the chav’s guide to sxsw

March 17th, 2008 · 118 comments

while you were drunk-texting your latest eugene mirman sighting to all your pals, more industrious folk like bryan from minneapolis, betsy from l.a., and adele from montreal were documenting the champagne of comedic gold served up by the austin bartenders.

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FILED UNDER: austin · bar · money · tipping

118 responses so far ↓

#1 PeeWee

What bar in Austin doesn’t have Shiner?

Mar 17, 2008 at 9:42 pm rating: +1

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- #1.1 jfentry
  
  the bar that has to serve millions of out of town tools that think austin spends 11 months doing nothing but buying shiner for sxsw
  
  Mar 17, 2008 at 10:02 pm rating: 0
- #1.2 secondsout
  
  Yeah, I’m with PeeWee. Shiner is the most common thing you’ll find in Texas, despite Lone Star claiming to be the national beer of Texas.
  
  Mar 18, 2008 at 1:48 pm rating: 0
- #1.3 zach
  
  It was Emo’s Lounge.
  
  PS: Shiner is disgusting.
  
  Mar 22, 2008 at 4:35 pm rating: 0
- #1.4 jessica
  
  it was red scoot inn.
  
  duh.
  
  Sep 15, 2008 at 10:53 pm rating: 0
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#2 leelou

Better yet, what bar in Austin sends handwritten iPhone messages?

Mar 17, 2008 at 9:47 pm rating: +5

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#3 Troy McClure

“‘Scuse me, I don’t want to trouble you;
I’d sure like a drink that has bubbles! You
have any cheap?”
Read ‘em and weep.
But welcome to SXSW.

Love the guy lurking threateningly in the background of the last photo. “This arm’s taken a lot of pain, & it’s ready to give it all back.”

Mar 17, 2008 at 9:59 pm rating: +2

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#4 Crash

I want the “EV(WTF?)RYTH,Na” that’s special in the first note…
Since they ran outt’a the “FUCK,Na DRINK SPECIALS”…

Mar 17, 2008 at 10:11 pm rating: +2

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- #4.1 Troy McClure
  
  Is it garden-variety bad handwriting? Or is it righteous fury? Tread carefully, young Crash.
  
  Mar 17, 2008 at 10:23 pm rating: +1
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#5 Canthz_B

I get a special drink for NOT fucking in this bar?

Mar 17, 2008 at 11:09 pm rating: +1

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- #5.1 Kittycat
  
  Yeah, it’s probably not worth it.
  
  Mar 18, 2008 at 8:20 am rating: 0
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#6 Canthz_B

Texas has reached the 21st century. In the old days sign two would have said “No faggots served here!”

Yeah, not, PC…but you know it would have said that. Don’t blame me, buy a funny bone!

Mar 17, 2008 at 11:14 pm rating: +2

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- #6.1 Troy McClure
  
  I don’t think I’ve tried any of those drinks. Do they really make you gay?
  
  I reckon anyone who’s one drink away from being gay might as well just stop fighting it!
  
  Mar 17, 2008 at 11:22 pm rating: +4
- #6.2 Canthz_B
  
  I think it works the other way ’round. Not like “the suit makes the man”, “the gay buys the drink”.
  Call it identity politics.
  So the drink you buy does not cause you to be gay, just identifies you as a “lady in waiting”!
  
  Drink up and report back to us, my friend!
  
  Mar 17, 2008 at 11:30 pm rating: 0
- #6.3 Troy McClure
  
  I took my troubles down to “Madame” Rue
  You know that queen with the gold-capped tooth
  He’s got a pad down on Thirty-Fourth and Vine
  Sellin’ little bottles of … Gay Potion Number Nine
  
  I told him that I was a flop with chicks
  I’ve been this way since 1956
  He looked at my palm and he made a magic sign
  He said “What you need is … Gay Potion Number Nine”
  
  He bent down and turned around and gave me a wink (original lyric!)
  He said “I’m gonna make it up right here in the sink”
  It smelled like turpentine, it looked like Indian ink
  I held my nose, I closed my eyes, I took a drink
  
  I didn’t know if it was day or night
  I started kissin’ every man in sight
  But when I kissed a cop down on Thirty-Fourth and Vine
  He broke my little bottle of … Gay Potion Number Nine
  
  —— guitar solo ——
  
  I held my nose, I closed my eyes, I took a drink
  
  I didn’t know if it was day or night
  I started kissin’ every man in sight
  But when I kissed a cop down on Thirty-Fourth and Vine
  He broke my little bottle of … Gay Potion Number Nine
  Gay Potion Number Nine
  Gay Potion Number Nine
  Gay Potion Number Nine
  
  Mar 17, 2008 at 11:47 pm rating: +9
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#7 Canthz_B

Looks like Troy McClure took exception to the tip jar in picture three and “tipped” the Diet Coke sign on its ear instead!

Mar 17, 2008 at 11:18 pm rating: 0

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- #7.1 Troy McClure
  
  It costs what it costs in Australia.
  No hidden tax on bacchanalia.
  In the US of A,
  Pay more than they say,
  Or the etiquette experts will fail ya.
  
  Mar 17, 2008 at 11:42 pm rating: +7
- #7.2 Canthz_B
  
  Oh, dear…not to get too deeply into tipping again with non-Americans, but…tipping is not MANDATORY, just CUSTOMARY here.
  In Japan, would you keep your shoes on when entering a residence or follow custom?
  Fuck the etiquette experts. Stiffing is not a crime. Feel free to tip or to not tip, just enjoy your visit to our strange new world.
  
  What? You’re going to forget the beauty of Yosemite because you left a $4.00 tip at lunch while there?
  
  Mar 17, 2008 at 11:51 pm rating: +1
- #7.3 Canthz_B
  
  On further consideration I will allow for the international difference I had not considered.
  Troy may not have gotten my initial joke and thought it as a slight, thinking that the phrase “cheers mate!” is universal.
  It is not a phrase used very much, if at all, in America. We do not refer to one another as “mate”.
  I forget sometimes that this machine reaches diverse cultures…as I suspect many of us do from time to time.
  
  Mar 18, 2008 at 12:14 am rating: 0
- #7.4 Troy McClure
  
  Thanks CB, yes, I was aware that “cheers mate” is an Australianism. When you made reference to me in #7, I figured that was why, & that it would be polite to respond in some way. Having nothing more specific, I simply translated the note into the universal language of limerick. But if you want to talk about tipping again…
  (Okay, maybe there was a bit of an editorial slant!)
  
  Mar 18, 2008 at 12:21 am rating: 0
- #7.5 Canthz_B
  
  NO! No! Never again!!!!! ROTFLMAO
  
  Mar 18, 2008 at 12:37 am rating: +1
- #7.6 Troy McClure
  
  You got a deal!
  
  And Rose has corrected me: “cheers mate” is apparently equally prevalent in the UK (among chavs, for instance) as in Australia. Still sounds Australian to me, but what would I know.
  
  Mar 18, 2008 at 1:54 am rating: +1
- #7.7 park rose
  
  As I said to Susannah (and you!), I’m not denying that we use it, it’s that I don’t think it originated with us. But maybe I know less.
  
  Mar 18, 2008 at 2:54 am rating: 0
- #7.8 Troy McClure
  
  Apparently, the expression “cheers mate” was first coined by a guy called Seth E McRae, who worked in a cheese mart in Chestamere, East Merche.
  
  Mar 18, 2008 at 3:08 am rating: +4
- #7.9 Canthz_B
  
  I’ve said it before and will say it again, “we are a people separated by a common language” (not an original quote of mine).
  Many common origins, many regional differences on current usage.
  
  “Cheers mate” or “Here’s to you, buddy”, don’t we all still get the point?
  
  Mar 18, 2008 at 1:32 pm rating: 0
- #7.10 unholyghost2003
  
  Funny how NICETIES are different among the various English Speaking nations (and even WITHIN them) But “Go fuck yourself” is universal
  
  Mar 18, 2008 at 1:37 pm rating: +2
- #7.11 Mishee
  
  I hear that CB - when I was in PDX I referred to one of those little Hondas/Acuras that are all souped up and have hi-performance stickers all over it (usually with an 20-something Asian guy behind the wheel) as a “Rice Rocket” - nobody got it…
  
  Mar 18, 2008 at 1:43 pm rating: +1
- #7.12 Total Douche
  
  Actually, the term “rice rocket/rice burner/pocket rocket” (take your pick) here in the states refers to a super bike.
  
  Mar 18, 2008 at 5:52 pm rating: 0
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#8 Sarah

Sure. Everything is special. I bet they told you your kids were special too. Just keep on believing that.

Mar 17, 2008 at 11:52 pm rating: 0

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#9 Tyler

Hmm, since everything is bigger in Texas, does that mean their lack of tips is bigger? (Hence the large tip jar)

Mar 18, 2008 at 1:51 am rating: +1

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- #9.1 bellabeastie
  
  No, it 0nly means their lack of manners is bigger.
  
  Mar 18, 2008 at 9:02 am rating: +4
- #9.2 ALA
  
  It means they’re cheap bastards who are reusing the giant jar in which there used to be some pickled food item (jalapenos most likely, but the kosher dill pickles, pickled eggs, and/or pickled pig’s feet are also possibilities).
  
  Mar 18, 2008 at 11:38 am rating: 0
- #9.3 bellabeastie
  
  Ok — That’s just yucky. Pig’s feet. euw.
  
  Pickled Anything Except Pickles Is Not Allowed.
  
  Texas or No Texas.
  
  Mar 18, 2008 at 1:52 pm rating: 0
- #9.4 Epiphany
  
  Maybe the larger the tip jar…the more intimidating?
  
  Mar 18, 2008 at 3:29 pm rating: 0
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#10 Sussanah

Cheers Mate is very Australian.

Mar 18, 2008 at 2:10 am rating: 0

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- #10.1 park rose
  
  (and Troy) I know it’s widely used in Oz, I just don’t think it originated in Oz.
  
  From the cambridge dictionary
  
  Mar 18, 2008 at 2:53 am rating: 0
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#11 tom

Which is why SXSW sucks. It’s held in Texas, the least friendly, most disgusting shit hole in the USA.

Mar 18, 2008 at 3:23 am rating: 0

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- #11.1 What?
  
  Texas is in second place. Your mom still holds the title of “Least Friendly, Most Disgusting Shit Hole”
  
  Mar 18, 2008 at 8:32 am rating: 0
- #11.2 Melanie
  
  You’ve clearly never been to New Jersey.
  
  Mar 18, 2008 at 8:33 am rating: 0
- #11.3 bellabeastie
  
  Or Gary, Indiana - the total armpit of the United States. urgh.
  
  Mar 18, 2008 at 8:58 am rating: 0
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#12 Nicolas

“Cheers mate” isn’t an acceptable tip anywhere. However, not tipping is a-OK in most civilised countries. FU right back, Texas

Mar 18, 2008 at 4:56 am rating: +2

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- #12.1 claw71
  
  Sometimes the expression “Cheers, mate” is used in a sarcastic way. It’s not a tip, you Texas Turd, it’s a polite way of saying go fuck yourself.
  
  Mar 18, 2008 at 8:46 am rating: +2
- #12.2 bellabeastie
  
  I believe that’s Texas Turd-Sicle, and you better cough up dem 2 wizzard dollers or mosey on down the way a’fer ah gives ya a Shiner.
  
  Mar 18, 2008 at 9:14 am rating: +1
- #12.3 secondsout
  
  As for a tip, I’d be tempted to leave a card that includes the tip, “plant your corn early this year.” Or “move out of Texas.”
  
  Mar 18, 2008 at 1:53 pm rating: +1
- #12.4 Mishee
  
  sout, that reminds me of this pop up “Tip” I got when I first installed Word 6.0 (can we figure out how long ago this was??) and the tip popped up and instead of the usual “CTRL C is a shortcut for copy” or some WORD related thing, it told me “Don’t run with scissors” and then about a week later I got “Plaid & stripes don’t mix” - Microsoft’s computer programmers are bored apparently!!
  
  Mar 18, 2008 at 2:00 pm rating: 0
- #12.5 Decibel
  
  Yes, and you pay a hell of a lot more for whatever you’re buying in other places. Unlike Europe and other parts of the world, our waitstaff actually have to earn a substantial portion of their pay from tips. That’s baked into the price of what you’re buying, to the tune of 15-20% (probably even more if you’re talking about drinks at a bar).
  
  So, while they could have been a tad more elegant in the message, it really is important to tip in the US, unless the service was really, really shitty.
  
  Mar 20, 2008 at 9:36 am rating: 0
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#13 Lurker

Again with the tipping?!?

Jezz, if you have to ask for the tips, yer doin’ it wrong.

Mar 18, 2008 at 7:06 am rating: +4

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- #13.1 Smack
  
  Except the whole point is that people from other countries (of whom there are disproportionate amounts during SXSW, which is incredibly busy for bar staff) don’t necessarily tip as it’s not the custom at home.
  
  Well, it’s the fucking custom here, and those people are busting their asses to get you that one fucking beer you hear from some dildo who lived in Texas for a couple weeks that is good, even though everyone who lives here thinks it’s cheap dark frat boy piss, so fucking tip.
  
  God, I hate SXSW, almost as much as I hate cheap asshole non-tippers.
  
  Mar 19, 2008 at 8:53 am rating: 0
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#14 claw71

So I suppose an Apple-tini is out of the question then…No Shiner? Then I’d like a Great Lakes Burning River Pale Ale.

Welcome to Texas, the worldwide capital of overcompensation. Nobody from Texas admits to being gay but you don’t want to be the first one to pass out around the bonfire.

Yeah, your ass is sore but it isn’t from riding a horse.

Mar 18, 2008 at 7:10 am rating: +2

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#15 claw71

Everything is special.

Including the mongoloid who scrawled that note. Corky’s bitter because his career never took off after Life Goes on. Stupid Sean Penn plays a better retard than he does.

Mar 18, 2008 at 7:14 am rating: 0

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#16 claw71

My tip? It’s to the guy in the back:

Get a bigger shirt, you ET looking freak.

Mar 18, 2008 at 7:20 am rating: 0

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#17 Tom

Here’s a tip mate - stock the right stuff and take down the signs!

Mar 18, 2008 at 7:54 am rating: +1

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- #17.1 secondsout
  
  Stocking the right stuff includes Shiner. You can skip the wine coolers and Zima, though. Does Zima even still exist? I get queasy just thinking about it.
  
  Mar 18, 2008 at 1:55 pm rating: 0
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#18 dizzy

What’s shiner?

BTW “cheers mate” isn’t a chavy thing to say (the very word chav makes my skin crawl…) it’s a fairly standard informal response in the UK to someone getting you a drink, sandwich or similar.

Mar 18, 2008 at 7:55 am rating: 0

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- #18.1 claw71
  
  Shiner a beer by the Spoetzle brewing company in Shiner, Texas that makes a number of very nice craft-style beers. They have a refreshing wheat beer that is very tasy as well as a nice bock. Shiner is very close to Austin which means that no self-respecting pub in the area should be without a keg on hand.
  
  http://www.shiner.com/
  
  Mar 18, 2008 at 8:15 am rating: 0
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#19 Vampira

Shiner is yummy but it’s hard keeping up with demand for Shiner by 1,000,000 out of towners with attitudes.

And Texas is far friendlier than say…..New York and far cleaner than Mississippi and Lousiana (just for example!).

Also, tipping is not a city in China.

Mar 18, 2008 at 8:35 am rating: 0

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- #19.1 Meagan
  
  Texas sucks.
  
  Mar 18, 2008 at 8:42 am rating: +1
- #19.2 Vampira
  
  Eh, you smell of Yankee.
  
  Mar 18, 2008 at 9:40 am rating: 0
- #19.3 Canthz_B
  
  Err? I was in NYC yesterday and found the locals very helpful. Great direction givers those New Yorkers!
  
  Mar 18, 2008 at 11:18 am rating: 0

painfully polite and hilariously hostile writings from shared spaces the world over

the chav’s guide to sxsw

March 17th, 2008 · 118 comments

118 responses so far ↓