Why is it that on this night we’re, like, allowed to eat carbs?

April 20th, 2008 · 47 comments

You gotta love my Grandma Cookie — she’s always looking out for my figure!

Make the matzo balls light!!

(This is why the Seder calls for the drinking of four cups of wine.)

related: too many
extra credit: our stomachs, ourselves [heeb]

FILED UNDER: animated fucking e-card · Grandma · holiday spirit


47 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Canthz_B bang

    My, what tiny animals!

    Apr 20, 2008 at 1:05 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   RALPHY

      True, but they were fucking delicious!

      Apr 20, 2008 at 6:24 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #2   aflirtycatastrophe

    Nothing better than getting an e-card from your grandmother wishing you a Happy Passover and realizing she slipped in a snarky weight comment as well.

    Apr 20, 2008 at 1:16 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #3   Canthz_B bang

    “this is why the seder calls for the drinking of four cups of wine”.

    That’s nothing, after a holiday with my family it’s “take two 40′s and call me in the morning”! :-P

    Apr 20, 2008 at 1:20 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   Elyse

      Make the Colt 45 light!!

      Oct 1, 2008 at 12:54 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #4   Canthz_B bang

    Flammable matzo balls are the fondue of the 21st century!

    Apr 20, 2008 at 1:23 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #5   TuesdayPillow

    I am on a quest for a good matzoh ball recipe, myself. Make them light, eh? Like make them glow or make them cloud-like? You never know what she REALLY meant.

    Apr 20, 2008 at 3:52 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   aaa

      Well, it certainly is plausible to expect your matzo balls to be made with bioluminescent bacteria and lighter-than-air gases mixed in.

      Apr 20, 2008 at 3:38 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #6   marcopuffin bang

    True, classic passive aggression. Haven’t we all had some apparently loving message like this that actually makes us feel far more depressed than before we opened it. I had a birthday card recently from my mum saying “don’t count the years! Enjoy the days!” :(

    Apr 20, 2008 at 5:40 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #7   RALPHY

    Give grandma her due. She “Cared enough to send the very best”, you fat slob! I’d send her a card right back saying “Since your so old, I’m sending this greeting by e-mail instead of U.S. mail.”

    Apr 20, 2008 at 6:20 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #8   Wade bang

    I am pretty sure that after being handled by a rabbit and a mouse, that matso wafer is no longer kosher.

    Apr 20, 2008 at 7:30 am   rating: 14  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   fnord

      Awesome comment, Wade.

      And why not dip the thing in oyster sauce, while we’re at it…

      Apr 21, 2008 at 8:53 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #9   park rose bang

    Happy Passover-Aggressive: A sentiment created for ♥ Kerry ♥ by Cookie and Mike ♥

    Apr 20, 2008 at 7:53 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #9.1   park rose bang

      Thanks to Wade for the fine-tune.

      Apr 20, 2008 at 7:54 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #10   Wade bang

    At this year’s Seder, it won’t just be the herbs that are bitter.

    Apr 20, 2008 at 7:56 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #10.1   amazon bang

      *badumpt ching*

      Apr 20, 2008 at 3:34 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.2   RP

      Dude, you are on FIRE!

      Apr 21, 2008 at 2:48 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #11   ALA bang

    In my family, it would have said “Make the matzo balls light, and maybe you’ll find a husband this year.”

    Apr 20, 2008 at 8:11 am   rating: 14  small thumbs up

     
  • #12   RunBarbara

    Maybe she will get you a gym membership, some Slim Fast and a pair of jeans two sizes too small for Hanukkah .

    Apr 20, 2008 at 9:34 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #13   summer

    Grannies like this one cause eating disorders.

    Apr 20, 2008 at 9:46 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #13.1   RunBarbara

      I wish I still had the note that an ex-boyfriend left me…it was taped to a box of donuts (which I loathe and would not eat anyway) and it said:
      “Don’t eat these they are for my work. I know its hard but just get a banana instead.”
      I would also like to add that I am/was not overweight.
      We broke up shortly after.

      Apr 20, 2008 at 10:00 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #14   Quite Contrary bang

    We need to introduce Cookie to Jake’s mom.

    Apr 20, 2008 at 10:21 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #15   TuesdayPillow

    Is it just me, or are those tiny woodland creatures really STRONG?
    What is IN that matzoh anyways?

    Apr 20, 2008 at 2:55 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #16   poochie bang

    Is this a Jewish thing?

    Apr 20, 2008 at 3:45 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #16.1   unholyghost2003 bang

      The cracker or the suggestions that the young lady is overweight?

      Apr 20, 2008 at 5:12 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.2   poochie bang

      Ohhhhhhhh. It’s a CRACKER!

      Apr 21, 2008 at 8:13 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.3   Mishee bang

      I’m thinkin’ both ugh…

      Apr 21, 2008 at 9:14 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.4   RP

      Wouldn’t a cracker have leavening in it?

      Apr 21, 2008 at 2:47 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.5   unholyghost2003 bang

      yes RP, but likening matzo to a cracker makes it easier to understand for gentiles esp. when they don’t understand what the big rectangular thing with the Star of David on it is on the card.

      Apr 21, 2008 at 2:53 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.6   Quite Contrary bang

      Us gentiles also don’t understand why you can’t eat breaded prawns this week either. What’s up with that?

      Apr 22, 2008 at 4:57 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.7   Mishee bang

      ugh, I didn’t know they were crackers… all this time I thought they were like, dumpling type things.. matzo balls, right?? they like, go in a soup don’t they?? what am I missing???

      Apr 22, 2008 at 4:58 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.8   unholyghost2003 bang

      QC … oh I eat breaded shrimp ALL the time.

      Mishee
      matzo balls are like dumplings, matzo is unleavened bread … you can liken it to how corn meal can be used to make tortillas OR cornmeal popovers

      Apr 22, 2008 at 5:07 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #17   secondsout bang

    Turnabout is fair play. This is when for Hannukah, Grandma gets a tube of denture cream, some adult diapers, and flyers about the ideal casket. Try not to overdo it, though, so you stay in the will.

    Apr 20, 2008 at 7:26 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

     
  • #18   secondsout bang

    In a situation like this, it leaves the question. what would God do? The answer, plagues of locusts, boils, and the murder of firstborn children. This may not work for Kerry, as Grandma’s firstborn could easily be Kerry’s Dad. But then again, revenge is revenge.

    Apr 20, 2008 at 7:31 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #19   Kaysox

    I received a birthday card from my grandma a couple years ago. After some pleasantries she told me that I should get a job because, “that’s how the world works, you know.” Bonus: because we don’t speak often, she didn’t know that I’d been working full time for a month prior to my birthday. Now that I’ve seen this site I wish I’d kept it instead of ripping it to pieces.

    Apr 20, 2008 at 10:19 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #19.1   TuesdayPillow

      Wait, HOW does the world work again? Can I get in touch with your grandma?

      Apr 21, 2008 at 1:28 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #19.2   Kaysox

      From what I gathered, if you aren’t employed your relatives will supply you with endless angst and $30 periodically.

      Apr 21, 2008 at 3:26 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #19.3   Quite Contrary bang

      Wow. You’d been working for a whole month. Musta made Grandma proud.

      Apr 22, 2008 at 4:58 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #20   claw71 bang

    Have yourself a nice healthyPassover
    Make your matzo light
    Use a blender so the matzo comes out right

    Have yourself a nice healthy Passover
    all the seven days
    I hope you took the time to scrub the filth away

    Oy my dear are still single
    will you please mingle
    this year
    You’re not so young, get your self a man
    a nice Jewish man
    my dear

    Have yourself a nice healthy Passover
    no leaven allowed
    buir chametz until sweat forms upon your brow

    And have your self a nice happy Passover, now.

    Apr 21, 2008 at 8:38 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #20.1   poochie bang

      I have seen Awesome, and it’s right above this post.

      Apr 21, 2008 at 9:04 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #21   Set To Evil

    Ofcouse while God was busy striking down the first born of the heathens, he was concerned about the waistlines of his chosen people. Amen!

    Apr 21, 2008 at 2:02 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #22   Robin

    Ha. Oh Cookie. At least yours don’t repeat, “You ARE going to keep doing this once we’re dead, right?” after every prayer.

    Apr 25, 2008 at 3:11 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #23   how i “did” my grandma

    [...] related: why is it on this night we’re like, allowed to eat carbs? [...]

    Sep 30, 2008 at 7:31 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #24   Haley

    I guarantee I would have gotten this if I were Jewish… grandma loves talking about my fat and other perceived flaws

    Oct 24, 2008 at 12:44 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #25   Nonny

    You eat matzo balls on Passover? Aren’t the copious amounts of matzo that already must be eaten enough? Where will the madness end?

    Mar 26, 2009 at 3:05 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #26   definitely not kosher for passover

    [...] related: why is it that on this night we’re, like, allowed to eat carbs? [...]

    Apr 2, 2009 at 5:08 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #27   Your not narmal, Sneeky | PassiveAggressiveNotes.com

    [...] So thanks, Tina, for giving me another reason to avoid what is probably my least-favorite state. (Not that I don’t cherish my time with you in Clearwater, Grandma Cookie!!!) [...]

    May 7, 2011 at 5:51 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     

Comments are Closed