after six months of backpacking through australia, my former roommate robin stopped by her mom’s house on long island to unload her giant pack of souvenirs, leftover trail mix, and unwashed underwear. her crucial mistake (besides the basic one: returning back home to mom as an adult)? leaving an unopened can of planter’s peanuts on the floor of her room…within sight of her mom, who is, um, deathly allergic to peanuts.
the note she left was simple enough, but for robin, the subtext was clear: “what, you’ve been back one day, and already you’re trying to kill me?”
“honestly, i’m pretty surprised she didn’t add in ‘…OR I WILL DIE!!!’ at the end,” says robin. “but the dirty looks i got from my stepdad the rest of the day basically said as much.” after getting a very thorough talking-to the next day about the finer points of washing cast-iron cookware, she decided it was definitely time to get her own place.
related: cleaning party!
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126 responses so far ↓
#1 scone
Even though Plavix isn’t for allergies, the medical post it note added a nice touch. It nicely underlined the “are you trying to kill me?” vibe.
Apr 16, 2008 at 5:50 pm rating: +2
#2 KittyKat
I don’t know, I think if I was deathly allergic to something, I’d be a bit more hostile than just saying “Please Do Not Eat.”
Team Moms don’t get no respect!
Apr 16, 2008 at 5:52 pm rating: +4
#3 secondsout
Please do not eat in the house. We have left a bowl of your kibble, plus a bowl of water out on the back porch.
And stop crapping in the house, too!
Apr 16, 2008 at 5:53 pm rating: +4
#4 KittyKat
Also, those death-causing peanuts were effin delicious!
Apr 16, 2008 at 5:53 pm rating: 0
#5 Lorrie
Notice both the “please” and “thanks” are in lowercase - total afterthoughts. This means, mom was really irritated when she first wrote the note, and then thought about it and added to it later. This is a twice p/a note! Ah… mom.
Apr 16, 2008 at 6:03 pm rating: +4
#6 marcopuffin
not the gentlest of home comings but can understand her terror of instant death. Perhaps she should have gone for something more P and less A like: “I want to keep living long enough to see your 50,000 photos of the outback, honey!”
Apr 16, 2008 at 6:19 pm rating: +3
#7 summer
Or, maybe mom should stop eating things she finds on the floor, stray peanuts could be anywhere at anytime, I call this high-risk behavior.
Apr 16, 2008 at 6:23 pm rating: +2
#8 Bellabeastie
The effin peanuts aren’t even effin OPEN !
Where does Mom suggest she eat? In the effin garage? The Australian outback must seem pretty welcoming compared to this.
Apr 16, 2008 at 6:39 pm rating: +1
#9 HyperJen
I’m allergic! NO ONE CAN EAT ANYTHING IN THE HOUSE OR I WILL DIE!
crazy mom logic ftw!
Apr 16, 2008 at 6:46 pm rating: +2
#10 Ben
I wonder if mom even approached the death causing peanut jar or employed the surly step dad to tape the note to the lid - after-which he had to undergo a vigorous decontamination process.
Apr 16, 2008 at 6:50 pm rating: +2
#11 kalieris
This is pretty much the strategy I suspect I will employ with my son, should he prove unwilling to leave home in a timely fashion. He’s already hinted he wants me within driving distance of college so he can easily drop off laundry (although he is 80% joking, it’s that 20% total seriousness that scares me). My other PA tactics will include not having anywhere for him to sleep, and not owning a television. I’ll be lucky to get occasional phonecalls at this rate. Mwahahaha….
Apr 16, 2008 at 6:51 pm rating: +7
#12 lue
In Mom’s defense…she probably didn’t have to eat the peanuts to have a reaction. 2 of my students have peanut allergies and they are very severe. They are not supposed to be near other students who are eating peanut butter and can have a reaction just from the “fumes” etc. Umm I had to watch a video about this at work and now I am passing the information along to you people.
So yeah, I can understand Mom being somewhat pissed. I feel the note shows remarkable restraint.
Apr 16, 2008 at 7:01 pm rating: +4
#13 unholyghost2003
I kept looking for the word “these” I was expecting it to say “please DO NOT EAT THESE IN THE HOUSE thanks mom”
but no, no Mom wants her to STARVE or MOVE. I say, get your own place and eat peanuts and peanut based products EVERYDAY!
Apr 16, 2008 at 7:05 pm rating: +1
#14 damon
Team Freeloading Daughter on this one. People who are allergic to peanuts fail as a member of the human race. Peanuts are effin delicious!
Apr 16, 2008 at 7:13 pm rating: +2
#15 john
Even though the combination of words on the freebie pharmaceutical notepad don’t say it, I think we all agree that the underlying message is
‘I spent 22 hours in hard labor giving birth to you, raise you to be a good girl and pay for your college education just so you could bring home your dirty underwear after sleeping with who knows how many Australian men and now you want my throat to swell up so I suffocate in the very room that I gave you your first training bra?! Thanks, Mom’
Apr 16, 2008 at 8:50 pm rating: +5
#16 leighann
cleaning cast iron cookwear is no joke… i support mom on this one
Apr 16, 2008 at 8:59 pm rating: +5
#17 hoopla
Not often do you see a life-or-death PA note. This is a class unto itself.
Apr 16, 2008 at 9:08 pm rating: +2
#18 ginger_t
I think the semantics are getting misconstrued. This IS shorthand for “Please don’t eat [these] in the house.” And believe me, I’ve got a wench of a mothers, so I’m the first to defend anyone against a wench of a mother. Plus, really, they have peanut free lunches at schools because airborne particles are issues for those allergic, so this just does not cut it as passive aggressive to me. Backpacker chick is just bummed at being at home, and who wouldn’t after 6 months rockin’ a backpack and hopefully havin’ flings with hot aussies …
Apr 16, 2008 at 9:53 pm rating: +2
#19 se
I’m wondering if the peanuts themselves are a PA message. you know
” mom, I’m back, don’t mess with me. or else…”
Apr 16, 2008 at 10:19 pm rating: +4
#20 Sarah
Where the hell is the clip art? Everyone knows you can’t take PA notes seriously without clip art!
Apr 16, 2008 at 10:22 pm rating: 0
#21 RunBarbara
Team Eat In The Yard, You Jet-setting Whore!
Dude, have you seen Mr. Peanut? He can amble around with a monocle and cane looking like he’s about to tap dance, what makes you think he couldn’t hop right into her peanut-free kitchen and roll around on everything?
Apr 16, 2008 at 10:25 pm rating: +2
#22 Canthz_B
I die a little each time Lucy pulls the football away from Charlie Brown’s kick-off attempt.
Apr 16, 2008 at 11:46 pm rating: +3
#23 TuesdayPillow
So uh, mom can’t even be AROUND peanuts? Weakling!
Also, I am sure that after a long trip back from Australia the daughter was just a little hazy and was more concerned about sleeping, unpacking, seeing friends, etc.
How about HEY HONEY I LOVE YOU AND ARE SO GLAD TO SEE YOU JUST REMEMBER I AM ALLERGIC TO DA PEANUTS, OK? LOVE YA!
Apr 16, 2008 at 11:50 pm rating: +1
#24 Canthz_B
Peanut-free airplanes and school lunches?
We must be in the end of days. For the life of me I don’t remember peanuts being deadly when I was a child.
Next up will be oxygen allergies.
I mean really, if you can’t handle peanuts, do you deserve to live?
Time to thin the herd.
Apr 16, 2008 at 11:50 pm rating: 0
#25 TuesdayPillow
Carver is a whole lot more brilliant than I thought.
Mass destruction from the grave …
Apr 17, 2008 at 3:01 am rating: 0
#26 claw71
I can’t relate to the peanut thing. I don’t have allergies and the people I know who do tend to wear their ailments like a badge of honor. There’s a girl at work who seems to think the green bubbles of snot that form in her nostrils during hay fever season are a unique accessory. There’s another who will sneeze in your face and then justify not covering her mouth because she isn’t contagious. If either of them were allergic to peanuts I think I’d decorate the office Texas Steakhouse style with peanut shells all over the place.
The cast iron issue, however, hits close to home. I have some beautifully seasoned cast iron cookware that I simply adore. They are like children to me and I would kill anybody who would do them harm.
Apr 17, 2008 at 8:36 am rating: +1