd, oops i meant to say that in my head. You are fat though aren’t you, I get the feeling you are.
Feb 28, 2008 at 7:28 pm rating: 1
Piss poor spelling and grammar makes the Baby Jesus cry.
Feb 28, 2008 at 9:05 pm rating: 1
That should be “make”! *sob*
Feb 28, 2008 at 9:47 pm rating: 2
Let’s see….small case “i”… grammar spelled with an “e”…. another bad use of commas…. a true work of genius.
I don’t hate you for those reasons, summer. Assuming you spelled THAT correctly and your name isn’t “simmer”. I really couldn’t give a shit about you one way or the other – but if I actually wanted to hate you I am 100% certain that bad grammar and spelling would not even rate on the list of reasons you suck. Sorry to ruin your day, sweetheart. Move along now. There’s a good lass.
Feb 28, 2008 at 10:41 pm rating: 3
Wow, “Huh?”, you really showed her how much you *don’t* care what she thinks. Well done on keeping your cool there. What a nasty, patronising post.
Feb 29, 2008 at 8:09 am rating: 2
…and he is still fat, no matter how much he tells me off, he is still FAT! You need to move along, off the chair now lard ass, stop eating so much and wasting your time picking on folks and poisoning fun blog sites!
Feb 29, 2008 at 11:07 am rating: 0
Wow… anorexic complex much, honey? “Well, I may be unintelligent, ignorant and not the least bit interested in spelling things correctly, but you’re FAT!” Well, to borrow from Sir Winston Churchill (you may need to look him up), “madam, I may be fat but you are stupid and in 3 months I shall be skinny”.
Except, you know, I’m not actually fat. But why should that ruin your fun, dear?
Way to come up with an original phrase, too. “Move along”. That’s a new one. I didn’t just read that about…oh… 2 posts earlier. You and your fairy friend sound like a great team. And speaking of that fairy, I didn’t say anything about caring what she THINKS, genius. Go back and read that again. ONE of us should care what she thinks and obviously that person is not her. Besides, “fat people” are not known for “keeping their cool”. I didn’t want to ruin her image of me. And why are you even involved, again?
Remember, kids: it’s not “wasting your time” if it’s enjoyable. Back to your weekend blahs.
Mar 2, 2008 at 5:04 pm rating: 0
I wonder if the owner of the beef sandwich and yogurt was preggo..
That’s considered starving an unborn child!!
And if I may dust off an old chestnut, “That beef sandwich and yogurt was fucking delicious!”
Oh yeah, I went there dammit!!
Feb 28, 2008 at 3:16 pm rating: 0
Set To Evil
Beat me to it!
I’ll have to come up with a new annoying phrase instead of steal it!
Feb 28, 2008 at 3:32 pm rating: 1
That’s got to be some form of child abuse.
Feb 28, 2008 at 3:41 pm rating: 0
The Fresh Cracker
Oh, I was SO about to say that.
Feb 29, 2008 at 8:57 am rating: 0
Thank you for asking, but, alas, your Boston Market™ turkey dinner tasted like ashes in my mouth. Not because I felt guilty, but because I overcooked it in the microwave. And I didn’t clean out the microwave after.
Feb 28, 2008 at 4:10 pm rating: 0
Sue Do Nim
Yeah, but did you leave any time left on the microwave timer?
Feb 28, 2008 at 4:36 pm rating: 2
Rule out all the Office Kosher Jews in this crime. A meal of meat and milk is considered traif. You can kind of see why such an ancient law was established. Roast beef and yogurt: a barfy combo.
Feb 28, 2008 at 5:43 pm rating: 1
Hell I would steal her food too, Boston Market is my crack.
Feb 28, 2008 at 5:55 pm rating: 0
but but but but stealing is cheaper!
Feb 28, 2008 at 7:10 pm rating: 0
“All vegans and the lactose intolerant move to the left-hand side of the room…Good, that narrows it down some…Everyone else down to the conference room. Vegans and lactose intolerant, back to work.”
Feb 28, 2008 at 7:54 pm rating: 2
Yet another reason to become a vegan; no one *wants* to steal your lunch.
Feb 29, 2008 at 9:13 am rating: 0
Feb 28, 2008 at 8:42 pm rating: 0
I’d pack a nice Alpo meatloaf in a Boston Market bag as a decoy lunch for a few days.
When it finally disappeared I’d post my gotcha note.
Feb 28, 2008 at 11:13 pm rating: 1
Those fucking Boston Market dinners are sick. And besides, who fucking grocery shops at Target?
Feb 28, 2008 at 11:26 pm rating: 0
OMG! I was wondering why there was a Boston Market inside of a Target. I didn’t know they had frozen dinners now.
Feb 28, 2008 at 11:44 pm rating: 0
Tooling around Target in the early afternoon, lurking near the Wine section, looking for lonely desperate housewives, could be considered a form of “fucking-shopping”.
Feb 29, 2008 at 8:50 am rating: 3
See Tim? Wilson can only be so nice. There’s a point where that friendly fence-man just can’t take it anymore.
No amount of caveman grunting can make up for it, Mr. “Toolman” Taylor.
Feb 29, 2008 at 2:39 am rating: 1
Following the “neighborly” lead, this could also be written by Flanders, or Mr. Rogers. My bet is on Flanders, if you read the note and assume no sarcasm.
Feb 29, 2008 at 8:45 am rating: 0
Has nobody noticed the note I taped on the fridge more than a week ago? Fer Chrissakes- it’s right above the Boston Market note!
Notice: This fridge will be emptied on Friday! It has become a chilled storage unit for food that expired in ’07. It is stuffed so full that when you open the door it looks like a huge compressed slice of fruitcake. There’s a yoghurt cup in there that is so old, it has swelled to the size of a Big Red soda. Why are there still Boston Market dinners that we catered in for Thanksgiving??
If you want to retrieve your Tupperware, or what appears to be a softball (but could be an old beef sandwich) Get it before the Weekend!
Feb 29, 2008 at 8:36 am rating: 0
I’ll thank you not to describe my home refrigerator. Perhaps I should leave my door unlocked in hope that the neighbors will come in and steal from it.
Apr 16, 2008 at 5:56 pm rating: 0
I voted PAN for people’s choice. You can vote every day.
Go to: https://secure.sxsw.com/peoples_choice/
On topic: Team Don’t Steal My F*ing Beefgurt-Turk-Dinner lunch from Boston Target
Feb 29, 2008 at 9:29 am rating: 0
I love this! My office has a bunch of food-thievin’ mo fo’s too. I will have to suggest this type of note to the next victim.
Mar 1, 2008 at 8:08 pm rating: 0
Just found this on you-tube and I thought of this note!-
Mar 9, 2008 at 6:13 pm rating: 0
Somebody stole my lunch from the fridge at work back in the 80s. They got a tofu and mango pickle sandwich. I bet they never stole another lunch after that.
Mar 10, 2008 at 2:17 pm rating: 0
Someone kept stealing cigarettes off our front porch, so finally I filled an empty box with butts and dried cat poop. I bet they never stole another pack of cigarettes after that.
Mar 10, 2008 at 3:57 pm rating: 0
— The Beast Among Us
2011: The Top Notes of the Year
2010: The Funniest Notes of the Year
2009: The Best Notes of the Year
2008: Your Favorite Notes of the Year
Carnivores: keep being awesome!
actually totally reasonable
a little patronizing
clip art catastrophe
flowers, trees, houseplants & gardens
landlords and property managers
Moms & Dads
more aggressive than passive
most popular notes of 2010
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now that's management
sex sex sex
signed with love
spelling and grammar police
thanks (but not really)
unnecessary "quotation marks"
You call that punctuation?