myra spotted this note at the fine dining establishment known as tudor’s biscuit world in roanoke, virginia. (for the record, she says, don’t believe the hype — the biscuits aren’t all that great.) but if you’re looking for a place to bear witness…
related: there you go, bringing Him into it again
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183 responses so far ↓
#1 leelou
Okay, #a) that vaseline was fucking delicious…
and #b) references to The Flaming Lips are why I heart the folks at PAN…
or right and #c: I’m addicted to inappropriate ellipses. It’s a problem on which I am working.
Mar 5, 2008 at 12:06 am rating: +2
#2 balconygal
OH! I’ve seen Jesus steal the jelly. It’s only ever happened at breakfast and then there is egg on his face…juss sayin’.
Mar 5, 2008 at 12:08 am rating: 0
#3 Laurie
I had a roommate once leave me a PA note when I forgot to return silverware that I borrowed saying “STEALING IS A SIN!!!!” among other things. So this seems familiar.
Mar 5, 2008 at 12:09 am rating: 0
#4 fantasy
“Well butter my ass and call me a biscuit!”
Mar 5, 2008 at 12:43 am rating: 0
#5 Grimfool_Reluctant
Jesus would say, “Neither do I condiment thee; go and sin no more.”
Mar 5, 2008 at 12:51 am rating: +4
#6 Zsa
Jesus believed in the generosity of others- surely you can giveth of yourself and your grape jelly.
and dont call me Shirley
Mar 5, 2008 at 1:03 am rating: +2
#7 fantasy
If Jesus turned water into wine, while under pressure at a wedding, in front of all the semi-drunk wedding guests. Who by the way at this point were screaming for more booze…..no problem getting jelly at biscuit world!
Mar 5, 2008 at 1:25 am rating: +3
#8 eh
don’t steal jelly, assholes.
(including jesus)
Mar 5, 2008 at 1:26 am rating: 0
#9 Grimfool_Reluctant
I’m not saying J would steal jelly, but after the Last Supper, the pockets of His robe were bulging, and there were no Sweet’n'Low packets to be found anywhere . . . and He didn’t leave a tip nor a tithe!
Mar 5, 2008 at 1:27 am rating: +4
#10 fantasy
Since God made a land flowing with milk and honey
I think Jesus would have made a *beeline*
for the honey and left the jelly alone.
Mar 5, 2008 at 1:44 am rating: +2
#11 Sarah
No, I don’t think Jesus is ready for that jelly.
Mar 5, 2008 at 2:21 am rating: +2
#12 dkfjwoi
putting a few jellies in your to-go box is not stealing.
Mar 5, 2008 at 2:52 am rating: +1
#13 Tyler
Hmm, he wrote, “Yes I would at the bottom.” So that means we can steal the jelly?
Mar 5, 2008 at 3:28 am rating: +2
#14 amy d
And on the third day God said, Let there be jelly! And there was jelly in all its forms: grape, apple, strawberry, preserves and jams and so on. And it was good.
Mar 5, 2008 at 6:25 am rating: +4
#15 MJaz
What is that written on? Some little minature proclamation scroll? It’s obviously official. Now I’m nervous!
*note to self: craigslist a bunch of jelly packets. free - you pick up.
Mar 5, 2008 at 7:25 am rating: 0
#16 john
I REALLY want to know what word is scribbled out in front of JC’s name.
Mar 5, 2008 at 8:10 am rating: 0
#17 pry
hmmm….so fine dining establishments in virginia have taken to scrawling notes to their diners? more importantly, they leave packets of jelly on the table?
btw, more often than not, he uses tangerines.
Mar 5, 2008 at 8:12 am rating: +1
#18 Lurker
Grape jelly is like ultra-concentrated Communion wine.
This is my blood, shed and congealed for you.
Mar 5, 2008 at 8:12 am rating: +3
#19 claw71
Jesus probably wouldn’t steal jelly, but is it really stealing in the eyes of the lord when the jelly is left out for people to use at their discretion?
Mar 5, 2008 at 8:16 am rating: +1
#20 GhostWriter
Ladies and Gentlemen, don’t forget that tonight in the Grand Dining Room, we are presenting, for one night only, the comedic stylings of…
Wooden Jesus and Steel Jelly!
Ask your waitress for tickets- they’re going fast!
Mar 5, 2008 at 8:27 am rating: +1
#21 Voca Popula
“So then God created the world, and the first day he created light, and air, and fish, and jam, and soup, and potatoes, and haircuts, and arguments, and small things, and rabbits, and people with noses, and jam – more jam, perhaps…”
As Eddie Izzard points out, jam was created at least twice on the first day of creation, so I can’t imagine there aren’t enough jelly packets to spare a couple for Jesus.
Mar 5, 2008 at 8:37 am rating: +1
#22 GhostWriter
It’s probably just a note out of Detective Wannaker’s interrogation pad. He’ll track down the culprit all the way to Nazareth if necessary.
Mar 5, 2008 at 8:46 am rating: +1
#23 Canthz_B
This is why your Saviour is cranky!
Mar 5, 2008 at 8:57 am rating: +7
#24 Summer
If Jesus jumped off a bridge would you??? We have to be careful with the whole “wwjd” thing, I mean, jelly, wet naps, and sugar packets are a huge tempation, the console in my car is full of them.
Mar 5, 2008 at 8:59 am rating: +3
#25 claw71
Blessed are the biscuits, for they shall inherit the world.
Thy butter and thy bread, they comfort me. He makes me sit in formica dining rooms. He anoints my biscuit with jelly. Yea, though I walk through the Roanoake Valley, I will fear no white trash for thine is Tudor’s Biscuit World and I will be full of processed white flour and hydrogentated oils forever.
Mar 5, 2008 at 9:07 am rating: +8
#26 Canthz_B
I suppose this means that non-Christians have carte blanche on the jellies. I doubt this would cause much of a guilt trip.
Mar 5, 2008 at 9:10 am rating: +2
#27 john
hmmmm…. i don’t think it’s “please”. but maybe i’m just hoping it’s something that has more bitterness behind it: “would jesus fucking steal jelly?”
Mar 5, 2008 at 9:19 am rating: +1
#28 JPav
I’ll have the spinach and feta omelette, rye toast and a side of philosophy, please.
Mar 5, 2008 at 9:32 am rating: +2
#29 Canthz_B
Jesus: If ye leave it, I will take it. I have a tomb full of napkins, straws, coffee stirrers, ketchups, relishes, salts, peppers, sugar, Equal™ hot sauce and lemon juice packets. Did you really think your jelly would be spared?
Nobody’s perfect…show some of that charity I taught you about before you toss my name around!
Mar 5, 2008 at 9:37 am rating: 0
#30 summer
totally belive the hype! tudor’s is awesome!
Mar 5, 2008 at 9:37 am rating: 0
#31 amy d
Interestingly enough, I saw this on my way to work this morning.
So, I pulled up next to Him, rolled down my window and asked, Pardon me, do you have any grape preserves?
He handed me a bunch of jelly packets, so I’m guessing it’s okay by Him.
Mar 5, 2008 at 9:38 am rating: +5