next on thieves with low self-esteem

June 9th, 2008 · 140 comments

terri in d.c. found this sign-bedecked scooter outside her apartment hilarious for three reasons. first off, “the fact that one of those little squirrely-looking scooter guys got out his most aggressive art supply and wrote “fuck off and die” to a stranger.”

second, she says: “i live between two churches, a library, an elementary school, and a high school. classy place to curse at passersby!” and the best part, says terri? “the neighborhood i live in in d.c. is named mount pleasant.”

related: nice try

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FILED UNDER: blitzkrieg approach · d.c. · die bitch die · irregular capitalization · questionable logic · stealing

140 responses so far ↓

#1 English Fail

Aww, the irony!!

Jun 9, 2008 at 6:53 pm rating: +1

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#2 ErikaBlare

Don’t be a bitch? Sorry, pretty rich for a man who drives a scooter. Fail.

Bonus points for the multi-colored paper, though.

Jun 9, 2008 at 6:56 pm rating: +15

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#3 park rose

Well, the good thief has been granted redemption already. Considering the scooter is between two churches, there may be hope for the bad thief’s soul yet.

Jun 9, 2008 at 6:59 pm rating: +4

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- #3.1 ErikaBlare
  
  Unfortunately there is precious little hope for redemption regarding his capitalization, spelling, or grammarian skills. Bad spellers go straight to hell.
  
  Jun 9, 2008 at 7:52 pm rating: +11
- #3.2 park rose
  
  Good penmanship with a cloven hoof is hard enough without having to worry about spelling too!
  
  Jun 9, 2008 at 8:51 pm rating: +6
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#4 Canthz_B

Another refugee from the motivational speaker circuit.

Jun 9, 2008 at 7:03 pm rating: +6

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#5 Canthz_B

I’d leave the scooter a mangled heap of scrap with a note saying “I may be a poor thief, but I’m a damned good vandal!”

Jun 9, 2008 at 7:09 pm rating: +42

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- #5.1 Wade
  
  I work near Mount Pleasant. I’m surprised it hasn’t already happened.
  
  Jun 9, 2008 at 8:06 pm rating: 0
- #5.2 Sharon
  
  Shame on you! I don’t care how bad the grammer is….this owner doesn’t deserve that treatment, by you or the thief. He/she is obviously very frustrated from having had there scooter either vandalized or attempted to be stolen. How you you like it if someone had done that to your car (or bike, or cycle OR HOME!)?
  
  Shame on you!
  
  Jul 20, 2008 at 2:39 am rating: +1
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#6 Canthz_B

Of course he’s a poor thief.
Rich thieves don’t steal scooters.

Jun 9, 2008 at 7:11 pm rating: +18

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#7 secondsout

I wouldn’t sell my bike for all the money in the world. Not for a hundred million, trillion, billion dollars!

Jun 9, 2008 at 7:15 pm rating: +7

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- #7.1 park rose
  
  times ten!
  
  Jun 9, 2008 at 7:25 pm rating: +5
- #7.2 Christina
  
  Then you’re crazy.
  
  Jun 10, 2008 at 2:54 pm rating: +1
- #7.3 KittyKat
  
  It’s a Pee Wee Herman reference, moron.
  
  Jun 10, 2008 at 3:04 pm rating: +1
- #7.4 Canthz_B
  
  OMG! We have to explain Pee Wee now?
  At least she didn’t say “Then your crazy.”
  
  Jun 11, 2008 at 1:53 pm rating: 0
- #7.5 Christina
  
  Hey, KittyKat, I know that. You’re the moron.
  Pee Wee says “I wouldn’t sell my bike for all the money in the world. Not for a hundred million, trillion, billion dollars!”
  
  Then Frances says: “Then you’re crazy.”
  
  Pee Wee: “I know you are but what am I?”
  
  Frances: “You’re a nerd.”
  
  And so on and so on.
  
  I expect an apology.
  
  Jun 12, 2008 at 3:41 pm rating: +1
- #7.6 KittyKat
  
  Hey, Christina, I know you are but what am I?
  
  Jun 12, 2008 at 4:32 pm rating: +2
- #7.7 Mishee
  
  OMG! Christina, that was like, two days ago! Get over it, you might be right, but do you really need validation from a bunch of losers on the internet anyways?
  
  It’s like you’re unraveling a big cable-knit sweater that someone keeps knitting and knitting and knitting and knitting and knitting and knitting…
  
  Jun 12, 2008 at 4:37 pm rating: +1
- #7.8 Christina
  
  In my defense, I don’t like being called a moron, even if it’s from a person whose handle is about as original as a Kate Hudson movie. But you’re right, Mishee. It was two days ago, though I haven’t logged on since then. I think I may be more upset at the fact KittyKat didn’t get my reference than the fact she called me a moron.
  
  Mishee, you made me listen to reason. Thank you.
  
  KittyKat, you’re a cinematic idiot and I feel sorry for you.
  
  Jun 12, 2008 at 4:58 pm rating: +1
- #7.9 Mishee
  
  You don’t wanna get mixed up with a gal like me. I’m a loner. A rebel.
  
  Jun 12, 2008 at 5:03 pm rating: +1
- #7.10 Canthz_B
  
  Hell, if we all demanded apologies for every time we were called names or a reference was not recognized, there would be no commenting on the notes!
  Take it in stride and move on, Christina, with your incredibly original handle.
  
  Jun 12, 2008 at 6:09 pm rating: +1
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#8 JoeInLA

Okay, Canthz_B, time to put the coffee pot down.

Jun 9, 2008 at 7:16 pm rating: +1

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- #8.1 Canthz_B
  
  Comment #8 and you couldn’t address the photos?
  
  Sad.
  
  Jun 9, 2008 at 7:20 pm rating: 0
- #8.2 Mishee
  
  I think I am the only one allowed to make a comment this high up and have it be NOTHING to do with the topic.
  
  But I am Mishee… I have privileges.
  
  Jun 9, 2008 at 7:47 pm rating: +1
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#9 Canthz_B

There is no rhyme or reason to when the writer chooses to use capital letters.
All I can think of is that their health insurance changed for 2008 and they no longer see a therapist.

Jun 9, 2008 at 7:18 pm rating: +4

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#10 secondsout

You might have your scooter still, but you still ride a scooter, and have to really search for your lost dignity.

Jun 9, 2008 at 7:19 pm rating: +14

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- #10.1 pistola
  
  What do fat chicks and scooters have in common?
  
  Fun to ride until your friends find out.
  
  Jun 10, 2008 at 11:30 am rating: +2
- #10.2 maytagman
  
  That joke didn’t go over too well on here … guess we now know the average PAN reader is a fat ass scooter owner.
  
  Jun 18, 2008 at 11:35 pm rating: +3
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#11 secondsout

Does the scooter owner actually drive around with all those signs still attached?

Jun 9, 2008 at 7:22 pm rating: +1

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- #11.1 park rose
  
  Well, the real secret is that he doesn’t have his license yet -
  
  Jun 9, 2008 at 7:28 pm rating: +1
- #11.2 Canthz_B
  
  Naw, he has to replace them with Pizza Hut signs when he’s working!
  
  Jun 9, 2008 at 7:32 pm rating: +13
- #11.3 KittyKat
  
  He doesn’t drive it - just leans up against it to attract the chicks.
  
  Jun 10, 2008 at 9:23 am rating: +2
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#12 secondsout

You are a *bad* grammarian. So many tries - fuck off and learn some grammar. - SecondsOut of the Greater PAN Grammar Nazi Society.

Jun 9, 2008 at 7:29 pm rating: +10

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- #12.1 Stitchin-Liz
  
  and you’re on camera!
  
  Team Greater PAN Grammar Nazi Society!
  
  Jun 9, 2008 at 7:40 pm rating: 0
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#13 GVI

I had something really smart to say about this note but I decided to kill myself, just like what mr. scooter needs to do.

Jun 9, 2008 at 7:42 pm rating: +3

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- #13.1 Mishee
  
  Let’s make koolaid
  
  Jun 9, 2008 at 7:53 pm rating: +6
- #13.2 Jeffrey
  
  That’s urban folklore. Jonestown residents were given Flavor-Aid, and most of them were forcibly injected, so the mass-suicide meme is extremely overblown.
  
  Jun 16, 2008 at 9:40 am rating: 0
- #13.3 Mishee
  
  So they were cheap too. Can’t even spring for brand name Kool-Aid? Wow.
  
  Jun 16, 2008 at 10:06 am rating: +1
- #13.4 maytagman
  
  Where the fuck would you get kool-aid in the middle of the jungle?
  
  Jun 18, 2008 at 11:36 pm rating: 0
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#14 Mishee

This is the point where the would-be thief goes to a biker bar, slashes some tires, and then tells the pissed off Hell’s Angels that is was the scooter guy.

We will see who is the bitch then, won’t we??

Jun 9, 2008 at 7:46 pm rating: +7

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#15 secondsout

I once made the mistake of calling one of those scooters a moped. The guy I knew who drove it was offended. Jeez, sorry…

Jun 9, 2008 at 7:50 pm rating: +4

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#16 Joyful

Maybe she should park her scooter somewhere else?

*She? He?*

Jun 9, 2008 at 7:57 pm rating: 0

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- #16.1 Mishee
  
  joyful brings up a good point.
  
  we don’t know if the driver is an effeminate man, or a girl who (so it seems) could make a sailor blush.
  
  I vote girl, but then again, I am one (a girl who can make Navy men “tsk” at my colorful language) and I wouldn’t be caught dead on that thing.
  
  Jun 9, 2008 at 8:05 pm rating: +3
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#17 losfunkyst

Oh yes, next time the little scooter is definatly going down the drains. As if the poor thief is not already in deep sorrow over his many failed attemps. Now he has to deal with being mocked in public ?

I say get a shed.

Jun 9, 2008 at 8:07 pm rating: +3

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#18 Terri

Updates!

1. Turns out it IS a she. My roommate saw her locking up her bike.

2. She changed all the signs into Spanish (I live in a predominantly Latino neighborhood.). Race!

3. She DOES drive around with all the signs on.

4. She is cray.

Jun 9, 2008 at 8:08 pm rating: +18

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- #18.1 Canthz_B
  
  Thanks for correcting that intro info!
  
  Jun 9, 2008 at 8:15 pm rating: 0
- #18.2 Mishee
  
  I’ve made bi-lingual signs before for workers in my apt one time.
  
  I understand the need to make sure your point gets across.
  
  For all we know this thief kept trying because he had NO IDEA that the colorful signs adorning this scooter were telling him off, he just thought they were decoration for Carnivale! But now that the sign is in Spanish, he knows he’s in deep shit now.
  
  Jun 9, 2008 at 8:16 pm rating: +15
- #18.3 john
  
  I think Thief is writing his doctoral thesis on what it takes to push the limits of the psycho scooter lady by messing with said scooter just enough to push her to deface her own scooter with all these signs. (Long sentence - sorry.) Eventually, she will destroy it herself so that Thief can’t have it. Thief will go on to have a stellar career in the behavioral modification field. Either that, or it’s those freaks from the Dharma Initiative.
  
  Jun 10, 2008 at 7:50 am rating: +3
- #18.4 paranoiagirl
  
  It can’t be the Dharma Initiative. They would’ve successfully stolen both the scooter and the owner, and then returned both to their home with no memory of the incident.
  
  Jun 10, 2008 at 1:12 pm rating: +1
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#19 se

thief must not have really tried to hard. The post that chain is around could be cut through in about 2 minutes. Bye,Bye Scootie into the back of a pickup

Jun 9, 2008 at 8:10 pm rating: +3

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- #19.1 Canthz_B
  
  *thief scratches head wondering where he can steal a hacksaw*
  
  Jun 9, 2008 at 8:23 pm rating: +6
- #19.2 se
  
  I guess if I were to steal a tool to get it done, it would likely be a Sawzall, cut the time down to 20 sec.
  I see hacksaws in yard sales all the time for a dollar or two with good blades. Not sure they cost all that much in the dollar stores.
  Just saying that I don’t think the thief tried very hard to steal it as she seems to say on the sign
  
  Jun 9, 2008 at 8:55 pm rating: 0
- #19.3 marcopuffin
  
  He shouldn’t be peeling off a dollar or two at a yard sale to buy a hacksaw to steal a scooter. He should do it properly and swipe the hacksaw too, or he’s a disgrace to the criminal classes. Oh yes, he’s a disgrace anyway for trying to steal such a horrible object.
  
  Jun 10, 2008 at 6:53 am rating: +3
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#20 Quite Contrary

Even if she had insurance, no one would want to treat her.

Jun 9, 2008 at 8:56 pm rating: +1

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#21 Olivia

I’m really digging the “steal it or don’t, but don’t be a bitch” at the end. I can always appreciate it if someone is just bluntly honest.

Jun 9, 2008 at 9:15 pm rating: +10

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#22 Gordon

I see that driving down 16th street all the time! Glad you posted it!

Jun 9, 2008 at 9:31 pm rating: +3

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- #22.1 Mishee
  
  I would LOVE to see the updated notes… who is gonna go get me some pics of that??
  
  Jun 9, 2008 at 9:56 pm rating: +3
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#23 mike

bottle of water in the gas tank would work wonders

Jun 9, 2008 at 10:49 pm rating: +1

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- #23.1 marcopuffin
  
  or sugar
  
  Jun 10, 2008 at 6:55 am rating: 0
- #23.2 RunBarbara
  
  or getting your BFF Linda to spray paint “prick” on the side after the owner failed to pick you up for the abortion you were having because he got you pregnant in your cabana after drinking your ice tea….
  
  Jun 13, 2008 at 12:56 pm rating: 0
- #23.3 Mishee

painfully polite and hilariously hostile writings from shared spaces the world over