“it seems too many people have made love to the office water cooler,” says lizzy in new york. and some of them, it seems, are getting a little sloppy.
lizzy says the “office of water” thing refers to the fact that “our office is full of water. like, the fridge doesn’t have anything but bottled water and coke,” but i’m not quite buying it. i’d like to think this came from the EPA’s official office of water (benjamin h. grumbles, assistant administrator).
92 responses so far ↓
#1
marcopuffin
stop sucking off the spigot… yours trooley
Apr 9, 2008 at 5:50 pm rating: +2
#2
RunBarbara
Lipstick gives you AIDS.
Apr 9, 2008 at 5:50 pm rating: +2
#3
Chipmunk
If this is an office, why is the extra p-a note written in CRAYON?
Though I will give points if it’s written in eyeliner.
Apr 9, 2008 at 5:51 pm rating: +3
#4
Lipstick Whore
That spigot was fucking delicious!
Apr 9, 2008 at 5:54 pm rating: 0
#5
Quite Contrary
If I notice any stains on the spigot/faucet/whatever, I will go to Costco, buy cases of bottled water, bring them to the office and NEVER use the spigot again.
Apr 9, 2008 at 5:58 pm rating: +2
#6
Coke-aholic
This note makes me want to join Germaphobes anonymous like they did on that Seinfeld episode when Kramer prepared dinner in the shower. Are the people in that office a bunch of monkeys? Sucking on the spigot is just disgusting and childish.
Apr 9, 2008 at 6:01 pm rating: 0
#7
Lipstick Whore
I think the lipstick comes from filling water bottles at the spigot…if there is lipstick on the bottle being filled and it is pressed up to the spigot, the lipstick transfers. YUCK! It is gross and why I bring in my own water.
Apr 9, 2008 at 6:13 pm rating: 0
#8
se
How come I’ve never seen someone sucking on a spigot or faucet? Damn,Damn,Damn
I wonder if I can someone to demonstrate….
Apr 9, 2008 at 6:43 pm rating: 0
#9
amy d
And the winner of the Unfinished Thoughts Award goes to the New York Office of Water! They are being honored for these fine specimens of unfinished thoughts:
Also if you notice and stains on the water spigot.
and
Yours Truely!!! (sans signature)
Apr 9, 2008 at 7:25 pm rating: +7
#10
TuesdayPillow
They are definitely sucking the spigot.
“Also if you notice any stains on the water spigot” is the type of non-sentence that makes me cry. In this letter, people have abused periods. Is there anyone that can defend the poor periods?
It truely upsets me,
Apr 9, 2008 at 7:26 pm rating: +2
#11
amy d
I predict that the phrase Sucking the spigot will become the new euphemism for fellatio.
Apr 9, 2008 at 7:35 pm rating: +9
#12
Canthz_B
I’m in love with the truthfulness of the true-ly!
Apr 9, 2008 at 7:38 pm rating: +1
#13
Zorin
I’ve felt like putting up a sign at work “If you use the last bit of water in the bottle, *LOAD ANOTHER BOTTLE YOU LAZY BUM*”. So often I come into the break room and find the bottle completely empty and I have to load another one, ending up with warm water as a result.
Apr 9, 2008 at 7:40 pm rating: 0
#14
Canthz_B
Sanitation instructions:
Expectorate into a standard facial tissue. Gently wipe spigot until lipstick is no longer visible. Unseen germs are not germs at all.
Also if you have a water bottle.
Yours “Truely”!!!
Apr 9, 2008 at 7:46 pm rating: +8
#15
secondsout
This is The Office of Water Remember? Perhaps I can contact them when I forget where I left my glass of water.
Apr 9, 2008 at 7:58 pm rating: +2
#16
secondsout
And the note is addressed to water users. Just who, exactly, is not a water user? The note is addressed to everyone except those suffering from hydrophobia.
Apr 9, 2008 at 7:59 pm rating: +2
#17
Canthz_B
I can see why she’s so upset about this. She needs good, clean water so she can take her Ritalin.
Apr 9, 2008 at 8:04 pm rating: +2
#18
Joe
Well, if you’re used to drinking out of a hose…also, I like the crayon written afterthought. Nice lil touches.
Apr 9, 2008 at 8:16 pm rating: +3
#19
honeyedhemlock
I did not. have sexual. relations with that spigot (the faucet).
Apr 9, 2008 at 8:37 pm rating: +5
#20
Suhayla
I absolutely love: the double colon:
And the repetitious use of “spigot” is to die for.
Apr 9, 2008 at 8:38 pm rating: +1
#21
GVI
Guess those office chicks are used to sucking on stuff…Shows what they do in thier spare time.
Apr 9, 2008 at 9:13 pm rating: 0
#22
Quite Contrary
There are just so many things wrong with this note. I can’t decide what to pick on next. Should it be the ALL CAPS? The subject matter itself? The piss poor grammar? The piss poor spelling? The crayon? The thought that there might be an “office of water” somewhere (taxpayer supported, natch). Or maybe, just maybe, the fact that someone is going down on a water faucet???
Apr 9, 2008 at 10:07 pm rating: 0
#23
Troy McClure
I blame drugs. Making out with spigots may sound weird, but a friend of mine told me about a time some of his coworkers had some “P”, and it turned them into cowporkers.
Apr 9, 2008 at 10:52 pm rating: +3
#24
unholyghost2003
If people are sucking on the spigot it is ALREADY a health issue. True, a mental health issue, but a health issue all the same.
On a similar note, it seems that you need new staff anyway. They suck the water spigot, can only be issued CRAYONS to write with and their solution to an empty water bottle is to unplug the water cooler rather than put a fresh bottle on. Perhaps a bout of plague (passed around by all sucking the same bit of dirty metal) would be in your company’s best interests.
Apr 9, 2008 at 11:22 pm rating: +5
#25
Gwynn
Oh, did the paragraph above say this may have been from someone named benjamin h grumbles ? If it is, I would say Mr. Grumbles has definitely found his calling in life. Why not make a profession out of your familys name ?
Apr 9, 2008 at 11:50 pm rating: +2
#26
fabs
Um, this note is posted next to a water cooler in the US EPA Office of Water in Washington DC. I work there and get to see this note every day! Not sure who this “lizzy from new york” is, but she’s full of shit (or maybe too much “bottled water and coke”). I’d also like to add that in order to use this water cooler, you have to pay $5/month. That’s government at it’s best, people!
Apr 10, 2008 at 7:08 am rating: +1
#27
claw71
Unsanitary or not, I never complain about lipstick on my spigot.
Apr 10, 2008 at 7:56 am rating: +2
#28
Voca Popula
Imagine the sort of PA notes you’d find in the Offices of Fire, Earth, and Air.
To: Fire Users:
We’ve gotten a lot of complaints recently about the aroma of charred human flesh that permeates the hallway we share with Accounting. Please stop sticking your fingers into the flames. Also, please stop sticking the accountants’ fingers into the flames. THIS CAN BECOME A HEALTH ISSUE.
Apr 10, 2008 at 8:06 am rating: +2
#29
claw71
Is the device in question really a spigot or is it actually a petcock or a sea-cock?
Apr 10, 2008 at 8:06 am rating: +1
#30
raiseyourglass
Maybe there no cups at the water cooler therfore improvisation must happen.
Although my chips are on the office slut, she’d put anything in her mouth.
Apr 10, 2008 at 8:27 am rating: 0
#31
raiseyourglass
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oXCf8TEzm-8&feature=related
Apr 10, 2008 at 8:41 am rating: 0
#32
Jaybird
I don’t think I have ever seen anyone use spigot in a sentence before… especially four times…… and if you have to clarify in brackets that spigot actually means faucet, why not just use faucet then?
Apr 10, 2008 at 8:44 am rating: +1
#33
Questionnert
What is an Office of Water Remember? Or should that be Office of Water Remembered? Or Office of Watery Remembrances?
Apr 10, 2008 at 9:49 am rating: 0
#34
claw71
My old office had a similar issue except that the nozzle on the water cooler ended up with coffee stains on it. At least that’s what everybody thought it was.
Truth be told, I was into colonics back then and found it was cheaper to do it myself than to go to a clinic.
Apr 10, 2008 at 9:56 am rating: +3
#35
claw71
She didn’t like the new water cooler at first. It was pretentious and cold standing there in the corner drawing attention to itself with the occasional glug. In fact, if Dana was being honest with herself, she actually hated the cooler. Perhaps it was because she had been so attached to the old one, an osmosis filtration unit that had so much personality. Over time Dana found herself drawn to the new cooler, it was attractive and the smooth sound of its compressor as it cooled the reservoir of water in its hull was soothing and reassuring. She didn’t want to like the new cooler and her sudden physical attraction made her hate the cooler even more.
It happened late one Monday evening. Invoices from the weekend had been imported to a corrupted database and the entire financial sequence had to be restarted. Nobody else was in the office except for Dana and that shiny water cooler. Dana tried to resist going to the kitchen but thirst took its toll and she wandered into the kitchen. Dana headed straight for the sink intent on drawing plain tap water, just like she always did, to spite the new cooler but as she filled her Starbucks water bottle the new cooler’s compressor kicked in and her eyes were drawn to the calming whir of it’s electric motor.
It was captivating. The blue jug was three quarters of the way full and the water danced behind the rigid, ribbed plastic. The narrow neck of the jug guided her eyes down to the console of the water cooler, shiny, white and clean. Dana had never been this close to the cooler before and she could feel heat of the compressor wash over her. The cooler’s hard white spigot jutted from its compact body. And that’s where her eyes settled. She stood there for a second imagining what it would be like to touch it. She closed her eyes and fantasized about what it would feel like to have that cooler’s contents deep inside her. Her thirst turned to hunger as she caressed the cooler’s big blue jug. It glugged and her hand moved down, slowly working toward the spigot. Her fingers caressed it, and she felt the cool moisture at the tip.
Dana dropped to her knees and leaned toward the spigot, probing the little opening with her tongue. She felt the drop of hydration and tasted the sweet flavor of the fluid waiting for her. She wanted it. Dana wanted to be filled with every drop. She leaned closer and wrapped her lush red lips around the tip of the spigot. She sucked that bashful drop of water out of the shaft and took the spigot in deeper and deeper until here mouth was against the lever. Then she reached up and actuated it releasing a flood of sweet ecstasy. Dana moaned was the cooler glugged away, dumping an endless supply of fresh cool water into Dana’s mouth. She paused to take a breath, and went at it again. She kept working the spigot until the cool water was gone and the room temperature water flowed. The Cooler was spent, and Dana was satisfied. She’d never been so sated. She rested with her head on the cooler considering what she had done and how it would affect her job. Would she be able to maintain her icy distance from the cooler when others were present? She didn’t know. But as she looked down at the cooler’s spigot she was pleased to see that her bright red lipstick had marked her accomplishment. The cooler was impressive. It had filled many cups in its short tenure at the office but Dana had taken it to task. It was a worthy adversary but she was the one walking away victorious.
She pulled herself up and staggered under the weight of her waterlogged belly. The cooler whirred endlessly trying to cool another reservoir of water but Dana knew it had done all it could tonight. She smiled as she left the break room, but never looked back leaving the cooler with the impression she was finished with it for good.
Apr 10, 2008 at 10:31 am rating: +13
#36
greg
This is BS – that image came from another blog post a while ago here: http://iloveyoubutivechosenawesomeness.blogspot.com/2007/02/lipstick-flavored-kisses-for-my-water.html
Apr 10, 2008 at 11:02 am rating: 0
#37
Canthz_B
Water bottle people grate on my nerves.
You’re going to work, not on safari.
While I’m at it, stop buying giant 4×4’s because the commercial showed the vehicle as a rugged all-terrain vehicle. You will never leave the pavement!
Apr 10, 2008 at 11:36 am rating: 0
#38
cre8tivewmn
Lipstick is just a symptom. Think of all the non-lipstick wearing women and men who could be making contact with the spigot without you knowing it! Germs…germs….germs!
You only have to sanitize the spigot if you put stains on it. Clearly the problem is the lipstick, not the germs!
Apr 10, 2008 at 12:56 pm rating: +1
#39
secondsout
Water, water, every where,
And the office did stink;
Water, water, every where,
Nor any drop to drink.
The lipstick on the spigot, Christ!
That ever this should be!
Yea, germy things did crawl the maw
Where your cup should be.
About, about, in reel and rout
The lipstick danced at night;
The water, like a witch’s oils,
Burnt red, maroon, and white.
And some in dreams all thirsty were
Of the Spigot that plagued us so;
Five gallons deep he had challenged us
In the breakroom where it goes.
And every tongue, through utter drought,
Was withered at the root;
We could not speak, no more than if
We had been choked with soot.
Oh! water jug what evil looks
In the Office of Water Remember!
My coworker put her mouth upon
The water jug’s plastic member.”
Apr 10, 2008 at 3:15 pm rating: +9
#40
douchegirl
I really liked the double colons. And the crayon/eyeliner.
Yours truely!!!
Apr 10, 2008 at 3:56 pm rating: 0
#41
aflirtycatastrophe
Man… I wonder if they get to carry badges…
“You there! Hold it! I’m from the Office of Water and I insist you halt in the name of the element – water!”
Apr 10, 2008 at 4:38 pm rating: +1
#42
Sundaeg1rl
My ‘water container’ is commonly called ‘my mouth’. And I will suck water out of the friggin’ taps if I want to.
GERM POLICE!! DISINFECT! DISINFECT!
Apr 11, 2008 at 3:11 pm rating: 0
#43
Melissa
I do wonder if it wasn’t lipstick at all, but crystal-light packets. when you dump them into the bottle the powder sticks to the inside of the bottle opening. Then when you put the spigot into the bottle, it transfers to the spigot. It happens all the time. Raspberry Ice is very red.
Apr 18, 2008 at 6:15 pm rating: 0
#44
Ron
You could just bring your own water to work, or get a filtered water bottle, like from New Wave Enviro. Then the water is filtered as you drink it and you can use tap water.
I got one at http://www.waterbottlepeople.com
Feb 23, 2009 at 10:24 am rating: 0
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