Myra spotted this note at the fine dining establishment known as Tudor’s Biscuit World in Roanoke, Virginia. (For the record, she says, don’t believe the hype — the biscuits aren’t all that great. But if you’re looking for a place to bear witness…)
related: There you go, bringing Him into it again
187 responses so far ↓
#1
leelou
Okay, #a) that vaseline was fucking delicious…
and #b) references to The Flaming Lips are why I heart the folks at PAN…
or right and #c: I’m addicted to inappropriate ellipses. It’s a problem on which I am working.
Mar 5, 2008 at 12:06 am rating: 11
#2
balconygal
OH! I’ve seen Jesus steal the jelly. It’s only ever happened at breakfast and then there is egg on his face…juss sayin’.
Mar 5, 2008 at 12:08 am rating: 2
#3
Laurie
I had a roommate once leave me a PA note when I forgot to return silverware that I borrowed saying “STEALING IS A SIN!!!!” among other things. So this seems familiar.
Mar 5, 2008 at 12:09 am rating: 1
#4
fantasy
“Well butter my ass and call me a biscuit!”
Mar 5, 2008 at 12:43 am rating: 4
#5
Grimfool_Reluctant
Jesus would say, “Neither do I condiment thee; go and sin no more.”
Mar 5, 2008 at 12:51 am rating: 17
#6
Zsa
Jesus believed in the generosity of others- surely you can giveth of yourself and your grape jelly.
and dont call me Shirley
Mar 5, 2008 at 1:03 am rating: 4
#7
fantasy
If Jesus turned water into wine, while under pressure at a wedding, in front of all the semi-drunk wedding guests. Who by the way at this point were screaming for more booze…..no problem getting jelly at biscuit world!
Mar 5, 2008 at 1:25 am rating: 5
#8
eh
don’t steal jelly, assholes.
(including jesus)
Mar 5, 2008 at 1:26 am rating: 1
#9
Grimfool_Reluctant
I’m not saying J would steal jelly, but after the Last Supper, the pockets of His robe were bulging, and there were no Sweet’n'Low packets to be found anywhere . . . and He didn’t leave a tip nor a tithe!
Mar 5, 2008 at 1:27 am rating: 11
#10
fantasy
Since God made a land flowing with milk and honey
I think Jesus would have made a *beeline*
for the honey and left the jelly alone.
Mar 5, 2008 at 1:44 am rating: 3
#11
Sarah
No, I don’t think Jesus is ready for that jelly.
Mar 5, 2008 at 2:21 am rating: 5
#12
dkfjwoi
putting a few jellies in your to-go box is not stealing.
Mar 5, 2008 at 2:52 am rating: 2
#13
Tyler
Hmm, he wrote, “Yes I would at the bottom.” So that means we can steal the jelly?
Mar 5, 2008 at 3:28 am rating: 4
#14
amy d
And on the third day God said, Let there be jelly! And there was jelly in all its forms: grape, apple, strawberry, preserves and jams and so on. And it was good.
Mar 5, 2008 at 6:25 am rating: 7
#15
MJaz
What is that written on? Some little minature proclamation scroll? It’s obviously official. Now I’m nervous!
*note to self: craigslist a bunch of jelly packets. free – you pick up.
Mar 5, 2008 at 7:25 am rating: 1
#16
john
I REALLY want to know what word is scribbled out in front of JC’s name.
Mar 5, 2008 at 8:10 am rating: 1
#17
pry
hmmm….so fine dining establishments in virginia have taken to scrawling notes to their diners? more importantly, they leave packets of jelly on the table?
btw, more often than not, he uses tangerines.
Mar 5, 2008 at 8:12 am rating: 1
#18
Lurker
Grape jelly is like ultra-concentrated Communion wine.
This is my blood, shed and congealed for you.
Mar 5, 2008 at 8:12 am rating: 4
#19
claw71
Jesus probably wouldn’t steal jelly, but is it really stealing in the eyes of the lord when the jelly is left out for people to use at their discretion?
Mar 5, 2008 at 8:16 am rating: 1
#20
GhostWriter
Ladies and Gentlemen, don’t forget that tonight in the Grand Dining Room, we are presenting, for one night only, the comedic stylings of…
Wooden Jesus and Steel Jelly!
Ask your waitress for tickets- they’re going fast!
Mar 5, 2008 at 8:27 am rating: 1
#21
Voca Popula
“So then God created the world, and the first day he created light, and air, and fish, and jam, and soup, and potatoes, and haircuts, and arguments, and small things, and rabbits, and people with noses, and jam – more jam, perhaps…”
As Eddie Izzard points out, jam was created at least twice on the first day of creation, so I can’t imagine there aren’t enough jelly packets to spare a couple for Jesus.
Mar 5, 2008 at 8:37 am rating: 2
#22
GhostWriter
It’s probably just a note out of Detective Wannaker’s interrogation pad. He’ll track down the culprit all the way to Nazareth if necessary.
Mar 5, 2008 at 8:46 am rating: 1
#23
Canthz_B
This is why your Saviour is cranky!
Mar 5, 2008 at 8:57 am rating: 7
#24
Summer
If Jesus jumped off a bridge would you??? We have to be careful with the whole “wwjd” thing, I mean, jelly, wet naps, and sugar packets are a huge tempation, the console in my car is full of them.
Mar 5, 2008 at 8:59 am rating: 4
#25
claw71
Blessed are the biscuits, for they shall inherit the world.
Thy butter and thy bread, they comfort me. He makes me sit in formica dining rooms. He anoints my biscuit with jelly. Yea, though I walk through the Roanoake Valley, I will fear no white trash for thine is Tudor’s Biscuit World and I will be full of processed white flour and hydrogentated oils forever.
Mar 5, 2008 at 9:07 am rating: 11
#26
Canthz_B
I suppose this means that non-Christians have carte blanche on the jellies. I doubt this would cause much of a guilt trip.
Mar 5, 2008 at 9:10 am rating: 3
#27
john
hmmmm…. i don’t think it’s “please”. but maybe i’m just hoping it’s something that has more bitterness behind it: “would jesus fucking steal jelly?”
Mar 5, 2008 at 9:19 am rating: 1
#28
JPav
I’ll have the spinach and feta omelette, rye toast and a side of philosophy, please.
Mar 5, 2008 at 9:32 am rating: 2
#29
Canthz_B
Jesus: If ye leave it, I will take it. I have a tomb full of napkins, straws, coffee stirrers, ketchups, relishes, salts, peppers, sugar, Equal™ hot sauce and lemon juice packets. Did you really think your jelly would be spared?
Nobody’s perfect…show some of that charity I taught you about before you toss my name around!
Mar 5, 2008 at 9:37 am rating: 1
#30
summer
totally belive the hype! tudor’s is awesome!
Mar 5, 2008 at 9:37 am rating: 0
#31
amy d
Interestingly enough, I saw this on my way to work this morning.
So, I pulled up next to Him, rolled down my window and asked, Pardon me, do you have any grape preserves?
He handed me a bunch of jelly packets, so I’m guessing it’s okay by Him.
Mar 5, 2008 at 9:38 am rating: 7
#32
claw71
I have to tell you, if they’d start putting a little jelly on those Jesus crackers they serve during communion I’d go more often. What the hell is that thing? I’ve chewed on styrofoam peanuts with more flavor.
And really, if that’s supposed to represent Jesus’ body shouldn’t it be more like jerky or a Slim Jim?
Snap into your Savior!
If you’re going to eat your deity he should be tasty.
Mar 5, 2008 at 9:42 am rating: 8
#33
claw71
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gq01UYiMyHg
Maybe Big Butter Jesus took all those jellies.
Mar 5, 2008 at 9:45 am rating: 0
#34
amy d
Would Jesus steal jelly ? Probably not. But me? I am but a lowly sinner. Yea, I was born into this world with sin stained upon my very soul. I stole those jelly packets. The word says that we only have to ask and forgiveness will be granted.
Jesus forgave me, why can’t you?
Mar 5, 2008 at 9:50 am rating: 6
#35
GVI
Why would Jesus have to steal jelly, he would simply make it from butter.
Mar 5, 2008 at 10:30 am rating: 0
#36
Canthz_B
No one stole the jelly. Things just happen to disappear in places called Roanoke!
Mar 5, 2008 at 10:38 am rating: 0
#37
Robot Cartoons
You couldn’t catch Jesus stealing the jelly because he would just turn it into something else, like wine for instance. Which calms everyone down about him stealing things in the first place… said the bible.
Mar 5, 2008 at 10:43 am rating: 0
#38
claw71
Whoever took the jelly must have been white, and since Jesus is involved I’d say they were Jewish too. First they kill Jesus, now they steal his jelly. Somebody call Mel Gibson.
If the culprit had been black, he’d have taken all the hot sauce.
Did anybody check the hot sauce?
Puerto Ricans would have tagged the dumpster.
Mar 5, 2008 at 11:29 am rating: 2
#39
claw71
I’ve read it and it could be better. I forgot to take shots at Mexicans, Koreans, Polacks, and Wops too.
But if Mexicans were involved Jesus might be a guy who works in the kitchen and the note could be directed to HR.
Until Tudor’s start serving deep fried kitten balls Koreans aren’t going to set foot in there and did you hear the one about the Polack who tried to steal jelly?
The Italian angle makes sense. I would’t be surprised if some mafia goon took the jelly as part of a shakedown. You’re gonna hire union biscuit cutters, or the jelly gets it.
Mar 5, 2008 at 11:53 am rating: 1
#40
nix
I think the real question is – would Jesus leave such a retarded note for a jelly thief?
Mar 5, 2008 at 12:16 pm rating: 2
#41
Quite Contrary
After reading through the posts, there is no doubt we are all going to burn in hell. At least we will have jelly. Could someone pick up some sourdough toast on the way?
Mar 5, 2008 at 12:17 pm rating: 2
#42
RandyinReno
Nothing to worry about, if Tudors runs out, Jesus will perform the miracle of the biscuits and jellies to feed the masses.
Mar 5, 2008 at 1:05 pm rating: 1
#43
claw71
To the Tune of Hallelujah:
I heard there was a sacred place
where a redneck goes to stuff his face
but you never really cared for biscuits, do ya?
It’s on the corner of fourth or fifth
It’s Roanoke, I’ll give you a lift
The bicuits served by World of Tudor
World of Tudor
World of Tudor
World of Tudor
World of Tudor
You took the jam and jelly too
so much more than required by you
But you don’t care it bothered Jesus, do ya?
All you left was marmalade
and a little of the mess you made
behind for the cleaning crew at Tudor’s
You stuffed your pockets ’til they were full
I watched you empty the entire bowl
But you don’t care what I think, do ya?
But this is not a Kwiki Mart
I think you broke your Savior’s Heart
By swiping what belonged to Tudor’s
World of Tudor’s
World of Tudor’s
World of Tudor’s
World of Tudor’s
Mar 5, 2008 at 1:06 pm rating: 11
#44
jessica
TUDOR’S: biscuits we can believe in.
mmmmmmmmm
Mar 5, 2008 at 1:34 pm rating: 0
#45
secondsout
Would Jesus steal jelly? Maybe not. But then again, maybe. Depends what Mary Magdalene was into. I bet she was a kinky gal.
Mar 5, 2008 at 2:08 pm rating: 3
#46
Canthz_B
If it’s strawberry jelly perhaps Captain Queeg can find out who took it.
Mar 5, 2008 at 3:12 pm rating: 0
#47
claw71
Isn’t it amazing that we’re still making a big deal out of this Jesus guy a couple thousand years after some hussie from Galilee made up a story to account for getting knocked up?
Mar 5, 2008 at 3:28 pm rating: 3
#48
Set To Evil
Jesus is here! Biscuts and Jelly for everyone!
Mar 5, 2008 at 3:34 pm rating: 0
#49
bamBAM!!
Haven’t Got a Clue, but All We Have Is Now, so whatever is Goin’ On, we should Race for the Prize. It Overtakes Me, that we all are just Waitin’ for a Superman, it’s (Just Like) Starting Over again. Can’t you Feel Yourself Disintegrate? Can’t you hear The Sound of Failure?? So When You Smile, don’t worry about what a Plastic Jesus would do. So, come on Yoshimi, battle those pink robots!!
Mar 5, 2008 at 4:38 pm rating: 0
#50
bamBAM!!
Why wouldn’t He??
Mar 5, 2008 at 4:39 pm rating: 0
#51
Mishee
I heard somewhere that doing unnessacary capitalizations is the sign of a true psychopath…
I’m just sayin’…
p.s. Texas Toast is life.
Mar 5, 2008 at 4:44 pm rating: 0
#52
Mishee
I wonder why the hell everyone always has to bring poor Jesus into things…
I mean, I guess I understand, cause the sign wouldn’t make as much sense if it said “Would Judas steal jelly?” – but you know what I mean!
Mar 5, 2008 at 5:43 pm rating: 2
#53
Set To Evil
They should have written that note on this: http://misspoppy.com/catalog/xcart/customer/product.php?productid=16438
Mar 5, 2008 at 6:39 pm rating: 0
#54
Canthz_B
What I find most bothersome is that these people think that, upon the Second Coming, Jesus would have so much free time on his hands that he could be a suspect in The Great Tudor’s Biscuit World Jelly Caper!
Mar 5, 2008 at 7:52 pm rating: 0
#55
Writer, Rejection
Anyway, Jesus likes jam.
Mar 5, 2008 at 8:43 pm rating: 0
#56
Hellbound Alleee
Jesus stole a horse in da bibble–why wouldn’t the guy steal jam? Probly fig jam.
Mar 5, 2008 at 8:52 pm rating: 0
#57
Lurker
Well, he did hang out with Mary Marmalade.
Mar 5, 2008 at 10:47 pm rating: 0
#58
raiseyourglass
PRAISE THE LORD, and pass the jelly…
Mar 6, 2008 at 12:13 am rating: 0
#59
tlyzer
And on the seventh day, God said, “I’m hungry. Jesus! Go down to Tudors and get me some of their biscuits. And don’t forget the jelly. I like a lot, so steal some if they don’t give you enough.”
Mar 6, 2008 at 8:59 am rating: 0
#60
Lurker
Blessed are the jelly-stealers, for they shall have flavorful biscuits.
Mar 6, 2008 at 2:10 pm rating: 0
#61
Allclick
Wow how did my blog end up here?? Thanks for the name drop!
I can’t say I can say much about Virginia biscuits…but Tudor’s in West Virginia is a taste bud explosion. Well actually, your taste buds just get covered in cheese and potato and umm biscuit. But it’s still pretty good. At least to a hungry Brit!
Mar 6, 2008 at 3:07 pm rating: 0
#62
morpho aurora
if Jesus had just returned from another 40-day wilderness experience he’d probably steal the jelly and any other edibles he could shove in his pockets.
Why does everyone immediately suspect Jesus?
It could have been his cousin John. John was a wild man and had a habit of losing his head. Or maybe it was Jesus’ disciple Matthew. Given my experiences with the IRS, Matthew would be the first person I suspected of taking more than his fair share.
Mar 7, 2008 at 11:24 am rating: 1
#63
ALA
Mar 8, 2008 at 9:22 am rating: 0
#64
phillip
Jesus probably would not be in a buscuit shop/fine dining establishment in the 1st place. But if he was, he would use his wisdom (maybe through a parable) to show the owner that it is more profitable to give some jelly to the needy versus worring about loosing a few packs to is customers.
Mar 10, 2008 at 10:43 am rating: 0
#65
S
Yes, please believe the hype. Tudor’s biscuits must be made with crack, because they are addictive.
As for the sign, enh. When people keep stealing stuff, you have to get strict. They were losing lots of money on small packet items, like jelly and butter, because they kept getting stolen. It’s a small, family-run business (the owners live above the shop, open at 5:30 AM, and make the biscuits from scratch, M-F).
Mar 11, 2008 at 2:39 pm rating: 0
#66
Strepsi
Team Jesus.
Mar 12, 2008 at 12:42 pm rating: 0
#67
Smurfchic
Dude,
a) Tudors is awesome, even if it does clog your arteries
b) gotta love the Flaming Lips
Aug 14, 2008 at 10:59 pm rating: 1
#68 the whore of west babylon | passive-aggressive (and just plain aggressive) notes
[...] no, He uses vaseline extra credit: “hey, look our toll plaza over” [...]
Aug 23, 2008 at 1:37 pm rating: 0
#69
Xopher.tm
He wouldn’t steal jelly, but he’d feed an entire army on just one biscuit and a pat of butter.
Aug 25, 2008 at 1:28 am rating: 1
#70 what would jesus do for a klondike bar?
[...] related: no, He uses vaseline [...]
Apr 7, 2009 at 1:09 am rating: 0
#71
alicecake
love the flaming lips reference – hurray! x
Jun 14, 2009 at 3:01 pm rating: 0
#72 and jesus said “oh, snap!”
[...] related: no, He uses vaseline [...]
Sep 7, 2009 at 6:37 pm rating: 0
#73 Does your roommate have note-writing diarrhea? | PassiveAggressiveNotes.com
[...] the Vaseline was intended to help the the note-writing roommate metaphorically remove the stick up her [...]
Jul 26, 2010 at 10:03 pm rating: 0
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