the overly friendly coworker: ruining your day since you held the elevator for her that one time

April 21st, 2008 · 134 comments

homero in portland had just finished heating up his lunch in the office microwave when he returned to his desk to find this “helpful” note (attached to an ad from the local alt-weekly) waiting on his chair. though it’s unsigned, he says he’s pretty sure he knows which coworker left it for him. “she’s kind of socially stunted, but seems to think that a) she’s very funny and b) we’re BFF,” homero says. “um…no.”

the overly friendly coworker: ruining your day since you held the elevator for her that one time

related: wow, indeed

Tags: "helpful" advice · office · portland · smiley

134 responses so far ↓

  • #1  Mishee

    I’ve read the Portland Mirror, I’ve seen the people who live in Portland (I used to ride Tri-Met, that is an experience unto intself!), and I’ve seen Portland businesses - this does not surprise me one bit.

    Apr 21, 2008 at 10:05 am   rating: 0  

    • #1.1  Mishee

      I actually meant Portland Mercury, and was gonna fix it - but then my post got messed up and I was panicking about fixing it and forgot! My bad!

      Apr 21, 2008 at 10:34 am   rating: 0  

       
    • #1.2  ashlock.k

      I live there…. and most of it is just dandy… but i have recently started riding the tri-met max on a regular basis to attend uni classes…. Tri-Met is one of the funniest scary things I have had the “pleasure” to experience.

      Jun 5, 2008 at 3:44 am   rating: 0  

       
     
  • #2  Quite Contrary

    I’m not sure what is worse. The note on your chair from the co-worker-who-thinks-they-are-funny- AND-your friend or the note from your boss that says nothing more than “see me.” Ah, work. And they wonder why I took the day off today.

    Apr 21, 2008 at 10:06 am   rating: +1  

    • #2.1  mere

      UGH, i HATE the ’see me’ notes. why do that? it’s like a control issue. that, and when someone leaves something in my chair. i don’t like coming back from the potty to see a stack of paper in my chair.
      speaking of which, if i came back and saw this note in/on my chair, i would ‘what the fuck?’ out loud and throw it away. then avoid the freak who left it for me for all eternity (or until i transferred).

      Apr 21, 2008 at 11:02 am   rating: 0  

       
    • #2.2  jiggy-j

      What I hate more than the ‘See me’ note is the often ignored ‘See me’ email.

      Apr 21, 2008 at 11:35 am   rating: 0  

       
    • #2.3  Quite Contrary

      Jiggy: Yes! It’s especially annoying when they aren’t around so you write an email asking for their pov on an issue. You provide concise background and options for moving forward. And you get an effin “let’s talk” or “see me.” Well…it’s a little hard WHEN they aren’t here. Which is why you wrote the effin email in the first place.

      I’m clearly not ready to go back to work yet.

      Apr 21, 2008 at 3:32 pm   rating: 0  

       
     
  • #3  Gez

    Team weird friend. Sending this in to PAN is the most PA way of saying that you don’t want to be friends

    Apr 21, 2008 at 10:06 am   rating: +1  

     
  • #4  acolyte

    Nice back hand slap I would say. Either she’s being a wise ass or we really need to see Homero’s hair…

    Apr 21, 2008 at 10:11 am   rating: 0  

    • #4.1  Mishee

      acolyte, maybe like this?

      Apr 21, 2008 at 11:06 am   rating: 0  

       
     
  • #5  kalyke

    Meh. I would be frightened if a friend wannabe left that at my desk. That guy is frightening looking.

    I think this person should find a “find a friend” ad and tape it to the coworkers desk.

    Apr 21, 2008 at 10:17 am   rating: +1  

     
  • #6  zchamu

    What is that thing? Is he shaving a ham hock or something? I’m scared.

    Apr 21, 2008 at 10:18 am   rating: +1  

    • #6.1  Mishee

      It actually looks like a human skull in my opinion…

      Apr 21, 2008 at 10:33 am   rating: +1  

       
    • #6.2  unholyghost2003

      yup, it is a skull. That ad threatens so much more than a bad haircut.

      Hmmm, what makes Homero so sure that the coworker thinks they are friends? For all he knows she is going home at night and talking to her REAL friends saying “Yeah, I totally left a note for that DOUCHE Homo … oops! I mean Homero … letting him know that his hair looks shitty. I mean what GUY uses that much gel? Freak. HELLO we can tell you are going bald, shave it and get over yourself. I can’t believe he STILL takes shit from me! Dumbass.”

      Apr 21, 2008 at 10:45 am   rating: +1  

       
    • #6.3  RunBarbara

      That polaroid looks like a bad, emo Myspace photo.

      Apr 21, 2008 at 12:14 pm   rating: 0  

       
    • #6.4  HelenKate Coggins

      HAHAHA!

      That’s my stylist, Rob! He’s one of the coolest guys in the Portland metro area, and an amazing stylist to boot. He’ll get the biggest kick out of this.

      -HelenKate

      Jun 4, 2008 at 8:42 pm   rating: 0  

       
     
  • #7  anglophile

    Oh, poor thing. She has a crush on him, and this was the best way of flirting with him she could think of. I remember back in first grade, when, in a misguided attempt to flirt with the cutest boy in class, I hit him really hard. The teacher yelled at me and I was so embarrassed!

    Of course, Freddy and I ended up being THE couple of the class until sixth grade, so maybe my technique wasn’t so bad after all….

    Apr 21, 2008 at 10:21 am   rating: +2  

    • #7.1  Lorelie

      Wait, you mean hitting guys isn’t the best way to flirt?
      Crap, that explains all the restraining orders.

      Apr 21, 2008 at 11:32 am   rating: +5  

       
    • #7.2  Sarah

      If she’s leaving PA crush notes, what was wrong with “Do you like me? yes/no”? Why bring Rob into it?

      Apr 21, 2008 at 1:38 pm   rating: 0  

       
     
  • #8  Lorrie

    Still less frightening than finding a pair of scissors next to your head in the morning when you wake up.

    Apr 21, 2008 at 10:28 am   rating: +1  

     
  • #9  Epiphany

    Of course he would be fucking up people’s hair! He doesn’t have any on his head!

    Apr 21, 2008 at 10:39 am   rating: 0  

     
  • #10  Wade

    Is that supposed to be a tongue, or is smiley drooling?

    Apr 21, 2008 at 10:41 am   rating: +2  

    • #10.1  Mishee

      Wade, this is Portland, for all we know it could be an unlit joint!!

      Apr 21, 2008 at 10:46 am   rating: +1  

       
    • #10.2  claw71

      No. It’s a hipster soul patch.

      Apr 21, 2008 at 11:52 am   rating: +3  

       
    • #10.3  unholyghost2003

      like Adnan Ghalib?

      Apr 21, 2008 at 12:09 pm   rating: 0  

       
    • #10.4  Mishee

      dammit ugh, I thought that too, but I refrained from saying it because I was trying to keep Britney references out of the “fucking up your hair” post! :D but it’s all good, cause GMTA…

      Apr 21, 2008 at 12:20 pm   rating: +2  

       
    • #10.5  unholyghost2003

      O.K. I have to say, Homero, if you have a creepy Adnan Ghalib style flavor-saver it is pretty much GUARANTEED that the chick you think is socially stunted and thinks she is your friend ISN’T your friend, she doesn’t even think she is your friend. She doesn’t WANT to be your friend (and she actually IS funny). See, you are too caught up in your hipster asshatery to realize that the WHOLE office thinks you are a tool but she is the only one with the balls to make fun of you to your face. You think she is socially stunted, vaguely creepy, and unfunny … because you are the only one who doesn’t get the joke.

      Apr 21, 2008 at 12:43 pm   rating: +6  

       
    • #10.6  poochie

      I love that. Thank you.

      I spent half of this thread going “aww”, half because I actually thought it was funny, and half because of the cruel way in which Homero dismissed her being a friend in any way. And also, another half because of the mocking. :(

      I mean, the thought couldn’t possibly exist that the recipient is the tool around here…

      GROW A PAIR AND SAY IT TO HER FACE.

      Apr 21, 2008 at 1:23 pm   rating: 0  

       
    • #10.7  Canthz_B

      I’m not a mathematician, but four halves? :???:

      Apr 21, 2008 at 9:59 pm   rating: +2  

       
    • #10.8  GVI

      See what you get when you leave a child behind.

      Apr 21, 2008 at 10:07 pm   rating: +4  

       
     
  • #11  agatha christie

    I love those “I think I’m your friend” friends. The type that traipses around the eight-floor library in search of you when you don’t answer her calls and then when she finds you, asks why you didn’t answer and wants to hang out.

    Apr 21, 2008 at 11:49 am   rating: 0  

    • #11.1  ALA

      There’s a guy in my grad program who thinks we’re friends, so before class starts he tells me about his porn addiction & how prayer isn’t working to cure his problem. (Really? Shocking.)
      Thank god he has no idea what my # is, or where I live, or what I drive…

      Apr 21, 2008 at 1:21 pm   rating: 0  

       
    • #11.2  Set To Evil

      Tell him to pray for more porn, his prayers will definatly be answered!

      Apr 22, 2008 at 1:38 am   rating: 0  

       
     
  • #12  claw71

    So you go by the name “Homero” and you think somebody else has social issues?

    Apr 21, 2008 at 11:51 am   rating: 0  

     
  • #13  claw71

    My name is Homero
    I drive a Camaro
    I wear a mullet each day
    I’ve grown me a moustache
    and a nice little soul patch
    as a little symbol I’m gay.

    Apr 21, 2008 at 12:05 pm   rating: +2  

    • #13.1  ryankh05

      Why AA to AB in one verse?

      Should I put a sylvan learning center advert on your desk?

      haha <3

      Apr 21, 2008 at 8:47 pm   rating: 0  

       
    • #13.2  Canthz_B

      Poetic licence.
      Why did you not capitalize Sylvan Learning Center?

      Haha ♥

      Apr 21, 2008 at 10:08 pm   rating: +2  

       
    • #13.3  ryankh05

      I don’t consider them to be much more than dirt. They have the most annoying plugs on television. Most of which are just a tad bit racist as far as casting. SLC - FTL

      On the other hand, I can’t pass up a good ode to post to not to throw that out there. After all. Why was she reading an alt magazine to get the clipping to leave in the first place? Is he boring and she alternative? Or does he try much to hard to impress others with his locks?

      Of course, the poem itself was bad, not to mention the gay bomb.

      A poem without flow that isn’t a haiku and lacks significant artistic merit isn’t going to pass for poetic license (unless maybe it had more than one verse - then it’d be a nobel try {see rap/punk/pop music (generally speaking.)})

      {is now probably a troll/flamer - and thus sad}

      ps. realistically it wasn’t even from AA to AB - but my effort was lost I guess -_-

      Apr 22, 2008 at 3:53 am   rating: 0  

       
    • #13.4  Canthz_B

      Did you mean “Nobel try” or “noble try”?
      Shouln’t that be “…try too hard…”?

      Did you mean to make an ass of yourself?
      You don’t capitalize your name either, do you consider yourself to be not much more than dirt? Welcome to the club!

      Apr 22, 2008 at 12:52 pm   rating: 0  

       
    • #13.5  Mishee

      How are the Sylvan plugs racist? The one I see all the time is a pretty redheaded white girl… maybe where you live is where all the darker complexioned kids need help, so they adjust their advertising to meet their demographics…

      And as for the alt mag reader… everyone in Portland reads that damn thing.. it’s hilarious, they swear (as you can see), and there are some really funny articles… plus they are just about everywhere in town for free, so it’s good waiting room fare…

      And as for the REST of your post… ummm.. HUH??

      Apr 22, 2008 at 1:08 pm   rating: 0  

       
    • #13.6  unholyghost2003

      also, on the whole Sylvan Racism thing, where do you get that? At least in the commercials in my area they say that the lessons at Sylvan are for kids who need extra help AND for the kids who want to study something that their school doesn’t offer or need a more challenging curriculum. Just watching the commercials we have here I can’t tell if “Jesus” is studying calculus and “Sean” is getting tutored in remedial English or vice versa.

      as far as denying poetic license, artistic license(s) can only be applied to those things YOU consider art? REALLY? Who let you escape MoMA? I mean if you have the definitive answer to “What is art?” shouldn’t you be out in the world judging the art works and destroying the “non-art”?!?

      Apr 22, 2008 at 1:16 pm   rating: +1  

       
    • #13.7  Canthz_B

      The Sylvan commercial that sticks in my mind is of a young white male playing a Gameboy on his bed when his mom comes in angry about his grades. It sticks out to me because she should be checking his homework, not allowing him to play video games.

      As for artistic merit, speaking as a published poet, I don’t know that you are qualified to judge that.

      Apr 22, 2008 at 1:36 pm   rating: 0  

       
    • #13.8  ryankh05

      Really? a gameboy??

      I always see the one inside the center with all the minorities (being taught by white tutors) talking to the camera like they are mentally handicapped.

      Though, to be honest, I’m not really ‘pc’ to pick up on that - until I’ve seen it a few hundred times. But they probably ditched that add - because I haven’t watched tv in years -_-

      Apr 22, 2008 at 3:14 pm   rating: 0  

       
    • #13.9  Canthz_B

      I still don’t see the racism.
      Their paying customers surely are not people without financial wherewithal.
      Also, I’m AA and had mostly White teachers, though we never saw them as “White teachers”, just as teachers.

      It’s “that ad”, BTW. Call Sylvan, you need help. ;-)
      Oh look, there is a chip on your shoulder you have forgotten to brush away.

      Apr 22, 2008 at 3:41 pm   rating: 0  

       
    • #13.10  Crash

      # 13.8
      How do you “always” see that ad if you haven’t watched T.V. in years ???

      Apr 22, 2008 at 4:04 pm   rating: +1  

       
    • #13.11  Mishee

      I personally never saw these ads BEFORE a few years ago… is it possible that maybe you live in a stupider part of the country that needs tutoring more than we do, ryan? (”we” being The Greater San Francisco Bay Area for those of you who do not know…)

      That would explain many things.

      Apr 22, 2008 at 4:49 pm   rating: +1  

       
    • #13.12  claw71

      AA CB? How long have you been sober? I know it’s hard for brothers to stay of the malt liquor so let me be the first to say congratulations.

      If you think those Sylvan ads are racist you should see the flyer I just got from Bob Jones University. I’d be offended but they have a great masters of cross burning program. You just can’t argue with a quality American education.

      Apr 22, 2008 at 5:23 pm   rating: +4  

       
    • #13.13  Canthz_B

      You don’t know the half of it, claw.
      I do wish obstetricians would explain bottle feeding more thoroughly to their minority patients!

      I heard gasoline soaked rag tying 202 is a bitch!!!

      Apr 22, 2008 at 7:12 pm   rating: +1  

       
    • #13.14  ryankh05

      I say years because I didn’t buy cable when I moved to New Jersey from North Carolina two years ago.

      I would def say that NC is a dumber part of the country.

      ps. Grats on sobriety

      Apr 23, 2008 at 12:52 pm   rating: 0  

       
    • #13.15  Canthz_B

      Go back to NC, you are bringing down our proud NJ stats.

      Apr 23, 2008 at 3:46 pm   rating: 0  

       
     
  • #14  RunBarbara

    You need to take action, Homero. Next thing you know there will be an unwrapped pair of European boxers with a note attached that says..“I saw these in my brother’s drawer and thought of you. See you at the water cooler, pal!”

    Apr 21, 2008 at 12:08 pm   rating: +1  

     
  • #15  Set To Evil

    Going to a bald barber is like going to a mechanic who dosen’t own a car.

    Apr 21, 2008 at 12:54 pm   rating: +1  

    • #15.1  unholyghost2003

      except for the whole “There are two barbers in town, one has a shitty hair cut the other has a great hair cut. Which one should you go to?” the answer is the one with the bad hair cut, since it is hard to cut your own hair the one with the crappy hair cut GOT the crappy hair cut from the one with the good hair cut (who in turn got his hair cut from the one with shitty hair).

      Apr 21, 2008 at 1:05 pm   rating: +1  

       
    • #15.2  claw71

      Unless the one with the bad haircut is actually counting on this line of logic and cutting his own hair with a boning knife to sabotage the other barber’s reputation.

      Apr 21, 2008 at 1:15 pm   rating: +1  

       
    • #15.3  secondsout

      That, and I think that if I had to bet, Portland probably has more than one barber.

      Apr 21, 2008 at 1:34 pm   rating: +1  

       
    • #15.4  secondsout

      “Going to a bald barber is like going to a mechanic who doesn’t own a car.”

      This is the statement I once heard about male gynecologists.

      Apr 21, 2008 at 1:35 pm   rating: +4  

       
     
  • #16  secondsout

    In many cities, the hair-cutting industry is dominated by gay men. Rob is threatening to buck that trend and start the wave of scary-looking tattooed freak-show type of barbers.

    Go to get a little off the top, and as long as you’re there, you get your cock pierced, and a set of job-stoppers tattooed across your knuckles that reads, “Mom’s Dead!”

    Apr 21, 2008 at 1:39 pm   rating: 0  

    • #16.1  Mishee

      Actually sout, I wouldn’t doubt it at all if the guy was gay..

      I’ve said it once, I’ll say it a thousand times - anything is possible in Portland, OR. It’s like The Chocolate Factory & The Land of Oz all rolled up into a seamy, rainy, microbrew drinking ball of weird.

      Apr 21, 2008 at 2:08 pm   rating: 0  

       
    • #16.2  secondsout

      True that. This guy would be less the “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” prissy, meticulous gay boy, and more of the scary-looking leather daddy type.

      Apr 21, 2008 at 2:14 pm   rating: 0  

       
     
  • #17  Tatman

    I don’t know about getting my hair cut by a bald guy, but the trimmings were fucking delicious.

    Sorry to steal someone else’s joke, but it’s fucking hilarious!

    Apr 21, 2008 at 2:06 pm   rating: +1  

     
  • #18  Tyler

    One stormy night, Homero comes home after a long day at work. Upon opening his front door he finds his kitchen floor is a little wet; a window is open. Thinking nothing of it he begins to cook dinner. As he begins to gather the ingredients for the rolls he is about to prepare, he realizes he can’t find his flour. “I could have sworn it was in this lower cupboard,” he thinks to himself. Frustrated, he begins searching the entire kitchen, when a hurried knock on the front door echoes throughout the house. “Who could that be? I don’t have any friends,” he says aloud. Reluctantly he goes into the front entry way, and cracks open the door. Suddenly, a push from the other side swings the door open making him lose his balance. In the darkness of the night stood his coworker. “I saw this flour and thought you might find it’s services helpful!” she breathed, in a manical, broken tone. Homero then looked down at what she was carrying. In her hands was the opened, half empty bag of flour from his cupboard….

    Apr 21, 2008 at 2:34 pm   rating: +6  

    • #18.1  Homero

      Tyler, that’s the BEST reply I’ve read all day!

      As for the others, I’m kind of amazed at the things people are inferring based on this one note (which, I’ll point out, doesn’t include any representations or descriptions of my actual appearance–this includes my well-trimmed, non-ironic facial hair and a full head of hair that is neither too messy nor overly-styled).

      This note isn’t the only reason I think this person is socially stunted, however. Among other things, she has a habit of making jokes that are generally known to be offensive and doesn’t seem to get that she’s the only one who’s amused by them. The politics of a small office like ours, however, seem to dictate that the most I can do is not respond to her bad bad jokes and engage her only when necessary for work. If someone can’t infer lack of chummyness from that, then what are they but socially stunted? Don’t get me wrong, from an actual *friend*, this would have been pretty effing funny.

      Oh, and I go by “Homero” because that’s my name. It rhymes w/”Romero” and the H is silent. My parents named me after my Grandfather, and besides that, I like my name because it’s pretty unique and is a great representation of my heritage, of which I am proud. I understand that you probably have a tenuous grasp of US English and little familiarity w/non-western-european cultures, though, so thank you for showing how low the lowest common denominator still is.

      As for the gay jokes: funny, classy AND original! Oh wait, that’s not what I meant! O_0 Seriously, if that’s the most original thing you can come up with by knowing only my name, then you should do yourself a favor and get back in bed before you’re faced w/an important decision requiring complex problem-solving skills.

      As for implied hipsterness: my haircut is not awkwardly asymmetrical, my aforementioned is still not ironic, my t-shirts are appropriately sized, and I don’t wear women’s stretch jeans, sooo…. yeah, not so much.

      Apr 21, 2008 at 3:09 pm   rating: +6  

       
    • #18.2  Mishee

      are you sure you live in Portland then Homero?? Or are we talking about Portland, Maine?

      And as for the gay jokes - I stand beside them no matter what - I’m from the SF Bay Area, and even I think there’s alot of gays in Portland… if the sylish shoe fits… (besides, I am pretty sure I said that Rob is gay, not you… I believe I likened you to Homer Simpson for the name and also your location).

      Apr 21, 2008 at 3:18 pm   rating: +1  

       
    • #18.3  Homero

      Nope, I’m deffo in PDX. Just goes to show what happens when you ASSume. ;o)

      I wasn’t referring specifically to your gay jokes (and yes, there ARE lots of gays in PDX–that’s one of the reasons I like it! :o) ), but there were some pretty dumb ones that were based only on my name.

      As for the Homer Simpson references–also funny, classy and original!! Oh wait…! ;o)

      Apr 21, 2008 at 3:26 pm   rating: +2  

       
    • #18.4  unholyghost2003

      O.K. I previously resisted … but now that you are dissing The Simpsons references and Mishee…

      Homero … we don’t KNOW YOU sweetheart. We don’t know the context of the note other than the snippit YOU provided. The whole THING in the PAN Comments is to make jokes. We make up a larger context in which to play out said jokes. My “Homo/Homero” comment was the imaginary dialog of an imaginary bitchy coworker who dislikes you.

      You reply to the comments has been to insult the folks here rather than 1) have a little chuckle at yourself 2) simply clear up some confusion about the back story. (Like simply giving some examples of HOW the coworker is socially stunted without acting like WE are just assholes who should have known just to take your word for it (refer back to how we don’t know you and therefor don’t know that what you say is true))

      Sorry, after your response I am going to stick with Homero is an uppity asshat who can’t laugh at himself.

      Apr 21, 2008 at 3:47 pm   rating: +4  

       
    • #18.5  poochie

      Yeah, right mate. Tell you what, for a fair and balanced - like your facial hair, apparently - opinion, point her to this and ask her to give her side of the story.

      YOU think she’s socially stunted. Get the rest of the office to chip in, eh? Otherwise you’re just… well, see many many posts above.

      Better still, leave her a PA note. After all, you obviously can’t say this to her face…

      Apr 21, 2008 at 3:53 pm   rating: 0