world-renowned troublemaker troy mcclure forwards this e-mail from his department’s secretary in sydney.
no big deal, you say? take a second look at the addressee list. (yes, jonathan, i’m talking to you.)
not to name names, but…
March 18th, 2008 · 83 comments
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Tags: "accidental" "borrowing" · dishes · email · overzealous secretary · sydney
83 responses so far ↓
#1 Total Douche
Those coffee mugs were fucking delicious.
Mar 18, 2008 at 9:13 pm
#2 anglophile
I would know, but I’m not telling.
Mar 18, 2008 at 9:19 pm
#3 Canthz_B
I think I spotted those tea cups at Disneyland!
Mar 18, 2008 at 9:41 pm
#4 anglophile
She’s not the secretary. She’s the Departmental Executive Officer. I imagine with a title like that, she has the authority to deal with the miscreant in the proper manner, once he *coughjonathancough* or she is identified.
Mar 18, 2008 at 9:44 pm
#5 Canthz_B
After a review of pre-employment background checks, statistically, the odds are favorable that Jonathan is the culprit in the cup caper.
Mar 18, 2008 at 9:46 pm
#6 Sarah
As statisticians, they should realize that their email is a poor example of a survey question. It’s prone to selection bias.
Mar 18, 2008 at 9:55 pm
#7 Denagh
Poor John..I mean here he was all set with his cup stealing ring..and he got an email….**tisk tisk**
Mar 19, 2008 at 12:32 am
#8 Tyler
Ho: u = Mugs
Ha: u < Mugs
a=0.05
p=0.0001
Send out a PA email!!!
Mar 19, 2008 at 1:12 am
#9 Tyler
I’ll tell ya who done it. It was the computer science department. The Stats and CS departments never get along…
Mar 19, 2008 at 1:14 am
#10 agoodhusband
Oh, how I miss passive aggressive office compatriots. Where I work now, everyone’s just aggressive.
meh…good times!
Mar 19, 2008 at 1:17 am
#11 Khak
Stop stealing the mugs Troy.
Mar 19, 2008 at 2:55 am
#12 Izzy
Typical stats lot. The way they’re going, they should just be completely cut off from the maths departments in all the universities of the world. I bet they only stole them from the maths lecturers.
Mar 19, 2008 at 5:22 am
#13 Lurker
Do the have a mug shot of the Cup Crook? The Crockery Cribber, the Stoneware Stealer, the Dish Defalcator?
Mar 19, 2008 at 6:18 am
#14 Mishee
Wow, I guess it’s too much to ask to get some paper cups huh?
Is part of the Departmental Executive Officer’s job description to inventory and account for all tea cups and coffee mugs daily?
I guess I just miss the days when all they did is bang their boss and file their nails…
Mar 19, 2008 at 7:00 am
#15 Writerrejected
THat’s funny because I was in Jonathan’s office on Friday and we had the most amazing coffee-tea party, where you got to pour scotch in your fun university mug or cup and take it home with you after! The whole staff was invited except for the dweebs from the Statistical Department.
Mar 19, 2008 at 7:23 am
#16 bellabeastie
Gotta love how the message is sent STAT. WTF - is someone having a heart attack because their favorite Wally World coffee mug has gone missing?
“Prepare the patient”
“Yes, doctor”
“Clear”
Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzt.
Mar 19, 2008 at 7:36 am
#17 claw71
FROM: claw71
TO: Snooty McSnootington, DEO
I am happy to inform you that I would most certainly know who has taken, not borrowed, the mugs and tea cups in question.
Sincerely,
claw71
Acting Assistant Vice-Chief Associate President of the Junior Excutive Board of Advising Directors.
Lord of Toner, Duke of EDI, Sergeant at Magnetic ID Cards.
Mar 19, 2008 at 7:48 am
#18 pry
how do we know she didn’t BCC everyone else? i’m not that impressed with this particular passive aggression.
Mar 19, 2008 at 7:50 am
#19 claw71
Because it’s too obvious:
To the tune of Waitress in the Sky…
She don’t teach no class and she don’t grade no tests
Looking for the mugs, feeling so distressed
Sending out emails with her fancy tag
You ain’t nothing but a pencil pushing hag
You ain’t nothing but a pencil pushing hag
If the message is for everyone why’s it got my name?
Whenever shit goes missing Johnny takes the blame
I don’t drink your coffee it just ain’t my bag
You ain’t nothing but a pencil pushing hag
You ain’t nothing but a pencil pushing hag
The message says those cups were either borrowed or taken
Well my message says kiss my back bacon
Don’t blame me, I’ve got to teach a class
Buy some new mugs or kiss my monkey ass
Sexual Facilitator, Chemical Liaison
Cheap whore, drug dealer I calls ‘em as I sees ‘em
Departmental Executive Officer or so says your tag
You ain’t nothing but a pencil pushing hag
Mar 19, 2008 at 8:15 am
#20 Kittycat
Pansy-assed statisticians! (Sorry Troy) Go steal your effing tea cup back, beyotch!
Mar 19, 2008 at 8:26 am
#21 amy d
It seems more of a hypothetical question than a literal question. Kind of strange for someone in the Statistics Department, even the DEO. Maybe she’s bucking for a job in the Philosophy Department? I submit:
If a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?
Why are we here ?
Would anyone know who has taken/borrowed most of the coffee mugs and tea cups from the kitchen on our level?
Mar 19, 2008 at 9:08 am
#22 GhostWriter
That Jonathan- he reminds me of the Beatles Girl…
Is there anybody kind enough to calm my worry
All about the cups that went away?
You’re the kind of guy I want to blame
to make you sorry
Still, you won’t regret your sinful take
Ah Jon
Jon…
When I think of all the teachers trying hard to tutor
Who were turned away disheartened, dry
And the promises of thirst to quench
that they believed in,
But the mugs and cups had gone away
Ah, Jon
Jon
It’s the kind of world where cups are found
and in a wink, you steal the goods
Then you say, “It’s friggin’ weird!”
You act as if they disappeared
So rude, rude, rude, rude
Jon
Jon…
Were you told when you were young tea cups
were bits of treasure?
I would understand your thievery then
But come on, just bring ‘em back from the
Psych lounge counter
will you just be leaving them again?
Ah Jon
Jon,
Jon…
Mar 19, 2008 at 9:41 am
#23 claw71
The tea cups couldn’t take it any more. They weren’t raised to be half-heartedly rinsed out and carelessly shoved into the cupboard, dripping wet, with a bunch of dirty coffee mugs.
Although the mugs didn’t seem to mind living with perpetual coffee stains and smudges of lipstick along their rims, inside they were dying. The 9-5 routine wasn’t what they had in mind. Most came out of the kiln with dreams of hanging around expensive coffee houses being nursed for hours on end by unemployed hipsters who insisted they were “freelance” writers. But mugs don’t judge. They deliver scalding hot coffee refill after refill. And at the end of the day, it’s into an industrial dish washer for a deep cleaning. Sitting around on a desk until mold starts growing is not what a mug is made for.
The whispering started among a few of the tea cups, durable little Corelle Ware numbers that had survived numerous drops onto the tile floor got tired of seeing their fragile china friends shattered by careless professors and plotted an escape.
Rumors traveled through the cupboard and before long even the bowls were in on the plan. At first the teacups bristled at the thought of working with the mugs. They were so swarthy and they reeked of stale Maxwell House drip blend. But as they planned their liberation the cups realized that they needed help.
It was the spoons, you see. The spoons were certain to make some noise and only the mugs could keep them quiet. The spoons always liked the mugs.
In the end it was the bowls who made it all happen. The spoons weren’t about to stay quiet but they also knew there was no place for them in this world. Their cutlery sets had long since been scattered to the corners of the globe and nobody would take in a mix-matched set of used spoons. If they couldn’t be free and happy, nobody would be. The bowls realized that they faced a similar fate and decided that being used to convey canned soup and oatmeal to office workers was a far better lot in life than wandering into the great wilderness to become a pet’s water dish or a catch all for odds and ends like paper clips and rubber bands. The spoons decided to stay with the bowls and they all worked together to help the mugs and cups escape.
The office knife opened the cupboard and the cake plate carried the mugs and cups to the floor safely. The gingham Corelle Ware cup hit his facture point trying to bounce off the floor to unlatch the door and shattered, along with the hopes and dreams of every cup and mug in the kitchen but the lidless Tupperware salad bowl took pity on the them and hopped from the top shelf of the cupboard to bounce into the door latch. Once it was open the mugs and cups hitched a ride with the recycling and a few days later they were free to pursue their dreams.
Most didn’t make it. Many ended up suffering a fate worse than office stir. The Disney World mug was captured by a trucker and is now living his life as a receptacle for chew spit. And the blue Corelle Ware tea cup that started the talk of escaping is spending her days measuring out cat food in Syracuse. It’s not what they had in mind, but a few are living the dream and none of them have any regrets. If you aren’t living life on your terms you really aren’t living at all.
Mar 19, 2008 at 11:18 am
#24 PixelPerfect
Hey Unholyghost, I fell in love with him first. Stand in line!
Mar 19, 2008 at 11:51 am
#25 unholyghost2003
Oh! but it is such a LONG line!
Mar 19, 2008 at 12:06 pm
#26 mamason
Statistically, what are the chances that even one of the taken or borrowed coffee mugs or tea cups will ever be returned?
Mar 19, 2008 at 12:38 pm
#27 bamBAM!!
What is the difference, exactly, between a coffee mug and a tea cup? And do they have a seperate collection of tea cups and coffee mugs??? Does it seem a little OCD to define them differently?
Mar 19, 2008 at 3:11 pm
#28 GhostWriter
The Top Ten answers to the question: “What’s the difference between a coffee mug and a tea cup?”
(10) The late Princess Di was never photographed holding a coffee mug, only tea cups.
(9) A tea cup is typically paired with a saucer, while a coffee mug is paired with a donut.
(8) Logos, witticisms, and vacation spots are never seen on tea cups.
(7) “tea cup” can be written as one word, unlike “coffee mug”.
(6) Tea cups never measure more than 1 ½ cup in size (because, really- who wants more tea than that?)
(5) Your Aunt will consider naming her cat, “Teacup” but will not consider naming her “Coffee mug”.
(4) Tea cups are always white.
(3) Occasionally, women will be described as having, “…breasts like tea cups” but not coffee mugs.
(2) Games of skill and balance are more often played with tea cups than coffee mugs.
…and the Number One way in which tea cups are different from coffee mugs…
(1) Dogs have never been described as “Coffee Mug Yorkies”
Mar 19, 2008 at 3:47 pm
#29 secondsout
This is the kitchen on our level. It’s not too shabby, as we’re somewhat civilized. However, it’s also not too posh, since we’re not the Board of Regents. It’s just shabby/posh enough for us.
Mar 19, 2008 at 3:51 pm
#30 secondsout
Troy McClure? I recognize you from such films as Leper in the Backfield and Christmas Ape Goes to Summercamp!
Mar 19, 2008 at 3:57 pm
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