maybe “no teenagers” would have been simpler

June 2nd, 2008 · 136 comments

our anonymous submitter spotted this signage at a homemade water park somewhere near cherry point, south carolina.

FILED UNDER: crazypants · sex sex sex · south carolina · spelling and grammar police · unnecessary "quotation marks" · you know who you are

136 responses so far ↓

#1 Bryant

FIRST mua hahahahaha

Jun 2, 2008 at 7:33 am rating: 0

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- #1.1 Mishee
  
  Good to know the pre-teens are waking up early these days.
  
  Jun 2, 2008 at 10:26 am rating: +20
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#2 Cai

your kids learn it all from tv anyway

Jun 2, 2008 at 7:33 am rating: 0

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#3 MJaz

5. NO FUN

Bubba the Bouncer will expell you on your filthy ass!

Jun 2, 2008 at 7:35 am rating: +1

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- #3.1 vndlfan
  
  Permently!
  
  Jun 2, 2008 at 11:21 am rating: 0
- #3.2 Bellabeastie
  
  Actually vndlfan, I believe it’s “Permantly”.
  
  Just sayin’…
  
  Jun 2, 2008 at 2:51 pm rating: 0
- #3.3 HojoMojo
  
  “GASP!”
  You said “ass”.
  That clearly goes against rule #1 of the C.O.D.
  No pool for you.
  
  Jun 2, 2008 at 5:33 pm rating: 0
- #3.4 Ashley Paige
  
  Permanently. Seriously guys. Get a dictionary.
  
  Jun 4, 2008 at 10:10 am rating: 0
- #3.5 Mishee
  
  or they can just log on to http://www.m-w.com
  
  Duh.
  
  Jun 4, 2008 at 10:29 am rating: +1
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#4 alapickles

Be told.

Jun 2, 2008 at 7:37 am rating: 0

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#5 jabbadabbaduu

I would worry more about those little, innocent kids risking permanent damage from all those “quotation marks”! If they’re exposed to this at such an early age, who knows when they’ll start using…

Jun 2, 2008 at 7:40 am rating: +25

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#6 john

there’s a lot going on with these signs! someone took a lot of time to make the official ones with perfectly spaced letters, etc. but there’s real beauty in the hand-scrawled sign below it. maybe it was after that sign was posted that the original sign was amended to include the no drug reference…

and if you can’t go to the community pool for sex play, where can you go?!

Jun 2, 2008 at 8:00 am rating: +2

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#7 Mishee

Well, after seeing the bottom sign, I am glad to know that Anthony Grosso is NOT dead from Rene Hall’s smoking, and that he is alive in well in South Carolina.

*sigh*

(Spider on crack writing… it’s just beautiful!)

Jun 2, 2008 at 8:21 am rating: +7

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- #7.1 claw71
  
  I’m much more disturbed by the use of orange Simplex nails to attach the sign. This is clearly the work of one of those contractors who incorporates a Jesus fish in his business logo. Creepy.
  
  Jun 2, 2008 at 8:31 am rating: +9
- #7.2 southern girl
  
  My sentiments exactly Mishee. When I just SAW it, without even reading it, I thought, “Wow, that handwritten note REEKS of Anthony Grosso!”
  
  Now if only we could locate Terry and/or Rene.
  
  Jun 2, 2008 at 9:21 am rating: +4
- #7.3 Shane
  
  @claw71 - What’s Jesus got to do with it? I’m pretty sure a majority of Muhammad’s followers disapprove of this type of behavior as well.
  
  Jun 5, 2008 at 10:47 am rating: +1
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#8 Mishee

I love how the bottom sign on the right tells you if you don’t plan to obey just leave, “before you are ejected rudely” - at least they don’t want to be rude!

Jun 2, 2008 at 8:23 am rating: +2

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#9 claw71

Sex Play.

What is “Hair”?

Jun 2, 2008 at 8:28 am rating: +8

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- #9.1 Mishee
  
  Hey now claw, Hair was about the Vietnam War, Draft Dodging, the 60s counterculture, and friendship! (oh, and drugs)
  
  Jun 2, 2008 at 8:30 am rating: +2
- #9.2 claw71
  
  We also would have accepted Caligula.
  
  Jun 2, 2008 at 8:34 am rating: +4
- #9.3 GhostWriter
  
  GhostWriter wagered $5700 on, “What is ‘Equus’“?
  
  Jun 2, 2008 at 9:54 am rating: +1
- #9.4 cre8tivewmn
  
  Don’t forget “Oh, Calcutta!”
  
  Jun 2, 2008 at 12:48 pm rating: 0
- #9.5 Canthz_B
  
  So, sex play with a horse is definitely out, right?
  Are donkeys and mules fair game?
  Getty-up there, mule!!!
  
  Hey, check out that ass!!!
  
  Jun 2, 2008 at 8:51 pm rating: +2
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#10 Mishee

#3 on the sign got cut off, it actually says “No Alcohol or Drugs outside - Take that shit to the coffee house bathroom!

Jun 2, 2008 at 8:31 am rating: +3

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- #10.1 jayne.
  
  that made me laugh because as soon as i read it, i just knew someone was going to make the reference.
  you all remember everything. it’s rather impressive.
  
  Jun 2, 2008 at 10:47 am rating: 0
- #10.2 Mishee
  
  well thank you jayne, you know, when you spend more of the day on here than with your loved ones (or actually getting work done!) you tend to remember a thing or two…
  
  I’m no Steel Trap like Wade, but I do okay!
  
  *walks away humming a Beck song*
  
  Jun 2, 2008 at 10:51 am rating: +1
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#11 Gez

Those teenage teasers make me cuss.

Jun 2, 2008 at 8:33 am rating: 0

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- #11.1 claw71
  
  Yeah, and if you’re worried about Sex play, wouldn’t you want the teasers to stick around.
  
  Jun 2, 2008 at 8:38 am rating: 0
- #11.2 RunBarbara
  
  Tasers? Oh, damn. You said teasers. I got all aflutter.
  
  Jun 2, 2008 at 10:46 am rating: +1
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#12 claw71

Since so much work went into this sign I have to assume they have addressed all the pertinent issues… so feel free to relieve your bowels and bladders in the water as you see fit.

Jun 2, 2008 at 8:37 am rating: +12

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- #12.1 Mishee
  
  claw, I am two steps ahead of you. Already done.
  
  *sigh of relief*
  
  Jun 2, 2008 at 9:08 am rating: 0
- #12.2 amazon
  
  *taps Mishee on the shoulder, and points to a different sign*
  
  http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1231/1092030106_361f6e106f.jpg?v=0
  
  Jun 2, 2008 at 11:20 am rating: +1
- #12.3 Mishee
  
  Claw, maybe the “Not Responsible for Accidents” is referencing using the pool as a toilet then…?
  
  Jun 2, 2008 at 1:40 pm rating: 0
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#13 claw71

And by the way, ladies. claw71 does not engage in any sex play. For me it’s strictly business. Dirty, sweaty, stinky business.

Jun 2, 2008 at 8:39 am rating: +15

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- #13.1 RandyinReno
  
  Momma, what’s sex play?
  
  Jun 2, 2008 at 12:17 pm rating: 0
- #13.2 GhostWriter
  
  “A sex plays its own gender-specific games. Females play Barbies, and males play Hot Wheels.”
  
  “I want a Barbie too, Momma!”
  
  ((smackkk!))
  
  “Here’s your Hot Wheel.”
  
  Jun 2, 2008 at 12:26 pm rating: +3
- #13.3 claw71
  
  Do you suppose it’s just a coincidence that those Hot Wheels are perfectly sized to fit up the ass of your average 7 year-old boy?
  
  Jun 2, 2008 at 12:32 pm rating: +3
- #13.4 RunBarbara
  
  Barbie legs are great for bustin’ a hymen. Also not a coincidence.
  
  Jun 2, 2008 at 12:40 pm rating: +3
- #13.5 secondsout
  
  I don’t know about 7 yo boys, but God Damn, was that funny when the guy did it on the Jackass movie. Oop, I cussed. I might be “permanently “expelled.”
  
  Jun 2, 2008 at 1:26 pm rating: 0
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#14 lieberhaeschen

first of all, i worked for a Jesus contractor and it was the best job i ever had. second, is it just me, or have there been a lot of “unnecessary” quotes lately?
Love,
Lauren

Jun 2, 2008 at 8:53 am rating: +1

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- #14.1 claw71
  
  The problem with religious employers is they don’t believe in providing benefits like health insurance or vacation time. God will heal you and heaven is all the vacation a true Christian needs.
  
  Jun 2, 2008 at 9:10 am rating: +11
- #14.2 secondsout
  
  A Jesus contractor? Umm, yes, I need a Jesus. We have a possessed young boy here who needs the devil cast out. Please send a Jesus over. Oh, and a Mary Magdalene. We have a bachelor party later.
  
  Jun 2, 2008 at 1:28 pm rating: +11
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#15 Mishee

I love “filthy and illegal acts” - sure beats “Clean and Legal Acts”…

Jun 2, 2008 at 9:04 am rating: +1

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- #15.1 claw71
  
  Mishee, how many times have I told you?
  
  The Dirty Sanchez is perfectly legal. So’s that Cleveland Steamer you love so much.
  
  And would it kill you to give Mr. Mishee a blumpkin when he’s doing his “paperwork”.
  
  Jun 2, 2008 at 9:08 am rating: +4
- #15.2 Mishee
  
  Damn you google and your thorough search results!
  
  Jun 2, 2008 at 9:11 am rating: +2
- #15.3 Lorelie
  
  Damn you work computer with the net nanny!
  
  Jun 2, 2008 at 9:53 am rating: +2
- #15.4 RunBarbara
  
  I really have been craving some sex play with a total lack of respect. I guess its time to haul my cookies to South Carolina.
  
  Jun 2, 2008 at 10:43 am rating: +1
- #15.5 Mishee
  
  or just up here to my bathroom…
  
  Jun 2, 2008 at 10:47 am rating: 0
- #15.6 RunBarbara
  
  We cant use the bathroom Mishee, I fear it will be a big job.
  
  Jun 2, 2008 at 10:49 am rating: +8
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#16 RALPHY

The hand written sign is totally by an impotent life guard that’s too ugly to attract a “partner” and can’t stand the thought that any one else can. IMHO

Jun 2, 2008 at 9:04 am rating: 0

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- #16.1 Mishee
  
  So RALPHY, did you write the second note yourself, or did your mother help you with that?
  
  Jun 2, 2008 at 9:09 am rating: +3
- #16.2 KittyKat
  
  Well, let’s see, there’s no lifeguard on duty, so they must just hang around to pick-up “partners.”
  
  Jun 2, 2008 at 9:44 am rating: 0
- #16.3 unholyghost2003
  
  good theory! except for the big sign that says “No Lifeguard on Duty”
  
  Jun 2, 2008 at 9:45 am rating: +2
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#17 Aijaz

Stay gold, Ponyboy. Stay gold. What’s that? “Teasers?” Never mind, then.

Jun 2, 2008 at 9:05 am rating: +3

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#18 Quite Contrary

It’s an interesting evolution. First, clear instructions. When those are ignored, they are followed by sanctimonious, angry and guilt-intended clarifications. When those failed (and they usually do), we moved to a more modern pre-emptive threat.

Sounds and feels like my office.

Jun 2, 2008 at 9:09 am rating: +12

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#19 einekleinetiger

The “won’t somebody please think of the children” argument kills me. I love the way people think kids have never heard or seen bad language before.

Jun 2, 2008 at 9:15 am rating: 0

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- #19.1 secondsout
  
  I agree. In fact, kids should just be exposed to everything as early as possible. Who else is on Team “Porn for children?” Not porn with children, you sicko!
  
  Jun 2, 2008 at 1:30 pm rating: +2
- #19.2 Mishee
  
  I am definitely joining your Team sout - I mean, imagine how much easier the Birds & the Bees talk will be if they have already been watching Porn for a few years?!
  
  Jun 2, 2008 at 1:38 pm rating: +1
- #19.3 Sheepish
  
  i’m on team corrupt-the-children-early.
  but really, who says they’re so innocent anyway?
  i’ve been disrespected by too many 5 year olds with their sense of entitlement and shit.
  teach them to be self-sufficient as early as possible so they stop asking me for things.
  just ’cause they’re small doesn’t mean they can’t take care of themselves.
  fuck your 5 year olds; you ask for too much. if you can’t handle a little filthy language and alcohol then don’t raise your kids in South Carolina!
  
  Jun 2, 2008 at 1:58 pm rating: +2
- #19.4 Canthz_B
  
  If kids didn’t repeat the latest dirty deeds slang how would adults ever learn?
  
  Jun 2, 2008 at 9:00 pm rating: +2
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#20 KittyKat

If they’re really worried about the little kids, wouldn’t it be a good idea to hire a lifeguard?

Jun 2, 2008 at 9:42 am rating: +18

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- #20.1 RunBarbara
  
  A convicted sex offender can monitor swimming just as well as your average life guard.
  
  Jun 2, 2008 at 10:45 am rating: +7
- #20.2 amazon
  
  If they’re worried about the kids, don’t take them to a “homemade” water park!
  
  Jun 2, 2008 at 11:24 am rating: +7
- #20.3 KittyKat
  
  Hey, the pedophiles gotta pick-up “partners” somewhere!
  
  Jun 2, 2008 at 11:27 am rating: 0
- #20.4 RunBarbara
  
  yeah, because for some reason they cant lurk outside of jr. high schools anymore.
  
  Jun 2, 2008 at 12:19 pm rating: 0
- #20.5 secondsout
  
  It’s OK, RB, you can lurk at the kiddy park at Burger King.
  
  Jun 2, 2008 at 1:31 pm rating: 0
- #20.6 RunBarbara
  
  *longs for the ball pit*
  
  Jun 2, 2008 at 2:01 pm rating: 0
- #20.7 Mishee
  
  I’m pretty sure you long for ANY kind of balls RB
  
  Jun 2, 2008 at 2:44 pm rating: 0
- #20.8 RunBarbara
  
  totally. especially your mom’s. let her know i will be over later, make sure she takes a shower. last time she smelled like a fish tank.
  
  Jun 2, 2008 at 2:54 pm rating: 0
- #20.9 Mishee
  
  honey, she can’t afford to use her expensive brass polish every time you come over!!
  
  Jun 2, 2008 at 3:03 pm rating: +1
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#21 GhostWriter

This is what happens when Clear Channel Communications diversifies, and buys up the Weeki Watchee mermaid show. Damn- things were so much simpler when the Mob ran Vegas.

Jun 2, 2008 at 9:51 am rating: +2

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#22 Lorelie

Notice the obviously added in S on Bad Mouths. This was initially directed at a specific person. Curious that one person could raise so much ire, out of an entire water park.

Jun 2, 2008 at 9:57 am rating: 0

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#23

painfully polite and hilariously hostile writings from shared spaces the world over

maybe “no teenagers” would have been simpler

June 2nd, 2008 · 136 comments

136 responses so far ↓