Reporting not-exactly-live from SXSW

March 14th, 2008 · 87 comments

Before I pass out, I bring you a few of my favorite more-aggressive-than-passive notes from the music clubs of Austin.

First, from Scoot Inn…


More bouncer sass from (I think) Beerland…

From (I think) beerland

And lastly, from Emo’s

I don't know about you...but I sure as hell wouldn't want someone else's sweaty-ass, filthy grimey fingers in the clean ice I drink w/.  So keep the fuck out! Thanx

related: I used to be your biggest fan

FILED UNDER: Austin · ice · money

87 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Questionnert

    My, my. I don’t think I want to “Come In”. There might be friendlier places down the street.

    Mar 14, 2008 at 6:21 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #2   leelou

    There’s something so charming about the lower note: something cutesy and pandering. I guess I *will* keep my fingies out of ice…if I knew which body part fingies were.

    Mar 14, 2008 at 6:23 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   park rose bang

      Yeah, I think it’s cutesy and pandering in a keep your fingies out of the ice before you need to keep them in the ice because I’ve just lopped them off with a machete cos’ you pissed me off kind of a way.

      Except for maybe the thanx.

      Mar 14, 2008 at 6:43 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #2.2   anon

      I wouldn’t have stuck my fingers in that ice chest…the beardo dudes who work at Emo’s look like they enjoy punching.

      Mar 16, 2008 at 9:59 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #2.3   Ben

      “They called them fingers but I never see them fing, Oh there they go!”

      Mar 22, 2008 at 7:58 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #3   park rose bang

    Well I’ll be damned. Who knew that shitbirds could count?

    Mar 14, 2008 at 6:39 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #4   claw71 bang

    Two dollars isn’t so cheap when there’s a good chance my ice will have sweaty ass residue on it. I wasn’t really comfortable with the place anyway. Why is come in in quotation marks? Is this some sort of “euphemism”

    Mar 14, 2008 at 6:44 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #5   MJaz

    Sign 1 started out so well.. then they had to toss in the little wizard, but I guess I can live with that. What blew it though is the use of the words “bean-counters” and “cheap charlie”. Those two lame insults sound like something my grandpa would have said – or maybe the dad on My Three Sons.

    Why do I get the idea that this “club” is a haven for 40 year old World of Warcraft fans, who still live in their mom’s basements and drive gremlins?

    (And, yeah, dude – two bucks is a big “chunk of change” when you don’t have a job!)

    Mar 14, 2008 at 6:49 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   MaryOGrady

      No, the Scoot Inn is a fairly rough place, actually. (It was once robbed by David Ruiz, of Ruiz vs. Estelle fame, the prisoners’ rights lawsuit which resulted in the Texas prison system being taken over by the federal courts because of its insanely, unconstitutionally inhumane conditions.)

      Mar 19, 2008 at 12:54 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #6   fantasy bang

    ” Cheap-Charlie Turdsickles”! Those are sooo delicious!
    I can imagine all the “Bean-counting Shitbirds” will be wearing unitards!!!!

    Mar 14, 2008 at 6:57 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #7   RALPHY

    I got to ask myself-Do I really want to pay $2.00 to be insulted and eat the frozen sweat off some guys balls? Hell, I can be insulted for free at home and I sure can do without the tainted ice. This old over-40World of Warcraft fan is going to move it a little further on down the line folks. Hummm-basements and gremlins. Maybe I should rethink my life’s choices.
    Just saying——

    Mar 14, 2008 at 7:07 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #8   Stacy

    Those are great. At least they’re not pulling any punches, for fear of *offending* somebody. I love Austin. Home sweet home.

    Mar 14, 2008 at 7:21 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #9   Lurker

    All glory to the Two-Dolla-Wizzid!

    Mar 14, 2008 at 7:23 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #10   claw71 bang

    You always worry about what might become of those child stars.

    Mar 14, 2008 at 7:31 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #10.1   Mishee bang

      To this day every time someone says something about “Two dollars” that creepy, obssessive kid still comes to mind…

      In my opinion that is probably John Cusack’s BEST movie from the 80′s…

      Mar 14, 2008 at 9:04 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #10.2   claw71 bang

      Say Anything was pretty good too but I think he showed some decent skill in Eight Men Out. That’s why he’s not stuck in the rut as Molly Ringwald. He showed a desired to broaden his range early.

      Mar 14, 2008 at 9:35 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #10.3   Dedawwgg

      That two dollars was FUCKING DELICIOUS!!!

      Sep 15, 2008 at 5:55 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #11   jenechka

    “Bean counting shitbirds”, “Cheap-Charlie Turdsickles”? Was the author of the note born in the 20′s?

    Mar 14, 2008 at 8:08 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   Centaurea

      What’s a classy dame like you doing in a suck ass, cheap charlie turdsickle eating place like this?

      Mar 14, 2008 at 10:17 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #11.2   secondsout bang

      Well, the Cheap-Charlie bit seems a bit old-fashioned, and one could picture Mr. Burns saying something like that. But mixed with Turdsickles?…

      Mar 14, 2008 at 11:48 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #11.3   Lurker

      I’m reminded of an old SNL skit where Mike Myers was a fruity old English stage actor interviewing Christopher Walken, and he called himself “Cucumber” and Walken “Ching-Ching Charlie.”

      I can’t get the sound of Walken saying, “Kookumbah, I’m not comftahble with you cawling me Ching-Ching Chawlie,” out of my head.

      (I honestly can’t remember whether it was Walken himself or somebody impersonating him.)

      Mar 14, 2008 at 12:26 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #12   Voca Popula

    Two dollars, okay, that’s pretty cheap, but two wizard dollars?!? Who would risk carrying that much cash around with them? I sure wouldn’t.

    Mar 14, 2008 at 8:30 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

  • #13   inothernews

    Also one for the Excessive Quotation Marks blog!

    Mar 14, 2008 at 8:44 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #14   claw71 bang

    I wish we could have had Cheap Charlie Turdsicles when I was a kid. We were poor so we had to settle for the store brand.

    Let me tell you something, IGA’s Poop Pops and Valu-Time’s Crap on a Stick weren’t nearly as good. You never saw chunks of corn in Cheap Charlie’s Turdsicles. Poppy Seeds on occasion but never corn.

    Mar 14, 2008 at 9:00 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   KittyKat

      Hahahahahahaha . . . . That’s so wrong, claw.

      Mar 14, 2008 at 9:32 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #15   KittyKat

    I like it! Sounds like my kind of place. I wonder if they would take the $2 in quarters, because at my job as a waitress, somebody left me $2 in quarters as a tip (you know who you are GW!)

    Mar 14, 2008 at 9:37 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #15.1   claw71 bang

      That’s interesting. I don’t tip waitresses but I give the strippers dollar coins insted of bills. I’m sure that makes for an interesting visit to the gynecologist.

      “You’ve got to be carefull with those Sacajawea coins, Bambi. They can slide all the way up to the cervix because they don’t have ridges on the sides.”

      Mar 14, 2008 at 10:16 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #15.2   claw71 bang

      Meanwhile, at the bank…

      There’s something fishy about these coins.

      Mar 14, 2008 at 10:24 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #15.3   Nate

      WTF? Is it even necessary to go there? What does that have to do with the note?

      Mar 14, 2008 at 10:43 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #15.4   KittyKat

      re: Not tipping waitresses – That’s why you get the sweaty-ass fingered ice in your drinks!

      Mar 14, 2008 at 10:45 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #15.5   KittyKat

      “Is it necessary to drink my own urine? No, but it’s sterile and I like the taste.”

      Patches O’Houlihan

      Mar 14, 2008 at 10:49 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #15.6   claw71 bang

      See, KittyKat, ass is why the strippers get my money and the waitresses don’t. I’ll take my chances on the ice. It can’t be any dirtier than that glass you gave me.

      Mar 14, 2008 at 11:01 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #16   Writerrejected bang

    But if you really think about it, people who have to think about it really are suck-ass.

    Mar 14, 2008 at 9:38 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #17   Writerrejected bang

    I mean that for people who have to “think about it,” too.

    Mar 14, 2008 at 9:38 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #18   portorikan

    ahhh, that nice texas hospitality.

    Mar 14, 2008 at 9:54 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #18.1   Max Dropout

      Funny you mention Texas hospitality. I’m a Beerland door guy, and yeah, I did write that one sign that sits at the front of our club. But having people constantly argue with you about how it SHOULD BE LEGAL to walk out with drinks is a waste of my time. Besides, 80% of the people I dealt with this SX were from out of town, AND RUDE. By the way, the sign I did where I threatened to pee on people was way better than that one.

      Mar 19, 2008 at 12:42 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #19   Centaurea

    That wizard has +5 smiting abilities on your fingies.

    Mar 14, 2008 at 10:20 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #19.1   claw71 bang

      But I’m a Level 11 Shitbird with a +5 bean counting factor.

      Mar 14, 2008 at 10:28 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #19.2   Crash bang

      That could make for some good sized bean shitting claw 71…
      You can put Cheap Charlie and his Turdsickles out of buisness.
      Serve it with a glass of ass sweat and clean ice with a twist of srimey finges and you could charge 2 wizzard dollars a pop to every suck ass person who has to “think about it” .

      Mar 15, 2008 at 1:47 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #19.3   Crash bang

      Might have to make it free for anyone who doesn’t think about it though…

      Mar 15, 2008 at 6:45 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #20   doeseatoats bang

    I really don’t think he should be trash talking the shitbirds like that. Every week I go to the park with my bag of bread crumbs and feed my little avian friends – they are tame as can be. Now I haven’t actually seen the bean-counting variety, but I’m betting if they’re anything like the common shitbird, they are worthy of more respect than that. I’ll take my $2 elsewhere.

    Mar 14, 2008 at 10:26 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #21   claw71 bang

    Wasn’t Eric Clapton in the Shitbirds?

    Mar 14, 2008 at 10:32 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #21.1   secondsout bang

      No, Clapton was in the Yardbirds. If you want to know who was in the Shitbirds, perhaps it was a collaborative of Yanni, Kenny G, Justin Timberlake, Joey Lawrence, and Ricky Martin.

      Mar 14, 2008 at 11:52 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

  • #22   AnimalAndy

    You persnickety swackwalligans! The American Shitbird faces extinction and you squabble over these signs! It’s time to act!

    Mar 14, 2008 at 11:05 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #22.1   Writerrejected bang

      Unfortunately, the American Shitbird exists in plentitude.

      Mar 14, 2008 at 3:58 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

  • #23   unholyghost2003 bang

    Along the lines of what Voca Popula said, Sign one becomes a Self-Fulfilling Prophecy. I am the sort of person who would have her $2 American clutched in a sweaty palm along with my ID … up until the point when I saw the sign with the Wizard on it. Even if the sign JUST had a wizard drawn on it I wouldn’t be thrown BUT the drawing is then LABELED “Wizard.”

    Seeing this sign would cause me to stop, think about it, turn to my friends and ask “What the fuck are WIZARD dollars? Where do we GET wizard dollars? CAN we even get wizard dollars? Will they take regular cash?” By this point the staff has started calling us “Suck ass bean-counting shit birds” and “Cheap Charlie turdsicles” and we would just move on.

    WAY TO LOSE MONEY Club one!

    Mar 14, 2008 at 11:21 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #23.1   cre8tivewmn bang

      Frankly, my first guess for the drawing was Santa Claus. That’s probably why they had to label it wizard. Too many people thought it was a different bearded man in a funny hat.

      Mar 14, 2008 at 11:28 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #23.2   unholyghost2003 bang

      I am also the sort of person who, if I did attempt to enter with my plain ol’ $2 and was given entrance, would say “You know that wizard on the sign is stupid and confusing. You people should get a new sign.”

      I don’t go out much.

      Mar 14, 2008 at 11:58 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #23.3   Lurker

      Yeah, if he’s going for a Rincewind parody, he needs another “Z.”

      Mar 14, 2008 at 12:22 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #23.4   unholyghost2003 bang

      oooooh! SOMEONE has been reading their Disc World!

      Mar 14, 2008 at 1:40 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #24   Sarah bang

    “Come Together”, destroyed and reassembled:

    Here come the suckass, he come to the doorway
    He don’t got two dollars, he one dirty shitbird
    He asks his friends, but then, you’ll see
    That cheap charlie turdsickle won’t pay up to me

    He use no lotion and no sanitizer
    He got filthy, sweaty-ass and grimey fingers
    He don’t give a damn or stop to think
    I don’t want your dirty hands on the ice I drink

    Get the fuck out
    Right now
    To the street

    Mar 14, 2008 at 11:28 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #24.1   sdkfj;

      the first song ive recognized on these sing alongs

      more classic rock parody songs

      Mar 15, 2008 at 3:44 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #25   cre8tivewmn bang

    Obviously these two bars were doing so well during SXSW that they didn’t feel the need to draw in customers, or to be nice to them.

    Mar 14, 2008 at 11:30 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #25.1   Stacy

      All bars do well during SXSW. It’s freaking 90 degrees outside today. Anywhere you can get a cold beer, or a soda (dirty ice and all), is completely overrun right now. They don’t have to be polite; they just have to offer cold beverages and shelter from the sun.

      Mar 14, 2008 at 5:39 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #26   Summer

    That Wizard must be friends with the fridge fairy from the last note!

    Mar 14, 2008 at 2:12 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #27   mmm


    Mar 14, 2008 at 2:23 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #28   claw71 bang

    You can’t think of Austin without think of Stevie Ray Vaughn: Crossfire

    Day after Day, another bad sign
    This bar’s getting sick of your line
    bean-counting shitbirds, won’t pay two bucks
    Cheap Charlie Turdsickle, you’re shit out of luck

    I’m standing, I can’t gain entrance
    Stranded…”come in” means enter.

    Got in for free…another place
    you should’ve seen the look on my face
    I got a drink that tasted like ass
    It was the ice…I had a clean galss

    I was poisoned… by grimy fingies

    poisoned…sweaty ass fingies

    Mar 14, 2008 at 2:40 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #28.1   Canthz_B bang

      You got my vote and you know I ♥ you, claw, but…”Oh, look! A preview button!” :-)

      But, then again, clean galss are a good thing! :twisted:

      Mar 15, 2008 at 1:21 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #29   Heidi

    The wizard!!! How creative!

    P.S. Military slang. A shitbird was a guy who slept on watch, stole from his buddies, offended the Vietnamese and generally shirked his duties.

    Mar 14, 2008 at 3:24 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #30   Canthz_B bang

    As persons of color, my friends and I are not discussing the $2.00 per head. We are discussing the wisdom of entering the Kitty Kat Klub in Texas with a pointy hat wearing wizard prominently displayed. :eek:

    Mar 14, 2008 at 4:51 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

    • #30.1   Suhayla

      And I don’t think that’s a beard the wizard’s sporting there… looks more like something’s covering his face, what with the eye-holes and all.

      Mar 14, 2008 at 5:59 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #30.2   sdkfj;

      how do you get your comment to be green? please someone tell me

      Mar 15, 2008 at 3:45 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #30.3   park rose bang

      You need to register, then you can vote on the comments. If a comment gets 5 votes or more, it goes green.

      You can register by going to the very bottom of this page and clicking on the ‘i wanna get punctuated button’, or there is a link to getting registered when you write a comment.

      Mar 15, 2008 at 6:30 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #30.4   jdskfjfkj

      thank you for the explanation. i have asked before, but it was always difficult to find my original post. thanks again for taking the time to explain.

      Mar 15, 2008 at 8:20 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #31   cre8tivewmn bang

    I love that they they felt the need to translate “gain entry!”

    Mar 14, 2008 at 6:00 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #32   Insanity Is Peaceful bang

    That ice was fucking delicious!

    Mar 14, 2008 at 7:57 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #33   summer

    That ice was fucking dirty! I got a visual reading that sign.

    Mar 14, 2008 at 10:09 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #34   Canthz_B bang

    Who are we people?
    We are the people who wonder just how great this place could be with only a $2 cover!
    We didn’t come here to have some suck-ass, cheap-Charlie, shit-bird try to sell us turd-sickles.

    Mar 15, 2008 at 12:29 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #35   Canthz_B bang

    Note 2: I don’t know about you if you cannot invest in a pair of tongs!
    Thanks for your advertisement to the health department though.

    Mar 15, 2008 at 12:57 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #36   Troy McClure bang

    Everybody send me $2 and check out my blog.

    Mar 15, 2008 at 12:57 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #37   amazon bang


    Has anyone see these???

    There were things on there to be upset over that I’ve never even thought of!

    Mar 15, 2008 at 1:03 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #38   PandoraWilde

    I’m waiting for another sign getting added to #1. It’s just not complete without “…And GET OFF MY DAMN LAWN! lousy damn kids…”

    Mar 15, 2008 at 1:07 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #39   Lurker

    From the glarkware product page:

    “Assholes rarely know why they are the way they are, so here’s a clue for you on your journey of self-improvement”

    So, so untrue. Assholes know exactly why they are assholes; they just don’t care. ‘Cause they’re assholes.

    Mar 16, 2008 at 3:30 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #40   tragically mep bang

    Clean ice I drink /w? What the hell does that mean?

    I now notice that this abbrviation is used in both notes. Do these 40 year old World of Warcraft fans all take shorthand or something?

    Mar 17, 2008 at 3:47 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #41   the chav’s guide to sxsw

    [...] reporting not-exactly-live from sxsw [...]

    Mar 18, 2008 at 9:35 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #42   Sundaeg1rl

    Hahaha, these SXSW notes are great. As an ex-bartender I can understand the frustration – people in bars are arseholes at the best of times, but a bar full of showbiz showcase types HAS to be even worse. Wall-to-wall chocolate starfish, in fact.

    Mar 18, 2008 at 3:51 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #43   franco

    I would never go back to SXSW. The local shitbirds and losers have ruined it for me. They clearly don’t want the money and attention it brings, so why have the festival there at all?

    Mar 19, 2008 at 4:42 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #43.1   Generalissimo

      Because people in Austin started SXSW shitbird. That doesn’t mean that everyone who lives and works in Austin likes all you out-of-towners coming to our berg for a week to use it like a tampon. Clearly these bartenders and doorfolks are giving back what they’ve already been given. P.S. Many of us carry guns (legally), heed the signage dick!

      Mar 24, 2008 at 1:05 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #44   forsoothsayer bang

    looks like bad spelling and grammar are infallible indicators of assholehood.

    Mar 26, 2008 at 3:05 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #45   Miol

    Assholes know exactly why they are assholes

    Mar 31, 2008 at 6:25 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #46   Hilarity

    I had tears rolling down my face as I read these notes.
    “bean counting shitbirds”?


    May 28, 2008 at 9:10 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #47   jen

    Since when were we expected to pay to pay to drink?

    Jun 20, 2008 at 10:05 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #48   BrigetRose

    Gosh, they’re all serious about their business aren’t they?

    Jul 1, 2008 at 11:37 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #49   bobby

    God, these notes are all so annoying. I’ve dealt with a lot of shitty door people in my day and it always confuses me as to why they think that they are so much better than everyone else? They are a door guy at a dive bar. Why the tude?

    Jul 23, 2008 at 2:04 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #50   Sara

    Awesome. I love Austin. Of course, I can explain the scoot sign. That bar sucks. It’s awful. That is why so people deliberate on spending $2 to go inside. Beerland + Emos = awesome, though, and I laughed when I first saw the ice sign (it’s since come down)

    Feb 5, 2009 at 2:59 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #51   Russ

    $2? If i dropped $2 I probably wouldn’t turn around to pick it up.

    Aug 19, 2009 at 8:16 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #52   Julia

    Two bucks? That’s insanely cheap for any day of the week, SXSW or not! When I first moved to Austin in 1992, most weekend shows at places like the Hole in the Wall were at least $3, and more like $8-10 to see the Ugly Americans or Sister Seven at Steamboat. If you can’t pony up that much for a show during SX, you should probably wait until the visitors are gone and hit up an open mic night. If you’ve paid for airfare and lodgings to come to Austin, and still can’t afford $2 to hear some music, then you need to work on your budgeting skills.

    I like the Scoot Inn; it had some awesome parties this summer, including “Raspberry Criminal,” a Prince/MJ DJ battle/mash-up. It’s a low-key place in East Austin that attracts all ages and types. During SXSW, every venue is mobbed, even the ones that are not official showcase clubs, and the focus is on how to get people in and out efficiently, so fewer people are stuck waiting in line outside while people shilly-shally over a $2 cover. The individual ticket price to get into a showcase club is usually $15-25, depending on who’s playing, and availability is limited, so trust me, the Scoot Inn’s a bargain.

    Sep 22, 2009 at 5:11 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up


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