News you can use

May 25th, 2008 · 62 comments

The word “newsflash,” like the phrase “no offense,” is an early indicator that what follows is probably going to be something pretty bitchy. Unless, of course, you’re watching TV news, in which case the word “newsflash” more likely heralds the announcement of a hard-hitting segment about the household product in your kitchen that could be killing your children. Either way: proceed with caution.

Exhibit a) from roommate to roommate, Chicago

Newsflash 1: trash does not take itself out. GROSS!?

Exhibit b) from mother to daughter, Irving, Texas

I have a news flash! I don't buy your wine! Thanks for drinking a bottle I never got to try!

Exhibit c) the pointed use of song lyrics in a Facebook status update

Newsflash BITCH...I don't live to please you

Exhibit d) stating the obvious

Newsflash: There is no ice fairy. If you do not have the courtesy to refill the ice trays (especially in 100 degree weather) do not take any ice.

SHOCKING NEWSFLASH: Dishes don't wash themselves

NEWSFLASH Bush: One of the Worst Disasters to Hit the U.S.

related: No offense! (just kidding) No worries! (just kidding)

FILED UNDER: "helpful" advice · a little patronizing · Facebook · garbage · ice · Moms & Dads · office · roommates · sarcasm · thanks (but not really) · whiteboard


62 responses so far ↓

  • #1   cre8tivewmn

    Newsflash: the word ‘newsflash’ is more aggressive than the phrase ‘no offense.’ Newsflash doesn’t care if it offends because the news is the truth!

    Nice use of all caps in the last few notes.

    May 25, 2008 at 2:17 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #2   zombieBlanco bang

    shocking newsflash: your hastily written passive-aggressive note can get you on the internets, where you will be ruthlessly mocked and, if you are lucky, your catchphrase will live in perpetuity.

    May 25, 2008 at 2:27 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

     
  • #3   Cat Skyfire

    Here’s a bit of passive-aggressive notemaking: Thanks for tossing in a political point of view, rather than a passive-aggressive note at the end.

    May 25, 2008 at 2:31 pm   rating: 20  small thumbs up

     
  • #4   megskathy

    thanks for drinking a bottle i never got to…tey???

    can i get a translation, please?

    May 25, 2008 at 2:37 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   zombieBlanco bang

      total electron yield

      May 25, 2008 at 2:39 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.2   Sundance bang

      could it be ‘try’? With the R as a capital letter?

      May 25, 2008 at 2:43 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.3   Total Douche bang

      Thank you, it was bothering me, as well.

      May 25, 2008 at 3:35 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.4   morpho aurora bang

      zB – the emptied yellowtail

      May 25, 2008 at 3:39 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.5   zombieBlanco bang

      - taste every yorkville

      May 25, 2008 at 3:55 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #5   zombieBlanco bang

    Those dear, dear bags could not handle the weight, unlike secondsout’s favorite bag .

    May 25, 2008 at 2:43 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #6   Lurker

    I think that Mom’s got plenty of whine left.

    May 25, 2008 at 2:46 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

     
  • #7   Sarah bang

    There is no Ice Fairy? Then what am I supposed to do with the fire bombs I just spent all my gold on? The FAQ told me it’d be at the end of this dungeon!

    May 25, 2008 at 3:01 pm   rating: 18  small thumbs up

    • #7.1   Emalia

      Yes, Sarah, there is no Ice Fairy . Sorry about your investment in fire bombs.

      May 25, 2008 at 3:21 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.2   James

      I believe the Ice Fairy has found selling “ice” of the crystal meth variety is much more profitable.

      May 25, 2008 at 10:36 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #8   morpho aurora bang

    newsflash: trash DOES take itself out – haven’t you ever seen ladies’ night in a redneck bar?

    May 25, 2008 at 3:18 pm   rating: 31  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   bellabeastie

      Ooooh Snap.

      Gots to love all those cowboy boots with denim shorts — mullets (if you gots the money to git your cousin’s sister’s friend to give you the “Goood One”).

      I am evil and jaded. But this still makes me laugh inside. :)

      May 25, 2008 at 10:23 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.2   morpho aurora bang

      pastel cowboy boots and cut-off shorts or mini skirts (ruffled ones even 8O ) as for mullets, nothing is scarier than a girl mullet!

      nothing beats the 50 year old, twice divorced guy in the pearl snap shirt and skin tight wranglers with the overhanging gut and a mouthful of copenhagen (unfortunately said mouth is NOT full of teeth) who wants to talk about his special relationship with his “huntin dawgs”
      and people wonder why i’d rather stay home and play on the internet :?

      May 26, 2008 at 11:33 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #9   kchick

    that wine was fucking delicious!

    May 25, 2008 at 3:37 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #10   Total Douche bang

    The bags, wine and ice, ALL of them were fucking delicious!

    May 25, 2008 at 3:40 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #11   secondsout bang

    Aww, man, I was hoping that Newsflash meant that Barbara Walters was getting nekkid. Or maybe that fox Candy Crowley on CNN.

    May 25, 2008 at 3:44 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   bellabeastie

      Like, you’re kidding, right?

      Right. whew.

      And it’s pissing me off that the dishes don’t wash themselves. Didn’t they see Beauty and The Beast??

      Excuse me, production number please… “Be Our Guest”.

      Team and put Your Dirty Selves into the Dishwasher Already and Don’t Make Me do It For You.

      May 25, 2008 at 10:36 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #12   secondsout bang

    The random word “green” at the top of the first note is perplexing. I wonder if she’s used to communicating in HTML and forgot the /green at the end.

    May 25, 2008 at 3:47 pm   rating: 20  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   zombieBlanco bang

      Unfortunately, ‘Green’ is the hippie name her roomate Brittany chose when ‘Bibs’ was taken.

      May 25, 2008 at 3:57 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.2   NoPunIntended bang

      I think Jessi might have been stating the obvious…

      Duh!! The color her PAN was going to be in!

      Either that or she’s a friggen tree-hugger.

      May 25, 2008 at 3:59 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.3   catatonia bang

      Could the name be “Greer”?

      I know a Greer, it’s a rare one but does appear once in awhile.

      May 26, 2008 at 4:39 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #13   NoPunIntended bang

    I’m a little perplexed… if the ice doesn’t refill itself, and the trash doesn’t take itself out, and the dishes don’t wash themselves… then how the fuck does shit get done around here?

    May 25, 2008 at 4:07 pm   rating: 22  small thumbs up

     
  • #14   lfroland bang

    If Jessi can afford to buy a green white-board marker, why can’t she buy the “kitchen (black) type” garbage bags herself? WTF?

    For that matter, why isn’t she doing the dishes herself? Is she lazy?

    Team Do It/Buy It Yourself Lazy Bitch

    As an aside, I thought it said “those dear bags” instead of “those clear bags.” Team I Yearn for Plastic

    May 25, 2008 at 4:29 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   Charlotte

      I’m also confused as to why Jessi is asking for money for garbage bags, particularly from somebody who clearly neither gives a fuck nor has any responsibility to give said fuck.

      Jessi, honey, are you that poor? Because if you are, I can totally give you a few dollars and a roll of Bounty, if only you’d put the green dry-erase marker down and back away slowly.

      May 26, 2008 at 4:23 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.2   known unknown bang

      ohhh honey, I hope I’m confused from your last post and you’re not messing with Jessi and the Ice Fairy about being too poor to afford something and all the while stealing beer (not wine) from your mother…

      I can totally give you a few dollars and a security deposit, poor baby.

      May 26, 2008 at 4:33 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.3   amazon bang

      Actually, kitchen bags are white. Black bags are for the outdoor trash bins, yard-clipping, etc.

      Jessi needs to get her colors straight before she starts making accusations.

      May 26, 2008 at 5:17 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.4   Crash bang

      I think she needs the black ones cause they can handle the weight of her roommate… :twisted:

      And the white ones reveal too much. 8O

      May 26, 2008 at 8:57 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #15   jfruh

    I like the interrobang (!?) after “GROSS” in note #1. It seems to imply that just maybe not taking the garbage isn’t gross! There’s only one to find out…

    May 25, 2008 at 5:10 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #15.1   Sundance bang

      It does rather look as if she is asking whether it is gross or not.

      May 25, 2008 at 8:31 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #16   Resident Grammarian esq bang

    I love how she added the paper towels to the end of the note. As in, “and I told you to pick up paper towels you douche”

    May 25, 2008 at 6:42 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #17   TuesdayPillow

    I’m gonna join Team I Yearn for Plastic and combine with Team I Yearn for My Wine, bitch.

    Hey, you raised her! See what a crappy job you did?

    May 25, 2008 at 7:26 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #18   pixie bang

    Passive-aggressive AND mildly alcoholic, real class.

    May 25, 2008 at 7:41 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #19   Quite Contrary

    Yes, I agree. Bush is one of the worst national disasters to hit the United States. I am surprised, however, that has been categorized as a news flash.

    May 25, 2008 at 8:37 pm   rating: 17  small thumbs up

    • #19.1   thebutterzone

      natural disasters, natch.

      May 25, 2008 at 8:44 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #19.2   fink

      natch!

      May 27, 2008 at 11:53 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #20   bellabeastie

    Preternatural Disasters. The worst kind.

    May 25, 2008 at 11:14 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #21   cricket bang

    NewsFlash! if you ever leave me a note like this, I will punch you in the face.

    May 26, 2008 at 3:37 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #22   Charlotte

    Luckily for me, I don’t steal my mom’s wine. I steal her beer. Once again I am saved from the throes of passive-aggressiveness! Well, the receiving end, anyway.

    I’m confused about the “100 degree weather” comment on the Ice Fairy note. Do you mean it’s one-hundred degrees inside the actual building? If so, then it might be time to invest in some air-conditioning, dude.

    May 26, 2008 at 4:07 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #23   appleheart bang

    NEWSFLASH! cab-u-lous 2005 North Coast Cabernet Sauvignon is worth exactly $10.

    May 26, 2008 at 4:21 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #24   jabbadabbaduu

    So, Jessi wants Green to use clear plastic bags for the bathroom garbage. GROSS?! Who wants to see what’s getting thrown away in the bathroom?

    Also, she says she can “fill you in or give me money (…)” How very british of you, Jessi. And by the way, I’m glad “tey” is not me mom.

    May 26, 2008 at 6:20 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #25   coolhand bang

    newsflash: if the bottle says “cab-u-lous” at the top, you can probably afford another one…

    May 26, 2008 at 9:02 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #26   marcopuffin bang

    Newsflash, mother: your daughter is probably drowning the sorrows of her alco-upbringing – it’s cheaper than therapy, so shut up.

    May 26, 2008 at 4:35 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

     
  • #27   fantasy bang

    …..will you please take out the garbage, fill the ice trays and do the dishes?

    …..not right now, I am watching a Newsflash and having a glass of wine.

    Maybe later after it gets cooler in here!

    May 26, 2008 at 9:13 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #28   RALPHY

    About the wine mom, I’m going to give it back as soon as I strain it thru my kidneys.

    May 26, 2008 at 10:42 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #29   zenvelo

    wow! talk about PA! I can’t comment on the next post!

    May 27, 2008 at 12:23 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #30   claw71 bang

    I’m not a big fan of the “newsflash” preface device. It’s like a much less creative and humorous version of David Spade’s snark from SNL. 1993 called….it wants its wit back

    I would be on TEAM MOM regarding the wine issue except for the fact that I have no respect for parents who resort to PAN Post-its. Obviously, I’m not the only one with a limited supply of reverence for these sorry bags of meat.

    Kick that mooching whore out and change the locks.

    May 27, 2008 at 9:44 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #31   GhostWriter bang

    Back in 1985, Mom caught me sneaking out the back door with a bottle of Manischewitz. For the next 23 years, she has continually insisted that she won’t “buy my wine”, even though she drinks the majority of it.

    It’s gotten to the point where, if I try to split a bottle with my wife, and Mom finds out, she’s pissed that she didn’t get to “try” it with us.

    May 27, 2008 at 10:15 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #31.1   bellabeastie

      No offense, GW, but I think the word is “tey”.

      **hic** ;-)

      May 27, 2008 at 10:32 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #31.2   claw71 bang

      And were you going to use that kosher swill for pancake syrup or was the plan to actually drink it?

      May 27, 2008 at 11:10 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #31.3   GhostWriter bang

      Each club member was to purloin a bottle from their parents’ stash. We ended up with a bottle of Creme de Menthe, Pear Schnapps, and a family-size NyQuil.

      We were a dizzy club.

      May 27, 2008 at 11:56 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #32   GhostWriter bang

    To Be Fair…
    …the last pic is more of a News Lash.

    May 27, 2008 at 10:21 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #33   Jessi

    Aw, sorry to ruin the fun and give the backstory here. This was last summer, subletting an apartment with a couple of people I did not know at all, much less SAW. No idea where the “green” at the top came from, but I didn’t write it. The marker was there when we moved in, as was the white board. The problem here was there were two very very smelly, very very bug-attractive bags of trash just sitting by the door. For a week.

    And yes, I’m that poor that buying all of the household products for the entire summer was a bit of a burden, especially when roomie #1 told me (in a rare encounter) that she did not know WHERE to buy paper towels or garbage bags.

    The dishes note is not mine.

    May 31, 2008 at 4:20 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #34   deathsentence

    RUSS!!!

    STOP TROLLING!!!

    ASSWIPE!!!!

    Jun 7, 2008 at 3:19 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #34.1   Russ

      What’s “trolling”?

      Jun 7, 2008 at 3:24 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #34.2   deathsentence

      trolling is when you visit a site in order to entice more visitors to your own site or blog- you’ve left a stupid comment and your web address on the last seven or eight threads- you make me want to puke

      also- your name is linked to your site, no reason to add the address in your comment- a sure sign of trolling

      Jun 7, 2008 at 3:29 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #35   Russ

    Sorry. I was having a blast reading all of these. Didn’t mean to come off that way.

    Great blog.

    Jun 7, 2008 at 3:33 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #35.1   deathsentence

      No harm, no foul.

      Welcome to PAN! Take some time to read the posts and threads, get to know us, add your two cents. I personally prefer smart and snarky to “like, ohmigod, that so totally happened to me”.

      PS: just ignore the message I left on your blog :grin:

      Jun 7, 2008 at 3:39 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #36   Russ

    I’m bookmarking this site. It’s a great idea for a blog, and I’ll lessen my number of comments.

    Keep up the good work.

    (Talk about passive aggressive exchanges huh?)

    Jun 7, 2008 at 3:44 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     

Comments are Closed