Maybe it’s time for Sally Struthers to get involved

May 14th, 2008 · 140 comments

With finals and thesis deadlines coming up, stress levels among grad students at UC-Berkeley have been running high (which means attention to the finer points of, say, apostrophe use, are running low). And now there’s a lunch thief on the loose!

Taking food is a penal code violation and we have reported these thefts to the cops.

Sadly, says our submitter, the note’s multi-pronged approach (guilt, threats, helpful advice) seems to have had no effect; the lunch thief remains at large. The next course of action? “We’re considering planting laxative-laced desserts.”

related: It must have been a pretty big bite

FILED UNDER: apostrophe abuse · Berkeley · California · college life · food · fridge · kitchen · preggers · stealing · the homeless · warning


140 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Furu

    I wonder if the police have a good laugh about this, or do they just get annoyed.

    May 14, 2008 at 2:35 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   goose

      They’re probably the ones stealing the food…

      May 14, 2008 at 2:51 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.2   secondsout bang

      Imagine the police blotter.

      Stolen item: sandwich.
      Contents: turkey (2 slices), mayonnaise (Hellman’s), tomatoes (sliced roma), lettuce (romaine), bread (2 slices rye)
      Description: cut diagonally, toothpick with green plastic frill around the top

      When we nail the bastard, he’ll pay!

      May 14, 2008 at 3:44 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.3   Crash bang

      Would it be Grand, or Petty theft ?

      May 14, 2008 at 3:47 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.4   bellabeastie

      Grand Theft – if they took the chips on the side.

      Petty Theft – if they only took the pickle.

      Team Book’em Dano

      May 14, 2008 at 8:06 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.5   Mishee bang

      It would be Best Food Mayo… Hellman’s is only east of the Mississippi I believe…

      May 14, 2008 at 8:27 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.6   claw71 bang

      Next you’re going to tell me that you don’t have Helluva Good cheese out there. What’s wrong with you people?

      May 14, 2008 at 9:36 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.7   reverend dick

      No sir. That cheese would be ” hella good.”

      May 14, 2008 at 8:40 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.8   Epiphany

      Hey campus Rent-o-cops get hungry too.

      May 16, 2008 at 10:37 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #2   zombieBlanco bang

    Holy Unborn Genuises Batman! A Penal Code Violation!

    May 14, 2008 at 2:57 am   rating: 18  small thumbs up

     
  • #3   park rose bang

    Not only are our students hungry and cash-strapped, but they’re stupid too. However, even from the bodies of the dim are born the next generation of Einsteins. So please don’t steal our students’ food.

    May 14, 2008 at 2:59 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

     
  • #4   Crash bang

    Then,
    they’ll have to start DNA testing to find the lunch thief and link him / her to the person with the wild diarrhea…

    May 14, 2008 at 3:03 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #5   Crash bang

    Dude…I just got tired of organic milk with organic peanut butter and jelly on organic wheat bread everyday from the human services…

    Atleast I have some variety here…
    Give me some twinkies or something !!!

    Or some of those damned apostrophes you have too much of !!

    May 14, 2008 at 3:14 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   zombieBlanco bang

      Dude…the City of Berkeley has options for feeding the desperate. These options include the following diets; macrobiotic, fruitarian, vegan, kosher, carnivorous, lacto-ovo-vegetarian, macrobiotic, halal, raw foods, vegetarian, basically anything but twinkies.

      May 14, 2008 at 3:27 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.2   Crash bang

      No apostrophe’s ?…Damn… :D

      May 14, 2008 at 3:34 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.3   bellabeastie

      Adding excess apostrophes to your diet can cause serious disease, infection and general malaise. Maybe even migraines and pancreatic cancer.

      The Surgeon Generals’ Office recommends a healthy dose of twinkies, followed by unprotected sex to propagate the next generation of unborn geniuses.

      I am Dr. Phil and I approved this message.

      May 14, 2008 at 8:18 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.4   park rose bang

      And misplaced apostrophes cause miscarriages…

      So just who is responsible for the unborn geniuses?

      May 14, 2008 at 8:35 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.5   bellabeastie

      Whoever is skipping school that day?

      Gosh, this is getting complicated.

      Can we talk about it over lunch?

      May 14, 2008 at 9:42 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.6   park rose bang

      I’d love to, but some cash strapped unborn criminal evil genius spawn made of with mine
      @!#%$@!
      (kudos to amyd and Claw for the terminology!)

      May 14, 2008 at 9:55 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.7   bellabeastie

      LOL P.Rose… I’ll take a rain check. Got an appt. at Human Services. Something about my penal code violation.

      Sheesh. I dunno.

      May 14, 2008 at 10:13 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.8   park rose bang

      Made *off* – sorry, only just noticed the typo.

      Good luck with that, Bella ;)

      May 14, 2008 at 10:17 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #6   secondsout bang

    “Please don’t steal our student’s food.” Seriously? Berkeley is apparently so prestigious that it only has ONE student. Must be hard to find someone who took notes while you skipped class to nurse that hangover.

    May 14, 2008 at 3:22 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

     
  • #7   secondsout bang

    “Plus you are taking food from the mouths of the unborn geniuses…” Holy shit, I guess all the Berkeley students are pregnant, too. Clearly the geniuses aren’t the ones who wrote this sign.

    May 14, 2008 at 3:24 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #8   secondsout bang

    Can you imagine how pissed the Berkeley Health and Human Services folks would be if they actually got a call from some high student. “umm, like, I’m hungry and stuff. But I don’t have any shred, yo. Do you have any, like, pizza?”

    May 14, 2008 at 3:27 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #9   Crash bang

    Why don’t they give that Health and Human Sevices address to their hungry – strapped for cash student’s ?

    Or does the thief have special privlages ?

    May 14, 2008 at 3:28 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #10   secondsout bang

    Berkjelly students should be on the lookout for a bear with a green hat and a necktie. He is suspected of stealing numerous pic-a-nic lunches.

    May 14, 2008 at 3:30 am   rating: 15  small thumbs up

    • #10.1   zombieBlanco bang

      Actually, I believe a Tree was seen leaving the area with several lunches tucked under its branches.

      May 14, 2008 at 3:39 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.2   Mishee bang

      ZB I wouldn’t doubt it – but have you heard about the Bezerkley students and their obssession with TREES?

      If a tree had taken it, they would organize a sit-in protest to make sure that the tree does not suffer any retribution or punishment, cause hell, it’s a TREE and it just doesn’t know any better…!

      Fucking hippies.

      May 14, 2008 at 8:31 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.3   Anono

      The tree is in reference to UC Berkeleys arch rivals, Stanford, whose mascot happens to be a tree. And if you ask me, that triflin sandwich stealin tree is not effin delicious either (But the kids from UC Berkeley do have an obsession for trees…420 of them if you catch the drift :-)

      May 14, 2008 at 11:57 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.4   Mishee bang

      Anono – I am literally down the street from Stanford University as we speak… I know the reference. The tree is actually an unoffical mascot, as Stanford doesn’t really have one. I was actually referencing the fucking hippies in Berkeley and their damn tree protest that went on (or is it even still going on anymore? Like I care) forever over at the campus….

      And who doesn’t like 420 trees?

      May 14, 2008 at 12:00 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.5   Anono

      I know that YOU know about it Mishee, being that you are from the Bay, hell, may have even passed each other at a few A’s games. Jus lettin the others know about it…U are alright in my book…and yes, tha damn hippie tree sitters are some triflin, stanky MFers :-)

      May 14, 2008 at 12:08 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.6   Mishee bang

      I just googled it, I believe the protest is still underway, something like 500 days now.

      Fucking hippies.

      Haven’t been to an A’s game in a while – the last time I did go see them though, it was at Safeco since I was at the time withering away living in Washington for 2 years. But I plan to go to one some time this summer with my step-son – I promised him. Plus my mom and step-dad have already gone to 2 this season, so I plan to join them.

      May 14, 2008 at 12:29 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.7   unholyghost2003 bang

      Mr.UHG likes to say he wants to die listening to Charlie Feathers and watching cops beat up hippies.

      May 14, 2008 at 1:10 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #11   secondsout bang

    Oh, and “our student’s food” was fuckin’ delicious.

    May 14, 2008 at 3:31 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #12   secondsout bang

    What if the thief were homeless? Would those students really be as hungry and cash-strapped? Likely… OK, a lot of college students work crazy jobs to educate themselves. But it’s not often you see them rooting through dumpsters.

    May 14, 2008 at 3:33 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   RunBarbara bang

      unless they’ve taken them hippie selves to a new level and become freegans.

      May 14, 2008 at 12:04 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.2   unholyghost2003 bang

      or they could just become Breatharians and it wouldn’t matter!

      May 14, 2008 at 12:17 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #13   Crash bang

    Homeless people aren’t broke man.
    They’re even…
    How much negative debt do all those students have ?

    May 14, 2008 at 3:38 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #13.1   S.S.

      That’s what I tell homeless people when they ask me for money. I say “Hey man, I’m 50 thousand dollars in debt.” Once a guy said “okay, sorry.”

      Of course, my earning potential is bigger than his, but whatever. I wasn’t going to explain that minor detail.

      May 14, 2008 at 9:46 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #14   secondsout bang

    Uh-oh, this is Berkeley. Just wait until they steal Lisa’s lunch.

    “I just want whoever stole my fucking sandwich yesterday btwn the hours of 12 and 2pm that u deserve to die for that shit, its trifling, and disgusting, and I wiped btwn my legs with that sandwich.”

    May 14, 2008 at 3:53 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #15   pickle bang

    Haha, I know someone whose food was repeatedly stolen by co-workers. Eventually he made some macaroni, cheese and bleach. The guy who ate it got “food poisoning” and stopped stealing.

    May 14, 2008 at 4:20 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #16   claw71 bang

    Yeah, I got your penal violation right here.

    ….and if you play your cards right you might just have an unborn genius of your very own.

    May 14, 2008 at 7:53 am   rating: 18  small thumbs up

     
  • #17   zchamu bang

    “Unborn Geniuses”? This single student is obviously with child.What kind of experiments are they doing at this joing?

    May 14, 2008 at 8:08 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #17.1   pistola

      god i hate berkley people.

      May 14, 2008 at 10:56 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #18   The Great Joe Bivins

    Oh man, that Health and Human Services information is like a Passive Agressive A Bomb. Oh the care that went into this one…IF ONLY THEY’D CARED THAT MUCH ABOUT MISPLACED APOSTROPHES! THE HORROR!

    May 14, 2008 at 8:17 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #19   claw71 bang

    To the tune of “Behind Blue Eyes”

    No one knows what it’s like
    to be the fat man
    the hunger’s bad man
    I need some fries

    I’ve never known what it’s like
    to be sated
    so I’m hated
    for taking from you guys

    But the fridge it’s not as empty
    as my belly seems to be

    At lunch hour I won’t be hungry
    I’ll eat your sandwich because it’s free

    No one knows what it’s like
    to be stealing
    like I do
    And I blame you

    No one bites down as hard
    on that brisket
    The mustard and mayo
    come right through

    ‘Cause the fridge is not as empty
    as my belly seems to be

    You’ve got most of the hour
    to claim your lunches
    Then I’m coming, because grazing’s free

    You bring mixed nuts, I’ll crack them open
    and that pizza, I’ll eat it too
    You know I smile when see brown bags
    Don’t like it? Try and sue

    I willl swallow anything in there
    it feels good going down my throat
    Chicken liver, pigs in a blanket
    You know I’ve even eaten goat

    No one knows what it like to be the fat man
    The huner’s bad man
    So I ate your fries.

    May 14, 2008 at 8:30 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #19.1   bellabeastie

      OMG – I totally sang along. Effin hilarious.

      Had this mental image of Roger Daltry standing in front of the fridge… in a fat suit.

      Tommy can you hear me? Time for lunch, or you can just call the TDD number for Health and Human Services. Office hours 8:30 – 5:00 Mon. thru Fri.

      May 14, 2008 at 9:57 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #19.2   claw71 bang

      I can’t see Roger Daltry stealing food but it would be right up Fred Durst’s alley. He stole this song, why not lunch?

      May 14, 2008 at 10:16 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #19.3   bellabeastie

      Fred’s grisly. And you got called a thief. Shame on it.

      May 14, 2008 at 10:46 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #20   Mishee bang

    Leave it to people in Berkeley to be as presumptive to think that their children would be geniuses…

    I have seen pretty people have ugly children, and vice versa… what makes this person think that just cause they got into UC Berkeley (what, Stanford wouldn’t take you???) that their children will automatically be smart… ??

    I’m thinking the fumes from the guy with the bong in the next dorm room over will have some say in that! (BTW, he’s the one who has your lunch… the munchies are a bitch!)

    May 14, 2008 at 8:36 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

     
  • #21   claw71 bang

    Who would steal food at Berkely?

    I’ll eat almost anything but Tofurkey and soy cheese on gluten free bread doesn’t cut it.

    May 14, 2008 at 8:45 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #21.1   park rose bang

      The desperate.

      May 14, 2008 at 10:27 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #22   amy d bang

    They should ask the fetuses who stole the food. They’re genusies, after all. I’m sure they could put it together.

    May 14, 2008 at 8:56 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

     
  • #23   amy d bang

    AND I hate notes that use the unborn child guilt trip. It’s overly dramatic. Plus, all the students can’t possibly be pregnant. These are really theoretical unborn children. The food thief could then use the same argument:

    I am stealing food to nourish my unborn criminal spawn.

    May 14, 2008 at 9:00 am   rating: 18  small thumbs up

    • #23.1   claw71 bang

      Unborn Criminal Spawn is a great name for a rock band. As is Fetal Geniuses

      I wonder if they’ll be playing at Rock on the Range this summer. If so I sure hope they take the stage together and collaberate on that song I wrote.

      May 14, 2008 at 9:34 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.2   Wade bang

      That’s right! What if they have an unborn genius… for evil.

      Defying Godwin’s Law, our hero travels back in time to Austria, late fall 1888, to steal sandwiches from Adolf Hitler’s mother-to-be.

      Side benefit: thwarts the creation of Schutzstaffel ;)

      May 14, 2008 at 10:10 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #24   Jaybird

    One word:………….. ipecac.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Syrup_of_ipecac

    May 14, 2008 at 9:41 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #25   S.S.

    I have no sympathy for lunch thieves. I’ve had my lunch stolen before, and there’s nothing worse than being hungry and heading to the fridge to look for your carefully packed food only to find it’s gone.

    I’m still agonizing over the ice cream pint someone stole once. I had cravings, damn it! I hope they choked on some of the nuts (it was Rocky Road).

    May 14, 2008 at 9:43 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #25.1   claw71 bang

      o Slow your roll there, SS.
      Lunch thieves, as you so wantonly call them, don’t need your stinking sympathy. They’ve got your lunch. You’re hungry and they aren’t.
      But let’s be careful about throwing terms like “thief” around. I’ve taken lunches that I did not pack. Some have even been labeled with a name that was not mine. However, I honor a certain lunch code: I don’t purloin food until 45 minutes after noon.
      It’s actually for the greater good. Every month most offices have a big refrigerator cleaning session where spoiled products are disposed of. I’m simply culling the herd. If you want your food, consume it in a timely fashion because when 12:45 hits it’s open range.
      And spare me this nonsense about flexible schedules and preferring to eat your lunch later in the day. The international time for lunch is high noon. If you want to wait until 2:00 you do so at your own risk.
      I’m not a thief. I am a predator. The cycle of life is enhanced by my presence and if I happen to eat your lunch because you got stuck on a call, that’s just the natural order of things. Embrace it and move on.

      May 14, 2008 at 9:58 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.2   S.S.

      Jerkface.

      If the lunch is packed and labeled there is no excuse. I wasn’t talking about unlabeled food just left laying around in the fridge.

      If you take something that clearly belongs to someone else, you are a THIEF, plain and simple.

      Also, my lunch hour is at whatever goddamn time I want it to be. That’s why I pack my own damn lunch, so I can eat eat whenever I please.

      Embrace my middle finger (you can’t see it, but I’m giving it to you at this moment) and move on.

      May 14, 2008 at 10:11 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.3   claw71 bang

      Jerkface? JERKFACE?!?!

      Is that really how you want to play it? Do you really want to invoke my wrath? Because I’ll throw formality aside and eat every last morsel of food you own out of spite. I’ll lurk by the water cooler and wait for you to put your lunch in the fridge first thing and I’ll snag it before the light turns goes out. Then I’ll put the crusts of the bread back in there so you know it was me.

      It won’t stop there. I’ll leave work early, sneak into your house and eat those Ore-Ida fries you were going to eat during the game. I’ll wash it down with the cheap ass Fanta you bought at Odd Lots. I’ll even eat the Fancy Feast you were going to feed your cat. Hell, I might even eat your cat while I’m at it.

      Look, SS, I’m an honorable man. The lunch parameters I’ve set are reasonable and just about everybody else accepts them. But don’t mistake my sense of fairness for weakness. If you test me, with schoolyard insults and gross mischaracterizations I will retaliate.

      May 14, 2008 at 10:24 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.4   Mishee bang

      this is gonna be good.

      *pops popcorn and gets comfy*

      May 14, 2008 at 10:28 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.5   RunBarbara

      I ate a cat once.
      Of course, it was fucking delicious.

      May 14, 2008 at 10:45 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.6   GhostWriter bang

      I am on Team S.S. Lünchenstolen. Seriously, I’ve actually seen a coworker chuckle as he rustled through the fridge and grabbed a Panera Bread take-out bag, clearly marked with the name, “Louise”. I know Louise! She needs snacks every few hours for her glucose levels. She probably would have shared if he had asked.

      I had half a mind to throw down right there in the lunchroom with that inconsiderate jerkface. But what was I gonna do- the guy’s huge!

      May 14, 2008 at 11:28 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.7   claw71 bang

      Screw Lousise and her glucose levels. It’s Darwin’s law, GhostWriter. Darwin! Survival of the fittest. If she slips into a diabetic coma we’ll eat her too. That’s the way it has to be. It’s a claw eat Louise world out there.

      If Louise wants to survive she should not put her life in the gaping maws of the strangers who frequent the office fridge. That’s like leaving your wallet on a park bench while you shoot hoops. I’d suggest a personal cooler and a stash of Lance crackers in a desk drawer.

      Look, I honor the 45 minute code, but there are some people who don’t. I can’t abide people with no honor but that doesn’t mean I’m going to leave my lunch in the community fridge and hope for decency to protect it.

      May 14, 2008 at 12:08 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.8   zombieBlanco bang

      *sigh* lucky louise

      May 14, 2008 at 12:54 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.9   GhostWriter bang

      I stand here ashamed. I thought that bringing up Louise’s plight might touch a soft spot in your otherwise hardened heart. Instead, I find that someone has chosen to use the shared info for evil purposes. Which one of you not only ate Louise’s Froz-n-Berry parfait, (at 12:40, I might add) but then replaced it with a sugar-free version? I found poor Louise slumped and drooling on her keyboard! Luckily she came to after I shoved a marshmallow peep into her mouth. Then I noticed the blinking light of a USB camera- have you no shame? Where you live-blogging Louise’s seizure??

      Are you aware that any live videofeeds are routinely stored on corporate servers? Stealing a Froz-n-Berry parfait is bad enough, but hosting a pay-per-view of Louise’s last moments on company time and equipment is…

      …tantamount to storage!

      May 14, 2008 at 1:40 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.10   KittyKat

      Claw, you should stalk, kill and eat the people with no honor and leave the lunches alone. Everyone would be happy then. Isn’t that what you want? A happy, happy world?

      May 14, 2008 at 2:02 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.11   RunBarbara bang

      *has hearts shoot out of her eyes at ghostwriter*

      May 14, 2008 at 2:31 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.12   claw71 bang

      What can I say? Louise was fucking delicious.

      May 14, 2008 at 2:36 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #26   Mishee bang

    wow, jerkface… that’s pretty harsh!

    when did I wander into an elementary school playground??

    I don’t know what happened, but this was supposed to be #26.3… but claw got that, so call it #26.2b

    May 14, 2008 at 10:15 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #26.1   Canthz_B bang

      Sure. Just my luck. I sleep in and miss some good old name calling! :-(

      May 14, 2008 at 3:09 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #26.2   Mishee bang

      I could always start it up again and call you a cunt. Would that work? :D

      May 14, 2008 at 4:18 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #26.3   unholyghost2003 bang

      ummm I don’t know what that word means. Is it worse than the “P-word?”

      May 14, 2008 at 4:22 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #26.4   Canthz_B bang

      Doesn’t work for me. This thread went to Hell in a hand-basket totally without me so I’ll leave it like that.

      *plucks a booger*

      May 14, 2008 at 4:37 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #27   Quite Contrary bang

    I’m really kind of shocked at this stance. Reporting the thief to the cops? A little bourgeois, no? This is Berkeley for god’s sake. Shouldn’t they be offering to find out why the poor thief has to steal, then stage sit-ins to protest the societal wrongs that made this person steal, and then make the city pass some sort of ceremonial, meaningless, socialist edict saying that everyone should give the thief food so he doesn’t have to steal?

    They don’t call it the federal republic of Berkeley for nothing, after all.

    May 14, 2008 at 10:17 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #27.1   secondsout bang

      The People’s Republic of Berkeley, to be exact.

      May 14, 2008 at 1:28 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.2   prairielily

      Socialism doesn’t apply when you’re hungry.

      May 14, 2008 at 4:36 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #28   bellabeastie

    S.S. — DO NOT EVER speak ill of our Claw.

    Ever. Then keep your own damn lunch under your own damn ass so it’s nice and warm when you want to eat it. Yummy.

    I’m sure we would love to embrace your middle finger if it wasn’t firmly digging boogers out of your nose. Ooooh-double yummy.

    Lunch is Served!

    May 14, 2008 at 10:33 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #28.1   claw71 bang

      I’m a pinky man myself. I keep the nail on my left pinky a little long to get leverage on this crusty, stuck-on boogers.

      If SS is picking his nose with his middle finger he’s got to have some big ass nostrils. We’re talking Chris Noth nostrils or, as I like to call them, Noth-trils.

      May 14, 2008 at 10:46 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #28.2   RunBarbara bang

      I have a tiny statue of The Virgin Mary who’s head is the exact size of my nostril. Propping her in there to dig out the result of allergies to everything doesn’t feel blasphemos, it feels wonderful.

      May 14, 2008 at 10:53 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #28.3   claw71 bang

      it makes sense. Who wipes cleans your nose out when you’re a baby? OK, for me it was a spider monkey named Klaus, but for most people it’s mom, right?

      Who is the Virgin Mary? The Blessed Mother. I bet that statue works real good.

      May 14, 2008 at 10:56 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #28.4   RunBarbara bang

      I use to be a straightened-paper-clip kind of girl but after I got my nose pierced I needed something softer, something with a touch of class…and, four dollars in quarters later, I was gifted Mary from the quarter machine at Fry’s. Ive never looked back, claw.
      Never

      May 14, 2008 at 10:59 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #28.5   secondsout bang

      What sort of religious icon do you use when it’s lonely and your husband is on a business trip, RB?

      May 14, 2008 at 1:30 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #28.6   Mark

      RunBarbara,

      Straightened-up paper clips are clearly meant to clean ears, not noses.

      May 14, 2008 at 4:51 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #28.7   Crash bang

      Damn…I thought they were ment for picking teeth after eating a good stolen lunch…

      May 14, 2008 at 4:53 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #28.8   Mishee bang

      I was under the impression that cleaning ears involved a nail. That’s what my big brother used to use all the time…

      But then again, he was tweeking more of the time….

      May 14, 2008 at 5:00 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #28.9   RunBarbara bang

      2nd- ive always been fond of my six-armed Kali, if you catch my drift (and I think you do).
      You’re all being silly- lord knows the best way to clean one’s ear is the pointy end of a ball point pen cap.
      sheesh.

      May 14, 2008 at 5:08 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #28.10   Mark

      Ah, RB… you are correct that the pointy end of a ball point pen cap is a great earcleaner, it seems to catch and hold more wax than a paperclip. However, the straightened-up paper clip tends to be more durable, in my experience.

      The Kali probably is a good penal replacement, good for self-violaton. Or so I could imagine.

      May 14, 2008 at 5:30 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #28.11   RunBarbara bang

      Oooo, Mark….you nasty. My virgin ears!

      May 14, 2008 at 5:33 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #28.12   unholyghost2003 bang

      2ndsout, don’t tell me I’m the only one who knows about the baby Jesus butt plug?

      May 14, 2008 at 5:36 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #28.13   Mark

      Virgin but for the will of Kali!

      …Or that fucking delicious ball point pen cap…

      May 14, 2008 at 5:37 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #28.14   RunBarbara bang

      the pen cap never went anywhere questionable. methinks you have an overactive imagination.
      .
      .
      and uhg, please…some of us are recovering Catholics!

      May 14, 2008 at 5:39 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #28.15   Mark

      Oh, you have no idea of what my imagination is capable of. :)

      I’m also a recovering Catholic, and I love the idea of a Virgin Mary dildo. I know you were talking about a nose-picker, but… it’s that imagination thing again!

      May 14, 2008 at 7:25 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #28.16   TuesdayPillow

      Did someone erase my comment? Did you not like my link to divine interventions.com?

      May 16, 2008 at 5:35 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #28.17   Mishee bang

      Tues, sometimes the WordPress Nazis (a.k.a the Heisa Monster) doesn’t post links…

      The way around that is to post a comment and then edit the link into your comment after it posts.

      May 16, 2008 at 9:06 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #29   bellabeastie

    Eww… ‘kay I’m a girl, and like I’ve just approached the gross-out threshold. I know it will/can/be assured it will/ get much worse, so I better get gone.

    *checking nostrils before I leave* kisses.

    May 14, 2008 at 10:56 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #29.1   RunBarbara bang

      Being funny > being a girl

      May 14, 2008 at 10:57 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.2   claw71 bang

      Wait! We haven’t talked about booger disposal yet? Come on, people it’s the internet we can be honest…who eats them?

      May 14, 2008 at 10:58 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.3   RunBarbara bang

      I would never eat them. I have a sensitive and refined pallet. I simply wipe them on other people’s pets or office plants.

      May 14, 2008 at 10:59 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.4   claw71 bang

      I never cared for the flavor of my own but I’ve met a few people who have some really tasty boogers. They’re great sprinkled over a salad. It’s a low-cal way to ad a salty crunch to a mundane pile of lettuce.

      May 14, 2008 at 11:17 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.5   GhostWriter bang

      I knew a guy from Kentucky who would save his hawkers in a bell jar, and then dry it out on the porch stoop.

      Poor man’s jerky.

      Ok, it was me.

      May 14, 2008 at 11:32 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.6   RunBarbara bang

      Moonshine and nose gold, the way of the hill-folk.
      Did you make a rocking chair out of cow bones?

      May 14, 2008 at 11:36 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.7   Mishee bang

      I am soooo grossed out right now…

      BTW, I am a flicker – let them lie where they fall… or whatever they stick to…!

      May 14, 2008 at 11:38 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.8   bellabeastie

      Luv U all- man, I’m gross-out challenged but up to the punch — ‘cept gotta go make the Benjamins.

      Team I didn’t Grow Up With 2 Brothers for Nothin’

      May 14, 2008 at 11:43 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.9   unholyghost2003 bang

      wipe them on the bottom of your shoes, thus ensuring your DNA is spread throughout the world!

      May 14, 2008 at 11:48 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.10   Quite Contrary bang

      I am so beyond grossed out right now and this thread does not include the c-word.

      Yet, here I am, still reading.

      May 14, 2008 at 12:40 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.11   Mishee bang

      C-WORD? you mean cunt??

      well, there ya go!

      May 14, 2008 at 12:58 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.12   secondsout bang

      Wiping boogers is for amateurs. The pros just go with snot-rocketing. That’s when you use your finger to close one nostril, point your head backwards, aim, and see what/whom you can hit.

      May 14, 2008 at 1:33 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.13   Mishee bang

      sout, is your name Puck by any chance?

      May 14, 2008 at 1:39 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.14   RunBarbara bang

      another early 90s reference, mishee.
      keep him away from the peanut butter!

      May 14, 2008 at 5:09 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #30   Huh?

    Pets are good wiping alternative, Barbara. You might get a splinter from that pallet, if it’s wooden.

    May 14, 2008 at 11:29 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #31   Virginia

    “violaton”? Really?? Did they call the language police as well?

    May 14, 2008 at 11:48 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #31.1   durian

      They were all too busy posting on PAN :D

      May 14, 2008 at 11:52 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #32   Tyler bang

    Hmm, I thought liberals were all for giving to the needy. First to protest liberating a country; first to get PA on their fellow sammich stealer.

    May 14, 2008 at 11:50 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #33   Sarah bang

    The notewriter’s use of “the unborn geniuses” is pretty much a dead giveaway that he isn’t getting laid.

    May 14, 2008 at 1:19 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #33.1   unholyghost2003 bang

      really? I just thought this site was getting really meta … I thought the note write has been here and was making reference to “it must have been a pretty big bite”

      May 14, 2008 at 1:26 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #33.2   Sarah bang

      Nah, he just isn’t getting laid. Otherwise there’d be a pink T-shirt with the note.

      May 14, 2008 at 1:43 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #33.3   GhostWriter bang

      There’d be a pink what on the note??

      May 14, 2008 at 1:45 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #33.4   Mishee bang

      I think what Sarah meant to say was pink penises doodled on the note

      May 14, 2008 at 1:52 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #33.5   claw71 bang

      I’d love it if somebody doodled my penis.

      May 14, 2008 at 2:39 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #33.6   RunBarbara bang

      *snaps gloves*
      trust me, claw…im an artist…

      May 14, 2008 at 3:12 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #33.7   known unknown bang

      Keeping in the context of greedy consumption, does this concept still apply if the unborn geniuses have been digested?

      May 14, 2008 at 8:30 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #33.8   Canthz_B bang

      Gastric or intestinal gestation? I can see how the sperm got there but the egg?
      Oh, man! She must have enjoyed that!!

      May 14, 2008 at 9:30 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #33.9   known unknown

      All I know is after being exposed to this note, I will school girl giggle every time I hear the phrase “eating for two.”

      May 14, 2008 at 10:31 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #33.10   Canthz_B bang

      I like the cut of your jib, k.uk! ;-)

      May 15, 2008 at 12:50 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #34   Quite Contrary bang

    Maybe it’s time to get back on topic.

    May 14, 2008 at 5:01 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #34.1   Wade bang

      or a new note. ;)

      May 14, 2008 at 5:07 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #35   Canthz_B bang

    :oops:

    May 14, 2008 at 11:56 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #36   KoT

    Maybe they can call the Marines! Oh wait, Code Pink and the other douche bags in Berkeley have targeted the very people that give the shit bags the freedom to speak. But, Code Pink needs cops to protect them from the Marines. So, they’re food goes on getting stolen! Whah, fucking whah!

    May 15, 2008 at 12:38 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #36.1   Canthz_B bang

      They are food? 8-O

      May 15, 2008 at 1:01 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #36.2   known unknown bang

      Don’t forget there’s pink involved. Obviously, they are also getting laid … which we all appreciate.

      May 15, 2008 at 1:50 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #36.3   Canthz_B bang

      This made me put a flag pin in the lapel of my pjs *sniff*

      May 15, 2008 at 1:56 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #36.4   unholyghost2003 bang

      BREAST MILK THEFT!

      May 15, 2008 at 8:14 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #36.5   KoT

      My bad! “Their”!

      May 15, 2008 at 8:14 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #37   Natasha

    Stealing food might be illegal…but so is putting laxative in food for someone to eat. It’s considered poisoning.

    May 15, 2008 at 4:33 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #37.1   unholyghost2003 bang

      ummm I would imagine that putting laxatives in one’s own food is not illegal. Adding laxatives to food you are SERVING or GIVING to others would certainly be illegal. If I could be arrested or fined for putting laxatives in my OWN FOOD just because MY FOOD could be stolen … the world is in worse shape than I ever imagined. That is on par with the burglars who sue the owners of the homes they break into because they injured themselves in the process of robbing the house.

      May 15, 2008 at 8:12 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #38   claw71 bang

    Wow, it must have been a slow night in the men’s room for a Republican to make a closing time appearance. Thanks, KoT. Your rant has been noted and we reject your position. Now go back to worshiping Dick.

    And Natasha, as a lunch liberator I can respect lacing food with laxatives. It’s not poisoning unless you do it to somebody else’s food. And in your strange little world is it considered poisoning when somebody flicks a booger into somebody else’s food? Seems awfully “penal” to me.

    And if you’ll excuse me, claw’s got to poop. I’ve been crapping all day.

    May 15, 2008 at 6:55 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #39   sandrar

    Hi! I was surfing and found your blog post… nice! I love your blog. :) Cheers! Sandra. R.

    Sep 10, 2009 at 2:17 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #40   megan fox

    Sign: umsun Hello!!! rcuwwymhyw and 5812ssgfhphzye and 526I like your blog. cool post!

    Sep 11, 2009 at 10:52 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     

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