No, He uses Vaseline

March 4th, 2008 · 187 comments

Myra spotted this note at the fine dining establishment known as Tudor’s Biscuit World in Roanoke, Virginia. (For the record, she says, don’t believe the hype — the biscuits aren’t all that great. But if you’re looking for a place to bear witness…)

Would Jesus steal jelly?

related: There you go, bringing Him into it again

FILED UNDER: guilt trip · Jesus · restaurant · stealing · Virginia


187 responses so far ↓

  • #1   leelou

    Okay, #a) that vaseline was fucking delicious…

    and #b) references to The Flaming Lips are why I heart the folks at PAN…

    or right and #c: I’m addicted to inappropriate ellipses. It’s a problem on which I am working.

    Mar 5, 2008 at 12:06 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

     
  • #2   balconygal

    OH! I’ve seen Jesus steal the jelly. It’s only ever happened at breakfast and then there is egg on his face…juss sayin’.

    Mar 5, 2008 at 12:08 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #3   Laurie

    I had a roommate once leave me a PA note when I forgot to return silverware that I borrowed saying “STEALING IS A SIN!!!!” among other things. So this seems familiar.

    Mar 5, 2008 at 12:09 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #4   fantasy bang

    “Well butter my ass and call me a biscuit!”

    Mar 5, 2008 at 12:43 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #5   Grimfool_Reluctant bang

    Jesus would say, “Neither do I condiment thee; go and sin no more.”

    Mar 5, 2008 at 12:51 am   rating: 17  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   fantasy bang

      He may have said;
      “You shall be toast, slowly burnt TOAST!”

      Mar 5, 2008 at 1:03 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.2   fantasy bang

      “Bless me Father for I have sinned, it has been way too long since my last confession.”

      Mar 5, 2008 at 1:04 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #6   Zsa bang

    Jesus believed in the generosity of others- surely you can giveth of yourself and your grape jelly.

    and dont call me Shirley

    Mar 5, 2008 at 1:03 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   Mishee bang

      Zsa! Haven’t seen you around…

      just had to give props for the Airplane! reference – that’s why I loves ya!

      and I don’t think Jesus would steal jelly, he’s more of a perserves kinda guy…

      Mar 5, 2008 at 10:06 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #7   fantasy bang

    If Jesus turned water into wine, while under pressure at a wedding, in front of all the semi-drunk wedding guests. Who by the way at this point were screaming for more booze…..no problem getting jelly at biscuit world!

    Mar 5, 2008 at 1:25 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #8   eh

    don’t steal jelly, assholes.

    (including jesus)

    Mar 5, 2008 at 1:26 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   fantasy bang

      Did you include JESUS in that name calling? 8O

      Oh My, Blasphemy! 8O

      Mar 5, 2008 at 1:31 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.2   Michelle B

      I blame the jelly–if it wasn’t so delicious nobody would be tempted to eat it, less than to steal it.

      Mar 5, 2008 at 5:10 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #9   Grimfool_Reluctant bang

    I’m not saying J would steal jelly, but after the Last Supper, the pockets of His robe were bulging, and there were no Sweet’n'Low packets to be found anywhere . . . and He didn’t leave a tip nor a tithe!

    Mar 5, 2008 at 1:27 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

    • #9.1   fantasy bang

      “For all that is Holy, this will be the last time I’ll be servin’ you any supper.” :|

      Mar 5, 2008 at 2:05 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #10   fantasy bang

    Since God made a land flowing with milk and honey

    I think Jesus would have made a *beeline*

    for the honey and left the jelly alone.

    Mar 5, 2008 at 1:44 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #11   Sarah bang

    No, I don’t think Jesus is ready for that jelly.

    Mar 5, 2008 at 2:21 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #12   dkfjwoi

    putting a few jellies in your to-go box is not stealing.

    Mar 5, 2008 at 2:52 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #13   Tyler bang

    Hmm, he wrote, “Yes I would at the bottom.” So that means we can steal the jelly?

    Mar 5, 2008 at 3:28 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #14   amy d bang

    And on the third day God said, Let there be jelly! And there was jelly in all its forms: grape, apple, strawberry, preserves and jams and so on. And it was good.

    Mar 5, 2008 at 6:25 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

     
  • #15   MJaz

    What is that written on? Some little minature proclamation scroll? It’s obviously official. Now I’m nervous!

    *note to self: craigslist a bunch of jelly packets. free – you pick up.

    Mar 5, 2008 at 7:25 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #15.1   amy d bang

      As per Park Rose, that is the infamous Dead Jellyroll Scroll.

      Mar 5, 2008 at 9:51 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #16   john

    I REALLY want to know what word is scribbled out in front of JC’s name.

    Mar 5, 2008 at 8:10 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #16.1   GhostWriter bang

      I’m guessing a prankster added “please” to the original note. Then it was scribbled out.

      Mar 5, 2008 at 8:19 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.2   Canthz_B bang

      Agreed. Looks like ‘Please’.

      Mar 5, 2008 at 9:00 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.3   MJaz

      It looks like it ends in “er”.

      Would Jesus ever steal jelly?

      Would Jesus our father ever steal jelly?

      Would Jesus the Savier… (no wait – that don’t look right… just cross it out…)

      Mar 5, 2008 at 9:29 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.4   sfkfjdkl

      The letters “WWJD” are scribbled out on the note. Instead of a simple WWJD?, the author decided to elaborate on the rhetorical question.

      Mar 5, 2008 at 10:39 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.5   Heidi

      I think it says “yes I would” hahahahahaha Jesus also has a sense of humor!

      Mar 5, 2008 at 3:28 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #17   pry

    hmmm….so fine dining establishments in virginia have taken to scrawling notes to their diners? more importantly, they leave packets of jelly on the table?

    btw, more often than not, he uses tangerines.

    Mar 5, 2008 at 8:12 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #17.1   meg

      1) this is a fast food breakfast style restaurant.

      b) it looks like to me that the note is for fellow co-workers.

      Mar 5, 2008 at 11:02 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #17.2   Bailie

      1) Yay Roanoke! And Yay Tudors, do believe the hype, their biscuits are pretty awesome.

      2) They charge like 10cents a pack for their jelly/jams/honey packets. But they are at the end of the counter away from the register so know that you want jelly/jam/honey before you pay otherwise you’ll have to go back to pay for them after you get your biscuit.

      To Sum Up: Biscuits = awesome, paying for jelly = not.

      Mar 5, 2008 at 12:53 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #17.3   pry

      i personally like to ask for the condiment immediately after the cashier opens the drawer. they are less likely to charge for it, since they don’t want to erase and re-ring me up for a measly 10 cents. i’m evil.

      Mar 5, 2008 at 8:34 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #17.4   Erin

      YAY! I’m from Roanoke, too! I’m so happy that the Star City is P.A. enough for this website! YAAAY!

      Aug 1, 2008 at 9:37 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #18   Lurker

    Grape jelly is like ultra-concentrated Communion wine.

    This is my blood, shed and congealed for you.

    Mar 5, 2008 at 8:12 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #18.1   claw71 bang

      Jesus said: This is my body, eat me.

      Mar 5, 2008 at 8:43 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.2   Wade bang

      Sadly, the second phase of Cardinal Glick’s “Catholicism WOW” campaign, biscuits and grape jelly communion, was never implemented.

      Mar 5, 2008 at 1:50 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.3   Mishee bang

      well, who wouldn’t want to hang out with Buddy Christ and eat bread and drink wine and be groovy? (another Eddie quote… I just love that man’s take on Jesus!)

      Mar 5, 2008 at 1:56 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #19   claw71 bang

    Jesus probably wouldn’t steal jelly, but is it really stealing in the eyes of the lord when the jelly is left out for people to use at their discretion?

    Mar 5, 2008 at 8:16 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #20   GhostWriter bang

    Ladies and Gentlemen, don’t forget that tonight in the Grand Dining Room, we are presenting, for one night only, the comedic stylings of…
    Wooden Jesus and Steel Jelly!

    Ask your waitress for tickets- they’re going fast!

    Mar 5, 2008 at 8:27 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #21   Voca Popula

    “So then God created the world, and the first day he created light, and air, and fish, and jam, and soup, and potatoes, and haircuts, and arguments, and small things, and rabbits, and people with noses, and jam – more jam, perhaps…”

    As Eddie Izzard points out, jam was created at least twice on the first day of creation, so I can’t imagine there aren’t enough jelly packets to spare a couple for Jesus.

    Mar 5, 2008 at 8:37 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #21.1   Mishee bang

      wow voca, read my mind when I first read this post. Eddie does have this affinity for jam doesn’t he? Maybe he is Jesus – an executive transvestite Jesus…

      Mar 5, 2008 at 10:09 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.2   Voca Popula

      God-as-James-Mason always cracks me up, too.

      Mar 5, 2008 at 1:00 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.3   Mishee bang

      I swear I have “Pavlov’s Cat” – just ask Wade about my little Crack Kitty who Rules the Roost… and Mr. Mishee lets her too! Pisses me off to no end, but I can imagine her clapping her paw on the bell so it makes a thunk noise… little brat.

      Mar 5, 2008 at 1:10 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #22   GhostWriter bang

    It’s probably just a note out of Detective Wannaker’s interrogation pad. He’ll track down the culprit all the way to Nazareth if necessary.

    Mar 5, 2008 at 8:46 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #22.1   bellabeastie

      And with the help of Officer Krupke he can track those stolen jellies all the way to NYC !!

      Mar 5, 2008 at 9:35 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #23   Canthz_B bang

    This is why your Saviour is cranky!

    Mar 5, 2008 at 8:57 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

     
  • #24   Summer

    If Jesus jumped off a bridge would you??? We have to be careful with the whole “wwjd” thing, I mean, jelly, wet naps, and sugar packets are a huge tempation, the console in my car is full of them.

    Mar 5, 2008 at 8:59 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #24.1   park rose bang

      :)

      Mar 5, 2008 at 9:04 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.2   Lurker

      I think I need a t-shirt that says WWJD on one side and “If Jesus jumped off a bridge, would you?” on the other.

      Mar 5, 2008 at 10:19 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.3   secondsout bang

      Or better yet, Jesus allowed guys to nail him to a crucifix. Would you do the same? Me, I think I’d rather jump off the bridge. Let the masochists have the crucifixion.

      Mar 5, 2008 at 2:01 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #25   claw71 bang

    Blessed are the biscuits, for they shall inherit the world.

    Thy butter and thy bread, they comfort me. He makes me sit in formica dining rooms. He anoints my biscuit with jelly. Yea, though I walk through the Roanoake Valley, I will fear no white trash for thine is Tudor’s Biscuit World and I will be full of processed white flour and hydrogentated oils forever.

    Mar 5, 2008 at 9:07 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

     
  • #26   Canthz_B bang

    I suppose this means that non-Christians have carte blanche on the jellies. I doubt this would cause much of a guilt trip.

    Mar 5, 2008 at 9:10 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #26.1   kelmeister

      We atheists actually by-pass spreading the jelly on toast and just lick it out of the rectangular packets. If you’re particularly damned, you’re able to empty it in one fell swoop.

      Mar 5, 2008 at 9:40 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #26.2   Lorelie

      I don’t think non-Christians are allowed in Roanoke, Virginia.

      Jesus would ride them out of town on a rail.

      Mar 5, 2008 at 10:24 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #26.3   Canthz_B bang

      #26.1, Don’t you mean particularly gifted? :-P

      Mar 5, 2008 at 3:22 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #26.4   karin

      Haha, Lorelie. I agree – especially the rail part.

      Mar 9, 2008 at 10:41 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #27   john

    hmmmm…. i don’t think it’s “please”. but maybe i’m just hoping it’s something that has more bitterness behind it: “would jesus fucking steal jelly?”

    Mar 5, 2008 at 9:19 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #28   JPav

    I’ll have the spinach and feta omelette, rye toast and a side of philosophy, please.

    Mar 5, 2008 at 9:32 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #28.1   bellabeastie

      Sorry, out of philosophy this morning, would you like some jelly with that ? Oh, wait. Oops, sorry, Jesus stole it. Can I offer you some apple butter instead? :)

      Mar 5, 2008 at 9:38 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #28.2   secondsout bang

      Or instead of apple butter, let’s go with some good old-fashioned Catholic guilt!

      Mar 5, 2008 at 2:03 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #28.3   bellabeastie

      Aah, nothing goes with a spinach and feta omlette like a heapin’ helpin’ of good ole Catholic Guilt.

      Team Can I Get That To Go?

      Mar 5, 2008 at 10:17 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #29   Canthz_B bang

    Jesus: If ye leave it, I will take it. I have a tomb full of napkins, straws, coffee stirrers, ketchups, relishes, salts, peppers, sugar, Equal™ hot sauce and lemon juice packets. Did you really think your jelly would be spared?
    Nobody’s perfect…show some of that charity I taught you about before you toss my name around!

    Mar 5, 2008 at 9:37 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #30   summer

    totally belive the hype! tudor’s is awesome!

    Mar 5, 2008 at 9:37 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #31   amy d bang

    Interestingly enough, I saw this on my way to work this morning.

    So, I pulled up next to Him, rolled down my window and asked, Pardon me, do you have any grape preserves?

    He handed me a bunch of jelly packets, so I’m guessing it’s okay by Him.

    Mar 5, 2008 at 9:38 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #31.1   amy d bang

      By the way, sorry about the quality of the picture, but I took it with my camera phone. And yes, it really was this morning.

      I think it’s a sign.

      Mar 5, 2008 at 9:43 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #31.2   Canthz_B bang

      Would Jesus drive an Infinity or a humble Geo?

      Mar 5, 2008 at 10:17 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #31.3   john

      oooohhhhh, so the “D” in “WWJD” stand for “Drive”!

      i’m not saying that wasn’t JC himself driving the car but if it wasn’t, that’s kind of a ballsy move.

      Mar 5, 2008 at 10:20 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #31.4   RALPHY

      31.1–The only sign that represents is Jesus has a faster car than you, but wait–I think he’s stopping up ahead for some delicious bisquits and jelly. I think you’ll pass him after all.

      Mar 5, 2008 at 10:41 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #31.5   amy d bang

      Obviously not faster than mine as I was able to take the picture and then pull up alongside Him and pose the question, as mentioned in #31.

      Mar 5, 2008 at 2:15 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #31.6   Mishee bang

      ralphy, you seem to make alot of assumptions – how do you know that amy doesn’t drive a lamborghini??

      didn’t you shoot your eye out kid?

      Mar 5, 2008 at 2:20 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #31.7   RALPHY

      Not really–Your going on the assumption amy drives a lamborghini. Lets hear from Amy-Do you drive a lambda? If so , I stand corrected.

      Mar 6, 2008 at 6:48 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #31.8   amy d bang

      Ralphie, not that it matters, but no, I do not have a Lamborghini.

      I would have left this alone, but since you invited me, here is more for you to ponder:

      I disagree with you that Mishee was assuming I drove a Lamborghini. She only posited that I might. See 31.6

      Your misinterpretation of her comment only serves to further my comment in 31.5. To break it down, I find your replies to other people’s comments are random, sometimes rude and have little or nothing to do with what that person actually said. I offer for example, the original 31, which clearly states I pulled up next to the car. Your response at 31.4 suggested I could only pass him he if he stopped.

      See?

      No?

      Okay, example # 2, from the Blue Mountain thread: At 11.5, Anglophile said her mother did not need 3 nightgowns. You came back at 11.7 stating her mother may need 3 nightgowns so that she could shit on one of them. Totally random and rude.

      This is only my opinion.

      Mar 6, 2008 at 9:12 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #31.9   Mishee bang

      Opinions are like assholes amy…

      Lots of stuff on this site is like assholes though…

      P.S. SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT

      Mar 6, 2008 at 10:23 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #31.10   Canthz_B bang

      The only assumption I see here is RALPHY assuming that Jesus drives too fast. Nothing in the original post points to or suggests excessive speed was a factor in the encounter.

      Mar 6, 2008 at 10:42 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #32   claw71 bang

    I have to tell you, if they’d start putting a little jelly on those Jesus crackers they serve during communion I’d go more often. What the hell is that thing? I’ve chewed on styrofoam peanuts with more flavor.

    And really, if that’s supposed to represent Jesus’ body shouldn’t it be more like jerky or a Slim Jim?

    Snap into your Savior!

    If you’re going to eat your deity he should be tasty.

    Mar 5, 2008 at 9:42 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #32.1   Mishee bang

      “Jesus Crackers”?

      are the crackers at your church Jesus shaped?

      wow, it’s like the old lady who found the Jesus shaped potato chip, but in this case EVERYONE gets to see the Lord in their food on Sundays! wonderful, where can I sign up??

      Mar 5, 2008 at 10:56 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #32.2   claw71 bang

      No. Are Girl Scout cookies shaped like Girl Scouts…other than the Samoas, that is?

      Mar 5, 2008 at 11:21 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #32.3   ALA bang

      I think they should switch from the communion wafers to the Necco Wafers.
      Communion wafers: small, round, flat, cardboard-tasting
      Necco Wafers: small, round, flat, and they come in chocolate

      I’d prefer that my once-every-seventeen-years dose of the body of Christ be chocolate.

      Mar 5, 2008 at 11:29 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #32.4   mamason bang

      Why? Do you only take Comunnion when the cicadas come out? :-?

      Mar 5, 2008 at 12:19 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #32.5   secondsout bang

      MST3K once made a joke about ranch-flavored hosts. Maybe the person next to the communion bearer could have a bowl of onion dip or guacamole.

      Mar 5, 2008 at 2:05 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #32.6   GhostWriter bang

      Start your day off with a bellyfull of sacrament -

      Host Toasties!

      Mar 6, 2008 at 9:51 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #32.7   Summer

      mmmmmm…soy crisps, church with penance and flatulance!

      Mar 6, 2008 at 11:41 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #33   claw71 bang

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gq01UYiMyHg

    Maybe Big Butter Jesus took all those jellies.

    Mar 5, 2008 at 9:45 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #33.1   raiseyourglass

      too funny!

      Mar 6, 2008 at 12:11 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #34   amy d bang

    Would Jesus steal jelly ? Probably not. But me? I am but a lowly sinner. Yea, I was born into this world with sin stained upon my very soul. I stole those jelly packets. The word says that we only have to ask and forgiveness will be granted.

    Jesus forgave me, why can’t you?

    Mar 5, 2008 at 9:50 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #34.1   Lurker

      The stain of sin is on my soul, and the stain of grape jelly upon my tie.

      Mar 5, 2008 at 10:21 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #35   GVI bang

    Why would Jesus have to steal jelly, he would simply make it from butter.

    Mar 5, 2008 at 10:30 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #36   Canthz_B bang

    No one stole the jelly. Things just happen to disappear in places called Roanoke!

    Mar 5, 2008 at 10:38 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #36.1   claw71 bang

      Not Jelly. When the ships returned to Roanoke Island the Jelly there…the people were not.

      Mar 5, 2008 at 11:24 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #37   Robot Cartoons

    You couldn’t catch Jesus stealing the jelly because he would just turn it into something else, like wine for instance. Which calms everyone down about him stealing things in the first place… said the bible.

    Mar 5, 2008 at 10:43 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #38   claw71 bang

    Whoever took the jelly must have been white, and since Jesus is involved I’d say they were Jewish too. First they kill Jesus, now they steal his jelly. Somebody call Mel Gibson.

    If the culprit had been black, he’d have taken all the hot sauce.

    Did anybody check the hot sauce?

    Puerto Ricans would have tagged the dumpster.

    Mar 5, 2008 at 11:29 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #38.1   Nate

      That’s really not funny, dude.

      Mar 5, 2008 at 11:34 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #38.2   ALA bang

      Feel the sarcasm, Nate…and if you offend easily, this is soooooo not the site for you.

      Mar 5, 2008 at 11:45 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #38.3   Karen bang

      It is funny, dude.

      So Jesus (the Savior) wouldn’t steal the jelly.
      But it’s possible Jesus (the dishwasher) would.

      Mar 5, 2008 at 11:49 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #38.4   Mishee bang

      Don’t forget the Asians… they are still over at the table working out the bill in their heads…

      Karen, you got a LOL from me with the Jesus/”Hey Zeus” play… maybe it’s because I’m from the Bay Area, maybe it’s the image of John Tuturro with a bowling ball yelling “My name is not JESUS!!”

      and the Dude reference from Nate just ties the whole room together…

      Mar 5, 2008 at 11:57 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #38.5   Rumblefish

      I just spoke to Jesus, he’s a good friend. He said (translated since Jesus is Spanish):

      “I didn’t take your damn jelly!”

      Mar 5, 2008 at 12:05 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #38.6   Mishee bang

      I was under the impression that Jesus was a pale white man with light brown hair and eyes… cause you know, over there in Jerusalem they all look like that…

      It makes sense.

      Mar 5, 2008 at 12:12 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #38.7   Canthz_B bang

      Yes, claw…I took care of the hot sauce.
      Did you get the mayo? ;-)

      Mar 5, 2008 at 3:05 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #39   claw71 bang

    I’ve read it and it could be better. I forgot to take shots at Mexicans, Koreans, Polacks, and Wops too.

    But if Mexicans were involved Jesus might be a guy who works in the kitchen and the note could be directed to HR.

    Until Tudor’s start serving deep fried kitten balls Koreans aren’t going to set foot in there and did you hear the one about the Polack who tried to steal jelly?

    The Italian angle makes sense. I would’t be surprised if some mafia goon took the jelly as part of a shakedown. You’re gonna hire union biscuit cutters, or the jelly gets it.

    Mar 5, 2008 at 11:53 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #39.1   Porter

      I’ve eaten at Tudor’s… WITH A KOREAN!

      WHERE’S YOUR GOD NOW???

      The biscuits were delicious, by the way.

      Mar 21, 2008 at 4:58 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #40   nix

    I think the real question is – would Jesus leave such a retarded note for a jelly thief?

    Mar 5, 2008 at 12:16 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #41   Quite Contrary

    After reading through the posts, there is no doubt we are all going to burn in hell. At least we will have jelly. Could someone pick up some sourdough toast on the way?

    Mar 5, 2008 at 12:17 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #41.1   Mishee bang

      anglo and I have already decided we will carpool in a handbasket. you are welcome to join us contrary… I promised to make my “special brownies” (Alice B. Tokus brownies to you old hippies) for the ride… but be sure to bring a fan, I hear it’s hot down there – the Deep South if you will….

      Mar 5, 2008 at 12:28 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #41.2   anglophile bang

      I’m going to knock over a liquor store before we go, too, so we can have some decent booze for the trip as well.

      Mar 5, 2008 at 12:39 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #41.3   Mishee bang

      I’ll grab the sourdough toast… I’m 45 min south of San Francisco and we all know where the best sourdough is from!!

      Mar 5, 2008 at 12:56 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #41.4   Quite Contrary

      Toast. Jelly. Brownies. And liquor. And they call it hell?

      Mar 5, 2008 at 1:10 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #41.5   Canthz_B bang

      Why do I always get stuck bringing the plastic cups? I’d better make those ceramic mugs this time though what with all of the fire and brimstone about.

      Mar 5, 2008 at 3:03 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #41.6   Mishee bang

      I’m thinking chalices… just to rock the boat (you know how much I love to do that!)

      now, I hope there isn’t going to be any snakes in this handbasket, cause CB gets all rowdy when he has to travel with snakes (other than his own)

      Mar 5, 2008 at 3:08 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #41.7   Canthz_B bang

      OK, jewel encrusted golden chalices it will be.

      I ‘m ok with snakes, except on a plane M-F!! :-P

      Mar 5, 2008 at 3:37 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #41.8   Quite Contrary

      I think we need to find out who wrote “Yes I would” on the sign (before some uptight person scratched it out). I think they would be an excellent addition to our carpool to hell. And they, in fact, may have the jelly.

      Mar 5, 2008 at 4:24 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #41.9   Mishee bang

      I don’t know about that, if this person thinks they are Jesus, they just might not be welcome down there with the rest of us sinners!

      Mar 5, 2008 at 4:29 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #41.10   ALA bang

      People! I am so appalled. Do you not remember that I have the Hell Waldorf Astoria booked for us? The folks at hotels.com give it 5 stars, and our handbaskets will drop us of directly at its door!! The hotel has a wonderful lava-front view and the delicate aroma of brimstone floats gently on the breeze. The lost souls (those who failed to book their hotel stay) bring you rum punch as you bask in the glow from the fires of Hell. Apparently Hell really is quite lovely at this, and any other, time of year.

      Mar 7, 2008 at 10:42 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #42   RandyinReno

    Nothing to worry about, if Tudors runs out, Jesus will perform the miracle of the biscuits and jellies to feed the masses.

    Mar 5, 2008 at 1:05 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #43   claw71 bang

    To the Tune of Hallelujah:

    I heard there was a sacred place
    where a redneck goes to stuff his face
    but you never really cared for biscuits, do ya?

    It’s on the corner of fourth or fifth
    It’s Roanoke, I’ll give you a lift
    The bicuits served by World of Tudor

    World of Tudor
    World of Tudor
    World of Tudor
    World of Tudor

    You took the jam and jelly too
    so much more than required by you
    But you don’t care it bothered Jesus, do ya?
    All you left was marmalade
    and a little of the mess you made
    behind for the cleaning crew at Tudor’s

    You stuffed your pockets ’til they were full
    I watched you empty the entire bowl
    But you don’t care what I think, do ya?
    But this is not a Kwiki Mart
    I think you broke your Savior’s Heart
    By swiping what belonged to Tudor’s

    World of Tudor’s
    World of Tudor’s
    World of Tudor’s
    World of Tudor’s

    Mar 5, 2008 at 1:06 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

    • #43.1   anglophile bang

      Leonard Cohen FTW! 8O

      Mar 5, 2008 at 1:18 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #43.2   Dave

      Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.

      Mar 5, 2008 at 2:00 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #43.3   Lurker

      *weeps*

      Mar 5, 2008 at 2:35 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #43.4   Nate

      OK, that was funny.

      Mar 5, 2008 at 2:45 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #44   jessica

    TUDOR’S: biscuits we can believe in.
    mmmmmmmmm

    Mar 5, 2008 at 1:34 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #45   secondsout bang

    Would Jesus steal jelly? Maybe not. But then again, maybe. Depends what Mary Magdalene was into. I bet she was a kinky gal.

    Mar 5, 2008 at 2:08 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #46   Canthz_B bang

    If it’s strawberry jelly perhaps Captain Queeg can find out who took it.

    Mar 5, 2008 at 3:12 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #47   claw71 bang

    Isn’t it amazing that we’re still making a big deal out of this Jesus guy a couple thousand years after some hussie from Galilee made up a story to account for getting knocked up?

    Mar 5, 2008 at 3:28 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #47.1   Canthz_B bang

      Gotta give credit where credit is due. “An angel from above” is so much more creative than “A passing shepherd”, don’t you think?

      Mar 5, 2008 at 3:58 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #47.2   claw71 bang

      Couldn’t she blame it on a toilet seat or something? Girlfriend just went out and threw down the right bower on that one. God did it . How do you prove her wrong?

      Granted, it’s not exactly original. You had Greek sluts claiming they were raped by gods all the time. Of course it was believeable because we all know those Greeks will fuck anything, so their gods probably got around too.

      Notice how all the STDs have Greek names?

      Mar 5, 2008 at 4:11 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #47.3   Mishee bang

      we won’t even get into why it’s called “Doing it Greek Style” – and if you don’t know what that is, then you don’t need to know!!

      Mar 5, 2008 at 4:20 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #47.4   Karen bang

      Come on, we know that old Christian gospel classic…”Go do it on the mountain…” bareback, that is.

      Oh, I AM going to hell ! :-?

      Mar 5, 2008 at 4:45 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #47.5   Nate

      I’d have to say you are all going to hell. Why don’t some people know when to stop at that line.

      Mar 5, 2008 at 4:54 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #47.6   Mishee bang

      I think anyone who visits this site and actually stays (as opposed to getting TOTALLY offended and runs away covering their eyes and ears) is pretty much on their way to hell…

      All I gotta say is that our handbasket is full, catch the next one!! We don’t have enough liquor, brownies, and sourdough bread (with ill-gotten jelly to put it on it) to go around if we let anyone else join us!!

      8)

      Mar 5, 2008 at 4:55 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #47.7   Quite Contrary

      Mishee: Nate needs some of your brownies. Stat.

      Mar 5, 2008 at 4:56 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #47.8   amy d bang

      Dr. Feelgood, please report to the ER. Dr. Feelgood, report to the ER. *clunk*

      Mar 5, 2008 at 5:05 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #47.9   Mishee bang

      I guess Nate is a newcomer, he doesn’t realize there ARE NO LINES here on PAN..

      And if you are a person who draws lines, then go to an art site, this isn’t for you!!

      Mar 5, 2008 at 5:09 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #47.10   Canthz_B bang

      Some people are truly pious. They like to watch others “sin” just so they can chastise them…’Judge not lest ye be judged’ never enters their minds.
      All they think about is how much better they must somehow be.
      Stop at your own line and allow others to draw their own lines I say.

      Mar 5, 2008 at 5:18 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #47.11   Mishee bang

      throws stone at CB

      oh shit, I guess I shouldn’t have done that, huh?

      Mar 5, 2008 at 5:19 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #47.12   Nate

      I’m new to the comments but I’ve been visiting for a while. I finally drop in to see what this zone is all about and Claw hits me with both barrels.

      I’m not really offended by his posts but by the childish way he tries to draw attnetion to himself. Of course a lot of people indulge him and that’s troubling.

      Mar 5, 2008 at 5:21 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #47.13   Canthz_B bang

      *whispers softly…everyone who posts a comment is looking for some degree of attention.* ;-)

      Mar 5, 2008 at 5:46 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #47.14   anglophile bang

      Not me. I hate it when people respond to, vote on, or even read my comments. In fact, what do you think you’re doing? You’re reading this, aren’t you? Stop it! This is PRIVATE! Get out, get out!

      Mar 5, 2008 at 5:48 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #47.15   bellabeastie

      Would be nice if Nate could spell “attention”.

      Thanks, Claw for “hitting with both barrels”..

      Wow. We knew you could do it. Now what about the Howitzer? Ready?

      Team Bring It On

      Mar 5, 2008 at 11:22 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #47.16   bellabeastie

      And – please for Jesus’ sake try not to be childish and self-indulgent. I hate when that happens.

      Please return the jelly A.S.A.P. There’s nothing to put on top of the P.B. We know it was you.

      Mar 6, 2008 at 12:13 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #48   Set To Evil

    Jesus is here! Biscuts and Jelly for everyone!

    Mar 5, 2008 at 3:34 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #49   bamBAM!! bang

    Haven’t Got a Clue, but All We Have Is Now, so whatever is Goin’ On, we should Race for the Prize. It Overtakes Me, that we all are just Waitin’ for a Superman, it’s (Just Like) Starting Over again. Can’t you Feel Yourself Disintegrate? Can’t you hear The Sound of Failure?? So When You Smile, don’t worry about what a Plastic Jesus would do. So, come on Yoshimi, battle those pink robots!!

    Mar 5, 2008 at 4:38 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #49.1   anglophile bang

      And with this comment, bamBAM!! declares he is At War With The Mystics.

      Mar 5, 2008 at 5:37 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #50   bamBAM!! bang

    Why wouldn’t He??

    Mar 5, 2008 at 4:39 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #51   Mishee bang

    I heard somewhere that doing unnessacary capitalizations is the sign of a true psychopath…

    I’m just sayin’…

    p.s. Texas Toast is life.

    Mar 5, 2008 at 4:44 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #51.1   bamBAM!! bang

      was that a slam?? burn?? oR A dIs??

      Mar 5, 2008 at 6:56 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #51.2   bamBAM!! bang

      okay, not only is That a Slam of mY nAmE, iT’s A sLAm of mY post, JoKE, and LifEsTYle1111111111

      1=lowercase !

      Mar 6, 2008 at 8:11 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #52   Mishee bang

    I wonder why the hell everyone always has to bring poor Jesus into things…

    I mean, I guess I understand, cause the sign wouldn’t make as much sense if it said “Would Judas steal jelly?” – but you know what I mean!

    Mar 5, 2008 at 5:43 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #52.1   Suhayla

      What if it said Would your mom steal jelly?

      Mar 5, 2008 at 7:54 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #52.2   anglophile bang

      I would say: Hell, yeah, she would! But only if it’s the good stuff, you know, the kind that comes in those little jars. The little plastic trays of mixed fruit jelly aren’t worth taking home. At least that’s the way she raised me.

      Mar 5, 2008 at 8:07 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #52.3   Canthz_B bang

      That would just get you a simple “Yes“! No one worships my mom but us young-uns. ;-)

      Mar 5, 2008 at 8:09 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #52.4   bamBAM!! bang

      I think it should say, “Please return my God damn jelly!!!”

      Mar 5, 2008 at 11:24 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #52.5   sprucemoose

      Oh, God! (no pun intended)
      Anglophile just reminded me of the image of my mother-in-law opening all the ketchup packages and squeezing them into the bottle at home. Do you think she’d have done that with the mixed fruit jelly?

      Apr 16, 2008 at 8:09 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #53   Set To Evil

    They should have written that note on this: http://misspoppy.com/catalog/xcart/customer/product.php?productid=16438

    Mar 5, 2008 at 6:39 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #53.1   Canthz_B bang

      Would I be out of line if I said, “Oh, my Lord!”? :roll:

      Mar 5, 2008 at 7:13 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #54   Canthz_B bang

    What I find most bothersome is that these people think that, upon the Second Coming, Jesus would have so much free time on his hands that he could be a suspect in The Great Tudor’s Biscuit World Jelly Caper!

    Mar 5, 2008 at 7:52 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #54.1   Set To Evil

      If Jesus could turn water into wine, what would he make jelly from?

      Mar 5, 2008 at 8:26 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #54.2   Troy McClure bang

      Margarine.

      Mar 5, 2008 at 8:29 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #54.3   Writer, Rejection

      Seedless raspberries.

      Mar 5, 2008 at 8:42 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #54.4   Canthz_B bang

      Heavy water.

      Mar 5, 2008 at 8:50 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #54.5   Troy McClure bang

      CB, I’d've thought that He would turn heavy water into a stronger wine, with a high delirium content.

      Mar 5, 2008 at 8:55 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #54.6   Canthz_B bang

      PASHY, Troy! :lol:

      Mar 5, 2008 at 8:59 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #55   Writer, Rejection

    Anyway, Jesus likes jam.

    Mar 5, 2008 at 8:43 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #56   Hellbound Alleee

    Jesus stole a horse in da bibble–why wouldn’t the guy steal jam? Probly fig jam.

    Mar 5, 2008 at 8:52 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #57   Lurker

    Well, he did hang out with Mary Marmalade.

    Mar 5, 2008 at 10:47 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #57.1   bellabeastie

      I believe that was Lady Marmalade… and she had it goin’ on… hooyeah….

      Mar 5, 2008 at 11:29 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #57.2   bellabeastie

      This seems like an invitation to a song parody.

      Any takers? Rock on — :0)

      Mar 5, 2008 at 11:31 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #58   raiseyourglass

    PRAISE THE LORD, and pass the jelly…

    Mar 6, 2008 at 12:13 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #59   tlyzer bang

    And on the seventh day, God said, “I’m hungry. Jesus! Go down to Tudors and get me some of their biscuits. And don’t forget the jelly. I like a lot, so steal some if they don’t give you enough.”

    Mar 6, 2008 at 8:59 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #59.1   Summer

      Excellent!

      Mar 6, 2008 at 11:45 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #60   Lurker

    Blessed are the jelly-stealers, for they shall have flavorful biscuits.

    Mar 6, 2008 at 2:10 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #61   Allclick

    Wow how did my blog end up here?? Thanks for the name drop!

    I can’t say I can say much about Virginia biscuits…but Tudor’s in West Virginia is a taste bud explosion. Well actually, your taste buds just get covered in cheese and potato and umm biscuit. But it’s still pretty good. At least to a hungry Brit!

    Mar 6, 2008 at 3:07 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #61.1   claw71 bang

      Begging your pardon, but given that the official culinary technique of England is boiling I’ll have to dismiss your assessment.

      Mar 6, 2008 at 3:15 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #62   morpho aurora bang

    if Jesus had just returned from another 40-day wilderness experience he’d probably steal the jelly and any other edibles he could shove in his pockets.
    Why does everyone immediately suspect Jesus?
    It could have been his cousin John. John was a wild man and had a habit of losing his head. Or maybe it was Jesus’ disciple Matthew. Given my experiences with the IRS, Matthew would be the first person I suspected of taking more than his fair share.

    Mar 7, 2008 at 11:24 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #62.1   sprucemoose

      Nope. The Bible clearly says that John ate locusts and wild honey. Jelly wasn’t mentioned. Does Tudor’s serve locusts?

      Apr 16, 2008 at 8:13 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #63   ALA bang

    :?:

    Mar 8, 2008 at 9:22 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #64   phillip

    Jesus probably would not be in a buscuit shop/fine dining establishment in the 1st place. But if he was, he would use his wisdom (maybe through a parable) to show the owner that it is more profitable to give some jelly to the needy versus worring about loosing a few packs to is customers.

    Mar 10, 2008 at 10:43 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #65   S

    Yes, please believe the hype. Tudor’s biscuits must be made with crack, because they are addictive.

    As for the sign, enh. When people keep stealing stuff, you have to get strict. They were losing lots of money on small packet items, like jelly and butter, because they kept getting stolen. It’s a small, family-run business (the owners live above the shop, open at 5:30 AM, and make the biscuits from scratch, M-F).

    Mar 11, 2008 at 2:39 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #65.1   Porter

      They have a damn nice loft, too… gotta love the Downtown Living Tour. ;)

      Mar 21, 2008 at 5:01 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #66   Strepsi

    Team Jesus.

    Mar 12, 2008 at 12:42 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #67   Smurfchic

    Dude,
    a) Tudors is awesome, even if it does clog your arteries
    b) gotta love the Flaming Lips

    Aug 14, 2008 at 10:59 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #68   the whore of west babylon | passive-aggressive (and just plain aggressive) notes

    [...] no, He uses vaseline extra credit: “hey, look our toll plaza over” [...]

    Aug 23, 2008 at 1:37 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #69   Xopher.tm

    He wouldn’t steal jelly, but he’d feed an entire army on just one biscuit and a pat of butter.

    Aug 25, 2008 at 1:28 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #70   what would jesus do for a klondike bar?

    [...] related: no, He uses vaseline [...]

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  • #71   alicecake

    love the flaming lips reference – hurray! x

    Jun 14, 2009 at 3:01 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #72   and jesus said “oh, snap!”

    [...] related: no, He uses vaseline [...]

    Sep 7, 2009 at 6:37 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
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    [...] the Vaseline was intended to help the the note-writing roommate metaphorically remove the stick up her [...]

    Jul 26, 2010 at 10:03 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     

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