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Bizarre pardoning accident

June 17th, 2008 · 105 comments

While waiting for the coffee maker to do its job, nickster2000 wandered over to the university notice board, where this musician-wanted ad caught his eye. He’s not a drummer, but says he considered ringing them up anyway. “I just really need to know what was so bad about Graham.”

katlama require drummer for regular gigging. previous applicants may apply again...except Graham

related: I used to be your biggest fan

extra credit: Katlama on MySpace

FILED UNDER: band · Birmingham · college life · help wanted · most popular notes of 2008 · U.K.

105 responses so far ↓

  • #1   zombieBlanco bang

    Graham thought his style of air drumming would be much appreciated by the members of Katlama, but apparently it was not meant to be. If only his regular gigging kit had not been at the cleaners the fateful day of the first audition.

    Jun 17, 2008 at 12:46 am   rating: 31  small thumbs up

  • #2   Ashley

    Graham told them their band name sucked.

    Jun 17, 2008 at 1:04 am   rating: 58  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   reece bang

      Graham was told that he sucked harder than his mother.

      Jun 17, 2008 at 1:11 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #2.2   Emma

      Suck it, Graham.

      Jun 17, 2008 at 7:51 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #3   What?

    Their MySpace page shows that each member has a nickname: ‘Kat’, ‘Pink’, ‘Rolling’, etc.

    Graham didn’t like his nickname: ‘The Cracker’

    Jun 17, 2008 at 1:38 am   rating: 65  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   Joe bang

      Looks like Trevor “The Trevonator” passed the audition.

      But really? “The Trevonator”? They couldn’t get anything better than that? (Trevor “The Vampire“, maybe?)

      EDIT: Oh, upon reading their “About Katlama” section, I realized Trevor joined in ’06. So he must have quit. Can’t blame him. Trevonator. How lame.

      Jun 17, 2008 at 8:23 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #3.2   Total Douche bang

      …and the “Sounds Like” section should actually read, “Sounds Like: Every band in the world, taking a shit together, on the same stage, at the same time.”

      Jun 19, 2008 at 7:57 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

  • #4   Canthz_B bang

    It must be difficult to snare a good drummer!

    *don’t hit subm

    Jun 17, 2008 at 1:48 am   rating: 56  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   Total Douche bang

      You’d be surprised.

      Jun 19, 2008 at 7:59 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #5   Tanya

    that’s amazing

    Jun 17, 2008 at 1:57 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #6   G.Pat bang

    Graham died in a bizarre gardening accident…

    Authorities said… best leave it… unsolved.

    PS: love the title!

    Jun 17, 2008 at 2:43 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   Sarah bang

      Pfft. Everyone knows Graham died in a blogging accident.

      Jun 17, 2008 at 2:54 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #6.2   zombieBlanco bang

      Pfft. It’s obvious he died in a bizarre choking to death on someone else’s vomit accident.

      Jun 17, 2008 at 11:12 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #6.3   mere

      but you can’t really dust for vomit. :pfft:

      Jun 17, 2008 at 2:28 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

  • #7   César

    hahahaha, EXCEPT GRAHAM.

    So, who else hates the music?

    Jun 17, 2008 at 3:12 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #7.1   Total Douche bang

      Seriously, they suck out loud.

      Jun 19, 2008 at 7:42 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #8   TuesdayPillow

    Graham had one arm.

    Jun 17, 2008 at 3:17 am   rating: 14  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   Emma

      And Parkinson’s.

      Jun 17, 2008 at 7:53 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #8.2   Crash bang

      #8, So did this guy,


      Jun 17, 2008 at 9:19 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #8.3   TuesdayPillow

      Before I YouTube, I’m sure you’re sending me to a Def Leppard video and I’m not sure I want to venture into screaming 80′s today …

      Jun 17, 2008 at 4:58 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #8.4   Mishee bang

      Crash isn’t that kind of guy…

      Now, if I had posted the link, then you might have something to worry about!

      Jun 17, 2008 at 5:45 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #8.5   secondsout bang

      Oh, BS, Crash isn’t that kind of guy. Crash would most definitely, and did, post a Def Leppard link.

      Which reminds me of one of my favorite jokes – What has seven arms and sucks?
      Def Leppard!

      Jun 17, 2008 at 5:55 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

  • #9   Cricket

    downloads or free cd for serious candidates…because that’s the only way you’ll willingly listen to our music.

    many styles will be played…except for the style Graham likes. fuck that guy.

    Jun 17, 2008 at 3:57 am   rating: 22  small thumbs up

  • #10   Jsmoke

    Why do I fell like I’m taking an eye exam when I read that flier.

    Jun 17, 2008 at 5:32 am   rating: 19  small thumbs up

  • #11   Ambie

    I think you felled the eye exam.

    Jun 17, 2008 at 6:18 am   rating: 23  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   Joe bang

      Tiiiiimberrrrr! :)

      Jun 17, 2008 at 8:18 am   rating: 27  small thumbs up

    • #11.2   Jsmoke

      That’s what I get for posting when I’m three sheets to the wind I guess.

      Jun 17, 2008 at 6:27 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #11.3   Quite Contrary

      At 5:32 in the morning?

      Jun 17, 2008 at 6:29 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #11.4   Jsmoke

      Yeah I get off work at 1:00 am

      Jun 17, 2008 at 6:31 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #11.5   Jsmoke

      The time is Eastern Standard time too, I’m in the Pacific Time Zone. So I was stinko around 2:30am if that makes it a little more acceptable to you. My motto “It’s 5 o’clock somewhere”

      Jun 17, 2008 at 6:42 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #11.6   Quite Contrary

      I’m just jealous.

      And I always thought that “it’s 5 o’clock somewhere” meant pm. Silly me.

      Jun 17, 2008 at 6:55 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

  • #12   toni

    Awww poor Graham. His MC Hammer moves must not have impressed the band.

    Jun 17, 2008 at 6:35 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #13   Captain Quirk

    I know a one-armed drummer and he’s really good. His name’s not Graham, though.

    Jun 17, 2008 at 8:12 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #13.1   GhostWriter bang

      I know a drummer with one arm not named Graham.

      However, his other arm is named Graham.

      Jun 17, 2008 at 8:47 am   rating: 44  small thumbs up

    • #13.2   Mishee bang

      Wow, that was an awesome Mary Poppins reference.

      Do you enjoy watching Disney movies GW? :D

      Jun 17, 2008 at 9:05 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #13.3   GhostWriter bang

      Everything has been crap since Tron.

      Jun 17, 2008 at 10:16 am   rating: 15  small thumbs up

  • #14   RALPHY

    After suffering mild rejection in the coffee shop, Graham noticed the ultimate humulation on his way out, his former band had bannished him from their applicants list. Completely disheartened, he decided to accept the position as lead drummer with the little known foreign band Chicago, just to see how it went.

    Jun 17, 2008 at 8:44 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

  • #15   LeishBlog

    Graham will never rock this town again. Such a waste of talent.

    Jun 17, 2008 at 8:49 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #16   GhostWriter bang

    As the ancient Incan priests gathered around the idol, in hopes of improving this year’s maize harvest, they heard an unearthly voice- the idol was speaking to them:

    Katlama – - – Require – - – Drummer!!

    “Hmmm,” said the high priest (who didn’t speak English).

    Jun 17, 2008 at 8:53 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #16.1   Dr. How bang

      Katlama Shakti De! Katlama Shakti De!

      *pulls out heart*

      Jun 17, 2008 at 11:42 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #16.2   HolyHamstersBatman bang

      Nice Indiana Jones reference..

      Nov 21, 2008 at 2:27 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #17   claw71 bang

    After listening to Katlama’s playlist on MySpace I can confidently say that no matter how bad Graham was on the skins he was the least of this bands worries.

    If you can imagine post Natalie Merchant 10,000 Maniacs covering Lorretta Lynn that’s what Katlama sounds like.

    Now if you’ll excuse me I need to stab my ear drums with paper clips.

    Jun 17, 2008 at 8:56 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #17.1   prairielily

      I listened for less than ten seconds, and I have a headache now.

      Maybe they all got tired of Graham holding them back by saying that they’d maxed out on shittiness and it was so bad that he felt like he was living in the shower or a dressing room.

      Jun 17, 2008 at 6:11 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #18   Mishee bang

    It looks as though Graham started to rip off one of the phone number tags… and then he saw that he wasn’t able to re-apply for the position.

    Head hung in shame, he walks back to his dorm and decides drumming isn’t for him… what he really wants to do is dance!

    Jun 17, 2008 at 9:10 am   rating: 17  small thumbs up

  • #19   Sheepish bang

    Maybe when Graham brought in his ‘Rock Band’ drum set and asked where the red, blue , green and yellow lights were to follow along they realized that he may not be what they’re looking for.

    Jun 17, 2008 at 9:13 am   rating: 21  small thumbs up

  • #20   Dr. How bang

    Relations in the band degenerated quickly after he put his foot down. Graham had enough of paying for all the drugs.

    Jun 17, 2008 at 9:29 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

  • #21   Nickster2000

    I am loving this thread!

    Jun 17, 2008 at 9:36 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #22   Bev

    My mother might have liked this band.

    Graham should be thanking his lucky stars he didn’t get to audition.

    Jun 17, 2008 at 9:47 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #23   se

    Their MySpace page shows they use rotating cast of drum- mers, saxophonists, flautists…
    What the hell is a flautist?

    Jun 17, 2008 at 9:58 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #23.1   claw71 bang

      Oh, flautists…flutes. I thought they were looking for flatulists. I sent them an email and some clips of my work. I bet they call me anyway because their music is crap.

      Jun 17, 2008 at 10:07 am   rating: 28  small thumbs up

    • #23.2   Kelly

      A person who plays the flute.

      Jun 17, 2008 at 10:12 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #23.3   Mishee bang

      claw is world renowned skin flautist.

      Jun 17, 2008 at 10:13 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #23.4   claw71 bang

      So what do you call somebody who makes flautas?

      QUE SE DICE?

      Jun 17, 2008 at 10:33 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #23.5   RunBarbara bang

      An illegal immigrant line cook at Chevys?

      Jun 17, 2008 at 10:38 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #23.6   Mishee bang

      Hey Chevy’s is an upstanding company and place of employment that does NOT employ illegal immigrants.

      It’s Applebee’s that does.

      Jun 17, 2008 at 10:57 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #23.7   se

      Mishee, re: #23.3
      I think you actually meant renowned skin flauntist.

      Jun 17, 2008 at 11:11 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #23.8   RunBarbara bang

      well, he does like to display the python quite a lot….

      Jun 17, 2008 at 11:15 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #23.9   Mishee bang

      he flaunts and then flauts…

      Jun 17, 2008 at 11:31 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #23.10   Kev Orng

      Claw, isn’t a QUE SE DICE someone who makes Quesadillas?

      Jun 17, 2008 at 2:48 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #23.11   fuchsiagirl

      flutist? flautist = someone who flaunts his flutes?

      Jun 18, 2008 at 6:23 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #24   Mishee bang

    Soooo, who here is gonna be the one to send them a MySpace message with a link to this page?

    Jun 17, 2008 at 10:12 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #24.1   se

      I sent them a link to this page. hope they come look.

      Jun 17, 2008 at 11:09 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #25   claw71 bang

    Graham was a good drummer but his bluegrass-inspired vibe didn’t fit with Katlama’s Susan Vega-meets-The Cure theme.

    Graham is now working with Kid Rock’s former DJ on a country album. It was rough going at first but Graham gets first billing in the act. Still I’d have gone with something a little less cheeky than Graham Kracker.

    Jun 17, 2008 at 10:17 am   rating: 16  small thumbs up

  • #26   Sheepish bang

    I was going to mention something about how Graham probably banged the lead singer (pun intended) and then broke her heart somehow. But I looked on their MySpace page and saw the scrolling pictures of the band, that lead singer is nasty! She’ll never make it in the ‘biz’, if you’re not a knockout your music better rock-out.

    Jun 17, 2008 at 11:06 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #27   freedomcows007

    I can’t even concentrate on the “Except Graham”. I’m hung up on the “regular gigging”. Is this an actual verb? The only context I’ve ever heard it in (unfortunately) is “gigging frogs” and I have no idea what that meant because as soon as it came up I realized that this was a conversation I wanted no part of…

    Jun 17, 2008 at 11:07 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #27.1   reece bang

      Well, “gigging” a frog is masturbating it. “Gigging” is a made up fancy word for saying that they play sucky shows in coffee houses.

      Jun 17, 2008 at 12:59 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #27.2   Mishee bang

      Reece, like this?

      Jun 17, 2008 at 1:09 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #27.3   secondsout bang

      Coming from the South, I can tell you that “frog-gigging” isn’t masturbating a frog. Or maybe it is in some weird fetish circles. “Frog-gigging” is the act of going around in areas where one can find bullfrogs and hunting the frogs with a “frog gig,” which looks a bit like Neptune’s Trident.

      I’m so glad I don’t live in the South anymore. My choices of what to do on a Saturday night no longer even remotely include “frog-gigging,” cow-tipping, line-dancing, drinking Old Crow, “mudding,” or making fun of people who can read.

      Jun 17, 2008 at 2:19 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

    • #27.4   Mishee bang

      don’t forget those late night dates with your sister! (when she would have you!)

      Jun 17, 2008 at 2:23 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #27.5   secondsout bang

      Vice is nice, but incest is best.

      Jun 17, 2008 at 2:29 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #27.6   Mishee bang

      The family that plays together, stays together…

      Jun 17, 2008 at 2:36 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #27.7   secondsout bang

      Arkansas, where 2nd cousins are 1st wives.

      Jun 17, 2008 at 2:49 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #27.8   Phat girl

      The closer the kin,
      the deeper in.

      Jun 17, 2008 at 3:04 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #27.9   secondsout bang

      Incest – a game the whole family can play.

      Jun 17, 2008 at 3:07 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #27.10   mattyu


      Jun 17, 2008 at 4:05 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #27.11   Quite Contrary

      Sout: my eighth grade response to your comment was “just ask the Osmonds.”

      Jun 17, 2008 at 4:46 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #28   Bikerbabee

    Ok, I will be the one to say it;
    that Graham was fucking delicious!

    Jun 17, 2008 at 11:25 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #29   TC

    I think the problem was that Graham kept doing his big jobs all over the drum kit. The whole fucking “gigging” room ended up smelling like Mongolia barbeque.

    “How in the hell can we practice playing You Outta Know with these stupid paper hats on!”

    Jun 17, 2008 at 12:04 pm   rating: 14  small thumbs up

  • #30   Quite Contrary

    Poor Graham. Last I heard, he took this rejection really hard and was last seen going on tirades about pre-paid legal services and identity theft being a serious crime.

    Jun 17, 2008 at 12:16 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

  • #31   claw71 bang

    This is why I hate MySpace. Before the internet idiots with bad taste were scattered to the four corners. A lousy band had to tour for years before they could unite them all. That’s why it took KISS so long to find recording success.Seriously people, from a purely musical perspective KISS sucks).

    Now these dorks get on and friend themselves into moderate popularity. Record companies see a couple hundred downloads and figure they can cash in. That’s why we have garbage like Natasha Bedingfield Dude, if this tartlet writes another song qabout not being able to write a song I think I’m going to kill myself, Flyleaf, Colby Calait and Dane Cook. Yes, I know he’s not a musician but he’s not much of a comic either .

    Now we have Katlama, a droning mishmash of weak musical flirtations influenced by the goofy playlists of people who spend way too much time personalizing their MySpace pages. I wonder if the number of hits their site gets from PAN will land them a record deal. Keep your eyes open for them on the top 20 countdown.

    Jun 17, 2008 at 1:43 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

    • #31.1   Mishee bang

      That rant makes me wonder how many page impressions a month PAN gets… and of those, how many are unique users…?


      Jun 17, 2008 at 1:52 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #31.2   Mishee bang

      wait, hold on… four corners?? So you are saying that the Earth is not only flat, but square too?


      Jun 17, 2008 at 2:06 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #31.3   Total Douche bang

      I agree, except that KISS doesn’t suck. Other than that, spot-on. While they’re far from my favorite band, they ARE very good at what they do.
      And yes, I am a musician.

      Jun 19, 2008 at 8:18 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #31.4   PrincessVespa

      Ditto ditto.

      I agree that KISS doesn’t suck.

      Of course, I don’t expect musical prowess from them, but I sure have a blast watching them. They’re fun, and I think that’s what they’re going for. That’s what counts, IMO. If one tried to take them very seriously, they would indeed think KISS sucks. But KISS doesn’t even take themselves seriously, and that’s why they’re great.

      Nov 11, 2008 at 6:36 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #32   Ryan



    Jun 17, 2008 at 1:53 pm   rating: 23  small thumbs up

    • #32.1   mere


      Jun 17, 2008 at 2:35 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #32.2   Quite Contrary


      THX, SANDRA.

      Jun 17, 2008 at 2:46 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #33   secondsout bang

    This is the sort of thing you see someone like Cartman doing. I watched an episode recently where he says something like, “if we don’t get out of this alive, I just want you to know, I love you guys. Except Kyle.”

    Similarly, when Homer Simpson was asked which was the true religion, he replied, “Well, not the Unitarians. If that’s the one true faith, I’ll eat my hat.”

    I should really watch fewer cartoons, I think.

    Jun 17, 2008 at 2:27 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #33.1   Fuzzalina

      No you shouldn’t. Cartoons provide all the valuable information you’ll need in life.

      Jun 19, 2008 at 8:35 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

  • #34   Phat girl

    I really have no idea why, but when I saw the pan I automatically started reading it in an indian (from India) accent. I guess it was the strange verb usage. But when you read it like that it actually sounds better. (or at least funnier)

    Jun 17, 2008 at 3:15 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #35   Kev Orng

    Hey, what’s the difference between Graham and a Drum machine?
    You only have to punch the information into the drum machine once!

    7,000 drummer jokes on the internet and that’s the best I can do.

    What’s the difference between Graham and a savings bond?
    One will mature and make money.

    What do you call a drummer who’s just been dumped by his girlfriend?

    Jun 17, 2008 at 3:52 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #35.1   Me-rey

      Come on, now, we all know the drummer is the most important member of any Rock Band. Especially if the drummer owns Rock Band :D

      Jun 17, 2008 at 6:00 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #35.2   Total Douche bang

      What do you call a guy that hangs out with a band?
      …the drummer.

      Jun 19, 2008 at 8:23 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #36   PassionateZephyr

    Wow, I think you guys have said just about everything, but boy, that music is just GD awful!

    Jun 17, 2008 at 9:30 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #37   Army of Douche-ness aka the Doucheface Killa

    When I myspace friended Katlama, I asked about Graham and here’s what I got back:

    “Well, he couldn’t keep time very well (which is paramount for a drummer), wasn’t exactly the sharpest tool in the box, but worst was the fact that he left us in the lurch about 10 mins before our biggest gig at the time because “all the people scared him”, so he packed up his drums and left, never to be seen again…thankfully..”

    Jun 18, 2008 at 12:20 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

    • #37.1   Total Douche bang

      All of WHAT people, have you actually HEARD their music?!?

      Jun 19, 2008 at 8:25 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #37.2   Dan From Katlama

      I’m in KATLAMA and I’d just like to say that I’ve really enjoyed this thread – it was like a taste of fame. (‘dude, its the only taste you’ll ever get, because your music SUCKS’. yes, thank you). I thought ‘post-Natalie Merchant…’ was particularly perceptive. That chap should go into paid journalism.

      Jun 21, 2008 at 1:59 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #37.3   Mishee bang

      Ahhhh Dan – we have been waiting for you for sooooo long! Was Graham really that bad???

      Jun 21, 2008 at 2:25 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #38   Kat

    Yes he was . and he was also very VERY scared of festival people.

    Jun 22, 2008 at 5:20 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #39   graham, this means you

    [...] bizarre pardoning accident digg_skin = ‘compact’; reddit!   stumble it!   function fbs_click() { [...]

    Jul 6, 2008 at 9:13 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #40   kat

    I have Graham’s kit… I hired?

    oh and……what’s the first thing a drummer says when he gets to his gig?….”D’you want fries with that?”

    Jul 7, 2008 at 1:17 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #41   especially deborah | passive-aggressive (and just plain aggressive) notes

    [...] related: bizarre pardoning accident [...]

    Aug 17, 2008 at 7:13 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #42   kryztyne bang

    Maybe Graham was later found out to be the neighb who didn’t want to hear squeaking bed springs…

    Feb 6, 2009 at 10:44 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #43   COURTNEY

    Hahaha that is amazing.

    Jun 15, 2009 at 1:31 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #44   Bed, breakfast & backhanded compliments |

    [...] know who Linda is or what she did, but…wow.” (Perhaps she could seek some support from Except Graham or Especially [...]

    Mar 6, 2011 at 11:00 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up


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