He died for your clip art

April 28th, 2008 · 67 comments

I really thought it couldn’t get more egregious than this clip-art catastrophe from a church in Boston (left), which made this one (right) look downright tasteful in comparison.

this clip art must be stopped

But then, at a friend’s recent wedding, Carey in Northern Virginia spotted this note — complete with that same punchy little yellow smiley — on several doors of the church. (There are more than one, I suppose, so that when you do a double-take and ask yourself “Wait…did they really just go there?” you can rest assured that yes, they really did.)

Jesus DIED for you. Please silence your cell phone pager for Him before entering. Thank you!

The kicker? Before the service started, Carey says, “We spotted the priest up near the altar — chatting on his Razr.”

Meanwhile in guatemala, Boingboing‘s Xeni Jardin spotted a sign one might consider either more or less blasphemous depending on whether you’re a follower of Christ or of the principles of good design

 "TO TALK WITH GOD/YOU DON'T NEED A CELLPHONE/TURN IT OFF PLEASE"

(translation: “TO TALK WITH GOD/YOU DON’T NEED A CELLPHONE/TURN IT OFF PLEASE”)

And if you’re of a faith that prefers to talk directly to God’s intermediaries, you might prefer the approach of this Guatemalan church also documented by Xeni:

"Talk to me personally, I [will] listen to you. You do not need a cellphone. Yours truly, GOD."

“Talk to me personally,
I [will] listen to you.
You do not need a cellphone.
Yours truly,
GOD.”

related: Stop! In the name of clip art

extra credit: Crummy church signs

FILED UNDER: cell phone · clip art catastrophe · Espanol · Guatemala · guilt trip · Jesus · most popular notes of 2008 · Northern Virginia · Virginia · you're like so going to hell


67 responses so far ↓

  • #1   zchamu bang

    Well shite. Who have I been spending $0.99 a minute calling then? He totally said he was God. But I did wonder what was going on when he asked what I was wearing.. I mean, shouldn’t God know that?

    Apr 28, 2008 at 5:53 pm   rating: 66  small thumbs up

     
  • #2   anglophile bang

    Look, I really appreciate the everlasting salvation deal and all, but would it really kill Him to hook me up with a sweet cellular contract?

    Apr 28, 2008 at 5:59 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #3   Mishee bang

    But who wants to talk to Jesus on the phone anyways? He’s kinda boring, always talking about the same subject, telling me to drink his blood and taste his body… I swear that guy is hitting on me sometimes! And he babbles on for like, ever and runs up my anytime minutes! That’s when I start putting all of his calls through to voicemail.

    Apr 28, 2008 at 5:59 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   secondsout bang

      Hitting on you? Please, don’t fool yourself. He’s seen you naked enough times he’s over it.

      Apr 28, 2008 at 9:49 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.2   Mishee bang

      Don’t you realize that’s why he’s been hitting on me?

      Apr 29, 2008 at 8:55 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #4   Mishee bang

    Would Jesus Talk On a Cellphone During Church?

    You bet your sweet ass he would! It’s his house!!

    Apr 28, 2008 at 6:09 pm   rating: 16  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   soulofaqua

      Would he not use his housephone if he is at home?

      Apr 29, 2008 at 12:25 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.2   Mishee bang

      He probably has that T-Mobile HotSpot at home thing…

      That’s just something He would do.

      Apr 29, 2008 at 1:19 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #5   Canthz_B bang

    This would not be a problem if Jesus had read the fine print in his two year cell phone contract!

    Apr 28, 2008 at 6:15 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   Canthz_B bang

      That’s a lot of Denarii on a two thousand year old credit report!
      Put your money in the pan when it comes past you!!!

      Apr 28, 2008 at 7:16 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #6   Canthz_B bang

    Do you really want God to show up as a “missed call” on your cell phone?

    Apr 28, 2008 at 6:23 pm   rating: 27  small thumbs up

     
  • #7   Canthz_B bang

    But Pastor, don’t you remember the Hymn…“When He calls me, I will answer”?

    Apr 28, 2008 at 6:29 pm   rating: 17  small thumbs up

     
  • #8   Quite Contrary bang

    Is the Walmart greeter actually gagging? Again, who thinks this clip art up?

    Apr 28, 2008 at 6:30 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #9   Canthz_B bang

    Damn-it! You’re the one who told me to “Heed His call!” Make up your mind for Heaven’s sake!!

    Apr 28, 2008 at 6:32 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #10   Mishee bang

    There are somethings that CafePress makes you just wonder about…

    This is one came up under a google of “jesus cell phone” – apparently he is cradled in Mary’s arms holding a cell phone…

    http://www.cafepress.com/virgin_mary.15830478

    Apr 28, 2008 at 6:39 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #10.1   Pajibill

      Thanks Mishee–

      When I clicked on the link to the Mary & Jesus thong, there’s a banner across the top that says “Last chance to ship economy for delivery by Mother’s Day!”

      Mom will be so surprised…

      Apr 28, 2008 at 7:09 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.2   bellabeastie

      Holy Underwear Batman!

      “Suitable for tossing onstage at your favorite rockstar”…?

      Wow. So wrong in so many ways.
      But tooooo effin funny.

      Team Gotta Run & Answer the Batphone, Got Jesus On the Line

      Apr 28, 2008 at 7:29 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.3   aaa

      For some reason, I don’t think anything relating to the Virgin Mary would be a good “surprise message with someone special.”

      Apr 28, 2008 at 10:32 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #11   Canthz_B bang

    Sign #2: DEEP…Jesus uses a phone number!!
    Is there a Yellowbook among the books of the Bible, or is He only in the White Pages?

    Apr 28, 2008 at 6:39 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   bellabeastie

      “White pages”? CB? LOL!!

      We all know Jesus Got Soul. Why else would the one-gloved Smiley be cryin’ into his cellie?

      Because He Died For Us and He Won’t Pick Up

      Apr 28, 2008 at 8:57 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #12   Andrew

    Taking the lord’s name in vain much?

    ;)

    Apr 28, 2008 at 6:48 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #13   se

    wow, do people really answer their cell phones in church? Do they change the ring tone to “When the saints go marching in”?

    Apr 28, 2008 at 6:56 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #13.1   anglophile bang

      er, mine already is. :oops:

      Apr 28, 2008 at 7:01 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #13.2   Quite Contrary bang

      A friend texted me, quite frequently I might add, from Yom Kippor services. Clearly, he didn’t understand what atonement meant.

      Apr 28, 2008 at 8:02 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #13.3   Mishee bang

      I’m thinking Amazing Grace would be more appropriate…

      Apr 28, 2008 at 9:11 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #13.4   aaa

      Naw, they change it to “The Number of the Beast.”

      Apr 28, 2008 at 10:56 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #14   TootsNYC

    I’m the organist at my church, and I cracked up a few months ago when the guy who was subbing for our regular pastor had his cell phone go off during communion.

    It was set to a loud, lively jazz tune.

    Apr 28, 2008 at 7:01 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   honeyedhemlock bang

      I suppose that’s better than, “Who Let the Dogs Out?”

      Apr 29, 2008 at 7:50 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #15   Canthz_B bang

    When I go to Church I have people call me at certain times so I can speak in tongues!
    The congregants never know whether to stop me or to bless me!

    Apr 28, 2008 at 7:04 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #15.1   secondsout bang

      Speaking in tongues… It’s like Christian Tourette’s.

      Apr 28, 2008 at 9:34 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.2   Canthz_B bang

      It’s in tongues. How sure can you be that it is Christian at all? Just saying…could be any tongue the congregants find uninteligible. People speak in tonges around me nearly everyday, I think they call it Hip-Hop! :-)

      Apr 28, 2008 at 10:24 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #16   zenvelo

    #1 zchamu, don’t you mean “shi`ite”? you can use a cell phone at the mosque, five times a day! just make sure it has a GPS so you know you’re facing Mecca!

    Apr 28, 2008 at 7:15 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #16.1   Canthz_B bang

      You can tell because it points to an image of The Prophet? No, can’t be! :shock:

      Apr 28, 2008 at 7:23 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #17   Lorrie

    The Church: guilting you out of all of life’s fun since The Inquisition. True blasphemy – using the name of the Lord to pursue your own agenda. God probably couldn’t care less about cell phone use in church. The pastor isn’t even paying attention anymore.

    Apr 28, 2008 at 8:16 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #17.1   secondsout bang

      Yeah, no shit. These days, the church is lucky to have anyone in it.

      Apr 28, 2008 at 9:35 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #18   Wade bang

    Beeping, Lord, we have heard Thee txting, “cmon, go w/ mi”
    And we hear when Thy phone call’s ringing, “don’t dare mute Me”
    Ringtones of Jesus, that make my iPhone glow
    We should answer the call from Jesus… but signs say no

    Apr 28, 2008 at 8:29 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

     
  • #19   amazon bang

    For some reason, the Lolcat Bible seems appropriate about now.

    http://www.lolcatbible.com

    “At start, no has lyte. An Ceiling Cat sayz, i can haz lite? An lite wuz”

    Amen.

    Apr 28, 2008 at 8:58 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

     
  • #20   Lorrie

    Yea, though I walk through the Valley of no Signal, I fear no evil, for I have Cingular. Thy bars and clear tone, they comfort me. For thine is the ringtone and the vibrations forever. Amen.

    Apr 28, 2008 at 8:59 pm   rating: 20  small thumbs up

    • #20.1   se

      that actually has the makings of a great commercial

      Apr 28, 2008 at 9:09 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.2   Canthz_B bang

      Or a “Word!” Of The Day!!

      Apr 28, 2008 at 10:30 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.3   GhostWriter bang

      It might have been perfect, if not for the fact that Cingular was bought by AT&T, and no longer exists.

      Apr 29, 2008 at 9:15 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.4   Mishee bang

      Actually, GW, http://www.cingular.com still takes you to your account page, and the commercials say it is Cingular, the New AT&T so I would think Cingular is still okay to use…

      And who knows how long it will stay that way, it may become Cingular offically again tomorrow for all we know… That’s why I never started calling Albertsons by their name, I just stuck to Lucky and now they are back to that name again, so it all worked out! :)

      Ahhh, I love the smell of mergers & acquisitions in the morning…!

      Apr 29, 2008 at 10:03 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.5   Lorrie

      Alas, it is AT & T now, totally forgot.

      And in hindsight, it should have been – “I fear no dropped call.”

      Apr 29, 2008 at 12:43 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.6   Lorrie

      But my phone still says Cingular….

      Apr 29, 2008 at 1:35 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #21   secondsout bang

    Does anyone else like the mullet with peroxide frosting that Jesus is wearing in the 2nd pic? Now, say, is that a typical haircut for a Red Sea pedestrian, or does this Jesus look somehow really European?

    Apr 28, 2008 at 9:41 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #22   secondsout bang

    Anyone else wonder what the priest was chatting about on his Razr?

    “…yeah, the altar boys today are fugly. Christ almighty! Get caught once jerking off in the confessional while the nuns are asking for penance, and you get stuck in the worst parishes for the rest of your life. I swear, if it weren’t for all the communion wine, I’d have quit and become a porn film director years ago.”

    Apr 28, 2008 at 9:46 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #23   aaa

    What would Jesus do? He would be on his iPhone with Buddha and Moses ‘cuz he knows that going to church totally blows.

    Apr 28, 2008 at 10:29 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #24   aaa

    P.S.

    Is this not the shit?

    http://mcphee.com/items/11537.html

    Apr 28, 2008 at 10:29 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #24.1   DirtyOldLady bang

      It’s the glow-in-the-dark Miracle Hands that make it really awesome. :D

      Apr 29, 2008 at 7:44 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #25   Canthz_B bang

    I’ll accept you as my personal saviour when you pay your half of this cell phone bill, Jesus! And stop the “Gee-sus” crap, I met your sorry ass in Tijuana!!

    Apr 28, 2008 at 10:39 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #26   Canthz_B bang

    Forgive them, Father. They care not what they spew! Besides, you could be a Hellava, I mean, a Righteous P/A dude yourself, Pops!

    Apr 28, 2008 at 10:44 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #27   zombieBlanco bang

    Perhaps the more righteous amongst us should print up a more churchy version of these:

    http://www.glarkware.com/productcart/pc/viewPrd.asp?idcategory=5&idproduct=2095

    That, or just attack church-attending cell-phone users with our bibles.

    Apr 28, 2008 at 11:59 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #28   TuesdayPillow

    Wait.
    Jesus died for me.
    ME.
    Me personally.
    So is it just MY cell phone that needs to be silenced?

    Apr 29, 2008 at 2:21 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #29   ian in hamburg

    Those are brilliant. You know that soon it will be possible to yack-yack-yack-yack on your cellphone from your seat on the plane? Ryanair is rolling it out really soon, others bound to follow. Another reason to hate flying.

    Apr 29, 2008 at 2:48 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #30   claw71 bang

    With GOD being all powerful and everyhting why don’t we stow the signs and let HIM handle it?

    Apr 29, 2008 at 8:31 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #31   RALPHY

    Well–since God, in his infinite wisdom, gave us the ability to invent cell phones and preachers, I consider the phone to be an interesting and welcome diversion in church. What better way to spead the “Word”. —just saying

    Apr 29, 2008 at 9:26 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #32   GhostWriter bang

    Interesting cultural note: In Guatemala, gigantic beehives, gathered from the Sierra Madre mountains, are converted to places of worship by covering them with a paste similar to Elmer’s glue. Because of the amplification properties of honeycomb structures, cell phones are not permitted inside.

    Apr 29, 2008 at 9:45 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #32.1   unholyghost2003 bang

      *GROAN* “CELL PHONES” boo!

      Apr 29, 2008 at 10:00 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #33   Sarah bang

    The Spanish sign would have been so much better if they made it a haiku.

    Apr 29, 2008 at 10:46 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #34   GhostWriter bang

    Sanford is a respectful, frequent churchgoer, and can really belt out a Perry Como version of “The Lord’s Prayer”.

    He’s still waiting to hear back from his agent, but I fear he missed his calling.

    Apr 29, 2008 at 10:50 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #35   claw71 bang

    Our father who art in Heaven,
    prefers phones on vibrate
    And texting done,
    from anyone
    will not be answered until seven
    Do not leave the blue tooth on your head
    and no down loading hot asses
    Even if Kim Kardashian’s ass is ready for us
    And don’t answer that pocket vibration
    because it’s rude and evil
    For mine is a Razr, on full power and it’s shiny
    forver. Amen.

    Apr 29, 2008 at 11:08 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

     
  • #36   Deanna

    This reminds me of the appalling, yet amusing, floral arrangement that I’ve seen more than once at funerals here in the south. It has a plastic telephone in the middle and a glitter festooned ribbon that reads (for instance) “Jesus Called. Deanna Answered.”

    I’ll be SO disappointed if none of my friends know me well enough to send one to MY funeral!

    Apr 29, 2008 at 1:32 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #37   MJ

    Your website made me laugh ’til I cried!!! Love it. I linked you on my blog.

    Apr 29, 2008 at 2:23 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #38   Heidi

    What is with the smiliy face frenching the phone like the old Freddy Kreugar movie?? Scary!

    Apr 29, 2008 at 4:00 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #39   Ben

    I love how the angry one handed Wal-mart clip art has a circle with a red line through it. Just in case anyone is confused and they think it’s telling them to talk.

    Although to me it looks like the clip art is telling people not to swallow their cell phones’ while sweating profusely.

    Apr 29, 2008 at 6:22 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #40   Clip art: unsafe at any speed | PassiveAggressiveNotes.com

    [...] related: He died for your clip art. [...]

    Oct 26, 2010 at 5:38 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #41   It’s not just God who’s watching you… | PassiveAggressiveNotes.com

    [...] related: He died for your clip art [...]

    Jul 17, 2011 at 10:17 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     

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