and please don’t step on any cracks, either

April 16th, 2008 · 126 comments

after six months of backpacking through australia, my former roommate robin stopped by her mom’s house on long island to unload her giant pack of souvenirs, leftover trail mix, and unwashed underwear. her crucial mistake (besides the basic one: returning back home to mom as an adult)? leaving an unopened can of planter’s peanuts on the floor of her room…within sight of her mom, who is, um, deathly allergic to peanuts.

the note she left was simple enough, but for robin, the subtext was clear: “what, you’ve been back one day, and already you’re trying to kill me?”

and please do not step on any cracks, either

“honestly, i’m pretty surprised she didn’t add in ‘…OR I WILL DIE!!!’ at the end,” says robin. “but the dirty looks i got from my stepdad the rest of the day basically said as much.” after getting a very thorough talking-to the next day about the finer points of washing cast-iron cookware, she decided it was definitely time to get her own place.

related: cleaning party!

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FILED UNDER: food · moms & dads · new york · pleasantries as afterthought

126 responses so far ↓

  • #1  scone

    Even though Plavix isn’t for allergies, the medical post it note added a nice touch. It nicely underlined the “are you trying to kill me?” vibe.

    Apr 16, 2008 at 5:50 pm   rating: +2  

     
  • #2  KittyKat

    I don’t know, I think if I was deathly allergic to something, I’d be a bit more hostile than just saying “Please Do Not Eat.”

    Team Moms don’t get no respect!

    Apr 16, 2008 at 5:52 pm   rating: +4  

     
  • #3  secondsout

    Please do not eat in the house. We have left a bowl of your kibble, plus a bowl of water out on the back porch.

    And stop crapping in the house, too!

    Apr 16, 2008 at 5:53 pm   rating: +4  

    • #3.1  KittyKat

      Yeah, use the trash can at the post office like everyone else! Or the urinals! Or the showers at the gym!

      Apr 16, 2008 at 5:54 pm   rating: +1  

       
    • #3.2  secondsout

      Perhaps we should start a poll. Toilets aside, the ideal place to poop would be:

      A. Thrift store fitting room
      B. Post Office trash can
      C. Gym shower
      D. Somewhere else totally inappropriate?

      Apr 16, 2008 at 5:57 pm   rating: 0  

       
    • #3.3  Lorrie

      You’d have to talk to Anytime Stan.

      Apr 16, 2008 at 6:04 pm   rating: +2  

       
    • #3.4  anglophile

      E. Large potted plant in hotel lobby?

      Apr 16, 2008 at 7:25 pm   rating: +5  

       
    • #3.5  Bellabeastie

      Part of me wants to ask……

      Nah, better not go there……..

      Apr 16, 2008 at 7:36 pm   rating: +1  

       
    • #3.6  Bellabeastie

      Alright, alright. Who, may I ask, is Anytime Stan?

      Apr 16, 2008 at 7:56 pm   rating: 0  

       
    • #3.7  Wade

      An all time PAN favorite, LOL.

      Anytime Stan

      Apr 16, 2008 at 8:10 pm   rating: +1  

       
    • #3.8  Bellabeastie

      LOLOLOL…. Thanks, Wade. :)

      Apr 16, 2008 at 8:39 pm   rating: 0  

       
    • #3.9  VegasBarbie

      F. Dormitory elevator….

      That was a favorite when I was in college too many years ago to count….

      EEK! I’m old!!!!!

      Apr 16, 2008 at 9:53 pm   rating: 0  

       
     
  • #4  KittyKat

    Also, those death-causing peanuts were effin delicious!

    Apr 16, 2008 at 5:53 pm   rating: 0  

     
  • #5  Lorrie

    Notice both the “please” and “thanks” are in lowercase - total afterthoughts. This means, mom was really irritated when she first wrote the note, and then thought about it and added to it later. This is a twice p/a note! Ah… mom.

    Apr 16, 2008 at 6:03 pm   rating: +4  

     
  • #6  marcopuffin

    not the gentlest of home comings but can understand her terror of instant death. Perhaps she should have gone for something more P and less A like: “I want to keep living long enough to see your 50,000 photos of the outback, honey!”

    Apr 16, 2008 at 6:19 pm   rating: +3  

     
  • #7  summer

    Or, maybe mom should stop eating things she finds on the floor, stray peanuts could be anywhere at anytime, I call this high-risk behavior.

    Apr 16, 2008 at 6:23 pm   rating: +2  

     
  • #8  Bellabeastie

    The effin peanuts aren’t even effin OPEN !

    Where does Mom suggest she eat? In the effin garage? The Australian outback must seem pretty welcoming compared to this.

    Apr 16, 2008 at 6:39 pm   rating: +1  

    • #8.1  RunBarbara

      I won’t let my husband eat pho in the house, the smell makes me effin upchuck. I make him eat it in his car because I am a heartless, demanding shrew with a sensitive nose.

      Apr 16, 2008 at 10:28 pm   rating: +2  

       
    • #8.2  bitch please

      Are you freakin’ kidding me? Have you ever met someone allergic to peanuts? They will kill me, even the smell of them. So although they may not be open, they potentially could have been at some point and consumed within a house that is peanut free. That’s not cool. The note was merely a reminder had the hot Aussie sun fried a few of Robin’s brain cells.

      So get off your bloody high horse for a moment and realise that not everyone is as perfect as you.

      And for your information, you may have not noticed this already with your head being jammed so far up your arse, I’m Australian. Note the above non-bastardised spelling of “realise”. But yes, not all of Australia is “the outback”.

      Apr 21, 2008 at 8:30 am   rating: 0  

       
     
  • #9  HyperJen

    I’m allergic! NO ONE CAN EAT ANYTHING IN THE HOUSE OR I WILL DIE!

    crazy mom logic ftw!

    Apr 16, 2008 at 6:46 pm   rating: +2  

     
  • #10  Ben

    I wonder if mom even approached the death causing peanut jar or employed the surly step dad to tape the note to the lid - after-which he had to undergo a vigorous decontamination process.

    Apr 16, 2008 at 6:50 pm   rating: +2  

     
  • #11  kalieris

    This is pretty much the strategy I suspect I will employ with my son, should he prove unwilling to leave home in a timely fashion. He’s already hinted he wants me within driving distance of college so he can easily drop off laundry (although he is 80% joking, it’s that 20% total seriousness that scares me). My other PA tactics will include not having anywhere for him to sleep, and not owning a television. I’ll be lucky to get occasional phonecalls at this rate. Mwahahaha….

    Apr 16, 2008 at 6:51 pm   rating: +7  

    • #11.1  KittyKat

      Oooo, I’ve got to remember the no-television thing. I figure my son will be with us ’til he’s at least 35.

      Apr 17, 2008 at 9:23 am   rating: +1  

       
    • #11.2  mamason

      I’ve had the “pleasure” of both of my grown children moving back in. My daughter brought along a husband and a baby.
      I thought I had perfected the art of passive/aggressively making my home the least desireable option, but this mom has taken it to a whole new level! *wipes a tear*
      God bless her!

      Apr 17, 2008 at 12:12 pm   rating: 0  

       
    • #11.3  claw71

      He’s not 80% joking. Not only will he bring his laundry over for you to do, he’ll sneak other people’s clothes in there too. He’ll trade your laundry services for beer. And you won’t even notice it until you end up elbow deep in a pile of shit-stained size 48 BVDs that belong to the frat brother everybody calls The Girth.

      Send him to college far away and while he’s gone get into the swinger scene so on his next visit he’ll walk in on a bunch of naked old people having group sex. That will teach him to limit his visits and call ahead.

      Apr 17, 2008 at 1:02 pm   rating: +4  

       
    • #11.4  kalieris

      That is unfortunately what I had suspected.

      I think, rather than sending him to college far away, I’ll make good on my threat to get one of those tiny little Tumbleweed houses and start a commune in Alaska. Free love and grizzly bears!

      Apr 17, 2008 at 1:17 pm   rating: 0  

       
    • #11.5  unholyghost2003

      No, if he goes to school close just start “Dropping By” campus. Not only will he want to see less of you but he might even transfer farther away.

      Apr 17, 2008 at 1:31 pm   rating: 0  

       
     
  • #12  lue

    In Mom’s defense…she probably didn’t have to eat the peanuts to have a reaction. 2 of my students have peanut allergies and they are very severe. They are not supposed to be near other students who are eating peanut butter and can have a reaction just from the “fumes” etc. Umm I had to watch a video about this at work and now I am passing the information along to you people.

    So yeah, I can understand Mom being somewhat pissed. I feel the note shows remarkable restraint.

    Apr 16, 2008 at 7:01 pm   rating: +4  

    • #12.1  tinkerbell2

      I agree, team Mom. If somone with a severe allergy flies, they’re meant to ask the plane crew not to even serve peanuts on the plane in case peanut dust gets in the air as it recirculates through the cabin.

      Apr 17, 2008 at 8:13 am   rating: 0  

       
    • #12.2  Alix

      I’m genuinely confused. If the daughter just eats them out of the jar, is it really a danger to the mom? And, if they’re so dangerous to the mom, isn’t even getting close enough to the jar to leave the note risky for her? Of course, she could have written it and handed it to step dad to place I suppose.

      Apr 18, 2008 at 5:47 pm   rating: 0  

       
     
  • #13  unholyghost2003

    I kept looking for the word “these” I was expecting it to say “please DO NOT EAT THESE IN THE HOUSE thanks mom”

    but no, no Mom wants her to STARVE or MOVE. I say, get your own place and eat peanuts and peanut based products EVERYDAY!

    Apr 16, 2008 at 7:05 pm   rating: +1  

    • #13.1  Canthz_B

      She can even nickname her first born child “Peanut” so Grandma can’t get a bear hug.

      Apr 16, 2008 at 11:59 pm   rating: +1  

       
    • #13.2  tinkerbell2

      not to sound too much like i AM her Mom, but I think the ‘these’ is implicit - if there was a sign on a door saying ‘Push’ you’d know it meant ‘Push the door’, right? If there was a sign on something saying ‘Do not touch’ you’d know it meant ‘Do not touch this thing’?

      Apr 17, 2008 at 8:15 am   rating: +2  

       
    • #13.3  unholyghost2003

      Sorry tinkerbell2, that only cuts the mustard with me when signs are attached with something more permanent than the dubious adhesive on free sticky notes. One stiff breeze and the note has laminated itself to the counter 3′ away from the can of nuts. The inclusion of a “these” would at least tell the note recipient that the note was attached to something SPECIFIC rather than being just a general statement.

      Apr 17, 2008 at 8:26 am   rating: 0  

       
    • #13.4  Lorelie

      Grandma probably couldn’t even come in the house. There might be fumes.

      Apr 17, 2008 at 8:26 am   rating: 0  

       
     
  • #14  damon

    Team Freeloading Daughter on this one. People who are allergic to peanuts fail as a member of the human race. Peanuts are effin delicious!

    Apr 16, 2008 at 7:13 pm   rating: +2  

    • #14.1  reverend dick

      Yesss. I was completely on Mom’s team, thinking the daughter is a thoughtless, selfish bitch until this made me see the truth.

      Apr 16, 2008 at 9:49 pm   rating: 0  

       
    • #14.2  RunBarbara

      That anaphylactic shock was ‘effin delicious.

      Apr 16, 2008 at 10:27 pm   rating: 0  

       
    • #14.3  mamason

      If you can be killed by a peanut then maybe you should take the hint! 8-O

      Team Survival of the Fittest/Natural Selection!
      ;-)

      Apr 17, 2008 at 12:20 pm   rating: 0  

       
     
  • #15  john

    Even though the combination of words on the freebie pharmaceutical notepad don’t say it, I think we all agree that the underlying message is
    ‘I spent 22 hours in hard labor giving birth to you, raise you to be a good girl and pay for your college education just so you could bring home your dirty underwear after sleeping with who knows how many Australian men and now you want my throat to swell up so I suffocate in the very room that I gave you your first training bra?! Thanks, Mom’

    Apr 16, 2008 at 8:50 pm   rating: +5  

     
  • #16  leighann

    cleaning cast iron cookwear is no joke… i support mom on this one

    Apr 16, 2008 at 8:59 pm   rating: +5  

    • #16.1  mamason

      People who use and love cast iron know that you don’t clean it, you “treat” it. *thanks dad*

      Apr 17, 2008 at 12:24 pm   rating: 0  

       
     
  • #17  hoopla

    Not often do you see a life-or-death PA note. This is a class unto itself.

    Apr 16, 2008 at 9:08 pm   rating: +2  

     
  • #18  ginger_t

    I think the semantics are getting misconstrued. This IS shorthand for “Please don’t eat [these] in the house.” And believe me, I’ve got a wench of a mothers, so I’m the first to defend anyone against a wench of a mother. Plus, really, they have peanut free lunches at schools because airborne particles are issues for those allergic, so this just does not cut it as passive aggressive to me. Backpacker chick is just bummed at being at home, and who wouldn’t after 6 months rockin’ a backpack and hopefully havin’ flings with hot aussies …

    Apr 16, 2008 at 9:53 pm   rating: +2  

    • #18.1  tinkerbell2

      ah. I just posted this as a response above before seeing this. Well said.

      Apr 17, 2008 at 8:17 am   rating: +1  

       
    • #18.2  Lorelie

      What’s p/a about it is that even though daughter’s been gone for six months, we can presume mom did not develop this severe a reaction in that time. So daughter knows already if she can eat the peanuts in the house. Making the note read (including subtext) “Please don’t eat in the house — since you hated us enough to leave for six months, surely you don’t remember my mortality.”

      Apr 17, 2008 at 8:31 am   rating: +2  

       
     
  • #19  se

    I’m wondering if the peanuts themselves are a PA message. you know
    ” mom, I’m back, don’t mess with me. or else…”

    Apr 16, 2008 at 10:19 pm   rating: +4  

     
  • #20  Sarah

    Where the hell is the clip art? Everyone knows you can’t take PA notes seriously without clip art!

    Apr 16, 2008 at 10:22 pm   rating: 0  

     
  • #21  RunBarbara

    Team Eat In The Yard, You Jet-setting Whore!
    Dude, have you seen Mr. Peanut? He can amble around with a monocle and cane looking like he’s about to tap dance, what makes you think he couldn’t hop right into her peanut-free kitchen and roll around on everything?

    Apr 16, 2008 at 10:25 pm   rating: +2  

    • #21.1  Steph

      Okay, this one? Actually made me do a teeny little spittake.

      Signed,
      Joining Team Eat in the Yard, You Jet-setting Whore!

      Apr 17, 2008 at 7:28 pm   rating: +1  

       
     
  • #22  Canthz_B

    I die a little each time Lucy pulls the football away from Charlie Brown’s kick-off attempt.

    Apr 16, 2008 at 11:46 pm   rating: +3  

     
  • #23  TuesdayPillow

    So uh, mom can’t even be AROUND peanuts? Weakling!

    Also, I am sure that after a long trip back from Australia the daughter was just a little hazy and was more concerned about sleeping, unpacking, seeing friends, etc.

    How about HEY HONEY I LOVE YOU AND ARE SO GLAD TO SEE YOU JUST REMEMBER I AM ALLERGIC TO DA PEANUTS, OK? LOVE YA!

    Apr 16, 2008 at 11:50 pm   rating: +1  

     
  • #24  Canthz_B

    Peanut-free airplanes and school lunches?
    We must be in the end of days. For the life of me I don’t remember peanuts being deadly when I was a child.
    Next up will be oxygen allergies.
    I mean really, if you can’t handle peanuts, do you deserve to live?
    Time to thin the herd. :twisted:

    Apr 16, 2008 at 11:50 pm   rating: 0  

    • #24.1  Troy McClure

      Maybe we’re not getting weaker; maybe it’s the peanuts who are getting stronger.

      Apr 17, 2008 at 12:03 am   rating: +4  

       
    • #24.2  Canthz_B

      Mutant Ninja Peanuts, Geo. Washington Carver’s secret WMD!!

      Apr 17, 2008 at 12:07 am   rating: +1  

       
    • #24.3  unholyghost2003

      I had a friend who was allergic to peanuts and SOY … Who the fuck is allergic to SOY? They are now even using soy as building insulation … so now she can’t live in any building built in the last 5 years w/o first getting a definitive answer as to ALL of the building materials.

      Apr 17, 2008 at 8:20 am   rating: 0  

       
    • #24.4  claw71

      Think about it.

      It’s always white people who get these weird food allergies. Have you ever heard of a black person being allergic to peanuts?

      Now that could be because every time a brother dies white people blame drive by shootings, but maybe…just maybe…George Washington Craver was setting us up.

      Apr 17, 2008 at 8:42 am   rating: +1  

       
    • #24.5  Mishee

      My friend’s ex-husband was allergic to gluten and iodine (he had to have special salt and everything has gluten in it!) - and then I just discovered last weekend my ex-sister-in-law is allergic to alcohol. I am not so sure about that one - possibly she just had a bad experience? :D

      Apr 17, 2008 at 8:54 am   rating: 0  

       
    • #24.6  unholyghost2003

      The author Augusten Burroughs is allergic to alcohol … and was a raging alcoholic. He claims at the peak of his addiction he was taking 20-30 Benadryl a DAY just to keep up with his 2 gallon a day Vodka habit.

      The gluten thing (celiac disease) is getting more and more common. There is even a gluten free bakery not too far from me.

      Knew a guy who was allergic to WHEAT and a girl ALLERGIC to Dairy (slightly different from lactose intolerance which OTHER friends have) too … I need new friends. It is just too hard to host a dinner party for all these freaks.

      Apr 17, 2008 at 9:04 am   rating: +2  

       
    • #24.7  Quite Contrary

      Mishee: I am “allergic” to alcohol as well. The allergy only seems to show up when I’ve had a lot of alcohol the night before. It’s an amazingly transient allergy!

      Apr 17, 2008 at 11:28 am   rating: 0  

       
    • #24.8  secondsout

      Claw: Chris Rock once pointed out that it’s only in a country like America, where there’s too much food that people actually get allergies to it. “Ain’t nobody in Kenya who’s lactose intolerant!”

      Apr 17, 2008 at 2:48 pm   rating: +2  

       
    • #24.9  Canthz_B

      Just for you, Mishee…Celiac Disease is 579.0 :-D

      UHG, as far as it becoming more common, that is probably a function of better diagnosis:
      “An estimated two million Americans have the disease but an astounding 97 percent go undiagnosed”.
      –Readers Digest, Oct. 2006
      ;-)

      Apr 17, 2008 at 3:55 pm   rating: 0  

       
    • #24.10  Mishee

      What numbers are allergies to penicillin and erythromycin?? Those are the ones that scare me, since they don’t usually adminster peanuts to people in ERs when they are unconscious…

      but that’s just me…

      Apr 17, 2008 at 5:41 pm   rating: 0  

       
    • #24.11  Caitlin

      penicillin allergy here! as well as just about every animal with fur/hair(which means clothes made from animal hair/fur), artificial grape flavoring, the spring-time(plant sex), perfumes and a food sensitivity to eggs. i’ve got more but they would take forever. and each one gives me different symptoms.

      i dare anyone here to beat that…

      Apr 17, 2008 at 11:37 pm   rating: 0  

       
     
  • #25  TuesdayPillow

    Carver is a whole lot more brilliant than I thought.

    Mass destruction from the grave …

    Apr 17, 2008 at 3:01 am   rating: 0  

    • #25.1  Canthz_B

      That’s it in a nut shell! :-D

      Apr 17, 2008 at 11:13 am   rating: +1  

       
     
  • #26  claw71

    I can’t relate to the peanut thing. I don’t have allergies and the people I know who do tend to wear their ailments like a badge of honor. There’s a girl at work who seems to think the green bubbles of snot that form in her nostrils during hay fever season are a unique accessory. There’s another who will sneeze in your face and then justify not covering her mouth because she isn’t contagious. If either of them were allergic to peanuts I think I’d decorate the office Texas Steakhouse style with peanut shells all over the place.

    The cast iron issue, however, hits close to home. I have some beautifully seasoned cast iron cookware that I simply adore. They are like children to me and I would kill anybody who would do them harm.

    Apr 17, 2008 at 8:36 am   rating: +1