with finals and thesis deadlines coming up, stress levels among grad students at uc-berkeley have been running high (which means attention to the finer points of, say, apostrophe use, are running low). and now there’s a lunch thief on the loose!
sadly, says our submitter, the note’s multi-pronged approach (guilt, threats, helpful advice) seems to have had no effect; the lunch thief remains at large. the next course of action? “we’re considering planting laxative-laced desserts.”
related: it must have been a pretty big bite
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139 responses so far ↓
#1 Furu
I wonder if the police have a good laugh about this, or do they just get annoyed.
May 14, 2008 at 2:35 am rating: 0
#2 zombieBlanco
Holy Unborn Genuises Batman! A Penal Code Violation!
May 14, 2008 at 2:57 am rating: +18
#3 park rose
Not only are our students hungry and cash-strapped, but they’re stupid too. However, even from the bodies of the dim are born the next generation of Einsteins. So please don’t steal our students’ food.
May 14, 2008 at 2:59 am rating: +8
#4 Crash
Then,
they’ll have to start DNA testing to find the lunch thief and link him / her to the person with the wild diarrhea…
May 14, 2008 at 3:03 am rating: 0
#5 Crash
Dude…I just got tired of organic milk with organic peanut butter and jelly on organic wheat bread everyday from the human services…
Atleast I have some variety here…
Give me some twinkies or something !!!
Or some of those damned apostrophes you have too much of !!
May 14, 2008 at 3:14 am rating: +3
#6 secondsout
“Please don’t steal our student’s food.” Seriously? Berkeley is apparently so prestigious that it only has ONE student. Must be hard to find someone who took notes while you skipped class to nurse that hangover.
May 14, 2008 at 3:22 am rating: +7
#7 secondsout
“Plus you are taking food from the mouths of the unborn geniuses…” Holy shit, I guess all the Berkeley students are pregnant, too. Clearly the geniuses aren’t the ones who wrote this sign.
May 14, 2008 at 3:24 am rating: +2
#8 secondsout
Can you imagine how pissed the Berkeley Health and Human Services folks would be if they actually got a call from some high student. “umm, like, I’m hungry and stuff. But I don’t have any shred, yo. Do you have any, like, pizza?”
May 14, 2008 at 3:27 am rating: +4
#9 Crash
Why don’t they give that Health and Human Sevices address to their hungry - strapped for cash student’s ?
Or does the thief have special privlages ?
May 14, 2008 at 3:28 am rating: +1
#10 secondsout
Berkjelly students should be on the lookout for a bear with a green hat and a necktie. He is suspected of stealing numerous pic-a-nic lunches.
May 14, 2008 at 3:30 am rating: +15
#11 secondsout
Oh, and “our student’s food” was fuckin’ delicious.
May 14, 2008 at 3:31 am rating: +1
#12 secondsout
What if the thief were homeless? Would those students really be as hungry and cash-strapped? Likely… OK, a lot of college students work crazy jobs to educate themselves. But it’s not often you see them rooting through dumpsters.
May 14, 2008 at 3:33 am rating: 0
#13 Crash
Homeless people aren’t broke man.
They’re even…
How much negative debt do all those students have ?
May 14, 2008 at 3:38 am rating: +1
#14 secondsout
Uh-oh, this is Berkeley. Just wait until they steal Lisa’s lunch.
“I just want whoever stole my fucking sandwich yesterday btwn the hours of 12 and 2pm that u deserve to die for that shit, its trifling, and disgusting, and I wiped btwn my legs with that sandwich.”
May 14, 2008 at 3:53 am rating: +4
#15 pickle
Haha, I know someone whose food was repeatedly stolen by co-workers. Eventually he made some macaroni, cheese and bleach. The guy who ate it got “food poisoning” and stopped stealing.
May 14, 2008 at 4:20 am rating: +1
#16 claw71
Yeah, I got your penal violation right here.
….and if you play your cards right you might just have an unborn genius of your very own.
May 14, 2008 at 7:53 am rating: +18
#17 zchamu
“Unborn Geniuses”? This single student is obviously with child.What kind of experiments are they doing at this joing?
May 14, 2008 at 8:08 am rating: 0
#18 The Great Joe Bivins
Oh man, that Health and Human Services information is like a Passive Agressive A Bomb. Oh the care that went into this one…IF ONLY THEY’D CARED THAT MUCH ABOUT MISPLACED APOSTROPHES! THE HORROR!
May 14, 2008 at 8:17 am rating: +2
#19 claw71
To the tune of “Behind Blue Eyes”
No one knows what it’s like
to be the fat man
the hunger’s bad man
I need some fries
I’ve never known what it’s like
to be sated
so I’m hated
for taking from you guys
But the fridge it’s not as empty
as my belly seems to be
At lunch hour I won’t be hungry
I’ll eat your sandwich because it’s free
No one knows what it’s like
to be stealing
like I do
And I blame you
No one bites down as hard
on that brisket
The mustard and mayo
come right through
‘Cause the fridge is not as empty
as my belly seems to be
You’ve got most of the hour
to claim your lunches
Then I’m coming, because grazing’s free
You bring mixed nuts, I’ll crack them open
and that pizza, I’ll eat it too
You know I smile when see brown bags
Don’t like it? Try and sue
I willl swallow anything in there
it feels good going down my throat
Chicken liver, pigs in a blanket
You know I’ve even eaten goat
No one knows what it like to be the fat man
The huner’s bad man
So I ate your fries.
May 14, 2008 at 8:30 am rating: +9
#20 Mishee
Leave it to people in Berkeley to be as presumptive to think that their children would be geniuses…
I have seen pretty people have ugly children, and vice versa… what makes this person think that just cause they got into UC Berkeley (what, Stanford wouldn’t take you???) that their children will automatically be smart… ??
I’m thinking the fumes from the guy with the bong in the next dorm room over will have some say in that! (BTW, he’s the one who has your lunch… the munchies are a bitch!)
May 14, 2008 at 8:36 am rating: +6
#21 claw71
Who would steal food at Berkely?
I’ll eat almost anything but Tofurkey and soy cheese on gluten free bread doesn’t cut it.
May 14, 2008 at 8:45 am rating: +3
#22 amy d
They should ask the fetuses who stole the food. They’re genusies, after all. I’m sure they could put it together.
May 14, 2008 at 8:56 am rating: +8
#23 amy d
AND I hate notes that use the unborn child guilt trip. It’s overly dramatic. Plus, all the students can’t possibly be pregnant. These are really theoretical unborn children. The food thief could then use the same argument:
I am stealing food to nourish my unborn criminal spawn.