TMI all around

June 23rd, 2008 · 119 comments

Daniel in New York spotted this note (and the follow-ups) on the door of his SoHo office building’s restroom — “a nice single seater with a window.”

Adds Daniel: “I understand the sentiment — my sphincter locks up like a vise with any distraction. But I do hope that the large white area on the thoughtfully typed response will illicit a petition of like-minded others.”

It's really annoying when I go to use this bathroom to (privately) number two, if you will, only to hear someone yapping on the phone! Seriously, if you want to have a phone convo (privately) take it to the stairwell or outside next time, buddy. Thank you. --Sorry, I have a habit of pooping & talking! UNLESS YOU ARE ACTUALLY HANDICAPPED, YOU ARE THE ONE WHO IS BEING RUDE. AND THANKS FOR GIVING US ALL WAY TOO MUCH INFORMATION. TALK ABOUT BAD MANNERS...

related: Or at least pass the sports section under the door

FILED UNDER: bathroom · cell phone · New York · noise · office · TMI · toilet


119 responses so far ↓

  • #1   the sos bang

    where exactly IS st. airwell?

    Jun 23, 2008 at 11:12 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   amazon bang

      I think I saw them in concert once.

      Jun 23, 2008 at 11:19 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.2   A Random Tourist

      I think I saw them once over at this place. It’s a very common place to find errors and other spacing mistakes such as this one.

      Jun 23, 2008 at 11:41 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.3   RunBarbara bang

      That was almost as bad as a Rickroll. I sentence you to three hours in the unitard!

      Jun 23, 2008 at 11:51 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.4   Mishee bang

      Now I know why locals fucking hate tourists….

      Jun 23, 2008 at 12:07 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #2   Rob

    What I really hate is when I am on the cell phone and the person on the other end is taking a number 2. Now that is rude!

    Jun 23, 2008 at 11:14 am   rating: 33  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   Potty Mouth

      I am one of “those people.” YES, I am a Potty Mouth! Sorry Mom!!!

      Jun 24, 2008 at 9:03 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.2   bellabeastie

      “(privately)” number two?

      What? As opposed to publicly? We all know there is a long list of other places to Do the Poo. And as for the (private) phone convo, better check with St. Airwell, Patron of all who Talk & Poo in public.

      THX
      BUDDY

      Jun 24, 2008 at 11:14 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #3   Mishee bang

    I’m thinking it’s bad manners to use an entire 8 1/2″x11″ sheet of copy paper, when a scribbled on post-it would’ve sufficed….

    Jun 23, 2008 at 11:18 am   rating: 14  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   RunBarbara bang

      does the second note imply that this bathroom in question is a handicap only restroom? like, the person who gets gun shy is being rude by using the wrong bathrooom?
      today they get their own bathroom, whats next? their own olympics?
      and where are my rights?
      im going to demand my own “NO handicaped persons” line at the DMV. those crippleds take for-fucking-ever.

      Jun 23, 2008 at 11:31 am   rating: 31  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.2   TL

      Having to go to the bathroom is a serious – albeit temporary – handicap.

      Jun 23, 2008 at 8:11 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #4   Mishee bang

    If he is so pissed at this “pooper-yapper” then why call him “Buddy”…?

    Jun 23, 2008 at 11:21 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   KittyKat

      “I’m not your buddy, friend.”
      “I’m not your friend, pal.”
      “I’m not your pal, buddy.”

      ** Repeat **

      Jun 23, 2008 at 4:05 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.2   vndlfan

      I personally prefer “chief” it just sounds so friendly.

      Jun 23, 2008 at 7:52 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.3   philip

      I personally prefer “Gaylord”.

      Jun 24, 2008 at 1:59 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.4   jadefirefly

      I’m fond of “champ”, myself.

      Jun 24, 2008 at 3:59 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.5   MAMARILLA2 bang

      Sport is always good.

      Aug 2, 2009 at 11:17 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #5   amazon bang

    Ir’s really annoying when I go to use this bathroom to (privately) snort coke, if you will, only to hear someone taking a dump.

    Seriously, if you want to take a dump (privately) take it to the stairwell or outside next time, buddy.

    Jun 23, 2008 at 11:23 am   rating: 36  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   Sarah bang

      The stairwell? Aw, crap, I’ve been using the gym shower all this time!

      Jun 23, 2008 at 2:48 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.2   vivitop

      I usually use the alley behind the building…

      Jun 23, 2008 at 5:10 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.3   jadefirefly

      At least it’s not the changing room…

      Jun 24, 2008 at 4:00 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #6   RunBarbara bang

    as opposed to using the bathroom for a number two (publically)?

    Jun 23, 2008 at 11:27 am   rating: 16  small thumbs up

     
  • #7   Ana

    Who talks on a cell phone while they are shitting? How gross is that?!?!?

    Jun 23, 2008 at 11:28 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #7.1   RunBarbara bang

      phone sex operators and investment bankers.

      Jun 23, 2008 at 11:29 am   rating: 18  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.2   secondsout bang

      Actually, it’s really fun to do when a telemarketer calls. It’s way better if you’re taking a piss in a bathroom where the sound amplifies well from the tile. Nothing says “I care about the credit card you’re offering me” like taking a piss while the guy’s talking.

      Jun 23, 2008 at 12:03 pm   rating: 23  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.3   Cowgirlgraphics

      One word about who’s talking on their cell phone while (not so privately) taking a dump: REALTORS …. must be what they selling.

      Jun 23, 2008 at 1:26 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.4   Potty Mouth

      GOVERMENT EMPLOYEES!!!

      Jun 24, 2008 at 9:06 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.5   Will It Work

      Government employees, as well.

      Jun 25, 2008 at 3:28 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #8   Jimmy Straightline

    On the list of ” really annoying” things about public restrooms, this one doesn’t even make my Top 20. Suggestion: if you simply repeat every word you overhear, the ‘poop-talker’ will usually wrap up their conversation pretty quickly.

    Jun 23, 2008 at 11:35 am   rating: 30  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   Mishee bang

      I would just pretend to respond to everything they say, like I was the one they were talking to… that would probably work just as well, but be more fun with getting to choose the creepiest responses! :D

      Jun 23, 2008 at 11:42 am   rating: 28  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.2   secondsout bang

      or grunt loud enough for the other person to hear. “WHOO, this is a BIG ONE. It might set off the SMOKE ALARM!” The person on the other end will comment soon enough and the cell phone guy will retreat to a quieter locale.

      *joke plagiarized in memory of the late George Carlin.*

      Jun 23, 2008 at 12:05 pm   rating: 37  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.3   GoodNamesGone

      Dude, I was lucky. My “Poo Talker” asked the person on the other end, “What are you doing?”

      So I grunted loudly and said, “I’m poopin’!”

      She won’t even make eye-contact with me now- Score!

      Jun 24, 2008 at 5:42 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #9   unholyghost2003 bang

    Wait. I am VERY confused. “a nice single seater with a window.” suggests to me that there is only one toilet in this bathroom. So, would someone please explain to me WHERE the Poo-Talker is pooing and talking whilst the pink note leaver is pooing quietly?

    Jun 23, 2008 at 11:35 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #9.1   RunBarbara bang

      i have two options:
      1. there is a toilet and urinal. the pink note leaver is in the stall (with the toilet and the window) and someone is taking a dump in the urinal.
      2. they are standing right outside the bathroom talking on their phone.

      Jun 23, 2008 at 11:37 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.2   unholyghost2003 bang

      but if they are standing right outside the bathroom talking on the phone … I hope they are not pooing and talking!

      BTW “Poo-Talker” sounds like someone who would help constipated people … like a horse whisperer

      Jun 23, 2008 at 11:44 am   rating: 34  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.3   Mishee bang

      ugh beat me to it! Poo Talker… Ugh, I swear you are gonna get me fired today!! :D

      Now I can’t wait for the “No Pooping in the Halls” note to get submitted! Then we will have run full circle!

      Jun 23, 2008 at 11:45 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.4   RunBarbara bang

      maybe they are sharing the same toilet at the same time and the note writer didnt want to interrupt her poo-conversation to mention that its distracting him from his own poo.
      yes, that seems logical and right.

      Jun 23, 2008 at 11:53 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.5   hamburke

      I thought about that too. If it’s a ladies room, I’m guessing that there’s a single stall but a sink area too. I’ve been to more of these than I care to visit. They are usually the dirtiest, stinkiest and tiniest. Seriously, why waste money on a stall when you could just buy a lock for the door?

      Jun 23, 2008 at 12:19 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.6   Mishee bang

      duh hamburke – that’s so the people who go in there do to drugs don’t have to wait for the pooper-yapper to finish their “big jobs” before they can come in and get a fix…

      Jun 23, 2008 at 12:21 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #10   PANdemic bang

    Isn’t it bad manners to type a note in ALL CAPS? I feel like they are SHOUTING.

    If someone is going to type it up and use a whole sheet of paper, I would suggest some interesting font and maybe a cute graphic to entertain future poopers and get the message across in a more passive-aggressive way.

    Jun 23, 2008 at 11:46 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #10.1   Mishee bang

      Well, I hate to tell you PANd – THX SANDRA is all the way on the other side of the country…

      Not everybody has her P/A note and Clip Art skills!

      Jun 23, 2008 at 11:49 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #11   Canthz_B bang

    I hate over-hearing cell phone conversations anywhere.
    My major pet peeve is hearing someone make a call and say “Hi, I’m on my way. I’ll be there in about five minutes”. Couldn’t they just wait five f-ing minutes and say “Hi” in person?

    Team put back the phone booths!

    Jun 23, 2008 at 11:46 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   unholyghost2003 bang

      They are starting a new thing … Cell phone booths. They are Phone booths w/o the phones. So people who need to make or receive a call can do so w/o disturbing others.

      Jun 23, 2008 at 11:51 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.2   secondsout bang

      Sounds like a waste, really. Most people just aren’t that considerate. The only reason they would go there is if it blocks out everyone else’s noise and they can hear their pointless conversation better.

      Jun 23, 2008 at 12:08 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.3   SavageCarmina bang

      Sounds like just another place for people to have sex, and/or crap on the floor.

      Jun 24, 2008 at 8:23 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #12   Canthz_B bang

    Here’s a tip: Invest in toilet paper and drop your poops in the privacy of your own bathroom.

    Jun 23, 2008 at 11:50 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   RunBarbara bang

      but what if you are far from home and have to “go real bad”?

      Jun 23, 2008 at 11:54 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.2   Canthz_B bang

      This guy seems to be a frequent user of this particular throne. What makes him think his co-workers want to smell his crap each day?

      Jun 23, 2008 at 12:03 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.3   Mishee bang

      he must eat All Bran everyday…

      or that Activia yogurt…

      He’s extremely regular.

      Jun 23, 2008 at 12:05 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.4   RunBarbara bang

      no one (apart from a select group of fetishists) wants to smell another person’s crap all day but you cant help having to go to the bathroom- i mean, it creeps up on you! thats why there is air freshener, usually, on the back of the toilet.

      Jun 23, 2008 at 12:06 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.5   Canthz_B bang

      I don’t know about that.
      Drop a turd at home in the morning before you go to work and that should hold you until you return home again.
      That’s being “regular”.
      This moron has made his bathroom break a part of his daily work experience.
      I worked with a guy like that. Every day at 10am he’d head into the john and take a crap. Now I have to hold a pee until 10:30 for this slob?

      Jun 24, 2008 at 12:24 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #13   zchamu

    I dunno, I think dude’s missing a golden opportunity. The second someone started yapping on the phone, I’d start making the most heinous toilet noises possible. Wet, sloppy farts, splashing, you name it. You can’t lead a horse away from the bathroom but you sure can make them run in horror.

    Jun 23, 2008 at 11:54 am   rating: 23  small thumbs up

    • #13.1   Mishee bang

      don’t forget to grunt with the occasional moan of pain…

      whimpering for mommy also adds to the fun….

      Jun 23, 2008 at 12:04 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
    • #13.2   RunBarbara bang

      i find that talking to one’s poo as though its your co-star in a porno is really helpful with big jobs:
      “yeah? yeah? you fucking like that, you dirty poo? you gonna come out for me? UHHH! fuck yeah, HARDER! c’mon baby, make me remember you tomorrow!”

      Jun 23, 2008 at 12:12 pm   rating: 48  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #14   Moonsilver

    Dear Pooper,

    If you are having a bathroom “emergency” then please see Casey in Human Resourses for the key to the locked Mens Room downstairs. This bathroom is proven to be scientifically cleaner and therefore more suited to my “potty mouth” habits.

    THX SANDRA

    Jun 23, 2008 at 12:08 pm   rating: 18  small thumbs up

     
  • #15   GhostWriter bang

    I’ll tell you what’s annoying- a guy who will only go into the bathroom “if you will.” Why is he so scared of crapping alone? Last week, he practically dragged me in there with him, and I ended up missing the season finale of Lost.

    Jun 23, 2008 at 12:16 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

    • #15.1   RunBarbara bang

      did he ask you to hold anything for him? cause that’s where i draw the line.

      Jun 23, 2008 at 12:18 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.2   claw71 bang

      Where’s that line drawn? Before holding anything or after holding but before wiping?

      Jun 23, 2008 at 12:26 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.3   unholyghost2003 bang

      The Mr. had a friend at his old job who liked to freak guys out by asking them to hold his hand under the divider wall while he took a crap.

      Jun 23, 2008 at 12:28 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.4   Mishee bang

      claw – I think for you RB & uhg would go all the way….

      sans rubber gloves.

      Jun 23, 2008 at 12:28 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.5   RunBarbara bang

      after before wiping.
      but, as always, i can make an exception for you, claw. btw- the little bo peep costume finally arrived! will i see you tonight? my sheep need “herding”.

      Jun 23, 2008 at 12:29 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.6   claw71 bang

      I’d love to tend to your flock and I wouldn’t mind shearing that ewe of yours either. baaaaaa!

      Jun 23, 2008 at 12:31 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.7   RunBarbara bang

      oh God, i love it when you wear the bell.

      Jun 23, 2008 at 12:34 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.8   claw71 bang

      I love it when you wear the kilt and the strap-on and play the Scotsman.

      Jun 23, 2008 at 12:49 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.9   Sprinkle459

      A trouble-making little weirdo who liked me in the second grade asked me to wait outside the boys bathrooms. He occasionally checked if I was there. I left there like a bat out of hell. It freaked me out.

      There was this other time, one of my friends was having “a hard time” and made me wait for her. For 30 minutes I believe. Then I had to go like ten minutes after that, but my teacher wouldn’t let me because I was in there for half an hour doing nothing. Oh, being plauged with bathroom-related incidents.

      Feb 19, 2010 at 11:04 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #16   claw71 bang

    I love it when people try to use their phones in the restroom. I’ll yell out from the stall I’m pooping here! I pooping over here!

    That usually gets them off the phone because they’ll either have to admit to the other party that they are in a restroom, thus revealing a level of disrespect that can alter the course of the friendship, or they have to make up a story about being around the downtown whackos.

    Jun 23, 2008 at 12:24 pm   rating: 20  small thumbs up

    • #16.1   the sos bang

      i must admit to occasionally “taking someone” to the restroom with me, but only after saying, “i’m going in and you’re coming with me” and giving them the chance to say, “whoah, sister. just call me back.”

      and, i always hang up if there is someone else in the restroom (ever since that one time the person next to me kept yelling “I’m pooping over here! I’m pooping over here!”).

      Jun 23, 2008 at 12:41 pm   rating: 17  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #17   claw71 bang

    I know there is a segment of the population that prefers to poop privately and that there are bogus unwritten rules to public restroom usage.

    All I can say is that the best way to attain privacy in a public setting is to go potty in your pants. Nobody ever suspects.

    Jun 23, 2008 at 12:30 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

    • #17.1   secondsout bang

      And rather quickly, everyone walks away from you. It’s particularly effective on a crowded bus.

      Jun 23, 2008 at 6:58 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #18   Sheepish

    i’ve never understood the use of ‘if you will’ in this type of sentance.
    and, why is privately put in like that?
    not only am i confused by the story of the stall with a window but the general construction of the note.
    i must not be smart enough to follow along.

    Jun 23, 2008 at 12:32 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #18.1   amazon bang

      No, your problem is that you’re too smart, and actually know gramatical rules.

      It’s like trying to read a 13 year old’s text message.

      Jun 23, 2008 at 7:04 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.2   Sheepish bang

      thanks Amazon.
      that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
      i’ve been called a lot of things in my life but this is the first time anyone has said that i’m too smart.
      *blushing*

      Jun 23, 2008 at 7:08 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.3   Sheepish bang

      as a side note, your comment about a 13 year old girl made me go back and read the first note in a teenage girl voice.

      which also sounds like my gay man impression.

      maybe there is a connection to writing notes like a hormonal girl and gay office workers.

      seriously.

      Jun 23, 2008 at 7:14 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #19   octavius

    It’s ‘elicit’ a petition, not ‘illicit’.

    Jun 23, 2008 at 1:01 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #19.1   unholyghost2003 bang

      maybe it will elicit an illicit petition.

      Jun 23, 2008 at 1:58 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #19.2   Will It Work

      Placing a tiny text on an entire letter sheet of paper should be illicit, if it isn’t already.

      Jun 25, 2008 at 3:36 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #20   Kev Orng

    I can ignore obnoxious loud cell-talkers most of the time, but if I’m in the middle of a leg-numbing poo, I want peace and quiet, dammit!

    At least give me the dignity of a quiet poo before I fall down the st. airwell because of the pins and needles in my feet. I’m trying to read here!

    Jun 23, 2008 at 1:28 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #20.1   KittyKat

      Damn, brother, if you’re on the john long enough for your legs to go numb, you need more fiber in your diet.

      Jun 23, 2008 at 4:20 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.2   Kev orng

      Nah, I just have some really good books. Which are also high in fibre.

      Jun 23, 2008 at 9:06 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #21   Casey in Human Resources

    All in all, it hadn’t been a good day. Bad traffic, a malfunctioning computer, incompetent coworkers and a sore back all made me a seething cauldron of rage. But more importantly for this story, it had been over forty-eight hours since I’d last taken a dump. I’d tried to jumpstart the process, beginning my day with a bowl of bowel-cleansing fiber cereal, following it with six cups of coffee at work, and adding a bean-laden lunch at Taco Bell.

    As I was returning home from work, my insides let me know with subtle rumbles and the emission of the occasional tiny fart that Big Things would be happening soon. Alas, I had to stop at the mall to pick up an order for my wife. I completed this task, and as I was walking past the stores on my way back to the car, I noticed a large sale sign proclaiming, “Everything Must Go!” This was prophetic, for my colon informed me with a sudden violent cramp and a wet, squeaky fart that everything was indeed about to go.

    I hurried to the mall bathroom. I surveyed the five stalls, which I have numbered 0 through 4 (I write a lot of software) for your convenience: 0.Occupied. 1.Clean, but Bathroom Protocol forbids its use, as it’s next to the occupied one. 2.Poo on seat. 3.Poo and toilet paper in bowl, unidentifiable liquid splattered on seat. 4.No toilet paper, no stall door, unidentifiable sticky object near base of toilet. – Clearly, it had to be Stall #1. I trudged back, entered, dropped trou and sat down. I’m normally a fairly Shameful Shitter. I wasn’t happy about being next to the occupied stall, but Big Things were afoot.

    I was just getting ready to bear down when all of a sudden the sweet sounds of Beethoven came from next door, followed by a fumbling, and then the sound of a voice answering the ringing phone. As usual for a cell phone conversation, the voice was exactly 8 dB louder than it needed to be. Out of Shameful habit, my sphincter slammed shut. The inane conversation went on and on. Mr. Shitter was blathering to Mrs. Shitter about the shitty day he had. I sat there, cramping and miserable, waiting for him to finish. As the loud conversation dragged on, I became angrier and angrier, thinking that I, too, had a crappy day, but I was too polite to yak about in public. My bowels let me know in no uncertain terms that if I didn’t get crapping soon, my day would be getting even crappier.

    Finally my anger reached a point that overcame Shamefulness. I no longer cared. I gripped the toilet paper holder with one hand, braced my other hand against the side of the stall, and pushed with all my might. I was rewarded with a fart of colossal magnitude — a cross between the sound of someone ripping a very wet bed sheet in half and of plywood being torn off a wall. The sound gradually transitioned into a heavily modulated low-RPM tone, not unlike someone firing up a Harley. I managed to hit the resonance frequency of the stall, and it shook gently.

    Once my ass cheeks stopped flapping in the breeze, three things became apparent: (1) The next-door conversation had ceased; (2) my colon’s continued seizing indicated that there was more to come; and (3) the bathroom was now beset by a horrible, eldritch stench. It was as if a gateway to Hell had been opened. The foul miasma quickly made its way under the stall and began choking my poop-mate. This initial “herald” fart had ended his conversation in mid-sentence.

    “Oh my God,” I heard him utter, following it with suppressed sounds of choking, and then, “No, baby, that wasn’t me (cough, gag), you could hear that (gag)??”

    Now there was no stopping me. I pushed for all I was worth. I could swear that in the resulting cacophony of rips, squirts, splashes, poots, and blasts, I was actually lifted slightly off the pot. The amount of stuff in me was incredible. It sprayed against the bowl with tremendous force. Later, in surveying the damage, I’d see that liquid poop had actually managed to ricochet out of the bowl and run down the side on to the floor. But for now, all I could do was hang on for the ride.

    Next door I could hear him fumbling with the paper dispenser as he desperately tried to finish his task. Little snatches of conversation made themselves heard over my anal symphony: “Gotta go… horrible… throw up… in my mouth… not… make it… tell the kids… love them… oh God…” followed by more sounds of suppressed gagging and retching. Alas, it is evidently difficult to hold one’s phone and wipe one’s bum at the same time.

    Just as my high-pressure abuse of the toilet was winding down, I heard a plop and splash from next door, followed by string of swear words and gags. My poop-mate had dropped his phone into the toilet. There was a lull in my production, and the restroom became deathly quiet. I could envision him standing there, wondering what to do. A final anal announcement came trumpeting from my behind, small chunks plopping noisily into the water. That must have been the last straw. I heard a flush, a fumbling with the lock, and then the stall door was thrown open. I heard him running out of the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.

    After a considerable amount of paperwork, I got up and surveyed the damage. I felt bad for the janitor who’d be forced to deal with this, but I knew that flushing was not an option. No toilet in the world could handle that unholy mess. Flushing would only lead to a floor flooded with filth. As I left, I glanced into the next-door stall. Nothing remained in the bowl. Had he flushed his phone, or had he plucked it out and left the bathroom with nasty unwashed hands? The world will never know.

    I exited the bathroom, momentarily proud and Shameless, looking around for a face glaring at me. But I saw no one. I suspect that somehow my supernatural elimination has managed to transfer my Shamefulness to my anonymous poop-mate. I think it’ll be a long time before he can bring himself to poop in public — and I doubt he’ll ever again answer his cell phone in the loo. And this, my friends, is why you should never talk on your phone in the bathroom.

    Jun 23, 2008 at 1:32 pm   rating: 83  small thumbs up

    • #21.1   Mishee bang

      I…. am… gonna…. die…. laughing….

      Holy shit… if this one don’t get me fired, I dont’ know what will!!!

      Jun 23, 2008 at 1:42 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.2   marcopuffin bang

      yes, this is the real poop scoop. Reading that was pretty harrowing though and my lamb chops have lost their appeal ;)

      Jun 23, 2008 at 2:01 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.3   CaseyInHumanResources bang

      There are a couple of technical errors:
      1. Im a woman
      2. I dont have a wife (unless you count mishee’s mom)
      3. Im a woman. We never poop.

      Jun 23, 2008 at 2:09 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.4   Cowgirlgraphics

      OH …that was *you* in the stall next to my husband … I just want you to know that the events of that day still live with him, even if he has to go real bad. He can never, ever go in public again … and although his new cell phone works fine, he can no longer use it.

      THX. SANDY Shitter

      Jun 23, 2008 at 2:11 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.5   Quite Contrary

      I think reading that post at work, covering my mouth to keep from laughing out loud, tears coming out of my eyes, and shoving laughing snorts back into my nose might have been as painful as your recent “production.”

      Bravo!!

      Jun 23, 2008 at 2:30 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.6   Phat girl

      I hear that’s how Graham lost that band gig.

      Jun 23, 2008 at 2:35 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.7   ErikaBlare

      *tears up* No…words….. should have sent a….. poet….

      Jun 23, 2008 at 3:13 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.8   octavius

      I think diahorraea etiquette requires regular flushing during the procedure not just at the end. The guy in the other stall should have recorded these sounds and then used them for his ring tone.

      Jun 23, 2008 at 3:59 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.9   sadi

      Bwahahahahha!! OMG! That was hysterical!

      Jun 23, 2008 at 4:45 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.10   macbeck

      oh my god, this is my first comment on this blog and i’ve been reading for weeks.

      i had my hand over my mouth until about halfway thru, and finally just bursted out laughing infront of all my co-workers. i don’t know if i should print this and put it in the bathroom stall. that would be GREAT

      Jun 23, 2008 at 4:47 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.11   Casey in Human Resources

      By the way, this is copy-pasta.

      Jun 23, 2008 at 5:06 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.12   djr

      Oh god… laughed until I cried. A+!

      Jun 23, 2008 at 5:56 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.13   Jahzzie

      Oh…. my…… god. Fucking brilliant!!!!!!

      Jun 23, 2008 at 6:22 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.14   Stitchin-Liz

      The next time I’m in a bathroom where someone is talking on their phone I’m going to suddenly remember this comment. And then I’m going to start laughing hysterically all over again – forcing out a loud fart in the process and quieting the ladies’ restroom. God, it’ll be worth it!

      Jun 23, 2008 at 6:24 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.15   LeahRocks!

      this is the funniest ‘shit’ ever. I loved it!! Laughed so loud my boss glared at me from his office!

      Jun 23, 2008 at 6:34 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.16   se

      I find that I have to repeat someone else..
      again according to Jahzzie
      Fucking brilliant!!!!!!

      Jun 23, 2008 at 6:59 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.17   amazon bang

      I haven’t laughed that hard in ages. There are tears streaming down my cheeks. Bravo!

      Jun 23, 2008 at 7:14 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.18   nikki

      one of my favorite craigslist rants and raves. I remember it well.

      Jun 23, 2008 at 7:37 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.19   The Other Leanne

      Wow, that was beautiful…it’s a good thing there’s nobody in my office to hear me laughing!

      Jun 23, 2008 at 8:01 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.20   Mishee bang

      P.S. SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT

      Jun 23, 2008 at 8:39 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.21   Brian

      Add me to the list … laughing so hard I’m crying.

      Ironically I spent the day at a conference stuck behind rude “I’m taking my cell calls right in the middle of this thing because I’m too damned lazy to walk my ass 10 steps out to the hallway, so just plan on hearing about my wife’s cervix (no lie) instead of whatever the speaker is talking about” guy. So thanks. I needed that.

      Jun 23, 2008 at 9:07 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.22   changeling

      WOW
      I laughed until I cried and then made my husband read it and he is still laughing

      Jun 23, 2008 at 9:19 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.23   secondsout bang

      Aww, damn, I thought that impostor Casey had actually written that himself for this PAN. As Nikki at 21.18 points out, impostor Casey did as he admitted, “copy-pasta” this from Craigslist.

      http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/333345372.html

      Still, a good find and it appears to have entertained everyone.

      Jun 23, 2008 at 9:27 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.24   Mishee bang

      oh, I knew it was copied, but it was still quite fitting and I still cracked the fuck up…

      also, I couldn’t remember where I had read it – so I couldn’t call bullshit… :D

      Jun 23, 2008 at 9:30 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.25   Casey in Human Resources

      Yeah, there was no intent to mislead on the origin of this… I just thought it apropos.

      Jun 24, 2008 at 9:03 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #22   Garcy

    George Bush’s private nickname for his buddy Karl Rove was “turd blossom.” But many folks don’t realize that the secret service has a nickname for George Bush and it’s “pooper yapper.”

    Or it should be, anyway.

    Jun 23, 2008 at 1:36 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #23   PANdemic bang

    Too funny for words…

    Jun 23, 2008 at 2:33 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #24   Xtroll

    I think everyone misunderstood what the guy was getting at. I’m thinking he’s wanting to use the rest room only to find someone sitting in the single seater talking on the phone. Mean while he’s waddling around with the turtle poking his head out trying to find an unoccupied toilet.

    Jun 23, 2008 at 3:34 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

    • #24.1   TheMaskedAvenger

      Ah yeah, that explanation probably makes more sense than the one I was thinking of. Cheers for that!

      Jun 23, 2008 at 5:15 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.2   Angela Christine

      I agree, especially with the emphasis on having your phone call (privately).

      The writer believes that people are going into the nice single seater for the purpose of having a private phone call, not for pooping and other approved bathroom activities. That is why he recommends going to the stairwell or outside as an alternative. Going to the stairwell to poop and talk would just lead to more notes.

      Jun 24, 2008 at 5:36 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #25   claw71 bang

    The expression “turtle head” is funny but not the least bit accurate. It’s really more like one of those grease pencils carpenters use to mark lumber for cuts.

    I’ve had turtles in my pants and they’ve never markked up my shorts.

    Jun 23, 2008 at 6:15 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #25.1   amazon bang

      I hope they weren’t snapping turtles… unless you’re into that sorta thing, in which case, good for you!

      Jun 23, 2008 at 7:16 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #26   aaa

    Who the hell do you would anyone be talking to while unloading a giant poo? Unless you can’t stop shitting and you’re calling 911 or something, there’s no excuse to be on your cell in the toilet.

    Jun 23, 2008 at 7:54 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #26.1   SavageCarmina bang

      About 3 years ago, I was in the public restroom at my job (Barnes & Noble). I was at the sink washing my hands, when a woman was grunting, gasping, and making terrifying sounds. A moment later, I hear silence. Then I hear her dial a phone… just 3 numbers. Now I’m interested, because I think she’s dialing 911. Turns out she was dialing 411, and I hear her say, “Hi, can I have the number for Barnes & Noble? In (city, state).” She then called B&N (while she was sitting in their bathroom), and asked to speak to a manager. Now, I can’t possibly leave – this is too good! I have to see what happens! So, she gets my manager on the phone, and says, “Hi, um, this may sound a little strange, but… um… I’m in your bathroom. *pause* Um, could you please call an ambulance? I’m bleeding from my anus right now.”

      I ran out of there so fast. I could NOT stop laughing.

      Jun 24, 2008 at 8:44 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #26.2   aaa

      Oh em gee! XD

      Jun 24, 2008 at 11:16 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #27   aaa

    I bet the author of the second note is the cellular shitter. Maybe they feel that their love of pooey phone sex is being persecuted and therefore must try to make the first note writer to be in the wrong. It seems to me that the people in the wrong are usually the ones who accuse others of being impolite and needing to learn manners.

    Jun 23, 2008 at 8:04 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #28   GVI bang

    I would leave them a sign saying “Can you please not make farthing noises while taking a dump, it is rude and embarrassing for me to explain those noises to the people on the other side of the phone.”

    Jun 23, 2008 at 10:46 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #29   Lurker

    ZOMG, I JUST got back from the ladies’ room, where there was a pooptalker in the next stall.

    I was prepared to give her the benefit of the doubt; after all, she could have just ducked into the stall for privacy or something. But then I heard a telltale plop.

    Jun 24, 2008 at 10:17 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #30   Xtroll

    Ahh but it is like a turtle head when you have to go but can’t for whatever reason like someone camped out in the toilet. Because he pokes his head out for a little bit and then slides back in. A little bit later he sticks it out again and then slides back in all the while singing (To the tune of Johnny Cash’s I Hear the Train a Coming)
    The shit is a coming,
    it’s coming down the track.
    You better hurry up son
    or you’ll have a messy crack.

    Jun 24, 2008 at 5:52 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     

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