the chav’s guide to sxsw

March 17th, 2008 · 126 comments

while you were drunk-texting your latest eugene mirman sighting to all your pals, more industrious folk like bryan from minneapolis, betsy from l.a., and adele from montreal were documenting the champagne of comedic gold served up by the austin bartenders.

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FILED UNDER: austin · bar · money · tipping

126 responses so far ↓

#1 PeeWee

What bar in Austin doesn’t have Shiner?

Mar 17, 2008 at 9:42 pm rating: +6

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- #1.1 jfentry
  
  the bar that has to serve millions of out of town tools that think austin spends 11 months doing nothing but buying shiner for sxsw
  
  Mar 17, 2008 at 10:02 pm rating: +3
- #1.2 secondsout
  
  Yeah, I’m with PeeWee. Shiner is the most common thing you’ll find in Texas, despite Lone Star claiming to be the national beer of Texas.
  
  Mar 18, 2008 at 1:48 pm rating: +2
- #1.3 zach
  
  It was Emo’s Lounge.
  
  PS: Shiner is disgusting.
  
  Mar 22, 2008 at 4:35 pm rating: +3
- #1.4 jessica
  
  it was red scoot inn.
  
  duh.
  
  Sep 15, 2008 at 10:53 pm rating: 0
- #1.5 Natalie Jo
  
  God bless Texas. I love Austin for this very reason.
  
  Feb 24, 2009 at 4:12 am rating: +1
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#2 leelou

Better yet, what bar in Austin sends handwritten iPhone messages?

Mar 17, 2008 at 9:47 pm rating: +13

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#3 Troy McClure

“‘Scuse me, I don’t want to trouble you;
I’d sure like a drink that has bubbles! You
have any cheap?”
Read ‘em and weep.
But welcome to SXSW.

Love the guy lurking threateningly in the background of the last photo. “This arm’s taken a lot of pain, & it’s ready to give it all back.”

Mar 17, 2008 at 9:59 pm rating: +3

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- #3.1 Lisap
  
  Please help, what in the world does SXSW mean/stand for?
  
  Aug 19, 2009 at 8:25 am rating: 0
- #3.2 anglophile
  
  Hope this helps, Lisap.
  
  SXSW
  
  Aug 19, 2009 at 9:36 am rating: 0
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#4 Crash

I want the “EV(WTF?)RYTH,Na” that’s special in the first note…
Since they ran outt’a the “FUCK,Na DRINK SPECIALS”…

Mar 17, 2008 at 10:11 pm rating: +2

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- #4.1 Troy McClure
  
  Is it garden-variety bad handwriting? Or is it righteous fury? Tread carefully, young Crash.
  
  Mar 17, 2008 at 10:23 pm rating: +1
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#5 Canthz_B

I get a special drink for NOT fucking in this bar?

Mar 17, 2008 at 11:09 pm rating: +1

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- #5.1 Kittycat
  
  Yeah, it’s probably not worth it.
  
  Mar 18, 2008 at 8:20 am rating: 0
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#6 Canthz_B

Texas has reached the 21st century. In the old days sign two would have said “No faggots served here!”

Yeah, not, PC…but you know it would have said that. Don’t blame me, buy a funny bone!

Mar 17, 2008 at 11:14 pm rating: +3

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- #6.1 Troy McClure
  
  I don’t think I’ve tried any of those drinks. Do they really make you gay?
  
  I reckon anyone who’s one drink away from being gay might as well just stop fighting it!
  
  Mar 17, 2008 at 11:22 pm rating: +5
- #6.2 Canthz_B
  
  I think it works the other way ’round. Not like “the suit makes the man”, “the gay buys the drink”.
  Call it identity politics.
  So the drink you buy does not cause you to be gay, just identifies you as a “lady in waiting”!
  
  Drink up and report back to us, my friend!
  
  Mar 17, 2008 at 11:30 pm rating: 0
- #6.3 Troy McClure
  
  I took my troubles down to “Madame” Rue
  You know that queen with the gold-capped tooth
  He’s got a pad down on Thirty-Fourth and Vine
  Sellin’ little bottles of … Gay Potion Number Nine
  
  I told him that I was a flop with chicks
  I’ve been this way since 1956
  He looked at my palm and he made a magic sign
  He said “What you need is … Gay Potion Number Nine”
  
  He bent down and turned around and gave me a wink (original lyric!)
  He said “I’m gonna make it up right here in the sink”
  It smelled like turpentine, it looked like Indian ink
  I held my nose, I closed my eyes, I took a drink
  
  I didn’t know if it was day or night
  I started kissin’ every man in sight
  But when I kissed a cop down on Thirty-Fourth and Vine
  He broke my little bottle of … Gay Potion Number Nine
  
  —— guitar solo ——
  
  I held my nose, I closed my eyes, I took a drink
  
  I didn’t know if it was day or night
  I started kissin’ every man in sight
  But when I kissed a cop down on Thirty-Fourth and Vine
  He broke my little bottle of … Gay Potion Number Nine
  Gay Potion Number Nine
  Gay Potion Number Nine
  Gay Potion Number Nine
  
  Mar 17, 2008 at 11:47 pm rating: +12
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#7 Canthz_B

Looks like Troy McClure took exception to the tip jar in picture three and “tipped” the Diet Coke sign on its ear instead!

Mar 17, 2008 at 11:18 pm rating: 0

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- #7.1 Troy McClure
  
  It costs what it costs in Australia.
  No hidden tax on bacchanalia.
  In the US of A,
  Pay more than they say,
  Or the etiquette experts will fail ya.
  
  Mar 17, 2008 at 11:42 pm rating: +9
- #7.2 Canthz_B
  
  Oh, dear…not to get too deeply into tipping again with non-Americans, but…tipping is not MANDATORY, just CUSTOMARY here.
  In Japan, would you keep your shoes on when entering a residence or follow custom?
  Fuck the etiquette experts. Stiffing is not a crime. Feel free to tip or to not tip, just enjoy your visit to our strange new world.
  
  What? You’re going to forget the beauty of Yosemite because you left a $4.00 tip at lunch while there?
  
  Mar 17, 2008 at 11:51 pm rating: +1
- #7.3 Canthz_B
  
  On further consideration I will allow for the international difference I had not considered.
  Troy may not have gotten my initial joke and thought it as a slight, thinking that the phrase “cheers mate!” is universal.
  It is not a phrase used very much, if at all, in America. We do not refer to one another as “mate”.
  I forget sometimes that this machine reaches diverse cultures…as I suspect many of us do from time to time.
  
  Mar 18, 2008 at 12:14 am rating: 0
- #7.4 Troy McClure
  
  Thanks CB, yes, I was aware that “cheers mate” is an Australianism. When you made reference to me in #7, I figured that was why, & that it would be polite to respond in some way. Having nothing more specific, I simply translated the note into the universal language of limerick. But if you want to talk about tipping again…
  
  (Okay, maybe there was a bit of an editorial slant!)
  
  Mar 18, 2008 at 12:21 am rating: 0
- #7.5 Canthz_B
  
  NO! No! Never again!!!!! ROTFLMAO
  
  Mar 18, 2008 at 12:37 am rating: +1
- #7.6 Troy McClure
  
  You got a deal!
  
  And Rose has corrected me: “cheers mate” is apparently equally prevalent in the UK (among chavs, for instance) as in Australia. Still sounds Australian to me, but what would I know.
  
  Mar 18, 2008 at 1:54 am rating: +1
- #7.7 park rose
  
  As I said to Susannah (and you!), I’m not denying that we use it, it’s that I don’t think it originated with us. But maybe I know less.
  
  Mar 18, 2008 at 2:54 am rating: 0
- #7.8 Troy McClure
  
  Apparently, the expression “cheers mate” was first coined by a guy called Seth E McRae, who worked in a cheese mart in Chestamere, East Merche.
  
  Mar 18, 2008 at 3:08 am rating: +4
- #7.9 Canthz_B
  
  I’ve said it before and will say it again, “we are a people separated by a common language” (not an original quote of mine).
  Many common origins, many regional differences on current usage.
  
  “Cheers mate” or “Here’s to you, buddy”, don’t we all still get the point?
  
  Mar 18, 2008 at 1:32 pm rating: 0
- #7.10 unholyghost2003
  
  Funny how NICETIES are different among the various English Speaking nations (and even WITHIN them) But “Go fuck yourself” is universal
  
  Mar 18, 2008 at 1:37 pm rating: +2
- #7.11 Mishee
  
  I hear that CB – when I was in PDX I referred to one of those little Hondas/Acuras that are all souped up and have hi-performance stickers all over it (usually with an 20-something Asian guy behind the wheel) as a “Rice Rocket” – nobody got it…
  
  Mar 18, 2008 at 1:43 pm rating: +1
- #7.12 Total Douche
  
  Actually, the term “rice rocket/rice burner/pocket rocket” (take your pick) here in the states refers to a super bike.
  
  Mar 18, 2008 at 5:52 pm rating: 0
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#8 Sarah

Sure. Everything is special. I bet they told you your kids were special too. Just keep on believing that.

Mar 17, 2008 at 11:52 pm rating: 0

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#9 Tyler

Hmm, since everything is bigger in Texas, does that mean their lack of tips is bigger? (Hence the large tip jar)

Mar 18, 2008 at 1:51 am rating: +1

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- #9.1 bellabeastie
  
  No, it 0nly means their lack of manners is bigger.
  
  Mar 18, 2008 at 9:02 am rating: +4
- #9.2 ALA
  
  It means they’re cheap bastards who are reusing the giant jar in which there used to be some pickled food item (jalapenos most likely, but the kosher dill pickles, pickled eggs, and/or pickled pig’s feet are also possibilities).
  
  Mar 18, 2008 at 11:38 am rating: 0
- #9.3 bellabeastie
  
  Ok — That’s just yucky. Pig’s feet. euw.
  
  Pickled Anything Except Pickles Is Not Allowed.
  
  Texas or No Texas.
  
  Mar 18, 2008 at 1:52 pm rating: 0
- #9.4 Epiphany
  
  Maybe the larger the tip jar…the more intimidating?
  
  Mar 18, 2008 at 3:29 pm rating: 0
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#10 Sussanah

Cheers Mate is very Australian.

Mar 18, 2008 at 2:10 am rating: 0

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- #10.1 park rose
  
  (and Troy) I know it’s widely used in Oz, I just don’t think it originated in Oz.
  
  From the cambridge dictionary
  
  Mar 18, 2008 at 2:53 am rating: 0
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#11 tom

Which is why SXSW sucks. It’s held in Texas, the least friendly, most disgusting shit hole in the USA.

Mar 18, 2008 at 3:23 am rating: +1

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- #11.1 What?
  
  Texas is in second place. Your mom still holds the title of “Least Friendly, Most Disgusting Shit Hole”
  
  Mar 18, 2008 at 8:32 am rating: 0
- #11.2 Melanie
  
  You’ve clearly never been to New Jersey.
  
  Mar 18, 2008 at 8:33 am rating: 0
- #11.3 bellabeastie
  
  Or Gary, Indiana – the total armpit of the United States. urgh.
  
  Mar 18, 2008 at 8:58 am rating: 0
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#12 Nicolas

“Cheers mate” isn’t an acceptable tip anywhere. However, not tipping is a-OK in most civilised countries. FU right back, Texas

Mar 18, 2008 at 4:56 am rating: +2

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- #12.1 claw71
  
  Sometimes the expression “Cheers, mate” is used in a sarcastic way. It’s not a tip, you Texas Turd, it’s a polite way of saying go fuck yourself.
  
  Mar 18, 2008 at 8:46 am rating: +2
- #12.2 bellabeastie
  
  I believe that’s Texas Turd-Sicle, and you better cough up dem 2 wizzard dollers or mosey on down the way a’fer ah gives ya a Shiner.
  
  Mar 18, 2008 at 9:14 am rating: +1
- #12.3 secondsout
  
  As for a tip, I’d be tempted to leave a card that includes the tip, “plant your corn early this year.” Or “move out of Texas.”
  
  Mar 18, 2008 at 1:53 pm rating: +1
- #12.4 Mishee
  
  sout, that reminds me of this pop up “Tip” I got when I first installed Word 6.0 (can we figure out how long ago this was??) and the tip popped up and instead of the usual “CTRL C is a shortcut for copy” or some WORD related thing, it told me “Don’t run with scissors” and then about a week later I got “Plaid & stripes don’t mix” – Microsoft’s computer programmers are bored apparently!!
  
  Mar 18, 2008 at 2:00 pm rating: 0
- #12.5 Decibel
  
  Yes, and you pay a hell of a lot more for whatever you’re buying in other places. Unlike Europe and other parts of the world, our waitstaff actually have to earn a substantial portion of their pay from tips. That’s baked into the price of what you’re buying, to the tune of 15-20% (probably even more if you’re talking about drinks at a bar).
  
  So, while they could have been a tad more elegant in the message, it really is important to tip in the US, unless the service was really, really shitty.
  
  Mar 20, 2008 at 9:36 am rating: +1
- #12.6 BeeOhhBee
  
  Oh, Secondsout…
  
  Even a big city re-re like you should know that corn doesn’t grow in Texas.
  
  And Austin is only unfriendly during SXSW because the locals are all pissed off that these touristy douches take over their whole city for two weeks, making traffic a nightmare and causing bars to raise prices of drinks by a factor of 80%.
  
  Jan 20, 2009 at 3:23 pm rating: 0
- #12.7 Wade
  
  Really, BeeOhhBee? No corn in Texas?
  
  I’m sure that the Texas Farm Bureau would be surprised by your assertion. (And as a native of Central Texas, so am I.)
  
  Jan 20, 2009 at 4:02 pm rating: 0
- #12.8 anglophile
  
  Oh for Pete’s sake, Wade! You got there before me.
  
  2,030 thousand acres of corn were harvested in Texas in 2008, yielding 253,750 thousand bushels.
  
  (and really, re-re? Now there’s a stinging insult!)
  
  Jan 20, 2009 at 4:06 pm rating: 0
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#13 Lurker

Again with the tipping?!?

Jezz, if you have to ask for the tips, yer doin’ it wrong.

Mar 18, 2008 at 7:06 am rating: +4

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- #13.1 Smack
  
  Except the whole point is that people from other countries (of whom there are disproportionate amounts during SXSW, which is incredibly busy for bar staff) don’t necessarily tip as it’s not the custom at home.
  
  Well, it’s the fucking custom here, and those people are busting their asses to get you that one fucking beer you hear from some dildo who lived in Texas for a couple weeks that is good, even though everyone who lives here thinks it’s cheap dark frat boy piss, so fucking tip.
  
  God, I hate SXSW, almost as much as I hate cheap asshole non-tippers.
  
  Mar 19, 2008 at 8:53 am rating: +1
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#14 claw71

So I suppose an Apple-tini is out of the question then…No Shiner? Then I’d like a Great Lakes Burning River Pale Ale.

Welcome to Texas, the worldwide capital of overcompensation. Nobody from Texas admits to being gay but you don’t want to be the first one to pass out around the bonfire.

Yeah, your ass is sore but it isn’t from riding a horse.

Mar 18, 2008 at 7:10 am rating: +2

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#15 claw71

Everything is special.

Including the mongoloid who scrawled that note. Corky’s bitter because his career never took off after Life Goes on. Stupid Sean Penn plays a better retard than he does.

Mar 18, 2008 at 7:14 am rating: 0

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#16 claw71

My tip? It’s to the guy in the back:

Get a bigger shirt, you ET looking freak.

Mar 18, 2008 at 7:20 am rating: 0

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#17 Tom

Here’s a tip mate – stock the right stuff and take down the signs!

Mar 18, 2008 at 7:54 am rating: +1

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- #17.1 secondsout
  
  Stocking the right stuff includes Shiner. You can skip the wine coolers and Zima, though. Does Zima even still exist? I get queasy just thinking about it.
  
  Mar 18, 2008 at 1:55 pm rating: 0
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#18 dizzy

What’s shiner?

BTW “cheers mate” isn’t a chavy thing to say (the very word chav makes my skin crawl…) it’s a fairly standard informal response in the UK to someone getting you a drink, sandwich or similar.

Mar 18, 2008 at 7:55 am rating: 0

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- #18.1 claw71
  
  Shiner a beer by the Spoetzle brewing company in Shiner, Texas that makes a number of very nice craft-style beers. They have a refreshing wheat beer that is very tasy as well as a nice bock. Shiner is very close to Austin which means that no self-respecting pub in the area should be without a keg on hand.
  
  http://www.shiner.com/
  
  Mar 18, 2008 at 8:15 am rating: 0
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#19 Vampira

Shiner is yummy but it’s hard keeping up with demand for Shiner by 1,000,000 out of towners with attitudes.

And Texas is far friendlier than say…..New York and far cleaner than Mississippi and Lousiana (just for example!).

Also, tipping is not a city in China.

Mar 18, 2008 at 8:35 am rating: 0

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- #19.1 Meagan
  
  Texas sucks.
  
  Mar 18, 2008 at 8:42 am rating: +1
- #19.2 Vampira
  
  Eh, you smell of Yankee.
  
  Mar 18, 2008 at 9:40 am rating: 0
- #19.3 Canthz_B
  
  Err? I was in NYC yesterday and found the locals very helpful. Great direction givers those New Yorkers!
  
  Mar 18, 2008 at 11:18 am rating: 0
- #19.4 unholyghost2003
  
  I too have found New Yorkers friendly and helpful. If you want RUDE come to WI. State motto “Get OUT. Leave your money.”
  
  Mar 18, 2008 at 11:28 am rating: +2
- #19.5 Mishee
  
  Wait a min UHG, I believe CA has COPYRIGHTED that motto so you are going to have to pay royalties on it now… sucks for you!!
  
  Mar 18, 2008 at 11:40 am rating: 0
- #19.6 unholyghost2003
  
  Meh, more of CA TRYING TO BE WI … with your green lawns in the desert and your “Happy Cows”
  
  Mar 18, 2008 at 11:54 am rating: +1
- #19.7 amy d
  
  Wait….what’s so dirty about Louisiana?
  
  Mar 18, 2008 at 2:27 pm rating: 0
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#20 Electrasteph

I was at sxsw — who the hell is eugene mirman? Oh, wait, he’s that dude who presented the web awards, at which I said “who the hell is eugene mirman?”

Mar 18, 2008 at 8:43 am rating: 0

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#21 yaya

Oy, back with the tipping, is it.

Mar 18, 2008 at 8:57 am rating: 0

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- #21.1 bellabeastie
  
  When in Texas, do as the Texans do….
  
  Team Cow Tipping!
  
  Mar 18, 2008 at 9:33 am rating: 0
- #21.2 Vampira
  
  Tip your cow, tip your waiter, tip your bartender, tip your stripper. ^_^
  
  Mar 18, 2008 at 9:43 am rating: 0
- #21.3 bellabeastie
  
  Thank you, I’ll be here all week. ^_^
  
  Mar 18, 2008 at 10:46 am rating: 0
- #21.4 Canthz_B
  
  And never forget to tip your cap for a lady!
  
  Mar 18, 2008 at 11:13 am rating: 0
- #21.5 bellabeastie
  
  Kisses…. and a luverly cap it is.
  
  The Rain in Spain… well, methinks it doesn’t fall in Austin. Hence the lack of shiner. So sad. SX2have theSWdrought upon us.
  
  And watch yourself around that ice. suspicious.
  
  Mar 18, 2008 at 2:02 pm rating: 0
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#22 Ana

These Austin bartenders seem to have some serious attitude. Fuck right off! The only reason people go to your hot sweaty texas town is to hear music so be grateful you have some customers.

PS: If you can afford an i-phone I don’t think you really need those tips…

Mar 18, 2008 at 9:25 am rating: 0

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#23 Vampira

I think after being hot/sweaty all week, serving people who ignore or are ignorant to local customs, they of course are dishing out some attitude. I think all of the notes are funny, don’t be so serious!

And hate to tell you but Austin is known for music all year, not just during SXSW.

Mar 18, 2008 at 9:46 am rating: 0

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#24 Ana

Sorry – I am just tired of the huge tip jars staring me in the face in any and all locations. Bars are one thing, I know we are supposed to tip.
But the local Krispy Kreme -huh?!?

Mar 18, 2008 at 10:26 am rating: +1

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#25 unholyghost2003

Ummm I think the whole “Sent via iPhone” bit is a jab at tragically hip sxsw goes who only pause in their iPhone masterbation only to ask “What are your drink specials tonight?” or “Is is Happy Hour still?”

Mar 18, 2008 at 10:40 am rating: +2

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- #25.1 Vampria
  
  Bingo! Someone got the damn joke besides myself!
  
  Mar 18, 2008 at 3:49 pm rating: 0
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#26 mmm

ahhh I can just hear the townies now. “I’ve lived here since I was 3 and now all these hipsters think Austin is soo ‘cool’. Fuck them. I don’t know why they act like they are so cool. I’ve been coming to South By Southwest since before everyone knew it as sxsw. Stupid tourists, think they’re so cool.”

Hahahaha get over it and maybe go somewhere and broaden your horizons TOWNIE suckers- instead of trying to lay claim to your greater Metropolitan area even though you grew up in the outskirts/suburbs anyway.

Mar 18, 2008 at 12:34 pm rating: 0

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- #26.1 bellabeastie
  
  Anger management? Just askin’
  
  Mar 18, 2008 at 2:07 pm rating: 0
- #26.2 Vampria
  
  Shit, most townies can’t afford a god damn pass to SXSW so doubtful! And I gladly moved the the central Texas area as soon as I could… If you think Texas sucks, try ‘Bama! >_<
  
  Mar 18, 2008 at 3:50 pm rating: 0
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#27 Dances With Books

Apparently entrepreneurship and a little friendliness are lost on those Texans. No drink specials? What better time than a big event coming to town to have drink specials? Treat the people nice, they come and bring their friends. And I have to agree with other commenters, how can you not have Shiner beer in an Austin bar? That’s like a cattle ranch with no cattle. For cripes sake, buy extra and plan ahead. You know, maybe show the out-of-towners what fine beer your state has to offer? Just an idea.

As for the tip jar, that is serious overcompensation.

Mar 18, 2008 at 12:43 pm rating: 0

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#28 GhostWriter

“No Shiner, but why not try a delicious ZiegenBock?” said the fully incorporated bar attendant. His shirt was so starched, you couldn’t fit a quarter in his breast pocket.

Mar 18, 2008 at 1:06 pm rating: 0

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#29 majorboredom

Ok, so I’m from Austin, currently avoiding downtown due to SXSW and pregnancy.

No, we don’t all hate SXSW’ers, some of us just prefers to sit out the storm. Yes, I’ve gone and enjoyed it many and time, I know how much money it brings, but a lot fo the SXSW’ers so come in and act like douches.

Beers runs out. Pissed off about the Shiner? Try the Independence Ale, made right here in Austin. If you didn’t whine about it, I guarantee your bartender will recommend something else for you to drink.

To me, the list of drinks they don’t have, is just smart. Why waste time ordering several drinks only to be told no? Most people are surprised to find that a lot of downtown bars are beer and shots only. You think it’s charming when the bitches at Coyote Ugly throw water in your face, why can’t this bar avoid breaking your heart a few times?

On the iPhones, UHG is right. It’s a joke. People with iPhones wear them like a hockey mask, and it’s hard to come back and tell you there is no zinfandel if you’re googling “The Onion” for band reviews so you can go to the next show with something witty to say.

As for the tip jar, that’s a crime, I’ll admit it. If you’re working for tips, I guarantee you’re making bad tips. I’ll apologize for that asshole.

Mar 18, 2008 at 1:48 pm rating: +2

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- #29.1 Bryan
  
  I thought the signs were great. You wouldn’t believe the level of industry douchebaggery that comes along with SxSW… a lot of people who think they’re entitled to special treatment for who they know or who they work with. But, overall, it’s a minor annoyance.
  
  I love Austin, I love being able to see a more live music than my senses can tolerate, I love to drink free beer, eat free BBQ, and I love the cab drivers (a cabbie told me the best way to get pot out of your system was to do coke…I have no idea why he shared that bit of wisdom with me, but I’m sure someone would have taken that advice as sage-like). I also like leaving the cold-ass Minnesota winter for a week.
  
  I’ve been going for 5 years now and I still love it. Yes, if I lived in Austin and didn’t like indie music, I would hate SxSW and yes, it is a major pain in the ass to find a place to sit down and have a meal, but the rest of the event outweighs the negatives.
  
  Also, if not having a specific beer is a problem for you, then honestly, you don’t belong at SxSW anyway…
  
  Mar 21, 2008 at 1:04 pm rating: +1
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#30 pistola

The first sign is ridiculous. Any place that has the balls to call me a sucker in writing for buying drinks there deserves to go out of business. What is with bartenders? I’m sure your job can be irritating, but so is my job. That doesn’t give you a license to be a prick.
p.s.
Places with drink specials do better business. Come for the 25 cent kamikaze, stay for the three dollar beers. Team Chico.

Mar 18, 2008 at 1:55 pm rating: +2

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#31 claw71

These notes make it quite clear that the people who work in these establishments resent tourists. Fine.

This is just a pretty good sign that Austin has jumped the proverbial shark. It used to be a quirky little town where people went to jam. Now it’s a trashy dump full of resentful hicks.

Texans, by the way, aren’t generally rude but there is a smug sense of superiority that tends to ooze from anybody born in the Lone Star State. It comes from that heritage of being an independent country for about 20 minutes in history.

I guess the thing I like most about Texas is that there nothing there that I really want or need and I don’t have to drive throughit to get to someplace I’d rather be.

Mar 18, 2008 at 2:15 pm rating: +5

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- #31.1 secondsout
  
  George Carlin once commented, “you know what’s the best thing about the high execution rate in Texas? Less Texans!!”
  
  Mar 18, 2008 at 2:23 pm rating: +1
- #31.2 claw71
  
  My Arkansas cousins will tell you the easiest way to get to Texas is to drive south until you smell shit, then head west until you’re in it.
  
  Mar 18, 2008 at 2:28 pm rating: 0
- #31.3 bellabeastie
  
  Ooooh Snap ! The only thing I like about Texas is the airport that is going to take me someplace else. Quickie layover and I am out of there…
  
  OK, there is a major joke in there. Have Fun!
  
  Mar 18, 2008 at 2:51 pm rating: 0
- #31.4 EvilTwin
  
  The folks in Mississippi are saying, ‘Thank God for Texas.’
  
  Mar 18, 2008 at 3:09 pm rating: 0
- #31.5 CR
  
  seems to me you’re confusing a “smug sense of superiority” for state pride. surely you’re proud of Ohio for .. something?
  
  Mar 20, 2008 at 6:36 am rating: 0
add to this thread
#32 S

“It’s held in Texas, the least friendly, most disgusting shit hole in the USA.”

“Now it’s a trashy dump full of resentful hicks. ”

Ouch, people!

True Austin is becoming like every other generic, crappy big city, but the people are still generally friendly and well-educated. The douchebaggery factor plummeted as the SWSW-goers filed out on Sunday… Hell, I can’t blame those bartenders one bit.

Mar 18, 2008 at 4:47 pm rating: 0

reply to this comment
- #32.1 unholyghost2003
  
  I think everyone who lives in a tourist area can commiserate with the SENTIMENT expressed, but my part of the world experiences a HUGE influx of self-important Chicagoans every summer, yet I don’t see snotty signs in the bars …
  
  Mar 18, 2008 at 4:53 pm rating: 0
- #32.2 mmm
  
  Oh “Chicagoans”- the Napervillians or Aurorans or Jolietans or Shaumbergians who finally moved to Chicago and are trying to prove what being Chicagoan is all about- aloofness and self-righteousness (read fear) . I feel sorry for your town. Somewhere in Michigan I take it? I’ll be there in the summer but believe me, after living here I know what Chicago is all about and now I appreciate any place where people actually speak to one another and act human. I’ll say hi and actually look forward to a pleasant response. I hope your town never has to resort to signs like these.
  
  Mar 19, 2008 at 11:36 am rating: 0
- #32.3 unholyghost2003
  
  Actually … WI … I live one town over from Wisconsin Dells. If you truly know the Chicago Metro area you know what The Dells is.
  
  Mar 19, 2008 at 12:23 pm rating: 0
- #32.4 anglophile
  
  I know what the Dells is: Hell on Earth!
  
  Mar 19, 2008 at 1:44 pm rating: 0
- #32.5 unholyghost2003
  
  *shudder* Damn Skippy!
  
  Mar 19, 2008 at 2:11 pm rating: 0
add to this thread
#33 hpro

i love this site…it cracks me up…

you might like this…

http://www.intheknowwithhpro.com

get your daily dose of randomosity…

Mar 18, 2008 at 7:34 pm rating: 0

reply to this comment
#34 theblackdog

No Shiner?! WTF?!?!?!?!

Mar 18, 2008 at 7:36 pm rating: 0

reply to this comment
#35 BoggyWoggy

Heh, heh, heh…
A good tip in Texas would be, “Hey, Ya’ll. Put your money on the white pitbull.”

Mar 18, 2008 at 7:50 pm rating: 0

reply to this comment
#36 solo

Yeah what’s the deal with no Shiner? Does the bar at least carry Lone Star?

Mar 18, 2008 at 9:07 pm rating: 0

reply to this comment
#37 portorikan

Austin, the only good thing about Texas. I love it.

Mar 18, 2008 at 10:25 pm rating: +1

reply to this comment
#38 People Over Process » links for 2008-03-19

[...] the chav’s guide to sxsw “‘Cheers, mate!’ is not an acceptable tip in Texas.” (tags: sxsw via:email via:rita conferences bars) [...]

Mar 19, 2008 at 2:18 am rating: 0

reply to this comment
#39 People Over Process » links for 2008-03-19

[...] the chav’s guide to sxsw “‘Cheers, mate!’ is not an acceptable tip in Texas.” (tags: sxsw via:email via:rita conferences bars) [...]

Mar 19, 2008 at 2:18 am rating: 0

reply to this comment
#40 Khak

I friggin love Eugene Mirman, mostly for his voicing of Special Sister Mary on Lucy, Daughter of the Devil

Mar 19, 2008 at 3:00 am rating: 0

reply to this comment
#41 eric the beehivehairdresser

It’s great to see Austin folk feel like NYC folk do all the time.

Mar 19, 2008 at 8:46 am rating: 0

reply to this comment
- #41.1 claw71
  
  Self-righteous?
  
  Mar 19, 2008 at 9:18 am rating: 0
- #41.2 eric the beehivehairdresser
  
  Pardon?
  
  Mar 20, 2008 at 2:46 pm rating: 0
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#42 Cookie

I live in Austin, and there aren’t enough words to say how much I hate it when it’s SXSW time. ACLFest is getting just as bad. You can’t go ANYWHERE in town, can’t go out to eat, can’t get a cab… some people are lucky to get passive-aggression.

Mar 20, 2008 at 8:21 am rating: +1

reply to this comment
#43 Bedazzler

No one drinks Shiner here anymore (except tourists). Lone Star is the beer of choice in Austin…but I miss Celis. Here’s the real kicker for y’all – Most bar actually raise their prices during SXSW and so do the Pizza Slice places on 6th Street.

Mar 21, 2008 at 7:46 pm rating: 0

reply to this comment
#44 Animal Andy

I actually went to the bar where the “no redbull” sign is on the register and told the barkeeper “You’re on the interwebs!” and he just scowled and nodded. WTF? No more international stardom for you, Zimaboy!

Mar 24, 2008 at 10:21 am rating: 0

reply to this comment
#45 This was the Week that Was, Vol. 39 | Sephy's Platzish

[...] geekfest known as SXSW was held recently, and apparently some passive agressive notes were found – I especially like the last [...]

Mar 25, 2008 at 2:02 am rating: 0

reply to this comment
#46 pooh u

When traveling new & different regions of the world I try to pick up a few customs so that I am not only polite to locals but also more likely to enjoy myself because people arent giving me dirty looks all day. Customary vs. Mandatory.
I’ll tell you whats mandatory, my rent getting paid every month. I’ll tell you whats Customary is 20percent of the tab, not .50 on a 19.50 round. If you don’t tip because no one “makes” you, you are not the kind of person I care to know or hang with.You know you are a dick when the barkeep tells you to keep your quarters. P.S. Austin is great its all the bleach blondes of houston and fake tits from dallas and cheesy ass don’t you know who my daddy is of san antonio that sux!

Mar 25, 2008 at 3:01 pm rating: 0

reply to this comment
#47 FS 16 photo thread - Page 23 - Gigposters.com

[...] hee! the chav’s guide to sxsw __________________ Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by [...]

Apr 1, 2008 at 11:17 pm rating: 0

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#48 Austin_Ken

You foreigners are funny. I hope that you cry babies continue to think Texas is a shit hole so you keep the hell away.

Apr 2, 2008 at 12:46 pm rating: 0

reply to this comment
#49 just trying to “keep austin weird”

[...] the chav’s guide to sxsw [...]

Apr 8, 2008 at 3:08 pm rating: 0

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#50 Chango

Anyone who says, “Cheers, mate” needs to get their head chopped off. That shit is broke. And stay the fuck out of Austin unless you want to have the worst time of your life.

Apr 8, 2008 at 3:26 pm rating: 0

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#51 kelly ursulak

i’d go to a texan gay bar so if i tip least i’ll get a great blowjob from a gay bartender..

Jun 23, 2008 at 10:40 pm rating: 0

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#52 Jenn

In regards to the ‘Cheers Mate’ message, that’s a pretty common expression in New Zealand and Australia. And (in NZ at least) we aren’t too familiar with compulsory tipping because we have a system different to the States, with a universal minimum wage ($12.50/hr). Tipping is seen as an extra benevolent gesture, rather than obligatory. So while I understand the emotion behind the message, it sounds as though it might have been directed at customers who were wholly unaware.

Aug 30, 2008 at 6:11 pm rating: +1

reply to this comment
#53 the hot topic at this year’s warped tour | passive-aggressive (and just plain aggressive) notes

[...] the chav’s guide to sxsw; your new favorite emo-punk [...]

Sep 15, 2008 at 12:52 am rating: 0

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#54 yo

Most of these people are full of shit. All this hating on SXSW is hilarious, because most people here love SXSW. What’s not to love about free beer and parties for a week? Yes, there is a bunch of bull shit that comes with SXSW, but it’s not that hard to avoid it. Anyone who is complaining is just pissed because they actually thought they would get in to some shitty party where all the cool hipsters were going. And all the iPhone hating is bull shit too, because pretty much everyone in Austin has an iPhone. It’s just a fucking phone, get over it.

Shiner sucks and not that many people in Austin drink it, but even I don’t think it’s that unreasonable to order it in a bar in Austin.

But really, if anyone wants to complain, just get the fuck out of Austin. I don’t care what you think about SXSW or our city, the worst day in Austin is still 1000 times better than the best day in your shithole.

Mar 16, 2009 at 2:51 am rating: +1

reply to this comment
- #54.1 imaginenoreligion
  
  Thank you! Very well said, especially the last line.
  
  Jun 5, 2009 at 3:47 pm rating: 0
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waiting for the rapture (and/or a thank you note) (134)
- aaa: THAT SPECIAL EDITION STAR TREK UNDERWEAR IS FUCKING WORTH IT. >:O
- Critical Grass: Yeah, I was hoping James would catch my drift there… Guess not, oh well… At least you got...
- Canthz_B: Agreed. You can still say “I had a grand experience.” The meaning is clear. No so much anymore...
- pony girl: I love the ‘it would be grand’ though. People don’t use the word grand enough, in my...
- Canthz_B: I love how seniors are always saying that they’re on a fixed income…as if us working folks...

painfully polite and hilariously hostile writings from shared spaces the world over

the chav’s guide to sxsw

March 17th, 2008 · 126 comments

126 responses so far ↓

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