…and the even higher risk of your ass growing too large for you to safely dislodge your head

April 7th, 2008 · 55 comments

Originally unearthed from outside the hallowed Conde Nast cafeteria in July 2001, this digital-age relic provides a quaint look back at those halcyon days among the New York media elite — back when Gawker was still just a glint in Nick Denton’s eye, young Anna Wintour acolytes were still stuck in the induction phase of the Atkins diet, and print media still seemed to maybe, sort-of matter!

It’s hard to say which seems more charming about this exchange: the amazingly un-snarky response of the cafeteria staff? Or the fact that someone would deign to eat mayonnaise at 4 Times Square?

We have eggs; we have mayo; Why then NO EGG SALAD? Please don't force me to contact The Post's PAGE SIX!!

related: like a rotten sponge

FILED UNDER: "customer service" · "too inside fucking baseball" · excessive underlining · food · New York · not-so-veiled threats · office


55 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Mark

    That egg salad was fucking delicious!

    Apr 7, 2008 at 6:30 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #2   cranberry

    Blech, egg salad. Good riddance, in my opinion.

    Who really gets in a frenzy over the lack of egg salad, anyway? It never really seemed like something to get passionate about…

    Apr 7, 2008 at 6:32 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #3   secondsout bang

    The answer doesn’t address the unnecessarily angry customer’s query. If they have eggs, and have mayo, why not egg salad?

    Apr 7, 2008 at 6:41 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   Sarah bang

      I guess it’s more than the sum of its parts. Eggs plus mayo equals salmonella for sufficiently high/mixed/gross amounts of eggs and mayo?

      Apr 7, 2008 at 6:42 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.2   Suhayla

      So… eggs and mayo seperately are at little risk for salmonella, but eggs and mayo mixed together are high risk?

      Are the sandwhiches refrigerated?

      Is the mayo?

      Are the eggs?

      Do you really want to be eating there?

      Apr 7, 2008 at 7:27 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.3   amazon

      Maybe the salmonella helps keep her thin?

      Apr 7, 2008 at 8:36 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #4   Sarah bang

    At least he wrote it in the right place. Egg salad is not food.

    Apr 7, 2008 at 6:41 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

     
  • #5   secondsout bang

    Dear Page Six,

    My life is in shambles. I have come to rely on the fattening offering of Egg Salad. But nay, the threat of salmonella has taken away my hopes and dreams. Please, bring meaning back to my life. Use your authority to restore egg salad. I must have it! For the love of all that is holy, I can’t find anything else to eat. I MUST have egg salad! Help me, oh god, please help me!

    Apr 7, 2008 at 6:47 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

     
  • #6   secondsout bang

    If this were a crisis now, the person would just storm off and threaten to complain in his/her yelp review. Yelp has empowered an army of hard-to-please pretentious folks to call themselves critics.

    Apr 7, 2008 at 6:49 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #7   Wade bang

    We Hear You!

    Restaurant Associates, too lazy and incompetent to prepare and serve it properly, eliminated egg salad due to the high risk of lawsuits.

    Apr 7, 2008 at 7:07 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

     
  • #8   Andy bang

    Hrm.

    Well, doesn’t NYC have like the largest density of delis in the world? And, do some of those said delis deliver? Okay, moving on…

    Finally, would I really want to have egg salad from a cafeteria from the leftover boiled eggs from last week?

    Well, if you are this guy, then yeah. :)

    Apr 7, 2008 at 7:08 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #9   pry

    mayo smells weird, and boiled eggs smell weird. thanks for not serving egg salad.

    Apr 7, 2008 at 7:33 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #10   damon

    Team Crappy Cafeteria on this one. Egg salad makes Baby Jesus cry.

    Apr 7, 2008 at 7:34 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #11   Quite Contrary

    Maybe the ramekin in which the egg salad was served was stolen….

    Apr 7, 2008 at 7:37 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   Sarah bang

      Serving egg salad in a ramekin is kind of like serving sour milk in a champagne glass.

      Apr 7, 2008 at 9:50 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.2   zoe

      Serving egg salad in a ramekin is knd of like serving GOD in a ramekin.

      Apr 10, 2008 at 4:31 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #12   secondsout bang

    Just think, if you eat the spoiled egg salad, you might have to run to the nearest restroom to puke, but then find a PA note forbidding you to barf in the urinal.

    Apr 7, 2008 at 8:10 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #13   claw71 bang

    Egg salad is one of those things one out of every 228,789 people actually eat on a semi-regular basis. The reason your local lunch counter doesn’t offer it is the same reason they don’t have pickled beef tongue, kimchee and German potato salad.

    Make your own damned egg salad, bring it in a brown bag and eat it on the bench across the street because you know damned well you’ll overcook the eggs which will make the whole office smell like sulfur, cat farts and unwiped ass.

    Besides, even if somebody actually tries to indulge you, you’ll just bitch about the egg salad not being as good as what you could make on your own. So let’s just skip a step, you stinky, egg-smelling bastard.

    Apr 7, 2008 at 9:19 pm   rating: 18  small thumbs up

    • #13.1   Quite Contrary

      Well said!

      Apr 8, 2008 at 9:13 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #14   Canthz_B bang

    Does Methadone work for an egg salad jones?

    Apr 7, 2008 at 9:26 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   claw71 bang

      No, if you find yourself craving egg salad and can’t score the real deal you have chew rubber bands downwind of the sewage treatment plant. That, or just chill out at a Crohn’s disease support group and savor the flavor.

      Apr 7, 2008 at 10:04 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #15   goose

    Hey – some of us *like* the smell of sulfur, cat farts and unwiped ass!!!

    Apr 7, 2008 at 9:46 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #16   RunBarbara

    Egg salad is the food equivalent of a yeast infection.

    Apr 7, 2008 at 10:34 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

     
  • #17   honeyedhemlock bang

    I used to go to school with a Juan Egg Salad Jones. He was Mexican and always got seated immediately at a booth in the best restaurants across town.

    Apr 8, 2008 at 1:48 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #17.1   RALPHY

      Across town must have been in the Mexican section-In this part of town, they don’t have booths-just tables with tablecloths and “I’ll kiss your ass for a good tip” waiters.

      Apr 8, 2008 at 6:16 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #18   claw71 bang

    Egg Salad Jones and the Cafeteria of Spoons

    “Oh, vee haf vays of making you talk,” the squatty NAZI cook said sneering as he plopped another heaping scoop of luke warm German Potato salad into the bowl. “Soon you vill tell me everyhting I vant to know about the spoons.”

    Marmalade Mary struggled against the ropes holding her fast to the chair but it was no use. She was trapped and she knew that she wouldn’t be able to take one bite of that sour potato salad the Germans planned on forcing her to eat but if she gave in and told the NAZIs the secrets of the Cafeteria of Spoons they would be able to control the world. As the sickening aroma of the potato sald wafted up, Mary grew faint but just as she was about to pass out a different smell filled the air.

    “No, it can’t be”, the NAZI cook shouted with disdain, curling his nose at the sulfur-based smell settling in from above. He looked up and his fears were realized…it was Jones. Egg Salad Jones.

    Apr 8, 2008 at 7:31 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #18.1   The Flea

      … holy crap, that is so awesome it hurt my eyes a little to read it.

      THERE NEEDS TO BE A NOVELIZATION OF THIS STORY, LIKE, YESTERDAY.

      Dec 29, 2008 at 4:57 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #19   Mung Bean

    Dear customers:

    We half-heartedly attempted to make egg salad, but soon lost interest in the project.

    We would apologize, but we hate lying.

    Love,
    Restaurant Associates

    Apr 8, 2008 at 8:29 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

     
  • #20   GhostWriter bang

    Note to self: Feed mayonnaise to chickens, so when they lay eggs, instant egg salad.

    Apr 8, 2008 at 8:30 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #20.1   summer

      That would raise a big question of “which came first”, since mayo is made with eggs.

      Apr 8, 2008 at 8:58 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #21   GhostWriter bang

    Prior to 9/11, most contentious issues in NYC were banned and explained away with the nonspecific threat of salmonella.

    The list includes public smoking, venomous pets, and Marylin Manson.

    see: New York’s Salmonella Wars of the 1990′s

    Apr 8, 2008 at 9:28 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #22   KittyKat

    When I was a kid, we had to drive down a road with lots of dairy farms to get to grandma’s house. (I know, sounds like some sort of warped fairy tale, but totally true.) Anyway, we called it the egg salad sandwich road. By my reckoning, egg salad = cow shit.

    Apr 8, 2008 at 9:40 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #22.1   Quite Contrary

      Hey, it’s not a warped fairy tale. I used to, and I kid not, get in the car with my family and great grandmother to drive over the hill down this fabulously tree-lined windy road, to go to pumpkin patches to get our Halloween pumpkin straight from the growers in Half Moon Bay. We’d have egg salad sandwiches at some roadside diner and make a day of it.

      Okay, maybe the egg salad sandwich part isn’t true, but everything else is.

      Apr 8, 2008 at 1:46 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #23   GhostWriter bang

    Egg salad is so much more than simply egg and mayo. What about the freshly chopped chives and crushed dill? Dare you leave out the celery and dash of lemon juice?? Perhaps the sweet pickle relish or the mustard need only to be added to taste, but you mustn’t leave out the paprika!

    Calling egg and mayo “egg salad” is like calling egg and cheese “quiche”.

    Apr 8, 2008 at 9:43 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #23.1   KittyKat

      Hehehe – I bet you have ramekins and meatloaf pans in your cupboard, GW.

      Apr 8, 2008 at 10:19 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.2   Sarah bang

      Comments white people leave?

      Apr 8, 2008 at 11:12 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.3   TuesdayPillow

      Finally – someone that UNDERSTANDS EGG SALAD.

      Apr 8, 2008 at 3:28 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.4   Coke-aholic bang

      GW You just made me soooo hungry.

      Apr 9, 2008 at 8:20 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.5   zoe

      I adore egg salad. With everything you mentioned except celery, and with a little mustard.

      Apr 10, 2008 at 4:34 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #24   unholyghost2003 bang

    O.K. I REALLY like egg salad. That said, if the caf. has eggs, mayo and presumably bread Why bitch about the lack of egg salad? Buy the ingredients at the caf and assemble it yourself. Not like egg salad is hard to make.

    Apr 8, 2008 at 9:47 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #25   Katzndogz bang

    I was trying to find Lloyd Grove’s entire article about the comment cards, and had no success. I was quite surprised at how much people talk about the Conde Nast cafeteria. There seems to be a lot of fascination about that place.

    Apr 8, 2008 at 9:50 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #26   GhostWriter bang

    Just how much power do the nameless “Restaurant Associates” wield? I can imagine a response such as, “The Restaurant Associates have reviewed your comment and are giving it all the consideration it deserves.” …and still, they keep providing teaspoons with soup.

    Apr 8, 2008 at 10:12 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #27   poindxtr01

    Is it really that hard to make egg salad yourself? buy a hard boiled egg, cut it up, stir in mayo, add any other ingredient you like (i.e. relish, pepper, perhaps some onions off of the salad bar)… the options are really endless.

    Apr 8, 2008 at 1:19 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #27.1   secondsout bang

      True, but then again, how often do people go to a deli and get a sandwich? How hard is it to make your own sandwich? Buy bread, spread mayo, add lunch meat, maybe some lettuce and tomatoes… Point is, you’re feeling like paying for someone else to do it. This lunatic just has a thing for the egg salad that is under a recent ban.

      Apr 8, 2008 at 1:26 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.2   Canthz_B bang

      see #24. :|

      Apr 8, 2008 at 1:41 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #28   GhostWriter bang

    Damn- new note already, just when I was going Rasta on you.

    Restaurant Associate, I don’t like your answer
    There was Restaurant Associate took away what I care about,
    Stole the egg salad, kept the mayonnaise,
    Whitefish on rye bread, fighting salmonella.

    If you read my commentary,
    Then you would know where I coming from,
    You just took it- didn’t ask me,
    Mix the egg and the mayo, man!

    Mister Restaurant Associate took away what I care about,
    Stole the egg salad, kept the mayonnaise,
    Whitefish on rye bread, fighting salmonella.
    Hey you, Mister Restaurant Associate took away what I care about.

    Ready? Oy yoy yoy, oy yoy-yoy yoy,
    Oy yoy yoy yoy, yoy yoy-yoy yoy!
    Oy yoy yoy, oy yoy-yoy yoy,
    Oy yoy yoy yoy, yoy yoy-yoy yoy!

    Apr 8, 2008 at 2:12 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #28.1   Troy McClure bang

      Wow GW, for a moment I thought it was going to be a Salmonella Dub parody.

      Apr 8, 2008 at 8:01 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #28.2   kittenwithawhip

      this was beautiful. i just registered here to tell you that.

      Apr 11, 2008 at 2:37 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #29   Shieldmaiden96

    What, brown bagging is too gauche?

    Apr 8, 2008 at 3:11 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #30   Heidi

    Why not order the eggs and mayo on the side? make your own!! hahahaha :)

    Apr 8, 2008 at 3:37 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #31   Joe

    Ok, I understand your point but when was salmonella taken off the menu?

    Apr 8, 2008 at 5:59 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #31.1   Joe

      And who the hell wants egg salad that badly anyway? Gag me for real.

      Apr 8, 2008 at 6:01 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #32   Josh

    Wow – I had no idea there was so much hatred directed towards egg salad. It always seemed like an incredibly inoffensive food to me – not remotely exciting, but hardly the cause for such angry rants as seen in these comments.

    Oh, and getting salmonella from eggs is very unlikely unless the sanitary conditions are pretty dreadful. Which they may well have been, but that doesn’t explain why they were willing to serve eggs in a non-salad context.

    Apr 9, 2008 at 2:26 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #33   Skimpy Shrimp Scampi and Intimidating Carrots | PassiveAggressiveNotes.com

    [...] The EGG SALAD BAN [...]

    Jun 13, 2010 at 3:09 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #34   Thank you for your “constructive criticism” | PassiveAggressiveNotes.com

    [...] related: The Great Egg Salad Ban of ‘08 at the Conde Nast cafeteria [...]

    May 30, 2011 at 11:06 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     

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