all your baristas are belong to us

June 17th, 2008 · 159 comments

spotted by weston in the backroom of a dallas starbucks: the coffee chain’s recipe for the “keep-our-employees-locked-in-petty-arguments-so-they-won’t-unionize-accino”!

(add one pump “disgruntled english lit ph.d.s” + one pump “functional illiterates”; shake well.)

related: an extra bold request
extra credit: starbucks gossip

EMAIL THIS POST TO A PAL!

FILED UNDER: bathroom · group bitchfest · say wha? · spelling and grammar police · starbucks · towels · you call that a comeback?

159 responses so far ↓

#1 Mark

Ugh, that wall color is horru/ible. Looks like a hospital. Or maybe a kitchen in 1960.

Somebody set up us the bomb. It was probably D man. Or maybe the heisa monster.

Jun 17, 2008 at 7:00 pm rating: 0

reply to this comment
- #1.1 wright
  
  If that really is a kitchen from 1960, they had a helluva progressive management for the day, what with the sexual harassment policy.
  
  Of course, maybe Claw is (as usual) closer to the mark: sexual harassment policies in workplaces in the 60s were there to make sure it was done ‘right’…
  
  Jun 17, 2008 at 7:43 pm rating: 0
- #1.2 secondsout
  
  Dammit, how did Claw get credit for my jokes? He hasn’t even touched this note yet.
  
  Jun 17, 2008 at 7:55 pm rating: +3
- #1.3 RunBarbara
  
  every time claw touches my note he leaves a wet spot.
  
  Jun 17, 2008 at 8:25 pm rating: +3
- #1.4 wright
  
  Apologies, secondsout.
  
  Jun 17, 2008 at 8:43 pm rating: 0
- #1.5 Naomi
  
  Maybe the manager of Sol Food painted it.
  
  Jun 18, 2008 at 10:25 am rating: +4
add to this thread
#2 zchamu

Hmm. Everyone jumped on “are they won’t take them” but nobody seemed to notice the “unless they are ‘rung’ out 1st.” Rungs are on ladders. Towels are wrung. Snark FAIL.

Bonus points for getting the sexual harassment policy in the pic, though.

Jun 17, 2008 at 7:03 pm rating: +12

reply to this comment
- #2.1 Mark
  
  It looks like someone corrected “rung” to “ring” as well. That’s just rong.
  
  Jun 17, 2008 at 7:07 pm rating: +49
- #2.2 Canthz_B
  
  That’s entertainment!
  
  Jun 17, 2008 at 7:12 pm rating: +1
- #2.3 TuesdayPillow
  
  It’s actually “wrung”. Yes there is a “w” in there. If you have any questions, set us up the bomb with Casey in Human Resources.
  
  Jun 19, 2008 at 1:51 am rating: +1
- #2.4 park rose
  
  How about “rong”, TP? I think Mark might have beaten you to the punch
  
  Jun 19, 2008 at 4:48 am rating: 0
- #2.5 TuesdayPillow
  
  Rong? Isn’t that code for a penis in Japanese or something?
  
  Jun 19, 2008 at 6:15 am rating: 0
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#3 secondsout

What they didn’t mention is that they’re putting these wet towels in the coffee machines. So when your coffee tastes a bit like a sweat sock, you know why.

Jun 17, 2008 at 7:08 pm rating: +1

reply to this comment
#4 secondsout

D Man - he’s always holding D people down.

Jun 17, 2008 at 7:10 pm rating: +18

reply to this comment
#5 Canthz_B

Are they losing their HS and college rings in the towel bin?

Jun 17, 2008 at 7:10 pm rating: +1

reply to this comment
#6 orangetiki

Who is this Towel Man? Is he a super hero?

Jun 17, 2008 at 7:11 pm rating: +2

reply to this comment
- #6.1 zchamu
  
  He isn’t a super hero, but he knows what D man told him.
  
  Jun 17, 2008 at 7:13 pm rating: +8
- #6.2 Mishee
  
  The Towel Man hangs out on the sidelines… an unsung hero… with his faithful sidekick, The Waterboy…
  
  Jun 17, 2008 at 8:07 pm rating: +7
- #6.3 riot
  
  an unrung hero…
  
  Jun 22, 2008 at 11:15 am rating: +1
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#7 Quite Contrary

They’re just pissy because they had to clean the bathrooms which were all messed up from the massive drug use. God knows what is on those towels.

Jun 17, 2008 at 7:13 pm rating: +1

reply to this comment
#8 morpho aurora

“are they want take them”
that’s just pitiful
who’s D-man?

Jun 17, 2008 at 7:14 pm rating: 0

reply to this comment
- #8.1 Canthz_B
  
  So much for our experiment in spelling phonetically.
  That just won’t work in some regions of the “countreh”!
  
  Jun 17, 2008 at 7:21 pm rating: 0
- #8.2 fantasy
  
  D Man is the smart one!
  
  Jun 17, 2008 at 7:24 pm rating: +1
- #8.3 Canthz_B
  
  “First you speekee plopa Engrish, then I spellee plopa Engrish.
  Dom Texas Clackas!”
  
  Jun 17, 2008 at 7:29 pm rating: +22
- #8.4 WhyAren'tUDeadYet
  
  Holy fuck. How in the fuck is this idiot still here and still getting his harem to vote him into the green with comments as disgusting as the one he posted here? Are there really this many fucked-up twats registered on this site? My thought is that this dolt has registered himself 15 times and just votes for his own pathetic shit. I stopped reading this site about 3 months ago because he is so annoying but saw my bookmark tonight and thought I would pop ’round to see if he finally got tired of reading his own idiotic crap. Guess not. So I’ll check back again in 3 months or so. What a bunch of losers you are, whoever is voting for his disgusting and racist comments - which seem kind of ironic coming from a black man from NJ. Get a fucking grip, people.
  
  Jun 18, 2008 at 1:18 am rating: +14
- #8.5 the harem
  
  Perhaps you could just skip the ‘checking back’ part?
  
  Seriously, please don’t come back.
  
  Jun 18, 2008 at 1:23 am rating: +23
- #8.6 WhyAren'tUDeadYet
  
  Perhaps you could just blow it out your ass?
  
  Seriously, please go fuck a duck.
  
  Jun 18, 2008 at 1:25 am rating: +1
- #8.7 the harem
  
  yawns
  
  we’ll really miss you when you go back to whatever slime pit you crawled out of
  
  Jun 18, 2008 at 1:29 am rating: +4
- #8.8 ErikaBlare
  
  Oh hi there! This particular loser pathetic twat voted for this comment.
  
  So :ppppbbbllllhhhh!
  
  Jun 18, 2008 at 1:30 am rating: +3
- #8.9 WhyAren'tUDeadYet
  
  applauds@ the harem
  
  Wow. How witty. Pretending to be bored and yet you just can’t help responding over and over and over and….
  
  Yup. It’s easy to see why you find that piece of shit witty. Yet another internet site taken over by the lowest-common denominator. What a shame.
  
  What on earth will you come up with next? I am all a’twitter waiting…
  
  Jun 18, 2008 at 1:32 am rating: 0
- #8.10 WhyAren'tUDeadYet
  
  Not something to be crowing about, Erika. Your momma must be so proud of you.
  
  Jun 18, 2008 at 1:33 am rating: 0
- #8.11 ErikaBlare
  
  As must yours.
  
  Jun 18, 2008 at 1:36 am rating: +4
- #8.12 the harem
  
  “Yet another internet site taken over by the lowest-common denominator.”
  
  lowest-common denominator = whyaren’tudeadyet
  
  Jun 18, 2008 at 1:36 am rating: +18
- #8.13 WhyAren'tUDeadYet
  
  Wow, Erika. What an amazing comeback. Are you rubber and I am glue, too? I bow to your superior sparring skills.
  
  *sigh*
  
  Jun 18, 2008 at 1:38 am rating: +3
- #8.14 WhyAren'tUDeadYet
  
  Well, “harem”, at least I have no illusions remaining as to why you find that piece of shit funny. To wit: you’re a fucking moron.
  
  This isn’t even a challenge. At least if you had put up a decent fight, maybe, but …. see ya.
  
  Jun 18, 2008 at 1:39 am rating: 0
- #8.15 Crash
  
  WhyAren’tUDeadYet ??
  
  Jun 18, 2008 at 1:41 am rating: +29
- #8.16 WhyAren'tUDeadYet
  
  Crash?
  
  See? I can do it too. Anyone with an IQ over 30 want to join in?
  
  ….
  
  Didn’t think so.
  
  Jun 18, 2008 at 1:43 am rating: +1
- #8.17 ErikaBlare
  
  I think someone needs a hug.
  
  Jun 18, 2008 at 1:46 am rating: +17
- #8.18 Crash
  
  Wow…You’re so smart !!
  Teach me how to spell Crash !!
  With your IQ over 30.
  You must be a quantum physics expert
  
  Jun 18, 2008 at 1:49 am rating: +5
- #8.19 Mishee
  
  Damn, I can’t believe I missed the fun!
  
  Erika, I seriously agree that someone needs an Advocacy Hug…
  
  I didn’t particularly laugh at CB’s joke at first (the Retard Bus had me giggling for hours though… well done my friend!)…
  
  I just don’t understand why you are so butt-hurt over not getting plussed… just cause people like CB and what he has to say, doesn’t mean that you should lash out at him. Apparently HE fits in here, and you should just go find a new blog to go torture the people who frequent it…
  
  and as for the racist comment, I think if anyone has the right to be racist, it would be a black man from New Jersey! (double whammy!)
  
  So take my advice, click on your bookmarks, right click over “passiveaggressivenotes.com” and select “delete” from the menu that pops up. Then empty your recycle bin for good measure.
  
  I have a feeling we will all be a little happier.
  
  Jun 18, 2008 at 11:28 am rating: +8
- #8.20 unholyghost2003
  
  “Then empty your recycle bin for good measure.” made me giggle out loud!
  
  Jun 18, 2008 at 11:32 am rating: 0
- #8.21 RunBarbara
  
  So, who is the bigger retard? Those of us that have fun posting here, passing our work days, making some stupid sex jokes…or the people that actually take the time to write rants about it?
  Your comments will totally get us all to rethink our obsession with PAN, with CB and with sexually harassing each other on our gay little HQ. Bravo. Youve changed lives today, WhyDontU.
  
  Jun 18, 2008 at 12:41 pm rating: +2
- #8.22 Mishee
  
  you find our sex jokes stupid??
  
  *sobbing uncontrollably*
  
  Jun 18, 2008 at 12:50 pm rating: +2
- #8.23 PandoraWombat
  
  I’m no expert, but maybe WhyDont was just in a drunken stopper?
  
  Aug 3, 2008 at 9:35 pm rating: 0
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#9 Quite Contrary

I know what D Man told me too. He thinks these people are effin crazy.

Jun 17, 2008 at 7:15 pm rating: +1

reply to this comment
#10 secondsout

I just want to read the poster about sexual harassment. Is it a tutorial poster? I want to make sure I’m doing it right.

Jun 17, 2008 at 7:15 pm rating: +13

reply to this comment
- #10.1 morpho aurora
  
  sout - you’re doing it right - rb says so
  
  Jun 17, 2008 at 7:17 pm rating: +1
- #10.2 secondsout
  
  Well, if anyone’s an expert on sexual harassment, it’s RB.
  
  Jun 17, 2008 at 7:18 pm rating: +3
- #10.3 fantasy
  
  2nds don’t worry, you will learn with age.
  
  Jun 17, 2008 at 7:25 pm rating: +3
- #10.4 ErikaBlare
  
  Rule #1: Nothing says “Good work!” like an open hand slap on the ass.
  
  Jun 17, 2008 at 7:49 pm rating: +25
- #10.5 secondsout
  
  Rule #2: Nice tits = highly qualified to hire.
  
  Jun 17, 2008 at 7:51 pm rating: +14
- #10.6 Quite Contrary
  
  Rule #3: Nothing wrong with copping a feel when coworker is leaning over your shoulder.
  
  Jun 17, 2008 at 8:00 pm rating: +3
- #10.7 RunBarbara
  
  sout, if you really have questions about sexual harassment you are more than welcome to meet me at a hotel around the corner from my office. i find learning is always done best on one’s knees….
  see you in a few hours?
  
  Jun 17, 2008 at 8:11 pm rating: +3
- #10.8 secondsout
  
  Rule #4: Raises are dependent on employee’s stance on putting out.
  
  Jun 17, 2008 at 8:15 pm rating: +4
- #10.9 RunBarbara
  
  You bet your sweet ass.
  Rule #5: Time off requests and bathroom keys will only be given after oral favors have been completed. This includes holidays and having to “go real bad”.
  
  Jun 17, 2008 at 8:17 pm rating: +12
- #10.10 Mishee
  
  But what if I have a “big job”? Oral favors could possibly hurry the process along… then there would be a mess…
  
  I mean, I’ve heard people actually like rainbow showers, but I’ve never met anyone so willing to get one until now!
  
  Jun 17, 2008 at 8:21 pm rating: +3
- #10.11 RunBarbara
  
  Team Blumpkin!
  
  Jun 17, 2008 at 8:23 pm rating: +1
add to this thread
#11 marissa

A+ for the title PAN

Jun 17, 2008 at 7:22 pm rating: +7

reply to this comment
#12 secondsout

“How about U dont make sense”

How about you learn the magic of complete words, apostrophes, and a question mark?

Jun 17, 2008 at 7:28 pm rating: +7

reply to this comment
- #12.1 Quite Contrary
  
  And your position on ellipses is?
  
  Jun 17, 2008 at 8:06 pm rating: +1
- #12.2 Kev Orng
  
  dot dot dot!
  
  Jun 18, 2008 at 10:06 am rating: +3
- #12.3 Quite Contrary
  
  * sigh.
  
  Jun 18, 2008 at 10:26 am rating: 0
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#13 zombieBlanco

reason # 2 -to avoid Starbucks: disgruntled, lazy, illiterate employees

reason # 1 -shitty coffee

Jun 17, 2008 at 7:29 pm rating: +8

reply to this comment
- #13.1 ErikaBlare
  
  “Friends don’t let friends drink Starbucks.”
  
  Team Independent Coffee Shop!
  
  Jun 17, 2008 at 7:46 pm rating: +9
- #13.2 Total Douche
  
  reason 1.1 -shitty coffee that’s $10.95 for a 3 ounce cup.
  
  Jun 19, 2008 at 10:32 pm rating: 0
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#14 fantasy

Is that how the male of the species writes a P/A Note? All arrows and clouds?

Not one smiley or heart. ♥

Jun 17, 2008 at 7:29 pm rating: +4

reply to this comment
- #14.1 ALA
  
  No rocket penises. No use of multiple colors. Someone is just a PAN slacker.
  
  Jun 18, 2008 at 8:26 am rating: 0
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#15 secondsout

So what does it say that the foreign guy with the limited grasp of English is somehow higher up the managerial ladder than all the people correcting his grammar?

Jun 17, 2008 at 7:31 pm rating: +8

reply to this comment
- #15.1 secondsout
  
  And before I just plagiarize the Onion, like I did on the last note, here’s a link to an article that reflects on this point.
  
  Jun 17, 2008 at 7:33 pm rating: +3
- #15.2 amazon
  
  Our local Vons supermarket employs a few developmentally disabled people as checkers and baggers (one even has a prosthetic arm), and they are the best damn checkers and baggers ever! They actually put the cold stuff together, and don’t put a loaf of bread under a gallon of milk, etc.
  
  Jun 17, 2008 at 8:06 pm rating: +2
- #15.3 fantasy
  
  Developmentally disabled are born without a superior attitude and have spent their time learning more than your average Starbucks employee.
  
  Jun 17, 2008 at 8:17 pm rating: +10
- #15.4 RunBarbara
  
  There is a DD employee at the Vons by my place. He is hysterical, a very hard worker and he is only too delighted to shout: “IM WEETODIT!!! YOU WAN PAPAH OR PLASTIK?”
  I dont know who told him it was okay to say that, and I dont know if I will ever stop finding the line he is working on purpose, but damn it, I love that kid!
  
  Jun 17, 2008 at 8:21 pm rating: +4

painfully polite and hilariously hostile writings from shared spaces the world over

all your baristas are belong to us

June 17th, 2008 · 159 comments

159 responses so far ↓