thou shalt honor thy facebook newsfeed, and keep it holy

May 29th, 2008 · 99 comments

a certain facebook friend of our anonymous submitter seems to have been going through a rough couple of weeks. but, hey, at least she seems to be confronting her issues!

(confidential to facebook friend: i’m no shrink, but i have a feeling this strategy might be more effective if the method of confrontation was something other than a status-update blind item on facebook. just a thought!)

EMAIL THIS POST TO A PAL!

FILED UNDER: facebook · you know who you are

99 responses so far ↓

#1 gingerE

It really is no fun to spread rumours about things that are true. Who does that?

May 29, 2008 at 9:43 pm rating: +7

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- #1.1 amazon
  
  “truth” is such an elastic concept. Do we ever know what’s really true?
  
  May 30, 2008 at 8:23 pm rating: +1
- #1.2 bellabeastie
  
  Good question…
  
  Going with the whole biblical thing - is it all in the eyes of the beholder? Is it lodged in our belief the person is a “truth-teller”?
  
  I am waaay to effin tired to continue this thought process… but we may have something here.
  
  May 31, 2008 at 11:39 pm rating: 0
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#2 Quite Contrary

Oh please. All of this “i have” and “repulsion” and third person blind crap. Cut to the chase…

As in, “You suck. You’re a fat douche. Don’t ever violate my laundry again. THX SANDRA.”

May 29, 2008 at 9:45 pm rating: +13

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- #2.1 karla
  
  Technically that would be:
  
  “YOU” SUCK. YOURE A FAT DOUCHE. DONT EVER “VIOLATE” MY “LAUNDRY” AGAIN. THX SANDRA”
  
  May 30, 2008 at 9:25 am rating: +4
- #2.2 vivitop
  
  Nah, I think it will be:
  
  “YOU” SUCK. YOURE A FAT DOUCHE. DONT EVER “VIOLATE” MY “LAUNDRY” AGAIN. THX SANDRA”
  
  PS. IF YOU SHIT IN MY TOILET, YOU OWN ME 5$!
  
  May 30, 2008 at 9:37 am rating: +2
- #2.3 Quite Contrary
  
  I stand corrected.
  
  May 30, 2008 at 10:19 am rating: 0
- #2.4 amazon
  
  Actually, it is “YOUR A FAT DOUCHE.”
  
  May 30, 2008 at 8:24 pm rating: +2
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#3 KittyKat

The repulsion I have . . . shall not bear false witness on me? Does she have multiple personalities or what?

May 29, 2008 at 9:52 pm rating: +3

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- #3.1 Juliet
  
  Yeah, what does that even mean? That she’s not lying about being repulsed?
  
  May 31, 2008 at 3:03 pm rating: +1
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#4 park rose

Yeah, stop it Pinocchio, or I’ll get all biblical on your arse.

May 29, 2008 at 9:52 pm rating: +10

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#5 Canthz_B

This must be like Thanksgiving for one habitual lying person!

May 29, 2008 at 9:53 pm rating: +3

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#6 KittyKat

Oh, and the gossip and false rumours I fed on were fucking delicious!

May 29, 2008 at 9:53 pm rating: +2

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#7 KittyKat

I fed on gossip for a week once. It wasn’t very filling, but it sure tasted sweet.

May 29, 2008 at 10:00 pm rating: +10

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#8 zombieBlanco

Facebook friend is fed up with the people who like to feed on gossip and like to spread rumors about stuff that isn’t true…: friend better stay the hell out of here!

May 29, 2008 at 10:07 pm rating: +1

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- #8.1 gossipgirl
  
  y’all definitely know who you are - drama feeders!
  
  May 29, 2008 at 10:09 pm rating: +1
- #8.2 wright
  
  Guilty as charged, gg. Still, at least we’re up front about it.
  
  May 29, 2008 at 11:22 pm rating: +1
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#9 Canthz_B

Are we talking 9th Commandment or 5th Amendment here?

May 29, 2008 at 10:09 pm rating: +1

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- #9.1 Joe
  
  Well, that’s what the guy was doing — filling in her peers so they could judge her.
  
  May 29, 2008 at 11:13 pm rating: +1
- #9.2 Canthz_B
  
  “The revulsion I have…shall not bear false witness on me”—5th Amendment (self-incrimination). :rool:
  
  May 29, 2008 at 11:35 pm rating: +1
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#10 bellabeastie

Dear Ladies (and I use the term loosely):

You know who you are. I shall not bear false witness on you, however you are now dis-invited to the Annual Mongolian BBQ for Gossip Bottom Feeders such as yourself.

Only Habitual Liars and Drama Queens need fill out the necessary paperwork as to what you will contribute. However, we know it won’t be accurate, so please see Casey in Human Resources for any clarification.

The key to the bathroom and any wardrobe suggestions will be offered for the low, low fee of $5.00 and one bag of vomit payable on demand. (FYI - 2 bags will get you in for free!)

THX SANDRA will be providing the hats and leftover Matzos.

Moses

May 29, 2008 at 10:10 pm rating: +18

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#11 Sheepish

I’ve decided to break as many Commandments in this post as possible…
Oh my God! (2nd) As I came to worship at the alter of the PAN Goddess (1st) I found this facebook status post that I wanted for myself and no other. (9 & 10). I told my Dad to F***K off when he called during my worship session. (4) I had dirty thoughts about CB and Claw and wished I could be friends and lovers with RB. (9, 10 & 6) I plan on murdering any facebook ‘friends’ of mine that post anything as ridiculous as shit. (5) And on Sunday I will preform my weekly sacrifice to the Goddess of PAN. (1 & 3)
whew.

May 29, 2008 at 10:12 pm rating: +21

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- #11.1 Canthz_B
  
  That’s ok, Sheepish.Not everyone is good at taking orders. They should have called them The Ten Strong Suggestions.
  
  May 29, 2008 at 10:49 pm rating: +11
- #11.2 Sheepish
  
  i had to Google The Ten Commandments, ’cause i didn’t know all 10.
  hell is going to be so much fun when i get there.
  
  May 29, 2008 at 11:01 pm rating: +7
- #11.3 Quite Contrary
  
  Mishee and I will save you a seat. We’ve been there for a while…
  
  May 29, 2008 at 11:08 pm rating: +1
- #11.4 NoPunIntended
  
  You friggen stole (7) my idea! Okay, okay not really, I’m such a bloody liar (8).
  
  May 29, 2008 at 11:15 pm rating: +2
- #11.5 Tyler
  
  Umm, it would have been a little more funny if you got the commandments right…
  
  May 30, 2008 at 12:10 am rating: 0
- #11.6 se
  
  I think it’s funnier that she didn’t get the commandments right.
  
  May 30, 2008 at 10:19 am rating: +1
- #11.7 Sheepish
  
  Damn Google… the internet consistently makes me look like a fool.
  
  May 30, 2008 at 12:16 pm rating: 0
- #11.8 Quite Contrary
  
  Did you try wikipedia? They’re so accurate (citation needed).
  
  May 30, 2008 at 1:00 pm rating: +4
- #11.9 amazon
  
  Now do it with the 7 deadly sins!
  
  (apparently, I didn’t look down one below. Sorry Wade!)
  
  May 30, 2008 at 8:29 pm rating: 0
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#12 Wade

It really is too bad she takes such Pride in expressing her Wrath so Slothfully. Sadly, in her Greedy Lust to provoke Envy, she proves to be a Glutton for ridicule.

May 29, 2008 at 10:15 pm rating: +34

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- #12.1 Canthz_B
  
  That’s just sinful, Wade!
  
  May 29, 2008 at 10:32 pm rating: +2
- #12.2 Quite Contrary
  
  Did you have to google those like Sheepish did or did you just happen to know them?
  
  May 29, 2008 at 11:09 pm rating: 0
- #12.3 Wade
  
  LOL QC
  
  Who needs Google when you have Flogging Molly
  
  May 29, 2008 at 11:15 pm rating: 0
- #12.4 Numinous
  
  Dude, I thought everyone here knew the 7 deadly sins by heart. I dare you guys to name one that you don’t enjoy.
  
  May 30, 2008 at 7:59 am rating: 0
- #12.5 unholyghost2003
  
  ummm I don’t really enjoy envy, being envious is pretty unpleasant. Do I get a prize?
  
  May 30, 2008 at 8:12 am rating: 0
- #12.6 Numinous
  
  No prize.
  
  I’m not sure I believe you though. Our society uses envy quite a bit for marketing purposes. Haven’t you been swayed by the ads that show you a guy and promise you’ll be just like him by buying their product. Those ads usually pair envy with lust or pride or greed. If you buy this, hot girls will want you, you’ll look this good, you’ll be this smart, you’ll be this successful, etc.
  
  May 30, 2008 at 8:20 am rating: 0
- #12.7 unholyghost2003
  
  Right, but all of that works on the premise that envy is unpleasant. You are envious of the guy with the hot chicks, so you buy the brand of beer so YOU can stop being envious and just being just plain lustful.
  
  If envy was pleasant then the ads wouldn’t work. I would be all “YES! Those people have nicer shit than I do. Sweet I want their stuff. I’m not going to try to get it so I can keep this feeling FOREVER!” *nipple rubbing*
  
  May 30, 2008 at 8:32 am rating: +4
- #12.8 Numinous
  
  There must be something wrong with me then, because I’ve never found envy to be unpleasant. If it was, I wouldn’t watch any TV or movies at all. Who could bear to see all those characters with their better looks and more interesting lives if envy was so awful? How can I live vicariously through others if I don’t envy them? Heck, fictional literature would never have developed.
  
  May 30, 2008 at 8:46 am rating: 0
- #12.9 unholyghost2003
  
  umm because there is a lot of room between “unpleasant” and “so awful”
  
  aww I’ll leave you alone. I think maybe you just forgot about envy and are trying to backtrack a bit.
  
  May 30, 2008 at 9:02 am rating: +3
- #12.10 secondsout
  
  You shouldn’t have to google the seven deadly sins if you have watched the film “Seven” enough. I mean, really, the image of the fat man who has had to eat himself to death burns a vivid image of the sin “gluttony” in one’s mind. But who wants to watch the old Charlton Heston film “The Ten Commandments” more than once? Perhaps the Catholic church should consider this when planning their school curricula.
  
  May 30, 2008 at 11:49 am rating: +3
- #12.11 Canthz_B
  
  Sorry, but I don’t enjoy Gluttony. I lose my appetite at the sight of too much food on a plate.
  
  Still no prizes though, right?
  
  May 30, 2008 at 11:56 am rating: +1
- #12.12 RunBarbara
  
  i avoid envy by being better looking than the smart girls and smarter than the better looking girls.
  i dont enjoy sloth, actually. who wants to roll around in their own filth and feces while life passes them by?
  i mean, besidesthose two girls with that damn cup.
  
  May 30, 2008 at 12:14 pm rating: +3
- #12.13 secondsout
  
  You can avoid envy, but you still are guilty of the sin of pride. Begone, sinner!
  
  May 30, 2008 at 12:20 pm rating: +1
- #12.14 secondsout
  
  On that note, does anyone else remember the Simpsons episode where Rod and Todd are watching some religious show? They show two sheep and one is confessing a sin, and getting forgiven by God. The next one says, “I wish I had a sin to confess.” God replies, “you do, the sin of envy.” “Yay!!”
  
  May 30, 2008 at 12:21 pm rating: +1
- #12.15 Numinous
  
  I seriously did not forget envy, but you’ll never believe me so I guess I’ll drop it.
  
  Nope, still no prizes. I can’t imagine disliking gluttony. Then again, I was raised in an italian family where eating was an art form. “What, no second helping? Are you feeling ok?”
  
  As for sloth, I would never take it so far RB. However, I do enjoy laying in bed all day. I personally feel that alternating bouts of Sloth and Lust are an excellent way to spend a Saturday.
  
  May 30, 2008 at 12:28 pm rating: +3
- #12.16 KittyKat
  
  ’sout, one of them also says, “Lies make Baby Jesus cry.” But you should all quit harshing on Numinous. As Ned Flanders says “Don’t judge your neighbor. That’s for a vengeful God to do.”
  
  May 30, 2008 at 12:46 pm rating: +2
- #12.17 RunBarbara
  
  i think its just the extent to which you take any deadly sin- a little sloth is okay (sleeping in, etc), a little wrath is okay (wtf? she’s fucking fat), etc.
  gluttony, though. uh. i get sick when i eat too much.
  
  May 30, 2008 at 12:55 pm rating: 0
- #12.18 KittyKat
  
  Ah, but you couldn’t get shitfaced and drunk dial people without a little gluttonous consumption of alcohol.
  
  May 30, 2008 at 1:03 pm rating: 0
- #12.19 Canthz_B
  
  Does copious reach the level of gluttonous?
  I think not!! hic° °
  
  May 30, 2008 at 1:33 pm rating: 0
- #12.20 KittyKat
  
  Copious alcohol is when you wake up next to a stranger in the morning. Gluttonous alcohol is when you wake up next to two strangers, a hedgehog and a circus clown.
  
  May 30, 2008 at 2:03 pm rating: +7
- #12.21 Quite Contrary
  
  Finally someone explained it to me in terms I could understand!
  
  May 30, 2008 at 2:24 pm rating: +3
- #12.22 unholyghost2003
  
  Circus clowns are pretty ripped … just an FYI … all the tumbling they do.
  
  May 30, 2008 at 2:28 pm rating: +1
- #12.23 amazon
  
  Gluttony doesn’t have to be food. It could be indulging in other things as well…
  
  like $300 black boots…
  
  May 30, 2008 at 8:35 pm rating: 0
- #12.24 Canthz_B
  
  I lose my appetite at $300 black (or any other color) boots as well.
  
  May 30, 2008 at 9:36 pm rating: 0
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#13 Quite Contrary

After 12 years of catholic school, I’ve purged the ten commandments and the seven deadly sins out of my brain. Didn’t even occur to me to google them…

May 29, 2008 at 11:10 pm rating: +2

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- #13.1 Sheepish
  
  QC i’m right there with ‘ya. i escaped 20 years of Mormon life and i haven’t looked back since. i was actually glad that i had to Google them. it means my recovery is going well. i plan to purge the rest of my guilt the next time i puke in the ladies garbage can.
  maybe my HR department will want it?
  the best vomit is guilt vomit!
  
  May 29, 2008 at 11:15 pm rating: +3
- #13.2 zombieBlanco
  
  QC
  glad the ‘catholic’ school worked for the purging– a Catholic school would have burned those puppies into your soul
  
  May 29, 2008 at 11:28 pm rating: +2
- #13.3 Quite Contrary
  
  Did I forget to mention that I live with the guilt of this purging every single effin day?
  
  May 30, 2008 at 12:26 am rating: +1
- #13.4 bellabeastie
  
  Aah, Guilt.
  
  The Gift That Keeps On Giving.
  
  May 30, 2008 at 12:56 am rating: +1
- #13.5 Quite Contrary
  
  Yes, it does. And I have a Catholic mother and a Jewish stepmother. I will never win!
  
  May 30, 2008 at 9:16 am rating: 0
- #13.6 amazon
  
  Holy Crap, QC! Bravo for you being a (seemingly) normal person!
  
  May 30, 2008 at 8:37 pm rating: 0
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#14 GVI

If this is what her Facebook looks like can you imagine how insane her Twitter would be.

May 29, 2008 at 11:16 pm rating: +3

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- #14.1 Tyler
  
  Or the seizure you’d get from her Myspace page.
  
  May 30, 2008 at 12:13 am rating: +2
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#15 cricket

is REALLY curious to know who the fuck she’s talking about.

May 30, 2008 at 12:57 am rating: 0

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#16 Sarah

Other people’s “drama”? More like your “unnecessary” quotation marks. Where’s the tag?

May 30, 2008 at 1:12 am rating: 0

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#17 known unknown

“is thinking that if certain Commandment quoting Facebook Friends stopped ‘feeding up’ on certain ‘gossip fed’ repulsive males, maybe they wouldn’t be so fucking FAT! WTF?!”

May 30, 2008 at 1:14 am rating: +3

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#18 César

this girl totally had sex with that guy

May 30, 2008 at 1:41 am rating: +17

reply to this comment
- #18.1 Numinous
  
  Well, duh!
  
  May 30, 2008 at 8:00 am rating: +2
- #18.2 Quite Contrary
  
  And he didn’t call, natch.
  
  May 30, 2008 at 9:17 am rating: +4

painfully polite and hilariously hostile writings from shared spaces the world over

thou shalt honor thy facebook newsfeed, and keep it holy

May 29th, 2008 · 99 comments

99 responses so far ↓