An anonymous submitter in Portland, Maine is currently chafing under one of the most common irritants of communal living: a roommate “who has never once bought toilet paper.”
She and her other roommate tried some of the more subtle manuevers in the passive-aggressive playbook — up to and including the ol’ hide-and-carry — to no avail. (“When we run out, he uses our paper towels instead,” she says.) That is, until her roommate, who’d “had enough of plunging his shit,” decided to up the ante with this note.
related: oh, she said it
145 responses so far ↓
#1
park rose
His ability to clog the toilet, though? We’re down with that.
Jun 5, 2008 at 6:07 am rating: 9
#2
park rose
Well, Maxime has noted that there is more than one Dave. The high toilet paper usage isn’t so inexplicable then
Jun 5, 2008 at 6:11 am rating: 10
#3
RALPHY
The handwriting is lovely-and the little heart that she dots her name with is precious. Well Dave, it looks like the jig is up. No more wiping(one less thing to do). You’ll just have to sit around the community living room stinking.
Jun 5, 2008 at 6:34 am rating: 6
#4
park rose
RestaurantGuide reports that Maxime’s of Portland (Maine) has officially downgraded to a BYO-toilet paper venue.
In the past diners and potential users of the restrooms were greeted with candles flickering in tastefully adorned toilet rolls, 2 complimentary full toilet rolls (extra soft), and a marvellous origami crane made from paper towels. However, due to Mooching Dave’s inexplicable high toilet paper usage and his inability to unclog the toilets, (all customers at Maxime’s are expected to have this ability, and in fact, it is usually expected that they demonstrate it just before their mains are served), the proprietor, Maxime, found it necessary to put this restrictive BYO measure in place.
Sorry for the inconvenience, she said, But a trip to our toilets will still be the trip of a lifetime, and better yet, as you can cater to your own wants and needs, individual satisfaction is guaranteed.
Though RestaurantGuide is sad to see Maxime’s creativity no longer on display in the toilet, or the surrounding areas, we are looking forward to a brand new era of BYO-toilet and tissue paper ingenuity.
Any customers upset at the loss of toilet and tissue paper products are encouraged to contact Dave.
Jun 5, 2008 at 6:49 am rating: 48
#5
G.Pat
Maxime should have removed all tissue + paper products – except for a newspaper or magazine!… or is that passive aggressiveness gone wrong?
Jun 5, 2008 at 7:04 am rating: 6
#6
Sundance
He’ll probably use a Swiffer pad. That’s how those things get so dirty.
He really should use the note though, you know, for good measure.
Jun 5, 2008 at 7:09 am rating: 32
#7
Mishee
Maxime, I don’t know what you are talking about… Daves not here, man.
Jun 5, 2008 at 8:15 am rating: 16
#8
Mishee
Duct Tape: It’s like the force.
It’s got a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
And it apparently helps hold up PANotes also. Interesting.
Jun 5, 2008 at 8:18 am rating: 6
#9
Joe
Leave just the scented pine cones in the bathroom — and nothing else. He’ll get the picture real soon. (I hope.)
Jun 5, 2008 at 8:28 am rating: 8
#10
claw71
My brother has been known to skip the wiping process on bigger jobs and proceed directly to the shower. I’d imagine Dave’s the kind of guy who might see that as a logical alternative to supplying his own TP.
Jun 5, 2008 at 8:30 am rating: 7
#11
Kev Orng
I’m with Maxime on this one. I’ve been in her shoes, and I’ve written a similar note, but for me it was three ladies (scientifically proven to be cleaner, I hear) who were letting me buy all the household sundries. Unfortunately the toilet paper note was on a whiteboard and it was 9 years ago, so it’s too late to snag a photo, sorry. Now that was a year rich in PA notes that have been lost to the ages, what a crime.
The roommates finally capitulated and went to the corner store and bought a four-pack of toilet paper. For two dollars more they could have gone to the grocery store and bought a 24-pack, which is about how much they could go through in a week, but no. I guess they didn’t know you could get TP at the grocery store since their mommies usually brought their groceries to them.
After that, I realized they were a hopeless case, and resorted to the Hide-and-carry method you mentioned. But since I was already doing that with my dishes and dish soap, it wasn’t too much of an inconvenience.
My passive aggression on the dish soap wasn’t in the form of a note though. After I refused to buy anymore for these ladies, I started keeping a bottle of dish soap in my closet with my toilet paper and dishes, and when I was finished eating, I’d put a bit of soap in my glass. Then I’d take my dishes out to the sink and start washing them, and after about three weeks of murmuring and confused looks, they finally asked how I was able to produce dish soap out of thin air.
Jun 5, 2008 at 8:33 am rating: 42
#12
claw71
Team Dave.
Not that I condone his failure to provide his share of the TP and habitual toilet cloggers are some of the lowest forms of life on the planet, it’s just that I have a hard time taking that side of anybody named Maxime and I despise people who dot an “i” with a heart.
Jun 5, 2008 at 8:41 am rating: 13
#13
Maxime
BAHAHAHA I can’t believe this made it up here. GJ roommate.
You guys you don’t even know how crap it was, lol literally. We hid our toilet paper, we even kindly spoke to him saying “You really need to chip in if you use so much toilet paper” and he just refused. We are right next door to a store. And then he started using our paper towels which kept clogging the toilet. So out of spite he’d leave the clogged toilet for us. I have unclogged the toilet more for that boy in just one week than I have for myself in the past 6 months.
It got so bad before he moved out (4 days ago, thank goodness, my other roommate and I are still on the same roll and loving it) that we removed even the hand towels lol.
xoxo, Maxime bahaha
Jun 5, 2008 at 8:47 am rating: 25
#14
Mishee
After just going to use my very own bathroom, my very own husband (ironically, Dave) blocked up my damn toilet again.
I feel Maxime’s pain.
Jun 5, 2008 at 8:51 am rating: 2
#15
einekleinetiger
It would probably be easier to just kick the dude out. Maxime has the power to “officially” remove paper products, does she not? Do those powers also grant her the ability to kick out unpleasant house members?
I used to live with some foul, disgusting roommates. At least they didn’t tie up the shower. Showering more than once a semester = totally environmentally unfriendly.
Jun 5, 2008 at 9:27 am rating: 2
#16
KittyKat
What kind of piece of crap PAN note is this? For the love of God, where are the pink penises? The crazy, sketchy handwriting? The ubiquitous WTF? WTF?!!!! For pete’s sake, there’s only one fucking (delicious) exclamation point!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jun 5, 2008 at 9:28 am rating: 7
#17
What?
You leave a “paper product” to announce the removal of all “paper products”? Don’t you think Dave might wipe his ass with your note? And when you leave a note complaining that he wiped his ass with your previous note, he’ll use that one as well. I bet notebook paper can really clog a toilet.
Jun 5, 2008 at 9:52 am rating: 9
#18
claw71
Women own the ultimate trump card in bathroom battles: menstrual blood.
A few drops on the seat and every bathroom demand will be honored.
Jun 5, 2008 at 10:01 am rating: 14
#19
Ryan
The RETURN of the SUPER Passive Aggressive notes – SWEeeeet! This one is classic!
Friendly writing style ——————— CHECK!
Pastel Ink and or ornate writing ——– CHECK!
Rant about relatively small matter
(in this case toilet paper use) ————- CHECK!
Public Notice – Casting Blame ———- CHECK!
False Apology Within the Note———- CHECK!
Ridiculously False Cute Ending ——— CHECK!
Use of hearts or Bubble Text ————CHECK!
This one has it all!
Jun 5, 2008 at 10:12 am rating: 15
#20
GhostWriter
Team Dave has my vote, because there are rules to war.
Roommates might be moochers or skinflints or creepers or freeloaders, but bathroom sieges are off-limits. No matter what the circumstances, a water closet is to remain stocked with toilet paper. Leading a man into the can and then surprising him with a paperless office environment cannot lead to in good happenings. Wiping must be done. Wiping will be done. Imagine RoboCop’s viewport scanning the area, highlighting suitable substitutes; the shower curtain, the floormat, a dozen Tampax, your Bioré facial wipes, or perhaps the Bebe T-shirt you erringly left near the sink.
Do you really want to tempt him in this position? The guy is not going to simply stand up, zip up, and walk down to Walmart. Bottom line: forget about the paper towels, your fuzzy slippers have just been rendered unusable.
The true P/A way would be to reallocate his portion of toilet paper fees to other accounts. Surely he is not in charge of the bills. When you discreetly have assigned him the entire cable TV costs, fronting him $2 a week for toilet paper won’t seem so bad.
Jun 5, 2008 at 10:13 am rating: 10
#21
karla
DAVE,
I HAVE “REMOVED” ALL PAPER PRODUCTS FROM HERE OUR OLD “PIPES” CANT HANDLE THE “BIG JOB” OF PAPER TOWELS USE THE TRASH “BECAUSE” YOU CAN
THX
SANDRA
Jun 5, 2008 at 10:21 am rating: 13
#22
Ryan
I love THX SANDRA – She’s my passive aggressive idol!
Jun 5, 2008 at 10:25 am rating: 5
#23
Dr. How
A simple “WTF? (What the fuck)” post-it note left on the clogged pile in the bowl would have sufficed. (Source: Google)
Jun 5, 2008 at 10:55 am rating: 7
#24
Garcy
Those Explosive Poo Shitsicles were delicious.
Jun 5, 2008 at 11:16 am rating: 1
#25
DB
he’ll probably start using their laundry.
Jun 5, 2008 at 11:34 am rating: 0
#26
claw71
I roomed with Sheryl Crow for a while before she made it big. She was into that conservation kick even then.
I’m pretty cool with the whole mellow yellow philosophy and I thought the whole splitting of the two ply sheets was actually pretty creative but I drew the line with her turd compatability chart. Sometimes you just need to flush, I don’t care if there is room for two more.
Jun 5, 2008 at 11:35 am rating: 19
#27
Sarah
And if you don’t want to BYOTP, contact Casey in Human Resources.
Jun 5, 2008 at 11:45 am rating: 1
#28
Canthz_B
That’s just great.
Now Dave will start in on the leaves of the silk ficus tree!
Jun 5, 2008 at 12:04 pm rating: 6
#29
Canthz_B
This one time at band camp the counselors taught us this little ditty:
♫ Stranded.
Stranded on the toilet bowl.
What can you do when you’re stranded,
And you don’t have a roll?
To prove you’re a man,
You must wipe it with your hand.
Stranded,
On the toilet bowl. ♫
Jun 5, 2008 at 12:15 pm rating: 5
#30
thrall38
My husband once had a roommate with 6 cats. As cats do, they would get peeved about something. These particular cats meted out justice by peeing on top of the fridge. The pee seeped around the gasket forming long, golden peesicles suspended from the roof of the freezer. Since we essentially lived at my place, we did not find these until move-out day. We abandoned the fridge.
Jun 5, 2008 at 12:42 pm rating: 14
#31
Joy
Maxime — I can’t believe you let Dave live w/ you as long as you did. It sounds it was at least several months. I would have heaved his explosive ass and all his shit (so to speak) out the door the first time he refused to buy any TP. What an asshole!
Jun 5, 2008 at 1:45 pm rating: 4
#32
secondsout
There was this one time when Maxime had a guy stay over. He got up a little early, to make her breakfast in bed. First things first, off to go on the five-minute weight loss program. He goes in, lays a cake, then to his horror, finds no toilet paper. He looks around, and finds nothing. “Godalmighty,” he thinks to himself. Then he wonders about the girl with whom he spent the night. He flushes the toilet, runs home for a thorough shower, and never calls her again. Maxime always just thought it was because she squirted in bed.
Jun 5, 2008 at 1:49 pm rating: 14
#33
Summer
X’s, O’s and Hearts, OH MY!
Jun 5, 2008 at 2:22 pm rating: 1
#34
claw71
I prefer to wipe my ass with bunnies but they don’t flush easily so I made the switch to kittens because they clean themselves so diligently.
Of course, kittens grow up and cats are too big for my ass crack. Plus they tend to fight and there’s nothing worse than a cat scratch on your scrotum. So once those kittens hit 8 months of age I sell them to my local Korean take out joint and pick up a fresh batch of free kittens from the neighborhood trailer park.
Jun 5, 2008 at 3:55 pm rating: 12
#35
just me
easy solution to the plunging problem:
get Dave some laxative!
Jun 5, 2008 at 8:08 pm rating: 0
#36
McCaffeine
They better remove the towels too. I wouldn’t want that shit on my towels. Literally.
Jun 5, 2008 at 9:48 pm rating: 0
#37
TuesdayPillow
Why don’t you just ASK HIM. Men work well if you bop them over the head a few times and be straightforward. Subtle and not-so-subtle hints don’t work well with the MENS.
Jun 6, 2008 at 1:09 am rating: 0
#38
Ade
But what if Dave decides to use the note?
Jun 6, 2008 at 4:46 am rating: 1
#39
cricket
the excuse men use that REALLY chaps my ass is “well, women use WAY more toilet paper, so how is it fair that I have to buy it?”
one of my roommates actually said that and WHEN begrudgingly bought TP he only gave us a few rolls of it, the fucking Scrooge.
this guy Dave is an asshole deluxe with cheese.
Jun 6, 2008 at 4:53 am rating: 2
#40
Jsmoke
“Dave, why are you not wiping your ass Dave? I’m very disturbed by your actions Dave.”—Hal 9000
Jun 6, 2008 at 5:18 am rating: 3
#41
Uncomfortable
I just want to make an observation…
Why hasn’t anyone pointed out that Maxime posted her own note?
Jun 6, 2008 at 9:09 am rating: 0
#42
kristin
The X’s and O’s have a rather insincere ring to them.
Jun 6, 2008 at 9:43 am rating: 1
#43
cricket
Maxime: “Dave used approximately 1 roll per day on his own”
goddamn, was he eating it?!
maybe he needed more fiber in his diet
BAM!
Jun 6, 2008 at 2:29 pm rating: 1
#44
Olivia
Is “Maxime” even a name? I thought it was “Maxine.”
To prove my point even more, the little jagged red line just popped up under “Maxime.”
Jun 7, 2008 at 2:24 am rating: 2
#45
Russ
Too much information about this guy Dave’s bathroom habits.
http://death-sentences.blogspot.com/
Jun 7, 2008 at 3:07 am rating: 0
#46
octavius
At university I and two other guys had a room-mate for a year who was as tight as duck’s ass. When he was finally forced to buy lavatory products first he got the cheapest one ply, that your finger goes through, then he found some product ( this was in Britain, I think it was called Izal ) that was smooth and shiny and came in sheets about two inches square. His passive aggressive response to complaints was to “accidentally” forget to flush because he was so stressed out by work etc.
One time we came home to find this monster turd sticking out the water, it looked like a submarine was trying to surface and the thing wouldn’t go round the bend no matter how hard you flushed so eventually someone had to break it in half with a stick. Then the freaking stick wouldn’t flush.
Jun 16, 2008 at 1:52 pm rating: 0
#47
:)
i know this man-girl she sucks.
Jul 7, 2008 at 3:22 pm rating: 0
#48 what $48,000 a year gets you
[...] related: you might want to take a hard look at your washcloth first [...]
Oct 1, 2008 at 9:00 am rating: 0
#49
Aldae
Dave,
Just wash up in the sink…Poor man’s Bidet style!
Nov 11, 2008 at 5:08 pm rating: 0
#50 The Toilet Paper Wars | PassiveAggressiveNotes.com
[...] someone starts hiding the formerly communal toilet paper, that’s typically the beginning of the [...]
May 26, 2010 at 4:56 pm rating: 0
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