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You might want to take a hard look at your washcloth.

June 5th, 2008 · 145 comments

An anonymous submitter in Portland, Maine is currently chafing under one of the most common irritants of communal living: a roommate “who has never once bought toilet paper.”

She and her other roommate tried some of the more subtle manuevers in the passive-aggressive playbook — up to and including the ol’ hide-and-carry — to no avail. (“When we run out, he uses our paper towels instead,” she says.) That is, until her roommate, who’d “had enough of plunging his shit,” decided to up the ante with this note.

ATTN: Due to Dave's continuous mooching, inexplicably high toilet paper usage, and inability to unclog the toilet, I am officially removing all tissue + paper products from the bathroom + surrounding areas. From now own you will have to BRING YOUR OWN TOILET PAPER.  Apologies. If you have any problems you can contact Dave. xoxo, Maxime

related: oh, she said it

FILED UNDER: all clogged up · bathroom · Maine · paper product fairy · rainbow-colored · roommates · shit · toilet · toilet paper · xoxo

145 responses so far ↓

  • #1   park rose bang

    His ability to clog the toilet, though? We’re down with that.

    Jun 5, 2008 at 6:07 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

  • #2   park rose bang

    Well, Maxime has noted that there is more than one Dave. The high toilet paper usage isn’t so inexplicable then ;)

    Jun 5, 2008 at 6:11 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

  • #3   RALPHY

    The handwriting is lovely-and the little heart that she dots her name with is precious. Well Dave, it looks like the jig is up. No more wiping(one less thing to do). You’ll just have to sit around the community living room stinking.

    Jun 5, 2008 at 6:34 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

  • #4   park rose bang

    RestaurantGuide reports that Maxime’s of Portland (Maine) has officially downgraded to a BYO-toilet paper venue.

    In the past diners and potential users of the restrooms were greeted with candles flickering in tastefully adorned toilet rolls, 2 complimentary full toilet rolls (extra soft), and a marvellous origami crane made from paper towels. However, due to Mooching Dave’s inexplicable high toilet paper usage and his inability to unclog the toilets, (all customers at Maxime’s are expected to have this ability, and in fact, it is usually expected that they demonstrate it just before their mains are served), the proprietor, Maxime, found it necessary to put this restrictive BYO measure in place.

    Sorry for the inconvenience, she said, But a trip to our toilets will still be the trip of a lifetime, and better yet, as you can cater to your own wants and needs, individual satisfaction is guaranteed.

    Though RestaurantGuide is sad to see Maxime’s creativity no longer on display in the toilet, or the surrounding areas, we are looking forward to a brand new era of BYO-toilet and tissue paper ingenuity.

    Any customers upset at the loss of toilet and tissue paper products are encouraged to contact Dave.

    Jun 5, 2008 at 6:49 am   rating: 49  small thumbs up

  • #5   G.Pat bang

    Maxime should have removed all tissue + paper products – except for a newspaper or magazine!… or is that passive aggressiveness gone wrong?

    Jun 5, 2008 at 7:04 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   pistola

      I knew some kids in college who used telephone book pages when times got rough, no pun intended.

      Jun 5, 2008 at 11:36 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #5.2   djr

      I say she should have descreetly replaced the toilet paper roll with a roll of sand paper.

      Jun 5, 2008 at 11:56 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

  • #6   Sundance bang

    He’ll probably use a Swiffer pad. That’s how those things get so dirty.

    He really should use the note though, you know, for good measure.

    Jun 5, 2008 at 7:09 am   rating: 32  small thumbs up

  • #7   Mishee bang

    Maxime, I don’t know what you are talking about… Daves not here, man.

    Jun 5, 2008 at 8:15 am   rating: 16  small thumbs up

    • #7.1   cricket bang

      goddamn it. you beat me to it.

      Jun 6, 2008 at 4:46 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #8   Mishee bang

    Duct Tape: It’s like the force.

    It’s got a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

    And it apparently helps hold up PANotes also. Interesting.

    Jun 5, 2008 at 8:18 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   Joe

      Dear renters,
      The duct tape residue left on the walls of the unit necessitate repainting, so you will not be getting your security deposit back. If you have any problems you can contact Maxime.
      The landlord

      Jun 5, 2008 at 8:31 am   rating: 28  small thumbs up

    • #8.2   dcc bang

      The landl?rd

      (that question-mark was a love-heart when I typed it..)

      Jun 5, 2008 at 7:06 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #8.3   Canthz_B bang

      Yeah, right… ♥ :-)

      Jun 5, 2008 at 7:13 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #9   Joe

    Leave just the scented pine cones in the bathroom — and nothing else. He’ll get the picture real soon. (I hope.)

    Jun 5, 2008 at 8:28 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #9.1   Numinous bang

      Or put 3 sea shells in place of the TP…

      Jun 6, 2008 at 7:49 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #9.2   Mishee bang

      But he might not know how to use the seashells…

      (wow, didn’t think I would see a Demolition Man reference… anywhere… ever…)

      Jun 6, 2008 at 8:19 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #10   claw71 bang

    My brother has been known to skip the wiping process on bigger jobs and proceed directly to the shower. I’d imagine Dave’s the kind of guy who might see that as a logical alternative to supplying his own TP.

    Jun 5, 2008 at 8:30 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #10.1   Joe

      Not a bad idea! They might want to think about hiding their loofahs, too.

      Jun 5, 2008 at 8:31 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #10.2   digitalxsunrise

      he might even start peeing in the shower & wiping everything on the walls as the ultimate retaliation. girls, i’d watch your backs.

      Jun 5, 2008 at 9:02 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #10.3   Kev Orng

      The Explosive Poo Shitsicle roommate I mentioned in a comment down below would pee in the shower, but it wasn’t out of spite, just convenience.

      At the end of the year when the rest of us decided to put on gloves and masks and see just how bad it had gotten, there was ample evidence of a full year of shower-peeing along with a mighty strata of shitsicles on the bottom of the seat.

      Yes, there was “throwing up” induced by this excursion, it was a “big job”

      Jun 5, 2008 at 9:13 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #10.4   Quite Contrary

      Oy. I haven’t eaten breakfast yet. And I guess I won’t be now.

      Jun 5, 2008 at 9:25 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #10.5   secondsout bang

      To quote George Costanza, in regards to peeing in the shower, “they’re all pipes!”

      Jun 5, 2008 at 1:12 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #10.6   GR8T JOB

      mmm? your brother?

      Jun 19, 2008 at 4:48 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #11   Kev Orng

    I’m with Maxime on this one. I’ve been in her shoes, and I’ve written a similar note, but for me it was three ladies (scientifically proven to be cleaner, I hear) who were letting me buy all the household sundries. Unfortunately the toilet paper note was on a whiteboard and it was 9 years ago, so it’s too late to snag a photo, sorry. Now that was a year rich in PA notes that have been lost to the ages, what a crime.

    The roommates finally capitulated and went to the corner store and bought a four-pack of toilet paper. For two dollars more they could have gone to the grocery store and bought a 24-pack, which is about how much they could go through in a week, but no. I guess they didn’t know you could get TP at the grocery store since their mommies usually brought their groceries to them.

    After that, I realized they were a hopeless case, and resorted to the Hide-and-carry method you mentioned. But since I was already doing that with my dishes and dish soap, it wasn’t too much of an inconvenience.

    My passive aggression on the dish soap wasn’t in the form of a note though. After I refused to buy anymore for these ladies, I started keeping a bottle of dish soap in my closet with my toilet paper and dishes, and when I was finished eating, I’d put a bit of soap in my glass. Then I’d take my dishes out to the sink and start washing them, and after about three weeks of murmuring and confused looks, they finally asked how I was able to produce dish soap out of thin air.

    Jun 5, 2008 at 8:33 am   rating: 42  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   Agent Inspired

      Team YOU. ♥

      Jun 6, 2008 at 7:30 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #12   claw71 bang

    Team Dave.

    Not that I condone his failure to provide his share of the TP and habitual toilet cloggers are some of the lowest forms of life on the planet, it’s just that I have a hard time taking that side of anybody named Maxime and I despise people who dot an “i” with a heart.

    Jun 5, 2008 at 8:41 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

  • #13   Maxime

    BAHAHAHA I can’t believe this made it up here. GJ roommate.

    You guys you don’t even know how crap it was, lol literally. We hid our toilet paper, we even kindly spoke to him saying “You really need to chip in if you use so much toilet paper” and he just refused. We are right next door to a store. And then he started using our paper towels which kept clogging the toilet. So out of spite he’d leave the clogged toilet for us. I have unclogged the toilet more for that boy in just one week than I have for myself in the past 6 months.

    It got so bad before he moved out (4 days ago, thank goodness, my other roommate and I are still on the same roll and loving it) that we removed even the hand towels lol.

    xoxo, Maxime bahaha

    Jun 5, 2008 at 8:47 am   rating: 25  small thumbs up

    • #13.1   Kev Orng

      I sympathize with you, more than you can imagine. See my TP story above.

      And another house I lived in we had “explosive poo” guy. He could coat the underside of the seat with shitsicles in about a day and a half.

      We had five people in that house, and luckily two bathrooms. It didn’t take long before we came to the unspoken agreement that the four of us would share the big bathroom, and the little one was his alone. And it didn’t take long after that before his friends started discretely asking us if they could use our bathroom instead of his when they were visiting.

      Jun 5, 2008 at 8:58 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

    • #13.2   Maxime


      Kev, I hear you. <3

      Jun 5, 2008 at 9:02 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #13.3   Mishee bang


      Mr. Mishee is gonna hear that one next time I clean the bathroom, even though he doesn’t make it THAT bad!! LOL!

      Jun 5, 2008 at 9:17 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #13.4   einekleinetiger

      I feel you. I think anybody who has ever had to share a bathroom with someone disgusting feels you.

      One of my old roommates left explosive shit all over the toilet and never cleaned it. And the guy left pubes EVERYWHERE. I found one sitting on top of the TP once. He would disappear into the bathroom and come out 45 minutes later. No surprise, since he only drank coke and only ate things that came out of a yellow freezer box and a soup can.

      If he was using hand towels to be passive aggressive, watch out, your note is probably next. And make sure you don’t have any bath towels hanging up.

      Jun 5, 2008 at 9:34 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #13.5   GhostWriter bang

      The thing I love about Maxime is her infectious laugh.

      Jun 5, 2008 at 9:39 am   rating: 20  small thumbs up

    • #13.6   Quite Contrary


      Jun 5, 2008 at 9:51 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #13.7   Kev Orng

      @Mishee, please send my apologies to Mr. Mishee.

      These shitsicles were actually icicle shaped, they were frickin stalactites for crying out loud.

      Jun 5, 2008 at 10:10 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #13.8   Sarah bang

      Maxime, I covet your name.

      Jun 5, 2008 at 11:43 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #13.9   secondsout bang

      I knew this woman who had this long-haired dog who would crap and get shit stuck in his fur. The vet described them as “poopsicles.” While “shitsicle” has its charm, “poopsicles” goes a little bit further. Sounds like something you’d eat. Almost.

      Jun 5, 2008 at 1:17 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #13.10   RunBarbara bang

      dont lie.
      it was your dog.
      and you did eat them.

      Jun 5, 2008 at 1:32 pm   rating: 19  small thumbs up

  • #14   Mishee bang

    After just going to use my very own bathroom, my very own husband (ironically, Dave) blocked up my damn toilet again.

    I feel Maxime’s pain.

    Jun 5, 2008 at 8:51 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #15   einekleinetiger

    It would probably be easier to just kick the dude out. Maxime has the power to “officially” remove paper products, does she not? Do those powers also grant her the ability to kick out unpleasant house members?

    I used to live with some foul, disgusting roommates. At least they didn’t tie up the shower. Showering more than once a semester = totally environmentally unfriendly.

    Jun 5, 2008 at 9:27 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #15.1   Maxime

      <3 He has been kicked out. Gone as of a few days ago and we are still on the same roll of toilet paper and living it up :D

      Jun 5, 2008 at 11:15 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #16   KittyKat bang

    What kind of piece of crap PAN note is this? For the love of God, where are the pink penises? The crazy, sketchy handwriting? The ubiquitous WTF? WTF?!!!! For pete’s sake, there’s only one fucking (delicious) exclamation point!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Jun 5, 2008 at 9:28 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #16.1   RunBarbara bang

      *craves clip art*

      Jun 5, 2008 at 10:47 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #16.2   Amy

      Of a toilet clog?

      Jun 5, 2008 at 5:16 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #17   What?

    You leave a “paper product” to announce the removal of all “paper products”? Don’t you think Dave might wipe his ass with your note? And when you leave a note complaining that he wiped his ass with your previous note, he’ll use that one as well. I bet notebook paper can really clog a toilet.

    Jun 5, 2008 at 9:52 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #17.1   Jen

      That’s a good point.

      Jun 5, 2008 at 10:19 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #18   claw71 bang

    Women own the ultimate trump card in bathroom battles: menstrual blood.

    A few drops on the seat and every bathroom demand will be honored.

    Jun 5, 2008 at 10:01 am   rating: 14  small thumbs up

    • #18.1   KittyKat bang

      I wouldn’t have thought you’d be so squeamish, claw.

      Jun 5, 2008 at 10:18 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #18.2   RunBarbara bang

      I just use the tampon to scrawl a little happy face on the seat. I want everyone to know that they are welcome to sit where I bleed.

      Jun 5, 2008 at 10:44 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #18.3   Sundance bang

      I’ve tried to mark my territory with a little menstrual blood, but the dog kept licking it up, so I gave in.

      Jun 5, 2008 at 11:22 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #18.4   RunBarbara bang

      Saves money on peanut butter and teeth cleaning bills from the vet.

      Jun 5, 2008 at 11:23 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #18.5   GhostWriter bang

      Is it even possible to exactingly drop a measured amount of menstrual blood wherever you wish? If so, how did this whole industry of napkins become so prevalent?

      And, I need you to decorate my wedding cake.

      Jun 5, 2008 at 11:33 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #18.6   RunBarbara bang

      Well, I usually transfer it to my mouth and then spit it where ever I want to leave my DNA.
      Wedding cake? I can do “roses”.

      Jun 5, 2008 at 11:38 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #18.7   KittyKat bang

      OMG! If I get fired because I get busted out from laughing at you guys, I’m REALLY going to see Casey in Human Resources.

      Jun 5, 2008 at 11:45 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

    • #18.8   GhostWriter bang

      Northeastern native Americans used to drink the fresh mentrual blood of the bride during wedding celebrations. It was a fertility rite for the couple. To this day, it is considered acceptable to include a tiny bit of it in a wedding punch at Iroquois marriages.

      sure, that’s bullshit, but you were buying it, weren’t you?

      Jun 5, 2008 at 11:47 am   rating: 19  small thumbs up

    • #18.9   RunBarbara bang

      Up until I realized that the groom would be earning his Red Wings on their wedding night. Then I realized it was pure crap.
      But I still like you, GW.

      Jun 5, 2008 at 11:50 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #18.10   Phat girl

      I once thought my 100 year old Texan grandmothers use of the term “fucking wetbacks” in reference to all people of Mexican descent was the most disgusting and inappropriate thing I had ever heard in my life.

      Then I started reading this comment thread.

      Jun 6, 2008 at 11:35 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #18.11   Mishee bang

      well most of them are wetbacks, so why would that be inappropriate?

      PAN is NOT for the thin skinned… we are just getting started here!

      One of my favorite jokes:

      Q: Why doesn’t Mexico ever do well in the Olympics?

      A: Because all the ones who can run, jump, or swim any good are already over here! LOL!

      Jun 6, 2008 at 11:55 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #18.12   Phat girl

      OMG! I think my head just exploded.

      Jun 6, 2008 at 12:01 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #18.13   Mishee bang

      Funny that’s how I feel when I am at home, minding my own damn business every single May 5th, and my neighbors all play their fucking wetback music HELLA loud with no thought to the fact that I might NOT LIKE IT…

      Yep, head gonna explode. I feel ya.

      Jun 6, 2008 at 12:04 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #18.14   Canthz_B bang

      My poor intolerant Mishee. Maybe this will help your headache next May 5th, Darling:

      The date is perhaps best recognized in the United States as a date to celebrate the culture and experiences of Americans of Mexican ancestry, much as St. Patrick’s Day, Oktoberfest, and the Chinese New Year are used to celebrate those of Irish, German, and Chinese ancestry respectively. Similar to those holidays, Cinco de Mayo is observed by many Americans regardless of ethnic origin. ;-)

      Jun 6, 2008 at 12:41 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #18.15   Mishee bang

      Don’t even get me started on the Germans (self expanatory), Chinese (can’t drive, great food!), and the shiftless Irish (drunks)!!

      Jun 6, 2008 at 12:47 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #18.16   anglophile bang

      Don’t forget the Slovaks. I hate those Slovaks–they have no stereotypes!

      Jun 6, 2008 at 1:07 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #18.17   Canthz_B bang

      Have you heard the one about the Polish genius?

      Neither has anyone else! :mrgreen:

      Jun 6, 2008 at 1:18 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #19   Ryan

    The RETURN of the SUPER Passive Aggressive notes – SWEeeeet! This one is classic!

    Friendly writing style ——————— CHECK!
    Pastel Ink and or ornate writing ——– CHECK!
    Rant about relatively small matter
    (in this case toilet paper use) ————- CHECK!
    Public Notice – Casting Blame ———- CHECK!
    False Apology Within the Note———- CHECK!
    Ridiculously False Cute Ending ——— CHECK!
    Use of hearts or Bubble Text ————CHECK!

    This one has it all!

    Jun 5, 2008 at 10:12 am   rating: 15  small thumbs up

    • #19.1   Sirius bang

      You forgot

      Multiple color changes
      Poor punctuation/sentence structure
      Mid-sentence ALLCAPS
      “Official” edicts

      But, as RB pointed out, sadly no clip art

      Jun 5, 2008 at 11:08 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #19.2   Quite Contrary

      It wasn’t random mid-sentence all caps either. The all caps had a role…to ANNOUNCE THE NEW EDICT.

      I was a little disappointed in the actual writing. The right writing could have added that little bit of zing. Bubble letters or Casey’s single-word-on-a-page style could have really put it over the top.

      Jun 5, 2008 at 1:23 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #19.3   wright

      The use of duct tape kicks it a notch or two up the PAN scale, too. No other adhesive conveys the same sense of menacing utility.

      Go Team Maxime!

      Jun 5, 2008 at 5:38 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #19.4   Kev orng

      @wright; perhaps you’re not familiar with that epoxy where you have to mix the two ingredients together right before you apply it. A far more passive agressive adhesive in my opinion

      Jun 5, 2008 at 6:00 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #19.5   Mishee bang

      resin epoxy definitely takes the PA cake in my opinion.

      Jun 5, 2008 at 6:14 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #19.6   wright

      A large sticky point, Kev orng.

      Jun 5, 2008 at 7:35 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #20   GhostWriter bang

    Team Dave has my vote, because there are rules to war.

    Roommates might be moochers or skinflints or creepers or freeloaders, but bathroom sieges are off-limits. No matter what the circumstances, a water closet is to remain stocked with toilet paper. Leading a man into the can and then surprising him with a paperless office environment cannot lead to in good happenings. Wiping must be done. Wiping will be done. Imagine RoboCop’s viewport scanning the area, highlighting suitable substitutes; the shower curtain, the floormat, a dozen Tampax, your Bioré facial wipes, or perhaps the Bebe T-shirt you erringly left near the sink.

    Do you really want to tempt him in this position? The guy is not going to simply stand up, zip up, and walk down to Walmart. Bottom line: forget about the paper towels, your fuzzy slippers have just been rendered unusable.

    The true P/A way would be to reallocate his portion of toilet paper fees to other accounts. Surely he is not in charge of the bills. When you discreetly have assigned him the entire cable TV costs, fronting him $2 a week for toilet paper won’t seem so bad.

    Jun 5, 2008 at 10:13 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #20.1   Kev Orng

      “No matter what the circumstances, a water closet is to remain stocked with toilet paper”

      Disagree. What this statement really means is “SOMEONE has to ensure that the water closet is stocked with toilet paper”

      When everyone is tight for cash,why should only one person be responsible for this expense? Nope, I’ll start off assuming all roommates will help, but if I’m the only one buying the stuff, then I’m the only one who gets to use it. Tough.

      And frankly, having done the roommate thing, it’s my experience that someone who refuses to pitch in for TP is probably also not pitching in for their share of the utilities, and for that matter, they probably also drink your milk right from the carton. So increasing their share of the cable bill is useless.

      Jun 5, 2008 at 10:32 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #20.2   GhostWriter bang

      I Disagree with your Disagree, and insist that you Agree. Exactly how tight for cash need you be, such that you can’t front somebody, anybody, a roll of toilet paper? I’ll tell you how tight you need be- you need be unable to scrape up 35¢. Are you that tight? How in the world do you end up with a roommate that you despise so much, that you will reject giving him 35¢? Holy Hell, I’ll throw a hobo with a 40 in his hand four bits. But you would begrudge a soiled roommate less than that?

      Frankly, I would be embarrassed to have to tell visitors that my apartment is going through a petty power struggle, and as a result, we are running the bathroom in the style of M*A*S*H latrines. “Hold on Pete, lemme first grab you a roll from my laser-protected Toilet Paper vault- the bathroom’s been purged of any tree-based products…

      If you can’t bury a dollar or two into whatever monthly fees a roommate pays, you are an unskilled collection manager, and should turn the task over to somebody with better money-laundering aptitude.

      Jun 5, 2008 at 11:12 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

    • #20.3   Maxime

      Oy but wouldn’t that be fabulous if he helped with utilities? I had to ask him for his share on a day to day basis. He didn’t even want to buy hand soap so he would take my Tupperware containers and fill them at public restrooms. He expected things to magically happen. The toilet paper magically restocks, the dishwasher magically empties itself, the floor just somehow doesn’t get dirty. *rolls eyes* He also used my razor once for his pubes.

      He really just wasn’t very bright.

      Bahahaha he also told me once he’d shit in the shower if he had to and i told him that would be so awfully embarrassing, to be known as the guy that shit in our shower, and he turned bright red and didn’t go through with it.

      Jun 5, 2008 at 11:13 am   rating: 19  small thumbs up

    • #20.4   Maxime

      Ghost Writer –
      I would agree if he used a normal amt of toilet paper. Dave used approximately 1 roll per day on his own. We discussed it with him, told him he needs to use a normal amt or buy his own. He refused. I am a college student, and he had a full time well paying job. I think it is completely unfair of me to have to pay for him to use an entire roll of toilet paper on who knows what. :)
      But, if you’d like to buy me toilet paper I would adore you for it! ;)

      Jun 5, 2008 at 11:17 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

    • #20.5   GhostWriter bang

      Maxime, you like to play dangerous games with desperate men. I’m betting he turned bright red because he was pushing. Thankfully, he must not be a fiber fan.

      But I’d be willing to PayPal you the equivalent of three full rolls of Charmin, if there is adoration in it for me. That’d get your rommate through the weekend, and I’d have me a apostle! Win -Win.

      Jun 5, 2008 at 11:18 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #20.6   Maxime


      Would have been a riot ghost writer, I don’t know if I could even be mad at that I would be laughing too hard.

      Jun 5, 2008 at 11:21 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #20.7   RunBarbara

      Did anyone think to ask Dave if he would like to see a Dr?

      Jun 5, 2008 at 11:22 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #20.8   GhostWriter bang

      Yes, but Kevorkian was booked through June.

      Jun 5, 2008 at 11:27 am   rating: 21  small thumbs up

    • #20.9   unholyghost2003 bang

      If he was so cheap he would steal hand soap from public restrooms by putting it in tupperware containers, why wouldn’t he just steal toilet paper too? It is easier to discreetly steal toilet paper than it is to discreetly steal hand soap. (I went to college too)

      Jun 5, 2008 at 12:38 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #20.10   Canthz_B bang

      LOL…I used to pilfer rolls of two-ply from my job once upon a day!
      Just my PA way of up-grading my benefits package. :LOL:

      Jun 5, 2008 at 1:12 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #20.11   Kev Orng

      ha ha!

      After three months of supplying all the toilet paper, paper towels, dish soap, hand soap, laundry detergent, milk, bread, condiments, etc, etc, to three 19-yr-old girls living away from home for the first time (lesson: meet your housemates before you sign) I wouldn’t give them a glass of water if their asses were on fire.

      These were the same girls who would go to the dollar store and buy another stack of plastic plates rather than buy a bottle of dish soap. Not disposable plastic either, the hard plastic reusable kind.

      I distributed more than 300 moldy plastic dishes into their bedrooms one weekend. Don’t worry, i gave them a week’s warning.

      If anything, I should be demanding a check from them, plus 9 years interest. But the fact that none of them were talking to each other anymore by the end is payment enough

      Jun 5, 2008 at 2:09 pm   rating: 14  small thumbs up

    • #20.12   amazon

      I had a bitchy moochy roommate, but moved out after the lease was up. I later got a refund from the electric company because of some billing error (of course she was incapable of setting up the utilities, so they were all under my name). I kept her half as a bitch tax!

      Jun 5, 2008 at 6:48 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #20.13   Jahzzie

      First, GhostWriter, Where do buy your TP?!?!?! The cheapest I’ve ever seen it was 75$ for no name brand single roll, and I think it still had visable wood chips in it.
      Second, I had a roomate who is complaining that he was depressed for the last month of our lease because we moved out a month early. We moved out a month early after paying the last months rent of the lease, cleaned up our room, the common room and the kitchen and bath. My boyfriend had graduated from the same school the roommate had. We were DESPERATE to get home because it was Florida and summer was quickly approaching, and I can easily say that this roommate was close to being the worst roommate ever. EVAR.
      I have a list as long as my arm of the complaints my boyfriend and I had about this guy. I wish some of them were as simple as he used too much TP. I ground my back teeth down to nubs from stress over money while he complained about being broke, but still had money to buy Taco Bell and BK almost every day, new handlebars for his Harley and went on graduation trips to Key west.
      Maxime, I’m totally on your side. Iwould have gone to the level of keeping all of my toiletries in a personal caddy, keeping my towels in my room and made the bathroom a “Use at your own risk” status.

      Jun 6, 2008 at 1:20 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #20.14   GhostWriter bang

      I continue to be shocked and awed by the level of possessiveness demonstrated here for toilet paper.

      First off, I disbelieve in the very existence of roommates that use an entire roll of toilet paper every day. Given that he must spend some of his waking hours outside of the apartment, you are describing a mythical Shit-Streaming Big Foot, still unproven to exist. What is more astonishing is the chorus of commenters who join in, stating that they too have had to share their apartment with this beast. The beauty of living with mythical creatures is that they actually use very little, if any, toilet paper. Problem solved.

      …and Kev, I am so very disappointed that you happened to room with three (count ‘em, three!) barely legal girls, and your big story to share with us is that they used a lot of plastic plates. You could have at least made up something about a pillow fight.

      But there will be no convincing you. That I must accept. When my earlier comment contained a link showing exactly where one could buy toilet paper for 35¢, this garnered replies of the sort: “Nope! There is no such thing as cheap toilet paper. I challenge you to provide information showing where one may drink from this virtually free font of toilet paper!! HAHahahahhaaaa…!

      So for the second time, I offer you this money-saving alternative to 7-11 prices. Name-brand Angelsoft, available at your friendly neighborhood Walgreens. Cost per roll? Less than 36¢.

      I realize that this commentary will somehow be interpreted to prove that (a) toilet paper never goes below $3 a roll, and (b) there are Shit-Streaming Big Foots among us. Well, what can I say- when a voting majority has dark thoughts about a roommate, that guy is toast. Reference: “Lord of the Flies”.

      Jun 6, 2008 at 3:53 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #20.15   Maxime

      Hahahaha no no, he used an entire roll a day, and im pretty sure it wasn’t on wiping his ass. Because he would use it all in one go while taking a shower too. So he was either tossing it away for shits n giggles, he was using it for something medically gross or just ridiculously wasteful grooming habits.

      But if we had a full roll in there, he’d come out and it’d be empty.

      Mb he is a mythical creature? O_o

      Least he’s gone now :)

      Jun 7, 2008 at 10:22 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #20.16   camdan bang

      i’m going to have to agree with maxime on this one – using a whole role of toilet paper in one sitting IS possible. when i worked as a hotel clerk, at least once a night there’d be a call about a clogged-up toilet. i’d go up there and sure enough, any roll within reach would be empty, and the toilet would be chock-full of steaming moist toilet paper.

      the guests would usually insist on a new room as their toilet was “inoperable”, to which i would reply that i know staying at a comfort inn is exciting and you might be to tempted to live it up keith richards style by going lente loco with the tp in a way you’d never dream of at home, in the end a toilet is a physical entity with defined limits, and a whole role of tp at once just ain’t one of them.

      then i’d crap my pants.

      Jun 7, 2008 at 9:47 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

  • #21   karla


    Jun 5, 2008 at 10:21 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

    • #21.1   RunBarbara bang

      You know, my Pavlovian reflex is starting to kick in when I see all caps now…

      Jun 5, 2008 at 10:46 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #21.2   rhelian

      If you want to use tp again, please bring $5 to Casey in Human Resources

      Jun 6, 2008 at 12:05 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #22   Ryan

    I love THX SANDRA – She’s my passive aggressive idol!

    Jun 5, 2008 at 10:25 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

  • #23   Dr. How bang

    A simple “WTF? (What the fuck)” post-it note left on the clogged pile in the bowl would have sufficed. (Source: Google)

    Jun 5, 2008 at 10:55 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #23.1   Sarah bang

      Aren’t toilet paper and paper towels enough as it is? Why throw prophylactics in there too?

      Jun 5, 2008 at 11:46 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #24   Garcy

    Those Explosive Poo Shitsicles were delicious.

    Jun 5, 2008 at 11:16 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #25   DB

    he’ll probably start using their laundry.

    Jun 5, 2008 at 11:34 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #26   claw71 bang

    I roomed with Sheryl Crow for a while before she made it big. She was into that conservation kick even then.

    I’m pretty cool with the whole mellow yellow philosophy and I thought the whole splitting of the two ply sheets was actually pretty creative but I drew the line with her turd compatability chart. Sometimes you just need to flush, I don’t care if there is room for two more.

    Jun 5, 2008 at 11:35 am   rating: 19  small thumbs up

    • #26.1   RunBarbara bang

      So, she was pretty good at Tetris, huh?

      Jun 5, 2008 at 11:41 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

    • #26.2   se

      I agree completely. It’s called a courtesy flush.
      And I don’t care that you”wasted” a gallon and a half of water.
      probably waste a whole lot more trying to get the mess to go down the toilet afterwards

      Jun 5, 2008 at 11:56 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #27   Sarah bang

    And if you don’t want to BYOTP, contact Casey in Human Resources.

    Jun 5, 2008 at 11:45 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #27.1   RunBarbara bang

      I dont fucking do toilet paper. I draw the line. I will print your paycheck, I will enroll you in COBRA, I will even approve your request for time off…but I draw the line at TP.

      Jun 5, 2008 at 11:51 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #27.2   KittyKat bang

      You should just draw the line WITH tp, so when the mens have “AN EMERGENCY” they can just grab it and go.

      Jun 5, 2008 at 12:07 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

  • #28   Canthz_B bang

    That’s just great.
    Now Dave will start in on the leaves of the silk ficus tree!

    Jun 5, 2008 at 12:04 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #28.1   RunBarbara bang

      I bet that would be fine as long as he is kept away from archival documents.

      Jun 5, 2008 at 12:06 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

  • #29   Canthz_B bang

    This one time at band camp the counselors taught us this little ditty:

    Stranded on the toilet bowl.
    What can you do when you’re stranded,
    And you don’t have a roll?
    To prove you’re a man,
    You must wipe it with your hand.
    On the toilet bowl.

    Jun 5, 2008 at 12:15 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

  • #30   thrall38

    My husband once had a roommate with 6 cats. As cats do, they would get peeved about something. These particular cats meted out justice by peeing on top of the fridge. The pee seeped around the gasket forming long, golden peesicles suspended from the roof of the freezer. Since we essentially lived at my place, we did not find these until move-out day. We abandoned the fridge.

    Jun 5, 2008 at 12:42 pm   rating: 14  small thumbs up

    • #30.1   Mishee bang

      I totally don’t get the point of the story, but to hear shitsicles AND peesicles in the same day… well, priceless…

      Jun 5, 2008 at 6:26 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #30.2   fantasy bang

      …When that happens to a fridge, the best bet is to put duct tape around it and heave it over the nearest cliff.

      *Don’t even think of salvaging the tupperware.*

      Jun 6, 2008 at 12:08 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #31   Joy

    Maxime — I can’t believe you let Dave live w/ you as long as you did. It sounds it was at least several months. I would have heaved his explosive ass and all his shit (so to speak) out the door the first time he refused to buy any TP. What an asshole!

    Jun 5, 2008 at 1:45 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #32   secondsout bang

    There was this one time when Maxime had a guy stay over. He got up a little early, to make her breakfast in bed. First things first, off to go on the five-minute weight loss program. He goes in, lays a cake, then to his horror, finds no toilet paper. He looks around, and finds nothing. “Godalmighty,” he thinks to himself. Then he wonders about the girl with whom he spent the night. He flushes the toilet, runs home for a thorough shower, and never calls her again. Maxime always just thought it was because she squirted in bed.

    Jun 5, 2008 at 1:49 pm   rating: 14  small thumbs up

    • #32.1   maryssissy

      Now THAT is just nasty! Poor Maxime, to have such a smear campaign.

      Jun 5, 2008 at 7:56 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #33   Summer

    X’s, O’s and Hearts, OH MY!

    Jun 5, 2008 at 2:22 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #34   claw71 bang

    I prefer to wipe my ass with bunnies but they don’t flush easily so I made the switch to kittens because they clean themselves so diligently.

    Of course, kittens grow up and cats are too big for my ass crack. Plus they tend to fight and there’s nothing worse than a cat scratch on your scrotum. So once those kittens hit 8 months of age I sell them to my local Korean take out joint and pick up a fresh batch of free kittens from the neighborhood trailer park.

    Jun 5, 2008 at 3:55 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #34.1   Kev Orng

      You know, those things will generate a fresh batch on their own if you just keep ‘em a few months longer. Save yourself a trip.

      Jun 5, 2008 at 3:58 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #34.2   Mishee bang

      and you can either take the extra unwanted/unneeded kittens out to the river in a gunnysack, or just leave them in the car with the windows rolled up….

      hey, you should do the latter, you might get a wicked PAN out of it!

      Jun 5, 2008 at 6:28 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #35   just me

    easy solution to the plunging problem:

    get Dave some laxative!

    Jun 5, 2008 at 8:08 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #36   McCaffeine

    They better remove the towels too. I wouldn’t want that shit on my towels. Literally.

    Jun 5, 2008 at 9:48 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #37   TuesdayPillow

    Why don’t you just ASK HIM. Men work well if you bop them over the head a few times and be straightforward. Subtle and not-so-subtle hints don’t work well with the MENS.

    Jun 6, 2008 at 1:09 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #37.1   cricket bang

      great suggestion but the problem with that is that THEY DID.

      Dave is just a typical selfish asshole roommate.

      Jun 6, 2008 at 4:54 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #38   Ade

    But what if Dave decides to use the note?

    Jun 6, 2008 at 4:46 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #38.1   Kid Blank

      I hope he does, would be much lols.

      Jun 6, 2008 at 9:36 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #39   cricket bang

    the excuse men use that REALLY chaps my ass is “well, women use WAY more toilet paper, so how is it fair that I have to buy it?”

    one of my roommates actually said that and WHEN begrudgingly bought TP he only gave us a few rolls of it, the fucking Scrooge.

    this guy Dave is an asshole deluxe with cheese.

    Jun 6, 2008 at 4:53 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #40   Jsmoke bang

    “Dave, why are you not wiping your ass Dave? I’m very disturbed by your actions Dave.”—Hal 9000

    Jun 6, 2008 at 5:18 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #40.1   Canthz_B bang

      2008: A Toilet Paper Odyssey!

      Jun 6, 2008 at 6:26 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #41   Uncomfortable

    I just want to make an observation…
    Why hasn’t anyone pointed out that Maxime posted her own note?

    Jun 6, 2008 at 9:09 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #41.1   Kid Blank

      Dear Uncomfortable.
      Plz read closer.
      “that is, until her roommate, who’d “had enough of plunging his shit,” decided to up the ante with this note.” Roommate posted note, Maxime wrote it. (I’m pretty sure, that is what I got from the post anyhow)

      Maybe that’s why no ones poinetd it out, just saying.

      Jun 6, 2008 at 9:17 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #41.2   Uncomfortable

      if you say so. i’m usually wrong.

      Jun 6, 2008 at 9:32 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #41.3   Canthz_B bang

      Just read the description above the picture. That’s where it says so. ;-)

      Jun 6, 2008 at 10:03 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #42   kristin

    The X’s and O’s have a rather insincere ring to them. :-(

    Jun 6, 2008 at 9:43 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #43   cricket bang

    Maxime: “Dave used approximately 1 roll per day on his own”

    goddamn, was he eating it?!

    maybe he needed more fiber in his diet


    Jun 6, 2008 at 2:29 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #43.1   Maxime

      BAHAHAHAHA I don’t know.

      I asked him once what on earth he could use an entire roll a day on and he said “You don’t want to know”

      Mb helping a brotha out and providing a little bit of tp wouldn’t be such an issue if he hadn’t used more than me and my other roommates used in an entire week in one day alone.

      xoxo ;)

      Jun 6, 2008 at 2:46 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #43.2   Mishee bang

      How many women are in this house? Cause I know ALONE I go through more than one roll a week, and I get those CHARMIN (YES! I SAID IT!) mega rolls…

      Or maybe I am the one with the issue… well, I am… and I call my issue 564.1…

      Jun 6, 2008 at 3:08 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #43.3   GhostWriter bang

      Mishee, what we regular subscribers are waiting for is the Swimsuit issue.

      Jun 6, 2008 at 3:56 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #44   Olivia bang

    Is “Maxime” even a name? I thought it was “Maxine.”

    To prove my point even more, the little jagged red line just popped up under “Maxime.” ;-)

    Jun 7, 2008 at 2:24 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #44.1   Maxime

      ;) Have you ever thought maybe there are names that aren’t English or American out there? Crazy idea, people in other parts of the world have different names! They aren’t all named Olivia, Kelly, Sarah, and Ben. I bet you Olivia comes up with a jagged line over there. So great job at being cultured! It’s French ;)

      My parents couldn’t seem to pick a mainstream name, but at least I didn’t end up as Moonshine or Daisylove right? :)

      Jun 7, 2008 at 10:26 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #44.2   Olivia bang

      I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to offend you. :-( I was just teasing.

      As far as “Olivia” being on the same scale as a name like “Sarah,” though, I would have to disagree. I’ve met a TON of Sarahs and only one or girls named “Olivia.” ;-) It’s such an old name — like “Geraldine” or “Mabel.”

      Jun 8, 2008 at 10:43 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #44.3   Jais

      Not that this has anything to do with toilet paper… but you might be interested to know that at the moment Olivia is a far more popular name for baby girls than even Sarah! It’s right up there in the top 5 I believe.

      Jul 1, 2008 at 1:47 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #45   Russ

    Too much information about this guy Dave’s bathroom habits.

    Jun 7, 2008 at 3:07 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #46   octavius bang

    At university I and two other guys had a room-mate for a year who was as tight as duck’s ass. When he was finally forced to buy lavatory products first he got the cheapest one ply, that your finger goes through, then he found some product ( this was in Britain, I think it was called Izal ) that was smooth and shiny and came in sheets about two inches square. His passive aggressive response to complaints was to “accidentally” forget to flush because he was so stressed out by work etc.

    One time we came home to find this monster turd sticking out the water, it looked like a submarine was trying to surface and the thing wouldn’t go round the bend no matter how hard you flushed so eventually someone had to break it in half with a stick. Then the freaking stick wouldn’t flush.

    Jun 16, 2008 at 1:52 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #46.1   Mishee bang

      That is the most disgusting thing I have heard all day.

      And it’s only 11am, but I think it will take the cake.

      Or the turd.

      Jun 16, 2008 at 2:01 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #46.2   octavius

      Thank you. Having confirmed the existence of Izal, which incredibly is still available, I would also like to refer you to another British toilet paper known as Bronco. Their slogan was “Bronco for the bigger wipe.”

      Some of the reviews for these products are worth a read. Perhaps this is why I now live on the Pacific coast of North America!

      Jun 21, 2008 at 1:56 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #47   :)

    i know this man-girl she sucks.

    Jul 7, 2008 at 3:22 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #48   what $48,000 a year gets you

    [...] related: you might want to take a hard look at your washcloth first [...]

    Oct 1, 2008 at 9:00 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #49   Aldae

    Just wash up in the sink…Poor man’s Bidet style!

    Nov 11, 2008 at 5:08 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #50   The Toilet Paper Wars |

    [...] someone starts hiding the formerly communal toilet paper, that’s typically the beginning of the [...]

    May 26, 2010 at 4:56 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up


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